Work Text:
An Exposed Wound.
Tw! Graphic Self Harm
A young Loki looks around his dark room, his eyes landing on the window outside. He rubs his red, dry, eyes as he looks out towards the stars in the sky.
As a child, Loki would make stories for hours about the creatures he saw in the sky but those childhood stories do not calm him any longer and the buzzing silence gets louder and louder. The silence of his room makes his bones and blood buzz with discomfort. Every thought threatening to make its way to the front of his head, screaming to be known. But Loki can’t. He must stay silent. His thoughts must stay silent. Why won't they stop? They need to stop, they have to stop.
Crouched over in a silent sob, gasping for air, his fists repeatedly pounding against his head. Stop shut up, shut up shut up shut UP, SHUT UP.
A creek down the hallway makes him stop in his tracks. He freezes like a rabbit, looking around with wild, wide eyes, his chest tight. He waits for a long while, praying that the rest of the castle is still sleeping.
Loki pulls himself out of bed and walks towards his bathroom with heavy steps. The dull light of the mirror lighting his Asgardian features. His nose, his eyes a perfect green, his hair raven black, his pale skin. Loki pulls at his skin, tugging and pushing in different ways, almost trying to remodel his features. Something was off, just like how it was every time he looked in the mirror. It made him feel sick.
With a bit of sorcery, Loki summons his beautiful and intricate dagger to his hand, twirling it back and forth. He looks at his reflection. Loki always kept his daggers shiny, making sure to take care of them consistently after every practice and battle.
Tonight was particularly bad. Not that it mattered. But Thor had left him all alone during training in the woods, running off with the warriors three. He didn’t know how to get back home and it took him ages. When he finally came back, Odin was waiting for him.
“A useless failure.”
Loki rolled up his sleeve and stared at the marks littered along his arm.
“Lazy,-“
He added another slice, savoring the trickle of bright crimson blood that began to flow from his inflamed skin. He took a deep breath in, savoring the sting, the control.
“disgusting,-“
Three more, but it never was enough. Each one deeper than the next but he could hardly feel them.
“pathetic-“
As the blood flowed slowly down his arm, staining his skin, Loki could hardly feel a thing. He looked at the fresh cuts, almost disappointed.
“Why am I-“
Loki tensed his arm, watching the blood with a blank expression.
“never-“
The knife was cold in his hand, his knuckles white from his grip.
“enough.”
With one last cut he looked down. It was deep. Deeper than before. There was…something white under the pink flesh.
Before Loki knew it his chest was beating faster than ever. And the blood. It wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t it stop!
Loki frantically put his hand over the wound but the blood kept flowing, eventually starting to drip on the floor.
His hands were shaking as Loki rummaged through the cabinets in his bathroom. Quickly he found some butterfly bandages and a wrap and applied them. The bandages and his seidir were enough and the bleeding slowed but even moving his arm a small bit threatened to re-open the wound.
Loki silently cursed at himself. He can’t let people know. His seider will surely heal it.
Loki returned to his bed but as he closed his eyes he couldn’t help but think that this couldn’t go on forever.
—-
The next morning as Loki was getting ready, he slowly peeled off the bandages to see that the bleeding had hardly stopped.
With a sigh of dread and exhaustion he rebandages his arm and attempts to go on with his day like normal.
When time for training came around, Loki had gotten the knack of making sure the laceration wouldn’t be noticed. While yes, he still couldn’t get the images out of his mind, he has been able to evade any suspicion from anyone else.
As Loki walked in he was greeted by an over excited Thor, just as always.
“Brother! Today is a great day for training! We get to spar today!” Thor said with his classic goofy smile.
Loki sighed as he tensed his jaw. Why couldn’t it have been just some solo workouts? Why today did he have to spar?
“Oh great, I’m ecstatic.” Loki sarcastically says to Thor, rolling his eyes.
“Ah don’t worry brother! I’ll go easy on you. Come on, it'll be fun!” Thor aggressively pats Loki on the back.
Loki stumbles forward a bit and gives an annoyed laugh to Thor.
They ready themselves into their fighting positions and begin the hand to hand combat. Loki was especially quick today, making sure his arm was avoided. But Thor was strong. He could use his brute strength, landing a few good hits on Loki. Thor grabbed Loki's arm to stop one of his attacks. Loki couldn’t hide his yelp of pain as he pulled his arm back as fast as lightning. He looked up at Thor and growled, sending a swift kick to his stomach. While Thor was taken back by the swift kick Loki adjusted his sleeve before continuing.
The spar lasted for a bit longer before Loki felt something that made his stomach drop. The out of place feeling of wetness on his arm told him all he needed to know, his wound soaked through the bandages and was getting on his sleeve. Loki thanked the norns that he was wearing black sleeves and he quickly allowed Thor to toss him to the ground without any more fight. He needed to get out of there.
“Ha! I win again little brother! Don’t worry though, you’ll soon catch up to me.” Thor gave Loki a prideful smile and reached out a hand to help him up. Loki dismissed Thor's outstretched hand and left without another word.
—
Loki made it to his room, his chest heaving and his stomach twisting itself into knots. He locks his door and takes off his stained shirt to see a fully soaked bandage. His hand hesitates as he goes to take off the bandage so he takes a breath and pushes every feeling away.
Methodically, Loki removes his bandages and cleans the wound, looking at it as little as possible.
“Why the Hel won’t my seidir do its job.”
All of a sudden a knock comes from the door and Loki freezes. The only movement is the quick rise and fall of his chest. Another knock.
“Loki?”
It was Thor.
“Loki, is something wrong? Open the door.”
Loki cleared his throat and in the calmest voice he could find he responded.
“No, everything is quite alright brother. I don’t see why you have to be bothering me. Winning in training was enough already.”
Lokis stomach twists. Even he can’t keep this up for long.
“Loki, I know something is off. Please just tell me. Open the door.” Thor says, shaking the door handle.
“No! No, just- please just leave.” Loki chuckles a bit trying to diffuse the tension.
“No?” Thor laughs, starting to get frustrated and angry, mostly because Loki won’t do what he’s asking.
“Fine then, I’ll just have to come in myself.” Thor starts kicking the door in. Loki begins to panic.
“Thor! For the love of the Norns stop!” Loki says quickly trying to hide anything that’s bloody and cover the wound with his hand.
“Then open-“ Thor lands a hard kick to the door. “the damn-“ He sends one more and the hinge starts to loosen and bend.
“Fine!” Loki yells, Thor's leg mid kick as he puts it back down. “Just, stop, don’t break my door you oaf.” Loki unlocks his door, keeping his arm facing away from his brother.
Thor walks in and sits on the edge of Loki's bed. “Why have you been so weird today brother? You left right after training and… why are you holding your arm like that?” Loki's stomach drops.
Thor stands up and walks over, grabbing Loki's wrist before he could move it. He pulls Loki's arm towards him and takes in the sight of it.
“Thor- I-“ but even Loki's silver tongue couldn’t find an excuse for this. “Don’t tell Father or Mother.” Loki pleaded, his body tense.
Suddenly Thor wrapped his arms tightly around Loki in a hug. Loki paused, not expecting this reaction and slowly hugged Thor back.
“It will be alright brother.” Thor brings Loki in closer as tears begin to well up in Loki's eyes and he can’t help but sob into his brothers arms.
“It will be alright.”