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Akko's thumb ran over the smooth strip of tape; the last one she placed on the carefully wrapped box before she was done securing it whole. The little box was lightweight in the palm of her hand, yet held the contents of an ample love for Diana that she unleashed from her heart.
Wrapped in a white and blue floral print, Akko was sure she was bound to impress Diana with this gift. She put so much thought into every aspect, because it was their one and a half year anniversary of being together.
With every passing six months, Akko made sure to highlight each anniversary with a gift for her girlfriend who was more special than any present she could give, but she still needed to spoil her and make her adoration clearly known. Usually it would be cards or handmade gifts, but in the meanwhile, she worked hard to put away savings to finally afford a really nice necklace.
Since having purchased it a few days ago, she kept imagining the special moment between them. The way her face would light up, Akko would brush her hair aside, and help gently place the dainty chain around her neck. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach at only the thought, but she knew the moment in real life would be so much better.
She just couldn't wait, hoping Diana would give her that radiant smile that made her heart melt every single time it shone. It would be so worth it. Diana had been distant lately, but this would bring them together, no doubt.
The fact of silver being Diana's preference in jewelry was something Akko knew since the beginning of their relationship. Another was her taste for elegance, and her favorite color being baby blue—which gave her solace in tough moments. So when Akko found that wrapping paper with tiny blue flower petals, she knew they would complement the tiny blue pendant inside, and the color of her eyes—which Akko found her own solace in. This would be perfect to show her appreciation for the hours that Akko had spent lost in her eyes.
She could already imagine the sterling silver draped over Diana's delicate collarbones, shimmering in the light. Akko was lucky, too lucky, to have her. One thing she'd never neglect was showing her appreciation for Diana choosing to be with her every single day, during times that felt like floating, and times that felt like dragging through the mud. It was perfect all the while.
And Diana didn't neglect in showing it either, as her inked words on crisp cards for each anniversary were what Akko chose to keep reading over and over. She practically memorized the sweet messages in each of them. Late at night, in her bed, her eyes would trace over each swish, imagining the sound of Diana's voice narrating those beautiful words on the cards.
After writing 'To Diana <3' in marker with the neatest handwriting she could muster, she carefully placed the gift in her skirt pocket for later. Then she swiftly left her dorm, to go meet with Lotte and Sucy in the cafeteria to eat something, as well as gather her nerves before meeting with Diana.
Though she had eaten, and tried her best to take deep breaths, her hands were still shaking, with one braced to knock on her door.
She knocked, then heard a muffled, "Come in, Akko!"
Akko had already learned that Diana knew her roommates, Hannah and Barbara, would come and go as they pleased. So then she would assume it was her girlfriend whenever the door was knocked, especially boldly, as other's knocks seemed less enthusiastic at her door. What was different though, was that Akko usually told Diana ahead of time when she would come to her dorm, but this time she wanted it to be a bit of a surprise.
She found Diana lounging back on her bed, a book propped on her stomach and thighs, with her wavy hair slightly tousled from being pressed against her headboard. Since her knees were up, her skirt rode up slightly, ruffled. Diana was so beautiful, especially when she let herself be carefree and unstressed. Evening light outside didn't provide much, but the sparse, cool lamps did, illuminating Diana like a spotlight zoomed in on her effortless glamor. Akko was very aware of the way her heart raced harder now.
"Akko." She acknowledged, sitting up straight at once and dusting off her skirt. Something in her tone didn't feel right, and she didn't smile at the sight of her, rather looked a little unprepared and caught off guard. It felt off, but Akko chalked it up to her own nerves.
"Uh, hi… how are you?" Akko asked, putting in her best effort to not fidget. So she just stood casually, yet she was stiff anyway.
"I'm fine." She shut the book she was reading and placed it on her nightstand. "Why don't you come sit?"
Akko was so nervous, that she forgot that she was allowed to be comfortable in Diana's room. If she would be staying a while, what was the use of standing awkwardly at the door? She normally would've sat beside Diana on her bed, but she pulled out the chair at her desk and sat there instead, finding her stiff back press into the backrest uncomfortably.
Her heart would feel a little safer that way, and the maybe the slight distance maybe would help mitigate the awful queasy feeling forming in her stomach. It felt so weird, as she should've felt confident now, but she instead wanted to turn into a mouse and skitter away, to come back another time. It was probably due to all the pressure she had put into this moment, like the expectations were overly demanding in her head.
"Diana, um—"
"Actually, may I speak first? Sorry Akko, this is important." Diana blurted, then took in a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling. It seemed like she was nervous too, which Akko didn't know whether to be more or less worried about.
She bit her lip, responding with a nod.
"Akko, I…" She looked down at her lap, leaving an uncomfortable silence in the room for a moment. Rain outside pattered on the dorm's large window, and the dim lighting started to fail at feeling cozy instead of cold. She wanted to get on with it already and not be kept from Diana's thoughts. She hated the idea of Diana keeping secrets from her.
"Diana, just say it." Akko mumbled. As she immediately regret what she said, Diana already heard her, and looked at her, brows furrowed, like she couldn't believe Akko had said that. The feeling that started out as harmless butterflies in her stomach morphed into a gnawing deep inside.
Something bad was coming. It was as if the light rain outside would conjure up a terrible storm.
Diana awkwardly shifted in her seat, continuing to stall the next of her words. "Akko, I've always enjoyed our time together. I hope you know that."
Akko sat still, repeatedly biting at her tongue and the inside of her cheek.
Get over it already.
Her thumb rubbed over the smooth wrapping paper of the little present box in her pocket.
"I believe this decision I've come to will be for the best..."
Akko's heart dropped into her stomach and she thought she was going to hurl. But her eyes kept fixed on a divot in the wooden floor, though they started to sting.
Don't cry.
Maybe it wasn't what she thought it was.
"Akko, I love you, but I know we are going to go our separate ways soon."
Well that last spark of hope went out the window. Her ears rang and she could barely hear anything over the sound of her shallow breaths. Without thinking, she stood.
"Please wait."
Akko's heart panged, but she still took a seat back on Diana's chair, her mind running at a million miles an hour, but she still tried to find Diana's drifting voice through the hurricane.
"Just, just let me explain first. Please."
She nodded weakly, sparing only a quick glance at Diana's hurt gaze.
"We'll be graduating in two weeks. After that, I'll be moving across the world to continue pursuing higher education. And, I'm not sure what you'll be doing, or where you're going, but I know it won't be anywhere near where I'll reside."
Akko knew that she didn't mean it in a hurtful way, as her voice spoke even softer than usual, but it felt like a jab right in her chest. Sharp. Painful.
"You don't even want to try," Akko muttered.
Diana's breath left in a sharp, loud sigh. "You know that's not what I meant. Long distance relationships don't last. They fall apart—we will grow apart. It's natural. We… we will meet new people."
Akko wasn't fazed. "Why are you doing this on our anniversary?"
"One and a half years…" Diana recalled, beginning to fidget with her hands uneasily. "That'll be tomorrow."
Akko knew that, but it was practically today anyway, since it would be in a few hours.
"Why don't you want to try? You can't give up so fast!"
Diana went completely still and quiet, as if she were pretending to be a porcelain doll. She already had the looks for it, especially the sadness laced in her expression, and now she was frozen there.
Akko thought about the weight in her pocket, her earlier excitement becoming a squeezing ache in her chest. The moment was supposed to be perfect, and this gift was meant for Diana and Diana only. She would never give a precious necklace like this to anyone else, or wear it herself—no point to when it was handpicked for her cherished girlfriend.
She had thought it would be as a good a time as any to give it to her, but maybe it wasn't a good idea anymore.
Swallowing a lump in her throat, she crushed down her trifling feelings and they didn't exist anymore. Only Diana did, and she still wanted to see that elegant chain gracing Diana's neck, and not be kept buried in her pocket forever.
"C-Can I at least give you a gift first?" Her voice came out a lot smaller than intended, and she could feel the weight of the gift box in her pocket—she didn't take it out yet.
"Akko, I can't accept it. Please don't give me a gift, not now." Diana's voice cracked, and she hadn't been able to look at her for a while now.
But she wasn't completely sure why she wouldn't accept it. A gift was a gift. So she pressed on. "Then when?"
"I won't take a gift from you." She shook her head. "I don't have one for you, either. Please just keep it."
Akko bit her tongue hard enough to bleed this time, a harsh sting spreading in her mouth. But she didn't show it on her face. Though her eyes were prickling with tears, she put all her effort into keeping her face steeled. "Are you… are you really sure about this?"
Diana cleared her throat, but her voice still came out a little broken. "Yes, I've been thinking a-about this for a while."
Akko let the silence hang in the air between them like they would breathe it in and it would eventually poison them both. She still wasn't fully processing the words that traveled into her mind; Diana's pretty voice sending messages that were hurting her. She started to feel suffocated, her hands trembled in her lap. When she finally met Diana's eyes, there was barely a trace of solace left, but instead something that made her want to spiral into a desolate place.
"Diana…" She uttered, like it was the last time saying her name would earn a response. No, it really was the last time, because after this, there would be no answer. But for now, Diana looked back at her, eyes gleaming.
"…Can I hug you?"
"I- I don't know about that."
For only a second, Akko contemplated pleading, but it would be no use. She doubted that she'd be able to speak sanely any longer without getting hysterical. So she got up again, readying herself to actually leave now. To never see this room again. A glimpse of her bed when she looked back again made her remember the feeling of Diana's—and specifically Diana's—soft blanket against her skin as they would read together on her bed. She would miss that feeling the most, as it was like the best comfort on her worst days, and now it would be gone.
Braving a storm alone.
That's what it felt like, making steps across Diana's half of the shared dorm, rapidly approaching the door to leave. Every step was another moment forgotten. Still, she didn't really want to leave, and her thoughts ran like a destructive whirlwind in her mind.
Then she felt a grip on her wrist, stopping her.
Diana looked at her, and gave a small nod. When Akko's arms wrapped around her, she expected to feel waves of loving warmth wash over her. Instead, it felt cold, and like Diana's attempt was half-hearted and not with the entire passion that she had when showing her affection, like every other hug she gave Akko before then.
So instead she breathed in her floral scent for one last time, focusing on trying to imprint it in her mind, to never forget.
The actual hug itself was brief and barely brushed either of their hearts instead of enveloping them whole like it usually had. Like acquaintances who never really got along but were forced to be polite.
It hurt because they were way more than acquaintances, and way more than awkward friends. But now they practically were less than any of that.
Diana spared her one last aching glance before Akko shut the door behind herself, letting it settle in her heart that she would never see her again. Or at least, not in a way that would color her whole world bright again.
Akko's heart wanted to implode on itself, or maybe shatter into a thousand broken pieces. Instead, she was left fixating on the dull aching in her chest as she fell limply into her own bed.
Finally, sobs wracked her body, completely taking over her as they were muffled into the pillow, soaking through. With the feeling of her face mashed against the soft fabric of the pillow, she thought of another time she cried, but it was Diana's clothes which absorbed the impact of her feelings.
And it just hurt more.
Fuck, she was making it worse for herself.
Time passed and she let her bed carry the weight of her ache, staining it with more dispirited tears. When she turned on her side, the stupid gift box, still in her pocket, dug into her hip.
She slipped it out, squeezing the little box in fist, and then she let go, as if it suddenly registered in her mind as something fragile and sacred. Through blurry eyes, she peered at her handwriting on the front. Then at the little heart she drew which still came out a little uneven despite the effort she made. Then the sides where the wrapping was a little crumpled because she didn't know how to fold it perfectly, but she tried her best.
She truly did.
Someone opened the door, and she dove under her blanket, completely plunging herself in darkness.
"Akko? How did it go?" Lotte's kind voice traveled closer, and she heard her footsteps settle and a chair creak under someone's weight.
She breathed out shakily, wondering if she should even tell her.
Moving the blanket just enough to get her face out, she looked up at Lotte with a pout, and she was met with a shocked expression—probably from her reddened eyes and puffy face.
"I- Diana… she—she b-broke up with me."
Lotte sat quiet for a moment, processing what she was told.
"That, that's terrible, Akko. I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?"
"I- I don't know. It's like I'm f-feeling every bad feeling there is. It really, really hurts." She swallowed another sob down her throat before it could escape.
"Oh Akko… do you want me to stay or give you some space?"
Akko didn't like the way her gloominess was so evident in her face, but Lotte was safe. Safe like the warmth of a childhood teddy bear. Even it was a little embarrassing, just having her there would help bring her some ounce of comfort. Even if they say nothing at all.
"Um, you can stay…" She shuffled a bit over in her bed, so there was enough space for Lotte to sit on the edge.
She felt the matteress sink in a bit on the edge, and Lotte carefully brushed away a strand of hair that clung to her flushed face. Akko closed her eyes, floating through her thoughts, and Lotte just sat there, offering consolation with her presence.
The door clicked open, then shut again, and another person's shoes tapped along the wooden floor. Their footsteps paused in front of the shared bunk beds for a moment.
"Diana broke up with her." She heard Lotte whisper.
"Oh." Sucy's bed creaked just slightly when she sat. "Is she okay?"
"She's getting through it." Lotte gave a gentle rub to Akko's shoulder over the blanket, probably assuming she was falling asleep.
Lotte and Sucy continued a quiet conversation, fading into hushed murmurs, distant compared to the sound of Akko's rhythmic heartbeat inside her. She felt the way her weary chest rose and fell with her now steadier breaths. She needed to collect herself. To regain her clear track of thinking.
Then her mind sprung back to Diana's words.
Diana said she wouldn't take a gift from her. Not then, not ever. It didn't make sense, because Diana always humbly accepted gifts, with only a polite decline before giving in to recieve them. Especially when it was from Akko, she would delightfully take gifts to her heart; it was one of her favorite ways of being loved. Akko knew that.
Then Akko thought of the way Diana looked when she repeatedly declined her offer. Her shining eyes looked real hurt, like she wanted to accept Akko's affection but forced herself to hold back. Like a diet, starving herself of love so it wouldn't hurt her anymore.
Then it started to click. Diana must've wanted to, but it would've hurt too much. If she knew this would be her last gift from her girlfriend which she dearly loved, then she'd rather not feel that love at all. Maybe Diana was trying to forget her, and she got a head start on that by fading away. But Akko never forgot her, so would she? Maybe it was worth nothing now, but that gift still sparked something within her.
She sat up, and her friends promptly turned to look at her.
She cleared her throat, looking down at the little box she still held. "I… I think that Diana didn't mean to hurt me by not taking my gift."
"You think so?" Lotte asked softly.
"Mhm." She nodded, mustering a small smile on her face. "She didn't want it to hurt her. At least, that's what I think, because I don't know for sure, but I do know her."
"You two were really close," Sucy remarked, fiddling with a small mushroom between her fingers.
"I—yeah. I didn't want it to end this way, if I'm being honest." Her heart twinged when she heard that door shut all over again. Feeling that bitter hug again which only left her chilled to the bone, shivering.
"Now I don't know what to do with this necklace I bought her…"
She gave the gift one final squeeze. Reaching under her lower bunk, she released the little box from her hand, sliding it away, just out of sight. Maybe someday she'd run into Diana again, and be able to pass it on, but for now, she was going to have to let it all fade away.
Even when her feelings constricted tight in her heart, bruising her, and demanding her attention as if she'd never be able to let go.