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Kaeya sighed, pouring the wine into a glass before setting the bottle on the ground. That was how he knew it wasn't a bad night. On bad nights he didn't bother with a glass, just sat drank until the bottle was empty then cradled it close to his chest and wished it wasn’t. Instead, he rested the glass between his chest and thigh, other hand drifting over top of the bottle.
It was tempting to take it and down the entire thing. Throw the glass aside and drown the aching in his chest. Fill the holes with alcohol. Everything seemed better drunk. But he was trying to stop. For Jean. And for Klee. And, even though he had a hard time admitting it, for Diluc. And with Diluc, Crepus.
A pack of unopened cigarettes sat on the window sill, acting as a paper weight to some document he was supposed to do tonight. Kaeya would. Eventually. Lisa expected them late. With how the week had been going, he'd hoped he'd be able to surprise her by turning them in on time. This episode or whatever it was had come out of nowhere though. And at the moment, the most interesting thing on that windowsill was cigarettes.
He didn't though. Not yet. Maybe later in the night when he knew he wouldn't smoke the entire package in a daze, only realising they were gone when he reached for another and there was nothing to take.
It hurt a little to deny himself of that urge, and he scratched his nail against the skin of his wrist to ignore the itch. Then he surprised himself when he didn't go farther. He was getting better. Once, that would have started a night of blood and morning bandages. He had vague memories of waking up in a pool of his own blood with slits up to his elbows and barely a recollection of doing it. That hadn't happened in months.
Jean did occasionally notice a new cut and make him bandage it and tell her where he got it. Whenever Kaeya ran into Diluc they both exchanged wrist-checks, though Kaeya knew Diluc was more likely to just stop dodging. He was too. So the younger paid attention.
Kaeya wasn't even completely sure what had caused this one. It had been a completely normal Tuesday. He'd visited the Dawn Winery, talked to Diluc, done the regular check in with Adelinde for injuries, forced Diluc to check in with Adelinde, and stayed for dinner. Adelinde had made some form of pastry for dinner and Kaeya had almost recognised it by scent. Almost. He'd had some not concrete memories of her making it before.
Not enough. It wasn't enough. He'd been kind of detached all through the rest of dinner and it hadn't gone away.
Diluc had noticed. Of course he had. Kaeya was kind of waiting for him to show up. Well, that and he really didn't think he could sleep if he tried. That was the thing about not good nights.
He sighed, setting down the half empty glass on the table to hold his papers and grabbed the box of cigarettes. Technically, the building he was staying in looked down on smoking indoors. Something about fire hazards.
He flung the window open, leaning out without a shiver in the night air. The wind blew into his face as he tugged the box open, slamming the window against the walls. Now for a lighter.
Sometimes, on the bad nights, he couldn't make himself open the window. He'd smoke inside those times, sitting on the floor, fingers slipping with blood.
A flame flickered into existence and Kaeya smiled as it danced. He cupped his hands as he lit the cigarette, carefully checking that the match was out before flicking it into the streets below. No extra work for Jean tonight.
When he exhaled after taking the first breath, the wind whisked away the smoke before he could truly smell it. Just the faint tinges. No matter. His lungs were filled with the warm smoke. That was good enough for tonight.
Fabric swished from beside his ear. Kaeya smiled without looking. Little late.
"Hey," he said casually and held out the box of cigarettes behind him. "Want one?" When nothing happened for a moment, Kaeya turned around to see Monstadt's Darknight Hero hesitating. He chuckled. "Come on, 'luc."
The man took one after another second, lighting it with a flash of Pyro.
Kaeya shook his head. "Lucky," he mumbled. It might have been the lighting but he swore he saw his older brother crack a smile at the remark.
The Knight turned around after that, taking another whiff from his own cigarette balanced between his fingers as he gazed up at the Favonius Cathedral. The moon was high and full behind it. A truly striking sight. 'Remember when I threw myself off of there?' he almost wanted to say with a smile. That night was a result of too many bad ones.
It wasn't the decision that he regretted though. He regretted making everyone worry that much. It had been his fault that Klee thought she might lose her big brother. Like he had. His fault Jean had gone so many nights without sleeping again, just to check if he was still breathing. It would have been his fault if any of them had lost another. If Diluc had been left alone.
Kaeya had made the decision to keep going for others; because it hurt him too much to hurt them. It was only after months of effort that he started doing it for himself too.
Life had feeling again. He liked it. Liked being happy just to be happy. Besides, if he had died, he would have never seen all the things Klee had done. Never finally rekindled things with Diluc. He never would have gotten to know Rosaria as more than a drinking buddy. As a friend. He wouldn't have learned that she played a mean game of poker sober too and could best him in unarmed combat any time.
So he didn't bring up that night. It was best forgotten anyway. Truly though, the cathedral was beautiful.
Apparently he was silent for too long as the next words from Diluc's mouth were, "Bad night?"
Kaeya shrugged. "Just my worst in a while."
"Check?" Diluc asked, holding out his free hand.
Kaeya sighed good naturedly, holding out both of his arms with the wrists turned up. "I'm over a month clean, 'luc, I'm not going to ruin my streak just because of a slightly worse than average night."
"Just making sure. Your turn?"
Kaeya waved a hand to shut the idea down. He'd watched Adelinde look over Diluc earlier that day. It would be fine.
"I didn't dissociate today," Diluc remarked after a bout of silence. "Or use the delusion."
Kaeya quirked an eyebrow, those were Diluc's typical coping methods. "Did you smile?" The younger asked.
It startled a laugh from his brother. "Ja," Diluc replied when he calmed a little. "I'm getting better."
Kaeya hummed, settling on the windowsill. "I am too," he mused, fingers rubbing across little over a month old scars.
"I know," Diluc said, laying a hand on Kaeya's shoulder. "We all are."