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It wasn’t him. Not really. I reminded myself as I attempted to focus on the feel of my fingers grazing up and down the worn blanket that covered my lower half. But as his eyes bore into me making my skin crawl as if the temperature lowered drastically, I knew it’d be futile.
“Why are you here?” I almost pleaded to him as I looked up to meet his face. To what I last saw his face looked like. Maybe in the time I’ve left he’s gathered new bruises that would hide the freckles that filled his face, maybe the sun has kissed him harsher. In response to my words he titled his head at me as a small smile played on his face, the comfort and grief that swirled in my stomach was slowly turning into a sour combination, a feeling that the new Ruby wasn’t able to handle just yet.
“Go, please, just go.” He wasn’t moving. Liam wouldn’t leave me. Not in reality, nor in my own imagination. This entire ordeal was conjured by my mind to play with me, to remind me of the love I left, whether it was for myself or because I believed that without me his chances would be better in this harsh world. The Liam that lurked in front of me creeped closer to me, sitting on the edge of my bed now with a smile that really never faulted, because he’s always looked at me with kindness that I didn’t deserve, that almost nobody in this life did or could even learn to deserve. Liam was above that, he was good. So, so, so good.
In a sad way, it reminded me of that moment before I passed out when they found out what I really was when I remembered a time in Black Betty, where Lee was singing along, horribly , to Derek and the Domino’s “ Layla ” at the top of his lungs. It was okay then. I belonged, god, I belonged with them, didn’t I? So why was he so far away, where was Chubs with his snarky comments but fierce love, and Zu with her quick hugs and silent laughter. I missed them, I missed them so bad, and in the dark of the night I could admit it. While the others slept, while Jude mumbled in his sleep and Vida tossed and turned, I could cry myself sick, hold Liam’s jacket a bit tighter to my body and let my mind conjure up some illusion of him that could still look at me. God, what would he think of this? Using his face, one that I could’ve held, and kissed, and loved my entire life as some kind of fucked up way to get me through what he warned me about.
I should’ve listened to him. I should’ve fought. Begged, screamed, scratched and bit at any person that tried to get between us. I should’ve fought for us . Did that make me weak or strong? Leaving him. That thought had Liam sitting with his chin resting on his hands smiling, looking at me telling me wordlessly that I know the answer to that question. It made me neither. I was both. I let him go, I did the worst thing I could possibly do, and I barely flinched, but I also did it for the league. For him. Selfishly, for me .
Liam’s smile spread into a feral grin, a haunting one, one that made him look exactly like his brother, or maybe this was his brother. Maybe my mind couldn’t differentiate the two of them in a way to taunt me and tell me he was here with me, that he would turn into someone cold and cruel like Cole, that what I did was for nothing, would only make him realise the monster I am, that maybe what I did would put him off love forever and have him turn out like that anyways. God, the thought made me sick. I was going to be sick.
Liam’s cold, blue eyes followed me as I hastily threw the blanket off of me and hobbled out the room quick to not throw up in here, but quiet enough to not wake the others. As I crouched on the cold tile and emptied the contents of my stomach– the little bits of food I managed to get down the past few days– which ended in just a lot of dry heaving and sobs. I clenched my fist, clench, unclench, clench, unclench, felt the coolness of the tile and the smell of vomit, and it just made my stomach churn further. My eyes drifted slowly to the figure lurking behind me, looking down at me with not disdain but not warmth either. Just a calm, collecting gaze that washed over me and despite Liam’s leather jacket clinging to skin left goosebumps over my body.
“What,” I bit out, “what do you want from me, Lee?” he tilted his head, the move was so Liam. “How can I make you go?” I turned to face him, tears rolling down my face. They started slowly, little droplets of water that splashed against the dam, until they built momentum. Soon more and more water came, the dam broke and suddenly it wasn’t about the dam anymore. I broke. Tears, ugly, disgusting tears fell out of my eyes, wracking my body and leaving me feeling more alone than I ever had in my life. It wasn’t just about Lee, it was about Chubs, Zu, little Ruby, Sam– all the girls at Thurmond– god, Thurmond in itself. All I did was cry, and cry, for a good thirty minutes and when it finished and my breathing slowed just a bit, I was curled into myself and reminded of Ruby the night her parents argued, the Ruby that had parents, the Ruby who hours later wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry Lee, I’m so, so. So , sorry. ple–" I choked on my own words, I let out a sad, wet, almost laugh. “Please. Please, Lee– haunt me, don’t hate me. Forgive me, I’m so sorry. I love you, I love you so much. So… So much.” Liam’s figure crouched down to me, he stroked my face tenderly in a way that would’ve rid my tears if it was real. This isn’t real . I told myself as his hands traced down my face, to my jaw, to my neck, the way his hand gripped tighter, and tighter, and tighter around my neck, and even if it wasn’t truly real, I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. His face etched with anger in a way it never did, and suddenly he looked so much like the daunting figure that haunted Cole’s memories.
Then he was gone. Leaving me left in his jacket, my arms limp at my side, a puddle of vomit next to me and my eyes wide and face wet with both tears and sweat. I would’ve looked crazy to any onlookers, seeing this would only tell them I truly was the lost cause they all thought me to be. Ruby, who was crazy. Ruby, who tortured people with a single touch to their skin. Ruby, who even though she let go first is still chasing the boy who would’ve followed her to the end, who could’ve loved her for the monster she is. Not after what you’ve done, my conscience told me, there’s no going back now. I was right, there was no going back. Lee was gone, and so was the Ruby he knew. Tragically, it reminded me of the song he’d always call me. “Ruby Tuesday,” he’d say fondly, that look in his sparkling blue eyes, “who could hang a name on you?” And who could. Lee didn’t know me, Zu was gone, Chubs was gone too, Sam would never remember me and the girls had probably forgotten about me, and what did my team know about me, really? Nobody in this world knew me, really, knew me.
Good, that’s good, isn’t it? Nobody to hold me back, nobody for me to hurt. I collected myself, and set off to find something to clean up the contents of my stomach off the floor. It was for their own good, for me to leave, for me to not stand in their way. This was it for us, for any dream I could have about all of us, Zu. Chubs, Lee , reuniting and them welcoming me with open, loving arms. It couldn’t happen. Wouldn’t. Besides, my life was always meant to pan out this way, just like my namesake. I was meant to be free, and the others were never meant to have me in their life, I was never meant to be able to dream about them in my future. My future was blood, war, fighting, Cole . A life like his. Their future wasn’t going to be anything like that. Even if I couldn’t be a part of that, I could still hope, tell myself, that no matter what with or without me in it, they’d achieve that. Because the world. Life in all its ups and downs. Couldn’t be that unkind to not give them what they want, couldn't give me what I want for the first time in my years of living. If it could just grant me this, then the cut that was old Ruby would slowly begin to heal, to fade away. But new Ruby? She’d live in it forever. As no matter what I tell myself, the promises that it couldn’t happen anymore, that this was it for us over, and over again. She'd always reopen the wound to live in it so that she’d never forget the feeling of them, forget them . As isn’t any feeling, even if it’s pain, better than feeling nothing at all?