Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Zam- gosh, sorry for laughing this much, but it’s all your fault. And the pathetic little ways your trying to avoid it are just so silly Zam.” Kaboodle is nearly doubled over, racked with heaving laughs. She can see him weakening in conversation. The fact that he’s still denying it will change soon.

“I just really think you’re taking it a bit far. Like are you even hearing yourself? Is this really who you want to be?” Zam tries to be unphased, but Kab’s clever eyes see the falter in his step, and the restless motion in his arms; crossing, uncrossing. Hands in pocket, hands wrung together.

“I love your deflections Zam, I really do. But we’re the same! We are! I’ve been where you are, and you’ve been me. You know this!”

“I don’t think you have. You just haven’t been on Lifesteal long enough to have this perspective. I’ve met you Kab. Off server, and on server. This just isn’t your play.” Zam says, exasperation in his voice, and a measured coldness in his eyes. He’s tired, which means Kab is winning the exchange, however his words are enough to snuff out the flow of vicious giggles.

“What.” Kab says, shocked back into her analytical mind. Harsh words like that just prove how cruel Zam really is. How all of his pretend kindness, all the help he’s ever offered and not given is just empty.

It’s so stupid how Zam gets to be mean and seen as nice. Whenever Kab tries to be nice, people always assume she wants something, Zam’s never given that scrutiny. Even though he’s just as much a monster as she is.

People on this world have seen him end it. Have seen him covered in blood and madness and gore. He’s killed each and every returning member of this server. And people choose to ignore it.

She hates that. And she hates Zam because of it. It may not be his fault, but it might be. He’s one of the ones spreading ‘forgiveness’ isn’t he. The way he pretends to forgive her while spitting in her apology.

Kaboodle knows how people work, she knows how all of this works, and it’s not like this. this is all fucking wrong, and she hates how people don’t see it.

Kaboodle may be new to this world, but she wasn’t born yesterday. And she was trained by Clown. And no one embodies Lifesteal more than he does. He doesn’t forgive things the way Zam does. No one actually does.

Zam is just a liar. Zam is just like her. And the fact that he can’t see it makes her want to scream.

“You don’t know me.” Kab spits defensively. All Zam says is she doesn’t know him, and he really thinks he knows her? Just one more way that he must think himself better over her.

“Didn’t you say we’re the same? Do I not get to know ‘myself’ now? You’re making mistakes because I can see myself making them too. But do you know what’s stopping me? Prior experiences. Things you don’t have yet.” Zam tries to insist. This is the twisted condensation that she hates him for.

“You think I’m too stupid? Is that it?”

“No? Do you listen when I talk? What?” He tries to deny and deflect, but Kab knows how he thinks.

“You think that I can’t make it in Lifesteal, huh. That’s it isn’t it Zam. You think I’m weak! You think I can’t scheme.”

“No? I didn’t say either of those. Kaboodle I’m just being honest.”

“Oh, honesty! You’re sooo good at honesty aren’t you. I’m sick of hearing how good and kind and honest you are. You’re just as bloodthirsty as I am. I want you to stop fucking pretending, Zam!”

“Kaboodle where is this coming from?” He asks, eyes narrowed. Is he really this stupid?

“From you, Prince Zam. It’s coming from you,” she insists. She can’t believe he’s really this dense. She knows him well, and she knows how much he misses from every little conversation but surely, even he can understand how wrong he is here, right?

“I haven’t said anything that warrants that response.”

“You pretend to be oh so high and mighty. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you, Zam. You’ve done horrible terrible things. I hate you, I hate how no one sees you like I do.” Kaboodle spits.

“Kab do you really think I’m high and mighty?” He sighs, he has the fucking gall to sigh at her. “Like really? Is that really what you’re taking from this?”

“I don’t need to explain myself to you. I know what you are, and I know what I am.” Kab crosses her arms. She does know. She doesn’t have doubts and she doesn’t have regrets. Everything she has done has been for her plans.

“Well, I’m glad you’re confident you know what you’re doing. I sure hope you do.”

“No you don’t,” Kab retorts sharply, frowning harder.

“Wha- Why do you think I don’t care? Why?” Zam sputters, looking lost, “I’ve spent so much time trying to talk to you, to figure out what I can do to help you, and you think I don’t care.”

“You’ve never tried to help me. Shut up! Mane’s killed me a dozen times and you’ve never even tried to help.”

“What can I do against Mane? Even if I was fighting, I’m not strong enough to make a difference.”

“You could try.” Kab snaps, and Zam's face falls. Finally, she’s managed to wipe that stupid grin off his face.