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tim couldn’t remember what happened. all he knew was that his face hurt from all the *smiling* and his stomach hurt from the laughter. he could feel eyes on him, like people were watching him unravel—they didn’t want to help him…they…where was he?
tim had shut his eyes tight the second the giggling had started, trying to get it to stop on his own. he knew he couldn’t always rely on people to help him! he had to….he had to do this himself. yeah.
he tried to take a deep breath in, what came out instead of air was just MORE laughter. he knew he sounded like a lunatic—the joker made sure of that. his body shook from the effort it took to get it to stop.
stop. he needed it to stop. why wouldn’t it stop?
his eyes jumped open the second someone put their hand on tim’s shoulder. he basically jumped out of the seat he was sitting in. that action led to more laughter. more sharp inhales that could never help him exhale properly.
“tim”
said a voice that…sounded like dick? yeah. he could tell from how steady it was—how *calm* it was. no one else could sound like that while tim was unraveling like this.
even if tim was standing now? it didn’t last very long. he fell to his knees, still laughing…giggling. unable to stop himself.
“…it…it hu-hurts.”
he tried to say, words broken into gasps. his vision spotted black at the edges. his hands clutched at his stomach like he could physically hold himself together, but the giggling just spilled out, raw and breathless.
he just needed to breathe. why couldn’t he breathe? tim showed grounding techniques to civilians all the time—why couldn’t they work on him?
he could feel the presence of someone crouching in front of him…tim would keep assuming this was dick for now. because trying to think of it being anyone else was hard. the idea of it being the joker made him laugh even harder.
tim kept his eyes closed, scared he was only imagining dick. that—that if he opened his eyes? he’d see that stupid green hair, the smeared red grin. his body *really* didn’t seem to like that idea, forcing an even louder laugh from him.
“tim?”
right. his brain wouldn’t fake the comfort dick brought him, right? his older brother was his safe place…the one that actually got him. meaning it could be….him. really him. tim slowly opened his eyes, only seeing dick. his hand slowly reached out to put on tim’s shoulder.
“it’s okay, baby bird.”
he knew he reacted a bit drastically when dick tried to touch him earlier. it was just…shocking. now that he knew it was his older brother? that he was safe? he wanted nothing more than to just be held.
“pl…please..”
tim was able to get out, feeling the tears fall down his face. god, and he was *still* smiling. despite how torturous it really felt, inside and out.
tim closed his eyes again and leaned forward into dick, the laughing turning into small giggles. the small giggles accompanied by sobs. feeling dicks arms around him made him feel like—like everything would be okay.
before he could even process the fact he could breathe again, he realized he wasn’t smiling anymore….no more laughing. all that was left was the aching feeling, the feeling of his ribs feeling bruised, his throat feeling pushed past its limit, and his face still had the fading sensation of that *forced* smile. once everything felt even slightly calmer, dick finally spoke up.
“what was that?”
his voice was laced with concern. it made tim’s stomach twist. no one knew about the joker incident—no one but barbara, bruce, and alfred. when it first happened, tim begged the three of them not to tell anyone…he didn’t wanna be seen as broken. as weak. because he wasn’t! he could handle everything. back then he couldn’t even cry, it would turn into laughter and even pained screams but never…never tears.
instead of tim verbally answering, he shook his head. he didn’t—he didn’t want to have to explain this. it was all still too much right now. he couldn’t even remember what he was doing prior to the laughing attack. and the answer to that question? did tim even want to tell dick? tell all his siblings? because he knew, once dick knew…he’d want tim to tell the others. dick wouldn’t push tim to do it—never push. tim would just feel obligated to anyway, like this wasn’t something he was allowed to push away and let it stay in the past.
₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚
it felt like an intervention. like everyone in the room was convinced something was *wrong* with him. they were sitting in the living room now, and basically his entire family gathered.
tim was sitting on the couch, in the middle. on his right was cas, she insisted on leaning on him. on his left was stephaine, she held his hand. dick was standing behind the chair damian was sitting in, jason sat on the floor, and bruce sat in the bigger chair next to damian’s. babs couldn’t make it—tim assumed. she was a busy woman afterall.
the way bruce looked at him made his breath hitch. it was filled with such pity….like tim was a sad stray puppy. he didn’t like it.
“so….”
dick started, drawing out the word more than he should have, moving to lean against damian’s chair. he let out a long sigh and tim could feel the tension in the room…like no one knew what to say, but they knew they needed to say something.
“..we want what’s best for you, but we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.”
“i’m fine.”
tim quickly snapped back. he said it in a way that wasn’t confident—more so just trying to get the others off his back. jason let out a sharp laugh, humorless. one that made tim flinch and tense up. cass picked her head up from his shoulder, looking at him with concern. the look—it was filled with pity. tim didn’t need pity nor did he want it. he gave her a weak smile, trying to nonverbally say he was okay. her eyes narrowed…then she leaned on him again.
“yeah. sure. because randomly laughing yourself half to death on the floor is the universal sign of ‘fine.’”
dick sighed, turning to jason with a glare.
“what? the kid literally started cackling during a mission debriefing. people who are sane don’t do that.”
tim knew he was right. jason had very few moments where he was wrong. the only thing tim really didn’t want was to be crazy like joker—to really become joker jr. he didn’t need that, especially right now. he let out a giggle he didn’t know he was holding, the second he did steph held onto his hand tighter. he had almost forgotten she was there…the grounding action allowing him to push the laughter back.
“i…”
tim started, feeling all their eyes in him again. it felt like he had forgotten how to breathe…how to speak, how to exist, how to—focus. he took a deep breath in before continuing.
“a couple years ago, i got kidnapped by the joker.”
if the room wasn’t tense before, it was tense now. the joker had caused a lot of pain to everyone in the room…so it wasn’t too surprising. tim just had to convince himself to keep going.
“it wasn’t—it wasn’t long…not like what he did to jason..not…”
tim’s throat closed around the name, glancing at jason before looking away fast.
“but it was enough.”
no one said anything. he hated the silence. it was pressing in on him, demanding more, demanding everything.
“he… he strapped me down. kept laughing like it was a joke, like I was—like I was the punchline.”
tim’s breath hitched, and he closed his eyes. it was almost like he was there again—the laughing echoing in his ears. he *had* to keep going…to get it over with.
“said he wanted to make me into him. into his little—”
his voice cracked on the word. could he even finish it properly?
“his little junior.”
the sharp inhale from steph beside him made him want to disappear, made him wanna get up and run.
“he electroshocked me. over and over. said he liked the sound of my laugh—that it was better when I screamed and laughed at the same time.”
tim’s voice broke into a shaky half laugh, like his body was mocking him.
“guess it stuck.”
he could feel cass nuzzle in closer, steph hold on to his hand tighter. it made him feel…slightly better. that the hard part was over and they could all just be over with it.
“drake.”
those were the first words damian said since they all collected in this room. and if tim was being honest? it scared the shit out of him.
“i know what it is to be forced into someone else’s mold. to be….told who you’re supposed to be.”
damian adjusted himself in his seat, just enough for tim to really see how hard it was for him. he never spoke like this—not this…soft? damian wasn’t one for pity, tim knew this. so maybe…
“but you are still here. still you. that is the greatest insult you could ever give the joker.”
that was…that was sweet. definitely unexpected—but sweet. he hadn’t even noticed the tears that threatened to fall until he blinked, giggling and wiping them away.
“demon spawn over here is right—for once—you’re you. even with these shitty panic attacks.”
jason stated, standing up. he went over to damian and ruffled his hair, making the younger male groan in discomfort and push him away. jason snickers and tim lets the tension go.
he doesn’t have to worry anymore…no. his family cared. they wouldn’t see him any differently—even with this trauma.