Chapter Text
Life has always been a cruel one. Everyone fights for an equal chance to survive, to have the privilege of living like a normal human being. Everyday feels like a battlefield, but you are someone who doesn't even have an armor on or any weapon to protect yourself from any harm. You were pushed into that place without any prior knowledge, nor even proper guidance from the people in charge because people expected you to know everything— they have placed a heavy burden on your shoulder called trust that you can do it, and that you can fend for yourself. Yet they have missed the true complexity of human life, that no one was bound to be left all alone in the darkness, no one bothered to comprehend the intrinsic value of being able to breathe while doing all at once.
Philosophies and theories are everywhere, yet nothing helps to truly understand what is the reason for one's existence; is it to live freely or be with a purpose? A question that will indeed make an individual ponder for quite some time.
This is exactly how Lee Sangwon felt when everything he had been working hard for was crushed right in front of him— the way that the people in power denied him of his dreams, the way that everyone refused to give him the chance to shine like everybody else. He was truly happy that finally after so many years, he will be able to stand on stage and show the people his performance and make them happy. Yet just in an instant, the light he was being led on disappeared without even a trace.
When Trainee A got formed, he was over the moon. Everyone around him was ecstatic to know that after waiting for a long time, they now have the chance to debut and perform in front of everyone. After training for six years, he finally got the chance to be in a lineup. Seeing many people supporting them, he was so happy. It was really a fever dream for them, a diamond found in a cave, a planet finally revolving around a star. But he noticed the cracks in their dreams that showed them the true reality of no one was truly backing them up, and they are just there for the sake of nothing. The members started leaving one by one and the least thing he wanted to see is witnessing the person he is closest to the most choosing to step down for the sake of everyone and to prioritize his mental health, he was the heart of their group too. Seeing the core of their team leaving even if they had begged him to stay but to no avail, he was just truly lost. What followed was the end of their team, an abrupt end that no one anticipated, an ending that the adults deemed deserving for a group of teenagers like them who have yet to prove something. Truly, the life of a trainee is a never-ending cycle that leaves them with no security if they would debut or not.
Sangwon felt his whole world fall down and crumble on his feet.
After everything, he just completely gave up and lost hope. He lost the meaning behind his life and the true purpose of the seven years he wasted that got demolished because the adults failed them.
Everyone failed them.
The system failed them.
He doesn't know what is the true meaning of his life now that all of the blood, sweat, and tears that he sacrificed were actually meaningless— it was never meant to be something permanent because everything is just an aspiration of his, an ambition that was never meant to come true.
He worked tirelessly everyday, serving people in a way he didn't want to, a way that wasn't even in his original plan to do. Completely annihilating the reason why he is still here, removing the passion he once had as he aspires to be an idol that everyone adores. But his love for music never disappeared, it was something he could never erase in his system because at the end of the day, he is still craving for the fire that can burn his skin, the fire that could ignite his sparks, the fire that shows his resolve in the world.
Eventually, he released some music in his SoundCloud, making his fans listen to it nonstop as they admire his love for the art of music that never dissipated even after everything.
Joining a survival show wasn't on his plans, yet his closest friend, his confidant, his platonic soulmate, and one of the people in his life that helped everything to be tolerable, told him that he wants to debut with him together. Leo never gave up on his dreams as an idol despite what has transpired and when he chose to step down for a while, yet Sangwon chose to end it all after being given a false hope because it devastated him a lot. But even after all this, Leo still wanted to be with him in a group after a long period of time. They decided to sign under an agency and eventually auditioned for Mnet’s second season of Boys Planet, hence why he is here once again to chase his dreams he has long forgotten.
Leo became the primary reason why he wanted to try again, aside from his own internal desires.
On the day of the Planet Day event held for the Boys II Planet trainees to meet with their fans, he unexpectedly saw a Chinese man who's both handsome and kind. He exudes the warm light of the sun with how bright he shines and his smile that could significantly heal a person's bad day. He was the epitome of sunshine— with the waves of his arms extending like the rays and the way he brings himself to everyone is filled with happiness. He couldn't take his eyes off of him, hence why he would steal glances from time to time.
When a sudden change happened and the two planets that were supposed to cater two different worlds collided, he was stunned to see them all after the curtains dropped but what picked his curiosity the most is that the once bright-looking and sunny trainee is now the one who owns the most grimaced look. His eyes were devoid of light, you can't see anything but just pure darkness. He is empty.
The way that they have lesser trainees than the K-Planet speaks about how much they have suffered on the other side. They also had it rough, but maybe they had it even harsher knowing that this is Mnet and that the industry isn't exactly kind to non-Korean trainees. He knew all of them were bound to break at some point but he didn't expect for that man to collapse as early as that point.
After announcing the mission and with Yumeki starting to choose the members he wants to be with, he chose the man named Zhou Anxin first, it was the same person he mentally took notes off ever since he saw him. All of his close friends, including Leo, were chosen and he's the only one who was yet to be called so when he heard his name lastly, his knees felt weak and immediately fell to the ground before running to be with his new teammates for the first mission.
Everyone was introducing themselves to Anxin as he's the only C-Planet trainee in their group and is also the signal song center. His title indeed made everyone slightly intimidated but still happy enough to finally meet the person who completed the performance of the Chinese version of the signal song, the trainee who unified all of their dreams in one and flew to fight for it.
“You can just call me Xin for short.” Anxin stated, a bit shy.
Leo hyped him up when he noticed he was getting shy.
Xin. God.
Everyone stared at Sangwon briefly and Anxin chuckled, he didn't know he blurted that out so loud so he hid his face on his knees in embarrassment.
Anxin is indeed a very talented person, he excels in everything and even pulls off the main vocal parts like it's just his breakfast of the day. Sangwon was amazed and somehow reminded him of himself when he was just kickstarting his life as an idol-in-the-making. Everything that Anxin does became a constant reminder to him how he started off vibrantly until everything became gray for him, devoid of his dreams, like he didn't know what to do anymore. He had this inclination to be close with him even more and to protect his smile from the damnation brought by the industry. Sangwon didn't want Anxin to feel what he felt before but he didn't know how to act upon it.
Until the interim check with the mentor happened, he got scolded that he didn't quite look like the center and even got compared to Anxin. Then after the trainees graded their performance as part of checking, he surprisingly became the last in their team with Anxin often placing first. Waves of worries and dark memories started flocking his mind, he was unable to concentrate as he felt inadequate enough for the role. He thought he couldn't do it so he approached Junseo, Leo, and Yumeki to tell them that he doesn't feel confident to do the killing part anymore and considered giving it to Anxin. But even with his worries, his teammates still chose to believe him and his skills and tell him encouraging words.
Yet he still feels bothered by this even after the discussion with the cores of their performance. Anxin noticed how he looked down after everything and cheered him up. He knew his heart skipped after seeing him for the first time, but Anxin consoling Sangwon was the least thing he expected. He thought Anxin would want to use this opportunity to become the center but he didn't, he instead approached him in a playful yet gentle manner.
Anxin came to him like a beam of light, ready to hug all of his worries off. He was like the sun and Sangwon was the sunflower yearning for its warmth. He was the incarnation of Haemosu in Sangwon’s eyes, the God of Sun in South Korea’s folktales— a dignified, perseverant, courageous, and loving husband to his wife, Lady Yuhwa. He clothed Sangwon’s heart filled with pain and regret with love and happiness, thus making every step towards his dreams bearable. He made the once thorny path flowery, Anxin made it breathable. He wanted to protect Anxin’s smile from all forms of darkness, yet Anxin was the one who brought peace slowly in his life.
Sangwon doesn't run out of ways to explain how Anxin made a huge shift in his life but he couldn't explain it in words anymore. He did hear that Anxin grew up in a relatively strict yet loving family who understood his wants and needs, a family that supported him no matter what. This explains why Anxin is filled with love and that he can extend this love with everyone around him.
Their closeness remained intact, even after not being part of the same team in the second mission, they took care of each other. Leo saw how his best friend looked more glowy and happy after being close with Anxin and he's glad that he finally found someone with whom he shares a bond that no one could explain in a blind eye. It's been a while since he saw him smile like his whole world was free from any problems, his eyes were shining like the stars.
He was away from the dark that enveloped his whole life after giving up.
Sangwon knew what song Anxin would be performing in their second mission and he knew the backstory of it yet hearing it live and being sung by people who shared the same struggles as him made him feel sentimental.
“When you’re suffering, just look at Anxin and relax. I'll give you a hug~“ Anxin introduced himself in his naturally cheerful voice.
Just right when the performance started, Sangwon already felt his tears swelling up in his lids. Gyehyeon’s piano opening hit like home, it felt like something was lulling him to sleep and as soon as he started singing, he was struck by the reality he had submerged in the deepest trenches of his heart. Anxin's voice tugged his sleeves and quietly hummed comfort in his ears. The way Kangmin poured his entire soul while singing, it just made everything more heartfelt. Throughout the performance, Sangwon was definitely hit by an unwelcomed melancholia. His heart grew even more attached. The way the team sang surely made him feel seen and reassured and just like what Anxin said earlier, he felt solaced and consoled by their unearthly voices.
After the performance, he was asked to be interviewed as he is one of the trainees who got affected the most by the song. As he went inside, the sadness had yet to dissipate and it showed in the camera.
“I definitely felt hugged.” He uttered, expressing his deep feelings and understanding towards the song.
Several performances happened after Breathe and the emotions were still there with him even after. Anxin showed him a reassuring smile when they went inside to see their individual scores even while feeling stressed about his own good too.
None of the teams of the Top 5 from the previous elimination won, with Like Jennie team even tying up with Tambourine team made Sangwon feel extremely disappointed with himself. All of them felt sad, but he was putting way more pressure on himself as the killing part. He couldn't bring the team to triumph and he was regretful to witness his team in shambles as there's a lot of his members that are on the verge of elimination. He somewhat felt responsible but suddenly, Sangwon remembered one of the lines in the Breathe performance.
“You really did a good job.” A line started by Anxin, followed by a harmony of all three of them.
When the filming ended and all the trainees got the chance to take a few days off, Anxin went to his and Chingyu’s room as Chingyu went out to eat with Yumeki and the others.
Anxin quietly opened the door halfway through and pushed his head inside to peek if someone was inside. When he saw Sangwon standing there while holding his book and about to sit on his bed, he quickly pushed the door, completely opening it and welcomed himself inside, waving hello and smiling brightly.
Sangwon nodded to acknowledge his presence and waved back with the book in his hands.
“You're gonna read again? Don't you get tired? I mean, it's already night time and reading in the dark isn't exactly good, y’know!” Anxin chirped, making his way to Sangwon's bed naturally and sat down, his knees on his chest.
Sangwon felt his heart warm up yet again. Every time he sees Anxin, his day brightens and every moment he spends with Anxin is enough to ease his worries away. He knows he has been redundant with how he expresses Anxin’s effect but there are just no words that would suffice to completely understand it.
“Yeah, you know that reading helps me to calm down a lot and it also relaxes me. It helps to fall asleep too.” He responded, opening the book to where he left off and sat beside Anxin.
The room felt unusually cold so Anxin took Sangwon’s blanket and covered themselves with it, warming up their bodies against the coldness.
Sangwon felt the shivers down his spine, “Chingyu set the temperature too high again. That kid likes it to be icy cold here.” He said, his words becoming a bit sluggish due to the cold.
Anxin isn't exactly that cold since he's used to it but Sangwon on the other hand, never got used to the freezing temperature of Seoul despite his favorite day of the year being one of the times where the cold could really bother you a lot.
Anxin stood up and raised the temperature to make it less cold, “There, I think that's better for you now!” He said, going back to his seat beside Sangwon but he got closer to him as he put the blankets over them once again.
“Thank you, Xin-ie. You're always there for me.” Sangwon said, unfeigned.
Anxin chuckled, he casually wrapped his arms around Sangwon’s shoulders like he was destined to do it to which the older appreciated. He closed his book and placed it on his lap, then he brought down all of his weight and put his head on Anxin's arms, finally relaxing fully, releasing everything from his body.
Slowly, but surely, Anxin’s arms went straight down to his waist, hugging Sangwon halfway as the older’s head rested on his shoulders. Fixing the previous position they are in, this is their most comfortable position and the one that makes Sangwon feel safe and sound.
“I will always be here for you, Awon-gege. Nothing will change even if we get separated by different groups.” Anxin replied, his voice low and genuine.
He closed his eyes as Anxin slowly patted his head while humming Breathe by Lee Hi, helping Sangwon to finally fall asleep after several days of sleepless nights due to their previous mission.
His Leo-hyung is the person who became one of the major reasons why he wanted to try again.
This survival show became the outlet for him to finally be able to showcase the talent he was forced to hide after a long time.
His teammates became part of his growth as a trainee.
Anxin became the reason why he was able to breathe after everything. He found solace, he found home.
He breathed in Anxin's heart.