Chapter Text
“I didn’t know your parents were divorced” Jo had casually stated
“They’re not. Ruby wedding in June” I had replied.
The lie had come easily, just like most did now. I suppose I wasn’t entirely wrong. They nearly did divorce when I was 9. Saving their marriage felt heroic to me back then, I thought I had done something good. But instead of thanking me, they ended up completely falling for eachother again. It was like they were teenagers, absolutely crazy about each other.
Movie nights would consist of them curled up on their sofa, me with my knees up to my chest sat on the floor cause there was no room left. Dad would play with mums hair, and talk about all the plans he had for the next few weeks; all the dates they were going to go on, romantic meals, beach trips.
Telling Noah I would wait for mum to come home wasn’t entirely a lie, except that I’d be waiting for dad too. On the windowsill, I would sit and wait for their car. Eventually I stopped. Realising my parents cared a hell of a lot more about each other than they did about me definitely hurt. What more could I do, though? Priorities had been made clear every time they brushed off an award from school or a prize for scoring so many goals in football. They wouldn’t even look at it.
By 13, I kept to myself. Woke up, got ready, eat breakfast at school, come home and go straight to do homework. Dinner time was the only time I really saw them, and they still didn’t really talk to me.
By 14, they were so focused on each other the chores were neglected. I’d do my own laundry, make my own food, clean more rooms than just my own. They completely shut me out around that time, not even small talk. It became like I didn’t even exist, like I was a shadow or a ghost.
I can’t remember when I stopped caring about that. Surface level, it was probably a couple of years later. Deep down, I probably never got over that. I never got over my own parents being unable to care about me. Emotional and parental neglect is difficult, honestly I would argue it’s why I’ve never let anyone in. Letting someone get close poses the risk of them leaving too, forgetting to care about me and my needs because they’re so centred around themselves.
Father Pavel was disappointed when I last saw him, it was clear when he told Terry he hoped he called him mum more than I do. Whether he would understand, I don’t know. Maybe he would seem I’m prioritising my own mental wellbeing.
I know mum understands, it’s why she still calls and messages. But it came too late. I was already 23. It was after Jankowski, she found me drowning my sorrows and regrets in a pub. Things were alright at first, she left me alone. But 4 drinks in, she was crying and begging me to stop ignoring her. Telling her straight scared me but I was 6 drinks in and feared nothing. She cried more as it sunk in she had neglected me. She chose to prioritise her own relationship over her son.
Jo wouldn’t understand, I doubt it. How do you even tell someone you saved your parents marriage and they ignore you as thanks.
I wish they had divorced. I wish I hadn’t have helped.
Maybe then I would have had a good childhood.
Maybe I wouldn’t have pushed away all my emotions, and have essentially become a robot.