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He probably should’ve stopped after he felt the side of his binder start to strain a bit. He didn’t, though. Another rep of the chest presses, Eric feels the center of his binder rip open. He had already been spiraling after having his hair just barely too long for his liking. Even after getting his hair cut much shorter than he normally has it, adding a slit to his eyebrow for good measure, he feels like crawling out of his skin still. The binder is still tight enough under his shirt that it gives him far more dysphoric feelings than he was already experiencing. Eric feels how his breathing becomes labored and his heart rate picks up. In the middle of the semi-busy gym, Eric can’t help the way panic rises and bubbles over until he’s in a full-blown panic attack right there, sitting on the workout machine.
“Excuse me?” A young man, not far from Eric’s age, peeks around the back of the machine.
Eric can only look up at him, trying to find a way to process his words.
The man scans over Eric’s body for a second. Eric knows that he can see the way his chest is more visible even through his baggy shirt and what’s left of his binder. Deep down, Eric knows that the man didn’t mean to be rude or anything like that.
“Miss?” The man asks again, “Are you okay?”
“Not a woman,” Eric barely mumbles out.
“I’m sorry, I just–”
Eric doesn’t let him finish. He stands up, practically barreling over him to get out of there. Thank whatever higher power there is that he didn’t bring anything that needed to be kept in the locker room today. Bolting out of the gym, he makes a beeline for his car, barely processing the world around him. He doesn’t even bother to take off his broken binder before he starts driving. Panicking while driving probably isn’t the best idea, especially considering the level of panic that he’s experiencing, but he can’t stop what he’s already started. Before he knows it, he’s pulling into Sunwoo’s apartment building’s parking lot. He doesn’t process a damn thing until he’s outside Sunwoo’s door, knocking as if his life depended on it.
Eric pushes his hand through his short black hair, spiraling as he waits for Sunwoo to open the door. He doesn’t even know if his almost-boyfriend is home or not; he’ll just have to hope for the best.
“Eric? What’s going–” Sunwoo asks as he pulls the door open, only to be cut off by Eric falling into his arms.
Sunwoo carefully wraps his arms around him, already feeling how loose his binder is against his skin. Something’s not right, he knows that at least. Carefully, Sunwoo steps backwards to guide Eric into the small home, closing the door with a light push from the hand that’s around Eric’s waist. His long fingers thread through the back of Eric’s hair, gently scratching his scalp, trying to ground him. Eric lets out a long, shuddery breath as he melts further into Sunwoo’s arms.
“What’s going on, baby?” Sunwoo asks softly against his shoulder.
“Nothing.” Eric mumbles.
Sunwoo squeezes his waist just a little bit tighter, “This isn’t nothing, baby. What’s going on?”
“Got called ‘miss’,” Eric admits, “And my binder broke while I was working out, and I’ve been having really bad dysphoria this week… So bad that I cut my hair as short as it’s ever been and–”
Sunwoo pulls back and cups Eric’s face in his hands. He keeps his hands there as he traces his eyes over every inch of Eric’s face, stopping on each small freckle for a moment longer. Eric’s eyes are brimming with tears, clearly panicking still. Leaning in, Sunwoo presses a soft kiss to Eric’s lips. Lingering for just a moment to let more emotion convey.
“Let’s get this binder off of you, then we can talk through this, okay?” Sunwoo smiles softly
Eric shakes his head, “Can’t– need–” He lets out a shaky breath again, “I don’t like that I can feel my boobs.”
“I have some binding tape if that helps… We get this binder off and put on some binding tape.”
Eric’s eyes sparkle, still lined with tears, “I don’t know how… I’ve never used…”
“I’ll show you, baby.” Sunwoo smiles sweetly, “I used it before my top surgery. I’d say I’m pretty familiar with how to bind.”
“I should shower first… I didn’t shower at the gym today… not after–”
Sunwoo kisses the pout developing on Eric’s lips, “You can shower here, baby. I have some sweatpants you can use and any t-shirt you want. Do you want a hoodie too? Will that help?”
Eric nods, “Could I?”
Sunwoo kisses his nose this time, “Of course, that’s why I offered, silly. You remember where everything is in the bathroom?”
“Yeah… what should I do with my…”
“Your binder? Is it completely ripped? Is it salvageable?”
Eric sniffles, ready to cry again, “It’s…it’s… no. I’m pretty sure it’s beyond saving.”
“You can leave it in the bathroom and I’ll take care of it? Okay?”
Eric nods with another sniffle, “It’s my only binder…”
Sunwoo pulls away again, scanning Eric’s face with sparkly eyes, “That’s why I’m teaching you how to use tape, baby. I don’t need it anymore and if I can help you, I will.”
Eric nods again, letting Sunwoo take him to the bedroom to gather the clothing he needs and sends him off to shower his sweat along with the remaining jitters from the panic attack. It helps but his chest feels too heavy, too present. His body feels wrong. The way the water clings to what’s left of his feminine curves, the way he needs to confront his lack of male genitalia makes him want to be swallowed by the floor so he can never see the light of day again. With a long sigh, he finishes his shower and quickly tosses Sunwoo’s clothes on before he can see any body parts he wishes not to in the mirror.
Sunwoo waits in his room, sitting patiently while Eric showers. As soon as he sees him, he stands up, reaching out for Eric with one hand. Eric lets himself be guided even as far as letting Sunwoo sit him down on the bed and strip the borrowed shirt from his upper half. Sitting half-naked on the bed in this context only makes him feel small in a not-so-fun way. His boobs on display are the last thing he wants. Sunwoo doesn’t bring any extra attention to his rather heavy chest, just like always. He just goes about his business, finding the tape tossed in a random drawer, which had been almost forgotten since his surgery, along with a pair of scissors to cut the tape where he needs to.
“You’re being so brave, baby.” Sunwoo nearly whispers, dropping a soft kiss to Eric’s forehead, “I’m so proud of you.”
“I hate this,” Eric admits, “Not that you’re helping! I mean, I–”
“I know, baby. It’s not easy being stuck in the wrong body.”
Sunwoo carefully measures a piece of tape against Eric’s chest before cutting the strip and carefully lining it right where it needs to be, pressing down on Eric’s breast so it’s flat while still being sure not to hurt him. Through each step, he explains exactly what to do and what to be careful of. It’s a whole new world of binding to Eric and he’s careful to listen to each softly spoken word.
“Just press gently like this…” Sunwoo guides, gently moving Eric’s breast as he presses the tape firmly to his skin, “Be careful not to press too hard cause trying to pull the tape after the first application can be really painful since it’s made to be really stuck to your skin.”
Eric tries his best to focus on Sunwoo’s words, he really does. But the way Sunwoo’s fingers dance across his chest, expertly taping him and explaining each step makes him yearn. He does his best not to shift and squirm but the attention Sunwoo is giving him makes him want to do nothing more than be pliant in his touch. Sunwoo continues to explain but Eric’s brain seems to completely turn off the moment his almost-boyfriend puts a single finger on him.
“Baby?” Sunwoo calls softly, “Are you listening?”
“Sorry…” Eric huffs finally letting go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Sunwoo smiles, “It’s been a long day, huh?”
“Yeah… I kinda just…”
“Cuddles?”
Eric smiles, “Can we?”
“Let’s clean up the trash and then we can cuddle.”
Sunwoo pushes himself up off his knees pressing his hands into Eric’s thighs for leverage. The shaky breath that Eric lets out might make it seem as though he was about to get something more than just cuddles but neither of them address it. As soon as Sunwoo is standing and cleaning up, Eric can see himself properly in the mirror on the wall beside the bed. The sight of the binding tape on his otherwise bare chest makes his stomach fill with butterflies and chest heat up. He loves it. Sunwoo comes back to stand beside him, taking Eric’s chin in his hand, pushing it slightly to make him look up at him. Eric’s eyes are sparkly and bright, not a singular thought in his head as he looks up at Sunwoo.
“Did you already give yourself your T shot this week?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Good boy,” Sunwoo smirks slightly, earning a small whine from Eric in return, “I need to put my gel on soon.”
“Can I put it on for you?” Eric asks before Sunwoo can move away.
Sunwoo’s fingers barely squeeze his chin tighter, “Yeah, baby, you can. Can I go get it or do you need something first?”
Eric only puckers his lips in response.
Sunwoo chuckles, leaning down to kiss Eric softly while still holding his chin, “You’re cute.”
“Mmm~” Eric hums.
“I’ll go get my t-gel and you can help me with it.”
“Okay,” Eric barely whispers against Sunwoo’s lips.
Sunwoo kisses him one more time before disappearing into the bathroom for a moment. He returns with the bottle of gel and hands it Eric silently. He continues to look at Sunwoo with big sparkly eyes waiting for instruction even though he knows exactly what to do. With his free hand he gently pushes Sunwoo’s shirt up so he can see his soft belly. Eric presses his thumb gently into Sunwoo’s waist.
“On your stomach?” Eric breathes out.
“Would you prefer to put it on my thighs?”
“I– I don’t think I’d be able to focus.”
Sunwoo chuckles again, “Belly it is.”
Pulling his shirt up over his head, he smiles at the way Eric’s breathing hitches when his top surgery scars become visible. Eric instantly lets his hand wander higher onto Sunwoo’s torso, running his fingers along the scars. Sunwoo gives him an endearing look and leans down to kiss his forehead. He briefly explains exactly how much gel to use before moving to lay out on his bed leaving Eric with just about zero thoughts in his heads. He makes sure to put the right dose in his palm before moving to straddle Sunwoo’s hips. Sunwoo’s hands fall down to Eric’s hips as if it’s second nature gently rubbing circles against the exposed skin. Eric rubs the gel between his hands before pressing his hands against Sunwoo’s stomach softly. He can barely help the thoughts that flood his mind when he rubs the gel into Sunwoo’s skin. It feels so right to be sat in his lap both of them shirtless enjoying the comfortable silence between them.
“You look far off right now, baby,” Sunwoo giggles, squeezing Eric’s hip.
Eric mindlessly runs his fingertips over Sunwoo’s scar and tattoo only humming in response. He continues to draw little shapes across Sunwoo’s skin despite the gel already being dried down. He can’t help it if he’s a little obsessed with how absolutely breathtaking Sunwoo is. Sunwoo lets his hands wander higher on Eric’s body, easily skimming over the tape.
“Where’d you run off to?”
Eric barely hums again, “You’re just handsome. That’s all.”
“Thank you, baby. You’re much more handsome,” Sunwoo smiles brightly.
Eric is about to argue but Sunwoo sits up suddenly capturing Eric’s lips in a deep kiss. The noise Eric makes is enough to have Sunwoo smiling into the kiss but not breaking it. Sunwoo pulls him impossibly closer in his lap, pulling another noise from Eric.
“So handsome, and all mine.” Sunwoo mumbles between kisses.
“All yours.” Eric gasps.
“Yeah? All mine?” Sunwoo grinned, nosing along Eric’s jawline until he was letting his head fall back so Sunwoo press lingering kisses to the exposed skin.
“All yours,” Eric echoed breathlessly, his fingers balled into fists by his side.
“And I’m all yours,” Sunwoo smiles.