Chapter Text
The cloud in his vision lifted just enough for him to see how insurmountable his situation really was. He couldn’t just leave. People would look for him and they would always find him. He couldn’t escape. So really, his first idea was better. He didn’t want to write a note because he just wanted everything to end and he didn’t want to drag things out longer than he needed to. He thought about that episode of the Simpsons where Moe had a sign taped to his back that said NO FUNERAL when he shoved his head in an oven. He thought about doing that. He knew Big Head would have gotten the reference, anyway. But he didn’t have the privacy necessary to kill himself in the kitchen.
Over the next three days, Richard sketched out the basics of the platform, just enough so that everyone would know what he wanted and the guys could build on it. He left it in a folder on his desktop.
Erlich had a butcher block of expensive knives in the kitchen that no one had ever used. On the fourth day, Richard took the one meant for slicing fruit and put it in his pants pocket.
There was no use waiting, so he went into the bathroom and locked the door. He took off his clothes except for his underwear and laid the knife on the counter. Slicing his wrists seemed like the least terrifying option, since he had essentially been preparing for it for half his life. It wasn’t the most effective method, but he figured that if he cut deep enough, it would work.
He pictured this moment and he thought he would have been crying. Or that he’d back out at the last second. But he had done everything he had to do and his purpose was fulfilled, so he didn’t have to worry about anything. He was ready. He pressed the knife to his right wrist first, went as deep as he could, and dragged it. He was woozy, but able to do it again. Then he hit his head on the counter and fell on the floor.
**
Dinesh got up to use the bathroom and realized no one had seen Richard in a while. The door was locked. He knocked and told Richard to get out. No answer. He kept knocking.
“Guys, I think something’s wrong,” he said. Erlich kicked the door open, and when Dinesh saw the bathroom, he fainted. He wasn’t good with blood. Gilfoyle dragged him out of the way and into the living room while Erlich and Jared dealt with Richard.
Jared grabbed some towels and he pressed down on Richard’s one arm while Erlich did the other. Erlich had to call 911, since Jared was crying.
“We need an ambulance, my friend just tried to kill himself.”
It was going to be about 10 minutes, which felt too long.
“Little buddy, I had no idea,” Erlich said as he pushed Richard’s hair out of his pale face.
Richard’s eyes fluttered enough for Jared and Erlich to know that he was still alive, but they didn’t know how long that could last. The floor was covered in Richard’s blood, and so were they before long.
“Richard, why didn’t you just leave?” Jared asked between sobs. And then, not even caring that Erlich could hear, “Richard I love you. I love you.”
They rode with him in the ambulance and followed him into his hospital room. He needed blood, and stitches, and when he woke up he groaned and said “I can’t fucking believe this.”
Jared and Erlich had their arms around each other like they were his parents, watching him. They had both been crying.
“Richard?” An unfamiliar voice, a woman. The doctor. “Richard, are you awake now?” He looked over at her. She looked so nice and he hated it.
“Richard, my name is Dr. Spencer. Do you know where you are?” she asked.
“I’m in a fucking hospital, obviously,” he said while looking at the ceiling.
“Yes, you’re in the hospital. Do you know why?” It was like she was rubbing his face in it.
“Because I’m too stupid to die,” he answered.
It was sort of supposed to be funny, in an esoteric way, but no one took it as a joke.
Jared ran over to the bed and put his hand lightly over Richard’s. It felt kind of clandestine, having physical contact with someone in a hospital bed. Richard turned his head but he couldn’t bring his eyes to meet Jared’s face.
“Richard, we’re going to keep you here overnight, okay?” The doctor kept talking to him like he was an idiot and he couldn’t stand it.
“Okay,” he said, hoping his anger registered to her. I fucking hate you, lady, just shut up.
Dr. Spencer ushered Jared and Erlich to the door to talk about Richard. As if going through the open doorway would make him unable to hear them.
“We’re going to place him in our psychiatric ward, I’d guess for at least a week. This has clearly been going on for a while. Did either of you know about the cutting?”
Erlich looked confused. Jared cleared his throat and said, “He just told me last week. Or, he didn’t tell me, but he showed me his scars. He didn’t really talk to me about it. Not really.”
Jared and Erlich shared a glance. Erlich felt a weird jealousy that Jared knew about this but he didn’t, but now just wasn’t the time.
“I can hear you in here,” Richard said. He was being whiny and irritating, but he was dragged back to life in a blatant disregard for his feelings, so he didn’t really give a shit.
Jared looked into the room, wanting to rush to him, but he stayed in the hallway.
“He’s going to have some nerve damage in his hands,” the doctor said.
“Why don’t you tell ME that?” Richard yelled.
The doctor walked back into the room and said, “You’re going to have some nerve damage in your hands. I’m sorry. It won’t be serious.”
“Thank you. God.”
It was weird, but he had this sort of renewed energy. He still wished that he was dead, but this felt like a sort of bachelor party before his real death. He could cut loose. Erlich and Jared walked back into the room and the doctor said that she would come back later and let them stay with Richard alone.
“Ugh, god, I’m sorry, guys,” Richard said. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for other than ‘that you had to be here’. He wasn’t sure if he was sorry for still being alive or not. Fifty-fifty.
“Richard,” Jared said in that soft way he always said his name. He held out his hand for Richard to take, and was surprised when he did.
“You don’t have to apologize, Richard. Except for the mess you left in my bathroom.” Erlich said, and Richard was so, so glad that he made a joke for him. He even smiled weakly.
“Can I get you anything?” Jared asked. Richard asked for a Red Bull and Jared went to find a vending machine.
“Richard, why didn’t you tell anyone?” Erlich asked. Richard was so surprised to hear him speak so seriously that he listened for traces of sarcasm in his voice that he desperately wanted to hear.
“Well, I mean, I wanted to kill myself, Erlich. I can’t be like ‘okay everybody, I’m off to kill myself now, see you later’. You kind of have to keep it quiet,” Richard said. The pain was just now starting to shoot up his arms. He looked down. They were loosely wrapped in gauze, but he could feel the bumps of stitches underneath. It was weird to think about.
“No, I know that. I mean…any of it. That this was going on.”
Richard sighed and said, “I don’t know.”
Jared came back and explained that they didn’t have Red Bull and he was so sorry but he got Richard a Monster instead. Richard took it happily.
Jared looked down at him with a level of love that Richard was just not ready to receive right then. And it reminded him to say, “Oh shit. Guys. Please don’t tell my parents.”
Jared and Erlich nodded.
“In fact like…just don’t tell anybody. I just can’t deal with it right now.”
Jared wanted to explain that he would have to at least tell Monica, since there was a meeting at Raviga that week that Richard would miss, but he just agreed that he wouldn’t.
They looked at each other with nothing to say. It was getting late, but Jared was certainly not a stranger to sleeping in hospital chairs if he needed to. He would stay until he was kicked out, if he needed to.
A male nurse who Richard, weirdly, could only describe as hot came in and said, “Okay, Richard, are you ready to go?”
“I guess I have to be, don’t I?” he said. He was still feeling bitchy.
“All right, come on.” the nurse said, and he helped Richard to get out of the hospital bed even though Richard cut his wrists and not his legs, fucking dick. Erlich and Jared followed and Jared filled out the forms and the nurse at the psych unit told him that he could bring clothes and books and whatever Richard needed tomorrow. And they left. Jared was crying again.
The hot male nurse led Richard to a room. He would be alone, which he was thankful for.
“Okay, dude. You’re on suicide watch and I have to do this, I’m sorry,” the nurse said as he gestured for Richard to take off his hospital gown and started patting him down.
“I’m really sorry, okay?” And the nurse put his hands in Richard’s boxers. Richard let out a strangled noise. The nurse laughed.
“I know. It sucks, man. But we’re done.” And the dude left.
Richard had nothing for anybody to take from him. No shoelaces or anything. He looked around and tried to see if it was feasible for him to hang himself using a bedsheet. But then he’d probably fail at that too and then they’d take his sheets away. So he wouldn’t risk it. So he just sat, alone, until a nurse came in and turned the light out for him. And then he sat alone.