Chapter Text
Not everything is meant to last forever. Beautiful things end everyday; flowers wilt, items break, people pass. This is life, so when your seemingly perfect relationship ended suddenly over a year and a half ago, you knew that finality was inescapable. It hurt like hell to deal with the betrayal after 3 years of trust and blind faith, but you knew you would survive and heal. It was not the first time and it wouldn't be the last.
Patterns change and part of the healing process is learning how to reschedule life now that you no longer have to merge two lifestyles together - having to find yourself again in the process. One thing you learned from previous break-ups was that you did not have to let go of everything that connected you to the former partner. You could be mature and handle an awkward encounter if needed. You are an adult. So when you continue to go to your favorite Chinese food restaurant at least once a week, you don't worry about the potential run in. Besides, you were the one that loved Chinese food and the ex simply tagged along.
About half a year ago, you were randomly approached at the restaurant after having it for dinner 2 nights in a row. The owner's mother had made a special dessert for the day to test run as a potential menu add on. Your bleak soul had illuminated at the mention and immediately ordered it without a second thought. As it was set in front of you and your hands were busy reaching for your spoon, a tall figure in black reached out to you in pure desperation. They offered you a handsome amount of money for your new found joy in the form of a pastry. The shadowy figure pleaded that it was the last one and they really wanted it. They insisted that they weren't able to come by all of the time due to job restrictions and the sweet bundle of
goodness was also all they needed to keep going in life.
You were never a mean person. Sure, you've become a bit cold lately after the interactions you've had with some specific humans, but you weren't evil either. You also weren't completely selfless. So you chose to do what any sensible person would; you shared.
Mentally, you cursed your elementary teachers for preaching "sharing is caring" as you saw your life-saving dessert get split in half, but you let it go when you finally saw the sparkle in the other's eyes. He was beaming - no, radiating is the correct term. He was excitable and spoke with an airy tone. You could envision his smile in every word he said without having to look at him; the pure joy slipping off of his tongue as he scooped his next spoonful. You couldn't be angry. It was impossible to hate the man for approaching
you. His reaction was endearing and from the moment he took his first bite, you knew. A feeling you wished you didn't recognize.
Crap, not again...
After your shared pastry, the man introduced himself, gave you his number, and promised to buy you a meal every time he could make it to the shop. He felt compelled to return your kindness and had enjoyed your time together in light conversation - you didn't understand this statement though since you're pretty sure you just stared in awe the entire 10 minutes. Since then, you texted your new friend, Junhui, frequently and met up with him for a meal as often as possible for the following 6 months.
You weren't sure at what point everything became so natural. Texting every day was the new norm. At times he didn't reply but he never let more than a day go by without responding and he would always explain what happened at work that kept him from talking to you. He naturally became the person you would text when you had a rough day at work and you knew you could count on him to make you feel better. He was the person you called when your former classmate died unexpectedly in a car accident. You had drifted after high school, but it still hurt. He met up with you to let you process the loss and even bought you dessert.
The thing about the friendship with Junhui was that no matter how comforting and reliable it was, there was always a barrier that never allowed you to truly be best friends or more at that. There were common things, that despite being friends for 6 months, were still a mystery to you. He was your go-to. He was who you wanted to talk to every day. The reason you checked your phone every 5 minutes. But you did not know a lot of the simple things, like what exactly he worked in. You did not know where he lived. You did not hang out or even plan said hang outs. You never met anywhere else but the Chinese restaurant you refused to let go of. So when you told Junhui about how a client made a pass at you and your employer did nothing about it, you were not expecting him to tell you to apply at his company and to leave your job immediately. He was visibly upset, angry even, and although you've never seen such an expression on his face, you continued to stare at him in pure adoration.
The barrier had finally broken when you learned of his true career. How you were friends with a Kpop idol for the past 6 months and managed to be completely oblivious was beyond your understanding. You submitted your application to the company Junhui recommended and fortunately were able to skew your experience just enough to qualify.
You weren't confident you'd be hired, but Junhui believed in you all the way through and shouted congratulations so loudly through the receiver that you temporarily lost your ability to hear from your right ear.
The first week was overwhelming. You had no idea of all of the work involved in the music business and your brain was completely fried. You were introduced to the groups and company staff and there was no way you could possibly remember everyone's name in one go. Meeting Junhui's group was hard enough. There were 13 members but you could have sworn that there were 40 people in the room.
After a couple of more weeks, some of the staff and group members had taken a liking to you. Your direct supervisor was grateful that you "fit right in" and you were just happy to have a new job. Many were friendly and as a mature individual you knew how to not pay any mind to the bitter staff. You had fun, but more than anything, you loved seeing Junhui more often even if you didn't get to talk to him directly. He'd always give you a soft smile whenever you crossed paths.
You noticed an unread message when you arrived home and you couldn't resist the smile as you guessed who it maybe. You liked him. Some might dare to use a different "L" word, but you were doing your best to keep your feelings in check. Even if those feelings stirred the minute you met. After talking for months you questioned if it were possible he felt something too. Why else would he have bothered to keep the connection between you? He definitely didn't owe you any more meals for sharing half a pastry anymore but why else did he still do so last week after work? Was it okay to assume maybe he was at least a little interested?
When you opened the message app, you noticed that it was actually from your new friend. He was from Junhui's group and you instantly connected well after introductions on your first day. He'd texted and called you a couple of times and you did enjoy his company. He's funny and has been trying to make you a "Carat". He had also asked you to name him as your bias - whatever the heck that meant. His name is Soonyoung, but his stage name is Hoshi and he calls himself a Tiger? You jokingly questioned if he was having an identity crisis and elicited a favorable response from 3 other members who are now your friends as well. They were Jihoon (Woozi), Wonwoo, and Myungho (The8) - the anti-tiger club. They didn't reach out as often but so far the friendship had been pleasant.
Three months into the job and you had noticed a gradual decrease in communication with Junhui. His texts were almost non-existent and he stopped meeting up for meals. His delay in communication was worse now than when he was actively promoting his group's album (you had thought back and done the math). It was concerning, but you weren't sure how to or even if you were allowed to broach the subject.
Meanwhile, Soonyoung had upped his contact with you and it was comforting to have another friend when you weren't sure if you did something to ruin your best one. Soonyoung invited you to eat lunch and dinner several times with Jihoon and Wonwoo and rejecting was never an option. You hoped Junhui would pop in, but he never did. Yesterday during dinner with Soonyoung and Wonwoo, Soonyoung decided to make Junhui the topic of interest. He asked Wonwoo if anything was up with Junhui, mentioning that he'd been distant and distracted during practice for the performance team. He was initially frustrated, but it was clear that his true feelings were from a place of concern. You texted him that day to see how your friend was doing and didn't get a response.
Junhui felt like a ghost of your past. You still texted him almost daily and the scarce responses you got were of him apologizing that he was busy. Soonyoung had become a common part of your day and you welcomed the company. Soonyoung was clearly a friend in your eyes while Junhui started to become a sore spot on your heart. You missed him. His friendship was different and even if romance was not on the table, you just wanted your friend back. But still the question lingered if you even had a place to ask. What was your status? Was he your best friend but were you just an acquaintance to him? Do acquaintances become that close? It's not like your conversations were one-sided. He vented to you too. He shared his insecurities, his short-comings, his emotions, and his frustrations with you even if you didn't know his full situation and you assumed you provided him some comfort as well if he continued to go to you. So why the sudden change?
The feeling of confusion was becoming anger; anger from hurt.
Your first holiday with the company arrived and Soonyoung invited you out for a late dinner and stroll. When you showed up to the restaurant he apologized that it was just him since Jihoon had canceled. You asked him if it was okay to even meet - worried about rumors, but he assured it would be fine. You enjoyed the time out with him. A night of jokes and heart-felt laughter. Laughter so strong that tears rolled and the gut was sore. During the stroll, Soonyoung questioned your relationship with Junhui. You asked why he even thought there was one and he told you that Junhui was overly attached to his phone for a while and the members assumed he had a girlfriend. They snatched his phone away some months ago and Soonyoung had seen your name on his phone. They didn't think anything of it because a quick skim through his text messages didn't show any indication of romance in that there were no "lovey-dovey" texts. What alerted Soonyoung was the looks Junhui and you would share in passing at the company. It had taken him some time to put 2 and 2 together but he eventually remembered that your name matched the one in Junhui's phone. You quickly shared the brief history with Junhui, but kept all feelings out of the story. Soonyoung believed you that it was platonic or at least he said he did.
Junhui called you randomly one day. The distance was clear as it had been months since you've had a conversation. You wished that almost a year into knowing each other you'd be dating, but instead you were strangers. When you answered his call, he was clearly nervous. It wasn't from being uncomfortable since even now it felt like you could talk to him as if nothing had happened. No, his nervous tone was filled with guilt. He asked you how you had been, how the company was treating you, and apologized for being MIA. You told him you'd been well, the company was treating you well, and that it was okay- you understood that he's busy. You didn't completely hold back though. You added that even so you missed talking to him more often, that you hoped he's taking care of himself and asked how he's been. He stuttered a bit in saying he was fine and that he'd try to reach out more often. After a brief, eternal silence you asked him if he needed anything since he hadn't called in a long while. He hesitated, but eventually confessed that he needed a favor. He was trying to buy a gift for a girl and he didn't know what to buy. You helped him because you were willing to do anything for Junhui despite your feelings.
A week after your awkward call, you overheard Soonyoung talking to Myungho, well more like shouting at him, demanding answers about Junhui's new girlfriend. You didn't mean to eavesdrop but you couldn't resist standing by the door to the practice room that housed Soonyoung, Myungho, and Chan, unsure of Junhui's location. Myungho told Soonyoung that he also wasn't aware and it was sprung up on all of them. You knew Soonyoung's anger was in your defense, having broken the floodgates to Soonyoung after your difficult conversation with Junhui. You called Soonyoung who met you at a park and you spewed the truth. How you liked Junhui since the minute you met. How his friendship was so valuable to you. How you missed him. How it hurt to have him drift. How it destroyed you to not have him tell you directly about his girlfriend. How it invalidated you to pick a gift for her.
You've always known life can be cruel. Life was really out for you when Junhui returned from the restroom to find you standing at the door - head empty. You locked onto concerned eyes; he locked onto glassy ones.
Soonyoung stuck closer than ever. Constant texts, phone calls, video calls, even meet ups. You hung out several times alone even. His presence was comforting after being indirectly rejected. Eventually, you admitted that it was time to have a serious talk with Soonyong. You explained to him that you wanted to make sure you weren't leading him on in anyway. That you were in healing (again) and that over all you wanted to make sure you
both were platonic. He said he knew. You weren't sure if to believe that.
Junhui kept his word to reach out more often but all communication was surface level. Probably afraid to get too close now that he was spoken for. You cut your losses and focused on your gains. Soonyoung and you had become inseparable; figuratively of course. It came as no surprise when Soonyoung asked you out on a real date. You told him clearly that you had not fully moved on yet. He told you with pure sincerity in his eyes that he had liked you for a while. That you made every day more pleasant. That your presence alone gave him a sense of calm and restlessness at the same time. That he knew asking was a risk at your friendship, but that he couldn't hide any longer. That if you were willing, he would not hesitate to make you happy. That he will heal your heart if you'd give him the chance.
You managed to convince Soonyoung to give you a few days to decide. That it wasn't a rejection because you do like him. You do enjoy his company. But overall, you didn't want to hurt him. He understood, told you to take your time, but that he wasn't afraid. That you were worth the risk. That he was confident he could turn that like to love.
Seungcheol was aware of Soonyoung's confession and had asked to speak to you. He was clearly peeved with the situation. He was concerned for Soonyoung's wellbeing and didn't want you to accept. He strongly believed you'd just be using him as a rebound. He already didn't like the fact that you harbored any feelings for Junhui in the first place. However, after coming off strong and making you cry a bit, he took your hand and asked you if you seriously care about Soonyoung. After convincing him of Soonyoung's importance to you, he allowed it. You explained to him that you weren't even sure if you wanted to go through with it and questioned his decision. Seungcheol simply stated that it really could go either way. If you open yourself whole-heartedly to Soonyoung, then perhaps you could move on and that would happen if you give Soonyoung a chance. He reminded you that Junhui was off the market anyway whether he was on board with that situation or not. He asked you if you were wanting to move on. That was the moment you realized that it was time.
Junhui stared at you with an unreadable look after clearly overhearing your admission to Seungcheol about choosing to accept Soonyoung's proposal. You smiled at him, waved and left.
To say Soonyoung was elated at your acceptance was an understatement. He swooped you in and spun you around as he giggled in glee. His smile that stretched from ear to ear took a few moments to settle back to a soft and reassuring one. He held both of your hands and stared at them as he re-explained that he was going to work hard but also be patient. He was going to show you the kindness and attention you deserved but he would never push you. He understood that you were still moving on and asked you to always be open and honest with him. To tell him if he was moving too fast. You told him that you were sorry you weren't at the same space he was emotionally; he told you it was okay - that it was his burden since he didn't want to wait.
Soonyoung was incredible. He knew how to make someone feel like they were the utmost perfect being in existence. He would send messages every morning with a beautiful compliment to wish you well. His words were always so heartfelt and earnest. You would get random video calls throughout the day from whenever he could sneak away just because he wanted to see you. They were working on their next album, so their time was limited but Soonyoung never let that be a barrier. His passion was so strong, so intimidating. You didn't hate it but you also didn't know how to lean into it. You were caught off guard when he called you late at night on your day off to meet up at a nearby park. He had snuck away for a moment from the group. He told you how he hated that they were so busy because grabbing meals with you was too hard to schedule at the time. He was able to get by because he'd see you here and there at the company but hated how he couldn't see you at all on your days off. He had to see you. He couldn't wait another day to see you in passing. He asked to hug you, which you accepted anxiously. His embrace was comforting and you shivered as the cold smacked you when he pulled away slightly. Confused, you were unable to brace yourself when he suddenly leaned in. You were shocked when you felt the sudden contact on your lips and even more surprised as the warmth disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. He offered you a shy smile as you continued to stare at him blankly.
The first kiss you shared with Soonyoung had made the relationship a bit awkward. Soonyoung was under the impression that you hated it based on your reaction. You were feeling guilty for not having returned the gesture. You questioned yourself for the next couple of weeks whether you should have given more; had wanted more. You both talked it out over the phone and you could hear him regain some of his confidence, having worried he crossed the line with you; you questioned yourself if you wanted him to cross it again.
You went on your first official date with Soonyoung about a month and a half into dating. You both enjoyed your time, making jokes and catching up. Soonyoung knew how to make outings fun. He was easy to talk to and so very funny. It felt like when you would hang out as friends, but this time he held your hand any chance he could. Holding hands didn't bother you. If anything, it was comforting. At the end of the date, he stared at you longingly. It was clear to you what he was going to ask. You needed an answer too. You took the lead and leaned in first, but got nervous and slightly shifted, placing a kiss on his cheek. He didn't push. He smiled softly, wished you a goodnight and left.
Internal chaos ensued as you questioned your feelings. To find a person so loving, patient, and giving was rare. There was nothing to not like in return, but you just could not figure out why. Why were you unable to lean in fully? Soonyoung's heart was so pure. The last thing you wanted was to hurt it, but what if you couldn't give him yourself in return? What if you weren't going to be ready for a long time? How long was it okay to string him along? Were your feelings for the other really that strong? You were completely unsettled and lost. More than that, you were afraid.
Soonyoung had invited you to lunch like he used to with the guys a couple of times. It seemed that their schedules were still busy but a bit more predictable and routine around the 2 month mark. He wanted to go out with you again but the timing was difficult. You wanted to give more effort like he had been giving to you, so you offered to make him a meal at your place. He had come over to find you, face burning red, with a box of take out. You admitted that the lid popped off the salt shaker when you poured it in and ruined the meal. He laughed as he found the whole experience endearing and you both ate the take out as you watched a movie. He held your hand, wrapped his arm around your shoulder, and at one point laid his head on your lap. Other than blushing, you felt no resistance toward his affection. He had to leave shortly after the movie ended. When the credits began, he looked you straight in the eyes, as if searching for any sign of rejection. This time not only did you not flake out but you returned the pressure on his lips. His body had visibly relaxed. He took advantage of the mood and stole 3 more kisses before he left.
The last date had made him bold. Soonyoung openly talked to you when you crossed paths at the company, stealing a few touches when no other staff were near, not caring if his members were around. You worried he'd get in huge trouble, but he said he didn't care. He didn't steal glances at you, he loudly greeted and waved at you. He even pulled you into the stairwell for a quick makeout. He apologized for his sudden greed. He explained how he wanted more of you and that waiting for the next date was too painful. You scolded him still and forced him to restrain himself before he gave you one final passionate kiss.
Almost 3 months into dating Soonyoung and you thought you were moving on. You two had a few dates, hung out like before for lunch, talked openly at the company (which apparently the more open you are the less likely people thought it was romantic), and daily messages with almost daily calls. You thought you were fine. You'd finally returned his affection with hand holding and kissing becoming an acceptable form of intimacy for you. You weren't overly confident in your feelings but it was still early in the relationship. You really believed you were fine until Junhui approached you at the company. He had asked you if you'd join him for lunch on the roof. You knew Soonyoung wouldn't be able to meet for lunch and you knew you didn't need to ask permission but you texted him anyway. He told you he trusted you and maybe it would be good to get some closure. So you agreed to meet Junhui. You sat awkwardly at a bench and averted your gaze as he came and sat next to you. He greeted you calmly, which was not what you were used to from him. In fact, it was eerie. You greeted back and asked how he had been. He spoke to you honestly that he was exhausted. That work had been busy and he needed a moment to get away.
Your anxiety had started to overwhelm you and you couldn't bear it. You caved and asked him why he even wanted to meet with you after so long. Granted, he did continue with the surface level text messages but they were so few and far between. He turned to you and his face was sullen. You weren't sure what to assume, but the exhaustion was evident. Sadness was visible, but you weren't sure if it was okay to assume he was sad. You didn't know how difficult work must've been since Soonyoung continuously showed you his brightness while Junhui was heavily clouded. He explained that he was overwhelmed with many different situations and that he always felt at ease talking to you. That you were easy to talk to and that everything always spilled out with you. That he knew it was selfish considering that it could cause issues for you with Soonyoung, but he just needed the friend he had before for a moment, even if he couldn't tell you everything like he wanted to. You told him how you didn't mind still being that friend for him, unable to resist telling him that you never chose to stop being that friend in the first place. You encouraged him to reach out if he needed to vent like before.
He thanked you, ignored the comment of you insinuating he damaged the relationship, and said he would try not to bug you often. He didn't want to cause issues with Soonyoung. He admitted that he knew you two were a bit serious having walked in on you in the stairwell.
Soonyoung called you that night to make sure you were okay. You weren't. You were angry again but you told Soonyoung you were fine. He didn't believe you but he accepted your lie as he decided to give you some time to process. You told him what happened but didn't tell him your true thoughts or feelings. You could see the worry in his face through your screen, but you didn't want to hurt him. The truth was you had not moved on yet. You were angry at Junhui because you were still hurt. You wanted answers. You were concerned for him and more than anything you wanted to be there for him. He was so close yet so far. Having sat near him for once in who knows how long was devastating. You missed the days at the Chinese restaurant. You missed the friend you had made. The feelings had never disappeared and that's when you knew you couldn't keep going. The distance had made you think you were moving forward but you were still on square one and never budged. 3 months of dating and you knew it was time. 3 months sounded like such little time, but it was too long for someone's emotions.
You called Soonyoung to ask him if you guys could talk in person. Your heart broke as you saw the fear on his face through your phone screen. He said he'd go over as soon as he could and showed up at your door late that evening. You welcomed him in but his eyes were glossy and yours unknowingly had started to stream slowly. He shut the door and wrapped his arms around you tightly. He whispered that he didn't want you to say what he thought you were going to say, still refusing to loosen his grip. You slid your hand into his hair and whispered a light "I'm sorry" into his ear. You both cried as you rocked back and forth unwilling to let go of each other; afraid of the shatter when you pull away. He whispered once he settled a bit, "it's okay. Thank you for trying with me. I was happy." You cried again and told him how you couldn't bear to hurt him any longer. How you wish it was him. That he was absolutely amazing and that you loved him but hated yourself that you couldn't fall in love. He pulled away slightly and you mutually clashed lips. Passionately and urgently as in one final attempt to make a spark light between you. Hands grasped and pulled at each other desperately but his hand suddenly rested on your lower back as the other cupped your cheek. He smiled the soft, reassuring, kind smile he always gave you, the one you felt you never deserved, as he leaned in for one final kiss. "I love you," he whispered as he hugged you once more and left.
Soonyoung didn't answer your messages or calls for the next few days. You may have been the one to end things but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you too. You took a few days off as well afraid to run into him and since he wasn't responding you decided it would be the only way to give him some space. He couldn't take time off like you could and you needed time to cry. It also came as no surprise when Seungcheol texted you asking what happened but was a surprise when you got a message from Jihoon. You knew he was the closest to Soonyoung and he was clearly worried. You told them both what happened separately and apologized profusely. Jihoon told you not to worry about it. That his "idiot" friend knew what he was doing and that he'd keep an eye on him. Seungcheol called you to scold you for the whole mess, but then told you that you tried your best and that you should be proud of yourself for that. He also thanked you for putting Soonyoung's feelings first and ended it as soon as you realized that it wasn't going anywhere. Soonyoung knew what he was getting into and that he would be okay. He told you to take care of yourself and that even though you two weren't close, that he didn't mind being a listening ear. You ended up crying for a bit with him on the line and he soothingly told you it was okay and that you did well.
You didn't realize how much time had passed until your supervisor threw you a surprise celebratory party for your one year anniversary with the company. You weren't feeling very festive since it had only been a little shy of a month since your break up with Soonyoung. He still waved at you when he saw you but didn't reply to your messages nor talked to you in person. You knew he just needed space but it destroyed you every day to not have him either. You lost Junhui and now you lost Soonyoung. You were honestly surprised you didn't leave the company all together since seeing them was hard. The staff all made the effort to tell you congratulations along with most of the SVT members. Soonyoung sent you a quick message and waved at you from afar.
Junhui approached you during a quick break to ask if he could talk to you later. You were exhausted but agreed nonetheless. You were worried he was stressed again and didn't want to ignore him. You met up after your shift on the roof again. You were too emotionally exhausted to feel any of the jitters like before. He sat next to you and gave you a long box. You looked up at him confused and he cheerfully told you congratulations. He never forgot when your first day was since he did connect you in the first place and was happy you were still there. He urged you to open the gift to find a beautiful set of chopsticks. He explained how it felt fitting considering how you two met. You thanked him with the best smile you could give.
Junhui asked you if you were okay and you lied saying you were fine just a bit tired from work. He straight forwardly called out your lie and told you that it was okay if you didn't want to talk to him about it. You lost your cool suddenly and snapped. You told him how you did want to tell him about it. How he was also the easiest person for you to talk to. How he also made you feel at ease, but that you couldn't because he disappeared on you with no explanation. You told him how you found someone else to trust after he left you and how now that person was gone too. You didn't realize you were crying. You covered your face with your hands and tried to calm yourself.
You suddenly felt arms wrapped around you and warmth covering your body. Junhui didn't say a thing but you felt his lips land on the top of your head briefly. He held you until your breathing evened out and you gently pulled at his arms. He let you go. You apologized and thanked him for letting you cry. You grabbed your things and dashed away without giving him the chance to say anything.
Junhui had messaged you and you gave him surface responses. You were scared to let him in when you knew it was best to let him go. Even if your heart wanted to rush to him, you knew he would never return your feelings and you still needed to heal from Soonyoung. Another month passed with check ins from Junhui and finally a response from Soonyoung. You noticed things were tense with the group but assumed it was since they were nearing promotions for their album. After a bit more time, Soonyoung finally talked to you in person again, which you sincerely appreciated and saw that the other members looked a bit relieved. He asked you if you would join them for lunch before their schedules got too crazy and you said of course. Before you left, you saw Junhui and noticed his cheek was swollen. You tried asking him about it but he didn't respond.
With promotions in full swing, everyone was super busy ensuring everything was going according to plan. You hardly saw the members since they were in constant interviews, music shows, filmings, etc. You missed seeing them around but texted them cheering words wishing them much success. You saw the members come in by units after promotions ended and noticed tension in the performance team. You overheard Soonyoung saying something to Junhui in the hallway and saw Myungho grab Seungcheol as the 5 of them headed into a practice room. You felt unease in your stomach.
That evening you were startled when someone was at your door. You opened it to find Junhui out of breath, pushing his way in slightly to shut the door behind him. He pulled you in an embrace so tight you immediately hugged back worried something really bad happened. You asked in a panic if he was okay, if he was hurt anywhere, and what was wrong. He didn't respond which only made you even more concerned. He broke the embrace, keeping one hand on your waist as he brought the other to your cheek. You desperately tried to read his expression searching for any sign on his face that would give you even a clue to what was going on. He leaned in a bit placing his forehead on yours. You weren't sure but his expression said he wanted to close the gap between you and you didn't understand how that would be right. About a year of drifting and becoming strangers. Yet, his eyes screamed of desire for connection and you couldn't deny the desire you'd been holding back for a year and a half. You simply closed your eyes and felt him shift as his lips connected with yours. You unexpectedly sighed in relief, which he took as a sign for more as he pushed into you and simultaneously pulled you into him. You broke for a brief moment to breathe before you slammed into each other again and again and again. By kiss number 5 you realized your face felt a bit damp and his kisses became softer until he eventually placed both hands on your cheeks and pecked your lips. He placed his forehead back on yours and said he knew you had lots of questions. He said he was ready to answer them all; to tell you everything he'd been wanting to tell you for months.
Junhui led you to the couch where he sat first. He pulled you onto his lap and gently pushed your head to his chest. He wrapped one arm around you and the other he ran up and down your arm soothingly. He could see that you were numb, so he took the lead in starting the conversation.
"I've missed you so so much."
His words infuriated you but you had no strength to say a thing.
"The other day you were mad at me for disappearing on you and it made me so sad to know I hurt you. I didn't... I didn't want to do that to you. I really didn't. I missed not talking to you everyday. I hated not being able to message you... the truth is that... Well, I dated someone. I think you figured that out. I didn't want to. I knew I had feelings for someone else so to date this girl just didn't feel right. But she was the daughter of a CEO who promised us some great connections if I went out with her. Apparently, she really liked me and I couldn't say no to something that was going to benefit all the members. It felt selfish for me to say no. It wasn't just about me. They always come first... so we dated. We got some great opportunities and I pulled away from you. She didn't like me talking to you and eventually I got her to understand that her feelings for me weren't real. We mutually broke up and she didn't take back what her father gave us."
You were at a complete loss. Unsure of what to say or do, which he took as a sign to continue. "By the time we broke up, you and Soonyoung were dating and I knew it wasn't my place to reach out to you. Once you two broke up I wanted to help you but I could tell you wanted space. When you yelled at me on the roof I wanted to be back in your life. So I went to talk to Soonyoung. Things were already tense since he kept pushing me away and glaring at me. I knew I couldn't just come back into your life and be ok with just being your friend so I had to clear things up with him. When I told him the truth, he punched me. He was furious that I put the team over my feelings and that because of me his heart was broken. I got chewed out by the entire team but they were happy Soonyoung and I talked. Promotions were tense between him and me since he was mad but once we finished up he yelled at me again. We saw you when we walked in and he questioned why the hell I hadn't gone for you yet. He yelled that I should've ran to you and told you the truth. What was I waiting for? And so it hit me and as soon as I could I ran here."
Junhui rested his chin on the top of your head and sighed deeply. "Now, we're here. I don't know what you're thinking or how you feel but I'm ready to hear your thoughts or let you yell at me or whatever you need."
You still didn't look at him but you told him that that was a lot to take in and you didn't know how you felt.
You could feel him fidget and you felt him place a hand on your cheek once more. "I'm sorry. That was a lot and I really made a mess of things. But I need to tell you one more thing.
Your anxiety shot up when you thought it couldn't go any higher. What more could he say? But his face did not have an ounce of insincerity.
He breathed in strongly, "I really like you. Maybe even more than that. From the day we met I always looked forward to seeing you again. I used a pastry as an excuse to get your number and keep meeting you. I told you everything. Things I couldn't tell my families. I wanted you to work here so I could see you all the time. I was excited to ask you out. Maybe I'm wrong but I felt that maybe you liked me too and it felt right with you. It's always been you. And when I couldn't follow what I truly wanted it drove me crazy and ... I'm sorry for hurting you for so long. The worst part of it all is that I hurt you. But... I want you. More than anything. I've always wanted you."
You finally looked up to find him crying quietly. You looked him in the eye now, placing your hands on either side of his face. "I've always liked you... even when I tried to move on I couldn't. I wanted you... I still want you... but... but I don't know..."
Junhui grabbed onto your arms and kissed you once more. He knew there was more to discuss, but Seungcheol called that he had to return to the dorm asap or the manager would notice he was gone. He promised he'd make time to talk to you soon. To really sort everything out.