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It has been two weeks since Mei confessed her love for Hana to Hanae and asked him to help her see Hana. And that confession had been playing on repeat in Hanae's mind since. He couldn't get it out of his head, even as he tried to focus on his hobbies instead. Of course, so far, he hadn't helped facilitate Mei's request to see Hana. There was no way he could see Mei as Hana right now. He felt bad, but it just wasn't possible.
It was midday, and Hanae absentmindedly walked through the town. He had no real destination. He simply wanted to clear his head, to stop thinking of Mei's confession. It wasn't really working, and maybe that's why he found himself back at the embankment where she confessed.
Hanae didn't know how long he had been standing there when he heard a quiet sniffle not too far away that suddenly jolted him to attention. His eyes darted all around, trying to find the source, but the embankment seemed empty except for him. Just as soon as he thought that he might have just imagined it, he heard another. It came from the direction of the pillars that supported the bridge. From his angle, he couldn't see the other side of the pillar. He found himself carefully and quietly approaching the pillar to check it out. He wasn't prepared for who he spotted on the other side. Sitting there, hugging her legs to her chest and crying, hidden behind the pillar, was Mei. Hanae felt like someone had just given his heart a squeeze. She hadn't noticed him yet. He could leave and no one would be the wiser. But he couldn't do that.
Hanae found himself approaching before his brain even realized what was going on. "Mei-san... are you okay?"
The girl in question jolted as if she'd been shocked, then she turned to him and froze. It was just for a moment, but it was like time stood still for Hanae. He saw the most miserable look on Mei's face that he'd ever seen. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks were streaked with dried tears. Hanae felt a pang of guilt stab through his heart like a dagger. And then just like that, in an instant, Mei furiously wiped at her eyes, slapped her cheeks, and put on a small smile.
"Hanae? What're you doing here?"
"I... was just... out for a walk," Hanae said. He knew he was staring at her, but he couldn't help himself. "Are you okay? I saw you crying..."
Mei blanched for a second, and she looked away. "Crying? Me? No way, man. You must've imagined it."
Hanae's eyes widened slightly as he realized what she was doing. She's pretending that she wasn't crying, that she's okay, he thought. But he knew better than that. He'd heard her - heck, he'd seen her crying! And he wanted to know why. He felt his heart clench. He wasn't Hana right now, couldn't be Hana right now, but he loved Mei, and if she was upset enough to be crying, something must be seriously wrong. He didn't think he'd seen her cry in all the time he'd known her, as Hanae or as Hana.
"Not buying it, huh?" Mei said, offering a sad smile, more tears welling up in her eyes, turning to look back at the water, leaning her weight against the pillar. Hanae realized he'd just been standing there, staring at her without saying anything. "It's nothing you need to worry about. It's silly. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine," Hanae finally found himself able to say. He found himself taking a seat beside Mei.
Mei sighed, and a fresh set of tears trailed down her face. "I know, that's why I was behind the pillar. Didn't want anyone to see me like this. It's pathetic."
"I don't think it is," Hanae said. "If something's wrong or you're upset, I don't think it's pathetic to cry at all." Mei didn't say anything, but Hanae could tell she didn't agree. So he decided to try a different approach. "If you saw Hana crying over something, you wouldn't think she was pathetic, would you?" Hanae knew the answer. Mei had seen him cry as Hana at least dozens of times now and not once had she done anything other than try to console her or help her out.
Mentioning Hana seemed to be the right move to get her full attention, as Mei's head snapped from the water back to his face. He felt another pang in his heart, seeing her look so distraught. "No, I'd never think Hana's pathetic for crying! But... this is different..."
"How is this any different?"
There was a pregnant pause, then Mei responded in a whisper so quiet that Hanae almost didn't hear it, despite being right next to her. "Because... it's me... I'm not supposed to be so emotional."
Hanae found himself at a loss for words. He didn't know how to respond to that. Instead, a tense silence settled between them, and Mei's gaze shifted back to the water. The silence lingered for a bit, before Hanae finally broke it. "It's okay to be emotional sometimes, you know? There's nothing wrong with that."
Mei didn't say anything, and another silence settled in. Hanae decided to keep trying. He hated seeing the girl he loved like this. "So... um, not to pry... but did something happen?" Hanae asked.
Mei just shook her head. "No, nothing happened... like I said, it's silly."
Hanae didn't believe her for a moment. "I might be out of line saying this... but you've never seemed like the type of girl that would cry over 'nothing.'" Hanae said. "You can tell me what's wrong. I promise not to judge."
Mei cast him a side glance, then turned her gaze back to the water for a moment before closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, and letting out a sigh. She hugged her legs to herself tighter. "It's nothing really," she said softly. "It's just... I realized that the last time I saw Hana... is probably the last time I'll ever see Hana... See, like I said, silly right?" She looked at him with a sad smile.
Hanae felt a new pang of guilt stab through him, sharper than any of the times before. This was his fault. She was hurting because of him. Because he kept avoiding her as Hana. "I don't think that's silly at all," Hanae said. "You said you loved her last time I saw you, right?"
Mei nodded. "She means more to me than anyone else in the world."
Hanae felt his breath catch in his throat. Another silence settled in. "Why do you think that you'll never see Hana again?" He didn't know why he asked it. Honestly, Mei was right. He'd been planning on never seeing Mei again as Hana. There was no future for them, and he had wanted to be with Mei as Hanae not as Hana.
"Because she hate me," Mei said, and Hanae felt like the air was knocked from his lungs. "I did something wrong. I messed something up. She told me I didn't, but if I didn't, then there'd be no reason for her to avoid me like this. For her to ignore all my messages." You didn't do anything wrong, Hanae thought. He wanted to say it, to reassure her, but he couldn't get seem to get air in his lungs or make his mouth move. "This is all my fault. I just wish she'd tell me what I did, so I could try to fix it."
"I... don't think she hates you," Hanae finally managed to squeak out.
Mei offered him a soft, sad smile. "You don't have to try to spare my feelings."
"I'm not!" Hanae insisted. "There's no way Hana would ever hate you."
"Then why haven't I seen her?" Mei said. "It's been so long since I've seen her. And it's been two weeks since..."
"Huh?" Hanae was confused for a second before he realized what Mei was referring to.
"It's been two weeks since I asked for you to help me see your sister," Mei said. "And you're a good guy. I know you wouldn't agree to try and then not let Hana know I wanted to see her. So, the only explanation is that she doesn't want to see me."
Hanae was at a loss for words. She wasn't exactly wrong but not exactly right. Hanae was avoiding Mei as Hana, but it wasn't because she hated her. Hanae loved her. Seeing Mei like this, especially knowing he was the cause, hurt Hanae deeply. And he didn't know what to do to help her feel better.
"You know... not too long ago, I hadn't come around for a while," Mei said suddenly. "I was still answering her messages and stuff, though. I was just... busy. But I heard from some people that we both knew that she was searching for me frantically, showing my picture to people and practically begging them to tell her if they'd seen me recently."
Hanae remembered that. He'd been so worried about Mei, it had been so long since he'd seen her, that he needed to see her, needed to know she was okay, that they were okay. So he'd started asking anyone he could think of if they'd seen her.
"That meant a lot to me, honestly," Mei let out a sad laugh. "Knowing that she cared so much about me." Her hands squeezed her legs tight. "I just wish I knew what I did to make her go from loving me to hating me so quickly."
Hanae was thankful he was sitting, because his legs probably would've given out by now if he'd been standing. He was fighting back tears himself. He couldn't breathe.
When Mei next looked at Hanae, he saw the desperation in her eyes. But before he could even begin to process that, Hanae saw Mei shift, and Hanae was once again stunned. Mei had shifted from sitting up against the pillar to prostrating herself on the ground, her head firmly pressed into the earth. Her whole body shook, but her voice rang out clear. "Please, Hanae. Help me see Hana. I need to see her! If she won't come on her own, then beg her for me, please, or trick her, or do whatever it takes to get her to come to me here. I'll wait right here for her as long as it takes. Tell her, please."
Hanae felt like his heart was going to implode. Every fiber of him screamed at himself to pull her up, to tell her the truth, to stop hurting the girl he loved so deeply, but he couldn't move, he couldn't offer her any reassurances or anything. All he could do was bite his lip hard and choke out an, "I'll... I'll try."
Mei lifted her head, eyes shimmering. She gave him a shaky smile, and it nearly undid him completely.
*
Hanae left Mei there soon after telling her he'd try. He shakily made his way home, trying to put how badly he hurt Mei out of his mind. When he got there, he thought about dressing up as Hana right away and rushing down to Mei. But he didn't. He didn't think he'd be able to face Mei as Hana like this. Instead, he waited. And waited. And waited. He let hours pass on by, occupying himself with other things. But he wasn't completely able to get her out of his head.
Hours after the sun set, Hanae's mind replayed Mei's words again, "I'll wait right here for her as long as it takes," Mei had said. He told himself she couldn't still be there, there was no way. She couldn't be. She probably went home a little while after he left, once she calmed down some. And yet, guilt and uncertainty gnawed at him until he eventually broke. He dressed up as Hana and went back.
Now, it was dark out, and Hana struggled to see. From what she could tell from the road, she didn't see anyone out there. She let out a sigh of relief. Maybe she had been right, and Mei had gone home. Still, there was an inkling of doubt gnawing at her. From her vantage point, she couldn't see where Mei had been sitting behind the pillar earlier. She couldn't be certain Mei wasn't there unless she got closer and investigated.
As Hana approached the pillar, she could just barely see a figure proped up next to it, slumped against the concrete, arms wrapped tight around her legs, head resting against her knees, and Hana's heart seized. She hadn't left after all these hours. Hana rushed to her side. "Mei!"
Mei seemed to stir, noticing the approaching figure. She looked stunned to see Hana, but then relief flooded her face before it twisted to something more fragile. She rose from the ground to meet Hana part way. "Hana?"
"You really stayed out here all day waiting for me..." Hana said, voice starting to shake, worry clear in her tone.
Mei offered her a weak smile. "I said I would. As long as it took."
The moment seemed to suffocate Hana. The weight of her guilt, of her impossible feelings, bore down on her. And then, she remembered what Mei had told her as Hanae weeks ago: "If Hana said she hated me now, I'd have to accept it."
Hana's throat tightened, and her chest constricted. She wanted to hold Mei, tell her she loved her, but she knew she couldn't do that. She knew what she had to do. "Well, I'm here," Hana began, her voice beginning to tremble. "I'm here to tell you... to tell you that I hate you... I don't want to be friends with you anymore. There's no future for us." The lies left her lips painfully, as if they were cutting apart her throat on the way out. She'd started shaking the moment she uttered them. She couldn't hold herself together. Tears streamed down her face, sobs breaking her voice as she tried to force the words out. "So stop looking for me and stop messaging me... Just forget about me."
Mei stood there frozen, eyes like she had been slapped. For a long moment, she said nothing, only watching Hana's face as she wept. Then Mei's expression softened.
"Alright," Mei said quietly. "If that's really how you feel, I'll stop. I'll leave you alone and never bother you again. You'll never have to worry about seeing me around anymore." Hana felt like her whole world was shattering. "But I don't believe you. I don't believe that's how you really feel."
Hana's head snapped up, stunned, and looked at Mei through her tear-filled eyes.
"Because if you hated me..." Mei reached out, gently brushing away some of Hana's tears with her thumb. "If you really hated me... Then why are you crying like this? Why does it look like it hurts you to say you hate me?"
Hana's breath caught. She tried to speak, but no words came out, only sobs that tore from her chest. Mei pulled Hana into a tight embrace as the other girl openly sobbed. "I'm not sure if your brother told you, but I'm in love with you, Hana. I'm so sorry it took me so long to build the courage to tell you after you confessed to me."