Work Text:
The sun slowly settles, painting the sky in bright orange and light pink. The trees are at their most beautiful period – the leaves are coloured dark green as the flowers' scent fills the air. His place looks dark even from the outside, but he can't care less.
The house is not small, not it's big, but it can get dusty a lot at summer time and Levi despises it.
He enters the room, his bedroom
He's been avoiding cleaning up his own wardrobe for a long time and now that everything is over he might as well throw away some things he doesn't need anymore. He doesn't bother locking the door as he enters the place, walking up to open the windows around the house.
Levi tightens the cravat on his head, sighs just a little bit quieter than he usually would and gets to work.
In one of his white shirts he recognises the shirt he wore a lot about two years ago. He was just recovering from the blow up Zeck caused by being even dumber than before. The same he almost died, but was saved by Hange, who was held as a hostage, but still risked it all to save him. It's still stained with his own blood. He never brought himself to clean it up, delaying the process every time he layed his eyes on it. Maybe this time... He grabs it from the hanger without a second thought.
It looks awful, feels awfully messy under his fingertips. He looks it over, sliding his hands up and down the shirt. He feels something rough underneath the thin material in a place where the only pocket of the shirt is placed and freezes for some seconds. He reaches out to the chest pocket to pull a paper sheet out of it. It's slightly yellow and really thin. With a bunch of new technologies that have been opened to Paradise since five years ago it's weird that the paper looks like the one they'd always had. Which could only mean the paper was rather old.
He unfolds it and finds another paper sheet, smaller than the one it was folded into. Without a second of hesitation he puts away the smaller and focuses on the main one. He takes in the cursive letters and breathes in. Hange's handwriting looks way too similar.
"Hi, Levi.
It's been some time since we've arrived here. Cleaning wounds and bandaging them while you breathe heavily sucks if I am to be honest. But you're here, so.
I haven't imagined finding you like that. Wrecked and deeply hurt by Zeke. Nor did I imagine stuck here without a possibility of coming back safely. Honestly, I would love to keep on living like that. I even found some paper sheets and a flat stone to write the letter on.
I know I'll eventuality die. It's not my decision, not entirely, just a stupid dream to be for once useful. Hell, I already can imagine you scoffing at my words. I know it won't be over for me even if I get through everything alive. I don't think it will be over for me at all. Thus I've made peace with my death a long time ago, hell, as sick as it sounds I wait for it, have been for a while, it's just that I am bothered by something.
Sorry to make you read such a long letter, but the thing that bothers me concerns to you too. And if I'm being honest it's mostly about you. I know you hate it when I lie and see right through me, but I can't bring myself to tell you this. It's just...
You and I have been going through a lot of things lately, haven't we?
Since I started writing letter I might as well get to the point of the letter. It sort of felt awkward talking about it to you, but I figured it will be better on the paper. It is.
I've kept wondering for a while how our daughter would look like– what would she be like?
These thoughts are not regular and neither they're intentional. They're nothing special and hadn't even existed anywhere outside of my head before I started writing this.
I've never even dreamed about becoming a mother, hell."
Then, there is some empty space. Her handwriting is steadier and a bit more straight than before.
"Would she look like that Gabi brat?
(gosh, seems you really did inject me with your "brat" illness. I like it that way. You sound cuter when you say it though.)
I don't think so. She may have my hair colour, but her face shape and nose aren't fitting. And her attitude hardly reminds me of you. Hell, now I can't believe I even thought of that."
The following paragraphs has smaller letters, written in rush as if in addition.
"Oops, I forgot you haven't met Gabi yet. Too bad she seems like the type to annoy the fuck out of you.
For the record today I noticed that I've felt happier since I first thought about our pathological daughter. These thoughts seem to entertain me a little bit too much for my liking. This sounds ridiculous though."
It seems that some days passed before she continued. The letters are bigger and sloppier.
"Falling asleep is harder and harder even though I get less of sleep every night. Your snorts don't really help and I know you read this months after, Levi, so know it – you do snore so loud, I think anyone sleeping in the same place with you would notice. Don't ever try to deny it.
I know you feel it too. The pressure of death hovering over me. I've known about it and been ready for a while now. It's coming for me so you can rest now and not be such a mean short person for a change.
And sometimes at night when I stay up late you think your awake state is unnoticed by my eye, lay on your side, facing away from me me, but I can still hear your breath unsteady with all the pained short pants you let out.
Oh, when did I start using it as some sort of diary?"
The writings end rather drastically and then start again neat and quite restrained.
"Today I observed you. Not the way I observe the titans, but you noticed anyway. Of course you would (read with a scoff).
Your nose shape is drastically different from mine. It's only expectant since it's not like we're related or something. But I keep wondering what would the baby's nose be shaped like."
Something slightly changes, but Levi can tell it's been some time since the last paragraph by the way the ink is brighter than before.
"I think I would call her Jane.
I have no particular reason for that – I thought of it while cleaning up by your order – it's a pretty name and it feels right to mutter it at nights when I can't sleep. Moreover I'm sure you would love it too.
Also I'm sorry for freaking you out today. You might thought I got paralyzed and didn't hear you, but I was just observing you a bit too focused so I really didn't notice how much time passed. My bad.
I noticed that your lips aren't that thin as I always thought of them before. I had to take them in from different angles and still was surprised to see how surprisingly plumpy they are even when we both barely eat. You might think I'm crazy by the way I stare at your lips for almost a week now, but I'm afraid I can't be crazier in your eyes than I am already.
I think Jane would have your lips. Hell, I can already imagine how she'd pout at you when you wouldn't allow her to go to capture titans. Yeah, she'd definitely love studying them. (I can hear you laugh, shortie.)
We're gonna be getting away from here soon. You're becoming better and better each day even if it's just slight changes in the way you move and I'm glad, I really am. Though it means we will be parting ways soon. You've always made sure to not let me die so it makes sense if I die without you around. Honestly I'd like it that way."
Then, the paper ends by. Just like that. Levi breaths out, clutching on the paper sheet, late realising there's another one. He rushes to unfold it.
"The letters is more dear to me than I expected it to be. But I like that about it. Today you woke up on me writing it and I guess I was frowning too much so you ouch-ed, looked at me judging and closed your eyes.
It's almost concerning how much I've thought about Jane recently. It's not only her now. I imagine a house somewhere far from Sina. It'd be much quieter there, but at the same time it'd be more alive. How Jane would run around and laugh about everything and nothing in particular like a little child she would be. You would scold her every time she'd try to sneak food in her room or walk inside the house with her shoes on.
I would slowly learn how to cook and you'd bear my at first disgusting food silently. I know you wouldn't say a word. For such a mean shortie you're quite polite when it comes to things like that. You'd wash the dishes and polish the kitchen after every eating, wouldn't you?
Never thought I'd dream about living with a clean freak.
I keep on observing your face once again. Your eyebrows are thin. Mine are too. No doubt little Jane would have thin eyebrows, unless Erwin wouldn't somehow hack our genes from afterlife or something. (you're scoffing aren't you?)"
The paragraphs are followed by an empty space, longer than the ones she left before.
"It only came to me today that you might never find this letter. Would be a shame if it never reaches you. I poured a little bit too much of my feelings here so I will have to get up and search for a good place for it later. Not that there are many choices anyway.
I remember writing here for the first time. It was a "confession" and I was awkward as hell. It's probably awkward to read it too.
We're ready to make a move, to talk to Marley soldiers who are still alive and we need to succeed we need it badly. It's our last chance after all. Though I can't seem to remember how it is to succeed. Living like that with you, dreaming it was us spending the rest of our lifes together and thinking about our unborn daughter. It made me kind of a wreck. Too soft to go outside of this forest and face the reality. I'm not sure if I even remember how it is to fight (I know you just tsk-ed, Levi)."
The blank space is bigger this time and concerned Levi
"Jane would have your nose and my lips. Or the other way around. Her eyes would be shaped just as mine, but light blue, just as yours. Her hair would be straight just like yours. She would be beautiful, as beautiful as the flowers on the grounds titans haven't stepped on. I haven't seen them for a while now. She would be tough, but have her mom's brains.
We would give her everything we'd have, wouldn't we?
I would and I know you would too. That's what kind of person you are, Levi. If you bothered to read until this moment it only proves you're not the same person you're trying to seem.
You don't actually hate it when I'm acting all soft, do you?
I don't think I'll hear the answer from you, but I already know the answer by the way your eye glisten sometimes when you look at me. I smile rather sadly and you seem to notice. I just wished I could fool you better, but you see right through me.
Jane would call you papa. And you'd never be able to hate it. Even if you tried. Her eyes would glisten adorably just like yours.
It's way too soon. I have everything prepared, but I don't want to say goodbye yet. To you and this letter. Even to Jane. Hell, what am I even writing.
Light the paper up if you can do it. Burn it so I leave nothing behind, not something as stupid as thoughts about our unborn daughter. It's something I want you to do, not for me, but for yourself. So you can confidently tell yourself "she died without a single regret" and I would be okay with that.
This is selfish, but at the same time I want you to know I had only one regret. It's that we never got to try in all those years we've worked together. We never got and never will see Jane.
Hell, it's embarrassing just how emotional I got from just writing it down.
But I know you, Levi. You never regret your choices and I don't doubt you and whatever you're gonna choose now. Just make sure not to regret it.
From heart, Hange."
Jane. He thinks for seconds, tasting the name on his tongue. It's soft, so soft, it's everything Hange reminds him of. It reminds him of her quirks, loud laugh and kind smile. The paper is rough and thin and it doesn't seem similar to Hange at all. He snaps out of his state and eyes the letter for a few seconds before folding it and shoving in the pocket of his black pants.
The sun has almost settled by the time he finishes the letter. He steps up to his bed and sits down, staring at the nothingness of the room. His mind is a whirlwind, a dangerous one. Levi sighs and puts his head in his hands.
Another choice. A choice that must cause no regrets.
To live and remember Hange with how she acted: energetic and happy, always excited to see titans, or with how she truly was: fragile and traumatized by all those years she spent as one of the scouts, but nonetheless soft and kind with her fears and dreams.
Levi has to choose the right option and it drives him crazy. His heart slows down as he tries to think straight and serious, but finds himself starving. Starving for that love and care Hange wrote her letter with, for the dreams she kept till her last breath, for that smile on her face, for Hange Zoë. He wants to breathe, tries to, but it comes out as a pant.
The room is unusually cold and dark for this hour. The sky is painted with all shades of orange, pink and blue, just as it was that day. Birds' sounds are vividly heard in thd dusty emptiness of the room.
Levi doesn't notice when he starts to unfold the paper again, rushing unnecessary. His heart is beating unusually fast, as if he's afraid the letter might burn itself in his hands. He reads the letter again, two or three times until his heartbeat slows down and breath steadies.
He finds the right choice in the middle of the letter. Truthfully, a peaceful life in a countryside doesn't sound a bit bad.
Levi stands up, walks up to his nightstand and taps the letter with his fingertip lastly before putting it into one of the drawers. He looks outside and notices the sun completely disappeared beneath the horizon. Her words keep circling around his mind with a slight pain in his chest. He watches the view for something that feels like an eternity and continues with cleaning.
When he falls asleep that night he whispers "Jane", before drifting away.