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Loneliness is as illogical a feeling as it is unwelcome.
Yet, to his dismay, it isn't fully unexpected.
All sentient beings crave companionship. Wishing for a place to belong isn't an instinct that the being calling himself Lee Jaheon can suppress, even when he knows better than to hope for it. He's the cat among the pigeons. He knows better than to expect his subordinates won't treat him as such if they knew the truth.
Still, loneliness creeps into his thoughts when he least expects it, constricting against his chest. It's there when Park Minseong tries to invite him for a drink, half-resigned to a negative answer even before they finish the question. When a member of another squad looks at the mask he wears with jealousy, admiration or —if they're on a botched mission— wide-eyed relief.
It's there when he looks at the stars from his balcony and has to remind himself why he endures his life in this place.
Loneliness is his constant companion.
Until Kim Soleum arrives.
Until he walks into yet another briefing room as he's done a hundred times before—thankfully with all of his squad alive and whole— and sees something different spark in the rookie's eyes. It's something that seems halfway between fear and recognition, and nearly makes him break character to reach up and ensure the mask is in place.
Until a long, sleepless night spent half in shadows, talking and trading questions with a man whose secrets seem even greater than his own. Even the knowledge that Kim Soleum thought him a imposter doesn't dampen the kinship he feels for another person so deeply out of place.
Until that desperate plea buried under growing corruption, until Kim Soleum asked Lee Jaheon to monitor his responses as if he was the only one who would truly see him. Until his eyes dimmed day by day and Lee Jaheon feared he would lose the only aspect of his life which still felt true.
After Kim Soleum recovers, the same odd recognition remains in his eyes, but the fear has long since vanished.
Lee Jaheon had known he was lonely, but he'd forgotten how much easier it is to breathe without that permanent crushing weight. He feels stronger too without the vague sense of exhaustion that had plagued him.
After Kim Soleum comes into his life, every day feels like a treasure. Lee Jaheon feels more settled, content in a way he's never felt. He's not sure how to name this warm, unfamiliar feeling in his heart, but he knows he can't bear the thought of returning to his gray existence once again.
And then, just as suddenly, he's gone.
The fluorescent light above flickers, making his eyes water as he pours over the evidence. An untouched cup of coffee, long since gone cold, rests by his elbow. Lee Jaheon dedicates all his time to the case, searching for the missing thread.
The company has given up on Kim Soleum.
Lee Jaheon never will.