Work Text:
After her day of death, I thought about dying. Leaving. Drowning. Did you know it can take as little as three minutes and two inches of water to drown if you're facing down? I did. Maybe pulling the trigger, ending it in less than the time it takes to blink.
Today was a hell of a day, and it’s not one I’ll forget anytime soon. Lucy... I can't shake the image of her, pale and lifeless, from my mind. It was like my worst nightmare was coming true right before my eyes.
I remember standing on that bridge at 0200 three weeks afterwards, staring down into the water, knowing that every second counted. I could hear her voice in my head, joking about some random thing, and, honestly? The thought of that being gone forever was like a punch to the gut.
I’ve always been hard on her. I thought that was the best way to keep her safe, to make sure she was prepared for anything. But seeing her like that, it hit me just how much she’s become a part of my life. She’s not just another rookie to me anymore.
I’ve seen a lot of things in my career, things that make you question why you signed up for this hellish job in the first place. But today was different. Today, I realized that no matter how tough I try to be, there are some things you can’t prepare for. Losing her would have been one of those things.
Lucy’s strong, stronger than she knows. I see it in the way she handles herself, even when things get tough. But today, she was the one who needed saving, and I was almost too late. The thought of losing her... It's unbearable.
I need to tell her that. I need to let her know that she’s more than just my trainee. She’s my partner, my friend, and I can’t afford to lose her. Not now, not ever.
In the end, I didn’t jump. I climbed back down, walked back home, and got in bed. Went to work the next morning, like always. Like I hadn’t just tried to jump off a bridge and kill myself. I wasn’t sure if anyone I knew saw me that close to the edge that night, but I hope not.
For now, I’m here to stay. Another day, another shift, another moment with her.
Bradford out.