Archive of Our Own ^beta

She woke up with her stomach in knots and feeling almost sick from her nerves. She sat getting ready and picking at her nails while all the people she loved the most assured her it was normal to feel this nervous and excited. It was her wedding day, after all, it’s meant to be the happiest day of someone’s life.

She ran to the bathroom before she got in her dress and that would become a challenge. She didn’t really need to go, just wanted peace before the day got more hectic than it already was. She wished she had brought her phone in with her as a distraction because evidently locking herself in the tiny room with just her thoughts wasn’t as beneficial for her anxiety as she’d hoped.

She was doing the correct thing, she kept telling herself. She’d been in this relationship for so long, marriage came next. And there was love there at times, right? It was what she was supposed to do… and maybe in that moment she doubted whether she actually wanted to, but who cares?! That’s a normal feeling, just nerves, she should still do it. She had to do it. So, she slowly went back to the room to get ready, accepting defeat of her brain, trying to shut it off and be happy.

Once she got into her dress everything felt so real. She was a bride. She looked in the mirror and put on a smile, laughing more at the oos and aws she was getting than with them. As she felt her eyes start to water and someone rush for tissues for her, she realized there was only one person who could make it better, and just maybe make it all go away.

“Is he here yet?” she called out to the general direction of the others in the room with her.

“Well yeah, but he’s not supposed to see you in the dress! C’mon you can’t wait a couple more hours? That’s sweet” someone replied, a little distracted and focused on another task.

Then her mom walked over and took her hands. “He’s here. I’ll go get him.”

“Wait, mom, no, it’s fine.” She quickly sputtered out, a little loudly. She held onto her mom’s hands tighter, not wanting her to leave, but more importantly not wanting her to come back with the wrong him.

“It’s okay baby, you want Taylor, right?”

“Yeah, I-” she sighed, “I want Taylor.”

She finally let go of her mother’s hands, ignoring the looks she was getting from everyone else, and ungracefully threw herself back into the chair in front of the mirror.

She hated the way she looked, it didn’t feel like her at all. She just wanted to peel everything off of herself, the itchy tulle of the dress, the constricting, heavy ring on her finger, the digging pins in her hair. She couldn’t breathe in it.

Then she saw him. She hopped out of the seat and finally took a full breath. He was all done up in his smart suit, looking better than ever, she thought. She ran up to him and gave him a hug so tight he nearly lost his balance and now he was the one struggling to breathe. He didn’t care; breathing was the least important thing on his mind. Hayley looked at her mom and mouthed a silent thanks to her for getting Taylor.

They finally separated from their hug, their hands linked, and for the first time that day, she wore a real smile. You could’ve believed she thought today actually would be the happiest day of her life if you saw it.

“Wow, Hayles, you look… so beautiful,” he said in a whisper just for her.

“Thanks, T.” She had so much more to say but no words came. They just stared at each other.

They both had wide, expectant eyes, as if something that should happen wasn’t happening, and they both knew each other too well to recognize that the only smiles they had on now, were polite and ingenuine, barely any curl at the end of their lips.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening.” He said, fooling everyone else in the room that he was happy.

“Me neither. I mean I still got a few hours though.” She said slowly, struggling to look into his eyes.

“Oh, don’t worry, they’ll fly by!” they heard someone shout over to her.

“Yeah, and then you’ll be married!” he tried so hard to be happy for her, but “Be someone’s wife” just came out in such a defeated sigh after that he didn’t mean.

He probably wasn’t being the most fun company for her right before her wedding started, but it wasn’t his fault he knew she was making the wrong decision! He had watched her for years pretend that everything was perfect to the world, but he knew the truth. He knew about the sadness, the fights, the breakups… the pure pain and torture that was being given to the girl he loved more than anything in the world. And now she was marrying the source of it all. How on earth was he meant to congratulate her on that?! He knew that man didn’t deserve her, and part of him thought no one would. But most of him just wished she could see that maybe he did.

It wasn’t his place, and he was too late. He knew that. Besides, he’d already tested the water before when he asked her if she ever thought about them being more than friends, and she couldn’t have been quicker to shut it down.

He always wondered if she was lying, not wanting to hope too much because she probably wasn’t.

But he thought back to a few years ago. She’d broken up with her soon-to-be husband… again, and was sat on her couch with him looking freer and lighter than he ever remembered her. They were watching Wayne’s World together for the fiftieth time. He still didn’t know the plot. How could he ever possibly pay attention to that when she was always curled up into him, laughing away, and reciting the lines to him.

That night, she caught him staring. Finally called him out for never actually watching the movie. His only excuse? “You’re distracting.”

He called her pretty.

Her eyes flickered to his lips.

He leaned in.

She turned away, back to the screen.

He cleared his throat. She bit her lip.

He offered to go. She begged him to stay.

He started paying attention to the movie. She fell asleep on him.

He carried her to bed. She asked him to stay there, too.

He stroked her hair. She lay on his chest.

He imagined a life like that, every night, just like this.

She pretended it was only happening because she was tired.

He whispered that he loved her.

She pretended to be asleep.

He let himself believe it was real, for just one night.

She let him and never mentioned it again.

So now, he could only watch her walk down that aisle and force himself not to imagine she was walking towards him instead.

This was her choice, she had decided wrong, he thought, but she had decided. If she didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t be doing it… which is why he stayed quiet that day.

“Can’t believe I’m actually doing this, T” she whispered, “can you?”

He shook his head furiously. “But you’re really doing it, huh?”

She stayed silent for a few seconds too long, and Taylor would have found it almost laughable if he wasn’t already dying inside, and if she didn’t have those eyes.

She was practically begging him with puppy dog eyes to say something, anything! As soon as she saw him, she knew she was doing the wrong thing, but she wasn’t going to throw away the stability this marriage could offer for someone whose feelings she could’ve just been making up in her mind. So here she was, silently pleading with him to tell her she wasn’t making it up. She couldn’t say yes for definite that she was really going to do this until she was sure there was no alternative in Taylor.

He said nothing.

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

Her eyes started to water, and he pulled her in for another hug.

It was really happening. No doubt in her mind now that she had to do it.

She couldn’t breathe again. Her chest was tight, not from the dress, but from the unbearable heaviness of her decision. She was sobbing in his arms, the only place that had ever felt like safety. And still… she was getting married today.

She clawed at the back of her dress to undo it. Her hands were too shaky, so Taylor got it for her. He was calm and gentle and supportive. She cried even harder. He teared up too. Everyone crowded them.

“I just can’t believe it. I’m getting married!” she told them all.

They cheered for her, as if these could possibly be tears of joy. Taylor never let go. She calmed down.

“You okay Hayles?” he asked, wiping her eyes.

She huffed out a big breath to regulate her breathing again and looked at him properly, perfecting her fake smile, “Yeah, course, it’s my wedding day!”

He stared in disbelief that she was still pretending this was what she wanted, and he knew he couldn’t take much more of it before he’d say something he’d regret. So they sat together for a bit longer, both deciding to talk about anything but the current situation.

By the end of the conversation, she truly was happy, forgetting about what was about to happen, or at least ignoring it for now.

“I should probably get out there now, guess I’ll see you soon.” Taylor stood and she pushed down the dread she immediately felt, reminding herself there was no other outcome with him, and he probably shouldn’t be her brain’s focus when she was marrying someone else. So she stood with him, nodding and going in for a final hug before letting him go, for good.

“I’m really happy for you,” part of them both knew he was lying, “and Hayley?” he pulled away and looked at her, really looked. She looked back with hopeful eyes and parted lips, heart racing one final time, just in case he was about to say it.

“Yes?”

There was a long pause, and he took a deep breath in.

 “You really do make such a beautiful bride.”

Her heart sank. Those words should’ve made her heart soar, but she watched him walk away, saddened by it all.

He didn’t say it. Didn’t want to stop her, clearly.

Guess it’s time to get married then, she thought.

Maybe the smell of the flowers hurt her head, and maybe there were too many talkative guests, and maybe the music was too loud and romantic, but overall, she had an okay time. It was actually a really nice day, and she was happy for the most part, the joy only faltering whenever her mind slipped back to her best friend. But whatever, he didn’t even try to talk to her the rest of the day.

He watched them dance, a real smile on her face, knowing he had to get over her now. Although, he’d been telling himself that for the past decade, and here he was, still madly in love with her. Which is why he was on his fifth (seventh) whisky, trying to avoid her. He couldn’t give another fake congratulations, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, he couldn’t stop tearing up at seeing her kiss her husband. He was glad she was happy, but he sure as hell wasn’t and he couldn’t ruin the rest of the night for her.

She finally caught his eye after hours of trying, only to realize he was getting up to leave. He waved a casual goodbye at her, stumbling slightly over the air. She abandoned the dance floor and dodged all the guests wanting to talk to her, making sure her eyes never left the back of Taylor as he sped down the hall to the front exit.

She shouted at him to stop once she was just outside the front of the building, and he squeezed his eyes and threw his head back, facing the sky. He finally stopped walking and turned to face her, losing his footing again.

She got him to sit down with her, and he burst out laughing, almost frustratedly.

“Go inside, have fun, it’s your wedding! What are you doing out here?!”

“You think I’d just let you leave like that, you’ve barely spoken to me since this morning,” she sighed.

“Thought I’d let everyone else get a turn with you, cant steal you all day,”  he looked at her with glassy eyes that sort of looked through her at nothing instead of at her, and he was leaning closer than normal, “Not my job, you’ve got a groom for that.” He laughed dryly, knowing there was nothing funny about it. She didn’t.

“You’re happy right, Hayles?” he asked quietly, resting his head on her shoulder, giving up trying to balance.

She ran her hands through his hair and kissed the top of his head, sighing out.

“I’m happy” she replied even quieter.

“Good, then I’m happy. That’s all that matters.” He sat up again and wrapped his arms around her, “So happy for you, congratulations.”

“Right, yeah… thanks”

A taxi pulled up just then, the headlights shining on them both, and they stood up for Taylor to go.

She grabbed his hand, “Wait,” she hugged him one last time, “I love you man.”

“I love you too, so much. More than you can ever know,” he hugged her back tightly, breathing her in, missing her already, reminding himself everything had changed, and she was married and happy.

She hadn’t let herself think about it in years. But when he hugged her like that, tight, grounding, final… she was back there.

Back on her old couch, post-breakup, post-tears, post-everything. Laughing at her favorite movie with her favorite person, reciting lines just to make him smile. She’d felt light then, so much lighter than she did in her relationship. Like she could actually breathe.

She remembered catching him watching her instead of the screen like always. The way he called her pretty like it was the easiest thing in the world. How she looked at his lips, and how she almost didn’t look away.

She remembered asking him to stay the night, curling up with him in bed, her head on his chest and leg tucked between his own. She’d never felt safer. Never more tempted to say something. To ruin everything. It felt just like this hug now.

And she remembered pretending to be asleep when he whispered, “god I’m so in love with you Hayles.”

She’d never told him she heard it.

She never told him she wanted to say it back.

“Yeah, always,” she said, placing a kiss to his cheek and turning to let him go before the goodbye got too hard, reminding herself everything had changed, and she was married and happy.

“Always.” He said to himself, watching her go back inside, and immediately being met with smiling guests and laughter.

She was happy, and someone else’s. But the tightness in her chest was still lingering there, and she knew it wouldn’t fade anytime soon.