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“Ruby?”
Dia’s voice cut through her thoughts and made her start in surprise, her chopsticks clattering against her plate as they slipped from her fingers. She lifted her gaze quickly to meet her sister’s, but she found she couldn’t hold it for long, instead pretending to be focused on picking up her utensils again. Pretending she hadn’t seen the concern that darkened her expression; pretending that the sight of it didn’t make her chest tighten and her gut lurch with guilt.
“Sorry!” She said quickly, and then cringed internally at herself. What was she apologizing for?! She thought she’d been better about the excessive apologies lately; why was she slipping back into it now, when she desperately needed to look— well, normal?!
“I’m a little tired! I think.” She spluttered out in a rush. “What did you say?”
There was an awful beat of silence in which Ruby desperately wished she could sink down under the floorboards. Or at least crawl beneath the low table so that she could hide the red flush that was burning at her cheeks.
Thankfully, when Dia spoke up her voice didn’t betray that she found Ruby’s response rude or strange, and Ruby felt herself release a breath that she hadn’t realized she had been holding.
“I said, we’ll have to get to Numazu station early if I want to get to the dorms at a decent time. Did you want me to wake you?”
“Oh.”
Ruby reflexively glanced over her shoulder, down the hall to the front foyer. She couldn’t see it from this angle, but she knew it was sitting there next to their neatly arranged shoes — the glossy brand-new suitcase that their parents had gotten Dia as a graduation present.
“Y-yes, please,” she managed to squeak out, even though it suddenly felt like her heart was being crushed from inside her ribcage.
Conversation turned to planning out the rest of the travel logistics as their mother rattled through a laundry list of things for Dia to remember, reiterating the stops she would need to get off at and the transfers she would need to make in order to get to her destination. Ruby could tell that even Dia’s patience was beginning to wear thin when she set down her glass a little harder than necessary.
“I’m not going to get lost, okay?” She insisted, her tone audibly strained. “Besides, I can always get a taxi.”
That declaration had seemed to assuage their parent’s worries for the time being, and the rest of the meal passed by with relatively little to say. Ruby couldn’t help glancing over at the clock on the wall, reflexively doing the calculations in her head to count the hours left until the morning.
The weight of the future seemed to rest heavily on them all.
Ruby excused herself quickly after she and Dia had cleared off the table and washed the dishes; she still hadn’t been able to quite meet Dia’s eyes, and they hadn’t said anything to each other beyond a curt “I’ll take this,” or “There’s still a spot there.” Her chest still ached terribly, so much that her breath seemed to catch when Dia’s arm happened to brush against her own. She had bit her bottom lip desperately as the start of tears began to prick at the corners of her eyes, retreating to the safety of her room without daring to look back at whatever kind of face Dia was making.
She passed that glossy red suitcase again as she made her hasty getaway, wondering for a split-second if she ought to unleash the pain in her chest by aiming a kick at it.
No— that wouldn’t do any good. The decision had already been made. There was nothing she could do now to change it, and it wasn’t fair of her to make Dia second-guess herself with a completely selfish outburst.
It had been so easy before for Ruby to be happy for her, to encourage her, but now—
She collapsed face-down into her bed, her audible groan of frustration thankfully muffled in the comforter as her legs kicked in agitation where they hung off the side of the mattress.
It’s not like any of this came as a surprise — she had known this day was coming for the better half of a year now, when Dia had announced to Aqours her plans to go to university in Tokyo — even before their own parents. She thought that after her and Leah’s performance in Hakodate, she had adequately acquainted herself with the idea of managing things on her own. She had proven herself capable, hadn’t she? She didn’t cling to Dia like she had as a young child.
So why did the idea of Dia being gone make it feel like she suddenly had a piece of glass lodged into her chest, twisting and tearing away at her insides as yet another passing minute brought her closer to Dia’s departure?
Her body shook with sobs as tears started spilling unbidden from her eyes.
She knew the reason.
Deep, deep down, she knew the reason. Even if she didn’t want to admit it.
It was the same reason her breath hitched when her arm had accidentally brushed up against Dia’s when they were washing up after dinner; it was the same reason she got irrationally nervous when Dia stood a little too close to her, and the same reason she almost felt dizzy with happiness when Dia was praising her.
Just as Dia and Ruby had grown and evolved from girls into young women, Ruby had felt her love towards her sister evolve as well. She couldn’t hope to pinpoint the exact moment the change had started taking place, but she had certainly noticed it when she had seen her sister perform with the newly reinstated Aqours at the town’s culture festival. It had felt like fireworks exploding within her own chest, a blossom starting to unfurl from a premature bud. It had felt red-hot and dazzling in that moment, at once stealing her breath away and granting her impossible strength every time Dia so much as looked at her.
But in the days that had followed, in the sudden jarring quiet that trailed after this explosion of emotion, that dazzling feeling didn’t dissipate. On the contrary, it had continued to raze through her chest like a wildfire. What had felt so warm and welcoming and beautiful at first soon became darkened and twisted and horribly painful as she found herself fixating more and more on where Dia’s attention was being directed — especially when it wasn’t at her.
She knew it was unfair of her to obsess over her sister, and to spend so much time thinking about what she did in her spare time and who she chose to spend it with. She found herself at the whim of unwelcome and intrusive thoughts she had never considered before; whether her sister’s lips tasted of the cherry blossom chapstick she always used. Whether she had ever felt the way that Ruby felt now — and towards whom?
She was rational enough — and cowardly enough — not to act on her jealousy, but not rational enough to try to dismiss her feelings entirely. After all, sometimes it felt good. In the moments that her sister held her close, or affectionately stroked her head, or praised her in front of the other members, the flame inside her chest sparked and gleamed again; that blossom opened its petals greedily, drinking up every word that fell from Dia’s perfect lips.
But it was never sated, and especially in the moments she found herself all alone — in the moments where she allowed her mind to wander — Ruby would feel its hunger flare up again.
Ruby was in love with her sister. And that was why the thought of her leaving had become unbearable.
A fresh wave of warm tears spilled down her cheeks as she rolled onto her side, grabbing the pink rabbit plushie sitting dutifully beside her pillow and clutching it close to her chest. The hunger was gnawing away at her insides relentlessly, feeding on her fear and her uncertainty of the future.
So, what now then? She could almost hear a voice in her mind asking. It sounded kind of like Dia.
Are you just going to lie there? Are you going to let this chance pass you by without saying anything?
Again?
She had stayed silent when she’d first felt it. And she’d stayed silent in Hakodate, even as she and Dia had laid curled up together on their last night before she went back to Uchiura, using their shared body heat to combat the unfamiliar cold of Hokkaido. It had been easier to take the cowardly route. It had been easy to tell herself to wait just a bit longer, because she knew she would have another opportunity.
Tomorrow. Next week. Christmas.
But now she’d run out of excuses. Once Dia went to Tokyo, who knew when she would see her next? She would come back to visit on holidays, sure, but… What if it was too late by then? What if the feelings faded?
What if Dia met someone else?
Ruby rolled onto her back, staring up at the dark wood-panelled ceiling, rabbit still tucked into her chest.
It was simple, wasn’t it? She just had to tell her.
She’d done much harder things already, hadn’t she? She’d gone against her sister’s wishes to join Aqours, a group that at the time had been largely made up of strangers. She’d performed in front of hundreds — thousands of people. She’d pitched a concert to a panel of judges, and written a song with Leah’s help. She’d helped Aqours win Love Live.
When she thought about it that way, the task at hand seemed a little less daunting. I just have to tell her.
In that moment of reckless decisiveness, she swung herself up onto the edge of the bed and stood before she had even a split-second to reconsider. She swayed for a moment as a wave of dizziness caught up to her — okay, maybe she’d have to slow down a little — before she scampered over to her bedroom door and let herself out into the hallway.
Her sister was still awake. That was the thing about these old-fashioned houses and their beautiful shoji walls; they didn’t allow for much privacy, evident by the soft yellow glow filtering through the latticed framing. Ruby had never minded, since it meant she could always tell her family — her sister — were close by, even when she couldn’t see them. She wondered for a moment if the dorms would allow Dia more privacy. Would Dia find that to be a relief, or would it feel lonesome?
Ruby shook her head impatiently — these wandering thoughts weren’t doing her any good! She knew she was looking for distractions subconsciously, looking for some kind of out. She wasn’t about to let herself fall into that trap again.
She slid the door open a crack, but Dia wasn’t immediately within view.
“Come in, Ruby. I can see you lingering out there.”
Ruby jumped a little at her voice, the surface of her skin flushing with embarrassment as she pulled open the door enough to squeeze herself through it. Her gaze swept across the room as she slid it closed, before it stopped to settle on Dia sitting at her desk. Many of her personal items had been packed away into boxes already, to be sent over to Tokyo after she had been assigned her new room and settled in for a couple of days, or to be put into storage. It looked bare and empty without the poster of μ’s up on the wall, without her collection of stationery littering the desk and without her bookshelf chocked full of biographies and history textbooks.
Everything that made it Dia’s was gone; stripped bare of its personality and its charm.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Dia asked softly, clearly trying to keep her voice low. “We have to be up early tomorrow, remember?” Ruby could hear the scratching of pencil against paper. Dia didn’t turn around to face her.
“You should rest too…” Ruby replied reflexively, her voice trailing off awkwardly. Ah, this already wasn’t going where she’d wanted. She didn’t come here to chastise her sister. This might be the last time in a long while that she got the chance to talk with her face-to-face — she had to make it count.
“Dia—” She started over, forcing the words out before she could overthink it; before she could sentence herself to floundering, helpless silence, like she had done so many times before. It was easier when she couldn’t see Dia’s face, but she knew that meant she was still being too cowardly. “Can I sleep with you tonight?”
The sounds of writing came to an abrupt stop, and a beat of silence passed before Dia finally turned herself around to face her. Her eyes widened slightly, and only then did Ruby realize that her face must still be red and blotchy from crying. She quickly hugged her rabbit tighter in her arms, trying to hide her face behind its fuzzy, perky ears.
“Oh, Ruby,” Dia said softly. She slowly stood, looking a little helpless. Starting to reach out a hand towards her and then pulling it back.
Ruby crossed the space between them, avoiding Dia’s eyes even as she stepped boldly into the space between her arms, resting her face against Dia’s shoulder as she leaned into her. Dia didn’t hesitate to wrap them around her, pulling her in tightly. Ruby could feel Dia’s breath against her ear and her warm hands encircling her shoulders, and the thudding of her heartbeat against her own chest.
She hadn’t been paying attention to how long they stood there like that, but it seemed far too soon that Dia was gently pulling herself away, brushing Ruby’s bangs from her face with a pained-looking smile. Ruby had seen that face countless times before — it was the kind of face Dia made when she was trying to put on a strong front for her. When she was trying to make Ruby feel better.
But Ruby didn’t need her sister to be strong for her — she just needed to be honest.
“Can I sleep with you?” She asked again, this time her voice coming out a bit more forcefully.
Dia visibly faltered, and for a moment, Ruby feared she would say no. She could almost hear it in her head, in that sickeningly sweet voice that Ruby knew she didn’t mean to use condescendingly, and that made Ruby’s insides melt helplessly anyway: “Oh, Ruby. You’re a grown girl now, aren’t you?”
“Of course you can sleep with me tonight,” Dia said instead, and her hand dropped from where it had been lingering near Ruby’s cheek to fall to her hand. The gentle sensation of Dia’s fingers sliding against her wrist made Ruby shiver. It was a bit of a relief when Dia looked back over her shoulder at her desk; at whatever she had been working on. Ruby wasn’t sure she would have been able to handle meeting her gaze while their fingers laced together in a ritual that felt as easy as breathing.
“What’s that?” Ruby asked, trying not to think about how Dia’s fingers curled.
Dia let out a tiny scoff of amusement. A smile — a genuine one this time — formed on her lips.
“I was writing you a letter,” she said. She shrugged and tugged Ruby towards her bed instead of elaborating. Like everything else in the room, it had been stripped of the bright colourful comforter and patterned sheets, replaced with white. Ruby wondered if her old bedding was making the trip out to Tokyo or whether it was being left behind; whether she’d finally grown out of it.
Ruby only answered once Dia had tucked herself under the covers and once she had pulled herself in alongside her. She wasn’t sure how close to situate herself; what was appropriate. The bed wasn’t exactly large, and Ruby could feel Dia’s legs skim against hers as she stretched herself out, trying to get comfortable. They found themselves facing each other on their sides, Dia pulling the comforter up to her chin and Ruby still hugging her stuffed rabbit tightly.
“A letter for me?”
“Yes.”
“But…why?”
“Hm.” Dia hummed in thought, her eyes flitting downwards for a moment, focusing on the stuffed rabbit’s face. “I suppose because… I thought it would be easier to write what I mean rather than say it.”
Ruby blinked in surprise. “Oh! I, um… I wanted to tell you something, too—”
She froze. She hadn’t meant to say it — not like that at least, not so soon — but she had been so shocked that her mouth had started running before her brain had had a chance to catch up. She saw Dia’s eyes sharpen with interest, and Ruby abruptly covered her face with her plushie with a squeak, feeling her cheeks grow hot. Great, now they were going to be even more red!
Dia allowed her a generous pause to collect herself, but when Ruby did not reappear from behind her rabbit, she heard her older sister let out an amused sigh.
“Ruuuuby~ You can’t just say that and not tell me!”
Ruby huffed from behind her soft and fuzzy shield. “That’s not fair! You said you had something to say to me first!”
“Well, I–” Ruby was surprised to hear Dia fluster a bit. “I didn’t actually end up writing anything.”
Ruby finally pulled the plush down from her face, frowning dramatically. “Buu buuu~” she trumpeted teasingly, reaching over to prod her sister’s cheek. “I was excited to get a letter from my big sister!” Dia immediately retaliated by ruffling her hair, earning another squeak from Ruby as she attempted to duck out of the way.
“I can send you letters from Tokyo!”
“You better! Once a month!”
“I will!”
The two of them giggled softly as they gradually came down from their banter and their playfighting, settling back into their respective sides of the bed. Their legs were pressed together under the covers.
“Can you tell me?” Dia asked again, earnest curiosity colouring her tone. Ruby felt her nerves spike at the question, felt the pace of her heartbeat pick up.
She almost said ‘no’. It was a knee-jerk reaction at this point, to deny the fluttering in her chest and the sickening, frightening hunger in the pit of her gut. It was reflexive, to pretend she didn’t feel anything strange lying here next to her and wishing they could do this every night. To pretend she didn’t savour the slide of skin against skin as Dia snuggled in closer, as their legs seemed to instinctively intertwine.
She could say ‘no’, and pretend for another night, but Ruby didn’t know if her heart could take it.
And so even though her chest ached — even though her mouth suddenly felt dry and her tongue felt swollen — she cleared her throat insistently.
“Can you turn off the light?”
Dia seemed a little taken aback, but she didn’t question her request as she rolled herself over to tug at the lamp’s pull-cord, and the room was suddenly plunged into darkness.
So maybe she was still a bit of a coward. So maybe she still didn’t think she could quite look Dia in the eye as she said it. That was… okay, wasn’t it?
She was scared, and it was okay that she was scared. She was going to do it anyway.
Just like she did with everything else that scared her.
She took in a deep shaking breath, and clenched her fingers into the plush fur of her rabbit, her legs curling up into her body instinctively — protectively.
“I like you!”
It was like her confession punched all of the air in her body; her chest was tight, and she was vibrating with awful nervous energy, and she felt as though she were on the verge of tears again.
But oh—! It was also such a relief! Her words seemed to ring out in the quiet darkness between them, even though her voice had cracked a bit as they’d forced their way out. There! She’d done it! She couldn’t take them back now.
Feeling light-headed and dizzy with relief — with freedom! — she repeated herself.
“I like you. I love you, Dia.”
Ruby couldn’t see her clearly in the dark. Couldn’t read her expression, couldn’t tell if there would be shock or delight or horror on her face. Her stomach flip-flopped nervously as she heard Dia inhale sharply.
“You do?” Dia finally said, her voice sounding uncharacteristically high-pitched. Ruby nodded, then remembered Dia probably couldn’t see her well either.
“Is that okay?” she asked, her voice lowering in resignation. She was bracing herself now. Her heart continued to thump nervously in her chest, the adrenaline continuing to sap her of her strength, her entire body tensed and waiting.
“Oh– Ruby, I— Well, I don’t know if it's okay. It’s certainly— unconventional, isn't it?”
Ruby had never heard Dia so flustered, even when Aqours had been confronting her about being a fan of μ’s, or when Mari was purposefully riling her up. Her normally eloquent sister had been reduced to near-incoherent stammering, and Ruby could feel her hands wringing the sheets underneath them as she fought to articulate herself.
“But I don’t— I mean… That is to say… I— I do like you too. In that way. I thought that— well, I thought I was the only one.”
It felt for a moment that time had stopped as Ruby allowed her sister’s messy and poorly-strung together confession to wash over her, as the meaning behind those fragmented words slowly started to settle in as she rearranged and processed them in her head.
She had… felt the same way?
She loved her too?
“R-Really?” She couldn’t help but to ask, convinced that she must have misheard.
But Dia simply laughed as she answered. “Yes.”
Ruby had about a million questions jump to the tip of her tongue — For how long? When had she realized? Did she fantasize about her? Had she told anyone, or had she been hiding it, like Ruby had? Had she ever planned to confess as well?
But even as these thoughts raced through her mind, all she felt was complete and utter warmth filling her body. It felt like a dream.
That Dia would not only accept her feelings but reciprocate them as well… It almost seemed too good to be true.
Instead of responding, instead of asking any of the litany of questions circling about in her head, Ruby instead set her plush rabbit aside so that she could wriggle herself into Dia’s embrace once more, feeling that shimmering and dazzling glow burst inside her chest as her sister held her. Her love was a beautiful flower once more, petals flushed and bright and open to the sun that was her sister’s warmth. She felt Dia’s chest vibrate against her as she chuckled and pressed a gentle kiss to Ruby’s forehead.
But that wasn’t enough.
Not now — not when they had finally both confessed their deepest feelings, and not when those feelings reflected and mirrored each other so perfectly. Not when Dia was leaving Ruby in mere hours. She wanted something special to remember this night by — something that would keep the gleaming fire in her body burning bright for months until they could see each other again.
And so Ruby readjusted herself in Dia’s grip slightly, using her hands to frame Dia’s face and lean in closer; until her older sister’s breath was hot on her face, and their burning cheeks were brushing against each other. Dia must have known what Ruby intended to do, and she didn’t try to push her away. In fact, she was tilting her head ever so slightly, allowing Ruby to effortlessly press their lips together in a slow and curious kiss.
Ruby had never done anything like this with anyone. It felt strange, but not in a bad way.
And Dia’s lips did taste like cherry blossom chapstick.
When they finally separated, they were quiet. Just taking it in — just enjoying each other’s breath and warmth and taste. And perhaps not willing to speak for fear of breaking the beautiful, quiet spell they felt suspended in; something so delicate and so wonderful that it felt as if it could shatter with a single breath.
But at last they did speak — Dia did at least. She chuckled again softly, her fingers curling absentmindedly into Ruby’s hair.
“When did you get so bold?” she asked, and her voice was practically dripping with reverent affection. Ruby beamed, hiding her face into Dia’s neck in embarrassment even though she wouldn’t have been able to see her grin in the first place.
“Here I was thinking I would finally write it all out into that letter,” Dia continued. “And then leave it here with you so that I wouldn’t have to see your reaction. Isn’t that cowardly of me?”
Ruby shook her head slightly in disagreement, mumbling her dissent. “Mm-mm. You’re the one going to Tokyo all by yourself. You’ve always been so brave.”
Dia rested her cheek against Ruby’s head, reaching up to stroke her hair again. Ruby’s insides melted at her touch. “Well, you’re getting braver every day, you know. I look up to you so much.”
They lay together in a tangle of limbs and comforting body heat, drifting into peaceful silence as their heartbeats fell into sync with one another. Ruby could feel herself being lulled into sleep by the rhythmic sound of her sister’s breathing, until she heard Dia give a bit of a sigh, and say in a sleep-slurred voice. “Promise that when I come back, you’ll still need me just a little, alright?”
Ruby scoffed softly, pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek, and then another to the corner of her mouth, where she knew her mole would be.
“I’ll always need you, Dia. I promise.”