Chapter Text
A lone candle sits in the middle of a table covered in a pristine white cloth, its flames licking slowly against the cool air, casting a bright orange glow to its immediate surroundings. Maloi sits still on her chair, body slumped against the seat’s backrest, eyes – as unfocused and empty as they were – staring straight at the bright flame.
She wonders idly in her mind, should she stick her hand to the flame, if it would hurt as much as her heart does right at the moment. Her gaze flitters to the clock hanging on the wall, her teeth gritting when she sees the short hand pointing perfectly north while the long hand has just passed 6.
Another half hour passes. Maloi remains seated on her chair, the candle continuing to burn, and the wax melting halfway already. Yet there is still no sign of the person that she is yearning to see. She waits for another quarter of an hour before finally – with a heavy heart – getting up from her chair.
She pauses and stares at the candle for a little while longer. The flames entice her, the bright glow beckoning for her, so she reaches a hand up and just sticks it into the fire, letting her skin burn.
There was nothing at first, just this warmth she felt against the pads of her fingers. But the warmth slowly trickles into a slow burning, and before she knew it, there’s this searing pain on her hand as she recoils from the flames.
Cradling her now injured hand against her chest, she stares at the candle that is slowly melting away into nothingness, and she could only think, with utter disappointment, how the pain is still nothing compared to the pain inside her chest.
It's with a heavy sigh that Maloi leans over the table and blows on the candle, putting out the fire and plunging the whole room into darkness. With only the light of the moon trickling from the windows as her guide, and heart weighing heavy in her chest, she shuffles back to her room.
Maloi wakes up the next morning still with a heavy heart. She reaches towards the other side of the bed, chest constricting painfully once her skin is met with the cold sheets. She feels this familiar pain in her chest, emanating from where her heart beats steadily, and slowly spreading throughout her whole being.
This isn’t the first time she’s felt like this, but she still can’t get used to the pain. She waits for the tears to fall.
She waits, lying there and staring at the ceiling, yet the tears don’t come at all.
There is nothing left but the feeling of hollowness and numbness when the pain recedes. And all Maloi can do is drag her tired body out of the bed when her alarm blares loudly against the quietness of her room. Maybe throwing herself into her work can help distract her long enough from the loneliness and the loud voices inside her head.
She goes straight to the bathroom, setting the shower to the hottest temperature after stripping off her clothes. With a sigh, she steps under the spray, letting the hot water scald her skin. It hurts. Of course it hurts. But Maloi welcomes the pain nonetheless, as her knees buckle and she slumps onto the ground, hugging her knees to her chest as her tears finally spill down her cheeks.
Half an hour later, Maloi steps out of the bedroom in her work clothes. She goes to the kitchen to grab a quick snack but she stops by the threshold, freezing in place when she sees the table. It’s still set up the way she left it last night, but the candle had melted almost all the way through.
The heaviness once again settles in her heart as she finally manages to drag her feet across the floor.
She stops by the chair she sat on the previous night, staring at the plate of untouched food as the voices return with a vengeance, louder and harsher than ever. Her knees almost buckled again, had it not been for her being able to immediately grasp onto the chair’s backseat with her fast reflexes.
It was at that exact moment when she heard the front door open. There’s some shuffling and the jingling of what she figures are keys, before the sound of footsteps softly padding against the floor gets louder and closer to where she was. The footfalls stop as a soft gasp resounds in the room, alerting Maloi of the presence of the other person, yet she refuses to turn around to look.
Drawing in a heavy breath, Maloi finally wills herself to turn around. She’s met with the sight of her girlfriend, frozen in place and a shocked expression on her beautiful face. Maloi can only smile wryly, and she pushes her legs to move, to get her out of there because her heart hurts too fucking much and it’s getting harder to breath.
Despite her desire to get away from that kitchen as fast as possible, she still finds herself pausing beside her stunned girlfriend. Maloi sees Colet’s eyes begin to water, and she feels her heart breaking even further. She’s never really liked seeing Colet cry. With shaky hands, Maloi cups the older woman's cheeks gently, leaning forward to place the lightest of kisses against the latter’s forehead.
“Happy second anniversary,” Maloi breathes out before she’s scurrying out of their apartment as fast as humanly possible, leaving a still frozen Colet behind.
When Maloi returns home that night – she snorts a bit, home, huh – she finds Colet fast asleep on the couch, donning her favorite college hoodie and hugging the white and gray panda plush toy that Maloi gave her about more than a year ago.
Colet looks so . . . so small, so vulnerable, curled up on their couch like that with nothing but Maloi’s oversized hoodie and a pair of boy shorts on, that Maloi feels a sense of protectiveness over the older girl woman over her being. Colet's not one to show her vulnerable side to just anybody, but with Maloi, she does it so naturally.
It's one of the main reasons why the latter eventually found herself falling so deeply, irrevocably in love.
Maloi makes her way to the couch, taking a seat at the edge to admire Colet’s serene sleeping face. The older woman looks so peaceful, and she’s so, so beautiful that Maloi feels her heart physically hurting, as she yearns for her girlfriend’s dark eyes to open and gaze at her lovingly once more.
Maloi reaches out, gently and lovingly sweeping back the strands of hair on Colet’s forehead. The action seems to have awoken the latter though, as the older’s eyelids start to flutter before opening slowly, gaze immediately zeroing in on her.
Maloi finds herself fighting the urge to choke the next moment, as she gets tackled into a tight bear hug by her girlfriend. Colet practically throws herself to Maloi with such force that the latter falls back against the couch with a soft ‘oomph’, her back fortunately meeting with the couch’s soft cushions.
Still a bit dazed and surprised, Maloi pushes Colet back a little by the shoulders so she could take a good look at her girlfriend. She opens her mouth, about to ask questions, but the latter doesn’t let her speak a single word as she pulls her in for a desperate kiss.
Although surprised, Maloi finds herself kissing back with equal fervor. Her body responds automatically to every touch from her girlfriend, and this time is no exception as her hands snake their way towards Colet’s hips, clutching tightly as if they’re holding on for dear life.
Colet’s hands tangle in Maloi's hair before she gently wraps them around the latter's shoulders. She holds on tightly, as if afraid that the younger would disappear should she let go. Maloi can’t help but let out a relieved sigh against her lips. It's been a while since the two of them have shared an intimate moment like this.
Despite living under the same roof and sharing a bed together, it's been long since they've been this physically close together, and Maloi finds herself getting drunk and delirious from everything that is Ma. Nicolette Vergara. Emboldened by her girlfriend’s actions, Maloi snakes her hands up between their bodies to gently cup Colet's cheeks, her touch warm and loving.
The latter immediately tenses up at the action, tearing her lips from Maloi’s as she wraps her fingers around the older’s wrists, effectively halting Maloi’s hand’s movements.
It feels a lot like a bucket of ice cold water has been dumped on Maloi’s head, as she sees the shocked look in Colet’s eyes. It's as if the older woman was just in a trance and her girlfriend’s touch was the catalyst to wake her from her daze.
Maloi wants to cry out in frustration, but she loves the older woman so much that she doesn’t. She instead grits her teeth and takes deep, calming breaths to curb her annoyance. Colet stops Maloi whenever things between the two of them get a little too intimate. And Maloi doesn’t understand why.
The familiar feelings of anger and heartbreak bubble in the pit of Maloi’s stomach. So, with a deep sigh, she gently pries her wrist from Colet’s hold and she gets up from the couch with a huff, heading straight towards the bathroom. Hot – almost scalding – showers help a great deal with distracting her from troublesome thoughts.
She figures that taking one right at that moment would be the best course for both of them. She doesn't want to say anything that could hurt Colet or start a fight. And she tends to do that whenever she's annoyed. So she walks away without saying a single word.
When Maloi finishes with her shower, she finds Colet waiting for her in their room, the older woman sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard, gaze pinned on her hands that are folded timidly on her lap. Maloi merely sighs, too tired and too hurt to deal with Colet at the moment.
Discarding her work clothes in the hamper, Maloi heads straight to her side of the bed and gets under the covers wordlessly. She turns on her side facing away from Colet, her silent way of saying that she doesn't want to talk to her just yet.
Closing her eyes, Maloi tries her best to fall asleep. She tries so damn hard to pretend that the soft, quiet sniffles from the other side of the bed don’t affect her at all.
Maloi starts going to work very early the next morning, leaving the apartment even long before the sun rises. And she doesn’t head back long after the clock inside her office hits the double digit mark – when she’s sure that Colet’s long gone to sleep. She even started sleeping on the couch since, just so she won’t wake her girlfriend up when sliding into her side of the bed.
It’s inconvenient, and it hurts her so much, ignoring her love like that. But Maloi has to do it for the sake of her own sanity. She can’t stay beside Colet, not when she constantly catches a whiff of roses instead of her girlfriend's usual lavender scent whenever she’s close by.
It makes Maloi sick.
It makes her feel suffocated.
It slowly kills her inside.
“Mary Loi? I can’t believe it. It really is you.”
Maloi tears her gaze from the sight of the two people, who have unknowingly been hurting her for the past two hours, to look at the person who just occupied the seat beside hers. Her eyes widen almost comically when she recognizes those familiar almond-shaped eyes, those high cheekbones and that cat-like grin.
It’s been too long, Maloi thinks, as she pinches herself to prove that she isn’t dreaming or imagining things. A yelp slips past her lips at the pain of her fingernails digging into her skin, and the person before her merely chuckles at her reaction.
“Hindi ka nananaginip ngayon, Loi. It really is me. Sobrang tagal na din simula nung huli tayong nagkita, ano? How have you been?”
The smile that she receives surprisingly makes Maloi’s heart skip a beat. It has always had that effect on her, and she now realizes how much she missed that smile and the person who owns that smile. She gulps, swallowing the lump that has suddenly lodged in her throat, as she raises a shaky hand to cup a warm cheek.
The other person’s smile turns soft, and Maloi is suddenly hit with a strong wave of nostalgia as the other person leans into her touch, eyes closing as a content smile settles on those thin, pink lips. Maloi’s gaze lowers to those lips – those lips that she has spent countless of times kissing and claiming in the past – and she suddenly wonders if they’re still as soft and as sweet as she remembers them.
A soft “Stacey” unconsciously falls from Maloi’s lips, what with her still in a daze as she continues to stare into those eyes that she loved getting lost into, and caressing soft cheeks she’s loved touching before. Stacey’s smile widens as she turns her head a bit to the left to plant a soft kiss on the palm of her hand.
The action, and the warmth and softness of those lips are enough to jerk Maloi from her stupor, eyes widening in shock as she quickly retracts her hand as if burned. Though the familiarity of the gesture makes warmth trickle to her heart. Stacey merely chuckles at her as the younger woman “innocently” tilts her head to the side, amusement clearly showing in those warm bright eyes.
“Glad to have you back, Miss Ricalde,” Stacey says teasingly, but Maloi is still too dumbfounded by her reaction to seeing her again to respond.
Stacey gives her a moment to gather and compose herself. And all Maloi had to do was look across the hall to where her girlfriend is currently chatting with her ex – a little too close for comfort, and a little too chummy for Maloi’s liking, but she couldn’t do anything about it lest she wants to start another meaningless fight – to forget about getting flustered from seeing her ex again five years after their breakup.
When Maloi turns to look at Stacey again, her eyes must’ve shown how hurt she was feeling because the other woman was quick to pull her in for a tight hug. The warmth and the familiarity of the hug was enough to temporarily soothe her aching soul.
“I missed you, y’know,” Stacey mutters against her hair, and Maloi just buries her face into the crook of the younger woman's neck as she wraps her arms around the latter’s waist.
“I missed you too, Staks. Sobra,” Maloi mumbles in reply as she pulls back from the hug. She smiles when Stacey reaches a hand up to boop her nose – something the girl used to do to cheer her up, all the way back when they were still together.
“So, what brings you here?” Stacey asks after a while spent in comfortable silence.
“Girlfriend duties,” is what Maloi responds with, unable to successfully mask the hurt from her voice as she gestures towards Colet who was now busy laughing merrily with Jhoanna.
Colet had always been close to Jhoanna even after she and Maloi had gotten together. Maloi knew of the ex-lovers’ past – Colet had been honest with her about it even before they started officially dating. She also knows how the two still have not really fully moved on from each other.
It was obvious from the way they looked at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, and how they would always put one another before anything and anyone else, and how much happier they seemed to be when they were together.
Maloi wasn’t blind. Stupid, maybe. And a little selfish. But definitely not blind. She’s willing to come in second, or maybe even third, in Colet’s heart so long as the girl still comes back to her at the end of the day. She just loves Colet so much.
Turning her head to look at Stacey, Maloi gets kind of surprised when she sees a similar kind of pain being reflected in the younger’s eyes. Stacey looks away from Colet and Jhoanna to look at her with eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“You too, huh?” Stacey comments with a shaky voice, and the weight behind those words doesn’t escape Maloi as her brows furrowed in confusion.
Stacey merely gestures towards Colet and Jhoanna again, muttering a soft ‘girlfriend duties’ under her breath, and she doesn't have to say anything more for Maloi to understand. The latter’s eyes widened as she looked at Stacey, shocked at the revelation.
Just what kind of twisted fate is this? Maloi couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all while Stacey just looked at her like she’s grown another head. When she finally calms down, she sends a wry smile the younger woman's way before she turns around so that she’s facing the latter, leaning her forehead against the latter’s bare shoulder.
“Bakit parang ang malas malas naman nating dalawa, Staks?” Maloi asks – mumbles – against Stacey’s skin. “Bakit ba palaging tayong dalawa na lang yung nasasaktan?”
Maloi feels fingers brushing through her hair, and it’s enough to calm her down a bit. She hears Stacey sigh again, before a gentle kiss is pressed against the side of her head.
“Can’t we just go back in time?” Maloi asks in near desperation when Stacey doesn’t answer. “Back when we were still happy? Together? With each other? Pagod na pagod na akong masaktan, Staks. Ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para maging masaya?”
Stacey feels something wet against her shoulder so she wraps her arms snugly around Maloi’s waist, the gesture all too familiar and comforting, and one that the both of them have missed so much. She wonders too, asks herself the same questions her first love has asked.
They have known each for eight years before the breakup. They first met when Stacey was only thirteen, began dating when she turned eighteen, and went their separate ways when she was twenty-three. According to the people around them, they were the perfect couple. They were perfect for each other.
What they had was beautiful and unforgettable and is something that Maloi would forever treasure in her heart – remembering the love and memories they shared together. But things are different now. The circumstances have changed, five long years have passed since they last saw each other, and now their hearts already belong to other people.
Stacey turns her head to the side once more to press another kiss to the side of Maloi’s head, effectively calming the older woman. She makes the mistake of glancing towards the direction where her girlfriend was. And her heart almost putters to a stop when she sees Colet and Jhoanna staring at her and Maloi, both with brows drawn together as they looked inquisitively at her and Maloi’s intimate position. The pair’s lips are drawn into a frown.
Stacey can’t find it in herself to care though, her heart too weary and tired from hurting all night watching Jhoanna and Colet dancing around their true feelings for each other. She closes her eyes, leaning her head against Maloi’s, missing the way Jhoanna’s jaw clenches and Colet’s grip on her purse tightens until her knuckles turn white.