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When the winter passes and the flowers bloom,
Let’s talk about all those things that we couldn’t say.
Let’s walk away as if nothing’s wrong.
The gentle breeze that occasionally blows sends a chill down Magnus's spine. It's one of the most beautiful times of the year, spring. The time of new beginnings and fresh ideas, the time of reconciliation…and endings.
As another breeze brushes past, he looks up to the sky, hoping to extract some energy from the sun for the heavy work that he's planning to execute. It’s strange. Magnus has always been someone sure in his steps, certain of where he wants to go and what he intends to do.
But the more he waits, the less certain he is of the work that he's about to carry out. It's not like Hikaru to be late. The flowers around him seem to weep with joy at his lover’s absence, they carry out the sweet, fresh scent that he no longer found within the comfort of someone he has called ‘love’ for so long.
Hikaru, who's always so punctual, has kept him waiting for nearly half an hour now. And it’s scary that Magnus seems to enjoy it more and more. The longer that the hour stretches without his face, he feels free. There’s no weight on his shoulders, no expectation for him to carry out.
Earlier in their relationship, he was always the one running late, coming into the restaurant with excuses of traffic and work. Hikaru would smile and forgive him, saying that the wait is worth it, that the view of his face is worth the delay anyway.
Hikaru, whose eyes never failed to stir up butterflies in his stomach, whose words never failed to turn his bad days into better ones. Magnus could count the millions of stars in the sky, and they still wouldn’t surmount the number of times that his lover had saved him from a dark place. Hikaru, whom he's failing to keep his promise to.
He can't pinpoint the exact moment that Hikaru's words start to mean less to him. He can't recall the exact hour when his mood drops the moment that he sees Hikaru's name pop up on his screen.
He just knows that one day it became too exhausting to love. How it suddenly became difficult to show affection for the man whom he once cared for just as easily as he breathes.
He wakes up every day wishing that it wasn't true, wishing that one morning when he wakes up, he would feel the spark just like the first time he fell in love. But every morning, Magnus wakes up dreadful at the thought of having to see Hikaru's face.
The feeling of dread would creep up on him every lunchtime. Is Hikaru coming over to have lunch with him? Does he have to sit there and pretend that the food that his lover packed is enough to make him feel love for him all over again? Would he have to kiss Hikaru goodbye and mean it?
He has a feeling that Hikaru knows. There is no way that his lover doesn't notice pulling him away faster from their hug, how he kisses him less, how he's coming in even later on their date nights, or how more often Magnus calls for a rain check recently.
He doesn't deserve to wait for him this way.
The older man could certainly do better than to wait around on Friday nights, wishing that his other half would show up like he once promised. He walked in on his lover dozing off on the couch while he waited for someone whom he had to know is pulling away.
Which is why Magnus has called him here today, so that he can stop hurting both of them once and for all.
“Magzy!” Hikaru calls out as he strolls towards him.
Just a few months ago, this sight would've brought an effortless smile to his face. Right now, Magnus can feel his muscle straining trying to smile, silently hoping that Hikaru doesn't notice the difference. “Hikaru,” He greets back as the other man takes a seat on the bench beside him.
“Pfft, no 'babe' today? Have I lost that privilege as well?” His lover asks him back with a wide smile.
So, he knows, this should be less painful. Magnus decides to beat around the bush anyway. “I'm just trying to match your vibe.”
A quiet hum answers him. A solemn stillness settles in between them. Hikaru's hand grabs his and laces their fingers together. The sky is so pretty. The flowers dance at their side as Magnus awaits the death of their love. It was a good one while it lasted. Like the flowers in full bloom.
“Is this it?” Hikaru whispers out as he leans on Magnus's shoulder. His voice, light and breaking, breaks Magnus’ heart all over again. “Is this where we'll say our goodbyes?”
His volume is so low, as if he had spoken any louder, their separation would be more true. And suddenly Magnus feels a need for a distraction, he looks down at Hikaru's face, “Do you remember when I first asked you out?”
“It's hard to forget something as bizarre as that, don't you think?” Hikaru huffs.
Magnus had invited him for a few friendly games during the after-party of Norway Chess. After opening up with a string of intentionally bad moves, he asserted: “I'm sure you've noticed how I feel about you. So, ugh, if you feel the same way, please don't checkmate me during this game.”
Hikaru had laughed at him like he was asking him something stupid, which in retrospect he could have looked stupid. Magnus was just a kid in his early 20s with a hopeless crush. But looking at where they are now, looking stupid then isn't so bad. Not too bad at all.
“I remember telling you that I don't date younger guys.” Hikaru says, looking down at his lap. Magnus doesn't want to tilt his face up because he's afraid that the other is already tearing up. When he speaks again, his voice is barely audible: “But you took a chance anyway.”
There's a genuine laugh now, and Magnus's chest tightens up like he's about to have a stroke. “Yeah, and I don't regret it.” He says through gritted teeth. If he could, he would choose to do it all over again. To go back to his twenties and love Hikaru like he did the first time.
It was pure. It was innocent. It defined him then, and continues to define him now.
Hikaru looks up and his eyes are, indeed, filled with tears. “I don't regret loving you, Magnus. I could only hope you feel the same way, that you don't regret confessing to me then.”
“How could I possibly regret something that means so much to me?” His boyfriend looks at him like he doesn't believe him. So, Magnus emphasises, “You still mean a lot to me, Hikaru.”
Hikaru will always have a place in his heart. The place is smaller now, less significant, but there's still a place all the same. His first true love. His first true heartbreak. His…well, once before, he was his everything.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, of course. I don't regret anything that we've done.”
“Then can you do something for me, Magzy? One last favour for your boyfriend?” Hikaru's grip on his fingers tightens, and he's still looking at him like he's the most precious thing in the world. After all this time, that gaze still makes him feel like he’s the most lovable thing in the world. “Can you channel the guy from the past back? Can you tell him to cherish me in your place until the month is over?”
There's silence. Two men sit on the bench, one man desperately trying to hold on while the other is desperately pulling away. Magnus tries to pull himself away, “Hikaru…”
“It's selfish, I know. But I need time to move my stuff out of your place anyway. Can you do this for me, baby? Pretend to love me until April is over?” Magnus is apprehensive, and he's sure that his face shows it. There's a tug on his arm now as Hikaru continues his plea, “It's too beautiful a season to upset me like this, don't you think?”
And the face that used to always make his heart flutter is doing the same thing it used to do, twisting his heart strings, choking him up with emotions that he didn't know he could feel. Magnus looks up at the sky, asking for strength; “I can do that for you.”
And around them, the first batch of leaves begin to shed from the trees.
For the next 20 days, they do their best to love.
Hikaru comes in every other day, taking stuff back while bringing Magnus's stuff in. They eat together, share the same bed, and make love like they used to. But there's less and less of him in Hikaru's place, just like how there's less and less of Hikaru back in his place.
The closet which used to hold both of their clothes grows more and more empty, and the gawking pain in his heart is soon replaced by the empty feeling of loss. It’s funny, this thing called love. Even when he’s losing feelings, it manages to hurt him all the same.
They go out on more dates, take longer walks around parks and beaches, and Hikaru would hold him to sleep like he always would. Magnus would return those acts of love back like he always did. Together, they pretend that their love isn’t dying.
Together, they laughed like they did when they were twenty, when the weight of the world wasn’t resting on their shoulders. It’s back to the late nights that they snuck around the tournament venues, and back to food by the streets that Magnus no longer goes to.
On the evening of the 30th, Hikaru knocks on his door as usual. He cooks for him and Magnus washes up as usual. They try to find a film to watch after dinner and only manage to finish half of it, as usual. Hikaru asks him to make love to him, and Magnus obliges, as usual.
On the morning of the 1st of May, Magnus wakes up alone.
His other side of the bed is empty, Hikaru's side of the closet is empty. No more morning kisses, stealing blankets, blue jazz, or the faint scent of coffee that used to greet him every morning for the last few years. There's only chill from the spring breeze which blows through the window that Hikaru would have closed, had it been any other night.
There's no trace left of the man whom he'd once called the love of his life. Nothing left besides a note on his bedside table.
Final reminder from your boyfriend at the time of writing; I won't go easy on you anymore <3
With all the love you have given me,
The current 2nd Best Grandmaster