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Romantic relationships were not something Childe had ever considered for himself. In fact, even friendships were something he believed to be mostly out of reach for him. At least, since the Abyss. He struggled to wrap his head around the mere concept and he was well-aware that he didn't connect with others like he should if he was a normal person; both emotionally and physically. The physical aspect in particular was something that made the idea of sexual or romantic relationships even more laughable. He did not understand how people could stand the closeness. Even with his immediate family, there was a feeling of unease that made him want to extricate himself as soon as possible. Although Childe knew that once upon a time he quite liked hugs from his family. But looking back, it seemed like a different life; the connection to those times was lost. Nowadays, he preferred a polite distance or, even better, a straightforward fight. Unfortunately for Childe, most people did not share his enthusiasm of bonding through fighting - why they didn't was a mystery to him. Fighting was great! It was straightforward and honest and it was so much easier to understand each other through the song of the blade rather than exchanging platitudes and trying to read a personality through a handshake (or whatever Pantalone kept droning on about).
But things changed with Zhongli. Of course, Childe still wanted to fight him! The man was fascinating and strong, with or without gnosis, so what better way to gain some mutual understanding than friendly spars?! However with Zhongli, it was much more than that. For the first time in a long while, Childe noticed himself slowing down and enjoying it! With Zhongli, he could sit for hours and listen to the man talk, sometimes chiming in but mostly listen. And he would find himself talking for hours on other occasions! It was a refreshing feeling to see someone so openly interested in whatever he had to say.
It was easy to be with Zhongli. And it was easy to realize that his feelings for Zhongli quickly developed into something he wasn't quite used to. But for a while, Childe didn't pay it much mind. He didn't think it mattered much. Him and Zhongli got along well and that was the most important thing, after all. It wasn't until Zhongli confessed that Childe realized that he did have to think more about their relationship and his own feelings. And it was easy. Surprisingly so. Zhongli made it very easy to love.
But that was also the problem for Childe. Whatever it was that he felt for Zhongli was so easy, so natural and it was some kind of love, he was sure of that. But was it the kind of love that Zhongli wanted and deserved? He had never been "in love". But he expected it to be something fundamentally different from any kind of affection he had felt before. And sure, his feelings for Zhongli were definitely something he never felt before for anyone - not his family, not Skirk, not the Traveler or the Tsaritsa (most certainly none of the other Harbingers). What he felt for Zhongli was warm and comfortable but also nerve-wracking and quite a few times a little overwhelming. Zhongli could make him flustered and make his heart flutter in a way that could maybe be a romantic feeling. But then again, Childe realized that he was very content with their current relationship. He didn't mind Zhongli's occasional touches but he didn't really want anything... "more". It was only recently, after some time of them officially being together, that he realized that their relationship was not all that different than before. A few more fleeting touches and more regular evening visits at each other's homes in Liyue but he never felt the need to - or even thought about - initiating anything beyond that. Sure, Childe felt emotionally closer to Zhongli than he'd felt for anyone in a long, long time. It was strange and often still somewhat distressing to notice how he could let himself be vulnerable around Zhongli and how Zhongli would show his own vulnerability in return and *trust* Childe with it. But that couldn't be enough, could it? Childe wasn't an expert, of course, but he was pretty sure that a serious relationship required more... physical aspects. And he still wasn't sure if he'd ever feel comfortable with the idea of sex, even with Zhongli, or even kissing. But shouldn't he want that, if he was in love? And more importantly, wouldn't Zhongli want that out of their relationship? Why even be with Childe if they still acted like little more than friends?
The longer their relationship went on like this, the more these doubts took hold in Childe's mind. It wasn't like Zhongli ever showed any discontent about the situation. But still, Childe couldn't help but wonder if this was still okay.
He knew that he should talk about it. And better sooner than later. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything about it. The reason was as obvious to him as it was embarrassing.
Childe was afraid.
He was afraid of losing Zhongli, of losing what they had.
If Childe confronted Zhongli with his own inadequacy, could they still continue like they did? Or wouldn't Zhongli realize that Childe could never reciprocate his feelings in a normal way, never give him the sort of relationship he deserved - and move on?
Maybe, Childe sometimes desperately thought, maybe they could be alright if he could just pretend to be normal. The affection he felt for Zhongli was real, after all! Would it really be so bad, if he played it up a little, added thoughts and feelings that ought to be there if only he was normal.
It all came to a head before Childe could make up his mind about the matter though. And it was because of Zhongli. Of course it was. The man had learnt to read Childe like an open book.
That evening, Zhongli invited Childe over to his place. It was not an uncommon occurrence at this point but Childe could tell that something was different this time. Even though he couldn't put his finger on it, there was something heavy between them and Childe could just tell that a serious talk was looming above them. It did not help with his nerves.
This was most definitely a part of their new relationship that Childe couldn't say he particularly liked. He often felt so nervous and unsure of what to say or how to act. Doubts creeping up all the time.
And this time too.
If Zhongli wanted to have a serious talk, what could it possibly be about? Had he noticed Childe's inadequacy? Was he finally tired of him? He felt a knot forming in his throat at the thought.
Sitting in Zhongli's home, surrounded by various parafilia, a quiet peace and the smell of tea and everything so Zhongli - Childe realized more than ever that he didn't want to lose this relationship.
But he also didn't want to be unfair to Zhongli. They needed to talk.
So, when Zhongli served them both some tea and looked at Childe with his earnest, beautiful eyes, it didn't take much prompting for the words to stumble out of Childe. They were stilted, far more hesitant than he'd like them to be, considering the urgency he felt. But it was one of those times where his silver tongue left him and no quick quips came to mind to lighten the mood. He cursed himself for being so unable to put his thoughts into words and he cursed himself even more when he looked at Zhongli and saw surprise in his face. Evidently, this was not the direction Zhongli had expected their talk to take. What if he had ruined everything now? In his desperate attempt to cling to Zhongli, had Childe just made the man realize how much better it would be to end things now?
With his heart in his throat, unable to talk through it anymore, he watched Zhongli's expression change. The surprise made place for something incredibly soft and caring. And Childe felt completely undeserving of it.
"I see," said Zhongli. "Thank you for telling me this. I believe I understand what worried you so much recently. And," he continued looking a little sheepish, "I think, I might owe you an apology."
Childe felt his heart drop.
This was it.
This was the moment where Zhongli would tell him that they should break up.
“You see,” Zhongli said, still with a gentle voice that made Childe ache with a longing that he didn’t want to unpack right now, especially not with his emotions already running wild, “I believe that, while not the same, we share similar worries.”
Childe’s look of pure confusion elicited a chuckle from Zhongli.
“Please, allow me to talk a bit about my own woes. It may help both of us,” Zhongli said with pleading in his voice and who was Childe to deny him. He wasn’t sure if he could even find his voice right now. It seemed as if a lump had formed in his throat ever since he finished his own clumsy talk and it just wouldn’t go away. This was what trying to talk about his feelings had gotten him; nothing but embarrassment and a potential breakup on the horizon. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut, after all.
Childe took a deep breath, trying to break away from his escalating thoughts and focusing on Zhongli again.
Yes, he shouldn’t assume. He wanted this relationship to work in whatever way possible and he needed to listen to Zhongli for that.
“As you know,” Zhongli said, “despite my living amongst mortals as one of them, I am not human myself. And it is due to this non-human nature of mine that there will always be some differences between me and the humans living in Teyvat.”
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Childe nearly snorted. As if this was something he needed reminding of. He kept begging Zhongli to let him fight against him in his impressive Exuvia form again. But right now he kept quiet and listened to Zhongli continuing.
“One of these differences concerns my emotions. Or maybe it’d be more apt to say that relationships are somewhat different for me. I have watched over humanity for thousands of years and I’m afraid that I can say fairly confidently that I’ll never be able to fully relate to what humans experience in terms of romantic relationships. That is not to say,” Zhongli continued before Childe could sink into the despair of heartbreak, “that I don’t love you.”
Zhongli looked into Childe’s eyes again with a fervent, heated gaze. Childe was unable to look away from him.
“I do. I love you more than I can put into words. I love you in a way I’ve never loved anyone before. But these feelings - they are not like human love. You could say that my attachment to you is more… definitive than that of a normal human relationship. That is to say, I know that there never was and never will be another one who could be my beloved. It is a certainty that is deeply rooted in myself and leaves no doubt about my feelings for you. And thus, my desires for our relationship can differ from the desires humans would usually have, I suppose.”
“What-” Childe was struggling to find his voice again, trying to make sense of what Zhongli was telling him. It wavered in a way that sounded foreign to his ears. “What does this mean? What do you desire from this?”
Again, Zhongli smiled softly at him and Childe felt his heart melt. Oh, how a single look like this could lessen the constant feeling of restlessness inside him.
When Zhongli reached out towards Childe’s hand, stopping just before touching him, the silent question was clear in his eyes. And Childe was thankful for the way they learned to read each other wordlessly like this because Zhongli obviously found the answer he was seeking in Childe’s face. He gently intertwined their fingers.
Oh, how a simple touch like this could spread warmth through Childe’s entire being and ground him, make him feel more secure.
It also seemed to do something for Zhongli - his smile becoming noticeably brighter. “What I want from this,” Zhongli continued while his thumb stroked soothing circles on the back of Childe’s hand, “is a lot. It’s the connection to you. I want to be the one you love, the one loving you, the one bringing you comfort, the one who can be comforted by you. I want you to be the one closest to you, who knows your moments of glory, your brightness, your struggles, your vulnerabilities - and share the same with you. But what I want most of all is for you to be happy. It is not easy to explain in the framework of mortal relationships…” Zhongli hesitated for a moment. “But it basically comes down to this: I want a connection of shared trust and affection in any way you feel comfortable with it.”
Childe frowned. “But that seems unfair. What about your comfort, Zhongli? Don’t you want - I don’t know - something more ?”
Zhongli hummed quietly. “And this, I believe, is where the, ah, 'cultural' differences come in. There is nothing ‘more’ for me to want in a relationship than knowing that I am the one you let in your heart and who is allowed to treasure you in return. While I am certainly not averse to more physical relationships and would happily engage in one should you desire so, the key point will always be your desires. I can find pleasure in these activities but I don’t need them in the same way, they seem to be needed in most mortal relationships. What makes me feel fulfilled in our relationship is knowing that you trust me with your comfort. Even this,” he gave Childe’s hand a gentle squeeze, “is enough to make me feel content.”
“That-,” once again Childe struggled for words. “You say that but- but that just sounds like I’m only taking from you without ever giving much to the relationship. I want to be the only one prioritized here, that’s just not fair.”
“Oh Childe,” Zhongli smiled, “but that is the point. You’ve given me so much already just by allowing me to have this with you. This wonderful, beautiful connection with your genuine self. Your likes and dislikes, the boundaries that you do and don’t set - all of this is part of what I desire from you.”
He raised their intertwined hands to his lips and placed a soft kiss on Childe’s knuckles. Something fluttered in Childe’s stomach and once again, he felt warmth spread through him. Surely, his face must have turned bright red by now. And by the looks of it, Zhongli was very happy with the effect he had on him. It seemed so simple but-
“Still, I don’t even know where my boundaries are with you,” he muttered. It was true. Zhongli was a new experience for Childe in many ways and unlike Zhongli, with his own sense of security about his feelings, how could Childe know what he did or didn’t want?
“And that’s alright, my dear,” said Zhongli. “We can find out together.” He hesitated again, then continued: “You may recall that I mentioned my own worries earlier. I think we're essentially worrying about the same thing. What we want out of this relationship, how we feel about each other - this might differ from the norm and thus, we are unsure how to navigate it. I wanted to adapt to your pace and go as fast or slow as you wanted. But I kept worrying if I read you wrong. What if I crossed boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed? What if you waited for me to change the pace because you weren’t satisfied with it, after all? Could someone like me really provide you with everything you’d want from your partner? After all, you are so very, wonderfully human while I am - just me.” The admission took Childe by surprise. He’d never expected Zhongli to think that he could not be good enough. For someone like Childe, too! His heart clenched and now it was his turn to gently squeeze Zhongli’s hand, trying to return the comfort he received before.
This time, when Zhongli smiled at him, Childe felt himself return the smile with confidence.
“Seems like talking does help sometimes, after all,” he chuckled. “Mother will be happy to hear that it finally worked out for me. I can already hear her ‘I told you so’.”
Zhongli’s smile brightened even more.
“We may both be a little too used to shouldering our problems without confiding in others. I am eternally grateful to have found you, someone who allows me to be true to myself. Even if that includes some unconventional conditions.”
“Perfect! Who better to be unconventional with than me?” Childe grinned. He took a deep breath. “Well, looks like we fit each other quite well, with our weirdness. Thanks for putting up with me.” He added in a softer voice.
“I could say the same to you,” Zhongli said, equally soft. “It’s alright, Childe. We’ll be alright.”
They looked at each other, hands still linked together, and in this moment, Childe also knew for certain:
Yes, they would be alright.