Archive of Our Own

Ricky inches closer to Skeeter for one last photo in their prom outfits. The camera in her mom's hand flashes, and Ricky blinks a few times before looking over to Skeeter. Her hands flutter against her skirt as her mom walks back inside and manages an almost kind smile. 

Her mom hasn’t said much, but she did seem happy to see Ricky, taking his presence as a step in the right direction for her daughter. Ricky is still stuck on the conversation with Skeeter’s dad. He’s so different from her mom, almost accepting of his daughter and happy for her. It's hard for him to wrap his mind around a father being kind and genuinely caring about his kid. Thoughts of the most recent interaction with his own father start to creep up, the alcohol and swings that never miss their mark.

Skeeter releases an exasperated breath that pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts.

“Sorry about that. Things are still tense with her, but seeing me with you helped, I hope.” Skeeter looks at Ricky. “So… are we walking? Because I don't know how far I'll make it in these heels.”

“Of course not, what kind of man do you take me for? Come on, I've got a surprise.”

Ricky starts down the road and pulls out the keys to his bike, running backwards to shake them at Skeeter. Her face pales a bit when she sees his bright red motorcycle and makes the connection.

“No way,” she says as Ricky gets on his bike. “You’ll kill us.”

“Oh come on, I’ve missed this thing.” He puts his face to the handles and pets the fuel tank. “My bike, my precious baby.”

Although this show of affection appalls Skeeter, she reluctantly gets on the back and lightly grabs Ricky’s shoulders. They head off toward the school, weaving in and out of traffic and getting shouted at a handful of times, but seeing the city at night makes it worth it, at least to Ricky it does. Skeeter's probably too busy holding on for dear life to appreciate the view.

The sky is clear tonight with the moon lighting their way. The never-ending noise of the city is muffled by the wind as Ricky goes way over the speed limit. The drive comforts him, and it manages to reduce his anxiety over how tonight might go. 

He's still lost in that brief calm when he parks his bike outside the school gym. It felt like Skeeter’s fingers had bruised his ribs once they got off the bike and tried their best to straighten out their now wrinkled outfits.

They head toward the doors, and Ricky is feeling good. Coming with Skeeter was the right choice. The night air and his friend by his side having successfully calmed his nerves, he grabs Skeeter by the elbow and runs inside.

—

Picking up Lola went great. Her parents were lovely, she looks gorgeous, and Ben and Lola look perfect together. Everything is technically going right. He’s at prom with his girlfriend, but still something feels off. 

It hurt more now that Donna was noticing it too. Before they left the house, she had said You know you can talk to me about anything, but Ben knew she wouldn't want to know the truth. That Ben wanted to go to prom with Ricky, that he still does, and the feelings behind that desire are making him feel sick. The insane amount of shrimp he consumed at dinner to try and drown out his feelings isn't helping either. 

The gym is separated into small groups of single people staying in the outskirts while the couples have congregated in the center. Ben and Lola walk around the gym, hand in hand. He goes along with Lola to greet her friends and try to be polite, but he knows he's coming off as rude and failing to be a good boyfriend yet again.

Its just that that feeling is there. It's the same one he's had this past year with Lola, that something is wrong with him. Ben has lived with that sense wrongness weighing him down for many different reasons, but it almost went away. Maybe something about him is truly broken, because why is this not working? Why doesn't he feel the way he should? 

Ben stays behind with Donna while Lola continues to talk with some of her friends. Ben inches away from his sister when he can feel her staring at him. Their conversation earlier had gotten to him and contributed to making this spiral he's in a little bit worse, so he had been avoiding talking to, or even looking at, Donna all night. He felt so nauseous and the room was starting to buzz. It was all he could do to keep himself standing upright.

Donna ignores his cold shoulder and begins lightly lecturing him about socializing for Lola’s sake, and for consuming far too much shrimp, but when he spots Ricky making his way toward them he knows something is about to go wrong.

—

When Skeeter finally allows him to go to Ben, Ricky feels his palms get sweaty and attempts to wipe them off on his pants. The moment he has been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading is right in front of him.

Ben looks so beautiful it makes Ricky stop talking, which is a rare occurrence. His suit is a deep brown that brings out the darker flecks of his eyes, and the red bow tie is an unusual splash of color for Ben. Ricky takes this opportunity to savor getting to see his Brookie in a different light. 

He notices a blue flower tucked into Ben’s breast pocket is the same shade as Ricky’s suit, and the thought of their outfits subtly matching makes his breath catch in the middle of his laughter at Donna’s compliment.

But, by far, the most distracting thing about Ben is the deep blush that had crept onto his face. Ricky rarely gets to seen him blush, and it only made him more attractive. 

Instead of saying anything charming, what comes out of Ricky’s mouth is “wow Brookie, how’d they get you into a suit?” 

And, apparently, that was the wrong thing to say.

Ben looks Ricky up and down and gags. He actually gags, as if the sight of him is disgusting, and then runs off toward the bathrooms. The corner of Ricky's mouth twitches to keep from frowning. He cant do anything except stand there in shock. There's no way that just happened. 

At least Skeeter looks happy to see him when he wanders back over to her with heavy footsteps. “Hey Rich, you came back quicker than I thought.” She glances past him to where Ben had been standing. “Dude, did you see the sushi bar? If I would’ve known there was a sushi bar I would’ve be–”

“He gagged.”

Skeeter’s eyebrows shoot up in confusion. “What?”

“He looked me up and down," Ricky says, gesturing his hand over himself, "and gagged.” Ricky can feel the whining in his voice at this point, but he can't help it. The guy he loves just gagged at him.

“You’re exaggerating. There’s no way!” she nearly shouts.

“No…that’s what happened–”

“Gagged?” Skeeter interrupts, “ Why the hell would he gag? You look great!” She seems genuinely mad now. She reassures Ricky that he does look good, but it doesn't matter. The only person he wants checking him out is Ben.

—

Looking at Ricky makes Ben’s skin start to burn. It's not only the blush heating his face and going all the way to his ears, it's the way his heart dropped to his stomach when he realized what this meant. 

He was going to hell. 

Religion had never been a huge part of Ben's life, but there was no denying that this was wrong. The feeling is exactly what his mom would warn him about. Going to church with his mom on Sundays, sitting in the pew and looking to her, face full of adoration, and being struck with an overwhelming feeling of guilt throughout the homily. It is similar to what he feels now with the image of Ricky's stupid, beautiful smile burning into his memory.

He can feel acid burning his throat as he runs to the bathroom, leaving Donna with Ricky. He crashes through the bathroom door, and his knees slam against the tile just in time for the shrimp he ate earlier to come right back up. 

Ben lays his arms on the toilet seat and leans his head against the wall, trying not to think about how gross it is. 

He closes his eyes against the anxiety blurring the edges of his vision. Fire courses through his veins. After a minute, nothing is different. His entire body is still shaking, and he is too aware of his heartbeat. This doesn't feel like being sick. It feels like everything is over, like he's going to die. He can’t like Ricky; he's with Lola. 

But he can't stop thinking about Ricky's suit and how it sharpens the color of his eyes. His styled hair, slicked back to allow his face to be uncovered in a way that Ben has only seen at night against a borrowed pillow, the moonlight from the window softening his features. The image of Ricky sleeping peacefully in Ben's bed invades his mind and refuses to leave. The countless sketches hidden away in his notebooks.

Ben dry heaves again, the thoughts trying to force their way out.

His body still feels like it's burning. Maybe it is. A preparation for his future. Leading Lola on is wrong. It’s wrong and he knows it, but Ricky is a guy, it would never work. He has to stay with Lola, learn to feel for her the same way he feels for Ricky. Ben wipes the sweat from his brow with his sleeve and mentally prepares an explanation for when Brady inevitably checks on him.

—

“You look amazing.”

The corner of Ricky’s mouth twitches up at that, and Ben quickly takes the embarrassing compliment back. 

“I mean– you look good!” No, that was also too much. “You look fine.” Ben deadpans.

Ricky laughs. “Thanks Brookie. You look fine too,” he says with a pointed look to Ben’s brown suit.

The almost compliment makes Ben's heart beat pick up, but he pushes past it with a small laugh. He'd already decided before coming back to the gym that he will start viewing Ricky as friend and nothing more.

“Don’t even get me started. I feel like the gingerbread man.”

“Oh, come on!”

“I do! This vest was like the only thing that didn’t feel all tight around my arms.” Ben rolls his shoulders to display the well fitted vest. Ricky crosses his arms and looks him over.

“Try to stop lifting weight then,” He says, a hint of a challenge, or something else, in his voice.

“Yeah right. How else am I supposed to beat you up when you’re being annoying?” Ricky giggled at this. Fucking giggled.

“That's true,” Ricky concedes. “Well, in that case you should keep it up, for me.” He was smirking again as he stepped closer to Ben.

Don't flirt. Don't flirt. “Yeah, I can do that,” Ben says, stepping forward as well, “for you.” 

They stare at each other for a while, Ben feigning annoyance while Ricky looks absurdly happy to be bantering. They inch closer, not breaking eye contact. He can feel his heart beating faster in his chest, and he's scared Ricky can feel it too. Ben thinks they’ve accidentally started a staring contest. He loses when they get close enough for Ricky's arm to brush Ben’s sleeve and glances down at it before returning his gaze to Ricky’s blue eyes. 

Suddenly a girl appears next to Ricky, and they both stumble away from each other. The girl is saying “Dude, Rich you were right. Jessica was literally–”

Ben feels his pulse quicken. It feels like he was just caught doing something wrong, but they weren’t, were they?

“Oh shit–” She says, looking between the two with a knowing look. Ben realizes she looks familiar.

“Wait– Skeeter?” He raises his eyebrow at her. He could’ve sworn he hadn’t seen her around school in forever.

“Hey Ben,” she says awkwardly. “Long time no see. Wow, you got a lot taller.”

Ben mumbles some dumb and obvious shit like “you’re back.”

“Yeah and she tends to ‘come back’ at the worst times,” Ricky says with a frown toward Skeeter.

While Skeeter gives Ricky an apologetic look, Ben asks “You guys know each other?”

He desperately, and hypocritically, hoped that what he thought was going on here was not, in fact, going on. 

The following “Yeah, we came together.” hit Ben harder than it should have. Ricky brought a girl. Ricky was on a date.

“... Together?” Ben asks.

“Yeah, quick decision, but luckily I already had an outfit in the process.” Skeeter gestures to her lovely lavender dress that matches Ricky’s tie. 

Suddenly the flower in Ben's pocket matching Ricky's suit doesn't mean anything. How could it be a sign from the universe when Ricky and Skeeter went together so perfectly?

Ricky turns to Skeeter. “I definitely would’ve been screwed if you hadn’t let me borrow this suit.” 

They spoke to each other so easily and with the same kind of rapport that Ben and Ricky have with each other. Except, they work well together. They can go to prom with each other and— and he went to her house. 

“You– you went over to her house?” Ben asks, jealousy thick on his tongue. 

“Yeah,” they respond in unison. 

He said with such ease something that makes Ben’s heart ache. “Oh, you never told me about that.” He knows how he sounds, and Skeeter pursing her lips at this just proves that he’s not concealing his emotions very well.

Ricky hesitates. “It was pretty impulsive." His eyebrows knit together as his eyes wander over Ben's face, trying to understand his reaction.

Ben excuses himself and turns to leave, but he can't stop the urge to say something.

"I have to get back to Lola. The girl I brought, as my date." He barely takes in their confused expressions before storming off.

Lola is off to the side of the dance floor with a couple of her friends. Ben slides up next to her and places his hand in the crook of her elbow. She smiles up at him, but its strained. Ben smiles back but keeps glancing to his left where Ricky is hidden somewhere behind the crowd with his date, probably guiding her onto the floor, hand and hand, to dance slow and close. Ben felt his face twitch.

After a few minutes go by, Ben realizes he has been staring at the crowd for too long. He turns back to Lola. Her friends had left at some point to join the crowd in slow dancing. Lola is looking at all the couples dancing, her face pointedly neutral, but the tension in her shoulders is undeniable.

Ben hesitates to say anything to her, but finally lands on "Do you want to dance?"

Lola's gaze narrows before sweeping over to Ben's hand on her arm. She gently moves her arm away from his touch. Her usual sparkle is gone when her eyes meet his.

"You've been ignoring me all night, Ben." Lola moves back, putting more distance between them.

Ben immediately becomes defensive. "What? No I haven't, I-"

"You barely spoke at dinner, and the second we got to the dance and started talking to my friends, you wandered off," Lola says, her eyes turning glossy. "My friends, they barely even know you, and we've been dating for a year."

Ben doesn't know what to say. She's right, but he never meant for his avoidance to hurt her like this. He just needs to make it up for her, start being a better boyfriend, like Donna suggested.

"And to make it all worse," she continues, "you're so distracted, its like you're searching for someone." Ben's breath catches.

She knows. He wore his feelings for Ricky on sleeve, and now she knows the truth. Lola would never forgive him.

"There's another girl, isn't there? Someone you can actually say 'I love you' to," she says with a bite to her voice that has Ben resisting a flinch.

"Lola, I'm sorry." Any less-pathetic responses he could've come up with dissipate. Ben tries to reach out to her anyways, her arms jolting away from his touch to fold over her chest. His hand falls limp in the space between them.

"No," she spits. "No. You don't get to try and fix this. You clearly do not care about me the way I care about you, and I can't keep convincing myself that you ever will." The tears have started falling down her face now, leaving faint streaks in her makeup.

Ben finally gathers the courage to look her in the eyes. Its the least he can offer her. Her gaze is distant, like she's looking right through him. "An entire year of my life," Lola whispers, more to herself than to Ben. The despair rasping her voice is something Ben has never heard from her before.

It's odd, really, that things can fall apart so quickly. A couples of days ago Ben thought everything was perfect. He was managing his Ideal Ben persona so much better, and now his efforts to be a normal teenager amounted to nothing, just broken hearts and a guilty conscience.

"I'm done."

Lola pushes past him, leaving Ben to stare at the padded gym wall until his vision turns staticky. Behind him a crowd of happy couples celebrate prom, the best night of their high school careers.

—

Skeeter had gone to get drinks for herself and Ricky soon after Ben had left, and when she got back, Ricky could immediately tell something was off.

Firstly, her hands were empty, and considering how long she'd been gone, she should've come back with something.

Secondly, her fingers were fluttering against her dress. Ricky had figured out a while ago that that was how she released anxiety when she couldn't grip something to let it out instead, and Skeeter really didn't want to wrinkled her dress more than it already was.

Ricky becomes defensive, looking around for the person who caused his friend to be so upset.

He pushes off the wall he'd been leaning on, making it only a few strides toward Skeeter before she shakes her head at him. She doesn't want him to make a scene over her.

She props her left shoulder against the wall Ricky had abandoned, and he makes his way back and mirrors her stance. She is refusing to meet his questioning gaze, staring at his shoes instead.

"Hey. Hello. Skeeter," Ricky says, trying to add some playfulness to drown out the edge to his voice. He dips his head lower, forcing himself into her line of sight.

Skeeter's heavily lidded eyes finally meet Ricky's. They are impossibly dark, like she just saw something terrible, or maybe the terrible thing is whats behind that dark look. It's as if shes tired, but it feels so much heavier than that. Something she's been carrying for too long.

"what happened?" Ricky asks.

"Oh, it was just… Heather. It was nothing, really." He doesn't believe that for a second. She sounds absurdly small.

And Heather was a problem, always had been and always would be. Ricky had disliked her for a long time. After finding out even a small bit of what she did to Ben, he truly hated her. Now she was going after one of his best friends, and who knows how long she's been harassing Skeeter.

"Heather?" Ricky's mind runs through all the horrible things she might have done to Skeeter. "What did she do?"

"I really, really don't want to talk about it. I'm just so tired of that group, of them haunting me," Skeeter says, exasperated. They both sit with that for a while, the music and chatter around them forming a barrier. In their bubble, with their heads tilted into the wall and attention only on each other. Ricky stays silent, giving space for Skeeter to take in some deep, calming breaths. "I'm just tired."

Ricky pulls her into a gentle hug. He has to ignore the nagging at the back of his mind that physical touch isn't something he's used to, because he wants it to become normal for him.

After a moment, they move to face the dance floor. Skeeter tucked under Ricky's arm while they stand in comforting silence.

—

Ben needs to find Ricky.

He can't possibly talk to Donna about what just happened, and he's not sure he wants to talk about it at all. But he needs some kind of comfort, and talking to Ricky has helped in the past.

Even looking at him is soothing.

When he spots the black-haired boy just a few feet away from him, a wave of calm washes over him. That waves comes crashing down as students move to reveal Skeeter tucked close against Ricky's side.

His arm around her shoulder, saying something that puts a small smile on her face. Ben goes cold, then hot all at once.

Right, ben thought, he has a date.

Seeing Ricky with someone else puts a jealous twist in his chest. He can't handle this. Ricky suddenly notices him with a look of shock, or maybe guilt, and he moves toward Ben, but Ben is already halfway across the room.

He thinks he hears his name being called behind him. He pushes through the crowd anyways, ignoring the complaints as he barrels through groups of dancing teens.

He needs to get out of here. He needs to get away from Ricky and all of these emotions threatening to choke him.

—

Somewhere in the gym, a girl stands with a boy.

The boy is fine, average even, intelligent but still pliant and easily controlled; however, the girl, she is something else entirely.

With deep red nails tapping a bored rhythm into her hip and blood red lips fighting between a forced smile and a grimace. She had never been so bored. Hypothetically prom had everything necessary for a stimulating night. The girl couldn't stand living without amusement. It was the worst kind of pain imaginable.

The boy adjusts his glasses and continues talking about something. Whatever it is is irrelevant, just noise to the girl, going in one ear and out the other, but she tried to look somewhat interested.

The rage bubbling up due to her boredom leaves her all at once when she spots a boy who used to interest her, Ben. And close behind him, so close that their hands are almost touching, is Ricky.

The girls pupils dilate in response to the rush this has given her.

"Stuart, sweetie," says the girl. She turns to the boy with a calculated expression of endearment. "Could you go get us some drinks?"

"Of course. Hey, where are you going?" Stuart asks, but the girl doesn't even bother to wave him off, too busy chasing this high. Finally something interesting was happening.

—

He couldn't stop running. Even when the tears became too heavy and fell, Ben kept running away from that gym.

He knew Ricky was following him. The echoes of his footsteps only a second off from his own. The English classroom to his left seems like a safe bet for some privacy, so he pushes through the door and quickly wipes away his tears and wills his eyes to stay dry.

Ricky comes in only a half second after him. Ben turns toward him, and they stand there looking at each other. Heavy breathing from running halfway across the school fills the mostly empty room.

Ricky is the one to speak first.

"What the hell was that? Why did you run out?" It's hard for Ben to process his words past the buzzing in his ears.

"I just was going to see you, but you were… busy." Ben swallows the lump in his throat. "You know, with skeeter," he adds. He can't help but let his jealousy slip in.

A flash of understanding crosses Ricky's face, but it's quickly replaced by uncertainty.

"Yeah," Ricky says with a slow nod, "I was trying to cheer her up because she was upset, but she told me it was okay to go after you because you looked so…" he trails off and searches Ben for a moment before closing his eyes, finally landing on the perfect description, "distraught."

That is exactly how he feels about Ricky most of the time.

"Whats wrong?" Ricky asks him gently, so gentle that it makes Ben ache.

Moving further into the room, Ben sinks to the ground with his back to the teacher's desk. He brings his knees up, only inches away from his chest, and lays his forearms against them. No point in lying to Ricky now.

So he doesn't. Ben tells him about Lola breaking up with him, in as little painful details as possible.

"And then," Ben continues with a sigh, "I saw you with your date."

At this Ricky decides to sit next to him against the desk. The seconds of silence are deafening.

"Sorry, I guess it did look like we're a couple, and that would've been hard to see, but trust me, me and Skeeter are just friends." Ricky turns slightly so he can see Ben.

At some point Ben had started nervously fidgeting with his fingers where they hover between his knees.

"It's just that, you were all over her, and I just can't…"

"Cant what?"

Ben takes half a breath and forces the words out before he has the chance to change his mind. "Can't stand seeing someone else so close to you."

The tension between them is palpable. An almost confession hanging in the air. Ben can't believe he actually said it. He has no right to be possessive over Ricky. They're just friends, and now he's ruining it by making it weird, and—

"I can't stand seeing people be close to you either," Ricky whispers, interrupting Ben's spiraling thoughts. "Not when holding you is all I want. Not when the closest I can get is lying beside you at night."

Ben's hands go still. He turns his head toward Ricky, who is still staring at him, now with wide, nervous eyes piercing Ben's.

"Do you—" Ben changes his question, too much is running through his mind. "You want to hold me?"

Ricky—the bastard—smirks. Fucking smirks at him like this is funny.

To add to that evilness, he also looks Ben up and down with raised brows. "I mean, have you seen you? Who wouldn't?"

"Ricky. I'm serious."

"So am I," he retorts.

They've accidentally become impossibly close during this conversation, and Ben can feel a small sigh escape Ricky's lip.

Ben feels the very familiar urge to kiss him.

"Will you kiss me?" Ben almost begs.

Ben catches how Ricky glances down at his mouth.

"Are you asking me to?" Ricky asks.

Ben drops his gaze lower before breathing a faint, "Yes," dangerously close to Ricky's lips.

Ben's nerves made it impossible to move, so Ricky closes the distance for them. Their lips fit together perfectly. Ricky's, so soft and warm, that Ben couldn't help but lean into them. He fully closes his eyes to enjoy this moment, one he has thought about for a year, and goes to deepen the kiss, but Ricky pulls back.

The movement was so sudden, Ben is left off balance.

"Are you sure you really want to kiss me?" Ricky bites his lip. "It's not like, just some impulsive thing, right?"

It's shocking that Ricky is the one feeling insecure.

"I do. I really, really want to kiss you, Ricky, and I have for a long time." Ben decides to be brave and cup Ricky's cheek in the palm of his hand, despite the tremor going in through it at the contact. "This isn't impulsive. This is me letting myself have what I truly want, and right now I would like to keep kissing you. Is that okay with you?"

"That's more than okay with me, Brookie," Ricky says with a giggle that is quickly muffled by Ben's mouth on his.

He keeps one hand on Ricky's jaw and the other against his chest to tug on his blazer, pushing them closer together. Ricky's lips work against his in gentle, slow movements that send a spark up his spine.

Ben thanks him for that feeling by deepening the kiss and rubbing his thumb into Ricky's jaw, earning him a pleased sigh against his lips when they part to inhale as much as possible before going back in.

They continue soft, closed-mouth kisses for endless minutes. Ben moves his hand up from Ricky's jaw to the nape of his neck, absentmindedly playing with his hair.

"God," Ricky mumbles against the other boy's mouth, "This is the best." They both giggle at that.

Ricky reaches both hands into Ben's hair and brings them even closer together. Ben can almost feel Ricky's rapid heart beating in his chest.

At some point one of them opens their mouth to the other, and it all devolves into a mess from there. A door slams somewhere in the building, but they barely even hear it, too euphoric to care.

When another door slams a few minutes later followed by faint footsteps, their kisses become more desperate, the sense that this would be over soon taking over.

When the footsteps become too loud to ignore, they separate. Their arms extended, hands still resting on each others shoulders, unwilling to let go completely. Blue eyes meet brown, pupils blown wide with passion. Words that need to be said, just sitting on their tongues.

They both turn at movement in the corner of their eyes. Skeeter is at the door, peering in through the window. She opens the door, stepping into the room, and leaving it ajar behind her. When her eyes land on Ben, he drops his hands from Ricky's shoulders, and he does the same.

She takes in the state of them. Ricky's long hair is no longer neatly gelled back and is instead sticking out at odd angles, and Ben is sure his hair looks even crazier.

Ben expects her to be mad, or even disgusted, after all, he did steal her date. But Skeeter only smiles and raises her eyebrows in shock.

"Holy shit." She chuckles. She almost seems ecstatic. "Finally. You guys actually got your shit together."

"…What?" Ben questions, genuinely confused. "You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad? I'm relieved. I couldn't take seeing you two yearn for each other from a distance any longer, and I've had to deal with enough pining and whining from that bozo," Skeeter says with a gesture toward Ricky.

"Oh," Ben replies, too light headed from the kissing and too pleased at the idea of Ricky pining for him to say anything more coherent.

"Well," Skeeter continues, "I hate to break up something so gay, but I have to get home by my curfew in…" She checks a non-existent watch on her wrist. "fifteen minutes, so."

Ricky jumps up at that and Ben follows, feeling panicked for them. They both smooth out their suits as much as they can before trailing after Skeeter.

As the dopamine levels in his body start steadily decreasing, Ben fights against a sense of guilt building up in the back of his mind. Doing anything involving Ricky usually left him with an unwelcome guilt after the fact, and with how happy this had made him that feeling seemed so much heavier.

He pushes it away for now. The practical part of his brain knows this is good. Being happy is good, loving Ricky is good—scary, but still good. He would untangle that nagging feeling later. Right now everything is perfect.

Ricky spent their walk out of the building by getting on to Skeeter for waiting until the last minute to remind him about her curfew. Once they've reached the exit, Ricky has a silent exchange with Skeeter and she continues out into the parking lot while he turns to Ben.

He leans against the door frame and holds Ben's fingers between his own.

"This was good," Ricky says. He's attempting to sound casual, but the shine in his blue eyes gives away how much this means to him. "There is so much I want us to talk about, but I told Skeeter I would stay at hers tonight, something about my presence helping calm her parents. And I want you to have space to process everything that happened tonight, I don't want to rush things."

Ben nods. "So this," he gestures between them with his free hand, "will have to wait a bit?"

"Only until Monday."

Ricky slowly drops Ben's hand and moves to open the door. He brushes a piece of Ben's hair back and gives a soft, quick kiss that leaves Ben's lips tingling.

"To tide you over," Ricky says with a smirk.

Ben watches as he leaves, standing there until the sound of his bike fades into the distance.

—

Sunday morning Ricky woke up happier than he'd been in a long time, and that continued into Monday morning.

He's so excited to see Ben again. Ben's not at his locker, it is getting close to the beginning of class, so Ricky figures he'll have to find him at lunch.

His first two classes go by without a problem, other than having to tamper down the urge to go searching for Ben.

Third period is when something starts to feel off.

Ricky is not a very paranoid person. He doesn't worry that everyone secretly hates him, or that his peers are out to get him, because he's not so egotistical to think random people would ever even notice him enough to care. Oh, how he is wrong.

People in the hallway are talking in hushed tones a lot more than usual, and he swears some of them are glancing at him as he walks by. Ricky's desk in third period is surrounded by four others, one of which is occupied by Bobbie. The three others are currently filled by students who are leaning away from Ricky's desk. It's slight, he wouldn't have even noticed it if not for the weirdness in the hallway earlier.

He flicks Bobbie on the shoulder. "Hey. Is there something going on that I should know about?" Ricky asks, tilting his head toward the desks around him.

A strange look settles on his friends face. Is it…pity? Anger?

"Ignore them. They're just some morons who—"

Whatever Bobbie was about to say gets cut off by the late bell and the start of a long, boring lecture that Ricky completely ignores in favor of overthinking instead.

Everything comes crashing down by the time lunch is over.

Ricky didn't need an explanation, the poorly executed whispers and insults were enough. He almost loses his control when some freshman sneers 'fucking queer' at him, but Skeeter appears just in time and drags him into the nearest janitors closet.

She tells him everything.

Someone had spread the rumor that Ricky and Ben made out at prom. It was the biggest piece of gossip the school has had since the gym caught on fire, and they were running with it. The rumor has been dramatized and made vulgar in its few hours of life. It was becoming the joke of their grade, running through the halls like wildfire.

Skeeter held him in a fierce hug. She pulls away to look at Ricky warily.

"I think it was Heather who started it, the bitch," she spat.

Ricky's most precious memory, his moment, was out for everyone to know of. And it was all Heather's fault.

But none of that matters right now. All that matters is finding Ben and making sure he's okay.

He can't find him. Not during the rest of lunch, not during their shared classes, not outside of the school with Donna and Brady. He's nowhere to be found. Ben doesn't show up for the next two days, either. Ricky doesn't blame him; it's brutal to go about his day and have to pretend everyone around him hasn't been shown a part of his soul that he never wanted them to see.

On the third day Ben is back.

He's sitting on the curb by the staff parking, a cigarette between his fingers as he takes a long drag. Ricky's breath hitches at the sight of him. It's only been a few days since he last saw him, but it looks like its been weeks.

Ben is a mess. The bags under his eyes have tripled in size, his hair is a mess, like he keeps running his hand through it, and he's picked up smoking again. It's not just a one off cigarette, Ricky can smell it on him as he approaches the curb. Ben is collapsing in on himself.

Ricky settles a good ways apart from Ben, not wanting it to look like they're talking.

He has no idea where to start.

"Where have you been?"

"Home. Told my mom I was sick." Ben stubs out the rest of the cigarette on the concrete between them. "I think she was getting suspicious, so here I am, I guess."

"So you heard that—" Ricky starts.

"That they all know?" Ben cuts in. "Yeah, it was hard to miss."

Ricky can't handle the pain in his voice. He's hurt, he's so hurt. They both are. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

He has to fix this somehow. He takes a measured breath before voicing his idea.

"We should stop seeing each other. I mean—at school," Ricky clarifies when Ben looks struck by his first statement. "We need to, at least for a bit so this all dies down."

Ricky feared what his father might do to him if this gets around to him.

"My dad would transfer me in a heartbeat if it gets back to him." It's true, and the least brutal explanation of the possible consequences.

"Right," Ben responds stiffly. He seems sad at the thought of ignoring Ricky at school. It's where they spend most of their time together.

"Me and Donna have been acting odd, considering everything," he continues, "and my mom doesn't understand why her kids are acting like that. She couldn't handle the truth." Ben gets a far away look in his eyes as he talks about his mom. "Knowing that her son is…"

He doesn't finish his sentence, but they both know what he means.

Ricky considers Skeeter’s mother, how intense her reaction was, and still is, to her daughter. All the pain Skeeter has been through because of it, the pain caused by being outed. If Ricky could take that pain away from her, he would, but its already happened. However, with Ben, that pain can still be avoided, even if it is through smaller but temporary pain of another kind.

"Maybe it would be good to fix things with Lola," Ricky suggests through gritted teeth. It's the opposite of what her wants, but everything he wants he also ruins.

The air is too cold. Ben's demeanor shifts, no longer folding in on himself. His shoulders are back in what looks like indignance. His gaze meets Ricky's, an awful mix of despair and anger.

"What?" Ben demands. Each letter sharp as it hits Ricky's ears.

"I-" Ricky is left speechless at that reactions and scrambles for words. "Being with Lola again is the best thing you can do to save yourself from," the heartbreak of being with me, he thinks, being ostracized. "from any more problems."

The other boy searches his face, looking for a sign, some double meaning.

"So, what, we just go back to being friends?" Ricky mouths a yes, unable to speak. "After everything? Just friends. Pretending nothing happened."

"We have to," Ricky says, holding back the I think and the probably attached to that statement. He has to convince Ben that this is right. He has to convince himself, because being friends is the only way he can think to spare both of them a world of pain.

"Fine," Ben concedes, his tone blunt with forced apathy. "I guess we're just friends, then."

There is nothing left to say, but they stay there on the curb for a moment, the space between them feeling like an ocean forcing them apart. Ricky wants them to stay there, in Ben's presence, forever so this plan never goes through. Grass would grow through the concrete and wrap around his fingers so he wouldn't have to move on.

Ben can't do it, and Ricky understands that, too. His eyes are dry as he stands to leave, but they look absolutely shattered. He storms off into the school without a word.

In the time after that conversation, life goes on. They stick to their deal to just be friends, but avoiding Ben at school makes them feel like acquaintances, like he's just another classmate.

Ben doesn't get back together with Lola, wether that's from lack of trying or because she said no, Ricky wasn't sure. It's not like he and Ben talked anymore. He's no longer involved in that part of his life.

They've become distant. Their desire to dispel the rumors and save themselves from harassment is part of it, but the other part is what keeps Ricky up at night.

They could have been something.

They could've been together, and they wanted to so badly, and that haunts the false friendship they are trying to maintain.

They were so close, but Heather had taken their blossoming relationship and smeared it with red.

The only time they see each other—really see each other— is in the darkness of Ben's bedroom when Ricky sneaks in very late, not wanting to disturb him and unsure if he's allowed to be there before absolutely necessary. They lie in silence, pretending to be asleep while listening to each other's even breathing.

Ben can't sleep without it.

So they stay friends only at night, when the darkness consumes everything and the world goes quiet. They stay friends who want and want and want, but never act, fearful of what could happen.