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There is an unspoken feeling one gets when they feel like their relationship is about to come to an end, a gut wrenching, pit at the bottom of your stomach, heart breaking feeling that eats away at you for the days leading up to the breakup. And yet, when said breakup happens -- the feeling does not get easier to deal with, in fact, it intensifies. That ¨I KNEW IT¨ moment slaps you clean across the face, stinging for hours to come after said break up happens.
Such was the case with Satoru, the words ¨let´s just end things here¨ came from Suguru's mouth, the words rang in his ear as he clenched the phone tightly in his hand, almost snapping it in half.
¨What?¨ He managed to choke out, falling onto his bed, sitting there as the wall in front of him became blurry. He could feel his heart physically breaking, tearing into small pieces as he swallowed the growing lump in his throat, Suguru's words becoming muffled as he struggled to breathe.
He knew this would happen, he knew, and yet he allowed himself to indulge in the idea that it was just his brain making things up (per usual.) He snapped out of his trance when Suguru spoke again, ¨we can still be friends, I still care for you a lot, and hold so much love for you.¨
¨Friends...¨ Saroru repeats softly, the first few tears finally falling from his eyes, staining his cheeks. He allowed himself to slowly loosen the grip on his phone, so loose that it almost slipped from his hands. There was a silence that followed, it sounded like Suguru was taking a deep breath in on the other line, a shaky one, indicating he too had been crying -- or so he hoped.
¨You know, friends.. Like we used to be.¨ Suguru replies, his tone soft, like he was speaking to a small child and that irked Satoru to his very core, making his fist clench tightly at his side.
¨I don´t want to be fucking friends!¨ he yells into the phone, unaware of how harsh his tone sounded. He closed his eyes, wanting this to be some sort of cruel prank -- but when Suguru didn't reply back, cracking some sort of stupid joke, he knew this was his new reality. ¨I don´t want to be friends..¨ He repeats, quieter this time, his voice cracking just the smallest amount, enough to make Suguru want to take his words back -- but he doesn´t, instead he doubles down, going on a long rant about the many ways their relationship is failing and how he doesn't see how this could possibly work in the long run.
¨What do I need to do?¨ Satoru asks, his voice angry and shaking.
-- ¨What?¨
¨What do I need to do to make you stay, I´ll do anything.. I - I´ll be anything.¨ he pleads, the anger simmered away with each passing word. ¨Please, just tell me..¨
There is another silence on the end of the line, a long uncomfortable one.
¨Please don´t do this..¨ Suguru whispered.
A wave of shame crashed over Satoru, feeling humiliated at begging to be loved by the one he loves most. Most people would accept this as the outcome, that love simply was not enough to save their relationship -- but he couldn't. Sure, you can love the fuck out of someone, love them to bits and pieces, but that did not always mean that those bits and pieces would stay with you.
¨Please..¨ Satoru begged, he swallowed the lump in his throat again, feeling it get bigger as time passed. ¨Please just tell me what I need to do…¨
There was a sharp exhale coming from the other line, frustration maybe?
¨There is nothing you can do, Satoru.¨
The words spoken made it feel like Satoru´s world came crashing down, his entire soul crushed just like that. He stayed silent, his jaw hung just the smallest amount as the phone fell to the ground. He didn't bother picking it up, letting Suguru´s ´hello? Are you still there?´s ring in the air as he laid in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
His whole body went numb, tingling with the words of their breakup. This was it, the first and only good thing to ever come out of Satoru´s miserable life that ended just like that. He felt the pain in chest grow, knowing that he may as well get used to that pain as it will be there permanently, a reminder of the Suguru shaped hole that now existed in his heart.
He closed his eyes, recalling how just a few days ago they were talking about marriage, about who they would invite, what their ceremony would look like, where they would take their honeymoon. He allowed himself to relish in that memory, it felt like rays of sunshine against his skin as he remembered how simple things used to be.
Loving someone, in itself, is not a simple task -- but Satoru felt he was so good at loving Suguru; it felt like it was his life's purpose, to find him and just love him. That is how easy it was to love him, even now with the break up so fresh and his mind screaming at him to hate Suguru for leaving him so easily, he is still full of love just for him.
He let out a breath, frowning as he tried to pinpoint the exact moment in which Suguru had changed his mind about them. He had felt this gut feeling a few days ago, when he noticed Suguru took longer to reply back to his texts, even going days without talking to him at all. As much as he thought about what it could have possibly been to cause this shift, he came out empty. It felt like a 180 from what their relationship used to be, and that in itself was worse.
He recalled the sparks that initiated the moment they met, instantly clicking as if they had known each other in a previous life. Those around them joked that they were soulmates, given how quickly they became friends and how quickly their romantic relationship blossomed -- it was all fast and yet so natural. Maybe that was the issue, their honeymoon phase came to a rapid and abrupt halt. This is his fault for allowing himself to delve headfirst into a brand new relationship with no safety plan intact for what would happen in the off chance that delving in was not the right choice.
And there he went, allowing himself to find reasons to blame himself instead of Suguru for breaking up with him. Maybe it was the pure desire to keep Suguru´s image clean, to not taint it with any hatred. He wanted to remember him the way he had mainly known him: kind, caring, and in love with him. It was selfish in a way, to want to remember Suguru as this instead of the cruel way he had broken up with him just now, but there was no use in trying to hate the love of his life.
As he allowed himself to dwell in the rawness of their breakup, there was a knock at the door. Saroru did not move, hoping whoever was out there would take the hint and just go away. But the knocking didn´t stop, in fact it was followed by a familiar voice. ¨Hey, Toru, just let me know you're okay and I will leave, yeah?¨ Suguru called out from the other side, making Satoru´s blood run cold. He immediately leaps from his spot in the bed, running towards the door like a loyal dog who has been waiting for their owner to come back home.
But just as he reached for the door, he was reminded of the breakup, and it dawned upon him that this may be the last time he hears Suguru´s voice, sees his face.. He stayed quiet, allowing Suguru to speak, ¨listen, I'm just worried about you.. I didn't intend for the breakup to affect you so much, I just..¨ He paused, ¨I mean, look at us.. We have not been working out for a while, you know this, I know this, those around us know this..¨
Satoru stayed quiet, he did know this, but just because he had acknowledged it did not mean he wanted to accept this cruel reality. He held his breath, resting his head against the door wondering if Suguru was doing the same. ¨Please just tell me you are okay..¨ Suguru pleads on the other side, his own head resting against the other side of the door. He felt terrible for breaking up with Satoru, but in reality this was for the best -- to end things early when they are not working out well rather than to drag along a dying relationship.
¨And if I´m not okay?¨ Satoru asked, his voice shaky.
Suguru took a small breath, pulling away from the door just a bit, ¨What can I do to make things more okay for you?¨
¨Don´t break up with me..¨ Satoru whispered, he knew it was a long shot but in his head it was worth the try. He braced himself for the answer that would come out of Suguru´s mouth, knowing that it would hurt even more than the initial break up.
¨I´m sorry, I can´t..¨
Satoru closes his eyes, resisting the urge to slam his head against the door just to prove to Suguru just how much this actually hurts. But he doesn´t, instead, he opens the door, his bright blue eyes meeting the other boy´s solemn brown ones, they were puffy -- indicating he had been crying as well.
¨Why not?¨ he demands, his fists clenching at his sides as he stares at the boy he loves most, breaking his heart.
¨You know why, this isn't working..¨ Suguru replied, slightly taken aback at Satoru´s sudden burst of anger.
¨Tell me what isn´t working and I can fix it!¨ Satoru exclaims, tears welling in his eyes again.
¨Toru..¨ Suguru replies softly, taking a small step forward.
¨Don´t call me that.¨ Satoru snarls, his tears spilling from his eyes, ¨Don´t call me that unless you plan on staying.¨
Suguru nods, clearing his throat -- ¨We both know that this isn´t working, Satoru..¨
Satoru stayed silent, wiping the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He knew Suguru had a point, he knew it, but the selfish part of him that wanted to keep Suguru to himself refused to accept this and insisted on lashing out, demanding answers, begging for him to stay somewhere he did not want to be at (with him.)
¨I just wanted.. I needed to make sure you were okay, you went all quiet on the phone call..¨ Suguru continues, taking another step forward.
¨How am I supposed to be okay when the love of my life broke up with me?¨ Satoru whimpers softly-- he wanted to be angry, to lash out on Suguru, to punch him and tell him to go to hell; but all he could do is stand there, like an idiot, waiting for this to be a prank.
¨I´m losing the love of my life too.¨ Suguru whispers, taking the final step forward, now standing a mere few inches away from his former lover. He brings his hand up to Satoru´s cheek, caressing it gently with his thumb, wiping away a singular tear.
And Satoru? He closes his eyes, leaning into the familiar touch. ¨We don't have to lose each other..¨
At Suguru´s silence, Satoru prayed that he was changing Suguru´s mind, even if it was a tiny little bit.
¨I think we do..¨ he finally replies, his breath shaky as he admires the way that Satoru´s face fits perfectly into his hand. He would miss this, miss him.
¨Please don't do this.. To me, to us.¨ Satoru pleads once more, his eyes opening, he stares directly at Suguru, memorizing his features. ¨I love you.¨ He adds, his fists unclenching at his sides . suddenly pulling Suguru into an unexpected hug.
Suguru, limp, allows himself to be pulled in, feeling his body press against Satoru´s for what will probably be the last time in a long time, or ever. He breathes in the white haired boy´s scent, closing his eyes and remembering fondly all the happy moments they had shared over the course of the months their relationship took place. In this moment, he wished so badly he could change the outcome of this all, but deep down he knew that with the way things were right now -- their relationship did not stand a chance.
¨I love you.¨ Suguru whispers back, allowing himself to be held for just a bit longer before he pulls away. ¨But, right now, us breaking up is for the best.¨ He adds, his own eyes filling with tears.
¨No, it´s not.¨ Satoru argues back, ¨It isn't, it can´t be. There is not a universe in which us breaking up is for the better, not even this one.¨
¨It is, and maybe you can't see that right this second, but you will. There is no fixing us, not right now. I love you and I am letting you go, okay? I love you too much to make you suffer with me, to drag you down with me, so please just.. Let me go, Toru, please.¨ Suguru whispers softly, his hands running up Satoru´s arms, stopping at his face, cupping it gently.
Satoru shakes his head at the other one´s words, ¨I can´t.¨
¨You can.¨ Suguru reassures him, his voice laced with nothing but love. ¨You are the strongest person that I know.¨
¨How?¨
Suguru takes a breath, ¨I´m going to walk away now, and you won´t follow me.¨
Satoru stayed quiet, the realization that there was nothing he could do to change Suguru´s mind finally sinking in. He simply nodded, respecting Suguru´s wish.
¨I love you, I´m sorry.¨ Suguru whispered, planting a soft kiss onto Satoru´s half opened lips.
Saroru dropped his grip on Suguru, allowing him to pull away and walk out of his life. In this moment, Satroru accepted he had tried his best to force Suguru to stay, but Suguru was not one to stay, not when things got rough. He watched as Suguru walked further and further from him, the urge to run after him and hold onto him tightly taking over his body, but yet his feet stayed in place.
Sometimes, to love someone is to respect their wishes to be left alone, even if it hurts you in the process. That is love afterall, is it not? To fulfill someone else's desires over your own. Once Suguru was fully out of sight, Gojo touched his lips, whispering something that even he could barely hear.
fin