Archive of Our Own

“I thought you had your first kiss to - what’s his name… Jamie - something? You remember?”

Jackie scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I don’t think a kiss with Jamie Matthews in the first grade counts! I doubt he’s even consciously aware it happened.”

“Still. You’ve technically already had your first.” A very coy smirk spread to Shauna’s lips. “I wonder how Jeff’ll take it - aren’t you supposed to be saving everything for him?”

Jackie raised an eyebrow, shaking her head softly. “Wowzer, Shipman - low blow, much? We’ve only been dating a couple of weeks, we’ve only just started to hold hands. I doubt he even knows I want him to be my first everything-“

“- Apart from kiss.” Shauna cut her off, to which she was quickly met with a smack to the head by one of Jackie’s pillows.

“Asshole. It was so long ago, it definitely doesn’t count. I barely even remember it, so it totally wasn’t even a good first kiss. I have to get a proper one to make it, y’know - special.” Jackie gave a hum, moving to lay back on her bed. “I just hope I’ll be good at it, I don’t wanna be one of those girls who has no idea how to kiss. What if it puts him off?”

As the sun begun to set, it beams gentle trickled into the room through the window, the rays perfectly reflecting off the golden brown of Jackie’s hair. It shined ever so slightly in the light, almost sparkling.

Shauna had always been envious of how beautiful her hair was, it was such a contrast to her own dark brown.

It never shined as bright as Jackie’s did.

“I doubt it will,” Shauna began, moving to lay next to the other, staring up at the cream ceiling above them. “You’re special, Jax. Even if you can’t kiss, he’ll still want to be with you.” It was easier to talk, like this, she figured. If she couldn’t see Jackie, her mind wouldn’t wander away from the topic. It seemed like the perfect plan. “Besides, it’s senior year - and we have regionals coming up - are you sure you need this distraction?”

Jackie said nothing, only humming in response before she turned to face Shauna.

“. . . Maybe I should practice.”

“… How will you do that without giving away your ‘first’?” Shauna asked, tilting her head slightly to look at Jackie. “You’re gonna, what - kiss your hand or something?”

“No, I was thinking more…” A soft exhale left Jackie’s lips. “Maybe I could practice on you?”

Now that, caught Shauna’s attention.

“I’m sorry?” She asked, almost sitting up, but stopping herself - only turning her head to look at Jackie properly for a moment. “Did I hear that right?”

“What? You scared, Shipman? C’mon, it’s only a kiss - besides, it totally doesn’t count if we’re both girls.” Jackie grinned, batting her eyelashes at Shauna - an expression the other girl knew all too well. This is exactly how Jackie always got what she wanted, those damn big hazel eyes staring right into the depths of Shauna’s sole.

“Whatever.” Shauna scoffed, shifting slightly on the bed to face Jackie more face on - a rookie mistake, on her part - it was now even harder to say no to her. “I’ve never kissed anyone either, so I doubt it’ll do you any use.”

“That’s perfect, actually.” Her grin only got bigger. “We can practice together, that way we’ll both totally be prepared.”

“Jackie I…” Shauna sighed, eyes rolling a bit. Ugh. She could feel herself blushing, she just hoped the other wouldn’t notice. “Are you sure about this?” Dark hues drifted away from Jackie’s eyes, back up to the ceiling as Shauna fiddled with her hands; twirling one of the rings around her finger.

“Absolutely. This may just be one of my best ideas yet.”

Shauna couldn’t say no. She wanted to, by gods she wanted to. But this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Jackie may never ask this again, and Shauna would never ask it of her.

With a deep sigh, mostly for show, Shauna nodded once. “Fine. We can… practice.” She tried to keep her tone as monotone as possible, trying to hide the giddiness in her voice - if it didn’t work, Jackie didn’t bring it up.

A large grin worked its way onto Jackie’s face, hands clasping together for a moment before she scooted closer to Shauna; faces so close that their breathes mingled together.

“Alright. I’ve seen this a thousand times in movies,” Jackie began, humming softly. “Just close your eyes and-“

Shauna barely even registered Jackie’s words - fuck, she was so close, and she smelled so good. All Shauna could hear was the sound of her own heartbeat loudly in her ears, every other sense completely drowned out by the intoxicating smell of Jackie. She smelled like lavender.

“Hey - Earth to Shauna?”

Shauna blinked, eyes focusing back on Jackie. “Sorry. I zoned out for a moment.” She admitted, cheeks dusting a light pink. “You were saying?”

Jackie rolled her eyes. “I don’t think kissing has this much talking. Just - here.”

A hand came up and covered across Shauna’s eyes, submerging her vision into dark - with the smallest of light creeping through the cracks of Jackie’s fingers.

Before she could question it, Jackie’s lips were on hers.

They were soft - so incredibly soft, like nothing Shauna had ever felt in her life - and warm, god. They were warm.

She tasted like raspberries.

It was in that moment that Shauna Shipman decided that raspberries were her favourite fruit.

Jackie pulled away after a moment - but Shauna found her hands coming up to cup onto Jackie’s cheeks, pulling her right back in for another kiss. This time, it was different - a mess of teeth clashing, legs tangling up together as both sides fought to get closer to the other.

If either didn’t want this, neither protested nor showed it in their actions.

In the surprise of the moment, Jackie’s hand had moved from Shauna’s eyes to the back of her head, fingers diving into strands of dark brown; holding her closer as the kiss deepened.

They broke their kiss, if too soon for both their likings, both panting for breath, eyes open as if staring deep into each other’s souls.

Neither said a word for a moment, forehead touching gently; both breathless.

“Are- Are you sure you haven’t done that before?” Jackie’s words came out breathy, cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink as she pushed a few strands of hair from her face.

Shauna opened her mouth to speak, but could only nod her head. Her brain felt like mush, clouded with thoughts of Jackie - how soft her lips were against Shauna’s own, how warm she felt against her palm as Shauna held her face, the soft of her hair lightly tickling the back of her hand-

“Shauna?”

Jackie’s unusually soft tone pulled Shauna from her thoughts, eyes focusing back on the girl in front of her. Jackie wasn’t looking at Shauna, though; her eyes off to the side, quickly shifting around the room as if looking for something - or someone.

“Yeah?” Her tone matched Jackie’s own; gentle, barely above a whisper, eyes never once leaving Jackie’s face.

There was a small pause of silence between them before Jackie spoke.

“… Kiss me again.”

“Huh?” Did she hear that right, or was she dreaming?

“Shauna.” It came across as a whine more than anything, almost begging - something Jackie rarely found herself doing. Eyes locked back with Shauna’s. “Don’t make me ask again. Please?” Jackie punctuated her sentence with a bat of her eyelashes, and it was all over for Shauna.

If anything felt right, it was this moment right now.

“Fuck it.” Shauna mumbled, before she tugged Jackie back in by the hem of her shirt - lips meeting once more, Shauna’s head immediately tilting to the side to pick up where they left off.

“Fuck- Shipman, you were- really- holding out on- on me.” Jackie mumbled between breaks, lips never leaving Shauna’s for more than a second to speak. It was addictive, kissing - or, rather, kissing Shauna .

“Shut up.” Came Shauna’s own mumbled reply, her tongue slipping its way into Jackie’s parted lips; pushing hers around with ease as she savoured every moment of tasting Jackie. She tasted just as good as she looked - like the remnants of candy the pair had been snacking on earlier that night.

If she could, Shauna would crawl right into her mouth and live inside of Jackie forever. Anything to never be apart from her.

Jackie would do the same, though she would never admit to that.

Falling for her best friend wasn’t the mistake, Jackie thought - it was pretending she hadn’t. All these years of pining for Shauna, though subconsciously, could have been spent doing this every single day.

Fuck, Jackie was kicking herself mentally for being such a coward. Fuck Jeff. This is what she needed - this is who she needed.

It had been Shauna all along.

Not some second rate jock who definitely peaked in high school - but Shauna. Kind, thoughtful, beautiful Shauna. Her best friend in the entire world - her soulmate, through anything.

They were always destined to this.

At some point, whilst Jackie was lost in her own thoughts and her other senses clouded by Shauna’s lips, she’d ended up underneath the other girl - with Shauna straddling her hips, chest pressed against Jackie’s, lips still on hers.

“Mm- Shauna- Wait-“ Jackie said between kisses, tilting her head to the side slightly to try and get a word in.

“What?” Shauna asked, sitting up a little; though keeping their faces close. “What’s wrong?”

“I just… I need to ask you something.”

Shauna tilted her head, brows furrowing softly as she awaited Jackie’s question.

“…” A soft sigh left the girls lips, her own gaze drifting from Shauna’s for a mere moments before snapping back. “Why didn’t you come for me?”

“… What?” Shauna’s head tilted the other way, voice laced with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“… You never came for me. After we argued. You didn’t come back for me. Why?”

“… Jackie what are you-“

“We argued. You let me leave. Why did you let me leave, Shauna? You love me, don’t you? I love you. But you still… You let me sleep outside. I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t have done that to you.”

Shauna felt her heart drop. No… this isn’t. This wasn’t - this wasn’t how it went.

Was this real? Was any of this real?

“I don’t understand-“ Shauna began, before cutting herself off, shaking her head rapidly, body already moving to climb off of Jackie. “This isn’t - I didn’t- What are you-?” Her words came out in a jumbled, mixed up mess of word vomit as her mind raced trying to make sense of this. Brown eyes darted around the room, every inch of it looking less and less realistic by the moment - colours melting into one another, items becoming blurry and flicking in and out of existence. Her eyes soon fell back on Jackie - the only seemingly real thing in the room, her head now tilted in an almost mocking way as her doe eyes stared up at Shauna, still laying down on her bed.

Fear pooled in the depths of Shauna’s stomach as it hit her all at once -

This wasn’t real.

Or, at least, this version of events wasn’t.

No. She remembered, now.

This was a memory - or a wish. Or a hope. A dream.

The reality was, in this memory, she’d given Jackie her advice - and they shared a single kiss, and that was all. Jackie moved on with her life, and Shauna was stuck reminiscing on the ‘what if’ of life.

“You never pay attention to me.” Jackie’s voice pulled Shauna from her thoughts, the other girl now having propped herself up by her elbow. “Not even now, when all you have is your memory. Did I really mean that little to you, Shauna? So little that you had to… what - fuck my boyfriend just because you couldn’t have me?” Jackie’s tone was mocking - that sweet, faux voice she always did when she was having fun at another’s expense.

Shauna was wordless - anything she had to say died in her throat. It felt tight - as if she were suffocating.

“Nothing to say? Not even a ‘sorry’?” Jackie sat up, now, a hand coming to touch Shauna’s cheek - her skin was ice cold, no longer harbouring the warmth Shauna had once felt from her. “Even now, you can’t say sorry. I died - because of you - and you can’t even grace me with an apology?”

“I-“ She felt sick, right to the pit of her stomach. Words still failed her, her mind feeling heavy and flooded with emotions and confusion. The world around her was spinning; everything seemingly out of focus but Jackie.

“Just…” A sigh left Jackie’s lips. “Just go, Shauna. If you won’t say it now, you never will. I don’t want to see you.” She punctuated her sentence with the click of her tongue. “You don’t belong here, anyway. Maybe in time you… you will. But not now. It’s too soon. But, hey-“ She gave Shauna a gentle pat on the back. “Maybe then you’ll be able to swallow your pride and say you’re sorry.”

Before she could speak, before a single syllable could leave her lips - before she could tell Jackie she was sorry, that she was so, so sorry - another voice rang into the room.

“Shauna?”

Who- who was that?

Shauna looked around. She couldn’t see anyone in the swirls of the room, but then the voice spoke again.

“Shauna!”

Was that-

Taissa?

Shauna’s head frantically moved around, trying to find the source of Tai’s voice - she wasn’t here, why would she be here?

Another click came from Jackie’s tongue.

“I’ll see you soon, Shipman.” She hummed, sitting back once more. “And you’ll be seeing me, too.”

Jackie blew her a kiss.

Shauna blinked -

And suddenly, she was back in the cabin.

The faces of her fellow Yellowjackets came into view. Her head felt heavy, her body hot with sweat and exhausted- everything ached, her stomach was in agony. Nothing felt real, was this real? She didn’t know.

Is this what dying felt like?

“Jackie..?” She weakly called out, scanning the crowd in hopes - in needs - of seeing her.

Yet she wasn’t there.

Because Jackie Taylor was long since dead.

“Hey, Shauna?” Tai, again - her voice clear this time. Shauna let her head drop to the side, eyes meeting Tai’s. “Fuck… I thought we’d lost you. You lost so much blood I-“ She shook her head. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“What’s… happening?” Shauna asked, mind still in a daze. “What are we-“ She cut herself off with a groan, hand going to grab her stomach. “The fuck-?!”

“Shauna, hey- Shauna?” Misty’s voice now rang in Shauna’s ear. “Push when I tell you, okay? We’re - I’m going to get you through this. Just push, okay? In three… two… one- Push!”

And so Shauna pushed, her conversation with Jackie slipping from her mind as pain overwhelmed her senses.