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the cafe wasn't busy this late at night, aside from a few customers and the soft hum of pop music coming from the speakers ahead. sho sat in his seat, his coffee still untouched; his posture uptight, his eyes watching the door every few seconds.
he found himself feeling way more nervous than he wanted to be, his knee bouncing under the table and his brain constantly on and running.
because he was seeing zhongxing today. and, stupidly, the thought of zhongxing alone made sho's heart race.
sho had admitted it to himself by now; he liked zhongxing. he liked how hardworking he truly was, liked the way he smiled and the way he treated the others so sweetly. sho hated how he only realized all this now – he felt like just another fan, having to watch zhongxing through the tv and feeling like he didn't truly know him.
regardless, when sho heard that zhongxing was visiting korea, he made the effort to ask to hang out before he left, no matter how embarrassing it felt. sho texted him about it, and he couldn't focus on practice all day, waiting for a response. and, hey, it worked out in the end; zhongxing agreed to meet at the cafe near sho's dorm.
sho knew it was silly, but he felt so lucky.
when zhongxing finally stepped inside, sho almost didn't recognize him (even if he'd been keeping up with every episode). it wasn't his looks, per se, but his demeanor. he looked a lot more relaxed, lighter, as if all the weight on his shoulders had disappeared since they'd last seen each other. he looked different. and he looked good, as always. zhongxing had to have caught how he was staring.
"hey," zhongxing said, crossing the room with a grin that sho had never seen before; at least not like this. it was easy, natural, unguarded.
sho got to his feet a little too quickly, almost knocking his chair over in the process. "you're late," he muttered. because he couldn't think of anything else, and he needed to say something normal before the beat of his heart became more obvious.
zhongxing just laughed, sliding into the seat across from him. "sorry, busy," he said, in clumsy korean, then added something in chinese that sho couldn't catch. his tone was light enough that sho didn't mind not knowing the words.
for a few minutes, they talked between sips of their coffee – about small things, stories from the practice room, all surface-level.
"i went to the support cafe today," zhongxing mentioned at one point, his words slow, a small smile on his lips, "thought you would be there."
sho's eyes widened, raising a hand to his mouth in surprise. "really? i went yesterday, i should've gone today."
"ah," zhongxing laughed, "that's okay."
sho couldn't shake the feeling he got after that exchange. zhongxing had wanted him to be there? had he been looking for him? what would that even imply? sho shook his head; he was reading too much into it. most important of all, that meant zhongxing really did want to see him, too. and that was something.
even in normal conversation, sho couldn't stop staring, couldn't stop thinking about how different zhongxing looked. without the cameras or the constant pressure weighing down on him. his eyes were brighter, smile more genuine.
and he looked good with dark hair. with what seemed like no makeup. he looked better in general, inside and out.
it was no fair. sho had no right to look at him like this. not when everything had been cut short between them, when there was realistically no chance of anything but a casual friendship between them. still, the words he'd wanted to say pressed at his throat, until he physically couldn't hold back anymore.
"i watched you," sho said suddenly, and his tone was softer than he meant for it to be. he winced, tightening the grip on his plastic cup. his words were careful, simple, when he continued. "on the show... after i was gone. every episode."
zhongxing glanced up, his brows lifting slightly. "you did?"
"of course," sho said quickly, and it was like he could hear his pulse rushing in his ears. his fingers twisted around his straw, avoiding eye contact. "you were good. very good. like... your rap was stronger. your korean was really good, and the fans loved you, and i'm pr–"
he realized far too late that he was rambling, and zhongxing probably didn't even catch everything he'd said. his cheeks blushed pink, his words turning to silence in a moment. sho wished that he could take them all back, or at least spread them out more evenly, so that it sounded less like a confession. or something.
zhongxing let out a soft laugh from the other side of the table. "wow, my number one fan, huh?" he teased. somehow, his accent was even more endearing than usual.
if sho were a stronger man, he'd have countered him, saying something sly like 'so what if i am?' or 'wouldn't you like that?'
but he wasn't, obviously. his head snapped up in a startle, and he regretted it immediately once zhongxing's grin visibly widened. sho's face only burned hotter, averting his gaze quickly and mumbling, "well- i mean..."
it was clear zhongxing wasn't smirking in a careless way, like he used to. his laugh lingered, and there was something else in his expression, too. something quieter, softened by the way his eyes lingered on sho's face. "thank you," he said after a moment, and though his words were simple, the weight of them, of his tone, settled deep into sho's chest.
neither of them spoke for a while. sho mindlessly traced circles into his napkin, trying his hardest to ignore how badly he wanted to say more. to ask if zhongxing had felt that same, foolish ache in their weeks apart that sho had.
zhongxing leaned back in his chair, looking down at the table. the small smile was still tugging on his lips, as if he wasn't entirely unaffected by the exchange, either. He broke the silence first, leaning forward to brush his hand lightly against the sleeve of sho's jacket, as if he were dusting something off. the touch was casual, careless, but that didn't stop sho's heart rate from spiking.
"you look tired," zhongxing said, his eyes still on sho, his tone threaded with concern.
sho laughed – in nervousness, not humor – shaking his head. "no, i'm okay."
he wasn't, not really. not with zhongxing right there, real, across from him. looking like that, sounding like that. not when he knew this moment would end, and zhongxing might leave again before sho can make sense of his feelings.
"really?" zhongxing asked with a tilt of his head, as if he could see right through him. he remarked a moment later, with a newfound something in his eyes; "you haven't changed at all."
sho bristled at the words at first, out of instinct, ready to argue (because what did he mean by that?) – until he caught the way that zhongxing's gaze had softened, the way his smile didn't quite reach his eyes for a few moments. it didn't seem like teasing; it seemed like something else.
sho didn't know what it was, but somehow, it made his heart flutter nonetheless.
they talked a little more, about training, the new songs, the gossip among trainees that sho had missed out on.
"li zihao and suren are really dating," zhongxing had explained at one point. not like sho, like anyone couldn't have guessed that on their own, but it was what he said next, with a wistful glint in his eye, that stuck with sho. "i'm jealous. when's my turn?"
hello, i'm right here, it can be your turn now if you want, sho wanted to say. he didn't. obviously.
sho barely even registered his words, really. all he noticed was how zhongxing looked freer now, so much happier. he noticed how being by zhongxing's side again both healed and hurt his heart at once.
and when they finally stood to leave – a moment that came far too quickly for sho's taste – he lingered, reluctant. he followed behind zhongxing, trying not to show his frown.
at the door, zhongxing hesitated, too, before he stepped back into the night.
then, without any warning, his arms were around sho, warm and trustworthy, pulling him in. he was never this openly affectionate, unless he counted that time at the eliminations. but that was different. zhongxing must've felt more comfortable with it now.
sho froze, his breath catching as his cheek pressed against zhongxing's chest. it wasn't for long – only a few seconds – but it felt longer, too long, especially with how all of sho's senses felt magnified.
zhongxing's embrace was comforting, reassuring. sho felt oddly protected; sure, partly because of how how small sho really was in comparison to him, but it was more about zhongxing's aura. what once felt intimidating now felt inviting.
sho could hear the steady beating of zhongxing's heart, the scent of body spray clinging to zhongxing's jacket. felt how even with how zhongxing had initiated it, he was still a bit stiff in posture.
by the time zhongxing pulled back, his hand lingering on the small of sho's back, sho's pulse was a mess, his entire face feeling like it was burning up. zhongxing only smiled, casually as if nothing had happened.
but there was this specific softness in his eyes that sho couldn't ignore; couldn't not overthink. zhongxing stepped back, hand already on the door, but his gaze stayed on sho for longer.
"i missed you," he said softly, his words almost swallowed by the hum of the cafe around them, "see you again." then he smiled, sly and easy, as if he hadn't just left sho's heart overflowing.
and before sho could answer – before he could say, i missed you more, before he could ask, when will 'again' be?, before he could admit, i like you so much that it's eating at me from the inside – zhongxing was gone.