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It’s not a secret that Hansol loves Seungkwan, not to the members, not to the fans. He sometimes thinks he might love too much.
There was a fan meeting recently, and social media has already been flooded with clips of it. Hansol has a habit of checking out what the fans think, but he normally ends up falling down a rabbit hole of him staring at Seungkwan and everyone saying it’s obvious.
It might be. He can’t deny that. He somehow always finds himself staring, even when he doesn’t need to. Seungkwan’s like the south pole of a magnet, and Hansol’s the north pole. That’s just how it is, opposites attract.
Even the members call him out sometimes. Jihoon always laughs at his pathetic behavior, and Seokmin likes to tease him from time to time. Hansol doesn’t really care, because Seungkwan thinks it’s all just jokes, and everything’s fine as long as Seungkwan doesn’t know how Hansol feels.
But no one really knows. They all think it’s just a friendship thing, a running joke they’ve had since their trainee days, since Seungcheol asked Hansol and Seungkwan what they were doing in that bathroom.
“No… I don’t…” Hansol had blurted out in embarrassment. He can laugh about it now, but he was so nervous at the time he thought he was going to die.
His teenage years all happened through the lens of a camera. Everyone watched him grow up, and it affected the way he discovered himself. It’s not easy to figure out who you are when everyone’s paying attention.
“Vernon! We need to go!”
He turns his head and finds Seungkwan standing in front of him. Pretty.
“Coming!”
They’re filming a variety show today. Seungkwan had asked him a few weeks ago if they could go together on Halmyungsoo, and Hansol was delighted to accept. Besides, he hasn’t seen Myungsoo in a long time, and he’s sure he will love Seungkwan.
When the car gets there, Hansol opens the door for Seungkwan and then sits in the passenger seat. No one notices.
Myungsoo welcomes them in a loving manner, and Hansol notices him falling for Seungkwan. Everyone does. Seungkwan’s just that charming, and Hansol knows firsthand.
They talk all the way to the restaurant, and Hansol lets Seungkwan say anything he wants to. It feels like his parents are meeting his partner— and it makes his skin itch. Myungsoo is not his dad, and Seungkwan is not his anything.
When they get to the restaurant, Hansol sits down between Myungsoo and Seungkwan, half because Seungkwan doesn’t feel that comfortable and half because he wants to sit next to Seungkwan. Maybe the latter is winning.
Food arrives soon, and they eventually end up ordering beers (Seungkwan’s choice). Myungsoo seems to enjoy Seungkwan’s company, and he even asks him to come back someday— maybe with Vernon?
There are some general questions they get asked at every interview. You’re having a comeback soon, right? Can you tell me about it? What do you think of the song? How does it feel?
“It’s your tenth anniversary; it must be crazy to think about the long time you've been in the industry.”
Myungsoo goes off script; he shakes Hansol up. Seungkwan nods as he takes a gulp of his beer— wait, it might be Hansol’s. He hasn’t had a sip in a long time.
“But, hyung, I don’t think anything’s changed. We’re still the young kids we used to be,” Seungkwan points out.
Hansol nods and notices the smile on Myungsoo’s lips. “Right, you were just kids,” he says.
“Yeah. I remember our trainee days like they were yesterday.”
“Seungkwan, they were yesterday,” Hansol jokes. It makes everyone laugh.
“I imagine you must be good friends… Aren’t you both born in 1998?”
Hansol nods, then, ”Yeah. I’m younger than him, but just by a month.”
“We’ve always been close! That’s just how it has to be with your same-age friends.”
“Seungkwan, I really like you. Can you be a regular guest?”
Seungkwan laughs as he places the beer on the table, then stands up and shakes Myungsoo’s hand. They really do get along, just how Hansol imagined.
“So, same-age friends… Do you call each other often?” Myungsoo asks, his eyes curious.
Seungkwan nods, but Hansol suddenly remembers the call. The infamous call.
“Actually, Seungkwan once called me at 4 a.m.,” he says.
He already mentioned this in 2021. It was the most memorable moment of his year. He said the call had happened at 3 a.m. back then. He changes the information now so he won't look crazy.
“Really?” Myungsoo’s eyes turn as big as plates. It’s kind of funny.
Seungkwan laughs in embarrassment, but Hansol just smiles and nods. “Let me tell you how it went.”
He loves reenacting what happened. He has already done it before. There’s something about the way he can just make his voice soft when he imitates Seungkwan— How he can make up what brought Seungkwan to just call him, to think of him.
So he brings his hand up to his ear, representing the phone, and starts the recreation.
“Seungkwan, what’s up?” he says slowly, dead serious. Everyone’s staring, and Seungkwan covers his face.
Then he changes the tone. It’s higher, but slightly softer.
“I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Myungsoo laughs, and there are some smiles behind the cameras. It’s okay to say this, because everyone thinks it’s funny, and even though Seungkwan acts embarrassed, Hansol knows he wants to laugh.
“But… it’s four a.m.,” he continues.
Then the staff laughs, and Myungsoo opens his mouth in amusement. They don’t ask if anything happened after the call.
No one knows Hansol stared at the ceiling for an hour after Seungkwan hung up. They don’t know he kept waiting for Seungkwan to call back.
And that’s okay.
The recording ends quickly. Hansol asks them to film a challenge he finds funny, and he’s surprised when Seungkwan agrees.
“Did you think I wouldn’t be okay with this?” Seungkwan asks, and it makes Hansol realize that Seungkwan knows him better than he thought.
The ride home is quiet. Hansol sits down next to Seungkwan this time, leaning his head against the window. A few minutes pass in silence— then Hansol feels it: Seungkwan’s hand touching his ear.
It’s soft, quiet, intimate. He lets Seungkwan rub and fold and tickle, because he’d let him do anything. Hansol knows Seungkwan’s smiling, he’s seen the clips on the internet. The smile on his face always made him believe that maybe, just maybe, there was something there.
But the hand leaves his ear, and they go back to silence.
Seungkwan doesn’t see Hansol’s grin.
.ᐟ
A month later, the interview goes up, and Hansol checks everyone’s reaction. He needs to know if he was obvious, if they think Seungkwan’s in love… Maybe not that. He just wants to know if the way he acted was suspicious.
solbootruther: vernon wdym four am u said seungkwan called u at 3 last time
capitalistsolboo: SEUNGKWAN LOOKED SO PRETTYYYYYY
threevkwan: i’m crying at the way seungkwan hugged vernon :(( MY BABIEEES
lambkwan: are we not gonna talk abt the way hansol imitated kwan????? He sounded soooo soft omfg
Hansol laughs at the last one he reads. He is easy to read, huh?
He turns the phone off and drops face-first onto the bed. He stays there for a minute, going through the day of the interview. They had a comeback recently, and it's going really well. He remembers the first time he saw the music video, and how good everyone looked.
He thinks about his solo song too. No one knows what it’s really about. “It's up to interpretation,” Hansol said.
He doesn’t know when he falls asleep, just that the next day arrives too quickly.
Everyone’s sitting down in front of a screen. They’re about to watch some unreleased videos to celebrate their tenth anniversary. Seungkwan’s sitting right behind him, which makes him slightly nervous, but it doesn’t show. It never does.
A clip of Hansol and Mingyu appears on the screen. It’s probably recorded near their debut, judging from Hansol's hairstyle.
“Who told us that looked good?” Hansol jokes.
Everyone laughs, but Seungkwan grabs— holds— his face. He faces Hansol.
“You were so young!” he says, laughing.
Hansol doesn’t react; he's an expert at it. He just laughs at everyone's jokes, as if he hasn’t heard what Seungkwan said. And when Seungkwan finally lets go, Hansol can finally breathe again.
Then, a clip of Hoshi dancing follows, and everyone screams in awe.
“Hoshi-hyung, why aren’t you this good anymore?” Dino jokes, and Hoshi throws his plastic bottle at him.
The image of them playing games to choose who’s on cleaning duty makes them cackle, but then the screen fades to black, and a last clip appears.
It’s from the night of their first win, a video no one knows even was recorded. They are sitting down at a table, plates full of food in front of them. After a few minutes of silence, Seungkwan starts speaking.
He tells the members he’s proud of what they’ve achieved, and while everyone says it was thanks to him and his jokes, Hansol notices himself in the back. He’s quiet, hoodie covering his head.
He’s looking at Seungkwan, and his eyes sparkle. Every time Seungkwan makes a joke or tells one of the members to shut up, Hansol just smiles harder.
The Hansol in the present starts to smile too when his little self laughs at one of Seungkwan’s jokes, because his eyes never stop looking. It’s obvious how in love he is, and the fans have obviously kept up with it.
There’s something ironic about his obvious crush being recorded and everyone noticing but his own crush. Maybe it’s for the better, because Seungkwan might not feel the same way, but Hansol knows he’ll tell him one day, and that’ll possibly ruin their relationship forever.
So he looks at the real Seungkwan, the one with him right now. He turns around — in such an obvious way that everyone looks at him.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” he mentions to ease the pressure.
Everyone laughs, but Hansol— Hansol stares at Seungkwan and smiles in the best way he knows. The camera doesn’t see it, so the fans won’t ever know that the smile he has just shown Seungkwan is one of the most beautiful he’s ever put on.
The clip ends and he turns to the camera. Seungkwan places his hands on Hansol’s shoulders and grins. Everything’s back to normal now.
After the recording is over, they all have dinner together. Hansol sits next to Seungkwan, as always, just to be able to steal glances. They all get pretty drunk, but Hansol stays as sober as he can, afraid he might say something he’ll regret.
A few hours pass, and now Seungkwan’s head is on his shoulder, sleepy because of the alcohol.
“Vernon…”
“Huh? You wanna go home?”
Seungkwan laughs and hiccups. He sits up and looks straight in Hansol’s eyes.
“No! Of course not!”
Hansol smiles. If a camera was recording them, the fans would go crazy. But it isn’t, so Hansol’s alone now.
“Then what?”
Seungkwan laughs. “I just…” His head drops mid-sentence, and Hansol barely catches him before it hits the table.
“You just…?”
“I think…” Seungkwan giggles, “You totally had a crush on me during the trainee period,” he continues.
Hansol doesn’t know how to react, or if he should react. He steals a glance at Seungkwan— he’s laughing— and realizes he’ll never be taken seriously if it goes like this. It’s a constant game of tug and there’s no way of winning, because Seungkwan never was or will be in love with Hansol.
“Was I that obvious?” he replies. As a joke. Obviously.
Seungkwan stops laughing and sighs.
“Yeah… you were,” he groans.
It’s serious, too serious for it to be a joke, so Hansol stands up and leaves for the bathroom. At least, that’s what he tells the guys, but he leaves the restaurant once they can’t see him.
He would cry if he felt like he had the right to, but he doesn’t. How has Hansol, in the decade he’s spent with Seungkwan, never confessed? Who does he think he is to just leave the restaurant when his feelings aren’t reciprocated?
How could he ever think that there was a chance?
It’s that thought that really breaks him, when he’s standing right outside the apartment complex. The realization that there was never a chance.
The elevator is slow enough for him to recover from the breakdown, and his breathing is steady when he opens the door. He doesn’t bother to turn on the light, so he wanders to his bedroom and stands in the doorway.
His phone starts ringing.
It reads: “17 Dokyeom.” He picks up.
“Hyung?”
“Vernon! Where are you? Did the toilet swallow you or something?”
He can hear everyone’s laughter in the background— even Seungkwan’s.
“I went home. I’m kind of tired. Tell everyone I’m sorry!”
Dokyeom whines on the other side of the line.
“But Vernon… We were just getting started!”
The members' screams get louder, but Hansol ends the call and throws the phone on his bed.
“Long day,” he thinks.
He wakes up to a phone filled with messages. Most of them are from the Seventeen group chat, but there’s someone else.
seungkwan: vernon, whats ur solo about
seungkwan: you’re my shooting star on radio star
seungkwan: what does it mean
Hansol types a few lines, deletes them, then decides on the most ambiguous explanation.
vernon: it’s about loving someone strongly
seungkwan: does that someone exist
vernon: yeah
seungkwan: do i know them?
vernon: idk
Seungkwan leaves him on read, because of course he does, and Hansol turns his phone off.
.ᐟ
The clock marks 3:17 a.m. when Seungkwan knocks on Hansol’s door, and 3:20 a.m. when he finally opens it.
They’re standing in Hansol’s bedroom before 3:30 a.m., but he quickly loses the sense of time.
The air’s heavy, filled only with the smell of Seungkwan’s shampoo— the one Hansol could never admit he loves— and the only sound Hansol can hear is Seungkwan’s breathing. It’s labored, like he’s reaching for air. He looks calm, but there’s panic in the way his chest rises.
He takes one step forward. It doesn’t get him anywhere, really, because they are standing far apart from each other. Still, Hansol brings his hand up in hopes it’ll reach Seungkwan.
“Seungkwan…” he says, vulnerable, hurt.
And Seungkwan doesn’t say anything. He stays there, breathing heavily, and takes another two steps forward.
Runs a hand through his hair, then clenches it like a fist. He opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak, but no sound comes out.
Hansol watches him fight a battle he doesn’t understand.
One second passes, then another.
Then, out of nowhere, he lunges forward, throws his arms around Hansol and makes them fall onto the bed, Hansol trapped beneath him.
It takes a few seconds for anything to happen, because Hansol’s so stunned he doesn’t know what to do. His mouth opens in surprise, searching for words.
“Seungkwan?” he repeats, hoping he’ll get an answer now.
Hansol can feel Seungkwan’s breath in his mouth, and even though it should gross him out, it doesn’t. Because this is probably the only time he’ll ever get to feel it.
“What’s wrong with you?” Seungkwan asks, and then Hansol feels a drop of water fall on his cheek.
“Are you crying? Is everything o—”
He can’t say anything else, because Seungkwan’s hand covers his mouth, warm and shaking. Hansol’s breath hits his palm. Seungkwan drops his head right next to Hansol’s and starts sobbing.
“I don’t understand you,” he cries. “I don’t know what you want.”
“You,” Hansol wants to say, but Seungkwan’s hand stays on his mouth, keeping him from ruining it all.
.ᐟ
They have practice the next day, and Hansol’s terrified of facing Seungkwan. After what happened last night, Seungkwan just left crying as Hansol lay on the bed, completely still, the feeling of Seungkwan’s hand lingering on his lips.
Now, they’re standing next to each other, going over the formation for some old songs they have to practice again. Hoshi curses at Mingyu whenever he makes a mistake, and Seungkwan laughs every time. It freaks Hansol out.
Because what happened last night should have made Seungkwan sad, angry, and every negative emotion there is out there. It should make Seungkwan stand on the opposite side of Hansol, should make him try not to let their hands touch.
But Seungkwan smiles at him, and asks him how his day is going when he gets to the practice room. He even corrects Hansol's footwork. Hansol never gets his footwork wrong.
When Minghao asks for a break, Hansol leans on the mirror, half-listening to whatever Woozi’s saying about the choreography being too hard, half-pretending he’s okay. Seungkwan’s sitting across the room, tying his shoes.
Hansol stares for a second, then looks away when Seungkwan lifts his head, and pretends he wasn’t watching when he walks over.
“You’re weird,” Seungkwan says, like he’s commenting on the weather.
Hansol shrugs. Woozi’s still next to him, complaining to no one — Hoshi stopped listening long ago.
“I had fun yesterday,” Seungkwan continues. “Well, until I knocked out, at least. Did I do anything stupid?”
Hansol laughs, then shakes his head.
“Nothing out of the ordinary.”
“Cool.”
Hansol bites the inside of his cheek. Cool. Cool, Seungkwan doesn’t remember anything. Hansol doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad one. Fine, Seungkwan won’t make fun of him forever, but at the same time, Hansol wanted to ask him what it meant.
Why did Seungkwan come to his house? Why yesterday, in the middle of the night? Does Seungkwan know?
“I…” Seungkwan interrupts his train of thought. “I think I know who your solo song is about.”
Hansol’s heart skips a beat. Seungkwan might have figured it out, it’s not like Hansol didn’t make it obvious.
But Seungkwan winks at him, and then, “I promise your secret’s safe with me. You can trust me.”
“Do you really know?” Hansol wants to ask, but Hoshi ends the break, and he leaves Seungkwan as fast as he can.
The rest of practice doesn’t go well. It’s full of mistakes, of “Hansol, you have to go this way!”, of Hoshi screaming at him. He even catches Joshua looking at him pitifully.
Woozi pulls him aside when they have a break to drink water.
“Dude, what’s happening? You never make mistakes like this.”
“I’m probably still hungover. I’m sorry.”
Woozi smiles, he believes it.
“Okay, be careful. I’ll talk to Hoshi later.”
Hansol puts his hand on Woozi’s shoulder. “Thanks, hyung.”
Hoshi doesn’t scream at him anymore, but they’re still looking, because everyone knows something’s wrong.
That “everyone” includes Seungkwan, which explains why he walks over to Hansol when practice is finally over.
“Seriously, you’re acting weird. Do you wanna talk?”
Hansol thinks about it for a second. He stares at Seungkwan, full of expectation. There’s no way Hansol’s gonna turn him down, and Seungkwan knows.
“Fine.”
They don’t leave the practice room, because it’s not necessary. No one’s there anymore, just Hoshi and Dino working overtime. Hansol makes sure they talk in a place where they can’t be heard, he doesn’t know how this will end.
“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong or will I have to interrogate you?”
Hansol laughs, and Seungkwan smiles fondly.
“You won’t have to act like a policeman today, sorry.”
“I was really looking forward to it,” Seungkwan jokes.
Hansol sighs and crosses his legs. His back is leaning against the wall. He thinks about how to start explaining, how to make up an excuse Seungkwan will actually believe, because the “I’m hungover” one only works with members who haven’t seen him drunk enough.
And Seungkwan has seen Hansol hungover plenty of times, even tucked him in bed when Hansol couldn’t stand up by himself, and kissed his temple when he thought Hansol wouldn’t remember.
But Hansol remembers it all, stores the memory in a place in his brain where it will never disappear, and goes over the memories at night, when it’s difficult to fall asleep.
“It’s kind of embarrassing,” he spits out without much thought, then turns his eyes away from Seungkwan’s.
He can hear Seungkwan gasp, then, “Don’t tell me… Is this about the person your solo song is about?”
Seungkwan’s just read him like a book. He always has. Hansol doesn’t know why he even thought Seungkwan, of all people, wouldn’t notice.
“Yeah.”
Seungkwan jumps in excitement and grabs Hansol’s hands.
“You have to tell me everything! Even who it’s about.”
Right, he doesn’t know.
“I don't know…”
Seungkwan pleads with his eyes. He knows Hansol loves that.
“Don't you know already? That's what you told me.”
Seungkwan groans and throws his head back.
“I just… I want to hear it from you.” He lets go of Hansol’s hands. “Please.”
Hansol doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if saying it now is the right choice. It probably isn't. Maybe he should lie, say it's some girl Seungkwan doesn't know. Or a boy. Just to see Seungkwan's reaction.
“Why do you want to hear it from me?” he decides to ask first. Make sure there's nothing weird happening.
Seungkwan turns around, walks a few steps forward, then faces Hansol again.
“Hansol…” he never calls him Hansol. It's always Vernon. “I just want to know why you'd write a song like that for someone—” Seungkwan stops himself before finishing the sentence. “Forget it.”
“What? You can't just start a sentence and not finish it. What's with you?”
Seungkwan furrows his eyebrows. “I— I don't know.”
Maybe Hansol should just do it. Maybe telling him is the right choice. He really wants to tell Seungkwan who his song is about, let him know he's loved, so loved.
“I'll tell you.” His heart's beating like a drum. “But not here.”
Dino and Hoshi argue in the background as Hansol grabs Seungkwan's wrist. He drags him through the company halls, unaware of where they should go. He finally decides on the rooftop.
The elevator takes its sweet time. Hansol can hear Seungkwan's uneven breathing. He doesn't let go of his wrist, afraid he'll run away forever.
When they get to the rooftop and Hansol finally lets go of Seungkwan's hand, he's terrified. Maybe he shouldn't be doing this. Maybe he'd be better off if he kept this to himself and waited until they were all married to finally confess to Seungkwan how much he would've loved just kissing him, at least once.
But only a coward would do that, and Hansol's not one.
“I…” he starts, but he doesn't know how to continue.
“You?”
Seungkwan raises an eyebrow and taps his feet.
“I…”
This is way too hard. Hansol thinks he might be having a heart attack.
“The person I like— love…”
He sees Seungkwan smile. “Who is it?” he asks, painfully oblivious.
The wind ruffles Hansol's hair. He takes Seungkwan's features in, just in case this is the last time they'll ever be this comfortable around each other. His plump cheeks, beautiful lips. The golden eyes. His hands— Hansol loves them.
“It's you,” he blurts out.
His heart stops. He's sure of it. His heart just stopped. Seungkwan will have to perform CPR, but he won't be bothered, because Hansol just confessed to him.
But Seungkwan laughs.
Hansol stares, stunned.
He's probably making fun of him, of the stupid Hansol who thought Seungkwan would reciprocate his feelings. Fuck, Hansol can feel his eyes welling with tears.
“Are you making fun of me?” he dares to ask.
He can see Seungkwan wipe a tear away. It makes him want to run away.
“Oh, Hansol. You can't possibly be this clueless.”
Huh? Hansol, clueless?
“What do you mean?” A silence stretches between them. “Seungkwan, what are you saying?”
“I'm saying,” Seungkwan takes a step forward, “that I love you too, idiot.”
Wait. This can't be real. Hansol must be dreaming. Seungkwan, Boo Seungkwan, in love with him?
“But— I thought you liked that noona you always talk about.”
Seungkwan cackles. “I'm gay! Even Hoshi knows!”
That makes a lot of sense.
“Huh.”
Seungkwan's close now. Way too close. He can probably hear Hansol hyperventilate.
“Huh,” he mutters, and then grabs Hansol's face.
This is way too fast for Hansol. Not that he hates it— just wishes Seungkwan would notice he's about to die and called an ambulance.
But then Seungkwan leans forward, closes his eyes, and presses his lips against Hansol's. It only lasts for a second, but it's enough to cure Hansol of whatever condition was threatening his life.
“I think I just saw heaven.”
Seungkwan giggles. “Are you okay?”
Hansol nods eagerly. “Do it again.”
And so Seungkwan does. It doesn't evolve into anything else. It's just a peck on the lips, but it's enough to make Hansol's world turn around.
“I'm in love with you,” he confesses.
Seungkwan lets go of Hansol's face. “I'm in love with you, too.”
That went well. Surprisingly well.
“And I love the song you wrote for me.”
“Thank you.”
Seungkwan hums slowly. “It's beautiful, the way you compare me to a star. I really do love it. I cried listening to it.”
“You cried?”
“Yeah. I guess it made me feel too much. And I thought you wrote it for someone else at first.”
Impossible. Hansol would never write something like that for someone who wasn't Seungkwan.
“I… I'd never do that. I've been in love with you for a long time.”
Seungkwan holds his hand, and Hansol can't help but love the softness of it.
“I know.”
Seungkwan knows. Of course he does, he knows everything. He knows when Hansol's upset, even when no one else notices. He knows how much Hansol wishes he was taken seriously more often. He knows.
“I love that you know.”
Seungkwan smirks shyly.
“You have to stop saying you love me. Or any iteration of that.”
But Hansol can't. It's physically impossible, because he loves Seungkwan. He has to let him know he's loved.
“I can't. I love you.”
“Fine,” Seungkwan gives in. “I love you too. Always.”
Always.