Work Text:
Like the vast majority of the population, Maloi learned about the Hanahaki disease in school. There was a special program in their fifth grade where professionals took the time to make sure that all of them know what Hanahaki is, its effects, its causes, and all the possible ways to treat it.
Maloi remembers how the thought of flowers blooming in her lungs and vines growing around her heart spooked her. But still, in those moments and in the years that came after, Hanahaki remained a mere concept to her. No one in her immediate circle, and not even herself, have really experienced the disease. So Maloi remained oblivious to the real horrors of Hanahaki, blissfully unaware of the wreck and devastation it can leave behind.
That is, until she met Jhoanna Robles.
Jhoanna Christine Robles was, to put it simply, the moon to Mary Loi Yves Ricalde’s sun.
Jhoanna was, like Maloi, an existence that brought light upon the people around her. But whereas Maloi was a buzzing ball of energy who elicited genuine smiles and provided warmth to the people who interact with her, Jhoanna was a constant, solid, and soothing presence who provided comfort wherever she went.
But it's not to say that she's not lively as well. Because Jhoanna, in all her maturity despite her age, had always been able to match Maloi's energy and vibes. That's also on top of her being able to make everything in Maloi's life slow down whenever the older woman is feeling overwhelmed by anything and everything around her.
Jhoanna was, and always will be, the fire that kept Maloi's light burning bright.
They met in high school, when Jhoanna was a mere lanky freshman whilst Maloi was the sophomore who everyone adored. Under normal circumstances, their paths wouldn't have crossed at that point in their lives. But Maloi and Jhoanna shared a passion for music which led to the two of them joining their high school's music club. Maloi had already been a member for a year by then. And Jhoanna, having debated whether to join or not up to the very last moment, came rushing into the club room when it was only Maloi who remained.
Maloi will never forget the sight of Jhoanna that day for as long as she lives.
Jhoanna barged into that room like she barged into Maloi’s life - awkward, stuttering, but with a fire in her eyes that burned brightly with conviction. She was so utterly adorable that the older girl had to stop herself from reaching out and just pinching at her cheeks.
Maloi, absolutely smitten, decided to stay with Jhoanna for a few extra minutes back then to help the younger girl fill up her club application.
From that day onward, Maloi made the effort to spend some time with the younger girl everyday, no matter how closed off and standoffish Jhoanna had been from the start. Still, like puzzle pieces meant to fit with each other, it was destined for Maloi and Jhoanna to be a part of each other's lives.
Over time, ‘Maloi’ became ‘Maloi and Jhoanna’ as the duo found themselves stuck at the hips whenever their schedules would allow. Other students, teachers, and even the staff at their high school often referred to them as a collective, as they were rarely seen without each other. Maloi brought Jhoanna out of her shell and taught the younger girl to live her life to the fullest. In exchange, Jhoanna taught Maloi how to slow down and appreciate all the little things life had to offer.
They were a perfect match, one's yin to the other's yang. And everyone around thought the two of them were, at one point or another, bound to fall in love.
Maloi thought so too. For a while, that is.
She knew she loved Jhoanna so. The younger girl was the person she chose herself. The person she chose to trust the most. They spent countless nights by each other's side, sharing all of their hopes and dreams and fears under the blanket of stars. Maloi knew Jhoanna the best, much like how the younger girl knew her like the back of her hand. And whenever she would look at Jhoanna's face and her dazzling smile, Maloi's chest felt like it would burst with the love she has for the other girl.
But though she can imagine a future with Jhoanna in it, Maloi can never see a future with herself building a life with the younger girl. And that was when Maloi realized that even though she loved Jhoanna with all of her heart and soul, she's not in love with the other girl.
“Naniniwala ka ba sa soulmates?”
Maloi, who's busy taking out their container of snacks from her bag, looks up at Jhoanna with brows furrowed in confusion. The other girl isn't even looking at her - Jhoanna has her legs spread out on the mat they lay together on top of the grass, leaning back against her arms as she looks up at the night sky with a look akin to longing in her eyes.
“Remember how I told you na I lost my parents the year before we met?” Jhoanna asks again before Maloi could even respond to her first question.
Realizing that this is one of the rare moments where Jhoanna is opening a bit of herself up more to her, Maloi sets the bag aside to solely focus on her best friend. When Jhoanna turns her head to look at her, Maloi feels her heart clench inside her chest when she sees the sadness looming in the other girl’s eyes. Unable to find her voice under Jhoanna's intense gaze, Maloi could only nod her head in response.
“Kanina, I finally had the courage to enter their room again after three long years. I…”
Jhoanna's voice quivers a little, and she takes a moment to pause and recenter herself. Maloi remains mum, choosing instead to observe and feeling her heart hurt at the vulnerability being displayed right in front of her.
“Mikha's parents hired caretakers who looked after the house in my stead. Kaya hindi na ko nagtaka na malinis yung bahay pagpasok ko. But the moment I stepped foot inside their room, I wanted to turn around almost immediately and run as far away as possible. Their room looks exactly the same as the last night I spent with them. Walang pinagbago. Na para bang hindi sila umalis. God, it hurt so much kasi pinaalala lang sakin na wala na sila talaga.”
Silent tears started streaming down Jhoanna's cheeks, and Maloi wanted to pull her into her arms and hold her tight enough to maybe at least put her broken pieces back together. But she knows that at instances like this, Jhoanna needs to be given her space until she's reaching out herself.
“Nakita ko yung journal ni mama sa drawer ng nightstand nila. She wrote a lot of things there. Happy things. Funny things. Heartbreaking things. And she referred to papa as her soulmate on more than one occasion. They soulmated so hard na sabay din nila akong iniwan.”
Jhoanna lets out a self-deprecating laugh at this, and the pain in Maloi's heart twists a little more at how utterly broken and hurt it sounded. Unable to keep to herself any longer, Maloi lunges forward and envelops Jhoanna in the tightest hug.
She's not really that knowledgeable when it comes to the topic of soulmates, fate, and destiny. Though if soulmates are real, Maloi likes to believe that Jhoanna is hers. Not in the romantic kind of way though. Or so what she brought herself to believe.
However, as Jhoanna's body continued to shake with her silent sobs, Maloi missed the chance to let her know of her honest thoughts.
Jhoanna never showed any signs that she harbored romantic feelings for Maloi anyway. If she did, it would've shown courtesy of flower petals being coughed from her lungs. But Jhoanna remained healthy, and Maloi eventually forgot. Things continued to be the way they were, and Jhoanna and Maloi continued to live their entangled lives.
Maloi was happy.
Everything was perfect.
Until it wasn't.
It was during Maloi's second year of college when she met the love of her life.
Gweneth Apuli was everything Maloi was not.
Gwen was quiet where Maloi was loud.
Gwen was reserved where Maloi was outgoing.
Gwen was cautious whereas Maloi was the perfect amount of reckless.
They couldn't be more opposites, but they were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame since the first day they met.
Gwen was so beautiful and she had such a brilliant mind that Maloi got hooked at their first conversation. They can talk about anything and everything and still not run out of things to talk about. It was so easy to be with Gwen that Maloi found herself falling helplessly in a short period of time. Gwen was perfection personified, and Maloi was helpless from the very start.
It terrified her beyond belief because by that time, she's already watched way too much Hanahaki content to not be afraid of the consequences should her feelings end up unreciprocated. But alas, it seems that Gwen and Maloi are meant to be. Because not even three months since the two of them have met, Gwen gathered enough courage to confess her feelings to Maloi.
It should have been a happy ending for Maloi. And for a while, it was. She had a loving girlfriend and an equally amazing best friend. Life was all good and dandy. But as Maloi found herself falling deeper in love with Gwen, she started seeing Jhoanna less and less.
At first, she thought that it was only due to their busy schedules. Jhoanna had joined their university’s award winning debate team and an organization for Mass Communication students, which meant that on top of her classes, she barely had any free time. Maloi tried to understand her at first, because high school to college was a difficult shift to get used to. But as the days progressed and their every other day meet ups turned into weekly, then biweekly, until Maloi realized that she hadn't caught even a glimpse of her best friend for a whole month, worry began to seize her heart.
And when even the communication stopped, Maloi almost went scorched earth in her worry. It wasn't until Mikhaela, Jhoanna's childhood best friend and the daughter of the couple who took Jhoanna in after she got orphaned, reached out that Maloi finally got answers.
Mikhaela merely sent an address along with her greetings, and Maloi almost lost her lunch when she realized that it was the address of the hospital nearest to their university. Her classes and responsibilities for the rest of the day be damned, Maloi quickly got Gwen and headed towards the hospital to finally see her best friend.
“Hey, you must be Maloi.”
Maloi looks at the red-haired woman standing outside room 512, the room that the nurse at the front desk pointed her to. Maloi slows down her steps as she approaches the other woman, carefully taking her in.
Besides her bright red hair that grabs attention, Mikhaela’s eyes are bloodshot - as though she just finished crying. Her skin is pale and her cheeks are gaunt, and she obviously lost some weight, as Maloi can recall from a couple of photos of the redhead that she saw in Jhoanna's phone before.
“Ako nga,” Maloi finally answers when she's within arms’ reach.
Mikha smiles at that, but it doesn't reach her eyes. She looks… exhausted, and had rhey been in any other circumstance, Maloi would've taken the time to make sure she's alright. But as they were, she's beside herself with worry for her best friend and she just wants to know how Jhoanna's doing.
“I'm not gonna bother you with small talk since I can sense the worry coming off you in waves. She's inside and you're free to come in. Walang ibang visitors right now.”
“Thank-”
“But. I should warn you. Things aren't really good, so I suggest you prepare your heart. It's not easy to take in what you're about to see.”
Maloi nodded her head absentmindedly at Mikha's warning, her mind already preoccupied with her best friend's condition to register any of the other woman's words. Finally, with Gwen trailing close behind her, Maloi opens the door and steps foot inside the room.
No amount of preparation could've prepared Maloi for the sight that greeted her upon entry. There, on the bed smack in the middle of the room, was Jhoanna lying listlessly. There are a lot of tubes connected all over her arms and face, and somewhere in the room, the heart rate monitor is beeping so irregularly that even Maloi's untrained ears are able to pick up on the fact.
Maloi's hands flew to her mouth in shock as she took in the current state of her best friend. Jhoanna lost so much weight in the month that they hadn't seen each other, and her skin is of such a ghostly pallor that Maloi feels her heart physically clench in dread. Her stomach twists as she sees how sunken the other girl's eyes had gotten, and her lips look so chapped that it started to bleed at different spots.
“It's Hanahaki daw, sabi ng doctors niya,” Mikha explains from somewhere behind.
Maloi tenses up at the mention of the disease, the reality of the situation finally being revealed, feeling a lot like being dipped in ice cold water. She turns around to look at Mikha, whose gaze is pinned on the figure lying on the bed. There are a lot of things she wants to say, to ask, but her tongue feels leaden and Maloi could only stare as silent tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.
Mikha seems to understand though, because she continues to speak without prompting. Gwenzl, for her part, excuses herself and steps out of the room to give them some privacy.
“It started with a cough. About three months ago. Akala ko nung una normal na ubo lang. Alam mo naman na sakitin yang si Jho, diba? I think it was her initial thought as well. But, unbeknownst to me, she started coughing up petals soon after. She didn't tell anyone. Not even me.”
Mikha sighs, frustration evident in the way her lips tugged down and her brows furrowed.
“I noticed her deteriorating health though. Kaya pinilit ko siyang magpacheck up man lang. But she can be stubborn to a fault. She kept refusing until about a month ago, when she coughed up a whole daisy in the heat of an argument. She's been confined here ever since.”
Maloi continues to remain speechless, her mind working in overdrive trying to absorb everything that Mikha just told her.
“I reached out to you because I need your help.”
This snaps Maloi back to attention, and she looks at Mikha in surprise at the sudden admission.
“Jhoanna refuses to get the surgery. And she refuses to name the person her flowers are for. Time is running out. Sabi ng doctor niya, we only have about a week to decide before the Hanahaki becomes irreversible. And when that happens…”
Maloi shudders at the implications of Mikha’s words. Wordlessly, she turns around to face the bed again. Her heart hurts, so much so, as she looks at Jhoanna's sleeping form. She looks so, so different from the happy, full of life Jhoanna that Maloi is used to. And the thought of her never recovering from this state is enough to break Maloi even more.
“I'll leave you be for a while. May classes ako na hindi ko na pwedeng i-skip. Her meds are gonna wear off soon, so you'll hopefully have the chance to talk to her by then. Babalik din ako kaagad as soon as my classes are gone.”
Maloi just nods her head in response, which Mikha takes as her cue to leave. A few moments later, the door opens again before Maloi feels lithe but strong arms wrap around her protectively from behind. Gwen.
They stay like that for a long while, neither bothering to speak. Maloi continues to break with every second they spend in Jhoanna's presence, and Gwen just holds her tight, completely understanding the gravity of the situation. Maloi had always been honest with her about Jhoanna's role in her life. And Gwen had already accepted that these two shared a special bond even before they started dating.
She might not have been able to spend much time with Jhoanna until now, but in the moments that they did, Gwen felt how genuine and pure Jhoanna's heart is. She's sure that, if they were given an opportunity to know each other better, she and Jhoanna can become really good friends as well.
More time passes by in the same manner, and then Gwen also has to leave because she has training that she couldn't afford to miss. Maloi had reassured her repeatedly that she'll be fine on her own. Gwen doesn't want to leave her side, but she also had no other choice so she reluctantly left with a kiss to Maloi's forehead and a promise of dropping by again later to pick her up.
Once she's finally alone, Maloi takes a deep breath and tries her best to calm her raging thoughts. She can sort through her thoughts some other time. For now, Jhoanna needs her to be strong so she'll be strong. Even if it's merely a front.
Carefully, Maloi pulls a chair towards Jhoanna's bedside and takes a seat. She reaches for Jhoanna's hand - the one not hooked to tubes - and an involuntary sob escapes her lips when she feels how bony and fragile the other woman's hand is compared to hers.
Silently, Maloi sheds tears by Jhoanna's bedside. She's scared. She's terrified. And she's anxious knowing how little she can do to save her best friend's life.
Maloi comes to at the feel of something gently combing through her hair. At first, with her mind still hazy from sleep, she's dazed and confused and can't recall where she's currently at. Then she remembers the hospital, and Mikhaela letting her know Jhoanna's condition, and Jhoanna…
Jhoanna!!!
Maloi's head shoots up from the edge of the bed as soon as her mind clears up, her gaze almost immediately zeroing in on the figure lying on top of it. A fresh batch of tears springs up her eyes and rolls down her cheeks when she sees Jhoanna sitting up on the bed, a tired but warm smile on her lips as she looks at her.
“Hi,” Jhoanna croaks out, and Maloi all but launches herself towards her best friend as the latter catches her in her arms.
Jhoanna is quick to mumble apologies against Maloi's hair while the older woman continues to sob. But then, Jhoanna starts coughing and Maloi is forced to step back. The coughing doesn't stop, Jhoanna's face is turning an alarming shade of red, the heart monitor is starting to beep like crazy, and Maloi is starting to panic because she doesn't know what to do.
And then, a short moment later, a small pool of blood splatters on the white blanket covering Jhoanna's legs the same time a whole daisy flower comes out of Jhoanna's mouth. The sight is so gruesome that Maloi is certain she's gonna be plagued with nightmares for the months to come. Thankfully, at that exact moment, the door to Jhoanna's room bursts open and a couple of nurses rush in.
Maloi registers the relief she felt the instant she saw the nurses. Then, everything turned dark.
The next time Maloi regains consciousness, she stares at the white ceiling of the hospital room before belatedly realizing that she's lying down on the sole couch in the room. Her body hurts, and there’s a dull throbbing at the back of her head so she's careful when she gets up from the couch. Turning her gaze towards the bed, her heart skips a beat when she sees Jhoanna still sat up looking at her with apologetic eyes.
Shaking her head, Maloi runs her hand through her head as she sends a reassuring smile towards the younger woman.
“Gaano katagal akong walang malay, Jho?” she asks, making her way to the chair situated beside the bed again.
She's careful not to show any hints of panic or heartbreak this time, because she doesn't want to aggravate Jhoanna's condition any longer. That doesn't mean that the pain has gone away, though. Every second she spends staring at Jhoanna, Maloi feels like a part of her is slowly dying inside. But still, she forces a small smile on her lips.
Jhoanna slowly raises a finger. One hour.
Maloi nods her head in thanks. She finally sits down on the chair again, and this time, she contents herself with just holding onto Jhoanna's hand.
It's bony. But it's still warm. And somehow, that's enough to calm her down.
“Ayos na pakiramdam mo? Don't speak, baka matrigger na naman yung pag-ubo mo.”
Jhoanna's smile turns fond. Then she slowly nods her head.
“Good. That's good…”
A moment of silence settles over them, charged with words left unsaid and matters yet to be addressed. Maloi, to her credit, is able to hold herself back from asking all the questions lingering in her head. She takes shallow calming breaths to center herself, pursuing the logical approach to starting a conversation because she's still worried about her best friend.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
The look in Jhoanna's eyes shifts into one that's apologetic. She parts her lips to speak, and Maloi tries to stop her but she just shakes her head.
“Natakot ako.”
“Nakakatakot naman talaga ang sakit na yan. There's a huge possibility of you dying, Jhoanna so-”
“It's not that.”
“Then ano? Takot ka na mawala yung mga alaala mo ng taong yan pag nagpa-opera ka? Jhoana naman. Please be rational about this. Hindi ko maintindihan. Please help me understand. Kasi I can't wrap my head around the thought of you losing your life just because you're afraid of losing your memories of one person. Please Jho. Parang awa mo na, just get the operation.”
Despite her best efforts, the frustration still managed to seep into Maloi's voice as she spoke. She's ready to kneel and beg if need be, if it means that her best friend will finally get the damned operation that could save her life. Jhoanna just sighed in resignation as her body sags against the pillows stacked against her back.
“What would you do? If you were in my shoes right now.”
Though the question caught Maloi off guard, she was still quick to answer with a lot of conviction in her voice.
“I'll get the operation.”
The look Jhoanna gives her this time suggests that the younger woman expected her answer. Maloi is puzzled at the forlorn smile that takes over Jhoanna's features as she speaks up again.
“Even if sobrang importante nung tao sayo? What if for example it's for Gwen. Or halimbawa… ako?”
This time, the question makes Maloi pause as she looks at Jhoanna, slightly getting taken aback by the intensity of the other woman's stare. She closes her eyes for a brief moment and lets herself think and feel about the hypothetical situation brought up. Finally, after what felt like forever, she sighed and responded.
“Gagawin ko pa rin. Kahit mahirap. Kahit masakit. Kasi hindi ko kayang sikmurain isiping sisisihin mo o ni Gwen ang sarili niyo sa pagkawala ko.”
“Kahit pa ibig sabihin nun eh habambuhay nang mawawala yung version mo na kilala at mahal kami? Na kahit pa magkasalubong tayo sa daan o magkatabi sa sasakyan eh hindi mo na kami makikilala?”
“Oo. If it means you get to live the rest of your lives free from the burden of having my death upon your shoulders, then yes I'll gladly take the operation. Kaya Jhoanna, please at least consider it. Handa akong lumuhod at magmakaawa, Jho. Please.”
Another moment of silence settles between the two of them. And again, the air between the two of them is chagrined. The quiet is broken when Jhoanna lets out a soft chuckle under her breath. When Maloi meets her gaze, the former is surprised to see the genuine heartbreak being reflected in them.
“Okay,” Jhoanna says, resignation so evident in her tired voice.
“Okay?” Maloi asks, confused.
“Okay, I'll get the surgery.”
A day later, Maloi finds herself back in Jhoanna's hospital room. This time though, she's accompanied by Gwen as they wait for Jhoanna's operation to be finished. Mikhaela and her parents are in the waiting room across the OR where Jhoanna's surgery is happening. They asked Maloi to come along, but she declined saying she'd be too much of a nervous wreck to be a joy in anyone's company. So, she and Gwen decided to stay back in this room to wait.
The anxiety is eating away at Maloi's sanity, because the doctors mentioned how difficult the surgery would be given the advanced state the Hanahaki was already in. Maloi laughs bitterly inside, having never imagined that she'd have to deal with the disease in this lifetime. What's more is that it almost claimed the life of one of the most important people in her life. Hanahaki truly is such a terrifying disease, and Maloi understands it now.
She recalls her visit to Jhoanna just the day before. She had a lot of questions then. She still has a lot of them until now. But she didn't ask in fear of upsetting the younger woman and ending up worsening her condition. Yet there had been a nagging thought somewhere in the back of her mind - the identity of the person Jhoanna's bloom is for. She can think of a few possible candidates, but she doesn't let her mind linger on the thought because one option is truly nauseating if proven true. So she dispels the idea the moment it rears its ugly head.
“Relax, Loi. Jhoanna's gonna be fine. Despite their reservations, sabi naman nila eh mataas daw ang chance na walang maging issues diba?”
Gwen's gentle, soothing voice breaks Maloi from her reverie, and it's only when her girlfriend takes a hold of her hand that she realizes that she's shaking quite hard. Maloi smiles at Gwen gratefully, and she is about to answer when the door to the room gently opens. Their gazes snap towards the door almost immediately, and Maloi feels all the energy leave her body the moment she sees the huge, watery grin on Mikha's face as she walks over to them.
“It was a success. Natanggal nila yung flowers. Jhoanna's okay now.”
At the confirmation that the danger has already passed, Maloi finally lets herself breathe a sigh of relief as she starts sobbing in Gwen's arms.
Jhoanna looks so peaceful.
It's been three hours since the operation ended. Jhoanna has been wheeled back into the room and now, all they're doing is waiting for her to finally wake up. Mikha's parents - Tito John and Tita Myrla - took it upon themselves to head out and get all of them some much needed food. Mikha stayed behind with Maloi while Gwen had to leave for training yet again.
“The color is slowly coming back to her skin,” Mikha observes, gaze never leaving Jhoanna's face.
Maloi hums in acknowledgement, throat still a bit sore from all the sobbing she did earlier. Her gaze remains fixated on Jhoanna's face as well, her heart feeling the most calm and content it's felt in weeks as she watches over the younger woman in her sleep.
Perhaps it was because the two of them were staring so intently, that they almost immediately noticed the twitch in Jhoanna's eyelids. They spend the next few minutes buzzing in anticipation, waiting with bated breath as Jhoanna's eyelids slowly fluttering open.
Then, like in slow motion, Jhoanna finally opens her eyes. Her gaze lands on Mikha first, and the corners of her lips curl up into a smile as she looks at her childhood best friend. Mikha, on the other hand, just rolls her eyes in faux annoyance. But there are tears flowing down her cheeks and she can't stop smiling, so she's not convincing anyone with that eyeroll.
Finally, Jhoanna turns towards Maloi's direction. The latter's smile froze when she saw the way Jhoanna's brows furrowed while staring at her though. There is no warmth nor recognition in that dark gaze that Maloi used to love getting lost in. And it was at that moment that she finally realized.
Jhoanna's reluctance to get the surgery.
Her stubborn refusal to name the person her bloom was for.
The sad, broken look in her eyes as she asked Maloi what she'd do if she were in her shoes.
Maloi finally understands then. And when Jhoanna finally speaks, Maloi feels something inside of her die along with the version of Jhoanna Robles who knew Maloi Ricalde the best.
“W-who are you?”