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Ragatha moved around the kitchen with ease and purpose, preparing a special dinner.
These days it wasn’t often that she was home before Jax was. So, she decided to take advantage of her early-ending shift at the hospital to surprise him when he got home with his favorite meal.
Today was a special day, even if Jax wasn’t aware of it. It marked two months since he started working for his father. That meant two months since he’d made a commitment, two months since he’d last had a cigarette, and more excitingly, two months since they’d been together. It was a lot to celebrate.
Additionally, it had been one month since Jax officially moved in with her and Annie.
Ragatha wouldn’t deny the absolute excitement she felt every time she came home and Jax was here waiting for her, and vice versa. Waking up next to him every morning and falling asleep in his arms at night was everything she’d hoped it would be.
Annie loved having Jax living with them nearly as much as Ragatha. Jax treated her like his own child from day one, and it brought warmth to Ragatha’s heart whenever she saw them interact. She was so lucky.
She was so happy.
She’d just finished straining the homemade spaghetti when she heard his car pull up in the driveway. The soft purr of his engine stopped immediately, and Ragatha could barely contain her excitement at the thought of him coming home to his favorite meal.
They’d eat dinner, tuck Annie into bed, open a bottle of wine, and have the rest of the evening to themselves. She blushed thinking of the possibilities.
Yet the minutes ticked on, and Jax didn’t come inside. Curious to see what the holdup was, Ragatha peered out the window.
Jax was still sitting in his car, staring straight ahead. His head was slumped back, a vacant look in his eyes. His hands were gripping the steering wheel. The sight of him like that filled Ragatha with immediate unease.
What’s wrong with him?
-
Jax realized too late that Ragatha was staring at him through the kitchen window. He’d looked up in time to see her face, her mouth a straight line, her eye wide, eyebrows drawn together in worry.
Shit. Why was she home so early? Normally she’d text him if she got out early like this.
The last thing he needed to do was cause her worry. What he did need was to snap out of it and grow the hell up. Be an adult, for once in your life, Jax.
With a heavy sigh, he grabbed his bag and got out of the car.
-
Ragatha’s nerves were still shaken when Jax stepped through the door, but she did her best to mask them. Maybe it was nothing? It had probably been a rough day for him. His father’s company—J&C Properties—was prosperous, but the environment, although pleasant, was fast-paced and oftentimes hectic. Jax often came home tired and worn out. Ragatha shouldn’t worry. This was normal. Jax was still getting used to his new job.
So instead, she ran to him and threw herself into his arms. Jax dropped his bag to the floor and squeezed her into a tight hug, burying his face in the top of her head. Ragatha inhaled his fresh earthy scent. Long gone were the days where the smell of cigarette smoke clung to his clothing and fur. She was so proud of him.
Jax tilted her chin up and pressed a deep kiss to her lips, arching her backwards enough that she squeaked in surprise. She smiled against his mouth when his arms tightened around her back to keep her from falling. His tongue pressed playfully against her lips.
“Ewwwwww,” came Annie’s tiny voice from behind them.
Ragatha and Jax broke apart, smiling.
“What?” Jax grinned. “Just showing your mommy how much I love her.”
“Gross,” Annie shook her head and returned to her spot on the living room rug, where she’d set up one of her magnetic tile towers. Her favorite stuffed dragon (one Jax had recently bought for her) stood watch beside her.
Ragatha turned her attention back to Jax. With practiced hands, she loosened the tie from around his neck. Slumping his shoulders, he let out a heavy sigh. His hands fell to her waist.
“Why are you home so early, Rags?”
“I had a short shift today,” she said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him close. “Plus, I wanted to surprise you.”
“You did,” he grinned lazily at her. “What smells so good?”
“It may or not be a completely homemade version of your favorite food.”
Jax’s eyes widened. “For real? How the hell did you have time?”
“Today is special,” Ragatha said softly. “I needed to do it right, so I made time.”
Jax looked confused and slightly panicked. He quirked one of his eyebrows at her and looked around. “Please, don’t tell me I forgot like…an anniversary or something. Or a birthday…”
“No!” Ragatha laughed. “It’s been two months since you started your new job!”
Maybe it was her imagination, but Ragatha saw Jax’s smile falter. It was quick enough that if you didn’t know him, you’d miss it. But Ragatha knew him, and knew him well. Yet his smile was back in place just as quickly.
“Cool, two months already…” He let go of her waist. “Time…flies, I guess.”
“It’s also a celebration of two months we’ve been together, and one month since you’ve moved in here with us,” Ragatha added softly.
“See, now that’s something worth celebrating,” Jax said immediately. “That’s much more important than a stupid job.” He kissed her again, quickly. “Let me go change and I’ll be right back down.” He stooped to pick up his bag.
“Jax?” Ragatha called after him as he headed for the stairs.
“Yeah?”
“Is…everything okay?”
There was that falter in his smile again. This time there was no denying it. Ragatha was sure she saw it.
“Of course, Ragatha,” Jax said calmly. “Don’t worry about me.” He turned and bounded up the steps.
-
Jax did something he normally never did, and locked the bedroom door after him. That door was never locked, not unless he and Ragatha were in need of some adult time and they needed to make sure Annie didn’t accidentally wander in in her sleep. They never ever locked each other out. He prayed that Ragatha didn’t try to come up.
He yanked the tie from around his neck and tossed it on the bed, followed quickly by his shirt, belt, and dress pants. He couldn’t get this stifling outfit off himself quick enough. He hated it with a passion. He felt his heartbeat quickening, the same way it had as he was driving to work that day, the same as he felt the last several days. Hell, the last several weeks. His breaths were rapid.
Stepping into their bathroom, he splashed some water on his face before he changed into some comfortable clothes. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He needed to make himself look normal. He couldn’t let Ragatha or Annie see him falling apart like this.
You fucking loser, he said to himself. She goes to work every day at a job ten times harder than yours will ever be, and here you are having a panic attack over it. Get. It. Together.
Jax stared at the photo of Ragatha and Annie he kept on his bedside bureau. His two gorgeous girls, who he loved more than life itself. They deserved the best version of him, not this weakling that he found himself becoming as of late. His hand gave that familiar twitch, something he hadn’t felt in two months: the yearning for a damn cigarette.
No. Nope. He was done.
He unlocked the door and hurried downstairs before Ragatha wondered what was taking him so long.
Earlier that day
Jax was startled out of his reverie when a stack of papers was loudly dropped on the side of his desk. He jolted, gaze darting from the view outside the office window over to his secretary, Martha, who looked like she’d just about had it with him.
“Jeez, could you have dropped those any harder?” He rolled his eyes at her, something she did not appreciate in the slightest.
Martha (or Mrs. Mildenhall, as she was sometimes known) was sweet as could be—if she liked you. If she didn’t…you tended to have a much harder time with her. Jax was currently dancing the fine line between like and dislike in Martha’s eyes.
“I wouldn’t have to slam them down if you’d gone through them the first three times I asked you to, Jax,” Martha said. “They’ve been on your desk since yesterday morning.”
“I’ve been busy,” Jax lied.
Martha placed her hands on her hips. “Busy doing what, pray tell?”
Jax glanced at his computer screen. “Emails.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Important ones,” he added, to seal the deal.
“Right… Well, don’t forget, you have a meeting to attend with your father in half an hour. That’s what these documents were supposed to prep you for.”
“Another one?” Jax looked up in alarm. He already had two today.
“Yes, another one,” Martha said, pointing to his computer screen. She took command of the mouse and clicked around to bring up his calendar. “I added it three days ago.”
“Oh my God. What’s this one about?”
“It’s a meeting with a potential seller of the property downtown. It’s a huge apartment complex that John and Caine have been eyeing for years. If we acquire this property, it’s going to bring in so much business. It’s very important, Jax.”
“Aren’t they all…” he muttered. “Bid deal.”
A heavy, uncomfortable silence fell. Maybe it was his imagination, but Martha’s expression softened when she saw the look on Jax’s face. She took the stack of papers and straightened them into a nice neat pile.
“Hey,” she said, trying to sound cheerful. “When will you bring that little cutie pie Annie back here to visit us?”
Jax shrugged and shook his head. “Maybe soon.”
“Well, I’d love to see her. She’s precious. Ragatha too, of course,” Martha walked to the window and began watering a potted plant that had been bathing in the sun. “Plus, she needs to scare Donna away. That woman’s been eyeing you like prime rib since the day you started here.”
Jax gave a half-hearted laugh in response. He knew Martha was only trying to cheer him up. Part of him appreciated it, the other part of him wanted her to leave. Luckily, she didn’t say anything else. She straightened a few things on his desk for him and left, closing the door behind her. Once he was sure she was gone, Jax grabbed both his ears and tugged them, groaning loudly.
All he’d done since he’d come here was attend meeting after meeting with his father, and sometimes Caine. He never actually talked during any of them. He listened, and stared at the blank notepad in front of him while everyone else nodded with respect when his father spoke, and laughed at Caine’s jokes. No one paid any attention to him, not that he wanted them to in the first place, but it was obvious they didn’t respect him and they knew he didn’t earn his position. It made him feel like an outsider.
He hated being behind this desk. Hated wearing these clothes. Hated making small talk. He also hated that woman Donna who worked a few cubicles down from his office, because he was pretty sure she had the hots for him, and she was twenty years older. He wanted to be home.
He felt utterly pathetic, and deep down, he knew he’d done this to himself.
-
Jax stroked Ragatha’s hair as she lay against his chest. His gaze remained fixed on the ceiling, where shadows of tree branches danced against the moonlight of their open window. His other arm was propped behind his head.
Ragatha held him tightly, her bare chest pressed against his fur. She’d fallen asleep a few minutes prior. Jax was alone with his thoughts.
He was in a quiet and safe enough space to let his mind wander, to have freedom to let his thoughts go and admit that he hated his job. He dreaded going in every day. He despised the constant meetings. He hated small talk.
He already knew this was going to happen when he agreed to join the company. If he hadn’t agreed to join, his father wouldn’t have called Abel to help Ragatha and Annie. If he didn’t call Abel, there was a good chance that Ragatha’s ex would still be walking free. It was a sacrifice he wouldn’t think twice about making again if he had to; he would never regret his decision.
If he quit, though…if he went back on his side of the deal, what then? Would his father take back the money he paid Abel? Would the financial burden fall on Ragatha? Abel was expensive. There was a reason he was the most powerful and sought after lawyer in the city. He had connections and methods that far exceeded any other lawyer’s capabilities and he had a waiting list nearly a year long of people requesting his services.
No…Jax wasn’t going to let that happen. He made a promise, he made a deal, and he was going to see it through.
He glanced at Ragatha, fast asleep against him. His chest ached as he looked at her. She was so beautiful, so peaceful. She looked so relaxed and felt so safe with him. What would she think of him if he gave in and gave up like he wanted to? Would she still feel safe? Would she still feel like she could rely on him?
He promised her he would protect her and Annie. He told her he would take care of them and keep them safe. If he were to give up and give in, she’d see him exactly as he was when she met him. Pathetic, aimless, lazy, unemployed…a mess, a joke of a person with no goals.
She’d leave him for someone who could be all of those things and more for her, and for Annie. A real partner. A real father figure to her daughter. Not a wimp.
The thought of her leaving him for someone else suddenly hit him hard, like a train. The idea that someone else could hold her like this filled him with both anger and dread. That someone out there might provide for her better than he could, the thought crawled under his skin and felt like it was eating him alive.
No…
Jax felt his breathing becoming short and unsteady. His heart was pumping fast and his chest hurt.
Fuck, no, not now.
Too late.
He started to sweat. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose Annie. Oh God, oh God oh God— He squeezed his eyes shut tight.
“Jax?” Ragatha’s groggy voice was pulling at him.
Stop, stop, calm down, don’t let her see you like this.
“Jax!?” She sounded worried now, scared even.
Close your eyes and pretend to sleep. It’ll pass like always.
“Oh my God, Jax…Jax, it’s okay, wake up.” Soft, warm mittens grasped the sides of his face and thumbs circled his cheeks. It was an instant calm for the time being. “It’s okay, shh, it’s okay…it’s just me. You’re home.” She hugged him tight, her arms wrapping around his neck as she pulled him close to her. Somehow his head landed against her chest and he felt her stroking his ears.
Jax could feel his heartbeat slow. His breathing was evening out. It didn’t feel like he was fighting for air anymore, but he still didn’t open his eyes yet. He didn’t want to see her face looking at him so terrified like she probably was. Right now he just enjoyed the petting and the warmth of her body against his.
“There you go,” she soothed. “There…shh…”
She still had no idea he was actually awake. She probably thought this was a nightmare and he was fast asleep. He sorta wished it was.
Fuck, she was so good at this. He felt himself melting into her touch. Then he remembered how often Annie got night terrors and realized Ragatha was a pro at getting her to calm down. This was no different. His arms slowly wrapped around her middle and squeezed tightly. Her familiar scent was like a balm to his nerves. He nuzzled his face against her chest and relished the scent of her fabric skin.
“Oh, Jax,” she kissed his head. “You’re okay, I promise…”
He knew he should open his eyes and talk to her about what happened. He should tell her the truth, that it wasn’t a nightmare, that it was a full on panic attack and it wasn’t the first time it’s happened.
He knew he should. But that would lead to the eventual why, and he wasn’t ready for that.
So instead he drifted back to sleep, lulled by the soft beating of her heart and the warmth of her gentle touch.
-
“You look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks Zoob.”
Jax sat at the bar. His second whisky sour sat untouched in front of him, his finger idly tracing the rim of the glass. Behind the bar, Zooble stared at him suspiciously, squinting their mismatched eyes.
“What’s wrong with you? Are you and Ragatha fighting, or something?”
“No.”
“Okay,” Zooble crossed their arms. “Are you in some sort of financial trouble?”
“No!”
“Are you just a moron, then?” Zooble rolled their eyes. “Why the fuck are you here right now? Shouldn’t you be home? It’s seven o’clock on a Friday night.”
Jax finally lifted his drink and sipped it once. He let the burn of the alcohol soothe his throat for a moment before he downed several more gulps in rapid succession. Better.
“Nah…it’s Girls Night at our place and I…wanted to stay out of it…” the alcohol was finally beginning to hit him hard. “Annie’s at Denny’s…and Pomni and Gangle are at my house…”
“Yeah, Gangle mentioned something about that…” Zooble’s expression softened at the mention of Gangle’s name.
“So, you two’re still…hangin’ out?” Jax pointed at Zooble shakily, with the same hand that held his drink.
“Yup, we are,” Zooble nodded.
“Cool.” Jax downed his drink. “Gimme another one, Zoob.”
“Jax…”
“Pretty pleeeeeease? I’m all alone on a Friday night!”
Zooble looked at the clock, then back at Jax. “Fine, but you’re not driving. I’ll call you a cab or I’ll take you home myself.”
“Awwwww, you’re the best…”
“You’re the worst,” Zooble shook their head.
“Aww, I love you too, Zoobs,” Jax blew Zooble a kiss, and Zooble returned the gesture with a middle finger.
Silence fell between them. As he sipped his third whisky sour, he thought back to that same morning.
Earlier that morning…
“Don’t forget, baby, I have Girls Night tonight after work,” Ragatha called out to Jax from the shower. Steam trailed out the crack in the door. “Denny is picking Annie up from school, so I thought maybe you might enjoy a night to yourself.”
Jax lay flat on his back on the bed, still in his boxers. He stared at the ceiling. Ragatha hadn’t mentioned his “nightmare” from the middle of the night. He was wondering if she’d even bring it up, or if she thought it might be a blow to his ego if she did.
“I remember,” he said.
He appreciated the gesture, but a night to himself wasn’t exactly what he’d prefer. When he was alone with his thoughts, the panic often set in. At least with Ragatha he was distracted.
He heard the shower shut off. Ragatha stepped into the bedroom wrapped in a towel. Jax’s gaze immediately turned to her. He sat up, leaning back on his hands.
“Hey beautiful,” he grinned, eyeing her up and down.
Ragatha blushed. “Jax…” She made her way past him to her drawers to pick out a pair of scrubs. Jax caught her wrist as she passed, gently tugging her into his lap.
“Why don’t you stay home with me today?” he whispered in her ear. “We can both call out and spend the day together.”
“Oh Jax,” she sighed. “You know I wish I could.” She tilted her head back and kissed him softly. “I shouldn’t. And neither should you! You’ve got a big meeting today.”
“I have a big meeting every day, it seems.” Jax’s hands squeezed her sides while he nuzzled and nipped at her neck. “I can miss one.”
“Yes, but you’re speaking at this one, right?”
Jax froze. Fuck. He forgot.
“Uh…huh.”
“Hey,” Ragatha turned to look at him. “Are you okay? Last night…I think you were having a nightmare. You were shaking and breathing hard…and you look a little pale right now.” She felt his forehead. “Do you feel sick?”
“I’m fine,” he lied. “I must’ve been having a weird dream. I don’t remember it.” He took hold of her hand and squeezed it. “Don’t worry about me.” He kissed her palm.
“Hey,” Ragatha said, gently tugging his hand. “Why don’t I skip Girls Night and we can hang out instead? Would you like that?”
Jax would really really love that. But, he was also learning to be less selfish.
“No, you’ve been looking forward to this, Rags. I’ll be fine.”
“You wanna join us?” she asked excitedly. “I’m sure Pomni and Gangle won’t mind—”
“Yes, they would,” Jax shook his head, smirking. “I’ll visit Zooble. No problem.”
“Jax,” Ragatha smiled. “I am so proud of you. I just want you to know that.” She pulled him into a hug. “You’re doing such amazing things.”
Jax wished she knew how much her hugs healed him, even if the words she spoke were words he didn’t deserve or believe. He returned the pressure with his arms around her, before he slipped his hands under her legs and flipped them so he hovered over her. Her towel fell off.
“Whoops,” he chuckled. “My bad.”
“Jaaaax!” she squealed, as he attacked her with hungry little kisses.
“Yes, my beautiful girlfriend?”
“I just took a shower!”
“So?”
“We have work!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be quick.”
Ragatha opened her mouth like she wanted to argue with him. Then, in a much smaller voice, she spoke again.
“Not too quick. Okay?”
The way she smiled up at him before he leaned in and kissed her would live in his head for days, and get him through some of his darkest moments.
…
“How’s work going?”
Jax shook his head and stared at Zooble. They looked back at him curiously, holding an empty glass in one hand and a towel in the other.
“What?”
“I asked how work is going.”
Jax blinked and downed the rest of his drink. Choosing to ignore Zooble’s question, he tapped the side of the glass.
“No more,” Zooble shook their head.
“I’m a paying customer.”
“I can’t remember the last time you paid me.”
“Just give me another one.”
“Not unless you eat something.”
Jax growled. “Fine!” He waved his hand in the direction of the kitchen. “Whatever. I don’t care. Go away.”
Zooble raised an eyebrow and disappeared through the double doors that led to the kitchen area. Jax sat alone at the bar as people filed in around him, talking and laughing. He checked his phone to make sure Ragatha hadn’t tried to reach him, which she hadn’t.
Would she still be proud of him if he told her how he hated every second of speaking during his meeting today? How it felt as though all those people watching him were secretly talking behind his back about all his ineptitudes, accusing him of being a product of nepotism, rooting for him to fail?
No. He doubted she’d be proud of him.
“Here.”
He looked up in time to see Zooble toss a plate down in front of him. It was a giant cheeseburger and a side of fries.
“What’s this?” Jax slurred. His mind worked better than his mouth did at the moment.
“Eat it. It’ll soak up some of the alcohol.”
“Cool. Can I have my drink now?”
“Food first, drink later.”
“You’re no fun…”
“I’m not trying to be.”
Jax glared at Zooble before he took a large bite out of the burger. It was good…just what he needed. He hadn’t eaten all day.
“Once I see that you’ve eaten all of it, maybe then I’ll consider giving you another drink. Only then.”
“Yeah, yeah…”
-
Ragatha was starting to worry. She’d called Jax three times now, and he wasn’t picking up his phone. Pomni and Gangle were helping her clean up, but her mind was elsewhere.
“I’m sure he’s okay,” Pomni said soothingly.
“It’s not like him to not answer his phone,” Ragatha shook her head. Her stomach was in knots. “Gangle, I know you and Zooble are close…can you call them and ask if Jax is still at the bar?
“On it,” Gangle nodded and whipped out her phone.
Ragatha glanced at her own phone. It was nine o’clock. Jax knew her Girls Night usually ended by then if it fell on a weeknight. He should’ve been back by now.
“Zooble?” Gangle’s voice made Ragatha snap her attention back to her friend. “Is Jax still there with you?”
Ragatha’s heart was pounding. The tension released somewhat when Gangle let out a relieved sigh.
“What?” Ragatha pressed.
“Okay, talk to you soon,” Gangle said, and hung up. “Zooble is bringing him home.”
“Why?” Ragatha asked, alarmed. “Is he okay?”
“He…had a bit too much to drink.”
“Oh…”
“They’re on the way.”
“We can wait with you,” Pomni said gently, placing a hand on Ragatha’s shoulder.
Too much to drink?
“N-no, it’s okay,” Ragatha shook her head. “Go home and rest. We have work tomorrow, anyway. I’ll be fine.”
“We’re staying with you,” Gargle said firmly. “You look visibly upset, Ragatha.”
“It’s…just not like him to get drunk like that,” she said in a small voice. “He knows better. He has work tomorrow.”
“I’m sure there’s a reason,” Pomni said. “If there’s not, then we’ll give him hell for you once he sobers up.”
Ragtha laughed shakily. “That’s not necessary, but thank you…”
The minutes passed in silence as the girls moved around the living room and kitchen. Finally, there was a knock at the front door. Ragatha immediately opened it. Zooble stood with Jax’s arm draped over their shoulder. Jax’s head hung low, his body limp looking, as though he’d drop at any minute.
“I’m sorry about this, Ragatha,” Zooble said apologetically.
“R-Ragatha?” Jax muttered. He lifted his head to look at her. He looked awful. His eyes were red-rimmed his cheeks were flushed from the alcohol. His ears drooped on either side of his head. “B-babe?”
“Jax…” she sighed. “Why?”
“W-wha? Why what?”
“Where do you want him?” Zooble asked.
Ragatha pinched the bridge of her nose. “Can you please bring him up to our room?”
“Can do,” Zooble nodded. “Come on, lightweight.”
As Zooble all but dragged Jax to their bedroom, Ragatha watched them go with a knot in her stomach.
“You gonna be okay?” Pomni asked.
“I’ll be fine,” she sighed. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Alright…call us if you need us, okay?” Gangle added.
“Of course. Thank you both. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, okay?”
Zooble came back downstairs at the same time that Pomni and Gangle were heading out, and the three left together, leaving Ragatha alone. She took her time to compose her thoughts before she went to check on Jax. She put the last of the wine glasses in the dishwasher and turned off the downstairs lights.
Jax was sprawled on their bed when she got to their room, facedown in the mattress. He was still fully dressed in his work clothes, though his shoes were kicked off in the corner of the room.
Ragatha sat on the edge of the bed beside him. With a tentative hand, she gently shook his shoulder.
“Jax?” She spoke softly, cautiously. She’d never seen him this drunk before. Sure, they’d been tipsy together plenty of times, but this was a whole other level. She didn’t know what to expect. “Are you still awake?”
“Raggy?”
“I’m here.”
“I’m sorry…”
“What happened?” Ragatha asked. “Why did you let yourself get this way? I know you said you were going to visit Zooble, but…Jax…”
“I’m sorry…” he said again.
“Can you talk to me?” She gently shook him again. He groaned in response, like the movement pained him.
“Okay,” Ragatha sighed. “We can talk tomorrow.” She knew it was no use trying to get anything out of him right now. She’d been a nurse long enough to know that conversation was useless in his current state, and he was going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning. “I’m going to get you some water.”
“I’m…sorry.”
“I know, Jax.”
Though Jax fell asleep instantly, Ragatha tossed and turned all night. Something was bothering him, and she needed to find out what it was.
Thoughts unwelcome swirled in her brain. Was this too much for him? Was he sick of her? Was she putting too much responsibility and pressure on him? She tended to forget he was eight years younger than her. Would he become resentful?
No, no don’t think like that.
She’d talk to him when he was sober. She’d find out exactly what was wrong and help him through it, whatever it was. They were a team now. They—
“Zooble?”
Jax’s voice made Ragatha jump. She rolled onto her other side to face him, but he was still asleep.
“Don’t tell her…” Jax muttered in his sleep. His brow furrowed.
Ragatha’s stomach dropped. Was he talking about her?
“Jax?” she whispered.
“She’ll be…disappointed in me…”
Ragatha sat up, unsure what to do. She wanted to wake him up so badly, but he was useless in this drunken state.
“Love her…”
Eventually, his mumbling ceased and he started snoring. Unable to do anything other than wait, she eventually fell into an uneasy, restless sleep.
-
The sound of vomiting woke Ragatha up before her usual alarm. Bleary-eyed, exhausted from lack of any sufficient sleep, she blinked her eyes open. It was still dark out. The digital alarm clock read four in the morning.
More vomiting, following by moaning. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and hurried to their bathroom.
Jax was on his knees in front of the toilet, hunched over and shaking. He looked like an absolute mess. His work pants were tossed to the side, his dress shirt unbuttoned. His ears were drooped pathetically as his shoulders shook with another heave. The awful sound and stench of vomit filled the air.
“Jax…” Ragatha hurried to his side, kneeling on the tile floor next to him. She wrapped her arms around his middle. Her hand rubbed his back soothingly.
He jumped at her touch, breathing hard from his mouth. Bleary eyes and a pale face turned toward her.
“I’m sorry,” Jax managed to croak out. His voice was raspy.
“Shh,” she continued to rub his back while he hunched over again. “Don’t talk. It’ll make it worse.”
Jax nodded and closed his eyes, hugging the rim of the toilet bowl. Ragatha sat with him, waiting, as he emptied his stomach. Finally, after several quiet minutes he seemed to be done.
“Fuck…” he groaned, slumping forward.
“Come on Jax,” Ragatha whispered. She stood and gently lifted Jax up with her. “You need to shower and brush your teeth, and I promise you’ll feel better. Then we need to get you some water.”
Jax didn’t say anything. He just did as she told him. She helped him strip down and gently guided him into the shower, scrubbing his fur of any of the sick that might have splashed up onto him. She took her time, working the suds into his fur with her hands until it was time to rinse him clean. He looked so vacant and defeated in his expression. Ragatha hated seeing him this way.
After he brushed his teeth, she helped him into a clean pair of sweatpants, got him back into bed, and placed a tall glass of water and some aspirin on his bedside table.
“Drink this,” she ordered him. The way she spoke left little room for discussion. Jax obeyed without arguing. Ragatha caressed the back of his head as he drank. Then he took the aspirin with another gulp of water, and slid under the covers.
“I don’t think I deserve you,” he muttered, as his eyes fluttered and struggled to stay open. It was the first thing he’d said since his apology while throwing up. “Actually, I know I don’t. I’m sorry, Ragatha…for all of this.”
“You can make it up to me another time,” she said softly, climbing into bed next to him. “For now, just feel better.”
“I feel like my head is split open.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that a lot.”
“I mean it.”
Ragatha sighed. She turned to face him and snuggled closer until her chest pressed against his arm.
“Go to sleep, Jax. You’re probably not going to feel well enough for work in a few hours, so at least try to rest.”
“Big deal,” he muttered, finally closing his eyes. “Not like they need me, anyway…” He grimaced in pain. “Fuck, my head…”
“I know, babe. Sleep.” She leaned in and kissed his forehead.
“Okay…” Jax let out a deep sigh. “Ragatha?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. I’m sorry.”
Something uncomfortable stirred in her chest. Was he still apologizing for getting drunk at this point, or was it for something more?
“I love you too,” Ragatha said truthfully. “Please, Jax, get some rest.”
Jax rolled onto his side so he was facing her. One of his long arms came to drape over her, hugging her close. Curling around her, he buried his nose in her hair. Flush with his chest, Ragatha could smell the clean scent of his fur, still damp from the shower. Physically drained, Jax was out within minutes.
Ragatha wished she could do the same, but sleep avoided her, until her alarm finally went off. She untangled herself from Jax’s grip and stood up to get ready for her day.
-
Ragatha didn’t tell Jax that her shift technically didn’t start until ten o’clock that morning. She wanted to take her time to think, and to do some investigating.
Jax was still in a deep sleep by the time Ragatha had left the house. She left him a note and prepared a light breakfast for him for when he woke up.
Feel better, Bunny. I love you. I’ll see you this afternoon. PS. I’ll let your dad know you’re not coming in today.
Ragatha drove straight to Jax’s father’s company after dropping Annie off at school to tell him just that.
Ragatha had been to J&C Properties only two times before this, but she remembered the layout of the building well. Jax and his father’s offices were up on the third floor (which was also the top floor). She greeted the main receptionist as she walked to the elevators.
Martha, their secretary, was clicking away at her keyboard when Ragatha entered.
“Ragatha!” Martha smiled brightly at her. “What a surprise to see you! I didn’t know you were coming by today, Jax didn’t mention it! Speaking of Jax…where is he?”
“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Ragatha said. “He’s not feeling well today. He’s going to stay home.”
“Oh dear,” Martha frowned. “I hope he’s alright.”
“Thanks Martha. He just needs to rest today. He’ll be good as new tomorrow.”
“Good,” Martha nodded. “You know dear, as much as I love seeing you, you could have called…I feel awful you drove all the way here just for that.”
“Well,” Ragatha said, “it’s not just that… I actually wanted to speak with John, if he’s available.”
“Oh!” Martha nodded. “Of course. He and Caine are in a meeting, but it shouldn’t be more than another fifteen minutes, if you don’t mind waiting.”
“That’s fine,” Ragatha nodded. “I’ll wait in Jax’s office.”
“Perfect,” Martha smiled. “Oh, and please take these to Annie, if it’s alright with you.” She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a bag of candies. “I’ve been saving them for her. I know she loves them.”
“Thank you,” Ragatha said. “That’s so kind of you, Martha! Annie will be so excited. I promise I’ll bring her to come visit soon.”
“I can’t wait. She’s precious. John doesn’t stop talking about her.”
“I’m happy to hear that. Annie loves John very much, too.” With a wave, Ragatha stepped into Jax’s office, closing the door behind her.
His office was large. It was easily spacious enough for two people. Jax always mentioned how he didn’t need all this room. A massive mahogany desk that matched his father’s stood against the far wall, with two expensive-looking leather seats in front of it. To the right of the desk, just below the floor-to-ceiling windows, sat a matching black leather couch. Jax had his own private bathroom, his own coffee pot, a television on the far left wall…to anyone else, it would be a dream office. He even had a fish tank with a dozen multicolored fish that he often forgot to feed. Luckily Martha stayed on top of that, just as she kept up with watering his plants. Annie loved the fish tank. She’d even named all the fish.
On the wall behind Jax’s desk were his framed diplomas from college and graduate school, no doubt put there at the urging of John. Ragatha knew Jax hated everything about college, and wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.
Ragatha walked over to his desk, where stacks of folders had been neatly arranged in piles. Running her hand along the smooth dark wood, she pulled his plush leather chair out from behind the desk and took a seat.
The first thing she noticed was the framed artwork of the three of them Annie had drawn for Jax at school. Jax kept it on the corner of his desk so he could look at it whenever he wanted. Her heart filled and her emotions threatened to bubble over at the sight of it. Next to it was a framed photo of Ragatha and Annie together.
She loved him so much. She knew something was wrong with him, knew he was hurting, and she needed to know why. Why couldn’t he just tell her? Why wouldn’t he just open up?
Her eye landed on a notepad she hadn’t noticed before. It was partially obscured by one of the many folders, but she recognized Jax’s messy scrawl. Curiosity got the best of her and she tugged it free.
The page was divided into two columns. One read: Reasons I hate this job and the other read Reasons I won’t quit no matter what.
Sadly, the first column was bullet point after bullet point of things. Meetings. People. Donna down the hall. Small talk. Schmoozing with idiots. Meetings. Wearing a tie. Boring. Boardroom nonsense. Bad jokes. Meetings. Not for me. Probably going to disappoint my dad again.
The second column was far shorter. It simply read: Ragatha and Annie.
“Jax…” Ragatha whispered. Why didn’t he tell her? The fact that he was only here because he felt like he needed to, that it would disappoint her if he quit… She needed to tell him how wrong he was.
“Ragatha?” Ragatha looked up. Martha stood in the doorway. “John is in his office, whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you,” Ragatha smiled. She tucked the notebook back where she found it.
When she entered John’s office, he came around his desk to wrap her in a huge hug. One thing was certain, and that was that John and his wife had treated Ragatha with the utmost kindness since day one. He gestured to the leather seat in front of his desk.
“Is everything okay?” John asked. “Martha told me Jax isn’t feeling well today.”
“I’m afraid he’s got a stomach bug,” Ragatha half-lied. “He’s resting. I told him I’d call you for him, but I actually stopped by in person because I wanted to talk to you about something.”
John looked at her curiously. “Of course, Ragatha. What would you like to talk about?”
“Jax,” she said softly. “How’s he doing? Here, I mean.”
John’s expression shifted. He let out a heavy sigh and sat up straighter in his chair.
“He’s…adapting.”
“Is he adapting well?” Ragatha pressed. “Because he seems…off, lately. I can tell there’s something wrong and when I ask him, he pretends he’s fine. I know he’s not fine.”
“Truth be told, I don’t know yet,” John said. “He’s quiet during most of our meetings. I can’t tell if he’s actually listening or not. Yesterday he gave a presentation, and while he did fine, I know his heart wasn’t in it. When we take him to meet clients, he doesn’t say a word to them.” John shook his head. “I want him to take over this place someday, but…I don’t think that’s within the realm of possibility at this rate.”
Ragatha thought about the way Jax looked two days prior when he was in his car. Defeated, drained, expressionless…she’d hated seeing him like that. Then for him to pretend that it was all okay when it obviously wasn’t, just so he didn’t disappoint her… She wished he would be upfront with her. She wished he understood that she loved him no matter what, even if this job wasn’t for him. It didn’t make her think any less of him and it never would. She could help him find a new job, something he was happy doing. This wasn’t the end-all-be-all for him, it never had to be. It—
“I know he only took this job so I would call Abel for him,” John went on, shaking his head. “I know he wouldn’t have, otherwise.”
“What?” Ragatha’s eye widened. Did she hear him correctly? Did he just say what she thought he said?
John looked sharply at Ragatha. He must’ve realized he’d said something that he probably shouldn’t have, because he looked nervous as he started to backtrack.
“What I mean is…I know now, and I would have called Abel no matter what, had I known…”
Oh my God…
“John,” Ragatha said softly. “Please be honest with me. Did Jax only take this job so you’d contact Abel to be my lawyer?” Her hands fidgeted nervously in her lap.
John’s eyes softened the same way Jax’s did. They had the same mannerisms when it came to expressing their emotions.
“Yes, Ragatha,” he finally said. “Jax came to me and asked me to hire Abel to represent you. Initially I said no. I didn’t want to involve Abel, and I didn’t realize at the time how very important you were to Jax, and I’m ashamed to be admitting that now. If the situation were to happen again, I’d do it without hesitation. I’m sorry for that, but…you have to understand…I knew nothing about you. Jax wasn’t the type to settle down. He was always impulsive, selfish, disinterested in any type of responsibility. Forgive me for saying this, but I didn’t think you and he would…go long term like this.”
Ragatha looked away, staring pointedly at the wall. She remembered how Jax had told her—had insisted—that everything was paid for. Everything was all set. This was why. He paid with his career. A career he didn’t want in the first place.
“I…”
“Ragatha,” John said pointedly. “I want you to know, I was wrong about everything. Every doubt I had was squashed the moment I saw Jax around you. You helped change him for the better, and he loves you. I can’t thank you enough for what you do for him. So please, understand, that I would do it all again if I could and not ask for a single thing in return from Jax if it meant keeping you and Annie safe.”
“I understand,” Ragatha said softly. “I…need to pay you back for this. This can’t fall on Jax. This is too much for him…”
“You will not pay me back a single cent,” John said firmly. “I will not accept it.”
“Jax can’t work like this,” Ragatha shook her head. “It’s not a good fit for him. I know you hoped he would follow in your footsteps, but it’s not working.”
“I know,” John sighed. “I was wrong to assume. He’s so incredibly bright. He has so much to give, and I want him to use his talents and knowledge wisely.”
Ragatha bit her lip. “Maybe…I can talk to him. Get a feel for what he’d rather do…” She sighed heavily. “What other positions might be available here?”
“Not much at the moment,” John shook his head. “An accountant, but Jax isn’t suited for that. We’re also looking for a salesman, which I’m sure he’d be good at, but…”
“No,” Ragatha shook her head. “Too much face-to-face interaction…he’ll hate it.”
“It would get him out of the office. Out on the road, traveling all over the city. This sales position is unique because it combines advertising with sales.”
“Still…” Ragatha knew Jax wouldn’t want to have to deal with people like that, pretending to like them to earn their business, sell them properties, rent them apartments…
“We just brokered a huge deal,” John said suddenly. “The large apartment complex downtown…we just bought it.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,” John nodded. “It was a long process and a lot of work, but now we own it and plan on renovating it completely before we start renting it out. A complex that size will need a property manager. Someone who oversees the day-to-day. Checks in on things as needed. Reports any issues to me or Caine.”
“Hmm…” Ragatha hummed. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Could this position be remote, if needed?”
John tilted his head, as though he was thinking about it. Finally he shrugged. “I suppose it could be, but coming into the office would be necessary once in a while.”
“Of course.”
“At least once a week.”
“That’s only fair.”
“Do you think Jax would go for it?” John asked.
“It depends,” Ragatha said. “Will he have to deal with a lot of people in person?”
“No, most of the communication could be done via email or phone call. Most people would be reporting to him. He’d have his own team to manage, since the property is so large.”
Ragatha nodded. “This could be something to consider. Let me talk to him. I’ll let you know how it goes.” She stood to leave. Work would have to make due without her. She was going to take a personal day. She barely ever did, anyway.
“Of course, Ragatha,” John said, also standing. “Thank you for coming to see me, and letting me know what’s been going on. I know Jax wouldn’t have told me otherwise. He’s stubborn like that. He’s is lucky to have you.”
“I’m lucky to have him too,” Ragatha said truthfully. “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
“Ragatha?”
“Yes?”
“You and Annie mean a great deal to Mariela and me. I want to make sure you know that.”
“I know,” Ragatha smiled. “Thank you. And thank you for trusting me with your son.”
“I should be thanking you,” John chuckled. “Not the other way around. Come on, I’ll walk you out.”
-
Jax felt himself slowly waking up. His eyes wanted to stay closed, since his head was pounding something fierce. He reached out with his arm, feeling for the other side of the bed where he expected to come into contact with Ragatha’s plush body, but his hand met nothing but cold sheets. He cracked one eye open.
Ragatha was nowhere to be found. In her place was a breakfast tray and a large bottle of water. She’d left the curtains closed, no doubt knowing that the harsh morning light would be too much for him first thing in the morning after last night.
Oh my God. Last night.
Jax groaned and covered his face with his arm. How could he let himself get that way? How could he be so stupid and careless? What must Ragatha think of him?
Slowly, he sat himself up. He spotted a note Ragatha had left for him, along with some fruit and toast. Two aspirin sat on a napkin next to the jug of water, on which a sticky note read “DRINK THIS PLEASE” in big bold letters, with a heart. Jax had to laugh. Even when she was trying to be firm, Ragatha couldn’t help but be adorable.
He picked up the note and read it, despite the throbbing in his head.
I’ll let your dad know you’re not coming in today.
Hopefully she didn’t tell him why, but Jax knew Ragatha had more sense than that. Dutifully, he took the medicine with the water and laid back against his pillow, waiting for the headache to pass.
He prayed that he didn’t say anything stupid that he couldn’t remember. Slightly panicked at the thought, he checked his phone. He had two texts from Zooble, one asking if he was okay, sent early this morning, followed by a second one that read:
Text me when you get this so I know you’re not dead, idiot.
Jax typed his response. Not dead. But did I say anything embarrassing yesterday?
Zooble’s response was instant.
Depends on what you consider embarrassing.
“Ugh,” Jax groaned. He decided to call them instead.
“You really can be stupid,” Zooble said by way of greeting.
“What did I say?” Jax asked.
“I mean, in all honestly, not much…just that Ragatha was going to be so disappointed in you, and that you love her. Nothing crazy, dude.”
Okay, if that was the extent of it, that wasn’t too bad.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, that was it. You might’ve cried, too.”
“I what?”
“I’m just fucking with you. You didn’t cry.”
“Asshole,” Jax growled. His ears perked when he heard the front door open and close from downstairs. “I gotta go.”
Soft footsteps. Ragatha’s footsteps. What was she doing home already? He heard her coming up the stairs. He drank a bit more of the water she’d left out for him.
The door cracked open slowly and Ragatha peered inside. She must not have been expecting him to be awake, because she looked surprised to see him. Still, she smiled wide.
“Jax,” she rushed over, sitting sideways on the bed beside him. “How’re you feeling?” She cupped his cheek with one hand.
“I’m better than before,” he said truthfully. “What’re you going here? Why aren’t you at work?”
“I’m taking a personal day,” she shrugged.
“Because of me?” Jax’s yellow eyes widened. “I’m not a kid, Rags. You don’t need to take care of me all day…”
“Maybe I want to,” she shrugged, running her hand up over one of his ears.
Fuuuuck. She knew his weak spots. He tilted his head into her touch, letting her play with his ear for as long as she liked.
“Jax?”
“Yeah?” His eyes were closed. The pounding in his head wasn’t nearly as bad.
“You know how much I love you, right?”
Jax opened one eye to peer at her. “Yeah, of course I do,” he said softly. “I love you too.”
“You know that you can always talk to me about things. We’re together now. You know that I’ll support you no matter what, right?”
Jax felt strange at those words. Why was she talking like this?
“I…know,” he said. “What’s going on, Rags?”
Ragatha removed her hand, much to Jax’s dismay. Instead, she climbed into bed and cuddled up next to him, pulling him over her so his head was cushioned on her chest. Jax barely had time to complain before she was stroking his ears again, and then suddenly he forgot what it was he was going to complain about in the first place.
“Jax, why didn’t you tell me how much you hate your job?”
Jax froze.
“What?”
“It’s okay,” Ragatha said softly. “It’s fine, Jax…”
“Rags—”
“Jax,” she said, “I know why you took this job in the first place.”
What?
“What are you talking about?” Jax tried to laugh it off. “I took this job because I needed a job, Ragatha. That’s all.” He pulled away from her and sat up.
She looked at him, and her expression was sad. He knew that she knew he was lying. He hated that he was the cause of that expression.
“Please,” she said. “Be honest with me.”
She knows. Be honest.
Jax sighed. “Ragatha,” he said, “I took that job because that was what I had to do to help keep you and Annie safe. I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s a choice I made.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ragatha asked softly.
“Because I knew you’d try to talk me out of it,” Jax said. “Because I know you, Rags. I know how you think. You’d never have agreed.”
Ragatha looked upset. Jax didn’t want to make her upset. He reached for her hand and felt relief when she squeezed his palm.
“I want you to be honest with me,” she said. “Always honest, Jax. You have that from me, always. I need that from you in return.”
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I know…I just…what would you have thought of me? What do you think of me? How pathetic am I…”
“No,” Ragatha shook her head. “I’d have done the same thing I’m going to do now, which is help you figure this out.”
Another question ate at him. He needed to know the answer.
“How did you find out about the Abel thing?”
“I paid a visit to your dad this morning,” Ragatha said. “You haven’t seemed like yourself and I had a feeling it might have to do with work. Either that, or I thought it might have to do with me…” She looked away.
Never.
“Hey, don’t ever think that,” Jax said firmly, tugging her into his lap. He turned her head so she was looking at him directly. “Not at all, okay? Not even close.”
“Okay.”
“Good. What else did my dad give away, might I ask?”
“Nothing much, really,” Ragatha shook her head. “What I’d like to talk about are other options for you.”
“Other options?”
“Yes.”
“Ragatha, it’s fine. I can do this.”
“Stop it, and listen to me,” she said firmly. Shit, she was using that tone with him. It usually worked. It was working. He did what she said. “Your dad told me they’re looking for a property manager to run the new complex.”
“Okay…”
“Jax,” Ragatha put her hands on his shoulders. “I think that person should be you.”
Jax blinked at her. “Why me?”
“It’s something you’ll be so good at, Jax! It’s mostly remote. You can work from home. We can convert the third bedroom into a home office.”
The idea of working from home was already appealing to him. If it meant he didn’t have to wear a tie every day, drive to that office every day, make stupid small talk with people he couldn’t stand…it would be amazing. Plus, he’d be around Ragatha and Annie more…
“What else?” He tried to sound nonchalant.
“You’d mostly correspond with people via email or phone calls. Not much face-to-face interaction unless you’re on site, or in the office, which you’ll still have to do at least once a week.”
Doable.
“Hmm…”
“Jax.”
“Yeah?”
“Will you consider it?”
“I already am.”
Ragatha’s eye brightened. She looked excited. “Really?”
“Yes, really,” he nodded. “I mean, it already sounds tons better than this…”
“You’d even have a whole team to boss around,” she added playfully. “Be nice to them.”
“Eh, that’s to be determined.”
“Jax!”
“I’m joking. Sorta.” He ran his hands up and down her arms. “You’re always looking out for me. Even when I don’t deserve it.”
“Who says you don’t deserve it?” Ragatha raised her eyebrow.
“I do,” Jax shook his head. “I’m sorry I made a fool of myself last night. That was stupid…and my fault.”
Ragatha’s face softened. “If you’d have just come to me, Jax…instead of bottling up these feelings and crashing over them. Do you know how it makes me feel seeing you get that way? The other night, you literally had a nightmare over it!”
Oh, yeah. That. Honesty time.
“About that…I was awake. It was actually a panic attack,” he admitted sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t want to freak you out so I pretended to be asleep.”
“This is what I’m talking about!” Ragatha hid her face in her hands. “You should feel like you can come to me. How would you feel if I decided to shut you out when I felt like I was hopeless, or scared, or needed someone to turn to? If I bottled it all up?”
“I wouldn’t like it at all,” Jax admitted. “I’d want you to come to me.”
“Exactly.” She placed her hands on his cheeks. “We’re in this now, you and me. Okay? Promise me?”
He’d promise her the damn universe if he could swing it.
“Promise.”
Ragatha looked relieved. “You’ll try this new thing out, and if it doesn’t work, we will find something that works.”
“Deal.”
Ragatha leaned in and kissed him. Jax tugged her close, wrapping his arms tight around her back. They let the kiss go on, taking their time.
“How’s your head,” Ragatha broke away and spoke against his lips.
“Better,” he replied, before capturing her mouth again. “Loads.”
“Good.”
Together, they fell back into the pillows. Jax held her close with each kiss, not wanting to let her go.
He felt awful that she even thought for a second that his mood had anything to do with her. He vowed to never let her wonder like that again. He was going to be honest with her. It’s what she deserved.
Though Jax was being honest about his head feeling better, exhaustion from the last day hit him hard. He kissed his way from Ragatha’s mouth to her cheek before he collapsed beside her, hugging her close. Ragatha held on, rubbing her hand up and down his arm.
“What are you thinking?” she whispered.
“I’m thinking I was stupid to keep things to from you,” he said.
“Jax…”
“I’m thinking I’m lucky to have you.”
“Same here,” she breathed out softly. “I’m lucky too.”
“And finally, I’m thinking that my mind feels calmer right now than it has all week.”
“Really?” Ragatha tilted her head to look at him. She had to pull away from him to do so.
“Really,” Jax said, tugging her back against him. “Come back here,” he added, smiling.
His entire life so far had been built upon pushing people out and maintaining his image, whatever that had meant. He never showed a weakness and never offered his vulnerabilities. He built his walls high. How easily Ragatha was able to scale those walls and how willingly he wanted her to. How eager he was to let her in. How grateful he was that he could be this way around her, with the knowledge that she still wanted him, too. How immediately she wanted to help him instead of leave him behind. He was still processing it.
He loved her so much.
He nuzzled his face into her chest and stayed there.
-
Ragatha stroked the back of Jax’s head. He’d dozed off again not long ago, breathing deeply and more relaxed than ever. It wasn’t long before she felt the rumbling purrs start up under his jaw. He was out cold.
She made herself comfortable and settled back into the pillows, grateful for all she had.
He was going to be okay. They were going to be okay.