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“Death should be more concise to the act of dying. It does not happen in an instant, and can take as long as months to fully take the natural course. Even a fatal wound could make a person die within a few minutes. Obviously we have no conclusive evidence to support the brain activity that is sometimes detected after a clinical death is a sign of consciousness or awareness. However, among scholars and doctors, it is widely accepted that is not the case. But one may truly never know until experiencing it themselves.”
Well, if there was any time than now than to test the venerable doctor’s words, it would be now. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d been stabbed, but as the familiar rain descended upon his body, Aventurine assumed this was it.
True to HER word, on the day of the Kakava, Aventurine feels like he’s finally being reunited with those he loves. Well, save but one.
It’s a painful feeling; not the gaping hole on his abdomen nor the rugged rocks beneath him, but the feeling of undeserved tears falling onto his face. Aventurine isn’t sure he’s ever seen Ratio cry; an eyelash, a sandstorm, allergies, perhaps, but not tears of sorrow.
Why do you weep for me? Aventurine wants to ask, but his body doesn’t respond.
“Not like this…not like this…Kakavasha.” More painful than his fatal wound, Aventurine feels his chest drain of life itself. He can barely feel tender arms cradling his shoulders.
Why?
“I’m so sorry…I love you, Kakavasha. I should have been stronger…to protect you.”
Oh. Well that’s certainly not fair.
Aventurine couldn’t prepare himself for such a heartfelt confession, dying or not. It’s something forbidden, something kept just out of reach so that Aventurine will not covet what could be. And in this moment, what never will be.
Why does it have to be like this?
Ratio should be allowed to know, as Aventurine feels the Mother Goddess caress his skin. At least the good doctor should know that…his feelings are reciprocated. Or maybe it’s the other way around; Aventurine has tried to ignore it for years, but a tiny part of him always knew that Ratio carved a piece out of his heart and shoved his way inside.
He should know. Aventurine tries to raise his hand, but it only weakly flops by his side. Ratio deserves to know. He tries to part his lips but he cannot muster the energy. I want to tell him.
T̷̨̘̲̃͗̂̇̈́̉́͂e̸̢̘͉̻͖̜̫͛̀̈́̅͛̃͆̕͘͜͝l̶̹̪̍̌͆̉͂̒͐́̐͆l̶̘̟̠̭̫͂̏̀̒̐̕͝ ̴̢͉̪̰̳̩͔̣̭̟̊̀̀̈̋͂͘͝h̷̡̧̛̛̗̱̮̰͎̝̀̾͒̈́̋̕̕͘i̸͎͋̅͆͌̐̐̓͂̐̕m̵̧̟̬͔̂̽̎̍́̔̉́,̸̨̬͇͈̔̓̿̀ ̴͎͕̗͉̑̌̈́͜m̴͕̜͍̄͘y̷͈̮͕̼̮͕̎̀͛̚̚͝͝͝ ̷̻̯̣̮̺̖̻̙͙̈́̉̋̾̎͘͜c̸̛̰̦̩͕̙̳͇̆̇̑̏̊̀h̶͚̯͓̪͊̊ͅi̶̱͎̝͒͝l̸̨̛̛̜̟̠̎͑̎͗̒̍̿͘d̶̟̪̤̪̜̤͔̠͖́̈́̓͑̈́̕͜.
Not for my own sake, but for him…he deserves to know.
G̴̩̫̮̩̯͎̯̖̪̹͒̑͌͒͛̀ǫ̷̪̙͖̲̭̬̜͌̈́ ̶̼̮̱̖͇͍̰͂̓̽̒͐͌͌̚f̵̧̢̠̭̮͇̤̺̩̊͊̀ő̸͍̺͔̩̈́͜r̸͕̘̻̩͙̱̈́́̈́̅͛͜t̸͙͕̜̩̭͍̼͇̤͑̈̒͊͗͒̌͝h̶̲̫͕͚͊̍̉̔̆̎̑̈́̉͝,̶̠̬͍̭̝͖̱͔̙̓̽͂̕ͅ ̴̡̢̗͚̉̓̉̈́̽͒̚t̴̨̨̤͚̥͉̄ͅà̵̰̜̥̙͚̜͓̘̩̗̈̄̉̋͘ķ̷̙͕̰̏̍͗̐͂̉ę̵̨̯̟̼̤̣̻̿̍͗̏̃̎̅̇̔ ̴̯̉̊m̴̛͈̺̱̰̬̬͔̜̮̹͆̏͌̌̇y̶͇̹̣͈͓̝͚͉̓͜ ̵̢̹̹̰̓͑̔͗̓͌͆̓͝b̴̙̯̮̦̜͔̀͂͂̓́̉́͝l̵̢̧̧̧̨̖̹̬̝̫͆̓̇ë̴̳̤͙̠̩̙̪́́͆͝s̷̙̻̤̻͇̰͚̮̏͂̀s̷̮̙̆̓̈͋͊͛̐̚i̷̮̞̺̫͚̯͕͈͆͌͝n̵̪̟̅̎g̷̦̭͖̮̯̞̈̈́̿̾̈́̐͋̀̈́̚͜.̸͓̟̿̕͠.
And then there is nothing but blinding light.
When Aventurine wakes, his body is sore. But it’s not the kind of soreness he expects form such a painful wound. Did I…survive?
Hands flying down his abdomen, his fingers slide through the familiar seam of his usual pajama top and feels…nothing out of the ordinary. Old scars and bumps yes, but nothing of where a sword has only just impaled him.
He looks down and sees nothing.
“What in the…Mother Goddess….” He murmurs to himself, scanning the surroundings to find himself in a familiar room, but not his own. “Penacony?” He asks aloud, incredulous at the sight before him. Has everything been a dream? Has his death been naught but a terrible dream?
Aventurine laughs, flopping back onto the pillows beneath him. But…wait, that’s not right. If it is a dream, surely he would have been in the Dreampool. No, this is one of the modified rooms, one specifically reserved for his recovery post his grand performance in the Dreamscape.
His comedic joy turns into fear; has he been in a coma?
A knock at the door startles him with a small shout. Eventually the door opens and a familiar doctor walks in; she holds a clipboard with a slight furrow in her brow.
“Mr. Aventurine, sorry to disturb your rest. I have your test results back if you’re curious.”
“Lay it on me, doc. What’s my prognosis? Five years?” As soon as the words leave him, he is struck with a terrible sense of deja vu.
The doctor rolls her eyes. “Dramatic as ever. You might give that Knight of Beauty a run for his money.” She takes a deep sigh and half-sits on an end table by his bed. “Physically? Besides malnutrition and what I suspect is a sleep disorder coupled with an iron deficiency, you are otherwise fine. Though I’m sure that’s not unfamiliar to you.”
Aventurine gives an awkward laugh. “Nothing I haven’t heard before.”
She responds with a judgmental stare before looking to her board again. “I’m obviously not your assigned IPC physician. I can’t prescribe you with any long-term meds. You’ll have to wait until your arrival at Pier Point. But I do have a small supply of mild sedatives which I hope can aid at least one of your issues. You’ll be on a strict diet for the next few days until you’re cleared for departure from Penacony. Any questions?”
“Uh…just one.” Aventurine grips the covers of his bed. “What…is the date?”
“May the Fifth.” She says, an eyebrow raising at his peculiarity. When Aventurine continues to stare, she finishes, “in the Amber Era 2160.”
Well isn’t that something.
Once she takes her leave again, Aventurine falls back onto the pillows with a soft cry. A dream so vivid could not have been merely a dream. Perhaps the Nihility does have a stronger hold on his mind scape than he previously thought.
“I am going insane.” Aventurine says out loud to himself. All those years, all of that strife, those battles, those endless victories…even his own death…and it is just his imagination running wild? He can’t bring himself to fall asleep; Aventurine cannot stop replaying the memory of his own death as if it is just a few moments ago.
Time passes by strangely fast, and everything happens according to his memories (dreams? he is still unsure). It’s too much of a coincidence to be something the Penacony Dreamscape is capable of. But even the Doctor of Chaos had been perplexed by his question; so his strange deja vu isn’t a sign of the Nihility either?
By the time he is allowed a break, newly forged Cornerstone in his hand, Aventurine slumps in his bed. His once bland corporate apartment now feels the most comforting as ever. He reaches around the bed, feeling around for his little cakes of joy. But the silence of his place makes him realize Ratio hasn’t delivered them quite yet.
“Oh great.” Aventurine mumbles. “One of the few things to bring me joy and I don’t even have that. Who else could I possibly vent to in these dire times?” He looks to his array of pillows neatly tucked against the headboard and sighs. “I guess you will do.”
Still fully clothed, Aventurine crawls up the length of the bed, lazily tucking himself in and cradling a pillow in his arms. “Oh, sweet turquoise pillow, will you hold my tears once again?” He imagines a cutesy response before sighing into the clean fabric and fading into sleep.
But not more than a few hours later, a loud knocking noise rouses Aventurine form his nap. “Sweet Mother Goddess, to whoever is banging on my door at this Aeon-forsaken hour, it better be a situation of life or death!” He grumbles, rolling out of bed as the persistent knocking continues. He smoothes down his hair as best as he can, a deep scowl on his face, before whipping the door open.
“WHAT?” Aventurine nearly yells at the odd-hour guest before his face instantly softens. “Oh, Doctor.”
Ratio raises a concerned brow, face as stoic as usual. “Apologies. I…deemed this a very important matter that could not wait any longer, gambler.”
“What could possibly…” Aventurine’s words trail off as he notices the large container in the doctor’s hands. His knees buckle at the sight before reaching out. “Oh Mother Goddess, they’re finally here!”
“What?” Ratio asks, both brows raised in concern before Aventurine clamps his mouth shut. Oh, yeah, he isn’t supposed to know what’s inside.
“Oh Ratio~” He fibs, “you’ve seen how much I’ve been suffering with this diet and have decided to reward me with real coffee?”
Ratio’s brows descend as quickly as they were raised and he lets out a disappointed sigh. “No, gambler, it is not coffee. I am fully aware you are to be caffeine-free for the foreseeable future, so I will not be the one who breaks that rule.”
Aventurine pouts. “Then what is it? Maybe a cake, perhaps?”
“Not an incorrect guess, but I guess they will surprise you all the same.”
I bet they won’t, Aventurine thinks to himself as he lets the doctor in. “I am so curious! A gift, for me?”
“I believe they will aid in your…recovery.”
Aventurine flops on his couch with a roll of his eyes. “Mmm, pesky nightmares, what’s a lonely Stoneheart to do to quell…the finality of Nihility?”
Ratio carefully sets the container on the coffee table before opening a side wall. And just like Aventurine remembers, three adorable little creatures with the cutest eyes he’s ever seen slowly and cautiously waddle out.
And despite wanting to feign indifference and surprise, Aventurine cannot help but fall to his knees at the sight of their glassy, wide eyes staring up at him in wonder. “Oh my Aeons!” He exclaims, wrapping his arms around their familiar squishy bodies in relief. “Oh what adorable little critters.”
There is a small beat of silence before Ratio clears his throat. “That was…not the reaction I was expecting.”
“How should I act?” Aventurine pouts. “These little guys are so adorable…”
“You didn’t even ask what they are, how to keep them alive…a concern I was sure you’d have given your barely functioning processes in keeping yourself alive, gambler.” Ratio argues with a frown.
“Mmm, cuddle first, questions later.” Aventurine sighs, swaddling them in his arms and carrying them to sit in his lap while he lounged on the couch again. “What I am curious about is why you’ve suddenly decided to giving me gifts? That’s not really your style, Ratio.”
“Like I explained, I believe they will aid your recovery process.”
Aventurine raises a brow with a teasing smile. “And? Surely that’s not the only reason?”
The Stoneheart remembers this moment well; he finds joy in the way warmth creeps up Ratio’s neck to his cheeks. He revels in the not-so-subtle shifting gaze, unable to decide where to look. Aventurine remembers a stammered, flustered response and a very curt departure.
But the Ratio in front of him does no such thing.
“Gambler, I…may have something to confess.”
Aventurine’s eyes widen. “Oh? Declaring your affection to me this early in our ‘relationship’, Doctor? At least take me out to dinner first.”
Ratio scowls for a moment but it soon smoothes over with something Aventurine doesn’t recognize. “It is…imperative I tell you now…” He explains. “Lest I regret holding my tongue until it is too late.”
“Just say it, doctor; skirting around issues isn’t like you at all.” Aventurine frowns, and the cat cakes unceremoniously jump off his lap to explore their new home.
“I…” If the Ratio in his memories was flustered before, the man before him is even worse. His entire face his read, fingers scrunched into fists above his thighs. “I apologize for the timing, but it is better than you never knowing at all.”
Aventurine feels a strange sense of fear and dread wash over him; this moment isn’t playing out like he remembers, or in his dreams.
“Aventurine.” Said man feels a chill in his spine. “I…am undoubtedly, unequivocally…deeply in love with you.”
The room is painfully silent, save for the gentle scuttle of cakes along the hardwood floors. Aventurine feels as stiff as a board. It’s the second time he’s heard such a thing, but the timing is all off. Ratio doesn’t express any ounce of feelings or affections beyond platonic until he…
“You’re not supposed to say that…” Aventurine whispers quietly, unable to look away from the man but wanting so desperately too.
“I understand these feelings are not reciprocated, but I must be honest and truthful with myself. And that courtesy extends to you.”
“That’s not what I meant, Veritas.” Aventurine says with a shaky sigh. “You’re not supposed to…we haven’t even…” He feels his hands shaking, but balling them into fists does not stop the sensation. “We barely know each other right now, I mean…you’re not supposed to say this to me right now.”
Ratio’s brows furrow. “What do you mean ‘right now?’ Aventurine, I—”
“Is this some kind of trick? Some morbid joke to play with my feelings?” He stands up, panic creeping into his bones. “You’re not the real Ratio, are you? Am I dreaming again?” He coughs out a pathetic laugh. “Are you a Masked Fool? Well, you’ve got a pretty big detail wrong. The real Doctor Ratio never confesses, not until I—”
“Kakavasha.” Ratio stands up, stepping around the table with a frown.
Well, that name isn’t something a Masked Fool would know. “H-how do you know that name? Not even Madame Jade knows that—”
Warm hands take in his own, grounding him. “Kakavasha.” Ratio says again, his inflection a little too perfect for someone who isn’t supposed to know his true name…not yet. “Have you…experienced…death?”
“Such a morbid question doctor.” Aventurine huffs but he doesn’t pull away from Ratio’s tender grasp. “Of course I have; the Nihility took away a part of me I can never get back.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Do you mean when my entire people were killed? My planet ravaged, destroyed?”
“Edo Star." Ratio says calmly, hose his eyes hold a myriad of emotions; surprise. "Year 2167 of the Amber Era. Project Trailblaze." Aventurine feels like he can barely breathe. "The IPC received a distress call from that planet and you and I were sent in kind. But it had been a trap, and you…”
Aventurine feels all of the blood drain from his face as he wobbles in place. “W-wait, how do you…”
“I was unaware of what Aeonic power allowed me to arrive in the past and change our fate; at first I did not believe it but…I was not going to give up a second chance so you would truly know he extent of my feelings and for just how long.”
“It was a dream…it was just a sick dream…” Aventurine exhales deeply, feeling the corners of his eyes sting. “None of it happened, I just…”
“The current Aeons, to my knowledge, would have no interest in such a minuscule moment in the universe. But…perhaps your Mother Goddess was the one able to grant us another chance.”
G̴̩̫̮̩̯͎̯̖̪̹͒̑͌͒͛̀ǫ̷̪̙͖̲̭̬̜͌̈́ ̶̼̮̱̖͇͍̰͂̓̽̒͐͌͌̚f̵̧̢̠̭̮͇̤̺̩̊͊̀ő̸͍̺͔̩̈́͜r̸͕̘̻̩͙̱̈́́̈́̅͛͜t̸͙͕̜̩̭͍̼͇̤͑̈̒͊͗͒̌͝h̶̲̫͕͚͊̍̉̔̆̎̑̈́̉͝,̶̠̬͍̭̝͖̱͔̙̓̽͂̕ͅ ̴̡̢̗͚̉̓̉̈́̽͒̚t̴̨̨̤͚̥͉̄ͅà̵̰̜̥̙͚̜͓̘̩̗̈̄̉̋͘ķ̷̙͕̰̏̍͗̐͂̉ę̵̨̯̟̼̤̣̻̿̍͗̏̃̎̅̇̔ ̴̯̉̊m̴̛͈̺̱̰̬̬͔̜̮̹͆̏͌̌̇y̶͇̹̣͈͓̝͚͉̓͜ ̵̢̹̹̰̓͑̔͗̓͌͆̓͝b̴̙̯̮̦̜͔̀͂͂̓́̉́͝l̵̢̧̧̧̨̖̹̬̝̫͆̓̇ë̴̳̤͙̠̩̙̪́́͆͝s̷̙̻̤̻͇̰͚̮̏͂̀s̷̮̙̆̓̈͋͊͛̐̚i̷̮̞̺̫͚̯͕͈͆͌͝n̵̪̟̅̎g̷̦̭͖̮̯̞̈̈́̿̾̈́̐͋̀̈́̚͜.̸͓̟̿̕͠
The tears fall before Aventurine can stop them. “Oh, fuck Qlipoth, are you even real? Are you not something I dreamed up? I…”
“I am so very real.” Ratio brings Aventurine’s hands to his chest, a warm and steady beat thrumming beneath the Stoneheart’s fingertips. “And I do not intend to squander your deity’s grace and let you slip from my fingers again.”
T̷̨̘̲̃͗̂̇̈́̉́͂e̸̢̘͉̻͖̜̫͛̀̈́̅͛̃͆̕͘͜͝l̶̹̪̍̌͆̉͂̒͐́̐͆l̶̘̟̠̭̫͂̏̀̒̐̕͝ ̴̢͉̪̰̳̩͔̣̭̟̊̀̀̈̋͂͘͝h̷̡̧̛̛̗̱̮̰͎̝̀̾͒̈́̋̕̕͘i̸͎͋̅͆͌̐̐̓͂̐̕m̵̧̟̬͔̂̽̎̍́̔̉́,̸̨̬͇͈̔̓̿̀ ̴͎͕̗͉̑̌̈́͜m̴͕̜͍̄͘y̷͈̮͕̼̮͕̎̀͛̚̚͝͝͝ ̷̻̯̣̮̺̖̻̙͙̈́̉̋̾̎͘͜c̸̛̰̦̩͕̙̳͇̆̇̑̏̊̀h̶͚̯͓̪͊̊ͅi̶̱͎̝͒͝l̸̨̛̛̜̟̠̎͑̎͗̒̍̿͘d̶̟̪̤̪̜̤͔̠͖́̈́̓͑̈́̕͜.
Aventurine’s head throbs.
“Tell him, my child. Dear Kakavasha, you are undeserving of such a cruel ending.”
With emotions and fear growing more overwhelming by the second, he collapses into Ratio’s body, clinging desperately to his sturdy frame. “S-say it again.”
Ratio doesn’t need to understand anything more. “I love you.”
Thump, thump.
“Again.” Aventurine weakly demands.
“Kakavasha, I love you.” Ratio wraps his arms tightly around Aventurine, steadying the shaking of his body.
Thump, thump, thump. “O-one…more time.”
Ratio exhales softly. “I will say it until my last breath. I love you, to the ends of the universe.”
Aventurine sobs into Ratio’s chest, and the doctor makes no audible note for the stain it will leave later. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be reckless I swear. I made a promise…that I would not take your kindness for granted and so recklessly gamble my life like it meant nothing…because you finally began to mean something.”
Ratio remains quiet but his presence is stronger than ever.
“You mean a lot…more than you know, more than I ever let on. And…seeing you cry like that…it made me regret everything.” Aventurine sucks in a sharp breath. “I wanted to tell you, to say that I’ve always felt the same, but…”
“It’s okay.” Ratio’s hands find his back, rubbing in small, soothing circles.
“If the Mother Goddess did truly grant me another chance at life, not for my sake by for yours, then…” Aventurine pulls away just a few inches from Ratio to look at him, eyes wet and cheeks messy. He probably looks anything but presentable, but the look on Ratio’s face makes those thoughts drift away. “The SHE knew, that I must…confess, Veritas Ratio, I truly love you, unequivocally and undoubtedly.”
The universe rights itself when Ratio’s lips meet his own. It is not a clash, it is not electric; it is an apology, a promise of past and future, and the banishment of regret. The burn on his skin is slow, gradual, rising to a welcome warmth he is unused to. But as Ratio’s hands wander to his hips, Aventurine doesn’t ever want this feeling to dissipate.
“Kakavasha…” Ratio sighs against his lips for a brief respite for air. If Aventurine isn’t already undone, he is now, his own name whispered like a prayer lost in the throes of deep and searing affection.
“Stay.” Aventurine whispers, a tiny plea of the heart. “These past few weeks, this sense of unease that has only now disappeared…I don’t want to lose this.”
“You won’t.” Ratio presses soft kisses to the corners of Aventurine’s lips and on the plush of his reddened cheeks. “I’ve lost you once. I will not let my cowardice obstruct my selfishness to love you with all that I have, endlessly.”
Ratio leans down and scoops Aventurine in his arms. The blonde man squeaks a little at the abrupt change but clings to Ratio all the same. “T-the babies…”
“Well-fed before my arrival.” Ratio effortlessly toes the door open and closes it shut without dropping Aventurine not losing his grip. “We are bathing, and then I am succumbing you to bed rest until I deem you fit enough to leave.”
Aventurine feigns disdain, but the slight curl of a smile in Ratio’s words do not go unnoticed. “Trapped in a bed, with the venerable Doctor? Sounds terrible.”
“Then I trust you will make haste in taking your recovery seriously.” Ratio says with a small hum to his voice, toeing the bathroom door open with ease and closing it shut, preparing the start of a well-deserved and much desired evening (early morning) of relaxation and weight of regret no longer on either of their shoulders.