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If someone were to ask him, Dick would say he didn’t have much regrets when it came to his friends. He wasn’t the best friend to all of them, but he was trying and he was doing whatever he could to at least be a good one.
Except when nights during patrol were slow and quiet, the thought that he wasn’t good enough for the friend he cared about the most crept in. It was those nights that he thought back to their last conversation, their last fight. He allowed himself those small moments to get swallowed by grief and regret, to mourn his best friend and the only person he’s ever loved in a romantic way. To get lost in the cruelty of it all.
Right after that he’d go back to drowning himself in patrols and missions, in being the guy everyone needed him to be. The friend, the leader, the brother and the son people expected him to be.
It was one of those nights again when he got the call. Artemis called, sounding like she had been crying, and told him that Wally was alive. That he was back and breathing, and she kept explaining what happened but he was barely registering any of it, because he thought he’d never hear those words. He thanked her for calling him and said something else he couldn’t remember, but soon he was hanging up with shaky hands. He went back to patrolling the streets, trying to calm his racing mind.
A week after the phone call, it was Wally who showed up at his door. Dick knew the speedster had been reuniting with people, Artemis kept him informed about everything, but he hadn’t made the effort to go see him. He didn’t know if he should, after all they weren’t really on great terms before… Well, before. Other than that, he wasn’t sure if he could face him again after everything that happened. After he took Wally for granted before he was ripped away from him in such an unexpected way.
So imagine his surprise when he heard knocking and went to open the door expecting his food delivery, and instead finding his dead best friend in front of him. He froze, his eyes subtly over him as if he needed to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating the person in front of him.
“Well, that’s awkward” It was Wally who finally broke the silence, never one to be able to stay quiet for long. “I’m glad you didn’t move. I was a bit nervous someone else would open the door, even though Artemis swore up and down you still lived here and… Are you okay?”
“Yeah, great” Dick managed to force out, moving slightly to allow the redhead entrance to his apartment. “I’m totally whelmed” He added, shrugging and closing the door. He was doing his best to act normal and cool, even though he was freaking out inside.
They moved to the living room, Wally’s meaningless rambling going right over Dick’s head. All he could focus on was the knot in his gut and the sudden urge to clean his entire apartment just so he could avoid the entire situation. He had to stop himself from actually doing that, had to remind himself it wouldn’t be normal if he started cleaning all of a sudden.
“Why are you here?” He cut off the rambling suddenly, the steadiness of his voice surprising even himself. His emotions were like a hurricane inside of him and in that moment, he was grateful for all the training he had to stay calm in every situation, despite his personal feelings.
“Well, I’ve been back for a week and I haven't seen you around so I figured I’d just come see you”
“I didn’t think you’d want to see me” The reply came off harsher than he intended and he looked away for a second before looking back. He found himself unable to take his eyes off of Wally, like he couldn’t believe it was actually him. Like it was all just a dream he was about to wake out of. “We weren’t on the best terms the last time we saw each other”
Wally looked caught off guard, like he forgot about that fact. Like it didn’t really matter to him. “I thought we could talk about that”
“So you cornered me in my home without even knowing if I wanted to see you? There’s obviously a reason why I haven’t come to see you”
“For fuck’s sake, Dick!” Wally snapped, his green eyes hardening in irritation. Dick had almost forgotten the exact way they looked when that happened and he was glad to see it just so he could commit that sight to memory. Like suddenly every little thing about Wally needed to be engraved in his “Stop doing that. Stop trying to push me away, I’m so done with letting you do that. We’re talking, whether you like it or not”
Dick scoffed quietly, folding his arms over his chest. “Talking about what, Wally? From where I’m standing, we have nothing to talk about”
He knew Wally was right, that he was trying to push him away but he couldn’t stop himself. It was better to stay away from him rather than give himself hope for something that could never happen.
“Nothing to talk about?” Wally repeated in complete disbelief. “You used to be my best friend, Dick. We used to tell each other everything and then you started pushing me away because, what? I retired?”
“Because we’re not kids anymore, Wally” This time, Dick’s voice was exactly as harsh and cold as he wanted it to be. Because he didn’t have it in himself anymore to stay composed. “Sometimes people grow apart in different directions. You wanted a normal life, fine. But my life will always be this and I don’t plan on changing that. We want two completely different things and sometimes that means leaving people behind”
Silence fell over them for a moment as Wally frowned, his face scrunching in the same way it did when he was just a kid. Dick felt a small but sharp pain in his heart at just how familiar it was to him.
“Are you saying that because I retired I was leaving you behind? That I didn’t want you in my life anymore?” He asked, almost like he was offended. Like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And in some ways, he probably couldn’t because he also believed their friendship was a sure thing in his life.
“I didn’t say that.” Dick protested quietly.
“You didn’t have to say it, I know you. I learned how to read between the lines of your words a long time ago”
He didn’t say anything to that, he didn’t know what he even could say. He wondered if it was always so easy to push Wally away because he really took his presence for granted the entire time they’ve known each other.. Except that he knew it wasn’t, he already lost Wally. He was back, fighting for their friendship like he always did, but he was dead, lost and gone, for months that they would never get back.
He was given Wally back but he wasn’t sure if he was grateful enough for that. All he wanted was to get him back, but he didn’t expect that when it actually happened, it would ruin all he dreamt of when he thought about that moment.
He saw it in Wally’s face when he looked at him. That was it, if he pushed him away again, this time he wouldn’t come back. He wasn’t a guaranteed presence in Dick’s life and he had to stop taking him for granted.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. That you’re right?” The words slipped past his lips before he could stop himself. “That it’s easier to push you away than get left behind? That it was easier to convince myself you didn’t want to see me? That when Artemis called me, my first instinct was to go and make sure that it was you for myself?”
He stopped, but Wally didn’t talk yet. Normally, he would but he knew Dick wasn’t done yet and that he would shut down if he got interrupted.
“That I’d rather make you hate me than face the fact that I’m in love with you but can never have you and that I thought I could never be happy again after you died?”
At those words, they both froze but for completely different reasons.
“What did you just say?” Wally finally broke the silence.
“Nothing”
“No, it wasn’t nothing. You said you’re in love with me”
“No, I didn’t”
“Dick, don’t lie to me. I heard you”
Dick shook his head with a quiet huff. “Then why are you asking? So I can feel even more humiliated?”
Wally shook his head and in the next second, he was standing right in front of Dick.
“No, so I can tell you that I’m in love with you too. Have been since we were kids”
Dick took a step back, as if that could save him from facing what was in front of him. From what he spent years dreaming about.
“What? But Artemis…”
“We broke up when we both realised we had feelings for other people and that we weren’t working”
Dick looked like he was sick and needed to throw up. He swallowed a lump in his throat, shaking his head in confusion.
“Is that why she got with Zatanna so soon after you..?”
“Probably, maybe. It’s actually a longer story and…” Wally trailed off when he realised he was changing the subject and his expression became more determined. “And you should ask her about it because it’s not my place and not the point. The point is, I love you and I would never leave you behind, even if I was retired and you weren’t”
Dick wanted to protest but before he could, he was stopped by Wally’s lips pressed against his. The kiss was slow and full of hesitation that faded as soon as his fingers instinctively tangled in the bright locks. He kissed him back, softly and slowly like he was taking his time trying to take it in and memorise it. Slowly, it became a little bit more heated and desperate, but before he could get lost in it, Wally pulled back.
They didn’t speak for a while, looking into each other’s eyes in silence. Dick’s hands moved to gently cup Wally’s cheeks, like it was only then registering that it was actually real. That it was actually him, alive and breathing, and pressed against him like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was making the knot in his stomach loosen and his muscles relax for the first time in months.
“Please tell me you won’t kick me out right now because that would be really awkward” Wally muttered quietly after what felt like an eternity of silence. Dick let out a wet laugh in response and it was only then that he realised he had tears falling down his cheeks. The redhead wiped them away gently with his thumbs as Dick pressed their foreheads together.
“I never want to take you for granted again, Wally” He admitted quietly, his hands slipping down from his cheeks to his neck. “I want to do it properly. Will you go on a date with me?”
Wally seemed to think it over for a few seconds. “Food, movies and cuddling on the couch? We could even do it now”
Dick laughed in response. It wasn’t what he had in mind but it was definitely way more like them than whatever he could come up with. It also seemed like the perfect way to get used to whatever it was they had after everything that’s happened between them.
“It’s a date” He agreed with a smile.