Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shin lay awake in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was almost funny how many times he found himself in this exact position, unable to sleep because he was all twisted up inside over the same thing. Well, the same person really. Everything in his life went back to him, one way or another. 

This time, he couldn’t sleep because of how many emotions were running through him. His heart was racing as if he’d just ran a marathon, each emotion rising and falling and clashing as they coursed through him. Actually, now that he thought about it, he practically did run a marathon. Amazingly, the escape from Jeng’s den was now the least craziest thing about his night, not even worth remembering. 

Shin blamed the adrenaline. As soon as he got the phone call from Nate, his mind cleared out everything except for a constant stream of SaintSaintSaint. And once he found him, everything snapped into place. It was so easy to be with Saint, especially when they were getting up to trouble. They moved as if they were in one body, their thoughts in sync, complete trust in the fact that if they were going down, they’d go together. But they made it out alive. And despite the odds, they were still together. 

Shin got swept up in the rush of that. He forgot himself and the lines he had so carefully put down between them. 

Without even thinking about it, his arm was draping over Saint’s shoulders as their getaway bus pulled away. “I thought we were gonna die.”

Saint sank into his seat, still catching his breath. “I know, me too.”

“What would you have done if I hadn’t come?” 

“I don’t know.” Saint shrugged. “I guess I would’ve fought with everything I have.” 

“Are you crazy?” Shin smacked the back of his head lightly. “You can’t outpunch a bullet. Don’t ever do something like this again, I’m serious.”

Shin’s touch turned gentle, brushing his hand over the back of Saint’s head to check for bumps. “Are you hurt anywhere?” 

Saint stared at him for a second, then shook his head. “No, I’m okay.” 

Then Saint put a hand on Shin’s leg, casually rubbing his thigh with his thumb. “What about you? Is your leg okay?” 

It took everything in Shin not to flinch. He stared at Saint’s hand like it was a foreign object, but he didn’t push it away. Instead, he leaned into it. “I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” 

He tried to put as much meaning behind those words as possible. You don’t need to worry about me. He was tired of seeing the guilt behind Saint’s eyes every time they got close. It made him feel like he was still that broken thing screaming in the rain when he wasn’t. He’d gotten back up, and he was fine now. The sooner Saint understood that, the sooner they could move on. 

Saint nodded and leaned back against the seat again. He didn’t remove his hand. “Okay.” 

It was quiet for a moment, until a sly grin made its way across Saint’s face. “Man, I’m really indestructible, huh? Even the mafia can’t take me down.”

“Don’t get cocky, mate.” Shin scoffed, then shoved the back of his head down. “You’re a loser. You’re just lucky you had me with you.” 

Shin wouldn’t have realized what he said if Saint hadn’t turned to look at him sharply, eyes wide. “Shin…did you just call me mate?” 

Only then did he replay his last words, and his blood went cold. Mate. It was another pet name they had for each other, back when they were them. Just as Saint would call him bestie, Shin would call him mate, only when Saint was being particularly cheeky. Usually, it would be followed by Saint chasing him or Shin climbing on his back, the two of them laughing either way. It was a word he hadn’t said in a long time. 

“Classmate!” He hated how uneven his voice sounded, completely unconvincing. “You didn’t let me finish.”

It was too late, the smug expression was back on Saint’s face. “Right. I’m just a classmate.” 

Shin didn’t bother to dignify that with a response. He ripped his arm from around Saint’s shoulders and turned to the window. He tried to sneak a peek at Saint out of the corner of his eye, only to see that Saint was openly staring at him. Immediately, his eyes went back out the window, ignoring how hot his ears felt at that moment. 

“Hey, move over.” Now he was hyperaware of everything. He jabbed Saint with his elbow. “You’re in my space.” 

Saint gave him a long look, then nodded. “Sure. Got it, classmate.”

Instead of moving away, Saint leaned down to rest his head on Shin’s shoulder, his forehead pressing right against the crook of his neck. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Shin said, near shouted. The dirty looks from the other passengers made him reign himself in. “Get off of me!” 

“My head hurts all of a sudden,” Saint lied. “Aren’t classmates supposed to help each other out?” 

“Ai Saint,” Shin said, a warning. 

“I’m in pain, classmate.” he whined, gazing up at him. “Can’t you help me out?”

Shin was no match for Saint’s shamelessness. He slumped back against his seat and refused to look at him. He tried. But he felt Saint’s puffs of breath on his skin, and Saint’s hand had moved to trace circles on the inside of his thigh. And he couldn’t help putting arm around Saint once more, playing with the ends of his hair. He felt Saint’s smile pressed against the side of his neck, and faced the window completely to hide his own. 

Saint walked him all the way to his house, despite his protests. He wouldn’t stop talking, and every word out of his mouth was tearing away the little bit of resistance Shin had left. 

“Thank you for remembering our promise,” No one had ever looked at Shin like Saint did, as if the answers to the universe were in his eyes. “I haven’t forgotten it either.” 

Of course Shin remembered. He remembered everything about Saint. They’d known each other practically their whole lives, his earliest memories were with him. Since the moment they met, he’d been the center of Shin’s universe. So of course he remembered swearing to protect Saint till the day he died. It was a truth that already inhabited him for a long time, he just decided to say it out loud that day. And how could he forget the way Saint looked at him when he said that they would be friends for life, that they must? He wasn’t like Saint, this wasn’t something he could just throw away like trash. He lived with Saint inside him, like a second skin. There was no way of getting him out. 

“For me…” He watched Saint take a deep breath, collect himself. “You’ll always be someone special to me. My best friend. My Shin.” 

His walls were crumbling, slipping through his fingers like sand. Shin wished he had the courage to throw his hands over his ears and stop himself from listening. But he couldn’t move. He stood there silently, frozen, letting Saint continue to break him apart. 

“You don’t need to say anything,” Saint reassured him. “I just want you to know that I’m so fucking happy that we started talking again. I’m happy that you thought of me and you came to rescue me. I…I missed you, Shin. Just being with you is—”

Finally, he had enough. He walked up and put a hand on Saint’s mouth. “You’re talking too much. Just stop.” 

Their eyes met. There was something heady about Saint’s gaze, alight with desire. He grabbed Shin’s hand and pushed it down. “Make me.”

Those two words were all it took to shift everything. 

Shin was going to kiss him. It was a distant thought, like thinking that water is wet or the sky is blue. Something that was inevitable. Saint’s hand was still wrapped around his, his fingers pressed against Shin’s pulse, so there was no way to hide how being this close to Saint made him feel. Saint was staring at him, daring him to do something. And Shin was going to kiss him. He couldn’t hold back anymore, go on pretending that it wasn’t all he thought about. He was going to kiss Saint, never stop kissing him, and deal with the consequences later. Nothing was going to keep him and Saint from each other. 

He was wrong about that, of course. His mother’s voice came through loud and clear, calling his name, and everything fell apart. 

Of all the emotions tearing him up inside—the anger and sorrow and betrayal —it was the embarrassment that clawed at him the worst. Because his mom wasn’t wrong. Saint had hurt him worse than he’d ever been hurt before, much deeper than breaking his leg. She had been the one to hold him on those miserable nights when he was inconsolable, either from nightmares of that day or the despair he felt waking up and feeling the left side of the bed, only to find it empty. She watched him lose interest in everything, throw himself into bad situations just to feel something other than numb. Saint made her watch her son lose himself. So he couldn’t blame her for wanting to keep him away from Shin.

He understood all of that. And yet, when she hit Saint, he felt a rush of anger that almost took his breath away. His own cheek burned, as if he was the one who got slapped. And then he heard himself defending Saint. Until that moment, he didn’t know that he’d forgiven him. But there Shin was, trying to get his mom to understand that Saint didn’t mean to be like this. He just cared too much and felt too deeply, and sometimes he lost control. But that was back then! Saint was different now, they both were! Shin didn’t want to stay stuck in the past any longer, he wanted to move forward. With Saint. Right then, Shin was prepared to tell his mother that he wanted to be with Saint, that they were going to be together from now on. And while he was building himself up to do just that, Saint already had one foot out the door. Just as Shin was about to fight, Saint was about to leave. 

How mortifying. It was so embarrassing that he wanted to die, because the only one he could blame was himself. What made him think that Saint had changed? It was easy for Saint to throw out some sweet words and make a fool of himself, it didn’t mean anything. But that was enough for Shin to eat up his bullshit, hook, line, and sinker. Saint looked at him long enough, and he heard wedding bells. It was pathetic. All Saint ever gave him was words and nothing else, and Shin was stupid enough to believe that they meant Saint actually loved him like he loved Saint. Loving Saint meant that his body was Saint’s to ruin, his heart was Saint’s to hold in the palm of his hand, everything looped back to him. It didn’t matter what Saint did to him or what anyone else thought. No one could make him leave Saint, not ever, if Saint was waiting for him. Not his mother, not anyone. But to Saint, Shin was just a toy that he could pick up and put down whenever he got bored. And Shin was going to let him. The thought of it made him want to put his fist through the wall. 

So if he was wavering before, it was crystal clear for him now: he hated Saint. The ice cold water of reality splashed all over him, and he would never forgive Saint for this. They were over. Completely, seriously, fully over. 

***

When Shin woke up the next morning, he was calm. He put on his school uniform, warmed up Chingching’s breakfast, and walked her to school. Then he walked to school himself, waving when he saw Chadjen waiting for him outside of the gates. They walked in together, Chadjen chattering away and Shin humming every once in a while to show that he was listening. The whole time, he acted like he wasn’t on high alert, keeping careful watch of his surroundings out of the corner of his eyes. Waiting for him.

“Oh, Saint!” Chadjen called out. Shin’s heart rate spiked up immediately. 

Shin already had the whole day planned out. He braced himself for Saint’s groveling, most likely explaining how Shin misunderstood him or that he didn’t mean it. He knew that Saint would follow him around, begging for forgiveness, probably even grabbing him to keep him from leaving. Whatever he did, Shin would ignore him. He wasn’t going to speak to him at all. And if Saint touched him, he would push him off. Nothing dramatic, but clear enough. If Saint wanted to embarrass himself in front of their classmates, that was his choice. It had nothing to do with Shin, not anymore. 

But…if Saint endured all that and wanted to come with him to pick up Chingching, he would let him. He might make him walk fifty feet behind them like he’d done before, but he’d let him come. For Chingching. She just got used to having him back, it seemed cruel for Shin to take him away again. It was for Chingching’s sake entirely, not him. There was nothing between the two of them now. 

So he said, “Chadjen, don’t call him.”

Chadjen blinked at him in confusion. “Are you angry with him again?” 

What would be the point in being angry? Anger was a useless emotion with nowhere to go for someone who hadn’t accepted the way things were. And Shin was no longer that person. “I’m not angry with him. I hate him.” 

Chadjen gave him a long look, then went over to Saint before Shin could stop him. It put Shin between a rock and a hard place. He couldn’t follow Chadjen, because he wasn’t going anywhere near Saint of his own volition. But he wasn’t going to leave without his friend, so he just had to watch them talk. He couldn’t help but look at Saint, who looked just as bad as Shin thought he would. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he was slumped forward like a puppet with its strings cut. Shin wondered if he slept at all, or if he also spent all night staring up at the ceiling and scrubbing the tears from his eyes. Had his body recovered from all the fighting? Saint was never good at taking care of himself…

Saint looked over at him, and Shin ripped his eyes away. He didn’t care if he was okay. Shin hoped he was miserable. All Shin wanted was for Chadjen to wrap up his conversation so they could get to class. What could they possibly be talking about? More bullshit about how sorry Saint was? He could choke on his apologies and die, instead of wasting his breath. 

Saint looked over at Shin again, and this time Shin didn’t look away. Saint looked like a kicked dog bracing himself for another hit. He looked as empty as Shin felt, and the distance between them felt like an ocean. It was uncomfortable. How long was he going to wait before he walked over to Shin? Was he waiting for a handwritten invitation? All Shin could do was stare at him in anticipation. 

Then, to his complete and utter surprise, Saint walked away. He saw Shin standing there, made eye contact with him, and still turned away from him first. Like he didn’t have anything to say to him. Shin watched his retreating figure and felt his heart sink in spite of himself. What the hell was that?

It threw him so badly that he couldn’t pay attention in class. Mr. Sung was going on and on about the class’s punishment for skipping school, but the only thing on Shin’s mind was sitting directly to the left of him. Saint wasn’t sleeping for once, but his gaze was trained on the desk as if he were trying to burn a hole into it. They were the only two who didn’t react to anything being said, lost in their own worlds. When Shin couldn’t take it anymore, he glanced over at him. Saint’s whole body was turned to the window, staring at nothing. Even with Shin sitting right next to him, clearly looking at him, he didn’t spare him a single glance, not for one second. 

It drove Shin absolutely crazy. Absolutely and completely wild. It took everything in him not to flip over Saint’s damn desk and throw him up against the wall by the collar of his shirt, just to see if he could keep on ignoring him then. Maybe if he hadn’t so recently gotten nearly expelled. 

It was insane. Saint actually had to be a psychopath, to be acting like this right now. Maybe this got lost in the drama of everything that happened over the last couple of months, but Shin was the one who didn’t want to get back together. He tried so many times to get Saint to leave him alone. He turned him down calmly, he pushed him away harshly, he punched the shit out of him multiple times to get his message across. He watched Saint get beaten to a pulp in front of him and did nothing, stopped showing up to school just so he wouldn’t have to see his face. He said to anyone who would listen, especially Saint, that he hated him and would until the day he died. 

And Saint didn’t care. Whatever insults Shin flung his way, Saint didn’t listen to him. He followed Shin around even when he told him to stay away, inserted himself into so many dangerous situations just to protect him. He showed up at his house, his sister’s school, any and everywhere Shin might be. And the things he said to Shin…he sure didn’t care about being selfish when he said he couldn’t leave Shin alone. I won’t let you go anywhere, Saint told him. You need to be with me . He did everything in his power to make Shin fall for him all over again. And now he cared about doing the right thing? Shin wanted to smash his fist in his face one last time.

No. Saint wasn’t going to get off that easy. He pushed his way back into Shin’s life when Shin had done everything to get him out. He got other people involved, all of them pushing him to take Saint back. He even got Chadjen on his side. So no, he didn’t get to drop Shin when it was convenient for him. Shin was sick and tired of their relationship being entirely on Saint’s terms. Saint didn’t give a fuck what he wanted before, now it was his turn. 

Shin waited until Saint went to go take the homework booklets to the teacher lounge to confront him. He followed him, going around the other side, right where Saint would have no choice but to walk past him. 

It annoyed Shin just looking at him. Saint acted like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. The light in his eyes was gone, and he sighed multiple times. It really pissed him off. He chose to make himself unhappy and dragged Shin down with him. Why was he acting like he was some kind of martyr? 

When Saint saw Shin walking in his direction, he only looked more tormented. He grit his teeth and braced himself to walk past Shin, as if Shin would let him. The minute they were close enough, he shoulder-checked Saint so hard that the workbooks went tumbling from his hands and onto the floor. It was the most violent he’d been with Saint unprovoked. 

“Don’t get in my way.” Shin said without a trace of remorse. He wanted to get under his skin as much as possible. 

He waited for Saint to say something. Shin was standing right there in front of him, daring him to fight back. He couldn’t just ignore him. But Saint simply bent down to start collecting the books. Not one word to Shin. He didn’t look in his direction either. 

Shin was reaching his limit. If Saint continued to act like this, Shin was going to stop holding back. He kneeled down next to Saint and stared right at him, not moving an inch. He swore to God that if Saint tried to walk away again without speaking to him, the next thing he’d do is stick an ankle out and put him on the floor. See if he could ignore that.

But this time, there was a crack. Saint sighed under his breath and finally, finally looked at him. “What are you doing?” 

Just that was enough to snap Shin’s last thread of reason. He grabbed Saint by the front of his shirt and pulled him in, and fought not to shudder as Saint’s familiar scent washed over him. This was where Saint belonged. On his knees, looking at Shin like he was the beginning and end of everything, like he was the only thing that mattered.

“Even if I hate you,” His voice was slow, calm, deadly. He wanted to make sure Saint heard him loud and clear. “You must not avoid me.”

Maybe he had gone too soft on Saint, like his mom said. Because Saint must be confused or out of his mind, and Shin was here to make something very, very clear: all of him still belonged entirely to Shin. He was Shin’s to love and to hate, it was up to Shin whether he wanted him close or wanted him far away. Shin could do whatever he wanted to him, and it was Saint’s job to be there through it all. He said he wasn’t going anywhere no matter what Shin did to kick him out. Always following him, needing him…that was what Saint promised. And if he didn’t want that, too bad. He should’ve left Shin alone then. He dug up all this shit Shin spent three years burying, and now he was going to pay. 

Saint leaving him wasn’t an option. He would do whatever it took to get that through his thick skull.

Chapter Text

“How long will you keep avoiding me?”

Shin wasn’t even surprised when he and Saint ended up being assigned to clean the storage room together. The universe seemed determined to throw the two of them together regardless of what either of them wanted, and Shin was tired of trying to fight against it. He wondered when Saint would get tired of it too. 

“You and I…aren’t friends anymore, are we?” It was the first words Saint had spoken to him since they started cleaning. He sounded dull and lifeless, as he’d been all day. 

Shin sighed. He hated Saint. He really did. He hated that even after all this time apart, he could still read his mind. It was painfully clear to him that Saint was doing what he thought was best for Shin, however he rationalized that for himself in his head. As usual, he never once thought about Shin’s feelings. He could never see past his guilt and his own pain, so he still hadn’t realized what was so obvious to everyone else. That Shin hated him because he couldn’t hate him, and never had. 

“Idiot.” It was the only thing his pride would let him say. “Such a stupid idiot, really.”

Shin felt like Saint was never going to get it, that Shin loved him. Not like a friend or a best friend, or whatever casual in between they messed around with. He was in love with him, the stupid, pathetic, desperate kind of love that almost made Shin want to do the begging. A love so strong that even when it turned to hate, it would never leave him. 

Shin grabbed another chair and turned his back on him. He bit his lip to keep from doing something stupid himself, like crying. 

***

“You don’t carry your phone, but you have cigarettes?”

Shin took another drag, thinking about how he should respond to that. He only started smoking now because he had nothing better to do. There was no point in continuing to bang on the door. Mr. Sung wasn’t the type to bluff. If he said he wouldn’t let them leave this rooftop until they figured their bullshit out, they would be there all night. 

Mind your business was on the tip of his tongue. Why do you care was another strong contender. It’s your fault. I don’t even like cigarettes, remember? He couldn’t say that, even though that one was the truest. Before, he hated smoking. The smell irritated his nose, and he didn’t like the sensation of smoke filling his lungs or how it messed with Saint’s natural, comforting scent. He complained about it multiple times and threw away Saint’s packs when he wasn’t looking. It didn’t matter if Saint got mad at him or not. He hated it every time he saw Saint with a cigarette in his hand, even if he looked kinda cool smoking. 

I want us to be together for a long time, he’d say to try to get through to him. Don’t expect me to spend all my time taking care of you if you put yourself in the hospital with lung cancer. 

Saint was scandalized by this. He didn’t hesitate to shoot back, how can you say that? If it were you, I would be at the hospital every single day. I’d even clean your shitty bedpan. 

What the hell are you talking about? Shin said, pushing his face away. He worked so hard not to let Saint see the effects his words had on him, how they made him so happy he wanted to die. If only he meant it. 

But when Shin was in the hospital, he only showed up once. And all he did was make Shin watch him leave. After that, with no soccer and no Saint to distract himself with, he had to figure out what to do with all of the pain. His way didn’t work anymore, so he decided to try dealing with it the way Saint did. Recklessly, picking up fights for the hell of it, uncaring of what would happen to him in the future. Now, when he smoked, he understood the allure of it. It was something to do, another distraction from the shittiness of his reality. A crutch, a stress reliever. A good excuse to keep facing the Bangkok skyline instead of dealing with the most complicated relationship of his life once and for all. 

Shin settled on, “It’s none of your business.” 

Saint sighed behind him. Shin didn’t bother turning around, keeping his eyes on the city. If Saint would rather uselessly bang on the door than talk to him, then Shin had no interest in giving him his full attention. It was Saint’s fault they were trapped on the roof, that their relationship had come to this. And honestly, Shin was exhausted. He didn’t feel like fighting with him anymore, or himself. 

So of course, that was when Saint finally felt like talking. “Do you know why I voluntarily stopped being your friend?” 

“Because you are a coward.” Shin’s response came back quick. “You run away from problems.” 

“No, I didn’t.” It didn’t escape Shin, the flash of emotion in Saint’s voice.

“Bullshit.”

He heard Saint huff in irritation. Good. Let Saint feel what it was like talking to a brick fucking wall. 

Even with his back turned, he was listening to every single thing Saint said. Nothing was a surprise. He already knew that Saint was desperate for him to stay in school, he was aware that Saint didn’t want to get in between him and his mom. Did he think Shin was blind to how devastated he looked, watching Shin fight with her? None of this addressed what really pissed Shin off, why they would never be happy together if things stayed like this. Still, he stayed quiet. If Saint wasn’t going to listen, he didn’t even want to try. 

But then Saint started in apologizing for the millionth time. “I’m sorry, Ai Shin. It was my fault that day. I obeyed that stupid rule of the Tsunami gang and I hurt you. But you have to believe me, I didn’t mean to break your leg! I never meant to—” 

And Shin was throwing down his cigarette and whipping around before he could even think about it. “Are you done? Is it my turn yet?”

Saint’s voice cut out. Shin inhaled sharply. If he was going to do this, he was going to get it all out there. All his cards on the table, everything he’d been choking down for three goddamn years. All the things he thought he’d never get the chance to say to Saint, that he spent so long convincing himself he’d already buried. Everything. And if they were still over after that, fine. Maybe this time, it would actually stick.

“Stop apologizing to me, asshole! I know that it was an accident. I know you didn’t mean to break my leg.” Shin made sure he was looking right at Saint when he said this. “I was never angry about that. I was angry that you left me on my own.” 

It was only the second time in his life that he had ever said that out loud, the first being earlier today to Mr. Sung. So you weren’t angry with him because he broke your leg? It was the way Sung said it, with zero judgement in his tone, not even really asking because he knew the answer. Because of that, Shin let himself say what he had never said out loud before, not to anyone, that he forgave Saint for hurting him almost as soon as it happened. It was something he wouldn’t even say to himself, he refused to think about it. But even without words, the truth still existed inside of him. He held it tight to his chest, till it felt like it was suffocating him. How could he tell anyone? He knew it was wrong. But that didn’t change the fact that after Saint broke his leg, the only person he wanted to see was him. If Saint had walked into the room and sobbed at his bedside, burying his face against that broken leg, he would’ve ran his fingers through his hair. He would’ve comforted him. Saint just had to open the door.

“You left, Saint!” Shin shoved him, the anger and hurt rolling off of him in waves. “When I woke up, you were the first person I thought of. I needed you, and you left me. You broke my heart.” 

Shin could see Saint processing this, his mind must be moving a mile a minute. He almost wanted to laugh because he had been dead right. Saint really never understood him, not for a single second. 

“I waited for you for three years, but you never came back.” he choked out. “You didn’t even try. And I—” 

“I came back.” 

Shin was this close to punching him in the face. “This doesn’t count. If our campuses hadn’t merged, you never would’ve—”

“No, Shin,” Saint got closer to him, drawing Shin in once again. “I came back. ”

That shut Shin up. He stared at him, heart in his throat.

“I couldn’t take it,” Saint confessed. “I dropped out of school and tried to stay away from you, but I couldn’t take it. I thought about you all the time. Life didn’t seem worth living without you.”

Shin clenched his fists so tight that he felt the blunt edges of his nails cut into his palms. He had felt the same way, down to that same thought verbatim: life didn’t seem worth living without you.

“I came back to your house and begged your mom to let me see you, but she wouldn’t. She said…” he started, then shook his head. As if it was too painful to recount her exact words. “She told me the best thing I could do was stay away from you. So I listened.”

Shin took a second to take that in. And when he was done, his mouth set in a grim line. “You see? That’s what I mean. If it were me, I would’ve kept coming back. I wouldn’t have let my mom stop me. There’s not a person in the world that can keep me away from you if that’s what I want. Because I know that I am always willing to fight for you, no matter what. Not you. You run away as soon as there’s problems. You love me until it gets too hard.” 

Saint sucked in a breath at that. “That’s not true.” 

“Of course it is. You left me before, now you choose to leave me again.” Shin snapped back. “It makes me sick when you say you’re doing it for me and you’re sorry. Your apologies mean nothing to me, because you never listen! You’re a coward who only ever thinks about himself.” 

Saint took that like a punch. He recoiled, then nodded slowly. “You’re right. I’m a coward and an asshole, just like you said.” 

Shin exhaled, leaning back. The last thing he needed to do was listen to Saint get back on his soapbox about what a terrible person he is. 

“I’m a horrible person.” Saint continued, with tears in his eyes. “Someone as good as you shouldn’t be with someone like me.”

Shin felt those words like a knife to the gut, because he knew they meant goodbye. This time, he couldn’t hold himself back. He let his fist fly at full force, right across his face. Once again, Saint took it like a champ. He wiped his mouth and looked right at Shin. 

“It’s good that you hate me.” Saint said, and Shin let out a dry chuckle. Oh yeah, he hated him. He never hated anyone so much in his life. 

“I don’t want to ruin your life again.” There was so much anguish in his expression, pure pain. “I want you to graduate. I want you to play soccer. If I have to give up being by your side to make that happen, I’ll do it. Because that’s your happiness, and I don’t want to be the one to get in the way of that anymore.” 

Shin stared at him, his throat bobbing. He wouldn’t get it unless Shin said it out loud, would he?

“If you’re not by my side,” Shin shoved him again, trying so damn hard to get his feelings through to him. “How could I be happy, asshole?”

It was the most vulnerable he had been with him so far. The truest thing he had ever said. Didn’t Saint understand? It was true for the both of them, meeting again had made it obvious. They could survive without each other, put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions. They could even make other friends, maybe even smile every once in a while. But they could not live without the other, not really. Shin hadn’t been, anyway. He saw Saint in his dreams, every corner of his house was haunted by him. He named his own gang after him, every place he went to had a memory with him. Shin would never be truly happy, not without Saint. He stopped caring about his future because Saint wouldn’t be there. He couldn’t imagine playing soccer again without him there. What was the point, if he didn’t have Saint’s arms to run into when he scored a goal? 

For a second, it nearly seemed he got through to Saint. There was a new light in his eyes, and his mouth opened to say something. But then the light died, and he said instead, “You can. You have your mom, Chingching, and Chadjen. You don’t need me.”

There was no way to delay this any longer. “Are you really going to leave me?” 

Saint’s silence answered for him. 

Fine. If Saint was going to break his heart again, for good this time, then Shin wanted to make sure he felt at least a fraction of the pain that was running through him right now. He balled up his fist and punched him with everything he had, all the longing and the suffering and the heartbreak he’d been carrying with him all this time. 

Neither of them noticed the precariously stacked desks, not until they came crashing down. 

***

And somehow, they were okay. 

All the bullshit they were arguing about before seemed so meaningless, once he saw Saint lying there unconscious. Shin thought he would lose his mind, banging on the door for help and calling out Saint’s name. He could handle a lot of things, but Shin would always rather be the one hurting than see Saint in pain. It made him feel so helpless. He always needed him to be okay.

“Saint? Saint, Saint.” He kept shaking his shoulder, pleading with him. “Saint, wake up! Don’t do this, please.” 

Shin rested his head on Saint’s chest and heard himself say, “My Saint. Please, wake up…” 

Only then did he hear a quiet groan, so low he thought he imagined it for a second. Saint’s voice came next, weak but there. “Why are you yelling?”

The relief that ran through Shin was so potent it could’ve knocked him over. His hands were all over Saint, frantic. “Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy? Does your head hurt? Do you feel disoriented or…”

Shin trailed off, because he got distracted by Saint’s expression. Saint was looking at him so softly, so tenderly, with an amused smile on his lips. Shin remembered seeing that same look on his face on the rare times Saint woke up before him after a sleepover. Shin would only get to see it for a flash, because once Saint realized he’d been caught, he’d cover it up with a joke or jump out of the bed. But he wasn’t going anywhere now. Saint let himself gaze at Shin, and he didn’t care that Shin was looking right back at him. 

“Did you forget? I’m made of steel.” Saint’s eyes twinkled with humor. “Just this can’t hurt me.” 

Then he reached up and brushed Shin’s hair away from his face, his fingertips tracing down each strand. Just that was enough to make Shin tremble. “Are you really okay?”

Saint winced a little then. “I’m feeling a little pain…”

“What? Where?” Shin leaned forward, checking him all over. 

“I can’t tell you. It’ll look like a sitcom.” 

“Tell me where you’re hurt!”

“My arm.” Saint admitted. “You’re gonna leave a bruise if you lean on it any more.” 

When he looked down at Saint’s other arm and saw his own knee digging into Saint’s shoulder, he jumped back as if he’d been stung. 

Saint took the chance then to sit up. “Aw, man. We were about to have a sweet moment too.” 

“How can you joke around right now?” Shin pushed down the back of his head, like he had done so many times before. “I was really worried about you.” 

“I’m sorry.” Saint said, still smiling. It was casual, weightless. And yet, unlike all the other times Saint had said it before, this one actually mended Shin’s heart. 

Just as Shin stood up and dusted himself off, Saint asked, “Are we good?” 

Shin looked at him, and loved him. “I guess.”

He stretched a hand out to help Saint up. Saint didn’t move right away at first. Instead, he stared at Shin’s hand like it was something fragile and precious, then reached out to take it. Just as Shin went to pull him up, Saint used his full strength to pull him down.

“Ai Saint—”

Saint buried his face into Shin’s shoulder, and Shin couldn’t remember what he was going to say. 

“Shin,” Saint whispered, saying his name the way no one else ever had. “I really missed you.” 

“Yeah.” Shin leaned his cheek against the top of Saint’s head, and began stroking his hair. “Me too.” 

Chapter Text

The city lights blurred and spun around them like a kaleidoscope as they sped home on Saint’s motorbike. The stars spread out over the clear night sky, illuminated by a full moon hanging there bright and lovely. Had the world always been this beautiful? Or was Saint only able to see it now with Shin sitting behind him, his arms wrapped around his waist and head resting on his shoulder, holding him a little tighter each time they rounded a corner?

Saint was so afraid that he was dreaming. How could it be anything else? When he went to sleep last night, he was so sure that it was over between him and Shin. Actually, completely, over. Even as he walked home, he kept hearing Shin's agonized voice in his head. You’re going to leave me again just like that, you asshole! In the end, you still choose to run away. There were so many times Saint thought about turning around and banging on the gates to Shin’s house, yelling loud enough for his voice to reach him even through the windows that he wasn’t running away, he meant everything he said to Shin, from the moment they met again to now. That he’d rather die than leave him again. But every time he stopped, he heard Shin saying get lost. The way Shin looked at him was burned into his memory, because it was what he’d been trying to run from all this time, the reason he couldn’t bring himself to open that hospital door that day. Shin looking at him like he didn’t recognize him, like he never knew who Saint really was…It was worse than death. Shin said they were done, and this time Saint believed him. 

Saint didn’t sleep the whole night. Because it washed over him the role he played in Shin’s life, all this time. Saint wanted to be with Shin again because Shin was the sun, he was everything good and beautiful in the world. He looked out for Saint and kept him out of trouble, never let him brood by himself for too long. He protected Saint and cared for him, gave him a family and kept him warm. Just being next to Shin was pure happiness, the best thing in the world. With him, Saint knew where he belonged. 

But for Shin, being with Saint has caused irreparable damage to his life. His leg was broken and he lost his chance to support his family, make his mother proud. He’d been dragged into countless fights, putting him in danger when he should’ve been at school or practice. Now, he almost got expelled in part because people thought he was bullying Saint, all because Saint wouldn’t leave him alone when he’d asked him to stay away so many times. He got the crap beaten out of him by gang members because Saint wasn’t there to protect him. And now he was disappointing his mother again because he was too kind to kick away the piece of trash that ruined his life. All Saint ever did was drag Shin down and hurt him. All the times he cried were because of him. 

Saint didn’t want to be that person in Shin’s life anymore. He wanted Shin to find that pure, uncomplicated happiness too, and not continue being the one standing in the way of that. Shin was so close to it too. He had a family that loved him, friends that adored him. If he didn’t have Saint hanging around, reminding him of that awful day, maybe he’d even find it within himself to try playing soccer once again. If Saint ever loved him at all, he should’ve left him alone from the very beginning. 

Saint meant it this time, he was never going to bother Shin again. He was going to try to not even look at him, but Shin…Shin made it so hard. He was so beautiful. He was irresistible crouching down, eyes sparking with anger as he ordered Saint not to avoid him. He was absolutely breathtaking even with his back to Saint, cigarette smoke wafting around him and silhouetted against the city skyline like something out of a magazine cover. But he was the most beautiful when he gave up that facade he’d been putting up of being cool, tough, and uncaring, let the mask completely drop from his face, and showed how much he cared. There would never be anyone as lovely as Shin was, braced over him as he checked Saint’s body for wounds, touching him all over. 

When he opened his eyes and saw Shin, everything became clear. Everything they had gone through, all the ways they had hurt each other, every single obstacle that separated them, all of that had led them back to each other. They were meant to be together. Nothing else made sense. And Saint had finally had enough of running, not when he and Shin were tied together by an invisible string, something much stronger than they could ever hope to fight against. He would never leave Shin again. No one will ever be able to tear him from Shin’s side, not even God. 

They talked for hours on the rooftop after, about everything. This time, Saint really listened. He didn’t flinch away from hearing about how deeply he hurt Saint, he let himself sink into the good memories Shin recounted. To run around and joke with Shin, picking him up and spinning him around while Shin’s laughter resounded in his ears made him so happy he didn’t know what to do with himself. It was as if the shell he’d become after losing Shin had cracked open, and now he could finally see the light. He was alive again, and it felt so damn good. 

“Saint.” Shin’s voice ripped back from the clouds he was floating on, back to the present moment. 

“Yes?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yes? What is it?” 

The silence that followed made his heart race with anticipation. This day had come with a lot of twists and turns already, he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. But even if Shin said that they still weren’t friends, Saint wouldn’t let that faze him. When you decided to devote the rest of your life to someone, waiting wasn’t all that scary. 

There was no way for him to prepare for what Shin actually said. 

“You know what?” Shin’s voice was soft, for his ears only. “Besides soccer, you are the only one I care about.” 

The motorcycle engine, the crickets, the distant honking of cars, Saint couldn’t hear any of it. The world muted out around him, except for Shin. Shin, saying the things he had never dared to hope for, much less thought he would hear in his lifetime. 

All Saint could do was tell the truth in return. “For me, you are the only one that I care about.”

It was a truth that laid at the very core of his being, something he never thought he would say out loud but always felt. He loved his dad and he liked boxing, but neither of them compared to Shin. There was nothing he wouldn’t give up for him, no one he would choose over him. For him, there had never been anything else. Shin was the object of his desires and dreams, the only thing he ever wanted. He’d go to sleep at night only because he knew it meant he’d get to see Shin sooner, and soon he didn’t even have to wait because he’d curl up in Shin’s bed every night. Shin was everything. He never tried to hide that. 

But he always thought that soccer was everything to Shin. If Shin had to pick between him and soccer, Saint believed without a doubt that he would lose. And when Shin told him that he was going to spend less time with the gang because his coach told him to, it was all of his worst nightmares come true. Shin didn’t love Saint as much as Saint loved him, so it was easy for him to throw Saint away. Shin was leaving him, completely fine with letting Saint’s world go dark. He never cared about him. All the stupid thoughts of a selfish child. Even as the years passed by, he grew to believe that Shin was right to love soccer more than him. Who would put their faith in a broken, messed up guy like him? He was okay with it, and he would never forget his place again. 

But now, here Shin was. Saying that it was never soccer above him. That for him, the both of them were his greatest passions in life, always had been. It took everything for Saint not to stop the motorcycle, get on his hands and knees, and just weep. 

“Ai Saint!” Even without looking at him, Shin sounded so happy. It drove Saint insane that it was possible for him to make Shin feel like this. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”

And Saint couldn’t hold it back anymore. His vision went blurry as tears began pouring down his face, one after the other. Hearing this, when he woke up this morning and believed in his heart of hearts that Shin would’ve been better off if Saint never came into his world…it made all the pain he’d suffered through worth it. He would never forget this moment, not for the rest of his life. 

“Why are you telling me now?” he said, as if he wasn’t crying like a baby. “We could’ve ended up having an accident.”

He heard Shin’s laughter behind him, felt his head resting against the center of his back. Saint couldn’t stop himself from turning around and taking a peek, he had to see him. It was worth the risk. Shin’s cheeks were pink from all the laughing, and there was a crooked, unrestrained smile spread across his face. When Shin smiled, actually smiled without being self-conscious or anything, it lit his whole face up. He glowed inside and out, and it made it impossible to look away from him. 

Luckily, he hit Saint on the back to help him out. “What are you looking at, asshole? Keep your eyes on the road!” 

***

Saint turned off the engine as soon as he stopped in front of Shin’s house. The last thing they needed was a repeat of last night. 

Shin got off his bike, but still stayed close to him. “Thanks for giving me a ride home.” 

Saint grinned at him, so happy he could hardly contain it. “You don’t have to thank me. I’d be your personal driver if you let me.”

Shin scoffed and hit Saint with his bag. “Shut up.” 

He turned to walk away, then turned back. He looked at Saint with a softness that took Saint’s breath away and said, “Goodnight. Get home safely.” 

Instead of making Saint feel like he would float away, Saint’s heart felt heavy. Watching Shin turn his back on him, there was a pounding in his chest that pushed him to speak. If they really were going to try again, he had to tell Shin everything. That was what he promised on the rooftop, that if it was about him he’d go to Shin first, so they could work it out together. And the one thing they hadn’t talked about yet was his feelings. He didn’t see how they could keep going without Saint admitting that he was absolutely, hopelessly in love with Shin. 

When they were younger, he never said it. At first, he was too stupid to realize it. He thought it was normal to always want to be around your best friend, never want them to be close with anyone else, and to be willing to walk on hot coals if you had to just to bring a smile to their face. And then when his feelings grew too strong for him to deny it any longer, it terrified him. He couldn’t stand the idea that he might scare Shin off if he knew how much Saint felt for him. So every time he got close to saying it, he shoved it down or distracted away from it with a joke. Anyway, he told himself that he and Shin could understand each other without words, that was how deep their bond was. Shin probably already knew how he felt, just with a look. In reality, he was a coward, just like Shin said.

Once they reunited, it was clear to Saint that he messed up by never saying anything before. No matter how many times he told Shin he loved him, the feelings never got through. Shin thought his devotion was a form of penance, a way to make himself feel better for all the ways Saint wronged him. He had no idea that it was ingrained in Saint’s soul and would be till the day he died.

Maybe this time, Shin would believe him. Either way, he had to say it. It felt like a ticking time bomb in his chest that was going to go off sooner rather than later. If they were going to start over, he didn’t want to keep any secrets from Shin. Not anymore. 

“Shin!” He swung off his motorcycle and jogged up just as Shin was about to open the gate. 

Shin turned around as soon as he heard his name and went up to meet him, bringing them much closer than Saint anticipated. “Yeah?” 

Saint’s throat closed up, he couldn’t speak. What should he say? How should he say it? I love you was too simple to capture the full scope of his feelings for Shin. He would do anything for him. He would die for him. He felt like he was barely breathing when he was without him. Sometimes he wished he could shrink down and fit into Shin’s pocket, so he could go with him everywhere. 

“Saint?” Shin was staring at him with clear curiosity, and Saint couldn’t move an inch. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he managed to choke out. “I just…I need to tell you something.” 

Shin waited for him to keep going. When Saint didn’t say anything he said, “Okay? Do you want me to guess?”

How do you tell the love of your life that he’s it for you? That you want to be with him forever? Even though you don’t deserve it, and you’re still not sure you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself for hurting him, you still want him to know that you’ll always be there for him. That you are his, always. 

“Saint?” 

Maybe…maybe he had to show him. 

He grasped Shin by the shoulders and walked him backwards, until Shin’s back was pressed against the gate. He got closer and closer, till there were only a few inches between him and Shin. Shin kept his eyes on him the entire time, and he hadn’t pulled away once. Before he could chicken out, Saint leaned in and kissed him. 

It wasn’t anything like when they kissed in the stairwell, hot and desperate and on edge. Or all the times they had kissed before that, fumbling and naive. This kiss was sweet, tender. Shin’s mouth was warm and willing, and he wrapped his arms around Saint’s waist like they did this every day. It was the kind of kiss you gave someone you’d been with a long time, just as a reminder of your passion for the other. Solid, secure. Saint was hot all over just from the pleasure of it. 

When he pulled back, Shin didn’t open his eyes right away. Like he was still dreaming, and he wasn’t ready to wake up yet. When they finally did flutter open, the look in his eyes was dark and heady, like nothing else existed except for Saint. It was intoxicating, so much so that Saint couldn’t think straight. 

“I love you.” he blurted out, then winced. “I mean, I’m in love with you. I didn’t mean to throw it on you like this but…if we’re going to do this, I don’t think I can hide it like I used to. I’m not sure I know how to anymore.” 

“You were hiding it?” Shin teased him. 

“I’m serious, Shin.” He reached down and took Shin’s hand, gentle. “I’ll be whatever you want. Classmate, friend, whatever. I won’t push for anything, I know I don’t deserve anything else. But I don’t want to lie to you either. So I’m telling you now, I love you. I loved you the whole time we were separated, and even when you hated me. I’ve always loved you. And I always will.” 

His heart was beating so fast he could hardly breathe. He waited for Shin’s response, knowing his fate was entirely up to him. His whole life would be decided by whatever Shin said next.

“Saint…” Shin leaned his head back against the gate and sighed. “You’re such an idiot.”

Not exactly the response he was hoping for.

“You think I want to be your friend?” Shin said, and for one heartbreaking moment Saint thought they were back to square one. “You broke my leg and I’m still chasing after you. How do you think I feel about you?” 

That sobered Saint up. “I know, I’ll never stop being sorry—” 

“No, stop.” Shin cut him off. “If we’re going to be together, you have to promise to let the past stay in the past. I forgive you, Saint. So you have to start forgiving yourself too.” 

Slowly, he nodded. Saint wasn’t exactly sure how to do that, but for Shin, he’d figure it out. “Okay. I’ll try.” 

A beat passed, then Shin’s words replayed back in his head and his eyes went wide. “Wait, together?”

Shin rolled his eyes hard and sighed. “Yes, idiot. We’re not friends. You’re my boyfriend now, okay? Does that make sense, or do you need me to say it another way?”

Saint couldn’t respond. All he heard were angels singing, repeating the most perfect words he had ever heard in his life: you’re my boyfriend. 

Only for Shin to follow it up with words that were even more perfect than that. His expression turned shy, and he pressed his forehead to Saint’s. “I love you, Saint. I never figured out how to stop loving you, so I think I always will. Whatever you do to me, I’m yours.”

They kissed again, Saint’s hands in Shin’s hair and Shin’s palms spreading across Saint’s back. Every day was going to be just like this, the two of them together forever. He swore this to himself, as sacred as a wedding vow. 

Shin pulled back suddenly. “If you ever try to leave me again, I’ll kill you. Just so we’re clear.”

Saint could’ve swooned. He laughed, a bright, happy sound. “You’re the only one I’d let kill me. I wouldn’t mind, if it was you.”

Shin shoved him a little, but couldn’t keep from smiling. “You’re crazy.”

“Yeah,” Saint squeezed him tight and hoped he’d never have to let go. “I’m crazy about you.”