Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It seems that everything goes well in their life. Their parents have white-collar job ,brother is popular, and grades keep shining in other parents’ eyes. They got high points as graduating from middle school so they could enter the ‘best’ class, No.1 school in their small city ,which is filled with the most intelligent students. To other parents, they is adorable, who never ask anything from people,leaving families rest assuredly because of the boarding school. Not perfect, but nice huh? It’s normal to have problems which can be overlooked.

However, they know something wrong, just like his nails have never been intact, and his skin has been torn to pieces of blood which is never changed from his birth. Their life pages are torn and frayed that even themselves couldn’t understand.

“Maybe I’ll never escape from this small city.” They stared at the diary numbly, until the font was distorted and blurred. Recently they felt more and more powerless, and their energy was exhausted as they grew older. The voice reminding how them unsuccessful kept murmuring through ears, which was firstly screamed out by mother, now changes different vocals, gets louder and louder, and becomes noise, noise, noise.

Noisy room, noisy cell mates, they can’t tell why their heart race. They pinched their wrists until their skin looked purple. They only heard someone ask them, "Don't you miss home? You’re always cool with it.”

They smiled, staring the wound, “why not? I miss my brother.”

“I want to have a brother like yours.”

“Yeah…He’s so lovely that I even want to be him!” They joked.

“Don’t be too proud, or I’ll be jealous!” Ray shouted.
“No, if you know I haven’t finish homework, you’ll not.”

“Come on Gerard, you’re too strict to yourself, no one could really finish all of them, including No.1 student! We copied each other’s, try that. Cooperation.”

“Haha, thanx but…”With their backs to their roommates, their voices were descending. Their hearts hit their chests fiercely, pain was being released by tearing nails. The blood gradually spread, and, soaked their fingertips. Nothing aches heavier than that truth— everyone copied, but only them ranked at the bottom of the class. They tried, just thinking of this drove them crazy, he needed a blade.

Nobody pushed them, they began to communicate something else, computer game, football …? Certainly, they never really care what Gerard said. They reached out their knife in school bag, peacefully and quietly, bloody color hit him eyes. A little dizzy and excited…GREAT.

“Gerard Way, your mom told you to call her. Hurry up. We need to turn off the light after 10 minutes, school will strictly check the dormitory discipline at night today.” A teacher pulled the door without asking.

They immediately hid their arm and knife:“okey, I almost forget!”

"His mother called every day..." They pretended not to hear their roommates lower their voice when they closed the door, and not to see hands themselves trembled so much that they almost dropped the handset of the public study room.

“Hey mom? It’s g.”They stammered.

“Are you doing well on studying?”

“Yes, I’m ok.”

“How about your math achievement last week? Your answer is blur.”

“No…”

“What? How low is it?”She interrupted them as soon as possible.

“No! I mean the results will not be issued until tomorrow.”

She was obviously relieved, and the sigh crawled into her ears along the receiver. They felt that their anxiety was almost bursting out.

“Then what about your English test, and have you taken the physics exam?

“Both yes, English is ok, I am in the top five in the class. Physics was a little difficult.”

“Wait, difficult? It’s just your feeling but not others’ right?”

“We all agreed that.” They explained away.

Another sigh.They shivered, regretting not holding the knife in their hands.

“So—you actually mean your grade will be uglier this time.”

“Whatever you think.” Gerard’s voice became stiff.

“I saw a boy on tick tok, who was in your school, too. Do you know him? He looks handsome, How are his grades? His name is…” Their mom began, she would at least last 40 min. Emm, never mind, they thought, let her share. She just cares too much, they could understand.

“No, mom, I didn’t know him.”

“Well, because of your bad memories.”

Um.ok, fine.

“It’s time that turning of light, my roommates have fallen asleep, I should go…” He tried to be sounded not upset.

“Yep, but another thing, do you want a teacher to take extra classes?That’s my friends’ kids are doing.”

“I need to think about it for a while, so could we talk about it tomorrow?” It's not that they don't want to reply to her, but they can't help it. They had to hold the phone with both hands to prevent it from falling. they shivered with cold in the summer study room without air conditioning.

If they needn’t be too serious to grades, then why does they have to bear all this? Painful childhood, parents' forced questions, their uncontrollable thoughts? They returned to the dormitory, and tears flowed out the moment their heads touched the pillow. They wrapped the quilt tightly to block their breathing. Dream was a black hole which bear the memories of how their parents beat them, how was they scared of death when they was younger, how they cried— Cry, they had lost this ability, only could lie with a little tear, feeling it drying out on the face, in the hair, through the air.

They woke up at 5 a.m. in panic and sat up with only 4 hours of sleep. Being used to this, all they could remember was last night’s homework that they thought must be done, or they’ll get worse achievements, then got into an uncool local university…Stop, they thought too much.

The bell didn't ring until 6 o'clock. They changed into school uniforms. When they touched their flat skin and kneecaps, a strange fear gripped them, they suddenly retracted their hands and tried to shake their heads to make themselves sober. When they walked to the study room, they were sure that they didn't wake up anyone.

Public room was the brightest one of Dormitory building where soaked in the sunlight, with smell of morning dust. They was there, safe and alone, wind touched their wrist softly so they could tell the blue blood vessels bulged, the old scars turned white, and the new scars turned red. They were afraid to admit that they liked to watch all this happen. When they wrote down formulas and symbols, their arms were so fragile as if they would be broken by the morning breeze, and the light in the early morning was so soft that they were about to melt in it.

After a little while, their eyes began to flicker. They bit their fingers punishingly and circled the topic information to concentrate their energy. The helpless anger swept through their bodies again, and the exercise book became illusory. They were so angry with themselves.

“Omg! Is someone there?” A strange voice broke their self destructive thoughts , they were shocked and carefully pulled their sleeves to cover the back of their hands.

“Who?” Gerard shifted view to the door which in the dark, a shadow drifting hesitantly answered, nervously and gently.

“It’s Frank, who are you?”

“Gerard.” They sighed, stood up to see the guy clearly, it’s embarrassing to them if they sat but someone stood.“did I make noise troubling you? Sorry.”

“Of course not. I just woke up earlier than before. By the way, your name is special, cool.”

“Um, thank you.” They felt more embarrassed, began to habitually squeeze the scab of the wound, slightly pain helped them in the reality.

“You wanna come? Or I can go…” Gerard tried to continue the dialogue, didn’t know they have to sit down or go away, but the question from the new successfully rolled their eyes: “Sorry but, Are you a vampire? It looks like you didn’t sleep at all.”

“What?”

“Don't misunderstand, I mean, you looked so cool even in the school uniform, and a little pale, sitting at uninhabited room in the early morning.” That schoolmate came closer, so they could see his petite figure and bright eyes, he walked lightly, which made them jealous. Although they always be told they was thin, they felt heavy all the time, couldn't breathe by pressing their head into the water.

“I’d love to wake up early, it’s quiet to finish homework.” They told him as friendly as they could. The other’s charming smile that burned their eyes. They lowered their head, don't want him to see his emotionally unstable tears, wiped it randomly on the notebook, closed the book and held it to the chest.

“Oh, so I disturbed your time? Then I’ll never walk into the study room.”Frank giggled.

“Don’t mind this, it’s public, not my own home,” they spoke quickly, regretting the “quiet” saying, they was too shy to handle a simple small talk…Damn. They messed things up again, “honestly, I’m glad to have someone’s company.”

Why they said that? They didn’t even know what was the truth or lie. Half of them criticized themselves badly so that they changed focus onto the floor.

Thanx god. The waking bell rang. “I need to go back for my bag.” They was satisfied that their voice was drowned in the ringtone, and Frank had to shouted to say “bye”. They ran to the room, grabbed their bag, rushed down the stares. Two math classes, today will be another bad day that they take for granted.

Chapter Text

When the math test paper was thrown on the table, they almost pinched their palms to bleed. They saw the mark, huge and conspicuous, they have made progress. But the little pleasure was soon disfed by anxiety— It must because this time exam’s easy so everyone made ‘progress’, and if they could be more focused, it’ll be better. But shit, they can’t. It’s all their fault. They can’t help being eaten by various emotions which got into their heads, and the spirit of facing fact got thicker and thicker.
“This time you guys all did a good job, still better than other classes’ students …”Their heart suddenly dropped, then all the sentences left couldn’t go through mind anymore, they only knew they still failed but didn’t care how was their class excellent and although their grades were not eye-catching in their class, they did a better job than most of students in their city. They tried to stop the feeling to listen to teacher seriously, but wave of panic invaded their body so quickly that their neck was choked, what all they wanted was slitting their wrist and screaming and running out the classroom and then jumping down. Breathing became hard and heavier, fortunately and of course—no one asked, no one noticed. They buried their heads to cover up their trembling, and the coldness spread from the hand holding the pen to their whole body. Gerard had to admit, they overreacted, they always did. They insisted on using red notes for every step they could hear crazily, it seemed that learning more could save their life. They wanted to cry, but the tear glands had already dried up. The teacher was talking about the 11th solution to a difficult problem, they were writing notes, as if watching hand itself play a sign language movie.

The clock, tick, tick, fellow the beat, they hadn’t told time or space. What they could remember was that voice of the teacher, which was stuttering and passionate stumbled through the fog in their brain, ruining every inch of reason and made them feel a dull pain. As hands’ sweat wet the paper, edge got curly, torn and frayed, like their mind struggles breaking them down. They didn’t know how other schoolmates could stand the life repeating classes and exams, as just weekly and monthly exams pressure totally worn them out. They thought of that little guy named Frank, wanna know if he ever be stressed out by the damn school, this moment, they were jealous of anyone who was able to smile.
Held the breath, suffering every second, they didn’t know what’s the touch of most of “human” feeling, but they knew something called pain was about to explode their body all the time, eventually they couldn’t help themselves but taking the art knife under the desk— some blood cleaned their mind, they burst into… a little laugh. Well, it's just that the pain hasn't faded. The class was finally over and they grabbed their small art knife at the second, going to the bathroom straightly. Calm down, calm down, their heads beat on the cold wall, and the heat of the heartbeat in their throats burned their brains. They bent down and crazily cut irregular cracks on their thighs, and the blood was intertwined. It was not until they stopped panting because of the rapid heartbeat that the pain was more noticeable. They stared at the silver blade obsessively - the blood flowing down was a crying rose.

Take a long breath, go back to study, you’ll be ok.

The fabric of the trousers was soaked little by little and stuck to the legs, which made them feel at ease for a moment. The last class began, nightmare repeated.

Lunch time.

They never liked that. Just thinking about one thousand students crowding each other in a canteen got them sick enough, not to mention that they just had a panic attack and almost slipped off the stool. They kept walking out of the teaching building with their faces tense until Frank broke into their sight again, whose shadow was like a piece of wind.

“Hey, Gerard!” His eyes lighted up, “my friends happened to asked for leave, so… would you like to go canteen… with me?”

“Oh, thanks, but I’m a little tired, maybe next time?” They combed hair back nervously with their fingers, although they knew that they will keep running away and there will never be a next time.

“School sucks,” Frank agreed but raised the eyebrows, “but it’s not a good reason to sleep without eating anything.”

God. Gerard’s face turned pink. Why Frank gave them a so serious reply but not just nodded indifferently? Seeing the boy put his hand deep into his trousers’ pocket, with his man's horns curled into the shape of a unicorn, they suddenly tried answered coldly: “well, then today is an exception.” Of course you didn’t know why I did that, you look so much cuter than me, and I’m just your second option.

They left in hurry, hands shaking still. Kinda strange, they never be mad at other people. Chewing every pronunciation of Frank's speech, they swallowed the guilt bitterly. They hided into the room doing English and Chinese reading questions, and put hair on the face. They were really not in the mood to eat while being used to filling their stomachs with tea to support the eyelids of the fight. Maybe they definitely should apologize, next time.

So, it was going to have the next time, earlier than when they thought. While they was doing physics homework next morning, the familiar silhouette showed up again. Didn’t wait until Gerard could react, he sat down opposite them swaying his legs, and when they happened to crushed each other’s knees, they both quickly shrink back a step, blood filling their faces. Sunrise burnt on skin, temperature was like a wisp of light smoke, which loosened the atmosphere a little.

“I’m sorry…” Gerard murmured, but Frank interrupted them.

“It’s me who ought to apologize, I didn’t mind your emotions that time and kept pushing you to spend time with me, ugh, I’m really really sorry.”

“No problem,” with voice flicker, they looked at their fingertips, narrowed their bodies, and put books close to their chests. They listened to heart beating, lost themselves slowly.

Frank stared at them innocently, with a little strange view making them uneasy, it seemed he’s worrying.

“So, could I introduce myself more formally?” He cleared throat, “my last name is Iero, I’m 1 grade student. Hope I didn’t do something wrong?”

“I-e-r-o.” Gerard spelt it slowly, literally they’re not here. What a terrible beginning of both knowing him and starting a day. They thought it’s just because they slept little, “my name is Gerard Way. Nice to meet you here. I’m in the 2nd grade.”

“Great.” Then silence. Gerard pretended they’re busy doing homework. In the afterglow, they saw that Frank also opened the notebook, but did not write a word.

They didn’t know why he’s here, if he say anything else, they didn’t know… after all, reality was so far from them. When they realized Frank had left, they had already been in classroom, listening to the finale questions that they don't understand, felt sleepy for tiredness they didn’t know why.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

They hadn’t remembered the last worst panic came today or yesterday, on class or on rest time, in the crowd or in the public washroom alone. smell of blood was so familiar that it kept washing their time off. Compared with the narrow desk space, the refills falling on the ground, the homework, and the blood flowing out of the cracks in the skin seemed to be cleaner. They wanted to stop all this, not because it was too painful, but because then they could concentrate on learning— achieving results, and walking out of the town.

They had already taken some medicine from local hospital, but it didn’t work, even got worse. Doctor laughed at them and talked about school the whole time, while they almost burst in tears but smiled to that stranger stiffly. The problem wasn’t about school, they knew, but all ways they tried to save themselves only stretched them sinking faster and faster.

Maybe they deserved. Like that doctor said, everyone felt pressure in this school. E V E R Y O N E. He didn’t even allow them to say about themselves. Maybe it’s really not important, they didn’t have depression, they faked. They was too sensitive.

Somatization was getting worse. They suspected that Ray had noticed it. Every time they grabbed something on the table too tightly and quietly, they knew Ray was staring at them, until they finally relieved.

They slipped away. Last leaving classroom, first getting up to study, skipping meal time, they never got strange to them. They lived on the wasteland, no air, no voice, no joy. Dreams were dry, waking up was like a torture.

However, they gradually found Frank was always there, in every morning, he came later than them, sat not far away, wearing headphones prohibited by the school.They mostly just nodded to each other, then they continued to immerse themselves in their minds. It's been a long time, they remembered the edge of his fingers, which put on the books, nails neat. His pen rustling paper, sometimes woke them up from sleepy sense, although they never moved to look at him, the body temperature around him got familiar to them. Because on the
contrary, their hands were always cold and wet.

His name is Frank. Gerard finally put it in mind, as every time they forgot, they glanced at his cover of notebooks, blamed themselves and didn’t wanna talk to others because of a sense of frustration the whole day. Facing Frank, they felt like a clown. They bit their lips, tightened their knees, shrank themselves smaller, and buried their heads lower and lower every day. The weight became lighter, but the body was heavy. They repeatedly had flashback dreams. The beatings and scolding of their parents which were engraved in their memories, crying that was never like childhood, and the sound of drawing cards which only in their ears.

They could go anywhere but here, even home, really. Evening self-study, Something was gripping their throat, felt like terrors, attacked the narrow space between the desks, or bed and ceiling, fucked all things up.

They said, hold on; they said, it’s normal; they said, pressure would pass when you graduated, but what if they had died before even experienced the University entrance examination? They had waited so, so long.

They couldn't hold on anymore.
On the “normal” morning, at the normal door, in front of the normal study room, they woke up, feeling sick of feeling sick and tired again, persuading themselves it’s nothing wrong, and then they saw the ground approaching them, the next moment they heard “bumb” badly, no, they more worried being found by other students.

It’s normal too. All things must pass.

Maybe they forgot someone also getting up at this time, with darkness shadowing their eyes, a voice they once knew sounded.

“Are you ok?”

The familiar temperature approached little by little, and they suddenly felt more tired.' Yes, I'm fine, thank you.'