Work Text:
The city was mostly rubble. Again.
A Category Dragon threat loomed over the skyline; fifty feet tall, ten mouths, laser eyes, tentacles, the usual. Citizens were screaming, evacuating, posting blurry phone footage with #saitama.
And right in front of the monster, standing calmly in his yellow pajamas, was Saitama.
He blinked up at it. “Okay, but seriously. I just cleaned the balcony.”
The monster roared something vaguely apocalyptic.
Then the sky tore open like a wet canvas.
Ink fell out of it with the grace of a tipped-over art cart, hit the ground in a splash of color, rolled twice, and popped up on one foot with a dramatic twirl.
“Ta-da!” he said, as if this was a show and not a kaiju attack.
Saitama stared.
The monster paused mid-roar.
Ink dusted himself off. “Okay. Good skyline, nice destruction aesthetic, but that color palette is tragic.” He turned to Saitama. “Hi! You the local protagonist?”
“…I guess.”
“Cool,” Ink said, already dipping his brush into a swirling vial at his side. “Hold still.”
Before anyone could stop him, Ink flicked his brush toward the towering monster.
With a ripple of light, a massive pink curly mustache appeared just under its nearest jaw.
The monster stopped moving.
Saitama raised an eyebrow.
“…What is that?”
“Character,” Ink said proudly.
The monster roared in confusion and fired a beam of raw plasma.
Ink responded by twirling his brush and drawing a swirly shield midair. The beam hit it, refracted into confetti, and exploded harmlessly in a burst of glitter.
From several blocks away, Genos dropped onto a rooftop and narrowed his eyes.
“Saitama-sensei,” he said over the comms. “Is the new arrival a psychic? A high-level esper? Should I engage?”
Saitama scratched his head. “Nah. He’s just… doing stuff.”
The monster screamed again and lunged. Ink leapt sideways with a gasp and a flourish, landing upside down on a lamppost like he thought gravity was optional.
“This one’s got flair!” Ink shouted, skimming along the ground and painting speed lines behind him. “Gotta respect the commitment!”
The monster whipped its tentacles. Ink dodged, then painted a banana peel on the ground. The creature actually slipped on it.
Genos, watching from the roof, was visibly struggling.
“He- He’s warping probability with visuals. I don’t understand. What is his power class?”
“Looks like ‘crayon-based stupidity,’” Saitama said. “Still not punching it.”
The monster tried to regenerate, but Ink gleefully painted a giant cartoon “NOPE” sign over the wound, and it refused to heal.
“Honestly,” Ink muttered, painting another swirl in the air, “your monster design is all over the place. I’d simplify the silhouette, maybe tone down the slime-”
He was immediately smacked into a building.
The wall cracked.
Ink slid down, left a smear of rainbow color, and stood back up like nothing happened.
“Rude.”
Saitama sighed. “Alright. You had your fun?”
Ink blinked. “Wait. That’s your fight?”
Saitama nodded.
“Oh, sorry. I thought you were the tutorial boss.”
Saitama blinked back, then slowly raised a fist.
“I’ll clean it up.”
He punched.
The monster ceased to exist.
Ink clapped. “Efficient! Could’ve used a little more flair though- maybe a shockwave shaped like a star?”
Genos landed beside them, scanning Ink with every sensor he had. “What are you? How are you manipulating physical law without known output metrics? Where is your energy core?”
Ink leaned in, whispered, “It’s called ✨vibes✨,” and booped Genos on the nose with the brush.
Genos locked up.
Ink opened a portal made entirely of glowing, painted gears. “Welp! Time to find my next canvas.”
“Cool,” said Saitama, already turning around.
Ink paused. “You’re not even curious about me?”
“Nope.”
“Even after all that?”
Saitama shrugged. “I’ve seen a guy turn into a crab from eating too much seafood. You don’t even crack top ten.”
Ink burst out laughing. “You’re fun. I’m stealing your sky color.”
“What?”
Too late.
He vanished through the portal. The sky immediately turned lavender for no reason.
Genos rebooted, stared upward, and said, “What… the hell.”
Saitama looked up at the sky, shrugged again, and walked home.