Work Text:
It was already the new year, the clock had struck twelve, and Subaru had headed alone to the temple. Her family had stayed behind at home, since it was not their tradition to go. This was a new experience for her, yet another new memory, thanks to her new way of living.
In the past, she wouldn't have ever dared to entertain the idea, to approach a temple in the new year packed with strangers, driving her into a ball of anxiety and fears, when she could stay in the comfort of her own home, drinking a hot drink and watch the snow falling from her window. Now, packed with a thick coat, a cashmere scarf and a beanie, she was looking forward to this new experience, and especially, to the person she was going to share it with, she thought with a shy smile. She crossed the streets under the moonlight. The snow had stopped falling, but there was still some piled up along the road. Scattered people, mostly families and couples, were already heading in the same direction as her.
She heard a ping coming from her pocket,the notification of a message.
=========
Saku: we are here
Saku: should I pick you up at home?
==========
A small smile spread across her lips and she covered it with her scarf, “he is such a worrywart’ She thought while typing back.
==========
Subaru: No need, I’m already on my way
Subaru: see you there <3
===========
Her finger had hovered over the heart emoji for a couple of seconds, undecided, when emboldened, she added it to the end of her message and sent it. She shoved her phone back into her pocket with her heart racing. She was still getting used to this new status between them, it had only been a week since they had started dating, and they both were very well playing the parts of the awkward inexperienced teenagers, navigating their new relationship.
===========
Subaru: I just arrived
Subaru: where are you?
============
She was standing by the temple entrance, looking at the screen of her phone. No answer. The place was already quite packed with visitors and she shifted her weight, a little uncomfortable with the crowds.
“Subaru” She heard her name being called, she turned and saw Saku arriving where she was. He positioned himself between her, and a large group of people that was passing nearby, making her feel immediately better about her surroundings.
“Hi” she answered back, with a smile directed at him. The top of his ears turned a dark shade of pink. He looked at her, staring for a moment at how cute she looked in her winter outfit, with silver strands that peeked out of her beanie and scattered on top of her cream-colored scarf. She broke eye contact, a little embarrassed and blushing. “Should we go? Where is your family?”
“They are in the queue to offer some prayers, they are waiting for us” he answered while pointing in the right direction.
They started walking together in silence. Subaru was enjoying the stroll, watching the cozy yet colorful environment, the humming of the crowds, and the lights coming from the different food stalls along the way.
”We should probably get some amakaze afterwards" she said with excitement, turning to Saku. He was at the same time looking at her again “you know, I have noticed that since we started dating, you stare a lot” she said with a smirk and a playful bump of shoulders. He averted his gaze in response, with his ears turning pink again. ‘Did I overstep?’ she thought, and decided to get ahold of his hand and give a little reassurance squeeze. “Not that I mind”
”Well, the thing is that now I’m actually allowed to stare, being your boyfriend and all” He replied, trying to sound playful.
”Well, I suppose before I told you about my feelings, you probably didn’t have any reason to” she added timidly, focusing her gaze on a takoyaki stand they were passing by.
”What is that supposed to mean?” he added, sounding a little offended. She turned her gaze back to him, looking confused. He looked like he was about to say something else, but he was interrupted by a small figure running towards Subaru.
“Onee saaan!” Mio exclaimed, clinging to her neck in an affectionate hug, which Subaru returned with the same energy.
They joined Saku’s parents, Saku making the proper introductions, and started approaching the shrine. His older sister was out of town so she hadn’t come along. Together they spent some time enjoying the festivities, went together to offer prayers, to try different food stalls, and also to check their fortunes. She laughed easily with Saku’s family, warmth bubbling in her chest as if she’d always belonged there.
“here” Saku handed her a cup with warm amakaze. She wrapped it with her gloved hands to warm them up through the fabric, thanking him. He sat next to her on the bench, they were a little farther from the main part of the temple, resting for a little bit after wandering around the place for more than an hour. She was checking the photos she had taken that night. Saku smiled, seeing how happy she was, like a little kid enjoying something for the first time, it was a contagious joy that made him feel content and warm, so he laid against the back of the bench, enjoying his own drink, and peeking at the pictures over her shoulder.
“I really like how this photo came out… “ She exclaimed, turning to see his face, but stopped, surprised to see him a lot closer than she was expecting, their faces nearly touching, their frosty breath entwining in the cold. They remained still, their eyes trying to read each other's intention, but after some seconds that felt a lot longer, Subaru stared at his lips, then averted her gaze back to her phone, blushing and nervous. Since realizing her feelings for him, which given her own cluelessness about romance have been a painstakingly long process, she had started to pay a lot more attention to romance talk around other people, in movies, books, couples around her, it was everywhere she was noticing now that she was paying attention, and more importantly, she had been starting to pay attention to herself, her own desires, and feelings, and one thing that had been in the forefront of her mind has been kissing.
Kissing has been such an alien concept to her. In the past she couldn't have cared less, she had her own life, safe inside her small bubble, her comfort zone. At some point, she had started to notice the boy next to her. She had found herself staring at him, noticing his broad shoulders, the way he would hum softly while reasoning a math problem in their study sessions, wondering how his hair would feel to the touch. A new and unknown longing had surprised her when she had watched him practicing basketball with his friend in the park, following with her eyes his athletic form around the field, the drops of sweat on his nape with his hair tied, the line of his collarbone peeking out of his shirt. Every time he smirked while joking around, she had started to wonder, first and foremost, how kissing him would feel, and taste. And the way her heart would start racing like crazy made her have to avert her gaze away from his lips to avoid making a fool of herself.
Now that they were a couple, she was willing to try, as nervous as she was, but didn't even know how to give the first step, and Saku, in his way to be respectful of her trauma and in his own shyness, wasn't very inclined to have the initiative.
”why were you saying before that I wouldn't have reasons to look your way before?” Suddenly Saku asked, also looking away. Subaru needed a moment to remember their previous conversation, when they were walking towards the shrine.
”Oh that” she exclaimed, drinking a little bit of her drink, and making a dismissive wave with her other hand “I didn't mean much by it, just that I suppose you didn't have much reason to look my way before, and then when I told you I was in love with you, I suppose you figured out your own feelings for me”
”you couldn't be more wrong” he interjected, with a furrowed brow and looking away “I already knew my own feelings way before that”
”Oh really? I thought… ”She started, then with a newly awakened curiosity she decided to ask ”when did you start having feelings for me?” Saku turned to look at her, his expression like a deer in the headlights.
”it’s a secret” He grumbled, looking shy. ‘No way I’m going to reveal that I have been pining for her for almost a year already’ he thought ‘she is going to be put off by that.’
”why? there is nothing to be embarrassed about” She said, poking his arm with her finger ”I don’t mind telling you” her gaze trailed along the scenery for a moment before starting to speak again “You remember when we went to the beach in summer? And I said something to you about making me feel at ease?” She turned to see his surprised expression.
”since then?” he asked, and she reached for his hand.
”well… yes and no” she replied with a small giggle “I mean, my feelings were already there by then probably, but I haven't noticed them, I was a little bit clueless you see” She gave a small squeeze to his hand, and he intertwined his fingers with hers, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. Looking at her like she was precious, that same staring she had been noticing from him. She blushed and averted her gaze, and decided to continue her story. “Kaoruko had heard me saying that to you and did an intervention you could say, told me that saying something like that had a special significance, and to think about my own feelings. I did, and I knew already back then that my feelings for you were different from the other boys, but I didn't know if it was right to call that love. My only point of reference was Kaoruko, and she tried to help, but honestly, our stories were so different, there was no similarity to what she had experienced herself with Tsumugi, so I thought it must be something else” She looked at him again, his expression seemed thoughtful and troubled, she could not read him at all, but he was still looking at her with his full attention “It took me some time to understand that it was simply just very different experiences, especially because we were friends before anything else came about. Oh I remember how embarrassed I was when she told me the implications of what I had said that day” She giggled, a little red.
”I didn't think you meant anything like that when you said it, if it makes you feel better” he added, with a hint of sadness in his voice. His gaze now down and fixated in his own amakaze cup. This intrigued Subaru a little but she had a story to finish.
”Well, time passed and I had a lot of thinking to do, but little after that the whole Kikyo - Chidori conflict happened, and I had to put everything aside to be by Kaoruko’s side, but still having you there was what gave me strength to keep going when things were bleak. Since Kaoruko started dating Tsumugi I thought about what to do if she were to be discovered, but at some point, it was not about only her anymore, it also started being about me, about my own rights to be by my friend's side, and by yours” She paused and gave him a meaningful look. He got lost in her eyes with a blush across his face.
”Things took time to settle after all that, and then we started spending more and more time together in our study sessions, I would look forward to every small interaction, the little conversations about our lives during the breaks, the way you would complain about Mio but have an affectionate expression while recollecting her mischief, the small kind gestures where you would accompany me to the station, or always giving me the seat farther away from crowds. At some point I said to myself, ‘ well this settles it, it has been love all this time’, still took me like an entire month to gather enough courage to talk to you about it”
Her gaze was again wandering the scenery, looking at the families strolling leisurely, the thin snow layer dusting the roofs, the humming of the festivities. He was completely silent next to her, she turned to look at him and gave him a warm smile. He was looking at her, dumbfounded, like under a spell. He didn't trust himself to speak yet, he knew as emotional he was at this moment his voice would break, so he just took his time. He reached to her cheek with his gloved hand, and cleaned a lost bit of snow that had just landed on her, then took his hand back to hold hers again. He was already feeling blissful the whole week, because the girl he loved returned his feelings and was now by his side. But to suddenly listen to her speak of him so fondly, of her feelings dating back to that eventful day at the beach, it was too much for him to bear. He already knew she had a way with words that normally knocked his poor heart out of orbit, but this was a new level altogether. Subaru had turned to watch the scenery while humming a song. ‘You are going to be the death of me I swear’ he thought with a sigh.
”Back to the mock exam” He said, suddenly.
”Uhmmm?” she turned to look at him again, with a confused expression “What thing?”
”When I knew about my feelings” He replied, this time, Subaru’s face went from confusion to surprise.
”The mock exam?! Wait, which one? must be the national one we had in Summer, no? because the one for T-University was way back in February, can’t be…” Subaru saw Saku’s face twitch with embarrassment at her observation and realized the answer to her own question “no way! really?” She giggled happily in surprise and bumped his shoulder playfully. Saku let out another sigh.
”Of course feelings are gradual so it's difficult to pinpoint it exactly” He continued ”but I think that day when we talked at night it was a point of no return. You reached me in a moment when I was in a dark place, saw through me like no one else had. I was already enthralled by you and your courage to push forward and be a better version of yourself, so you have you there, healing me, while also looking beautiful, it was just inevitable at that point.” He said while blushing. It was her turn to be in shock with his words, she could feel her eyes tempting to cry. He then smirked playfully and added “probably it was the animated kitty sticker that sealed the deal” She then got out of her momentary trance to giggle at this silly joke of his.
”Now I know I need to put those stickers to good use to keep you around then” She winked while covering her smile with her scarf. She felt bubbly and joyful. She had spent a long time fretting about her feelings, and at the same time, she had stopped herself from entertaining the idea of Saku in love with her. Why would he? He was handsome, supposedly popular with girls, smart, kind, athletic. While she was sheltered, from a rival school, didn't know much of the world, had a lot of trauma baggage with her, definitely the opposite of athletic, and had already shown him some of her worst sides, leading to quite a terrible first impression. So, having him by her side now was already lucky enough, now he had feelings way back to February? she must be dreaming and about to wake up.
”Should we start making our way back?” he added. She nodded and they started walking together through a stone path. There were still some people around the temple, but the festive ambience felt peaceful in the early hours. Cold stone statues dusted with snow laid around the sides of the path and small groups of people were also walking in the distance, but it felt like they were in their own little world.
“ I knew you were shy, but you were really taking your time to tell me, I even beat you to it” She added playful.
”That is because I was not planning on telling you” He interjected as a matter-of-fact. She turned to look at him in surprise.
”What? Why?” she asked ”Why would you keep that to yourself?” She was perplexed, she was quite naive when romance was involved in general, but wasn't it the rule that if you had feelings for someone you had to do something about it?. She watched Saku, who seemed uncomfortable with the idea of answering, since he was avoiding her gaze and scratching his own nape.
”Well” he started “When I realized my feelings, I assumed it was one-sided, which by your own story, it was the truth back then. We were friends and you felt comfortable with me and the others, you had already told me how at ease you felt around me, how having me as a friend made you feel relieved, like going to the mock exam together for example. You told me how you wanted to overcome your own trauma, go out there and talk with all kinds of people. And in order to do so, you were going to put a big strain on yourself, get out of your comfort zone, and push ahead. I already knew how comfortable you felt about having a familiar face like mine in university, our friendship was a pillar of support for those dreams of yours, so why would I risk it?. It would have been selfish of me to think that just because I needed to get these feelings out of my chest, our status quo would have broken and I was going to risk destroying that support role our friendship had in you and your dreams. I could not bear that. So I decided to keep supporting you, even if it was being on the sidelines. If I had to keep my role as your friend and drown these feelings of mine so be it. That's why I kept silent for almost a year.”
He noticed that they had stopped in their tracks while he was ranting. He turned to look at Subaru, who was looking back at him with watery eyes, tears sliding down her face. She hid her face in her hands suddenly, unable to stop crying. He freaked out in front of the scene, not understanding why this was happening ‘Did I offend her? but I dont think I said anything bad..’ He gave a step closer to her and grabbed her by the shoulders softly.
“Hey, at the end you beat me to it and everything worked out, and here we are” He added awkwardly, trying to sound comforting. “erh… sorry, maybe I should have been more proactive then, and not wait forever…” Subaru then moved her hands from her face to cover his mouth, trying to shut him up.
“Don’t apologize!” She said, still with watery eyes. They remained still for what felt like an eternity. Subaru's hands were trembling, she didn't know how much it was because of her emotions and how much because of the cold. She knew he was kind, ‘incredibly considerate’ she had called him once, in one of their first study sessions, but even with this knowledge, she was at a loss of words, by how the person next to her, was thoughtful enough to drown their own feelings (if they were just as hers she could not imagine how difficult were to keep them at bay) and think only of her own comfort and happiness. How even if he was this awkwardly quiet and shy boy, acting nonchalant most of the time, he could cherish and love her in such a selfless way through his actions.
His warm breath tickled her hands, while she was still covering his mouth. His eyes reflected worry, and she could feel her own hand brushing slightly against his lips. This small touch brought a wave of warmth to her, creeping around her nape. Again the feeling of longing was overpowering her. She didn't understand her own self, so much was just new to her, but what she knew is that she wanted to be closer to him, a lot closer. She ran the tip of her tongue over her lips, moistening them nervously, while sliding her hands from his mouth, to the sides of his face. She grabbed him by his scarf and pulled him closer to her, leaning towards and kissing him with a hint of desperation. He was shocked by the sudden action but closed his eyes in response.
The tickle of breath, soft, trembling lips, the hint of sweet from amakaze, the caress of hands along her neck, pulling her closer, her hands sliding down to lay on top of his chest. Saku felt his heart race and his ears getting warm, his lips trembling with nervousness and anticipation, while deepening the kiss. She let out a soft moan, also trembling while feeling his desperation, his need for her. They separated, a little breathless, while keeping their foreheads together.
”I love you” he whispered. Holding her face with his hands “Maybe if I had confessed… “
”I was surprised, but thinking it better it’s actually very like you” Subaru interjected ”and I think I wouldn't change a thing, Saku, I love you too”