Chapter Text
Kawashima Momo.
Quiet girl. Diligent, but introverted. That's what her upperclassmen said.
Scary. Stone-faced, cold. That's what her peers said about her.
They were wrong. Momo was sure of it. In her heart of hearts, she knew that wasn't who she was. But it wasn't like she'd given out anything else for them to work with. None of them really knew her.
Friends weren't on the table. Not for her. But with a family as big and noisy as hers, she was never lonely.
Not ever. She told herself that so often she almost believed it.
Every day she kept her head down, every evening she dutifully filed paperwork for the Council, and every night she made the long march home to the Kawashima Printing Supplies Shop.
The Student Council. She hadn't been interested, originally. Her mother had recommended it as a good way to make friends, and show off her ‘kind and responsible heart’ - her best qualities, apparently, and certainly not ones she had been displaying lately. But since she'd joined, she'd found herself learning more and more about Oarai, both as a school and as a ship with thousands of residents.
Momo was one of those rare kids who had grown up on-board. Her family had moved there when she was still young, and she had attended the tiny elementary and middle schools present for children of adult workers like her. She knew the whole surface of the ship by heart, and in those secret summer days only truly lonely children have, she'd ventured far below decks, growing accustomed to the darkness and the sounds and smells.
The Zuikaku was old, by schoolship standards. It was on the smaller side, and missing a lot of the cutting-edge improvements and much-needed renovations that other ships benefitted from. There were even whole sections of the ship that were essentially condemned, places where only nautical-studies students would explore to check for structural damage.
In short, her home was in trouble. And there was a righteous, arrogant streak in her that couldn’t let it fall to rust and ruin. Not when she could do anything about it.
She had been surprised at the start of the year when two of her classmates had signed up with her. It hadn’t even occurred to her that any of the strangers, newcomers to Oarai, might have been interested in the responsibility. Or maybe, like her, they'd been encouraged by someone else?
Kadotani Anzu was the first, and she was trouble. She was a slacker, a joker and one of the most popular girls in class, who always seemed to skirt past the school’s morals committee, and who never studied but got top marks in every exam. Momo didn't think of herself as a jealous person, but she was jealous of Kadotani Anzu.
The other… The other one was Koyama Yuzu. She was trouble for a different reason. She was Anzu’s friend, and as she later discovered, they went back years. Unlike Kadotani Anzu or Momo herself, Yuzu was dignified and elegant, quiet and beyond reproach.
She was also beautiful in a way that made Momo’s heart hurt.
Between a borderline delinquent and a girl she could barely make eye contact with, Anzu and Yuzu were not Momo’s ideal choices for the student council. She resolved to keep her distance, but it would turn out that they had other ideas.
After the first student council meeting in April, Anzu had approached her and offered a handshake, like a salesman about to make a bad pitch.
“Nice to meet you.” Kadotani Anzu had said with a lopsided smile, her eyes full of laughter. “Let's take good care of each other - and our school.”
In that moment, Momo had taken her hand and shaken it - but had made sure to maintain her glare to let her know she didn’t support her delinquency.
She’d thought that would be the end of it - a cordial, businesslike greeting so she could get back to her life of solitude at school. But as it turned out, Anzu and Yuzu were friendly… and persistent.
Anzu was a talker. And an idealist. In every meeting, her hand went up first. She’d volunteer herself for anything, put herself forward for any responsibility, any task.
That would have been annoying enough, but it was never just her that she put forward.
“We’ll handle that!” She’d say, gesturing to Yuzu and Momo.
Don’t involve me in your schemes! She would scream internally, but… Try as she might she couldn’t say a word in protest in front of all these upperclassmen.
So she handed out fliers. She organised fundraisers. She let herself get dragged all the way across the schoolship, came home late, and went to school on the weekends.
At first she told herself she hated it. She told herself that next time she’d quit the Council for sure. Then she told herself it was for the school. Giving back to Oarai, to the Zuikaku, to preserve her family home. After that… It started to feel normal. She stopped making excuses for herself, and started voicing her own opinions - at least on occasion.
She became the girl who ventured down into the lower levels, the one unafraid of hissing pipes and suspicious clanging noises, who met up with the nautical studies girls and helped process their reports.
Just doing her duty of course - but it felt… nice. She felt important, needed.
And through it all, as weeks slipped by and Spring turned slowly into the sweltering summer - she got to know her two new friends as well as she knew anyone outside of her family.
Anzu was, despite everything, a hard-worker - at least when it suited her. She wasn’t lazy, just… laid-back. And she was smart too, and when she promised to do something, she made it happen. Momo found herself respecting her despite herself.
Yuzu was… Something else. It turned out that her gentle and polite nature wasn't just skin deep, she just genuinely seemed not to have a selfish bone in her body. If she had any negative traits at all, it was that she seemed incapable of saying no to anyone (not that Momo was much different, in that regard) and that… she seemed not to have any idea what effect she could have on people.
She was close, with wide, imploring eyes and a tendency to touch hands, shoulders, to smile in such a sincere way she left Momo helpless. She tried to keep Yuzu at arm's length for her own sake, but it was just too hard to resist her company.
.0.
One evening, the three of them found themselves alone in the Student Council office. This wasn’t too unusual, on account of Anzu’s insistence that the three of them do seemingly everything, but this particular case had been exhausting and had taken days. One of the ship’s mighty propeller engines was showing some serious wear, and they were doing everything they could to apply for the right grants and funds from the government to get it fixed - or else they’d be stuck at half-speed until the other engines burned out from overwork.
It had been an arduous task, but with the completion of these latest files, they had a really good chance of getting the money they needed. Momo’s hand was cramping from holding her pen so tightly, and her right eye was aching from behind with the promise of an imminent migraine.
Yuzu, to her left, didn’t seem to be faring much better. Anzu had disappeared about an hour ago, and hadn’t been seen since.
Just as Momo was about to complain about her absence, the door suddenly swung open, and the girl herself sauntered in like she hadn’t just abandoned her… friends… to this paperwork hell.
“Good news, girls!” Anzu declared. “I’ve spoken to the Pres, and gotten us a reward for our hard work!”
“A reward?” Yuzu asked, sounding excited.
“For us?” Momo asked, uncertain if she was involved.
“Exactly! Look at us! Last ones here, getting all these grant requests out on time!”
“Well, some of us are.” Momo grumbled.
“And so late into the night! My back is aching, my wrist is aching, and I’m sure I’m not alone! Don’t you deserve a reward?” If she’d heard Momo’s jab, she didn’t react.
“Well it would be nice…”
“So I got us a booking! For the outdoor Onsen! The Pres says the one they have is for her and the other council leaders, but we can book the outdoor one whenever it’s free!”
Momo’s stomach dropped. Surely she’d misheard. Surely Anzu wasn’t suggesting that. Anything but that.
Yuzu’s enthusiastic response was dull and distant in her ears.
I can’t. Not that.
She stood so quickly her chair tipped over behind her.
The others started.
“Momo… You good?” Anzu asked, head cocked to one side.
“I’m… I’ve got to go!”
Just let me go. Let me keep my dignity.
“Really? Now? We’re almost finished.” Yuzu said, looking disappointed.
“Yeah there’s- I’ve got a thing, and-”
“Didn’t you say you were free all night earlier?”
Please, stop pushing it!
“I-I don’t.. I forgot, and-”
“You seem really distressed, are you sure you’re okay?” Yuzu asked, reaching out and touching her arm.
Momo recoiled like Yuzu was a snake.
The look of hurt on her face was too much. Momo reacted in the only way she knew how to get out of these situations.
She ran away that night, literally and figuratively. Out of the student council office, out of school, all the way home.
.0.
The next day the girls were distant - delicate, like she was somehow fragile. That was almost worse. Yuzu looked so guilty it made Momo want to cry.
It wasn’t you, she wanted to say. You didn’t do anything wrong! But to say anything like that would require sharing truths she wasn’t ready to divulge.
It took another two days before Momo felt like they weren't walking on eggshells around her anymore.
And it took less than two weeks before Anzu made the same suggestion again.
“Ugh, I’m sick of this!” She cried, kicking off from her desk on her wheeled chair. “This stuff never ends! Plus all our senpais already went home, plus this chair sucks and it’s making my back hurt!”
“Maybe it’s the way you sit in it?” Momo asked. Anzu’s posture was terrible.
“Maybe.” Anzu said lightly, before she and Yuzu shared a look.
Yuzu’s face was scolding, Anzu’s nonchalant.
“But what would fix me is-”
Before she'd even finished her sentence, Momo tensed up.
Not again! I was almost enjoying myself!
“-a nice dip in a hot bath. Wouldn’t you agree?”
This time, neither Yuzu nor Momo immediately responded. A beat of heavy silence hung over the room.
Anzu frowned now at Yuzu, who gave Momo an apologetic glance and relented.
“Well, it would be nice…”
“No.” Momo surprised herself with the force of her refusal.
“Huh? How come? It’s no trouble, I just gotta fill out a slot, and I already know it’s not in use.”
“Just… No. I don’t like baths.”
Stupid excuse - and unbelievable. Who didn’t like baths? Should have left it at no.
Anzu said nothing, but her raised eyebrow suggested scepticism.
“I-I mean, if you feel that strongly about it…” Yuzu said quietly, clearly torn between being nice and whatever the hell it was that Anzu was putting her up to.
“Suit yourself.” Anzu said simply, shrugging. “We’re gonna go though.”
Momo seized up.
That’s not fair.
“I mean, seeing as you don’t like baths, it shouldn’t matter, right? You can just go home or whatever.”
Indignation rose in Momo’s throat. Of course she wanted to go. But of course she couldn’t. But now she couldn’t admit that she was mad about it without revealing that she was lying.
“...Fine.” She said through gritted teeth. “Have fun stewing in hot water I guess.”
That time Momo walked away, slowly and with intent. But deep down… It still felt like she was running.
.0.
After that, she got better at lying. Prepared excuses. And just as well, because they didn’t let up. Anzu hadn’t believed for one second that she didn’t want to go. And she didn’t think Anzu believed she was busy all those times either - so almost every week they’d play chicken, each one daring the other to call their bluff.
Until Momo slipped again.
More expenses. More responsibilities. A school festival that they’d ended up instrumental in organising. Anzu had suggested a dozen different events, each more scandalous and humiliating than the last. Momo was horrified by what she might end up getting forced into.
And in that moment of weakness, Anzu got one by her.
“You’re okay to stay with us late tonight, right?” She asked nonchalantly.
“Mm, no problem.” Momo replied, distracted by her work.
“So it’ll be alright if I book the onsen?”
Momo choked.
Why won’t you just let me be?
“I-I… I said I don’t like onsens, you know that.”
“I know what you said, Momo… But I also know you’re not very honest with us.
She’s calling my bluff!
“I told you not to call me Momo! It’s embarrassing.”
“I know you’re not honest with us, Kawashima.”
Shit, she’s not gonna let it drop.
“Well… Neither are you!” She rose to her feet. The only defence was attack. “You’ve been pestering me about this since before summer! You’re playing some kind of game with me!”
“Game?” Anzu blinked, feigning ignorance. “I’m just inviting you to do something nice with us. Something I think you’ll like.”
“You’re asking me over and over even when I say no! You’re always trying to catch me out and trip me up!” The indignation and panic overwhelmed the tight grip she kept on her emotions.
“Hey, we just wanna get closer to you! And this is the only thing you’ve ever said ‘no’ to.”
“Why do you care so much? Why do you keep insisting and poking me and forcing me to talk??” Momo was in real danger of accidentally saying something hurtful now, but she wasn't in control anymore.
Anzu shrugged, her face unreadable. “I’m a nosy girl - and I like to make friends.”
“Friends??” She sounded incredulous. Hysterical.
Yuzu looked hurt at Momo’s outburst. “We… are friends, right Mo- Kawashima?”
“I… Yeah, of course we’re friends.” She said, but the word got stuck in her throat. She’d never admitted that aloud. She’d never had friends.
“So be a friend! Take a chance on us and step out of your comfort zone! You might like it!”
“I might like it, I might! But I… I can’t, okay? I can’t do that one thing with you, and I can’t tell you why.”
Yuzu came in close again, placing a hand on hers. Despite the situation, it made Momo feel light-headed to have such intimate contact with her.
“Listen, if you really, really hate us asking we’ll stop, but… We feel like you’re saying no because you feel like you have to, not because you want to…”
Bullseye.
“I’m…”
A monumental secret loomed over her. Yuzu’s huge brown eyes, just centimetres away, put a crack in walls she’d spent years building tall and strong.
“You’re one of my best friends, Kawashima.” Anzu said quietly. “If you can’t do this with us, at least be honest and say why?”
Momo took a deep breath, taking a step back. She needed space.
“Look, I’m… I don’t talk about this with anyone. Ever.”
“Even your family?”
“N-no, my family knows. I don’t… I can’t keep secrets from them. And I couldn’t have hidden this.”
“Well, we can keep secrets, you know.” Yuzu said softly. “Not a soul, if you don’t want us to.”
“Look, I’m scared.” Those three words came out before Momo could stop them. She’d never admitted to being scared of anything before - not even to her family.
What are these two doing to me?
“I-I mean, a bit scared. Or more like I’m worried. Because I know that if you know this about me, everything’s going to change. And you might never look at me the same again.”
And I can’t bear that. Not from you.
Yuzu came in closer, cautious but caring, like she was approaching a stray cat.
“I-I don’t know what it is that you’re talking about, but please know that we’re not going to think any less of you, no matter what.” Her tone was reassuring. Dangerous.
My walls are breaking down.
Momo wanted to talk. Wanted to let someone in so badly, and most of all let these people in.
“We’re friends, remember? We’ll share our darkest secrets with you, if you want! That’s fair, right?” Anzu offered.
A laugh escaped. It jumped the crumbling walls and ran loose through the room. Nobody was more shocked to hear it than Momo herself.
“Yeah, that’s- that sounds fair.” She said between laughs. It was a weird laugh, squeezed out between the cracks in her facade, confused and entirely out-of-place. “I’ll… I’ll tell you.”
Another deep breath. Another step back. She faced them both, addressed them together.
I don't know how to say this. I never thought I would.
“I’m… Well… I wasn’t- I wasn’t born called Momo, okay?” She said cryptically. “I wasn’t… me. Until a couple years ago.”
“Oh…” Yuzu said quietly, clearly still confused. Then the realisation dawned on her face, and her hand flew up to her mouth, as if to mask her surprise.. “Oh… Oh!”
“I-I’m sorry,” she corrected herself quickly, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to sound surprised, or… well, it’s…”
Momo’s insides churned at Yuzu’s hand-wringing. Disgust or horror would have been the worst thing, but in that moment she could feel the distance growing between her and someone she’d been desperate to connect with, someone whose best intentions weren’t enough to bridge the gap between them. Someone she’d lov-
“Is that all?” Anzu asked loudly.
Momo blinked. The room that had been closing in around her snapped back to normal. The one reaction she never could have expected.
Indifference?
“Like, when you got all crazy about it, I thought you were gonna show off some mad battle scars or something, or you had like, yakuza tattoos all over your body.”
Momo gaped. “Scars? Tattoos? What kind of girl do you think I am?”
Anzu shrugged. “Guess I think you’re pretty cool. Am I wrong?”
Momo turned away, to hide the blush growing across her face.
“Wait, didn’t you both promise to share your darkest secrets with me?” She asked, pivoting away from herself.
“Oh- Well, if you still gotta know that bad. I’ve got a tattoo on my ankle and Yuzu got suspended from our middle school.”
“Wait, what? You got suspended?” Momo asked, shocked. She was so proper!
“Anzu, you didn’t let me tell her!” Yuzu whined.
Anzu laughed devilishly, and Momo felt a spark of joy - they were having fun together. Laughing, as a group. She wasn’t on the outside.
“Yes though, it’s true…” Yuzu said guiltily. “I got caught… breaking the rules of conduct. With one of the other girls.”
“Behind the bike shed.” Anzu added helpfully.
“Anzu!!” Yuzu scolded.
A giddy rush of realisation. Yuzu liked- well, that didn't mean anything.
But it really felt like it did.
“Anyways, are we taking this bath?” Anzu asked impatiently.
“Right, yeah.” Momo replied, hesitation creeping back into her tone.
“You know you don't have to, right?” Yuzu reminded her.
“I know. I want to.” Was all Momo could say.
“She wants to know what tattoo I’ve got.” Anzu teased, heading for the door.
She led them down, far below the surface level and out, down long corridors in much better condition than some of the ones in the bilges, towards the edge of the hull.
It was a small, strange, tucked-away place, not exactly hidden but hard to find by accident. A small, traditional changing room was all that stood between Momo and getting what she wanted.
She followed them nervously inside.
“Last chance to back out!” Anzu announced, having already unfastened her blouse by the time Momo closed the door behind them.
“I didn’t come all this way to leave now!” She insisted in return.
“Alright, alright!” Anzu laughed. “ We won't look, okay? Promise.”
“S'fine.” She replied weakly, turning away to undress. She had no problem getting changed with the other girls - so long as she could keep her underwear on - but… with these two, she was anxious both about being seen and about seeing them. Every piece of her uniform felt like it weighed a tonne - arduous to remove, but intensely relieving to rid herself of. She felt… normal, even though the circumstances were so strange.
As promised, the others were perfectly polite. They waited until she was done, then quietly led her to the onsen.
Outside, it was bitterly cold. The sea air, sharp with salt, whipped around them, tearing at the towels that protected their privacy. But the onsen, a perfect recreation of a real hot spring, was steaming oh-so invitingly.
Anzu hurried in eagerly, and Yuzu followed after. Both folded their towels on the ground as they slipped beneath the water. Both turned to look out to the gorgeous purple sunset, as Momo made her way to the water last. A silent gesture of support.
Closer to the floor, the wind died down almost completely, and the hot water and smooth stones soothed tensions out of her shoulders and back she had stopped even noticing, burdens a girl her age should never have to bear.
For the first time that year, Momo relaxed. And smiled.
Her two best friends in the world smiled back.
And there, with the steam fogging her half-glasses and the heat making her light-headed, the last vestiges of Momo’s self-isolation crumbled, and years of emotion burst out in ugly, heaving, embarrassing sobs and thick tears that rolled down her cheeks. Yuzu offered her shoulder and she took it, resting her cheek on her soft skin until she stopped wailing, and tears gave way to thankful laughter.
Momo wouldn't cry like that again until her 3rd year, when the school that had accepted her had been saved.