Chapter Text
Basil set Sunny's framed photo on his desk as he sat down. Staring at it for a few moments, he shook his head then opened his laptop. His report on the flowering patterns of hyacinths was due at eleven fifty-nine PM sharp tonight, and it wasn't going to type itself.
But he did allow himself to spare another glance at the photo.
Basil missed Sunny. That much was apparent. He had made a conscious choice to keep missing him. Basil also knew that Sunny was fine with the way things were. It took a lot for Basil to admit that he was not, because he desperately wanted to be.
Doesn't mean he was going to do anything about it, though. So he started typing about hyacinths.
--
"Get out!"
"What?"
"I hate you!"
--
"How are you?" The psychologist smiles sweetly. Clinically. A practiced smile.
Basil sits down. A beam of sunlight shines through the window, accentuating his expression. "Good. Better than I was."
"And why do you think that?"
"Well, I've learned to handle myself. I've been taking meds on time. I know, rationally, that I have value inherently by myself." Basil recited.
A pregnant pause.
"I still miss him though."
"Why?"
"With him, I felt like I could do anything. In both senses."
--
"Basil?" Sunny shouts, panicked. "Basil! Where are you?"
Basil hides in a corner, sobbing uncontrollably.
Sunny rounds the corner. "Basil!" He rushes over, ready to pull the blonde boy up, but hesitates. "What's wrong? Can you talk about it?"
About five seconds ago, Basil was going to swear that he was never going to tell anyone. But now that Sunny's here, it's almost as if his mouth is on autopilot.
"I was..." Basil attempted and failed to wipe some tears from his eyes. "I was going to jump off the roof."
Sunny, somehow, did not expect that answer. "Basil! Come on, why?"
Normally, when dealing with a suicidal person, one is expected to be more sensitive, more roundabout, avoid triggering words and whatnot. Basil should know; he's dealt with his share of suicidal people. But Basil knew, and Sunny knew that Basil knew, that if it was Sunny saying it to Basil, it would be taken kindly. There wasn't going to be any bullshit between the two of them.
"My parents... they called, and-"
"We both know your parents are the biggest pieces of shit on this planet, and in any other country CPS would've been called on them in three seconds. Why should you care what they say, hmm?"
"I-"
"You're more valuable than that, Basil. If not for yourself, then for me?"
Basil did jump, in the end, but he leapt into Sunny's arms instead.
--
"Sometimes, I feel pathetic compared to him. Like he can do loads of things that I can't."
"We'll make a note of that. Go on."
"It's not- like, rationally, I know I'm better at biology than he is, and I'm in a better university, and other pointless comparisons. But he takes care of me... and I want to be taken care of by him."
"It's..." The psychologist pauses, choosing her words carefully. "Natural to feel that way about someone you're strongly attached to."
Basil glances at his psychologist. "I'm not attached to him, I love him."
She shifts in her seat. "Both can be true at the same time."
--
Dear Sunny:
I shouldn't make a habit of writing these letters. I know they'll never be sent, and you'll never read them, and you won't be happy even if you read them.
I spoke with my psychologist today about you. I told her I love you and she seemed uncomfortable with that. I mean, who can blame her? With our history, it's natural for anyone to be a little bit concerned about that statement. But I really do love you. I love your smile, your pranks, your theatrics, your little ill-timed jokes, everything.
It's almost a law of nature at this point. Every time I see you, I just fall for you harder. I know how to get over you because I've got so much practice at it.
Is it selfish for me to let myself fall further? I know that that is a conscious choice on my part. I could, instead, try to get over you again.
But I don't want to. Loving you is a beautiful thing, even if I will never get what I truly want.
Love,
Basil
--
"She's right. It really is normal, you know." Aubrey said. The diner was noisy, smelled of grease, and the food was generally what you expected, but it was a convenient public place, so Basil had asked Aubrey to meet him there.
"I know it's normal."
"Then stop beating yourself up over it. What you're attracted to won't change in just three years."
"Just?"
Aubrey rolls her eyes. "If you like to dramatise it as endless devotion, then yeah, sure. But it's really not that deep. You love him, you get funny feelings about him."
"You're right." Basil muses.
"I always am." Aubrey scoffs. "Now, since I am such a good therapist, you're gonna pay for this."
"You ordered a large milkshake!"
"Yeah, and it was absolutely heavenly."
Basil shook his head, smiling.
==
Sunny was lying in his bed (8/10, by the way. He changed out the mattresses for some new ones and it was a significant improvement), which was one of his favourite activities. Thinking of people past and present. Hero, who had left him a box of cookies the last time they talked; Kel, who had somehow pressured him into playing basketball with him resulting in a 60 minute game in which Sunny did not touch the ball even once; Aubrey, who had pulled him aside yesterday and offered him a bunch of gummy edibles at the sight of which Sunny almost had a panic attack (what if they get arrested! Sunny still thought this was a valid worry); and Basil.
Sunny doesn't see Basil very often nowadays. He used to. That's not because he doesn't want to, necessarily, but the distance is inconvenient.
Distance, both physical and emotional.
Last time Basil showed up, they had loads of fun. Sunny thinks that Basil did, too; in fact he doesn't need to guess, Basil literally told him it was the most fun he had had. (Isn't that ironic? As if nothing happened two years ago.) Basil clearly was eager to repeat that. To be honest, Sunny would like to too. Sunny would like to see Basil a lot more often, but Sunny never understood why Basil would.
After all, he hurt Basil so much.
--
"Did you ever care about me?"
"Of course I did- but-"
"Then why? Why do this to me?"
--
Sunny wasn't stupid. He knew Basil loved him. He wished he didn't.
Not even because it would be terribly inconvenient, not even because of their history. Sunny knew he wasn't- Basil deserved better than him. Basil should be going out, finding someone as smart as he was, and live out a happily ever after. Better than someone who had hurt him so badly. Better than someone who didn't know how to love.
It's been nearly half a decade. That's a scary thought.
What would Basil say? Basil would tell him off in that chirpy voice he used when talking with him, Don't beat yourself up over my feelings, it's my responsibility! And he would be right. But it didn't make Sunny feel any better. Sunny should know better than to let Basil close. After all, he gets hurt whenever that happens.
But he can't convince himself not to.
He tells himself it's because it'll hurt Basil, but he knows, deep down, in reality, it would hurt him too.
--
"Look, I'm sorry-"
"You know what you did to me? Look what you did to me!"
"I know, I'm sorry-"
"And yet I still love you!"
==
Basil walked through the park, sheltered from the harsh summer sun by the trees planted on the side of the pathway. Despite the weather, he liked to take a walk every so often. The outdoors and the greenery helped clear his mind.
Lately, he had gone on more and more walks. Sunny was constantly on his mind.
It didn't help that last time Sunny and he had hung out it was in this very park. Basil could almost hear his laughter, his gentle ribbing, see his bright eyes betraying an enthusiasm for everything around him, feel his touch as their hands bumped together - little glimpses like that.
Basil knew he dreamt too much. Every touch, every breath, every laugh, just a tiny piece of what it would be like to truly date Sunny. He also really liked dreaming. After all, he's loved Sunny for years now, even if he didn't know it...
A few more hours of dreaming won't hurt.
Basil took out his phone and pressed call.
==
"So, I told her she was a complete and utter idiot, and-" The phone rang, a chorus of diverse meowing sounds emanating from Sunny's pocket. "Oh, sorry Kel, gotta take this call."
"Sure, bud." Kel waved him off. Sunny took a look at the caller ID. Typical, heh. Sunny couldn't, however, bring himself to be annoyed. He picked up.
"Hey, Basil?"
"Hi, Sunny! I was just, um, wondering, if you wanted to hang out sometime?"
"Hmm? Why?" Sunny liked to know whether something was happening to Basil. That way he could say the right things, pay the right attention to him, generally avoid hurting him again.
"Oh, um, just because I m- um, I mean we haven't seen each other for a bit?"
(It was just barely a week ago. But Sunny supposed that counted as a bit.)
"Sure. I'm with Kel right now, talk to you later?"
"Ah, of course, sorry for interrupting you and Kel-"
"Relax, you're talking as if we were on a date-"
"Y-you aren't, right?" came the hushed voice from the other side of the line. Shit.
"No, of course not."
A pregnant pause.
"Well, see you soon!"
"O-of course, bye Sunny!"
"Bye Basil!"
Sunny pretended he didn't hear the whispered 'love you!' from the other side of the line.
--
Which is how Sunny found himself on yet another interstate bus at five in the morning, heading to where Basil lived in Nearby County (which wasn't nearby at all; but Sunny supposed that was more because he lived in a place called Faraway, which was far away from anywhere.) Basil always dressed up for the occasion, sometimes bearing gifts. Sunny took care to do none of that. He didn't want to muddy the waters; he'd hurt Basil enough.
(A little poisonous voice in his head said, Basil's hurt himself enough.)
Nevermind. He checked that his wallet was still with him (you never know). In it was his ID, some cash Mari had gave him just in case, and a photo of the six of them together. (There was, in his opinion, a better photo of Basil. But he refused to put that in his wallet. Not after what happened.) He then checked his phone - still at full battery - at which point a message from Basil popped up.
Basil: Safe travels!
Typical Basil. Sunny typed a smiley face in reply.
They would see each other soon, after all. No need to worry excessively over what could happen.