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Regulus sat curled up against James’ side on the floor in the Room of Requirement. A fire crackled cheerily before them, and a plump couch served as their backrest. It was a quiet winter evening, and the warmth was comforting— as was James’ presence.
They probably should have been doing homework. Regulus knew James had a transfiguration essay due in two days, but he hadn’t put up a fight when James had asked to meet. Currently, he was reading aloud the muggle book Sirius had given him for Christmas. James had taken to running his fingers up and down Regulus’ leg in a way that was wildly distracting. When he stuttered for the third time within a page, he gave up and closed the book with a huff.
“Why’d you stop?” James asked teasingly.
“As if you don’t know,” Regulus grumbled, but with no real heat behind it. James just chuckled and leaned down to kiss the tops of his cheeks where a bright blush had settled. Regulus leaned into the touch for a moment before settling again and leaning his head back on James’ shoulder, eyes closed.
There was a minute of silence, and Regulus could feel James' gaze on his face. Then, James’ voice came from behind him, soft but without hesitation, “Hey, Regulus? I love you.”
Regulus’ brain short-circuited. James loved him. And he’d said it just like that. So casually, with no big declarations or special occasion. Well, not casually— it had weight. Regulus could tell he meant it. He simply said it like his love was a fact. Like loving Regulus was the most natural thing in the world. Like love was something that stood on its own, and any extra wrappings seemed cheap in comparison.
He didn’t think anyone had ever loved him that way before.
“Regulus?” James asked tentatively from behind him.
Regulus moved suddenly, flipping around and burying his head in James’ neck. “Thank you,” he whispered thickly.
If James noticed the tears soaking his collar, he didn’t say anything, just hugged Regulus tightly and pressed a soft kiss to his temple. They stayed that way for a while, until James reluctantly reminded Regulus he had prefect duties. Regulus disentangled his limbs and stood above James for a moment, looking deep in thought.
Finally, he reached down a hand to pull James to his feet, and when they were both upright, looked him in the eyes. “I— I think I love you, too, James.”
James’ breath punched out of him all at once, and he stared at Regulus with such shock and delight that Regulus couldn’t help but laugh a little. As if he’s so hard to love, he thought. James’ face split into a smile then. A smile so bright it hurt to look at. He picked Regulus up and spun them around, all the while peppering kisses over his mouth and cheeks. They were both laughing by the time they’d slowed to a stop, so the next kiss was more of a press of teeth and smiles as they tried not to fall over from dizziness than a proper snog. Regulus thought it was perfect.
“Regulus Black loves me!” James shouted to the empty room, exuberance pouring off him in waves.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot,” he said, smiling.
“Your idiot!” James declared happily. “You’re not getting rid of me, now!” He leaned down and captured Regulus’ lips in another kiss, deeper this time.
“I really do have to go,” Regulus said regretfully, a few minutes later.
“Alright, alright,” James grumbled, stealing one more kiss before shoving him gently toward the door. He pulled on his invisibility cloak, and they both slipped outside.
“Goodnight, love! Have good rounds!” came James’ disembodied voice as he walked away, still filled with giddy enthusiasm.
Regulus blushed at the pet name and, when he was sure James was gone, reached up to touch his kiss-swollen lips. He found that he was smiling.
***
Sirius found him the next day in the library.
“I brought you another book,” he said, holding it out awkwardly, obviously hoping to talk and wanting an invitation to sit.
Regulus rolled his eyes and wordlessly patted the seat next to him; Sirius plopped down gratefully. Their interactions were still awkward and stilted sometimes, neither one sure how to approach the other, but they were getting better.
Sirius cleared his throat. “So, James told me about yesterday.”
“Of course he did,” Regulus replied. It wasn’t really a surprise. Sirius was one of the only people in the whole castle who knew about their relationship, and James told him everything.
“I’m proud of you, Reggie.”
Regulus looked up in surprise. “This isn’t a ‘don’t hurt my best friend’ lecture?”
“No.” Sirius grinned, “But would it really be so bad if it were? I gave James the ‘don’t hurt my little brother’ speech after your first date.” Regulus cracked a smile at that.
“He really does love you, you know.”
Regulus dipped his head. “I know.” A breath. “I really love him, too.”
Sirius looked at him intently before smiling slightly and nodding once. He believed him.
***
Regulus sat back heavily in his chair, his breath leaving him in a rush. Horcruxes, he thought hopelessly, He’s using horcruxes. There was no other explanation that made sense. That was why the Dark Lord was so sure of his victory, of his immortality.
Regulus let his head fall back against the stone wall behind him. He felt a little sick. Maybe Regulus should feel a sense of accomplishment at having figured it out. He’d been collecting information and researching possibilities for months now, after all. But in reality, all he felt was sadness. He was Really. Fucking. Sad.
Because there was only one way to get close enough to Voldemort to have even a sliver of a chance of finding where the horcrux was hidden. He had to take the mark. Fuck.
He’d promised Sirius he wouldn’t do it. That if they tried to make him, he’d leave. He doesn’t think his brother will forgive him for this. And James. James won’t understand either.
And Regulus can’t tell either of them the truth. It’s too risky. They would never let him do something so dangerous. At best, they’d tie him up or something to keep him in sight, saying they’d find a better way. At worst, Sirius would try to join in his place, and Voldemort would never buy that.
No, it would be better if no one knew the truth; no loose ends that way. He knew what he had to do.
He couldn’t tell them the truth. And he couldn’t be seen with blood traitors if he wanted to gain the Dark Lord’s trust. There seemed to Regulus to be only one course of action.
That evening, Regulus slipped a note to James.
Meet me in the Room tonight. 9 o’clock.
-RAB
***
James was sitting in an armchair with his back to the door when Regulus slipped inside the Room of Requirement. A fire roared in the hearth before him, and the whole place looked suspiciously like the Gryffindor common room, as it did whenever James was the first one inside. The door slid shut with a click, and James turned, a smile already on his face.
“Regulus! Hello!” he cried out happily, vaulting over the back of the chair as if going around it was a solution that would keep them apart for an extra couple of unforgivable seconds. It was both attractively athletic and endearing in that excitable way James always seemed to exude. Regulus almost smiled.
James reached him and immediately threaded his fingers behind Regulus’ neck, placed a quick kiss on the top of each cheek, before dipping to his mouth. This was not an unusual greeting for them, but Regulus couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate this time. This was painful enough already.
James, of course, noticed at once and pulled back, his hands sliding to rest on Regulus’ shoulders. “Hey, love,” he said, brow furrowing. “What’s wrong?”
Regulus let out a shaky breath before forcing himself to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. Just get it over with, he told himself and opened his mouth.
“Jamie, I– .” he winced. Now is not the time for pet names! he berated himself, opening his mouth to speak again.
Nothing came out but another wavering breath. James noticed the panic on Regulus’ face and squeezed his shoulders comfortingly.
“Alright, you’re okay, Reg. Take your time. You know you can tell me anything.” James spoke kindly, but without a hint of condescension. Regulus couldn’t stand it.
“Stop being so nice; you’re making this worse,” Regulus muttered under his breath. James still heard, of course— they were standing mere inches apart.
“Sorry?” He was thoroughly confused now. “What do you need me to do, love? Talk to me.”
It needs to be done. Regulus thought, so he steeled himself. Pushed it out in a rush, blunt by necessity.
“I’m breaking up with you.”
It was so obviously not what James was expecting that it took a moment to register. When it did, he staggered back like Regulus had slapped him, his face crumpling so fast and so completely that Regulus had a hard time believing that he’d been smiling kindly just moments before. He took a step forward instinctively. It felt for a moment like he was stepping on the broken pieces of the mask of confidence James always wore.
James staggered back farther, desperate to stay out of reach. He stumbled into the back of the armchair and slid down it. Tears slipped past thick lashes, and for the first time that Regulus had ever seen, James fucking broke. His shoulders folded in and shook with gutwrenching sobs. His breath came in short gasps; what air he did have was used up in keening whimpers. It wasn’t pretty. It was wet and loud and painful.
Regulus’ heart ached to see him like this, but James would thank him eventually. And he had Sirius, they’d help each other through what came next.
I’m so sorry, Jamie. Regulus thought. It’s for the best. He took a step back and started to turn.
James jerked like a puppet on a string connected to Regulus. Where he’d been trying to escape moments before, he now fell forward onto his knees, arms reaching out like he could stop Regulus from leaving. He looked so broken that Regulus couldn’t bring himself to turn away.
A whine slipped from James’ lips, then a croaked, “Regulus… Regulus! Don’t leave— don’t leave me.” He fell forward onto his arms, his forehead pressed harshly against the flooring. A sob wracked his body so violently it hurt to watch.
“We were supposed to stay together. Why are you leaving? I love you! Don’t go. Please, wha— what did I do? I’ll fix it, I promise.” He looked up again, expression raw, voice rising. “I can change, please. Whatever you need… anything you want. I need you, Regulus! I need you more than I need myself. I’ll be anything for you!”
His voice was so anguished, Regulus felt tears well up in his own eyes. James clutched his chest like he was physically wounded— Like Regulus had cut him open, and he was trying to stop the bleeding. His face was so wrecked, Regulus almost went to him. Almost.
But, no. As much as he hated this, it was a necessary evil. “You’ll be alright, James,” he breathed out.
Regulus turned away.
Behind him, James wailed. As he reached the door, James’ voice came one last time, barely more than a whisper.
“You have my heart, Reggie. You are my heart. I can’t live without it. I can’t– I won’t be okay. This is going to bleed for the rest of time. I need you… please.”
Regulus swallowed thickly, but didn’t answer. With his back to the boy on the floor, he finally let his own tears fall. Gave himself one more moment to exist in that room so full of love and pain.
Then he opened the door and slipped through, as quietly as he’d come, and without a backward glance.
***
In the end, it was easy. He didn’t see James once for weeks after the breakup. Sirius had tried to talk to him a few times. That stopped after he took the dark mark. Neither of them even looked at him for the rest of the school year. It hurt.
But it worked.
Voldemort had no reason to doubt his allegiance. When he asked for the use of a house elf earlier today at a meeting, Regulus had volunteered Kreature. He wished it wasn’t necessary, but he seemed to leave a trail of hurt souls and bleeding hearts behind him on this path. What’s one more?
So many more will be hurt if I don’t do this, Regulus told himself. It was true, but it didn’t ease the pain that had been building in his chest over the past months.
A loud crack pulled Regulus from his thoughts, and Kreature appeared at the foot of his bed, shaking, rasping, and coughing. Regulus summoned water quickly and waited quietly while Kreature gulped deeply.
When he’d recovered enough to talk, he told Regulus exactly the information he so desperately needed. Kreature told him of a cave and a lake. Of the poison he’d been forced to drink. Of a locket.
By the end, Regulus was brimming with guilt and anger. He held tight to the anger and, shoving down the guilt, turned to Kreature to say simply, “Take me there.”
***
Regulus rowed wordlessly toward the island across the lake, Kreature looking nervously around from his position huddled in the bow. The only sounds were those of the paddles stirring up the still water and the occasional drip from stalactites on the cave ceiling. Soon, the sound of the boat scraping over rock as they docked interrupted the silence, and both disembarked carefully.
A stone basin stood in the center of the small island, inside which Regulus knew lay the locket containing a piece of his enemy’s soul. The time had come. He produced a small goblet and strode purposefully toward the basin.
It was time to finish what he’d started, time to make all the pain worth it.
Regulus raised the poison with a shaky hand. Doing his best to ignore the cold fingers of fear around his neck, he tipped the liquid between trembling lips. It burned all the way down, and the instant it hit his stomach, Regulus bent over, holding his abdomen. Cramps shook his frame, but still he reached forward again. Drew more of the deadly liquid to his mouth. His body shuddered involuntarily, and he was distantly aware of Kreature saying his name as tears streamed down his face. Still he drank.
The more he consumed, the drier his mouth seemed to get. As he neared the bottom, his tongue felt thick, and it seemed to Regulus like he could feel his lips cracking and shriveling more by the second. His head pounded, and painful cramps continued to move through his body. One particular violent wave of agony washed over him, and he lost his grip on the edge of the basin. He curled in on himself, head pressed against the ground. As he tried to push past the haze of pain clouding his mind, an image flashed through his head of James in the same position. Right before Regulus had walked out on him for good.
I will not stop here. Regulus thought fiercely to himself. I have known pain all my life, and I will not be defeated by it now. Not when it finally means something. He pushed up onto all fours and managed to grunt out a command to Kreature.
“Kreature. Help me drink!” The words were raspy and slurred, but Kreature heard and rushed to Regulus’ assistance. He filled the cup once more and raised it to Regulus’ lips, looking like he’d rather do anything else. His eyes were flooded with concern, an expression only ever directed at Regulus. He found it strangely comforting.
With one final gulp, the basin was empty. Regulus reached in with trembling hands and curled his fist around the evil object. He had it. With relief, he sank to the ground, back against the base of the stone basin. Tremors continued to wrack his body, and his vision faded in and out.
“Master Regulus?” Kreature’s voice came from his side. He raised his head with an effort and would’ve attempted an answer despite his dry throat, when the glimmering ripples of the lake caught his attention. His thirst came back with an intensity unmatched even by the burning pain traveling through him. It was all he could think about, the water all he could see. He fell forward onto his hands and knees and began pulling himself toward it with what little strength he had left. The sound of Kreature’s voice faded into the background.
So thirsty, he thought. I just need a drink, then we can get out of here. Distantly, Regulus thought that disturbing the water might be a bad idea, but the warning was forgotten before he even had time to process it. The water just looked so cool and refreshing; he would be okay once he had a drink.
Almost to the edge now, Regulus felt hands on his robe— Kreature trying to pull him back. Regulus looked at him with confusion and hurt. Why was he trying to stop him from getting the one thing he needed most? Kreature’s mouth was moving, but Regulus couldn’t hear any sound coming out. He tried to pull away, toward the water, but Kreature held firm. Distractedly, Regulus muttered, “Let go.”
Instantly, the hands retreated, unable to disobey, and Regulus fell flat. He struggled to his knees once more and crawled the last few feet, until, at last, the water was in reach. Unceremoniously, Regulus plunged his free hand under the surface.
Abruptly, the lake erupted. Pale hands reached for Regulus and clamped around his wrist, trying to pull him in. Regulus’ mind cleared in an instant, and he jerked back as best he could, aiming a kick at the nearest creature's head. The grip on his wrist released, but more hands now found purchase on his ankles. He tried to kick again, but his weakened body couldn’t overcome so many assailants.
Desperately, Regulus turned on his side and thrust the locket in Kreature’s direction. “Take it. Take it, Kreature!” The elf snatched it from his grasp and instinctively reached forward again to grab Regulus, but the inferni gave a heave, and Regulus slid farther into the water, out of reach. Kreature made to follow, but Regulus couldn’t risk him being grabbed, too.
“No!” He screamed, frantic and frightened. “Go! Just go, Kreature. Take it to Sirius! He’ll underst—” Regulus’ last words were lost to the water, as the inferni pulled him under.
The hands tore at his hair, clothes, and skin as he was pulled deeper into the lake. Sirius will understand. He’ll help James understand, Regulus thought. Cuts were opened on his legs and arms, and water flooded his mouth, his lungs. Regulus barely felt it. A sense of calm washed over him at the knowledge that his brother would finally know the truth.
Maybe now Sirius will be able to forgive me. Maybe now James will be able to forget me. They deserve that, at least.
A clawed hand tore at the skin over his chest, fingers digging between ribs to get at the faintly beating muscle beneath. A small smile flitted across Regulus’ face. Now, James and I will match, he thought.
It was not such a bad fate after all.