Chapter Text
You realize you’re in love with Law one clear evening on the deck of the Sunny. It’s not long after a joint battle with the Heart Pirates and the Strawhats against the Marines, and both crews are celebrating with a party, like usual.
You and Law are sitting off to the side, splitting a bottle of sake. It’s quieter over here, and both of you tend to creep to the edges of parties. He just does, probably preferring the calm and to just watch from the outside, and you... well, you tend to pick one person in the party and follow them around like a puppy for the entire night. It used to be Luffy when you’d first joined the Strawhats, but now, it’s often Law, at least when the two crews are together. A small part of you feels some guilt for spending so much time with the other captain, especially since you’re not quite sure why you gravitate towards him so much, but most of you is just happy he seems to tolerate your presence.
That’s what starts it. Law passes you the bottle, and you take a swig, thinking. You’re tipsy already from the rum you’d drank earlier in the night, being a lightweight (at least compared to the other pirates), and the sake won’t help with that. You start wondering: why am I so attracted to Law? And then your brain latches on to your unfortunate wording (wording? is it wording if it’s only mental?) and you think, am I attracted to Law?
He’s certainly attractive. His face is neatly sculpted, well groomed. He’s lean and muscular, well kept for a pirate. His hands. Okay. You know he’s hot, but you also know most of the Strawhats are hot and you’re not attracted to them. You pass Law back the bottle of sake, staring out at the party. Why are you even thinking so hard about this? Shouldn’t the answer be an uncomplicated no?
“What’s got you thinking so hard?” Law asks, taking a swig from the bottle. You glance over to him, your eyes just briefly flickering over his face. You know why it’s so hard to answer the question that’s on your mind. It’s because you know the answer. There’s a reason you want to spend every moment possible with Law, a reason you rush to the dendenmushi when it rings in the hopes that it’s him.
“Nothing important,” you say, grabbing for the bottle. “Gimme.”
Law huffs, passing it to you. “You’re going to regret it tomorrow if you keep up this pace,” he admonishes. You shrug, gulping down a few mouthfuls of sweet sake.
“Oh well,” you reply. You need to be less sober right now. You think it means something that you want to crawl into his lap and rest your face against his collarbone right now. You think it’s probably a sign that you want to run your hand down the side of his face. You think you might be in love with him.
Law just rolls his eyes and doesn’t say anything, oblivious to your inner conflict. But that’s fine. You won’t tell him, anyway. You know there’s no chance he feels the same way. After all, Law doesn’t even really consider you two friends. He hardly considers Luffy a friend, and you know Luffy had saved his life and destroyed his greatest enemy in Dressrosa. You can’t even begin to compare to that. You would be happy if Law would consider you an ally. That’s enough for you.
And besides. Unrequited love isn’t going to hurt you. You’ve dealt with far worse.
--
It’s about a week later, the next island over, when you first start to feel sick. It starts with a weak, feverish feeling and a vague, uncomfortable sensation in your upper chest. It leaves you a bit slowed down and occasionally coughing, gently rapping on your chest to try to shift whatever is misplaced or stuck there, but you can largely ignore it. You don’t even think the other Strawhats really pay attention to it; after all, getting the occasional cold isn’t that unusual. Chopper asks you if you’re okay, and you tell him you think you have allergies. He offers you some medicine, which you decline, and that’s all there is to it. You figure you’ll feel better by the time you’re at the next island. You don’t think too much of it, honestly.
You’ve separated from the Heart Pirates for the time being, and although you’ll be meeting back up with them in just a few islands, you feel a deep, heavy longing that seems to sit in your chest in the same place as the uncomfortable sensation that’s been growing there. You miss Law. You miss Bepo and Shachi and Penguin and all the others too, of course, but it’s Law you miss the most. You want to talk with him, want to hear him ramble about medicine and about his travels and about the intricacies of the human body. You want to see the way he moves his hands when he does, how he gestures and how his face shifts, too. You miss him. It’s stupid, because it hasn’t been that long and you two aren’t together, you have no right to miss him like this, but you miss him anyway.
You keep telling yourself that other people live for longer far away from their loved ones, far away from friends and family and lovers. Law is just your ally and it’s weeks for you, not months or years or forever. You try to think about how Luffy must feel about his brothers, try to tell yourself that you’re being self indulgent by even feeling bad about the whole thing. It’s better if you move on from Law, anyway.
It doesn’t really work, though. You stumble back into the girls’ quarters after a night of drinking with Zoro (which is fun, really! but not the same as drinking with Law. Zoro is a friend, but he isn’t... you’re not in love with him) and your chest aches. You think it’s just mental at first, but then you get the irresistible urge to cough. You try to hold it back (the others are sleeping) but you find that you can’t. You muffle yourself by coughing into your hand, feeling something gross crawling its way up your throat. You quickly make your way to the bathroom, expecting a gross wad of snot, but what you hack up into the sink is... a pink petal. It’s covered in mucus, of course, but it’s definitely a petal. Bruised and wilted, it sits damningly in the sink.
You stare at it for a long moment before grabbing it and dropping it in the toilet, flushing the evidence away. You feel strangely numb, even though your chest still hurts. You know what this means, of course. Hanahaki is a legendary disease.
But really, this doesn’t change anything. You still have one goal, one mission that will fix everything; you just have to fall out of love with Law. You can’t have the surgery without telling someone, and realistically, Law would do the surgery. The man isn’t stupid. He’d know he was the one. You also can’t confess to him. It wouldn’t do anything except end in him giving your stupid ass the surgery. You’d much rather just kill the stupid disease at the source and stop your feelings yourself. You don’t know if it’s possible or if it’s even succeeded before as a cure but damn if you won’t try.
You don’t see Law that often, anyway. It can’t possibly be that hard.
--
You’re doing so good until the next time you see him. You’ve mostly clearly your mind of him, keeping absolutely focused on defeating the tyrannical monarchy ruling this island. And even though Luffy is the star of the show, you’re really proud of your work on this latest couple of islands. You really feel like you’re pulling your weight. You might be a little more exhausted after each battle, might have to shove a few flowers in your pockets or flush them down the toilets at night, but you’re doing really well. Everything is fine and you’re not thinking about how badly you want to see Law.
You haven’t thought at all about how much you want to update him on everything you and the crew have been up to. You haven’t wanted desperately to see his reactions when you describe how Luffy defeated the big boss of the latest island, how you helped by defeating the boss’s second hand man with Zoro’s help. You don’t want to know how Law would respond to hearing about how hard you’ve worked lately. It wouldn’t matter at all to you. You’re moving past that.
In fact, when you reach the next island and see the Polar Tang already docked there, bright yellow and almost glowing in the sun, you’re not excited at all. You don’t feel your heart flutter excitedly in your chest, which aches nearly constantly now. Nope. You’re better than that. And you definitely aren’t scanning the deck of the Polar Tang for Law’s familiar form. Which isn’t there, but still.
You’re definitely going to undo any progress you’ve made so far now that you’re going to see him in person. It doesn’t help that you know Luffy is already wanting to have a party between the two crews. He’s always looking for any excuse to do that, so it’s not a surprise, but you wish for once he’d be more calm about things. You usually hang out with Law at parties, at least the last dozen or so times. It would be weird if you didn’t this time, and you don’t want him to suffer just because you’re trying to fall out of love with him.
So, later, when the Heart Pirates return from their daily activities out on the island and it’s time for that party, you decide to indulge yourself. You don’t hide from Law. You can’t live your life hiding from him, so when he boards the Sunny, you greet him with a bright smile like nothing is wrong.
“Hi Torao,” you say, grinning. He sighs.
“That’s not my name,” he mutters, but you both know it’s pointless. You know his name, you just won’t call him that. “I see you made it here in one piece,” he remarks.
“Yep, everyone’s all safe and sound!” you reply. You can’t help the way your heart soars at the thought of him worrying about your safety, even a little bit. You think it’s because that would mean he was thinking about you -- although, isn’t it kind of pathetic the way that makes you so happy like this?
“I heard you got into some trouble, but it seems everything turned out okay,” he says. You nod.
“Just had to overthrow a tyrannical king!” You give him a thumbs up and he sighs.
“Of course. Strawhat-ya is always getting caught up in things like that.” Law adjusts his hat, glancing over to where Luffy and the others have already started partying. Sanji is bringing out drinks for everyone, and Brook is playing a jaunty tune on his violin. There’s a festive mood in the air.
“And we’ll always back him up,” you reply, nodding. Law nods in turn. The conversation comes to a natural lull, as it often does talking to Law. He’s on the quieter side, and you can be too, so this happens a lot. It’s a comfortable silence, though, and the two of you simply stand side by side, watching the Heart Pirates and the Strawhats start what promises to be a long afternoon and evening of drinking.
You’re content, except after a bit, you’re suddenly struck by the urge to cough. You turn, raising a hand to cover your mouth as you cough hard, hacking into the palm of your hand. Law looks at you, raising an eyebrow.
“You alright?” he asks, voice skeptical.
“Mhm,” you wheeze out between coughs. “Choking on... my own spit,” you add, continuing to cough. Law hums, just watching you.
“I’ll get you some water,” he says after a moment. You’ve never felt so much relief in his life as he turns away, walking towards Sanji. It’s second, although barely, to the relief you feel when you finally cough up the offending flower petal. Or, well, when you look down at your hand, it appears to actually be a small flower bud. That explains the violence of that particular coughing fit. You shove it in your pocket before anyone can see, wiping your hand on your pants.
“Feeling better?” Law asks when he returns, water in hand. He passes it to you and you gratefully accept it, taking small sips that soothe your aching throat.
“Mhm,” you reply, not trusting your voice. Law looks at you with furrowed brows, something in his eyes that you can’t quite read. After a moment, you give him a smile. “Can’t believe all that was just from inhaling my own spit, yeesh,” you say, laughing.
He stares at you for a moment. “Yeah,” he replies. “Me neither.” You still can’t quite read his gaze, and it’s unnerving. Did you do something to upset him? To make him mad? Surely not. All you did was start coughing. You briefly entertain the thought that he’s worried, but you decide that falls too close to indulging yourself and push it away.
The rest of the night passes as a blur, largely because Sanji brings the two of you a bottle of rum and you’re the only one who drinks any of it, Law citing a headache as his reason to not drink. You’re never one to turn down booze, and you’re well past tipsy and on your way to wasted by the time dinner comes out, which means you’ve been drinking on an empty stomach the whole time. The food is, of course, excellent though, and Law gives you his portion of the freshly baked bread Sanji prepared, so you couldn’t be any happier.
You vaguely remember someone helping you to the cabin, but you’re not sure who. You know Robin was involved, but definitely someone else, too. You think maybe it was Law, hope it was Law, but that’s dangerous territory for your thoughts. You just want it to be Law. Besides, would Law have enjoyed that? You being drunk and him being sober? Or would that be a burden to him, you being a mess and him having to watch out for you? Isn’t that how it always is?
You fall asleep with mixed thoughts and emotions in your head. You can’t remember if you coughed up anything else that night. Maybe you did and flushed it down the toilet. But the next morning, the only thing in your pocket is the thoroughly squished remains of the small flower bud you’d coughed up the night before.