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It was a peaceful day at the Nechitaylo residence - as peaceful as it could get, anyway. The clones were playing Minecraft, and decided that the clubs, the spades, and the hearts would all build houses for their respective suits. The diamonds would have been invited, but Dante was fast asleep and could not be woken, and nobody knew where Gabriel was.
"Behold, gaze upon the spades' mighty fortress!" Spade said proudly as he put the finishing touches on his and Waru's building.
"It's much better than the clubs' puny hovel!" Waru cackled maniacally, getting all up in Brolly's face.
"B-but we're just doing this for fun…" Brolly replied anxiously.
"Also, the hearts' castle is bigger than your fortress," Kuromaku said, adjusting his glasses.
"What?!" both the spades cried in unison. Nearly tripping over one another in their haste, they dashed over to Romeo's phone. Sure enough, the hearts' castle was absolutely massive and grand, and it practically dwarfed the spades' fortress.
"Sorry, Waru, but it looks like we've won this time," Felix said smugly. "... But your fortress is very nice too!" he added hastily upon seeing Spade's enraged glare.
"It's just that ours is better," Romeo said proudly.
"I have to admit, it is pretty impressive," Kuromaku acknowledged.
"Yeah, you two did great!" Brolly added with a small smile.
"Well, I'm heading out for a walk," Romeo said, putting his phone in his pocket and heading towards the door. "The world needs its daily dose of Romeo!"
"I'll come with you," Felix offered. And with that, the two hearts walked out of the door.
"I'd better be going as well," Kuromaku said, glancing at his watch. "I have a few books to return to the library."
"Wait for me, Kuromaku!" Brolly said, realizing that the alternative was being alone at home with Spade and Waru.
About two hours later, the two clubs returned to the apartment. The living room was empty, but the door to Fëdor's bedroom was open. Upon entering, they saw Spade on his laptop and Waru on Fëdor's computer, building something together in Minecraft.
"What are you working on?" Brolly asked Spade, peering at his laptop screen.
"We're building a giant pillar out of Cobblestone," Spade explained.
"I see, and what's it for?" Kuromaku inquired.
"We're going to rebuild our fortress on top of the pillar so we can look down on the hearts every time we awaken," Waru said, not taking his eyes off the computer as he built away.
"How long have you two been working on this?" Brolly asked.
"Since you left," Spade replied.
"Putting aside the utter stupidity of this inane plan, it sounds really inefficient if you've been working on it for two hours and aren't even close to completion," Kuromaku said, pushing his glasses up his nose.
"Yeah, this is boring as hell," Waru said. Despite this, he continued to build the pillar. Then he paused. "Maybe we should make Loofah over there build it for us," he grinned, staring ominously at Brolly. Brolly squeaked.
"I thought you wanted it to be representative of the spades suit's skills," Kuromaku reminded Waru. "Brolly isn't a spade. Have you two thought about programming a bot to do it for you?"
"Wouldn't that take all the fun out of building something though?" Brolly pointed out. "It's not as fun if you get a bot to make something instead of creating it yourself."
"If you create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing," Dante piped up from Fëdor's bed.
"Well, this seems to be a rather repetitive task that doesn't involve much creativity," Kuromaku countered. Everyone murmured in agreement.
"Waru, do you know how to program a bot?" Spade asked his jack.
"... No. Do you?"
"Unfortunately I don't. Kuromaku?"
"I'm not very well-versed in programming. I could learn, but like with any skill it would take me a while."
"So who else do we know who might know how to program a bot?" Spade asked. "Whoever it is has got to be someone who's good with computers."
"You could always ask Nicole," Kuromaku suggested.
"Even though she's a canon character, Nicole hasn't appeared in the series even once aside from a few cameos," Waru complained. "We're gonna have to find someone off the internet."
"You two don't have any money," Kuromaku reminded them. "You're not going to be able to pay someone to do it for you."
"I suppose we'll have to find a way to earn some money," Spade mused.
"Maybe you could help Fedya around the house in exchange for an allowance like Felix and Romeo did," Brolly suggested. The hearts had recently taken up simple chores in exchange for money to buy things like clothes and sweets.
"That sounds boring," said Waru. "Maybe we should join the mafia."
"That… sounds illegal. And dangerous…" Brolly said meekly, shrinking away from the two spades.
"Brolly's right," Kuromaku said. "You could easily get killed doing that. One wrong move and you'd both end up in a much warmer place."
"Don't you mean a much better place?" Spade asked.
"No."
"How about getting a job, like that time we worked at a fast food restaurant?" Brolly piped in helpfully.
"At the rate these two are going, I'm surprised they haven't suggested becoming back alley surgeons," Kuromaku sighed.
"I already tried that last week with Romeo, Gabriel, and Dante," Waru said.
"YOU DID WHAT NOW?!" Kuromaku exclaimed. Brolly turned as white as a sheet.
"Yeah, it's not as cool as in the movies. Turns out that people who have money would just rather go to a real doctor. It's not very lucrative," Waru sighed.
"Let's think… you can't invest in the stock market if you don't have any money to begin with…" Kuromaku said, rubbing his chin.
Just then, Romeo and Felix returned. Romeo was carrying a plush toy with a row of sharp teeth and furrowed eyebrows.
"What the hell is that?" asked Waru, pointing at it.
"It's a Labubu!" Romeo said.
"A what now." Kuromaku asked flatly.
"You people are so uncultured," Romeo said disgustedly. "They're only the latest and greatest! Everyone on TikTok is talking about them, so I knew I had to have one. And it was worth every penny! All 8500 of them."
"YOU SPENT 850 DOLLARS ON THAT???" Waru said in disbelief, his jaw dropping.
"No, he spent 85 dollars. You really need to work on your math skills - wait, you spent 85 dollars on that?!" Kuromaku asked.
"Where did you even get dollars in the first place? Aren't we supposed to be using rubles?" Brolly asked. Nobody responded.
"Are all of these… Labubus worth that much money?" Spade asked Romeo.
"Some of them are even more expensive," Felix replied. "I tried to talk him out of buying one but he insisted."
The spades looked at one another with dollar signs in their eyes (not that you could see the ones in Waru's, but oh well).
The spades were quite satisfied with their new plan. It was fairly simple, really - all they had to do was buy knockoff Labubus off the internet and resell them at high prices by passing them off as real ones. And if they got caught… well, it's not like they were people that legally existed, so they couldn't get sent to jail.
"It looks like we still need money to buy the fake Labubus to get started with though," Spade groused.
"I'll be right back," Waru said. He left the room and walked up to Felix, who was in the kitchen looking for a snack.
"Hey, Felix?" Waru asked, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Hello, Waru," Felix said, his eyes narrowing.
"I was just thinking… you know, we argue a lot and we mess with each other all the time. But that doesn't mean we don't care about each other! After all, we're each other's fellow clones and we've known each other since we were created! We're practically brothers! So how about a hug, Felya?" Waru asked, smiling innocently.
Felix stared at him slack-jawed for a second before squealing and pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.
"I care about you too, Warushka! I'm so happy you said all those nice things!" Felix said as he spun Waru around.
"Well, I'd better get back to playing Minecraft with Spade! Wouldn't want to keep him waiting," Waru said in a strained voice.
"Of course," Felix said, releasing Waru. "Have fun!"
"I will!" Waru said as he walked away. "Sucker," he muttered under his breath as he thumbed through Felix's wallet, which he'd snatched from his back pocket during the hug.
Roughly an hour later, the doorbell rang.
"Delivery for Waru Whateveryourlastnameis!" announced a voice.
Waru rushed to the door and handed the delivery man his cash, taking his package in exchange.
The next hour passed by uneventfully, with the spades managing to sell everything rather quickly. One quick trip to the post office later, they'd mailed out their knockoff Labubus and made plenty of money. Soon, they were back home. Spade pulled out his laptop to search for people to hire to program a bot.
Meanwhile, Waru decided that it was high time for one of his usual antics. And so, he pulled Felix's now-empty wallet out of his pocket and tossed it back to him.
"Thanks for the money, Felix!" he chortled.
"What?" Felix asked as he caught the wallet. Then it dawned on him what had happened. "I can't believe I trusted you! YOU LITTLE GREEN RAT! GET BACK HERE!"
And with that, Felix began chasing Waru around the apartment. Felix tripped over Gabriel, who was lying on the floor for unknown reasons, and landed on top of Spade. Spade glowered at Felix and picked up the TV remote, which was lying nearby, and chucked it at him. The remote missed Felix and hit the TV, breaking it.
At that moment, Fëdor walked in through the front door.
"I'm hom - MY TV!"
"I can't believe Fëdor made us give him our money to pay for a new TV," Waru grumbled.
"It's your fault, Waru," Spade hissed. "Now how are we supposed to get money?"
"We could always steal and sell Romeo's Labubu," Waru said.
Spade did a quick search online for the specific Labubu that Romeo owned and found the value. Both he and Waru stared at the screen in stunned silence. It was now worth way more than 85 dollars. They had to get it.
As if by chance, Romeo walked in through the front door.
"Hey Romeo, where's that Labubu you had earlier?" Waru asked.
"I sold it to buy us these DNA ancestry tests!" Romeo said proudly, handing one to each person. "I thought it would be really exciting to figure out where each of us came from!"
Everyone stared in silence.
"What?" Romeo asked.
"... You spent all your money on buying separate DNA tests… for a bunch of genetically identical individuals?" Kuromaku asked, his eye twitching. "Romeo, you realize that we're all clones who possess the exact same DNA, right?"
"... Oops," Romeo said sheepishly. Everyone facepalmed.
"... Anyway, do you guys want to play Minecraft to take our minds off things?" Felix suggested.
"Sure!" said Kuromaku.
"That sounds fun," Romeo agreed. Romeo pulled out his phone, and Felix jumped onto the couch beside him. After his game loaded, Romeo screamed.
"OUR CASTLE!" he screamed, seeing the hearts' castle engulfed in flames.
"WARU!" Felix screamed.
"THE SPADES WIN!" Waru said, laughing maniacally.
"OUR FORTRESS IS BIGGER AND BETTER THAN YOURS!" Spade yelled at Romeo, who simply glared back, looking mildly annoyed.
Kuromaku and Brolly stared in dismay at their castle, which was also on fire.
"... That was all Waru," Spade said.
"Why'd you have to burn down our castle too?" Brolly asked, looking upset.
"BECAUSE IT WAS THERE!" Waru shouted at the top of his lungs.
Kuromaku and Felix rolled up their sleeves and cracked their knuckles.