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The small bonfires that the Fisher family did every summer were always special to Belly. Even though the event was always the same, Belly couldn’t help but contain her excitement every year. Cousins was always a special place, always inherently magical. The little traditions Susannah and her mom developed over the year added to that magical feeling Belly always felt. By the time Belly reached for a blanket to get comfortable, most of the family had departed, going back inside to get some rest for the next day. Steven was knocked out on the pool chair beside her. Conrad was wandering around the backyard, his anxious energy almost radiating across the pool and to where she was sitting. She could never read him…she tried, but she felt unsuccessful.
She could read Jeremiah, though. All night, she could tell he was itching to go down to the beach and observe the slow motion of the waves. His anxious energy was easy to read. She would be lying if she said she didn’t want to go down to the beach. Cousins Beach was so beautiful; the waves were so blue, the breeze was the right amount of windy. How could she love anything more? If there was a perfect beach, this was undoubtedly it.
“Psst…Belly,” Jeremiah whispers, throwing a random stick in her direction. It hits her feet, successfully getting her attention and pulling her out of her dazed mindset.
She raises her eyebrows in his direction before taking one last look in Steven’s direction to make sure he is still asleep. “Let’s go down to the beach,” Jeremiah proposes, nodding in the direction he wants to go.
How can she resist? She could never say no to a beach adventure with Jeremiah. Almost as soon as they get up, Conrad’s attention is on them. “If you’re going to the beach, can you get some more sticks for the fire?” He asks politely. Belly agrees because the fire feels nice, even though it has been dying for a few minutes. It would be nice to have a bigger fire.
As Jeremiah and Belly are wandering down to the beach, she soaks in the feeling of her toes on the cold sand, the breeze on her face, and the sound of the waves. Summer was special; she knew that. This summer felt different, though - more special? Heavier? She couldn’t tell. But something definitely shifted. The task Conrad gave them wasn’t difficult, but they didn’t do much talking. Belly collected her sticks, Jeremiah collected his, and the only sounds between the two of them were the waves crashing on the sand.
“I’m getting more twigs than I am driftwood,” Belly jokes, holding up some of her branches as evidence. “I don’t think Conrad will be happy with my twigs.”
Jeremiah grinned, but Belly noticed it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Did she do something? She knows he probably did not want to spend their time at the beach doing a task for Conrad, but they were still at the beach. It was special and fun either way, because they were together. At least that’s how she felt. “You would find more wood if you weren’t so distracted by the seashells.”
Belly feigned ignorance with a big smile on her face that she tried to hide. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jeremiah chuckled and bumped her shoulder lightly and playfully. He lingered close to her longer than usual, but she didn’t mind. She did notice, though. “Of course not. The seashells aren’t distracting at all.”
When they reached the intersection between the sand and the ocean, it was as if a force stopped them from moving. The waves softly grazed Belly’s feet, and she flinched a little at the temperature. It felt good either way. Calming, even. What was not calming was the way Jeremiah was looking at her. Intensely, but like he wanted to keep it a secret. As if he had forgotten that she could always sense his presence.
Belly’s eyes drift over to interrupt Jeremiah’s secret staring session. “You okay?” She whispers.
Jeremiah shrugs his shoulders, but doesn’t answer verbally. It feels like hours before Jeremiah finally answers her. “Do you ever think about us?”
The question would have stopped her in her tracks if they were moving. She noticed the hesitancy in his voice, almost like he was testing the water before fully diving in. Belly felt like she could fall over into the ocean at this question. She repeated it in her head, not fully understanding why he was asking. Or, at least she pretended not to. “Us?”
Jeremiah turns his body so that he is now facing her. He’s shifting, his usual confident self disappearing with the wind. “You, me. Belly and Jeremiah…us, but something else. Something more.”
Belly’s clammy hands were becoming more noticeable at this point. It was like his nervous energy was transferring over to her, overpowering her. She wanted to laugh, maybe punch his shoulder. Pretend he was teasing and she was capable of teasing him back. But something inside of her said he wasn’t teasing her, that he was nervous because he was completely and utterly serious.
“Belly?” Jeremiah whispers. At this point, she realized she had never responded.
“Yes,” she whispers. Something is stopping her from saying what she wants to say. She wanted to say I think about you (and us) all the time. She wanted to say it loudly. Proudly, even. All she could muster was a one-word whisper. Something was stopping her — something she couldn’t name.
Amidst her inner turmoil, she felt Jeremiah’s pinky finger brush against hers. “Why do you ask?” Belly stepped closer, carefully and timidly.
“I don’t want to mess this up, Belly. Every time I think maybe we could…be something, something gets in the way,” Jeremiah stutters.
Belly sighed. “You mean Conrad?”
At the mention of Conrad, Jeremiah’s energy took another shift. He put some distance between them physically, but Belly also felt the emotional distance between them. Hesitation flickered across his face. She knew he wanted to be closer, but something always held him back. Someone held him back. “Everything else, too. You’re important to me,” He says.
Belly slowly stepped forward, closing the distance between them. “You’re important to me, too. Please don’t doubt that.”
The only thing left between them was everything they didn’t say — everything Belly knew she couldn’t possibly say right now. It felt too heavy for her to be sure what she felt. Even worse, she didn’t know exactly what Jeremiah was feeling. Everything was so uncertain, but so sure at the same time. Everything with Jeremiah always felt sure.
Belly didn’t know who leaned in first. It felt like a force pulled them together at the same time. Her eyes closed, and she hoped this would finally be the time. Their time. Maybe everything left unsaid between them could be said with a kiss. Their first kiss. It made Belly nervous, so nervous, and she hoped Jeremiah was feeling the same way.
But then…
“Belly!”
Conrad’s voice pierced through their energy and the quiet of the beach environment. Jeremiah immediately stepped back, so fast he almost stumbled. Belly snapped her head towards the direction Conrad’s voice came from and saw him walking slowly to the two of them. His hands were tucked into the black hoodie he was wearing. “The fire is practically gone by now, guys. Where’s the wood?”
Jeremiah was the first to move towards Conrad. She could hear their conversation, but it felt so far away to her. She could hardly move, as if her feet were chained to the ocean. How could Jeremiah walk away after a moment like that? She felt stuck, figuratively and literally.
Jeremiah’s voice broke through her thoughts. “Bells, you coming?”
Belly laughed nervously and nodded her head, tucking the seashells and twigs she collected into her pockets. As Belly caught up with the two brothers, she tried to move closer to Jeremiah, but Conrad started walking more slowly to fall in line between the two of them. She tried to stop the sigh that she wanted to let surface. How did this always happen? Would something, someone, always be in the middle of her and Jeremiah?