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It wasn't that Sasha hated her.
It wasn't that.
She hated everyone at that moment but her.
She hated Eteri, Daniil, and Sergei for letting her down, for promising her gold if she worked her ass off for her whole life, the judges for underestimating her, the commentators for calling her dramatic, the cameramen for constantly keeping their cameras on her even though all she wanted at the time was for them to stop recording her. She also hated Nathan for doing five quads like her and winning. She hated literally everyone. But not her.
Not Anna.
She couldn't.
Can you hate someone who was (still is) most important to you?
Can you hate someone you loved (still love)?
Sasha couldn't.
It's also possible that Sasha hated no one but herself.
She didn't hate her coaches; she was just furious with them for lying to her.
She didn't hate the judges; she was just angry at herself for not landing that triple axel.
She didn't hate the commentators; she just despised them for commenting on her emotions, which she had every right to feel.
She didn't hate the cameramen; no, in fact, she really hated them.
And she didn't hate Nathan either; she was just jealous that she had a harder freeskate, landed all the five quads just like him, and still lost.
She hated herself because she hadn't worked hard enough, because she hadn't practiced the triple axel as often as she could have, because she let the pressure crush her, because she hadn't switched from a triple axel to a double axel in her short, because she'd stepped on her quad landing, because maybe she'd drank or eaten too much, because she hadn't demanded a more artistic choreography, because maybe she'd slept too much, because she'd been overconfident.
She had many reasons to hate herself.
But Anna?
So what if she won the gold?
It wasn't her fault, she was just doing the best she could. And it wasn't like Sasha didn't want to be even a little angry with her, oh, she really did. But she couldn't. She could never hate her.
And she sat there on the ice rink for hours, staring at the rink, hoping that maybe she'd go back in time, or that it would all be a dream.
It didn't.
Something creaked slightly, but Sasha didn't move. She had no strength. She'd never felt so weak.
She hated being weak.
Perhaps she heard footsteps and subconsciously ignored them, or perhaps she was too exhausted to hear them.
Right next to her, she heard another, much quieter creaking.
She didn't have to turn around to know.
Anya grabbed her hand and, without saying a word, squeezed it gently.
Sasha simply rested her head on her shoulder and snuggled into it. They didn't know how long they sat there; neither of them even looked at their watches or phones, neither spoke, enveloped in the silence and cold of the ice rink.
Sasha finally raised her head and spoke. "I love you, and since that hasn't changed today, it's unlikely it will."
Anna smiled slightly, as if she couldn't resist. "That's good, because I love you too; you're the most important to me." Sasha's head rested on Anna's shoulder again.
Perhaps Sasha didn't hate herself either, perhaps she was simply angry, disappointed, devastated, sad, and frustrated, perhaps she was simply overwhelmed by the situation she found herself in, as anyone in her position would be. But everyone thought she shouldn't behave like that. So what if it was supposed to be her private moment of suffering? Everyone ignored her, took away the last shreds of privacy, and still held a grudge.
Sasha felt like her world had just crumbled, and everyone blamed her for crying, as if she had no right to. Kamila could have cried because she did badly, because she tested positive for doping and her entire career was going to hell, because she was a little younger.
So why couldn't Sasha?
Why didn't she have the right to experience her emotions?
Why was everyone so angry about her reactions to a situation they had partially caused?
Why the hell did she have to be the bad guy in all of this?
But Anya wasn't angry with her; she understood her, and she didn't hold it against her, even though Sasha hadn't approached her and congratulated her.
Anya simply was, no matter what happened.
And if Sasha ever had to choose between Anna and that stupid gold medal, she would choose Anna.
She would always choose her.
Anya.