Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dazai Osamu is a certified loner. At his 'big' age of 27 years old, for once he feels alone. He has a sloppy 9 - 5, an alcohol problem and a 3 month old nameless baby. Even in his teenage years (which was a very questionable time in his life) he at least had girls around him or people who would talk to him - even if it was just for help on a question. He's absolutely miserable.

Coming back from work was most definitely the worst part of his day, which was questionable as he didn't sleep all night, missed his bus, slept through a meeting, got bullied by the rain and lost the lottery for the hundredth time. As soon as he opens the door, he is hit by the stench of alcohol and the shrill sound of his baby crying. It's the pure sound of a lack of control.

Dazai never imagined himself being a single father and he was never more ashamed. He always remembers his time at his childhood home, the not fun times, where he would shove a pillow on his face, hide in his wardrobe and cry and he made a promise that he'd never be as bad as his parents. He throws his coat on his bottle infested couch and makes his way to his room. He is met with big, teary, blue eyes and his heart partially shatters. Dazai's child, obviously, had her mother's eyes and they pierce through his heart with a 'this is what happens when you're reckless' dagger.

He picks her up and sits on the bed, shushing her as she crys on her father's jumper. He's a shitty dad and he knows it. Dazai's trying, somewhat, but he is exhausted and so unprepared for everything. He doesn't even know what formula to give his child. Dazai frowns. His life was ruined from the day his family cut him off but he knew better than to let that happen to his child. That's what he hopes. And Dazai is aware he has problems and they're tearing him apart. All he needs is stability - stability for him and his daughter.

He puts his baby to bed and searches for cheap babysitter's who would take a child as young as his. Dazai searches for hours until he finally finds someone's number. He is in absolutely no mood to call them so he texts the babysitter and sends over his details.

Dazai rolls over in his bed, still in his work clothes, when he hears a buzz from his phone. It's the babysitter. Their name is Chuuya and they say that they're able to come over tomorrow. How desperate. He thinks nothing of it and buries his face in his pillow. At least he will have a little support.

Well, that's what he thought.

Chapter Text

For once in quite a long time, Dazai has a decent rest. He knows that 4 hours is nowhere near enough sleep for a grown man but he has done much worse when he was younger. At least he's improving. He wakes up before the sun rises and drags himself over to his bathroom mirror. Dazai always knew that he was attractive but for the past few days his hair has been looking disgraceful and terribly greasy. It is duller as well, although his hair is already dark. He hates it. Dazai's mother always said that he looked more like his father every day. He feels and looks disgusting and he knows that he has no motivation to change that or even go shower any time soon. Dazai splashes water on his face and for a moment - a very short moment - he thinks about drowning. He has these dark thoughts every once in a while where he envisions a perfect suicide. He scoffs, 'perfect' and 'suicide' always sounded so good in his head yet so unfulfilling. These thoughts consumed him when he was younger and he craved it more than he craved being with his family. Was that the reason? Did Dazai get cut off due to the blatant ignorance he showed to his family? If so, that was the most ironic piece of shi-

Dazai hears a knock on the door. Must be the babysitter. He dries his face and comes up with a plan. When he meets the babysitter he will flaunt his beauty and humor in hopes to win her heart. Then he will date her (as soon as possible) so then he can have some support with his child without having to pay. It's a fool-proof plan. He goes back to his bedroom and puts on the same work clothes from yesterday, a stripped blue shirt, a dark grey jumper and tan trousers. He feels boring and he looks boring and knows that if he wants the babysitter to even consider him, he has to change his hair. Dazai pushes it over so that the majority is on one side. Does he look ridiculous? Yes. Can you see his greasy roots? Absolutely. Is this what women like to see? Hopefully. On his way to the door, he slings his bag over his shoulder. Dazai opens the door to greet the babysitter and 

Oh.

The first thing he notices is that the babysitter is a guy, a short guy with bright, long hair. It's a guy - and there goes Dazai's plan. The babysitter's hair is unruly and it surrounds his face so imperfectly, like sunset hues bleeding into the sky's rosy embrace. His hair looks like a storm so chaotic yet so beautiful blindingly obvious yet so blindingly mysterious. His eyes are two different colours one is blue like the sea glistening under the sun's light and the other is brown like a sweet coffee in the middle of autumn. Dazai thinks a stupid thought, the sunset is a person. And he is taking Dazai's breath away. Fuck. What's he doing?

"You're Dazai, right?"

Dazai's mind is blank. The babysitter has this melodic voice and it's soft, not so deep but also soothing.

"The one with the 3 month old baby?"

Fuck. What is he thinking?

"Yeah, I'm sorry... just tired." he says, picking at his sleeves.

The babysitter smiles and Dazai swears he may be drooling.

"Can I come in?"

 "Of course", he curses himself in his head, What an idiot, "What's your name, again?"

"It's Chuuya." The babysitter - Chuuya - answers confidently, "Nice to meet you."

Dazai stares at him. He sounds genuine, too genuine, so genuine to the point where Dazai feels smothered.

"Nice to meet you too." He shakes Chuuya's gloved hand, and finally snaps back to his not very sharp senses.

"I better go to work now. Erm- my daughter is still asleep in my room and if you need anything just call me."

Fuck. A part of Dazai wants to run as far away from the babysitter as possible but another part of him wants to stay with him forever. Why?

If he can describe Chuuya with three words, it will be short, genuine and pretty a guy.

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If Chuuya can describe Dazai with three words, it will be lazy, dirty and broke. Seriously, the moment he is left alone it takes him minutes to figure out what he's going to do with Dazai's mess. His case isn't rare, Chuuya has babysat multiple kids where their parents couldn't provide for them or themselves and would throw themselves down a route of debt and depression. (However he's never seen anyone flaunt their greasy hair.) There's varoius baby foods on the living room floor so at least he knows Dazai is trying but maybe he just needs more support. Chuuya manoeuvres through the empty and half empty bottles scattered throughout his apartment. An alcohol addiction also isn't rare - it is a sign of social withdrawal, a sign of emotional fatigue and it's obviously excluding Dazai from paying the right attention to his child.

Finally, Chuuya leans over the crib to see the baby now awake. Dazai's room really isn't the appropriate space for a child to be. It's cluttered, reeks of alcohol and the kid's crib is being used as a makeshift clothing rack. Chuuya focuses on the baby. She's quiet and small with big blue eyes, which Dazai definitely doesn't have, and dark brown hair. They watch each other for a while before the baby raises her hand and tugs on Chuuya's stray strand of hair. He chuckles and picks her up, "Your idiot dad is gonna end me with his mess, y'know?"

The baby coos. The innocence of a human child has always been fascinating to Chuuya. His lip twitches and his expression is somewhere between a sad smile and a look of regret.

"Don't tell him I said that."

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Dazai is practically crawling up the stairs up to his apartment after work. He doesn't consider himself that unfit but the elevator has to break down the day when he works over time and he is forced to climb up 4 sets of stairs. He doesn't even stop by the small store in front of the apartment block to buy alcohol, partially because he received his salary today and partially because he has plenty of unfinished bottles at home (and minorly to impress a red-head). Dazai is dreading coming back because although Chuuya seems keen, he knows at the end of the day he has to pay him and probably never see him again. He sighs - but then again he did want to seduce the babysitter who just happens to be a guy.

He opens the door and he is attacked by the smell of flowers. What on earth? His apartment is clean, not like 'a little decluttering' clean , but it looks like a showroom clean. There are no bottles anywhere and Dazai is finally able to see the colour of his carpet. An old cartoon plays quietly on his TV and Dazai gets a glimpse of a life he and his daughter can have, where he is free from debt and free to watch shows with her instead of gambling and drinking. It's a pitiful thing to dream about and Dazai knows he can’t change - he can’t. Tearing his eyes from the TV, he goes over to his bedroom. There, he sees Chuuya on his armchair, with his daughter sleeping in his arms. Dazai has never thought about how attractive a man would look with a baby - not that he is now - and wished that he could see this every day. 

"Hey, how was work?"

Even though he spoke with a hushed voice, Chuuya's intrigue matches one of a child and it makes Dazai feel like the most important person in the world.

"It was fine," he whispers back.

The babysitter smiles softly before placing the baby in the crib and signaling to Dazai to come outside. He leans against the wall, gloved hands his pockets, with a neutral face. Dazai has a moment to see the babysitter closer, his long eyelashes and his hair, now tied into a messy braid. Why does Dazai care about this? There's a silence amongst them and then they hear a beeping sound come from the kitchen. Well that moment is over, Dazai thinks and Chuuya walks over to the kitchen, whatever moment that was. He follows the red-head to the kitchen and he sees him stirring the most delicious looking pasta ever. Maybe that's a bit much because Dazai has gone to 5-star Italian restaurants countlessly and had their pasta yet the small burns on the bottom of the pan feels more authentic and... human. 

"That looks nice." he says, stupidly. Of course it looks nice, idiot.

"Thanks, it's for you."

Dazai gives him a confused look and Chuuya snorts.

"This morning you left the house without eating breakfast."

"I could've bought something on the way to work, you know?"

"But you didn't, did ya?"

Silence.

"I'm probably guessing that you didn't have anything for lunch either."

More silence.

"And my ultra deduction tells me, if I wasn't here, you would've had a bottle of alcohol for your dinner."

Deafening silence. Chuuya has a very victorious grin on his face and Dazai has never felt so out 'smart-ass-ed' in his life.

"So, this is for your dinner and your lunch tomorrow."

What is his problem? "Why are you doing this?"

Chuuya shrugs, "Because you're lazy, broke and in serious need of some domestic support."

Dazai blinks blankly and Chuuya is really considering shaking sense into him.

"I'm gonna help you get through whatever deep shit you're in. And for now, you don't need to worry about paying me."

That's exactly what Dazai needs to hear. Before he can express anything to the babysitter, a gloved finger is at his lips. "I'm not doing this so that you can just lounge around because if you wanna improve your kid's life then you have to start by improving yours."

Dazai allows Chuuya's words to cut deep into his skin, because he knows he is right - he just doesn't know if he is able to do it. He remembers his promise to his daughter and in the light of reality it just seems like another fleeting dream. Chuuya tells him about a number of things to do and to drop i.e. his addictions. There's something comforting behind his reasons which Dazai can’t figure out why. How can someone be this passionate about helping others?

Chuuya wraps up his tangent with a proud smile and Dazai is overwhelmed. He doesn't even know how long the babysitter has been talking for until he sees an empty plate of pasta in front of him. Chuuya gets up from the dining table and turns back to look at Dazai, "I'm not trynna spook you into repentance. It's sad seeing people like you go down an inescapable path."

"People like me?"

Chuuya nods once, "Those who don't want others to help them."

Dazai swallows audibly, is it that obvious?

"I'm gonna come earlier tomorrow, is that okay?"

"Yeah, thanks, Chuuya."

His name slips from his mouth like a love confession and Dazai catches himself being excited to see him again. Why? Chuuya's a guy. As the babysitter makes his way to the door, he stops to look at Dazai.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"You have a family, right? Why don't they support you?"

Oh. Chuuya's intention behind the question seems to be pure yet the mere subject of his parents makes Dazai want to claw his skin off. Your life is worthless without us, Osamu.

"My parents weren't happy with the way I was living my life so they cut me off when I was 18."

Chuuya's expression remains neutral even though he is much more affected than he's letting on."I'm so sorry."

Again, Chuuya's genuineness tightens around Dazai like thick bubble wrap - as if it can protect him from everything and anything. "It's fine, really."

It isn't but the babysitter looks conflicted and Dazai doesn't want to make his problem anyone else's. Chuuya nods and Dazai isn't sure if that nod is meant for him or for a personal reflection, "I'll see you tomorrow, Dazai."

He smiles as the babysitter says that, "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

Chuuya leaves and Dazai is looking at the door like an idiot. He can’t describe whatever he feels towards the babysitter because it's somewhere between fear and yearning. How can he yearn for a man?