Chapter Text
The wind whipped her hair around wildly as she watched the circle of girls pray. They gripped hands and spoke in turn, giving into the wilderness. She only went before her and Travis left on a hunt. The other girls insisted. She did it to please them. They hunted yesterday. The leader of the prayer glances up, barely for a moment, and their gazes snap together. Heat floods her face, and she steps back into one of the huts they’d built months ago, after the fire.
No one but Travis, who did the weird voodoo shit with Lottie separately, sat in the stick made hut. It was small, nice. It certainly wasn't a cabin, but it kept them protected from the outside, and kept them warm. Nat sat on the dirt, still facing outside the hut. She heard shuffling behind her, and the clink of metal.
“Nat.” Travis’ voice rang quietly. He sounded just as he had since Javi. Sad, cold, wounded. None of the words used to describe could fit how he sounded. But when you heard his voice… It hurt, a physical, gut wrenching pain.. It felt like blades against your skin and nails into your back.
“Mm?” She couldn’t pull her gaze from the girl beyond the hut. She had this… aura about her. It sounded ridiculous, but it was true. It made you want to stare at her forever. Her lips moved slowly in question, and the other girls responded, either with annoyance - like Taissa, who, though she claimed it was important, still found the whole thing ridiculous - or with eagerness - like Misty, who was just happy to be included in something.
“Help me prep these.” With more words, she noted how tired his voice sounded. All their voices were. Fifteen months in Middle of Nowhere Canada will do that to you. But Travis had taken on a coldness and solidity that only a fraction of the girls had. Barely room for feeling, emotion, pity, anything like that. It protected you, and it protected others.
But it had also made Travis push her away. He didn’t blame her for Javi’s death. He’d told her that a thousand times over. But his kisses became less, and their hands brushing failed to send electric jolts up her arms and through her systems. Perhaps it wasn’t Travis’ intent, but it had certainly happened. He barely spoke now, unless it was to Lottie, when he got high on Misty's shrooms and whatnot. But her heart didn’t ache like it used to. It didn’t long for his gaze and beg him to stay, for fear of losing him. She didn’t need him like she needed air. Not anymore. But it wasn’t her fault. She had to tell herself that often. He had pushed her away, he had stopped coming to her at all hours.
She sat down across from him, the pile of dead animals between them. They’d only shot a couple rabbits, and a duck. Barely enough to feed the team. As winter neared, the animals became sparse, and their bellies grumbled more often. Even Akilah’s livestock were slowly dying, whether from the team's hunger, or from something else entirely. Usually Shauna prepped the meat, but she was off, god knows where, wallowing in self pity. Sure, she lost a kid, but Travis just lost a brother - much more recent - and he still helped around more than half the girls on the team.
The first cut sent blood draining to the ground, spattering her hands in the process. She tried to remember what coach Scott had told them. Drain the animal, skin it…
Once they were done, and blood stained their hands, Nat and Travis made their way down to the river. They dipped their hands in, noting that the temperature had dropped. Red ran through the flowing river Ana’s they scrubbed violently. She hated the feeling of blood. When it dried up and crusted on your skin. Or when it was wet and thick and warm, reminding you it had once been inside something or someone. She shuddered.
Coldness seeped through her skin, replacing the sticky warm mess that now flowed through the stream. She looked over at Travis. He was scrubbing violently at his hands
Her stomach grumbled loudly again, this time enough to draw Travis’ attention. Her face flushed pink from wild embarrassment and guilt. They were all hungry, why should she get to make it more apparent than others, even if she couldn’t control it. But her worries calmed when Travis cracks a faint grin, but when she looks deeper, his eyes are filled with a sad understanding. She shakes her hands off, and Travis pulls her close. Her shoulders tense a bit, before relaxing into his grasp. His fingers drew circles along her arms, calming her starving stomach and flushed cheeks. She pulled away, not forcefully, but enough to let him know to let go.
“We should get back.” She stated, her gaze straying from him. The trees loomed over them tauntingly. “The others must be wondering where we are.”
“Ya no, uh, ya.” Travis draws his fingers through his hair, suddenly looking ten times more exhausting and ten years older. “Let’s head.”
They walk back with a thick tension between them. She knew not where it sprouted from, nor why. It was burning and awful and she wanted to make it dissipate.
Once they arrived back at the camp, they noticed how the team had gathered in a circle and laughed around a fire. The meat they’d prepped earlier was now being cooked. She took a seat down next to Mari, who was currently bitching at Shauna for god knows what reason. Shauna looked ready to beat Mari to a pulp, and everyone knew she could. They sat and bickered and laughed and ate for hours until the sun fell and twilight flooded the sky.
“God, I’m still starving.” Gen looks over at Nat suddenly, with a smug look across her face. “So, when you and Travis go out on those ‘hunts’ of yours, do you actually look for food for us to eat, or do you just f-.”
Natalie’s eyes snapped to the bitch. She was honestly appalled by Gen’s words, considering all the stuff Gen did to help, or lack thereof. She quickly interrupts “Shut the fuck up, Gen.” She spits her name like it’s a vile word that poisons her tongue. “You know the animals hibernate when it’s winter. Third grade science or some shit like that. You want more food? Pull your weight and help Akilah, or come on hunts.” Her words become harsh. “Don’t just sit around waiting for food to be delivered to you.”
Gen looked embarrassed - rightly so - and dropped her head so her eyes watched her hands in her lap. Misty, who sat beside Gen, began to laugh uncontrollably, and oddly, so did Van and Taissa. Soon enough, the entire team was giggling and laughing at one girl or another.
Nat looked over across the fire, over by where Travis had sat. He spoke silently with Van, who had a determined look on her face, similar to the one when she played. Natalie pulled her eyes two spots over, to where Lottie smiled and let out a soft laugh at something Akilah had said. Something like jealousy flowed with the blood in her veins and the beat of her heart. It was unbearable.
As Natalie stared and observed, she noted how Lottie looked in the firelight. Her hair had lightened to a soft caramel colour. Her eyes had become golden and soft, and her skin glowed. She looked calm, nearly happy. Not like the girl who believed the wilderness spoke to her and she could save them all. Not like the girl who had slammed her head through a window for whatever reason had possessed her. Not like the girl who had been found in a freezing lake at…
Nat was pulled from her thoughts when Lottie’s head turned from Akilah to face her. Their eyes met and nervousness hummed into her fingertips. Her heart stopped and her stomach bubbles with something she hadn’t felt in a long while. Her cheeks burned, but not the way she had earlier with Travis. She wanted to look away, to break eye contact, but she couldn’t. Nor could Lottie, she noticed. Her eyes stayed glued to her own. Only when Akilah tapped on Lottie’s shoulder, did their stare break. Their conversation resumed and Natalie was left looking awkwardly over at the girl. She watched her laugh and smile and look at Akilah through those long eyelashes of hers.
She roughly shoved herself up and tripped over to her hut, which she slept in alone, unlike the other girls, who shared huts in pairs. The only others who had tents alone were Travis - Obviously -, and Lottie. Lottie slept in the hut that looked unique to the other ones. Every other girls hut had regular openings, but Charlotte’s had this circular, window type opening. She let out a sigh as her knees buckled beneath her and she crumbled onto her pile of blankets and pillows, and held herself. Her arms wrapped around her stomach and she pulled her knees to her chin. She hadn’t let herself relax since the cabin burnt down, and now that she was alone, with only the distant sound of her teammates laughing, every pent up emotion and stress started flooding out. Tears poured from her eyes violently, and her grip on her stomach tightened with hunger and desperation. She was so tired and so hungry. She wanted real food, not cooked rabbit that probably carried a million different diseases. She wanted salad, which was ridiculous, because she hated it and only ate it when the cafeteria lady slipped it onto her tray. She wanted salad, and smoothies, and vodka, and a burger, and ugh. She sobbed silently into her knees until she heard the shift of fabric from the entrance to the hut. She looked up and her heart stopped.
Lottie stood there, holding the sheet that covered the entrance. Her lips were pulled down in a frown and her eyes the moment they met her own puffy ones. “Nat?” Her voice wasn’t the lost, confusing one she normally had. Her voice was present, it was there, in that moment. “Nat, what’s wrong.” She sank to her knees, never once breaking her gaze from Natalie’s. Lottie’s hand reached up to cup her cheek, and her first instinct was to flinch away. But after a moment, or several moments, she sunk into the soft palm that held her face.
“I-.” Her voice broke and nothing came out except for another hiccuping sob. Lottie’s thumb brushed up and down her cheek, causing her eyes to unwillingly flutter momentarily.
“Shh, it's ok, take your time.” Lottie pulled her close now, scratching her nails into Nat's scalp.
Natalie tried speaking several more times, she really did. But her voice ceased to make a sound. Lottie just sat patiently waiting. “Ok, how about we try this,” Lottie held her hands in her own. Lottie sat on her heels, while Nat sat once more with her knees pulled to her chin, so their hands hung clasped in the air. “I’ll ask, and you just shake your head yes or no. And if it’s an I don’t know, just squeeze my hands. How does that sound, baby?” She caught the small word Lottie slipped in at the end, and her heart nearly stopped then and there.
Nat barely managed a nod at Lottie’s suggestion, partly from being caught on the word Lottie had called her, partly from exhaustion.
“Ok.” She looked into Nat's eyes. “Is there a specific reason you’re upset?”
Squeeze
“Alright, that’s ok.” Her thumb trailed over the skin of her hand, a silent comfort, going up and down, and up and down. “Did anything tonight add to your… current state?”
Nod.
“Was it at the fire?”
Nod.
“Was it what Gen said?” Natalie replayed the words in her mind. She’d defended herself well in the moment, but to say the words didn’t cut deep…
Nod.
In all honesty, the words reminded her of Jackie in the most god awful, gut wrenching way. She had snapped similar words to her in their first few months out here. Nats chin dipped a bit as she looked down in embarrassment, and also shame. She let her temper get the better of her at that moment.
“Was there more?” Lottie dropped one hand and pulled her chin back up so she met her eyes again.
Nat took a deep breath. “Y-yes.” Good. She found her voice. “I… you kept looking at me a-all day, and…” she hiccuped, and her voice wavered. “I know I’m not imagining things. I can’t be. The way you look at me. But then tonight… you were talking to Akilah, and looking at her the same way almost, and I was losing my mind!” Natalie’s voice became desperate. “And I know you feel what I feel! You have too. And I know, I know. There’s Travis and he and I have something going on, and I think you two did at one point? But god, Charlotte, I-.”
Nat’s cut off by Lottie pressing her mouth to her own. She freezes, but barely for a second, before her hands fly into Lottie’s hair and her lips move in unison with Lottie. Her lips are somehow, surprisingly soft, considering the lack of availability of lip balm. She tasted like cinnamon and autumn rain and felt like those blissful moments in summer when it was the perfect temperature, and the sun shone on you perfectly. Lottie took her lips from Nat’s mouth, down to her jaw, and to her pulse point. Nat's eyes fluttered involuntarily and her breathing became more strained, the breaths coming out sharper and heavier. Her grip tightened on Lottie’s hair as she pulled her back up to meet her lips again. Their kiss was… enamouring. It was everything Nat could have wanted… and then more.
Lottie bit sharply at Nat's lip, and she let out a gasp. Taking advantage of the moment, Lottie slipped her tongue into Nat's mouth. Their tongues rolled and danced against each other. Nat moaned at the taste of Lottie in her mouth. The kiss was mind numbing, yet made her overly aware of everything at the same time. The brush of Lottie’s fingers against her neck, the way her other hand rested on her thigh, the way Lottie was breathing as heavily as her.
Suddenly, too soon, Lottie pulled away. A string of saliva followed her before it snapped, causing Nat to flush red. Her breathing was heavy, and her hair was a hot mess. She could only imagine Nat looked the same. Suddenly, embarrassment flooded her system. Reason: unknown. She looked down, around, pretty much everywhere but Lottie.
“Natalie…” Lottie’s voice was silky against her ears. She finally met her eyes, and her pupils were blown wide. Her cheeks had taken on a flush, and her lips were swollen. “You aren’t imagining things. I just… wasn’t sure if I wasn’t imagining things.”
“God, Lottie!” Natalie let out a tired laugh, an honest smile pulled at her lips. “How could you not be sure? It was so obvious.” Natalie cupped Lottie’s face, suddenly scared she may slip away. She feels the warmth of her skin beneath her palms, warming the chill in her fingertips.
“It really was, wasn’t it?” She breathed out. She picked up a strand of Nat’s grown out hair, twirling it between her fingers. “God you're pretty.” Nats cheeks go pink, probably for the thousandths time that day.
They sat there for a while, enjoying each other. But when they heard the girls outside filing into their respective huts, Lottie shifted awkwardly. The silent question swings in the air between them, waiting for it to be voiced.
When Lottie finally asked, it came as more of a question than a statement.“I should, uh, go, yeah?” Lottie didn’t move, didn’t untangle her hair from her fingers. Just sat, waiting, her eyes occasionally flicking to Nat's lips.
“Yeah…” Nat said, resistance in her tone. She didn’t want her to go. And she could tell Lottie didn’t want to either. It was in her eyes, her breathing, her fingers trailing across Natalie’s arm.
Lottie began to stand, her hands pressing into the ground and pushing herself up. Nat found herself reaching for Lottie’s wrist and looking into her deep brown eyes.
“Lottie.” Natalie’s voice was strained, and her eyes were tired. Her heart pounded violently against her ribs, her nerves thrumming in her ears as she posed the question that had been dancing on her tongue. “Stay?”
“Always.”
The promise burnt Lottie's lips like an oath. The words hung between them like a rope pulled too tight. It consumed them wholly and utterly.
A smile broke out on Nat's lips. It was a shy one, but it was there. Lottie mirrored it, but hers was unrelenting and huge. Natalie laid down and opened her arms for Lottie to climb into. They pulled layers of blankets up to their chins, while still entangled in each other's arms.
That night, Natalie fell asleep without trouble, without fear creeping up her throat. As for Lottie… well, Lottie held her world in her arms, and that was all that mattered.
When they awoke - somehow within minutes of each other - Natalie was cuddled into Lottie, gripping her like a lifeline. Neither of them moved, not for a long while. Lottie’s fingers trailed her body, mapping it. Natalie brushes her hand against the tall girl's face, admiring the softness of her skin, and the shine in her eyes. They hadn’t burnt out, not like Natalie’s, who’d lost her spark years ago, when she was a child. Perhaps it was when she watched her father die, or maybe when she listened to her mother get beat through the thin door that protected her. Lottie was strong. She stayed bright when her mother barely batted an eye at her and her fathers only way of parenting was making hefty donations to the team and giving her hundred dollar allowances.
When they heard a particularly agitating voice from outside, they finally got up. Nat smoothed out her hair and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, while Lottie laced up her boots. Nat had fallen asleep before she could kick her own pair off. They awkwardly step out of Nats hut together, their fingers brushing for a split moment, sending electricity up their fingers, before they parted. Natalie went to wake Travis. He often slept deep into the day and stayed up late into the night. And each morning, when she woke him - much to his displeasure - he gripped a small wooden animal, carved by Javi. She’d never gotten a good enough look to see what it was. She only knew it had four legs and an animal-shaped head.
She shoved Travis’ shoulder, and his reflexes sent his arm flying towards her. He grumbled about five more minutes, and tried to roll over so his back faced her, until she pushed him fully out of the hammock he slept in, sending him sprawling to the earth's floor. He gave her a pissed look, and said he’d be ready in five.
She checked the bin full of bullets, something in her gut telling her to. Her gut was correct, because when she opened it, she found maybe a couple weeks worth of ammo left. Fuck. She checked the gun, making sure it was full, before heading back to Travis.
“We can’t shoot aimlessly anymore.” Nat said as they sat down in the circle of girls. Lottie was about to start her prayer to the wilderness. They locked eyes for a moment, and Charlotte's tongue licked her lips slowly, seductively. Nat suddenly felt very hot. “Only shoot if you’re certain you’ll hit it.”
“Why?” Travis said, clearly not giving two fucks.
“Were low on bullets. Too low.” Nat sighs. “We knew they wouldn’t last forever. I just thought we’d be home by now.” Travis looks over at her, his brows furrowed.
“You still think we’re getting home?” He lets out a cold laugh. His head dropped for a moment before he looked over at her. “You’re the only one who still has hope, Nat.”
“Let’s just…” she tries not to let his words cut too deeply, but they’re like salt in a wound.” “Let’s just not waste bullets, ok?” She turned her attention to Lottie, who cleared her throat.
Lottie instructs everyone to take hands, as always. Nat reluctantly finds Travis’ rough palm. He takes her hand as if he hadn't just told her they’re never going to be found. She still had hope. She had to.
Travis’ thumb begins to trace the skin on the back of her palm, causing her to freeze. She whips her head to him, and hisses under her breath. “Stop that.” She rips her hand away like his is on fire and it’s scalding her skin. He turns to her with furrowed brows, his mouth downturned with confusion.
“Alright, let’s start.” Lottie’s voice disturbed her stare at Travis. The team shut their eyes and dipped their heads, waiting for Lottie to ask the questions. The group stated what they felt, what they heard, and they welcomed Lottie's blessing upon them.
As Nat slings the gun over her shoulder, she feels someone’s presence behind her. She turns, expecting Travis. Instead, she’s met with Lottie standing an inch too close and an inch too far. Natalie reached for her hand slyly, without the noticing of anyone else. Lottie's fingers tied with her own, sending volts of electricity up and down her arms.
“Be safe.” Lottie looked around wearily, as if someone were watching them from high up in a tree. “I… I don't like this. Something bad's gonna happen. I have a feeling.” She squeezed Nat's hands tighter, more urgently. Her lip quivered and her eyes widened. “Please, be safe. Please.”
“Ok, geez, Lot,” Nat snorts. Lottie was worried sure, but a bad feeling. She’d had bad feelings before, and worst was they found a harmless dead guy in the attic. Best case, nothing happened. It was just a feeling. “I’ve done this a thousand times before.” She brought their conjoined hands up to her lips. “Ill be safe. You needn’t worry.”
“Ok.” Lottie let out a breath, then dropped Nat's hand. “Don’t be long.” She walked away from Nat, but just as she passed Nat's ear, she whispered something in her ear. “I think I’ll be visiting you again tonight.”