Chapter Text
The sky was a bright shade of blue, and everything around him was weirdly fuzzy. The kind that felt like he had just turned on his computer right as he woke up and got flashbanged at midnight, except that the aftereffects of it never went away.
Subaru was walking on the road. Just walking. Where to? He didn’t know yet. But his body felt like he knew where he was going, and for some reason, it felt right, so he didn’t question it.
It was morning, he was walking, and the cherry blossoms fell off their branches and annoyingly got in his hair. And for some reason, it just stuck to his hair and would not budge. Did he anger some lesser spirits today or something? Despite getting many lectures from Emilia–and he promises that he really did pay attention, even with Emilia-tan going full professor mode with cute glasses, chalkboard, and all with her very, very serious but passionate voice– perhaps he still lacked some tact due to the whole cultural gap. He should probably ask about it later, but right now, he at least wanted to look semi-presentable.
Behind him, he could hear a loud and boisterous laugh erupting. All Subaru could do was glare at his old man. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, old man. Next thing you know, you’ll be popping another rib again.”
All his dad could do was laugh. He had a cane in one hand and a bouquet of primroses and camellias in the other. He was thinner than when he last saw him. Bags under his eyes, and his cheeks were slightly sunken. What happened? “Old as I may be, you could never beat me anyway. You’ll have to wait until I’m on bed rest for that one,” he says before jabbing his cane onto Subaru’s side, almost dropping his own flowers.
“Oi! A bit unfair, don’t you think? You’re using a weapon! You have the advantage here!”
“Yeah, but you’re young. Don’t tell me you’ve been slacking already? You’re like what, 20? 25? You should be able to handle little ol’ me, especially after all the training you’ve done.”
“Okay, first of all, way off. You going senile already? I’m 32. I swear I woke up on the wrong side of bed one time and felt terrible for the rest of the day. And then like– seriously! They all looked at me like I was dying or something. I had to explain the whole ‘other world’ thing again, and that not everyone was built different like they were. Heck, Julius looked terrified and started treating me like I was fragile or something. He was probably so smug on the inside! I would punch his face, but it probably wouldn’t leave anything. And if it did, it would somehow make him look prettier or something. Damn ikemen… It would be fine if it were only Emilia-tan and Petra coddling me, that’s always welcome, actually– but anyway, I’m just saying that I’m 32 and I’m already feeling the amazing effects of old age,” he said sarcastically. He gave his dad a pointed look, "Actually, maybe you being buff and strong at like 40 was an anomaly, ever think of that old man?” Or maybe it was actually the wear and tear of everything his body has been through, from fighting mabeasts and maybe the miasma and even his torn gate, that made him even weaker, but he didn’t want to say that in front of his dad. Especially not after they haven’t seen each other in a long while…wait, what?
When Subaru looked at his dad, he had a soft smile and a wistful look in his eyes. For a moment, Subaru felt like he had made a mistake. He wanted to spout out apologies, tell him how sorry he was, and how he should have been there for them. How he should have taken care of them– be part of their lives. Be there for them in their old age rather than live the life he was living. But the words were stuck in the back of his throat, and they refused to spill out. And his dad gave him a close-eyed smile and a soft chuckle.
“Hm…Perhaps. But that’s my own special set of skills. Makes me unique. You’ve got your own specialized set, too. From what I’ve heard, you’ve been doing pretty well for yourself. You’re different from when I last saw you. A good kind of different. For a while, I was worried that you would be stuck in your room all day, missing out on all the fun high school stuff. Not that everything is about it, college would be there too if you wanted to go, but if you didn’t, I was probably going to bring you to work or something. Just a fun little father-son bring your kid to work day! Except you probably would’ve been a bit embarrassed or something like that.” His dad let out an amused huff at the thought.
“Ah, how time flies by. Because at first you were just a kid. You were so sad back then, asking me why I had to go to work and that I should just stay home, then next thing I know, you were a teenager being a recluse and just trying to figure himself out…” Dad let out a soft, nostalgic hum, “Then you’re gone, then suddenly you’re an adult. And not just an ‘old enough to drink’ adult. But an ‘old enough to have a wife and kids’ adult.”
And hearing that, Subaru couldn’t help but feel guilty. He didn’t know why he was feeling that way, but it persisted. It felt like it was quietly marinating in the pits of his stomach for many, many years, and one that he had often tried to ignore.
“But you know,” his dad continued, “I’m proud of you. That you pulled yourself out of the rut you were in. You’ve met some good people. You’re happy. I guess the only thing I wish is that I could’ve been there to thank them.”
Subaru inhaled a sharp breath. He could practically smell the egret orchids and hydrangeas in his hand. “I– you could meet–” He paused. What was he saying? That wasn’t possible. He knows that. He of all people should know that. If that could happen, he would’ve made it happen a long time ago. And so he says something else, something that doesn’t have to make him think about that one impossibility, and focuses on something else. “They’re the best people I could ever ask for. They put up with me through everything. Honestly, I’m quite lucky. I’d do whatever they asked for in a heartbeat, and I know that they would do the same. Especially Emilia-tan…”
“Emilia? Is that the girl you like?” his dad asked curiously. Subaru wasn’t looking at him, but from his tone, it was obvious the man was grinning ear to ear.
“‘Like’ is a bit of an understatement here. Married actually. She’s your daughter-in-law now, old man.”
“Ahh, so I guess she’s the reason why the look on your face was better today,” his dad hummed, “how about tell your mother all about her today,” he said before walking into the cemetery.
Subaru paused. He doesn’t know how they got here. He doesn’t know why he was there. He could hear his heart beating in his chest as his legs walked him to a grave. He didn’t want to be there, but his legs moved all on their own, familiarly, until he stood in front of a grave.
Looking at a grave was unfamiliar to him, so much so that it felt downright wrong. He’s flirted with death before– many times in fact, but seeing someone's death be in a state of permanence was sobering. Like someone had just thrown him in the waters of Priestella. Did he just let this happen? He can’t dream of a world where he would just let this happen.
His dad came back quietly with a wooden tub, and then they did what they always did. He gently and carefully wiped away all the dirt that was built up on the stone monument, and there it was. Natsuki Naoko. When did she die? When did it happen? How? It didn’t say and only had her name. What is happening right now? He wants to cry, but he doesn’t. His body goes rigid. So instead, he bites his lip and avoids looking at the name entirely.
When they finish cleaning, he puts his own flowers in front of the monument. He didn’t realize just how many hydrangeas he had gotten. So many hydrangeas. So many apologies that he wanted to spill, but it didn't come out.
His dad lights the incense, and they both pay their respects.
His dad kneels in front of the grave, and he smiles. “Hey, honey. Look, Subaru’s here with me today. It’s been a while since we’ve all been together, hasn’t it?”
Has it? Subaru was confused.
“I guess you were right. You always had a curious knack for proving me wrong, especially when it came to our pride and joy right over here. You always knew better than me, didn’t you?” his dad said fondly with a smile on his face. It was a look he would always give to his mom. And it was one that she would always return to whenever she could just feel it. They could be across the room facing opposite directions, but somehow they would always know when one was thinking of the other. And then, Subaru would look at his dad and stick his tongue out and call him gross, then they would wrestle like they always did, and behind them, his mom would giggle.
Subaru felt a tug on his shirt. “C’mon, Subaru, what about you? If you don’t say anything, she’ll probably rise from the dead and pester you about what’s been going on in your life. You know how much she likes her shows. She’s probably really curious right about now.”
Subaru let out a low chuckle. His mom always did like her soap operas. He had his anime and light novels, and she had her operas. At times they’d get into arguments–with him busting out all the analytical reasons on why they should watch his show with themes, direction, soundtrack and all, only for his mother to counter with a simple reason as to why they should be watching Dao Ming Si and Shan Cai’s romance for the fiftieth time— on what they should watch for an afternoon movie that they would spend more time on than actually watching. And if Dad was there, he would end up putting in his own movie in the midst of their argument, and they would have no choice but to watch whatever was on it.
Subaru knelt beside his dad and looked at the name once more. Natsuki Naoko.
“Hey there, Mom. It’s been a while,” years actually. Has it been years? He’s not quite sure. “But yeah. Here I am.” What does he say? His mind is blank as his eyes remain on the name. Natsuki Naoko.
His mom was now dead. Natuski Naoko.
His mom, whose face he would never see again. Natsuki Naoko.
His mom, whom he would never hear from again. Natsuki Naoko.
His mom, who liked weird western food. His mom who would trick him into believing that satellites were about to fall and crash into their backyard. His mom, who would bring him hot chocolate whenever he came out of his room at night, who would sit there quietly and patiently just hoping he would say anything, his mom, who told him to take care before he left–
Natsuski Naoko.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. It was his dad and only his dad who gave him a nod, and with an arm around him, rubbing a hand on his arm in a soothing manner.
Subaru inhaled and just scoured his brain for any words he could find.
“I– I’m married. Emilia. Her name is just Emilia. Or Emilia Natsuki now, really. We’ve been married for nine years, actually. You would have loved her. She’s sweet, kind, compassionate– I guess those two words mean the same thing. Emilia would probably say something like ‘benign’ or something. And there’s Rem, she’s nice too. Well, I mean– she’s warmed up to me now. It’s been hard for her to build her life once again and having to get to know everyone, but she’s strong, one of the strongest people I know. And she has Ram, who helps her out. She’s still the same old Ram, as smug as ever, but she’s been really helpful, actually, to everyone. She knows how to keep a level head. Oh! And Beako– Beatrice, actually, she would be annoyed if I didn’t introduce her name properly. She had these large drills, and she’s really cute. She’s really smart, too, and loves sweets– and also mayonnaise. You’d love her too. You would love all of them, actually. Same with Otto, who probably gets scammed more than you– And Garf! And then there’s–”
He’s rambling. He knows it, but the words won’t stop. He’s just saying things without pause, without even breathing, and he lets everything but what he really wants to say out. Desperately recounting all the events that have happened in the past many, many years, with each ridiculous and unnecessary detail, trying to think of anything else in his life before everything else starts spilling out.
“And I–”
He swallows.
“I–”
His vision blurs. And this time, not in a he opened his computer at midnight kind of way, but it’s hot and salty tears that his body has been refusing to let out, barricading it from his tear buds, but then the dam just breaks.
“I’m sorry I left. I never meant to leave you. I–I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you..I–I–”
The tears keep spilling out as his dad rests Subaru’s head on his shoulder with fingers gently stroking his hair just as his mom did, and then he feels like a helpless teen again, like how he couldn’t do anything when the name Rem was taken away from the world.
It’s like that for a while. Just Subaru’s choked-up sobs and his dad's warm embrace. And when Subaru’s vision clears, he sees the name once more. Natsuki Naoko is embedded in the stone, and he cries again. He doesn’t know how long. It feels like eternity.
Eventually, he calms down, and his tears run dry. The only reason is that his body got tired of crying.
His dad is still there, an arm wrapped around him. “You know, your mother, when you were gone…she was– well, she wasn’t doing well.”
Subaru didn’t know. He didn’t like spending his time thinking about it. He’d make up theories in his mind on how maybe gravity was different in Lugunica– the other world. Somewhere, somehow, maybe because of magic. Maybe it was time dilation, and time was different in Lugunica, and it was faster while in his small town in Chiba, only a few minutes had passed. That not enough time had passed for his parents to miss him.
His dad continued, “But you know, even when police kept coming back with nothing, when neighbors came by with their condolences, when everyone was saying that you might have been dead– Naoko– she was sad, and there were days that she wouldn’t get out of bed– but whenever people said they were sorry, she would always say that they didn’t need to be. Because she knew you were alive. That you were missing, that you couldn’t be found, but you were alive. ‘Mother's intuition,’ she would call it. That her son was alive and well, and anyone who said otherwise could leave.”
Subaru believed it. Despite his mom saying strange things at times and being one minute away from getting scammed by a conman on the streets, she always knew everything when it came to both of them. He and Dad. Especially him.
“And no matter how many years passed, she never gave up. At some point, I doubted her. I shouldn’t have. I regret it…but we were able to get past it. She believed, and so did I. W–when she was in bed– in the hospital…she told me that you were out there, somewhere. She told me to tell you…that she’s sorry she couldn’t make it long enough to see you again.”
“I–” He could feel tears welling up again, “She shouldn’t be. I– she didn’t do anything wrong…I’m the one who left. I’m the one who left you guys alone…I–...I couldn’t take care of her. Of both of you…and now…” And now it was too late to do anything. Because her time was up, and he couldn’t turn back time and bring her back.
“It’s okay. Your mother gets it. And I know I’m not as good as being observant as her, but I get it too. You don’t have to be sorry, and neither should she. If you’re really sorry…then just live your life to the fullest. Do that for us. For her.” And his dad has a crooked smile and his voice fluctuates, “In all honesty, I’m just– I’m glad that we were all able to be together again. Even if it’s like this… That’s all I’ve ever wanted all these years.”
And for the first time, his dad, that was smiling and laughing so early in the morning, his dad that would crack jokes until dawn, his dad that would do his best to cheer him up, who always tried to be the best, who always wanted to be the best example for his son, someone to look up to– is crying. Tears streaming down sunken cheeks and tired eyes, with no attempt to wipe them off. His dad, who never cried in front of him.
Subaru embraced him tightly. His dad's head on his shoulder, hands clenched around his shirt, as Subaru rubbed circles on his back, whispering any words that he could find.
He would tell his dad that yes, after all these years, he was here and was with them, and that they were together.
And a cold wind would brush at Subaru’s shoulder on this windless day.
They sit by his mother's grave for a long time, talking about anything and everything that they could find. But after a while– he had no idea how long ‘a while’ was– Subaru and his dad just sat idly on a bench by the playground with a mug of hot chocolate with little marshmallows in their hands.
It was nice and warm, just how Mom made it. It was nice.
“Hm.” his dad hummed, “I remember how you would insist that you swing standing up when you were little. You just ended up slipping and falling off the swing.”
“And now I’m wondering why you didn’t stop me from doing it.”
“You were really insistent. I tried convincing you, but eventually I just let experience be your teacher.”
“Ah.”
“I ended up carrying you back home since your knee was painful. I was just thinking how I’m not able to carry you anymore, sadly. I don’t think my bones could handle it,” his dad chuckled, smiling at the memory.
“Well, plus that and the fact that I’m already in my 30’s. I’m not a small, cute kid anymore, pops. I’m a full-fledged adult now. Or– I guess still trying to be. I’m not all that convinced at times.”
“Yeah…you’re an adult now. You can take care of yourself. And others too, probably.”
Then, it’s quiet again. But only for a little while before his dad speaks up.
“Subaru…the people you’re with, they’re taking care of you?”
Subaru nods, “They do. It’s more like they coddle me, actually. Every time I mention anything about being sore, they crowd toward me and start acting like I might pass out. Like sure, I expect it from Emilia, Beako, sometimes Rem, and even Reinhardt– but even Ram acts concerned. It’s weird–” Subaru realizes that he might be rambling again, “but yeah. They take care of me.”
“From the sound of it, they seem like a fun bunch.”
And Subaru lets out a snort, “They are.” And his dad smiles at him, and he smiles back.
His dad stands up and stretches with his cane in hand.
“Well, I’m going to go for my usual morning run now. You know how it is.”
Subaru looks at him, and the world feels still. He grabs onto the hem of his dad's cardigan, and he feels like a kid again. “You sure about that, pops? Don’t you want to sit down for a little while longer? Sit still for a little bit more.”
“Me? Sitting still?” He says so, amused. He’s already warming up, jogging in place. “I don’t think I could even if I tried. I guess you get that from me.”
And he’s right. His parents are right on most days, Subaru realizes. Because if Subaru were the type of person to sit still, he would still be cooped up in his room. If he were the type to sit still, he wouldn’t have gone to his local Ministop that day. He would have left Emilia on her own once he realized he didn’t owe her anything anymore, run away from the manor, taken Echidna’s hand, given up on Rem, and so much more.
“I hate how right you are sometimes…” He says, trying to sound tongue-in-cheek, but he can’t, and his voice fluctuates ever so slightly. But he lets go.
When he looks up, his dad looks down at him, smiling dolefully. He ruffles his hair, and Subaru can’t find it within himself to feel annoyed.
“Take care of yourself, alright, Subaru?”
Subaru nods.
He watches from the bench as his father jogs away, still as quick as he last remembered.
He sees the figure stop, already at a distance, and his dad points at him dramatically with his signature grin just as he does and yells, “I'd better not see you for a long while!”
Subaru feels a chuckle bubbling up within him. He finds it kind of facetious to have his dad do his own pose, so he returns it with his dad's signature thumbs up. “Wouldn’t dream of it!”
And so watches as his dad's figure disappears into the sea of fuzzy white.
His house was a few steps away, surprisingly. When he looked at it from the outside, it was almost the same as ever. The same roof, same nameplate beside the door, and the same sound of the doorbell when he pressed it. The only difference was that there were fewer plants by the door.
When he entered, the familiar creak of the door and wooden floor was the only sound that was heard. The house was empty, but clean. He expected a subtle waft of dust, but instead it smelled like sun. With the blinds wide open, letting light gently illuminate both the living room and kitchen.
The sink and kitchen countertop were spotless, but in a way that it was maintained because it hadn’t been used in a while, or used very little. The same pictures and notes were still stuck to the fridge, and when he opened it, it had the same things inside.
He was starting to wonder if he was in a sort of trial again. A recreation of his memories, but it didn’t feel like that– at least, he doesn’t think so.
His thoughts were simple, and his memories came only when he needed to, weirdly enough. But it wasn’t anything that brought discomfort. It was actually quite calm. He was even surprised at himself for feeling such, but he didn’t question it and moved forward.
Subaru walked down the narrow hall to his room. It was nice seeing picture frames he thought he’d never see again. A picture of his parents' wedding, a photo of holding his first ever trophy, their family in Nara Park with a particular deer that had stolen his hat, his seventh birthday, a family outing after his dad's promotion, his mom falling asleep on the beach, and many, many more. He found himself smiling and giggling along the way as he walked down memory lane.
When he made it to his room, it wasn’t dark and gloomy as he had last left it, but it was bright. The curtains were drawn, and just like the living room, it was bright. Most things were exactly as he left it. A blanket filled with creases covered his bed, his futon was on the ground, and his trash can still had a crumpled bag of chips, cup noodles, and paper.
He smiled. He thought he’d feel more suffocated being back in this room, but he felt a sense of fondness. He read the titles of the light novels on his shelf, the posters of anime that hung on his wall, and the stacks of binders at the bottom shelf that had old certificates, test papers, and projects that he was particularly proud of when he was younger. Besides those were boxes filled with his old yearbooks from his time back in school.
He opened his closet, which was filled with old clothes that he had long outgrown. Old school uniforms from middle school and high school, costumes he used in a Halloween event in Shibuya, and casual clothing he barely got to use due to his previous status as a shut-in. He wasn’t all that proud of it, but he’s learned to accept to not be bitter toward his adolescent self. He’s different now, different from then, but both were and still are Subaru.
And so, he takes it all in with a wave of nostalgia. As the sun turns warm and vibrant, the gentle golden rays enveloping his room make the specs of dust scattered in the air seem magical.
When he blinks, it’s suddenly brighter than it was. The sun is in his eyes, and when he turns around, sinking deeper in his bed, he’s welcomed to a peacefully sleeping Emilia with light blanketed around her.
It’s a quiet morning, not unusual for him. He’s usually the first one awake on most days, but he doesn't get out of bed until everyone else is awake. He likes being around everyone at early hours of the day, forcing everyone into radio calisthenics, and eating breakfast with everybody together. He was rarely ever by himself these days. So when he goes into the kitchen and makes himself some coffee (coff, he corrects in his head) and takes a stroll outside the manor, it’s unusual for him.
It’s a dream, Subaru thinks to himself, but a heavy feeling in his chest persists. Dream or not, it doesn’t change the fact that he would have to confront the possibility that his parents were gone. For him, it had been fifteen years since he last saw them. He doesn’t know if time moved any differently back in his world. Or maybe he was dead back in his world. He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get the answers.
So he just thinks back to the dream which the memories of which were now faded, his consciousness holding on to its most memorable parts. Weeping, there was a lot of that. And he remembers his mom's grave, his dad, and him, all together.
“Subaru!” He hears soft silver bells chime. Subaru turns to see Emilia, still in her nightgown, her hair messily tied up, and a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She looked adorable even when she clearly just got out of bed. He can’t help himself when his heart still does little flips despite years of marriage, when she was just as captivating as the day she first met her.
“Good morning to you, Emilia-tan,” He bows to her, as both her knight and husband.
“Good morning as well, but what are you doing out so early? Especially in this cold,” She asks, concerned, wrapping her own blanket around him.
“My dearest Emilia, light of my life, my morning star, as much as I love seeing your adorable worried expression, I’m not that fragile, y’know? A bit of cold won’t take me out,” he couldn’t help but coax. No matter how much he tried to explain how people were back in his world, that only seemed to worry them more.
He got a small giggle from her as she locked their arms together, “I know, but it’s selcouth to see you out so early.”
Subaru hums, “No one says ‘selcouth’ anymore, Emilia-tan,” he parrots like all the times he had before. “I know,” Emilia recites. It’s a thing they do.
But Emilia, ever so inquisitive, looks him in the eyes. And he knows that she knows that he can’t hide his thoughts from her, whatever they may be. So he inhales, taking in the chilly morning air, and he shivers slightly. Whether it’s due to the cold or due to the memories of his dream, he’s not sure.
“I dreamt about them…my parents.”
Subaru talks, and Emilia listens. He tells her stories about them that he hasn’t told before. He talks about the dream he had. He talks about his fears of the possibilities of what might have happened to them and living with the fact that he might never know.
The world would probably never let him see them again, and Subaru hoped that whatever higher being that lived in his world, be it gods, witches, or dragons– he just hoped that they were safe and smiling.