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Having a boyfriend is a lot easier than Sebastian ever thought it would be.
He hadn’t even intended to start dating Kurt, honestly. The relationship snuck up on him, and when Sebastian finally realized that the two of them were actually together, he panicked. It had only lasted a few minutes, though, because he was truly enjoying their time together. He likes that they spend the night sometimes now and wake up together. He likes that they give each other goodbye kisses and have standing dates for Wednesdays and Saturdays. He’s grown attached to Kurt’s jokes, his arched eyebrow, his fond, mocking tone. Sebastian loves making Kurt smile. He loves fucking him, too. They have a chemistry that still surprises Sebastian, and Kurt’s always willing to try new things. The feeling he gets from waking up with Kurt beside him has become one of Sebastian’s favorites, and not just because it means there’s a pretty good chance they’re going to have sex again. Sebastian feels safe, warm, and appreciated when he wakes up with Kurt pressed against him, and if this is what having a boyfriend is like, well, Sebastian is totally fine with that.
He’s told his roommate, Hunter, and some of his other friends. His parents know about Kurt, too, and he really hopes he’ll have a chance to introduce them over the next school break. Though Sebastian’s been trying to play it cool, he really is excited about finally having a boyfriend. He thought this would never be something he would want, and while he knows it’s okay to be different and he used to pride himself on not wanting all the mundane things that everyone else aspired to have, it had started to get old. It’s why he made the ill-advised decision to date Blaine last year, which resulted in a debacle that Sebastian now refers to as the 72-Hour Disaster. He’d lost interest as soon as he slept with Blaine, and he still couldn’t explain why. The sex was good, and Blaine is attractive and nice, but once they’d slept together, Sebastian couldn’t even imagine attempting to date him for any longer. He ended it immediately, and Blaine, who had taken a bit of convincing to even go out with Sebastian in the first place, was really not pleased. Sebastian still feels a little guilty, but he’d meant well. He honestly thought he would enjoy having a boyfriend, and as soon as he knew he didn’t, he ended things before Blaine could get too attached. He’s not sure how else he could have handled it. It became clear to him after the 72-Hour Disaster that he’d been wrong about wanting a boyfriend. He doubted he was even capable of it.
When he slept with Kurt, it was meant to be a one-time “I’m horny, you’re horny, and I know you well enough to know you’re not going to try and steal my shit” thing (Sebastian seemed to have an unfortunate habit of picking up kleptomaniacs for one night stands, and Hunter was starting to get really annoyed). But Sebastian and Kurt hadn’t been a one time thing. It’s been six months of exclusivity, great sex, and the knowledge that maybe there really is someone in the world that Sebastian can make a relationship work with. They’ve been getting more and more affectionate recently with their increased overnight visits, and though their work and class schedules and roommate interference still keep them from spending as much time together as Sebastian would like, he’s happy with how thing are going. He looks forward to their Wednesdays and Saturdays all week, and when he’s forced to cancel a Saturday night with Kurt because the friends he met during his first semester of college won’t stop bugging him until he goes out with them again, Sebastian hates it. He never invites Kurt to these gatherings. Kurt would hate everything about their club-hopping Saturday nights, including Sebastian’s friends themselves. Honestly, Sebastian kind of hates his friends at this point, but he feels bad completely blowing off the first people who had made any attempt to get to know him when he first moved to New York. The nights he spends with them now are not enjoyable for him at all. He’s sick of going to straight clubs and watching the guys get drunk and harass girls in hideous sparkly dresses and heels they can’t walk in. Even more offensive than his friends’ choice of entertainment is their reaction to the news of Sebastian having a boyfriend. They tease him endlessly about his newfound domesticity now, a mockery just a bit too harsh to be considered good-natured ribbing. So no, Sebastian doesn’t want Kurt meeting them. The last two invites from his friends have been ignored, and Sebastian is hoping they’ll take the hint and start backing off. His Saturday nights are too precious to be filled with people he can barely tolerate.
This thing with Kurt, it’s changed Sebastian a lot. His grades have improved, his circle of friends that he doesn’t despise has widened, and the amount of time he spends blackout drinking has significantly decreased. They’re not even things he’d cared much about changing in the past, but he can’t say he’s not happier now. Sometimes, when he’s in bed with Kurt snuggled into his side on a Saturday night with no alarm set for the next morning, Sebastian thinks he might be the happiest he’s ever been.
-
It’s a real blow when Sebastian finds out that Kurt is not actually his boyfriend at all.
The evening that everything changes starts off typically for them. It’s a Wednesday, which means Rachel has a night class and will be staying overnight at her boyfriend’s place after, so Sebastian and Kurt have the loft in Brooklyn all to themselves. In the past, Sebastian would just head to Brooklyn himself after Kurt had already arrived home, but lately Sebastian’s been stopping by the Bath and Body Works store that Kurt works at to meet him at the end of his shift so they can take the train together.
Kurt’s just finishing up when Sebastian enters the store and catches his eye. Kurt gives him a tired smile and holds up a finger, indicating that he’ll be done in a minute. By the time Sebastian has pretended to browse the display of body lotions that are buy two get one free, Kurt’s ready to leave, his apron removed and his messenger bag slung across his shoulder.
“I need caffeine,” is the first thing he says to Sebastian. “Do you mind if we stop at Starbucks?”
As soon as they’re outside and away from the headache-inducing combination of scents inside of the store, Sebastian can tell that Kurt smells a bit stronger than usual himself. In the past six months, Sebastian has become pretty good at telling the scents apart. He can usually tell if Kurt has been on free sample duty, and for which fragrance. Most days, though, Kurt leaves the store smelling like the same combination of scents inside. It used to give Sebastian a headache, and he still complains about it often. In reality, he’s grown to really love the scent. Today, Kurt smells overwhelmingly like Country Apple.
“You smell like you’ve spent the last two weeks trudging through the world’s most bountiful apple orchard,” Sebastian remarks as they head down the block to Starbucks. “Free sample day?”
Kurt scowls. “Some monster masquerading as a little girl doused me in body spray. Her parents thought it was hilarious.”
Kurt’s never in a great mood after finishing a shift, but today he’s extra cranky. The long line at Starbucks angers him, too, and he lets out a frustrated sigh. Sebastian wants to reach out, give him some sort of reassuring touch, just a hand on his shoulder, maybe, but that’s not something they do yet, and Sebastian doesn’t want to try to introduce that into their relationship when Kurt’s in such a bad mood. Seeing Kurt so upset is hard for Sebastian, though. He wishes there were something he could do to help.
“I’m sorry, that must not have been fun,” he says, then attempts to change the subject to something Kurt might find more agreeable. “You still have Saturday off, right? So you can come over in the afternoon?”
Their Saturday dates usually take place at the apartment Sebastian shares with Hunter in Manhattan. Hunter, who at Sebastian’s last count was juggling three girlfriends (none of whom knew about the others), is usually out on one or more dates on Saturdays, and he never spends the night at home. “I can’t bring the girls here too often,” Hunter had explained once when Sebastian had asked. “They’ll start to get too comfortable and think they can drop by whenever they want, which could potentially destroy this wonderful, but fragile system that I’ve created.” Sebastian had just rolled his eyes.
“Oh, actually, that reminds me,” Kurt says, forcing a casual tone. Sebastian’s not sure if Kurt’s trying to pretend he’s not in a horrible mood, or if he’s about to say something he knows Sebastian won’t like. “I have to cancel for Saturday. Something came up.”
“Oh. Okay,” Sebastian says, disappointed. “Nothing bad, I hope?”
“No, no, I’m going on a date.” They reach the counter before Sebastian can get clarification and Kurt turns to him. “Do you want something? I’ll treat.”
“No thanks,” Sebastian replies, then waits for Kurt to order his coffee. Once Kurt has paid and they’ve moved down to the other side of the counter to wait for his drink, Sebastian speaks again. “So… like, a date with Rachel, do you mean?” Kurt’s referred to his plans with Rachel as dates before, any time the two of them do something together that’s outside of their loft. It’s weird he’d cancel plans to see Rachel, but she’s been pretty busy lately, so it’s not unheard of.
“Nope,” Kurt says. “A TA in the dance department asked me out.” Sebastian’s eyes widen, and Kurt hastens to add, “Not my TA,” as if that’s the part that Sebastian is shocked by.
“And… you said yes?” Sebastian asks, wondering if there’s an important detail he’s missing.
“Well, yeah,” Kurt replies, sounding pretty confused himself. “Hence me not being free on Saturday.”
“But… we always have plans on Saturday.”
“Yeah, except when you cancel them to hang out with other guys.”
Sebastian’s really starting to panic now. “That’s different! Those aren’t dates.”
“Right,” Kurt says, rolling his eyes. “I suppose ‘date’ would be too generous a term for what goes on there.”
“They’re friends, Kurt!” Sebastian says, shocked that Kurt would think otherwise. “They’re not even gay!”
Kurt doesn’t look convinced, but he shrugs before the barista comes over and hands him his drink. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t understand,” Sebastian says, holding the door for Kurt as the two of them exit Starbucks. This feels a lot like a break-up, but even with his lack of dating experience, Sebastian is pretty sure this is not a typical way to be dumped. “Did I do something wrong?” He and Kurt have grown closer lately, not more distant. None of this makes any sense.
“No, of course not,” Kurt assures him. He sighs, then continues. “It’s just that it’s been almost a year since I’ve had a boyfriend, and I think I’m ready to move on, you know? As much fun as you and I have, casual sex isn’t something I want to do forever. This friends with benefits situation we have going on isn’t really fulfilling my emotional needs.”
Sebastian is stunned into silence for a moment as they walk down the street toward the subway entrance. He’s not being dumped. He’s being told that Kurt never considered him a boyfriend at all. Sebastian thinks this might actually feel worse.
He’s still trying to process the new information when Kurt speaks again. “Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad,” Sebastian replies, but he’s pretty sure his tone betrays him. He is mad, but he’s a lot of other things, too. Hurt, confused, and embarrassed are probably the top three.
“I didn’t think you’d care, honestly,” Kurt says. “It’s not like you’ll have any trouble finding a replacement.”
It’s so dismissive of what they’ve shared that Sebastian flinches. “So what you’re saying is… this is over.”
Kurt frowns. “Well, I can’t sleep with you anymore, not while I have a boyfriend. He’s not technically my boyfriend yet, but unless the date goes really horribly…”
“So, just so we’re perfectly clear, you’re not canceling plans for Saturday,” Sebastian says, trying to keep his voice steady. “You’re ending this.”
“I’m not ending our friendship, I’m just saying I can’t sleep with you while I’m dating someone. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. And, like I said, it’s something you can find very easily elsewhere.” He gives Sebastian a teasing smile that seems slightly forced. “Obviously, no one you find will be quite as good, but-”
Sebastian cuts him off, not willing to play along with Kurt’s joke. “What makes you think I would want to stay friends with you?”
Kurt’s smile disappears immediately. His mouth twists into a scowl, but his eyes are hurt, not angry. “I shouldn’t have expected that, I guess,” he says. “I should have realized you would have no use for people you’re not fucking.”
If Sebastian were feeling a bit more in control of his emotions, he probably would have been able to get the conversation back on track so they could get to the root of the problem, but he’s feeling so overwhelmed that, more than anything, he wishes this conversation would be over so he can be alone and try and sort through what’s going on in his head. Kurt is ready to storm off now and Sebastian knows that it might be better to chase after him and try to work this out, but it’s also a perfect opportunity to escape, so he takes it.
“Yeah, you probably should have,” Sebastian says, and Kurt responds as expected, exhaling loudly in frustration and throwing up his arms.
“You’re such an asshole,” he spits. “I can’t believe I managed to delude myself into thinking we were actually friends.”
He’s already headed in the direction of the subway entrance when Sebastian mutters, “Yeah, neither can I.”
Before Sebastian even understands what he’s doing, he has his phone out, scrolling through his contacts. He needs to confirm this with someone, because he’s starting to feel like he’s in one of those movies where the main character wakes up in an alternate universe where everything he knows is wrong. He stops on Blaine’s name and presses the call button. Blaine is a good person to ask about this, because he’s Kurt’s friend, not Sebastian’s. Anyone Sebastian’s close with might have been influenced by Sebastian’s side of the story, but he hasn’t talked to Blaine in a while, so he’ll only have information from Kurt. Blaine will be able to tell Sebastian that he’s not crazy.
Blaine picks up after a few rings with a wary “Hello?”
Sebastian forgoes any greeting and gets straight to the point. “Did you know Kurt and I were dating?”
Blaine’s silent for a moment. “Who is this?” he finally asks.
“Sebastian,” huffs Sebastian impatiently. “Did he tell you, or not?”
“Sebastian? Seriously?”
“Yes, asshole, it’s me, didn’t you check before you answered?” When Blaine doesn’t answer right away, Sebastian continues. “Did you delete my number or something?”
Blaine snorts. “Um, yeah? Why wouldn’t I have?”
The information hurts more than Sebastian expected. Sure, what happened with Blaine last year was a complete disaster, and it mostly ruined whatever friendship they had been building, but right after being dismissed by Kurt, the news feels extra harsh.
“Whatever,” Sebastian mutters. It’s not really the most important thing right now. “Can you answer the question?”
Blaine lets out an irritated sigh. “Fuck off, Sebastian, I’m busy.” There’s a pause, and Sebastian assumes Blaine is about to hang up, but he speaks again after a moment, disbelief lacing his words. “You’re dating Kurt? Seriously?”
“Apparently not!” Sebastian snaps, immediately ending the call in the flash of anger and shame that came with Blaine’s confirmation. Kurt wasn’t telling people they were dating. Kurt really, truly did not believe they were a couple. Sebastian had gotten it wrong. Somehow, he had learned to love the comfort, warmth, and certainty of being Kurt Hummel’s boyfriend without taking the obvious step of actually making things official. Kurt didn’t feel the same way about Sebastian as Sebastian did about Kurt. Everything Sebastian believed about their relationship in the past six months had been a fabrication of his mind. He and Kurt had never shared anything but a sexual relationship.
Sebastian, after getting so accustomed to loving this guy and being loved back, is suddenly all alone, but that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is realizing that it had never been love at all.
-
When Hunter hears the news that night, he can’t stop laughing.
“You’re such a dick,” Sebastian tells him. “This isn’t funny.” Hunter’s not the most compassionate person in the world, but Sebastian had been expecting some pretense of sympathy for his plight from his roommate. The wound is still fresh, and the laughter hurts more than Hunter’s usual mockery.
“I disagree,” Hunter replies once he’s managed to calm down a little bit, wiping a tear away from his eye. “This is hilarious. You think you’re dating this guy for six months, all excited that you have a boyfriend, because you thought you never would, telling everyone how much you love him, and-”
“I never said that,” Sebastian interrupts. He’d been very careful about not saying it, especially in front of Kurt.
“Bullshit, you said it last week when we went out with Allison. You were so drunk you couldn’t walk straight, but it still counts. She can confirm it, I’m sure.”
Sebastian’s face is red with embarrassment at the news. He definitely didn’t remember announcing that to anyone. “You’d have to call Liz to confirm it, probably,” he says, clinging to the only advantage he has here - a firmer grasp on Hunter’s various girlfriends. “We were out with her last week, not Allison.”
Hunter just waves a hand dismissively. “Whatever. Anyway, so you’re going around telling people you have this great boyfriend you love so much, and then one day you find out you’re not even dating. You just assumed you were because after you fucked him, he didn’t immediately kick you out of bed! And that would be hilarious enough on its own, but you actually found out when he casually mentioned he was going on a date with some other guy.” He’s laughing again by the end of his speech, shaking his head in delight. “I swear, this could only have happened to you.”
“I hate you. You are the worst friend ever.”
“One day, you’ll think this is funny.”
“I won’t,” Sebastian insists. “This is a fucking nightmare.”
Hunter rolls his eyes. “Don’t be so melodramatic. It’s good, now I have a funny story to tell when I give my best man speech at you and Kurt’s wedding!”
“There is no way in hell you are ever going to be my best man. And were you not listening? Kurt is dating someone else. We’re not even together. There’s not going to be a wedding.”
Hunter looks perplexed. “Wait, he’s still going on this date even though you told him you thought you were together?”
“I didn’t tell him that, are you crazy?” Sebastian asks. “I was embarrassed enough, I wasn’t about to bring it up so he could laugh at me the way you are!”
“So you just acted like it was no big deal that he had a date?”
“Uh… something like that, yeah,” lies Sebastian, trying not to wince as he remembers the fight he and Kurt had.
“Well, that was stupid,” Hunter remarks. “But it’s fixable. Just-”
“I don’t want relationship advice from a guy who can’t keep his girlfriends straight,” interrupts Sebastian, but Hunter continues, unperturbed.
“Tell him you like him and want to date him. He must like you a little, he’s put up with you for six months. I’m sure he’ll give you a chance.”
It’s much saner advice than Sebastian had expected from Hunter, and it might actually be something worth trying if things hadn’t ended the way they did. “I don’t know about that. We sort of… got into a fight, after he told me about the date.” He sighs, figuring there’s no point in hiding all of the gory details from Hunter at this point. “I… may have implied that there was no reason for us to be friends anymore if there wasn’t going to be any sex involved.”
Hunter arches an eyebrow. “You’re kidding.”
“I panicked, okay? It wasn’t my finest moment.”
“That’s an understatement. Fuck, Sebastian. Even my impressive relationship prowess might not be able to help you fix this. I think I have an idea, though.”
“You have no relationship prowess to speak of,” Sebastian replies. “You’re messing around with three different women, all of whom think that you guys are exclusive.”
Hunter gives him an emphatic nod. “Exactly. I got three separate girls to date me, and I keep them all satisfied enough that they have no reason to suspect there’s anyone else.”
As ridiculous as Hunter’s dating situation is, Sebastian can’t really deny that he has a point. “I’m not saying I actually want your help, but… if I did, what would your idea entail?”
“Romance,” Hunter replies immediately, a grin taking over his face. “Wooing.”
Sebastian sighs. “Yeah, just as I suspected. Completely useless.”
“It’s not useless! It’s-”
“Stupid,” Sebastian finishes. “I’m going to bed.” He starts heading to his room despite Hunter’s protests.
“You’ll change your mind!” Hunter calls after him.
-
Sebastian doesn’t think he’ll change his mind. After all, one of the reasons he’d found it so easy being Kurt’s boyfriend was that there wasn’t any of that overly romantic stuff that Sebastian always knew he’d fail at. He never had to buy Kurt flowers or celebrate an anniversary. It wasn’t uncomfortable, Kurt wasn’t clingy, and it was easy, like having a friend, but with the added bonus of sex.
The thought brings back the memory of Kurt’s voice. This friends with benefits situation we have going on isn’t really fulfilling my emotional needs. It had seemed so ridiculous at the time, had shocked Sebastian to his very core, but god, how could he have been so stupid? Of course that’s all they had been. Sebastian can’t believe he never caught on. Had he really managed to convince himself that Kurt Hummel, the guy who pretty much exclusively chose romantic comedies on movie night, had binders full of wedding ideas on the top shelf of his closet, and went all starry-eyed whenever someone talked about something nice a significant other had done, would have accepted what he had with Sebastian as an actual relationship? Kurt craved romance, and Sebastian had been deluding himself to think otherwise. There was no reason for Sebastian to try and date Kurt for real, because it wouldn’t be anything like the “dating” Sebastian thought they had been doing for six months. It would be a complete disaster, trying to keep Kurt happy in a real relationship. It had been nice to think otherwise for a while, but now Sebastian thinks it’s probably time to face reality. The conclusion that he’d come to after attempting to date Blaine wasn’t wrong, after all. Sebastian really just isn’t meant to be in a relationship.
-
It takes less than two days for Sebastian to change his mind. By Friday afternoon, the loss of Kurt is even more palpable. Sebastian aches with the knowledge that he won’t be seeing Kurt this Saturday, or any Saturday from now on. The twice weekly planned dates (not dates, though, they had never been dates, Sebastian has to keep reminding himself), were the bright spots in Sebastian’s week. Texts from Kurt were what helped get him through long study sessions at the university library, and movie nights with Kurt and his friends had made Sebastian feel accepted without having to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. In one afternoon, he’d managed to destroy all of it.
The bleakness of his future without Kurt isn’t even the main reason he finally relents and texts Kurt on Friday night. Sebastian can’t get the wounded look Kurt shot him out of his mind. Enough time has passed for Sebastian to let go of his anger and accept that it wasn’t even Kurt’s fault in the first place, and he knows he needs to be the one to reach out and apologize. He can’t be Kurt’s boyfriend, he knows that now, but he wants Kurt to know that he’s sorry, and he wants to be allowed to remain in his life.
He sends the first apology text around four p.m. and spends the next few hours trying not to jump out of his skin every time his phone vibrates. There are texts from Hunter and Tori, a classmate he’s working on a presentation with, and Facebook application invitations from his father, but Kurt doesn’t reply. Sebastian tries not to panic, but he knows that there’s no reason for Kurt to not have access to his phone on a Friday evening. Kurt’s not the type to make people wait for a reply, either. He’s quick and efficient, and by seven p.m., Sebastian knows that he’s being purposely ignored. He can’t stop himself from sending another text, apologizing again and adding a few negative adjectives to describe himself and the way he acted.
Sebastian waits up until after two a.m., but gets no reply. That’s it, then. Kurt’s not interested in an apology, and there’s not really anything else Sebastian can do. He doesn’t text again.
Saturday is even harder than Friday. Sebastian is in a rotten mood and can’t bring himself to leave his bedroom to clean or to run necessary errands, because he can’t stop thinking about what Kurt’s doing in his own apartment in Brooklyn. Eating breakfast, chattering excitedly to Rachel about his date, picking out the perfect outfit and waiting for that asshole TA to pick him up for their super romantic dinner date. That guy would probably bring him flowers and kiss his hand and listen to Kurt ramble on about shit no normal person would ever be interested in, and he’d bring Kurt back to his apartment and leave him with a chaste kiss and a promise to call him tomorrow. The thought makes Sebastian seethe. Anyone could do that stuff, it was basic, people faked it all the time to get what they wanted, and-
“Anyone can do that stuff,” Sebastian says aloud to his empty bedroom as realization dawns on him. Romance isn’t hard. It doesn’t seem hard, anyway. It’s just stupid, and Sebastian had always found it to be totally pointless. But if a little romance could get Kurt interested in him again, then it wouldn’t be pointless at all. He likes Kurt, and if Kurt likes celebrating anniversaries and getting chocolates on Valentine’s Day, there’s no reason Sebastian can’t provide that. Making Kurt happy has never been a chore for him, not really. As ridiculous as it sounds, Kurt’s bright smile has always been the best reward.
Sebastian finally pulls himself out of bed and throws on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, feeling like he’s finally woken up from a three-day nightmare. His new plan invigorates him. He’s going to get Kurt back, and it’s going to be easy. He just has to pretend a little bit.It’s been awhile since Sebastian had to pretend, because being with Kurt hadn’t required it. It also hadn’t gotten him beyond friends with benefits status, though, and Sebastian is an old pro at acting like someone he isn’t. It will probably be fun, getting that part of himself back.
It isn’t until Sebastian has picked up his phone, ready to call Kurt and ask him out on a real date, that he remembers the unanswered apology texts from the night before. He calls Kurt anyway, hoping for a miracle, but hangs up when the call goes straight to voicemail. Maybe this won’t be as easy as Sebastian thought.
Before despair can completely overtake him, Sebastian remembers Hunter’s offer from a few days before.
“Hunter?” he calls, rushing toward his bedroom door and desperately hoping Hunter hasn’t left for whatever date he has today. “I need your help.”
“Ahhh, I knew this day would come,” says Hunter a few minutes later. They’re sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, and Hunter’s laced fingers and self-satisfied smirk make Sebastian feel like he’s in high school all over again, listening to the guy who took his place as captain of the Warblers explain their new strategy. He tries to ignore Hunter’s smugness and just press on with the issue at hand.
“I just need a few tips on the romance thing. Nothing major, just… I think you were right, about… the romance stuff, and I figure I can fake that, you know? I can send flowers and do fancy dates, whatever it takes, but I’ve never done it before, so I just maybe need someone spotting me, so I don’t do anything incredibly stupid.”
“Of course,” Hunter says, smug smile still firmly in place. “Well, first of all, you need to apologize.”
“I did!” Sebastian replies, feeling proud. “Last night.” Clearly, he wasn’t completely clueless in the ways of romance.
“Good, good. And what did he say?”
Sebastian grimaces. “Well, he didn’t reply.”
“What do you mean? He just stared at you and didn’t answer?”
“Well, no,” Sebastian admits. “I wasn’t with him, I just texted him a few times and he never answered the texts, which is why I-”
Hunter holds up a hand. “Wait, you tried to apologize for telling him you had no interest in him beyond sex by texting him? Christ, Sebastian, you really are hopeless.”
“How can apologizing possibly be wrong?!”
“You don’t apologize by text!” Hunter looks disgusted. “Ever.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Sebastian replies.
“It makes it seem like you don’t care.”
“So… should I call him?”
“You shouldn’t do anything,” Hunter says. “Not until I figure out how to fix this.” He thinks for a minute. “Okay, here’s the plan. You send flowers to him at work with a really sappy note attached. The note will reiterate how sorry you are, tell him how much you care about him, and then inquire about his interest in going on a date.”
The color drains from Sebastian’s face. “All that? In one little note attached to flowers?”
“I can’t work like this!” Hunter exclaims, standing up and starting to walk away from the table. “If you question every single decision I make, it makes it very difficult for me to help you, Sebastian!”
“Sorry, sorry! It just… seems like it’s really fast? Since he thinks we’re just friends and all.”
“You don’t have the luxury of going slow,” Hunter tells him. “Kurt’s got a date with some other guy soon.”
“Tonight,” says Sebastian miserably.
“Right. So you need to do this before he falls in love with this new guy. He’ll love it, I promise.”
“You’ve never even met him.”
“It sort of sounds like you’re questioning my decision again.”
Sebastian rolls his eyes. “It just seems a little…”
“Romantic? Wonderful? Perfect?”
“Pathetic,” Sebastian replies.
“It’s not pathetic if it gets you what you want,” says Hunter with a shrug. “I have a flower guy that keeps my ladies satisfied, so if you can get this note to me by five o’clock, I can have Javier deliver a beautiful bouquet to Kurt at work tomorrow. He’s amazing, he never screws up, he’s never late. I’ll even treat!”
“Tomorrow seems really soon, I don’t know…”
Hunter lets out an impatient sigh. “Look, you can wait weeks and weeks and be indecisive and whiny while the guy you love falls for someone else, or you can man up and send him flowers tomorrow.” Sebastian opens his mouth to protest, but Hunter continues before he can get any words out. “Tick, tock!”
-
Sebastian writes the note. Hunter’s right, Kurt will like flowers, and the manager that works Sundays would be okay with it, so Sebastian can’t find a good excuse not to do it. A letter makes things easier, anyway, and gets him out of a face-to-face conversation. It’s what he had been trying to avoid with the text apology, and this isn’t really that different. He just has to fake a little romance in the note, convince Kurt that he’s sorry and he thinks there may be something more between them and he wants Kurt to give him a chance, and he has to fit the words into the character limit Hunter supplied him with, and he has less than two hours before five o’clock. Easy. Piece of cake.
If the writing of this note is any indication, faking romance is a lot harder than Sebastian thought it would be. Every word he types out feels wrong, like Kurt will interpret this not as someone who legitimately cares about him, but as the desperate act of a man who’s jealous that his favorite toy has been taken away. Kurt knows him, and he’s not going to believe anything too over-the-top came from Sebastian’s heart.
The note he’s staring at when Hunter bangs into his room at exactly five p.m. isn’t romantic at all. It’s honest but a bit vague, mainly because of his character restrictions. It gets the point across, though, with an apology for being an asshole and a request for a second chance, because he thinks they could be really good together. It could use more work, but Sebastian’s out of time, and he emails the message to Hunter, who skims it on his phone immediately and gives Sebastian an approving nod.
“I’m impressed,” he says. “I thought you’d be horrible at the faking romance thing. You’ll have your boy back by tomorrow night, I promise.”
He’s gone before Sebastian can ask if he somehow accidentally emailed Hunter one of the earlier drafts, with fancier language and grand declarations.
-
Kurt’s works from ten to six on Sundays, and the flowers are set to be delivered around noon. Sebastian knows from past text conversations that Kurt usually takes his lunch break around one, and the wait to see if Kurt will contact him is hard to handle, though not as hard as the night before had been, knowing that Kurt was off somewhere on a date with a TA. A text comes in at 1:23, and when Sebastian sees Kurt’s name, he almost cries with relief.
From Kurt Hummel: Are you free tonight? I think this is something we should talk about in person.
It’s not the most promising message, since it’s hard to read Kurt’s tone, but Sebastian quickly agrees, and before Kurt’s break is over, Sebastian has plans to meet Kurt at the store when his shift ends.
Kurt’s still working when Sebastian arrives a few minutes before the store closes, but when he notices Sebastian, he gives him a smile and a cheerful wave. All of the worry and doubt Sebastian’s been carrying for the past few days melts away when he sees how happy Kurt is to see him. It’s clear that Kurt got the flowers, saw the message, and was won over by it. Somehow, against all odds, Sebastian had done this right.
It’s another 20 minutes before Kurt’s actually ready to leave, but Sebastian had expected that. Kurt can never leave right when the store closes, but Sebastian hadn’t wanted to risk making Kurt wait even one minute. Not tonight, when it’s so important to get this right.
Kurt eventually reappears from the back of the store, juggling his bag and a large bouquet of flowers. Sebastian had to admit that Hunter had done a good job in selecting them. He didn’t know flowers well enough to identify the various kinds in the bouquet, but the colors all looked nice together, at least.
“Sorry,” Kurt says, giving Sebastian a small smile. “The store was a mess.”
“It’s fine, I was a little early.”
“And sorry about not getting in touch with you the other night,” Kurt continues. “I should have replied to your text, but… well, you know how long I can hold on to grudges.”
“I do. I’m lucky you’re even talking to me today. But, um, I’m guessing the flowers had something to do with that, huh?”
Kurt gives Sebastian a strange look. “I… guess? In a sort of roundabout way?”
“Roundabout?” Sebastian echoes. That didn’t make a lot of sense. The note attached had been really straightforward.
Kurt still looks as confused as Sebastian feels. “Well, yeah. I mean, I guess the flowers improved my mood a lot. I’ve been so grumpy all week, after what happened with you, and the awful date I had last night with Jordan. I would have called you eventually, though, even without the flowers boosting my mood.”
It’s a little disheartening that Kurt is only attributing the flowers with improving his mood and not, say, making him fall madly in love with Sebastian and agreeing to date him exclusively starting right this very moment, but at least Kurt is happy and talking to him, which is a big step forward from yesterday.
“So… your date didn’t go well?”
Kurt groans. “God, it was awful. He was so rude, and we got into a fight, and I was 100% convinced I’d never even talk to him again, but then I got the flowers, and the note was so sweet that I-”
“Wait, wait,” Sebastian interrupts. “What do the flowers have to do with Jordan?”
Kurt frowns. “Um, he sent them?”
“No, he didn’t. He couldn’t have,” insists Sebastian. That would be too much of a coincidence. “Did you even read the note?”
Kurt laughs. “You don’t even know him, Sebastian. And of course I read the note! I just told you it was really sweet. He apologized for his behavior and said he really wanted a second chance, and he thought we could be really good together.”
That’s my note! Sebastian wants to scream, but he holds back. “You… read the note carefully?”
“I read it very carefully,” Kurt says, narrowing his eyes. “I’m not sure why you care so much.”
“Sorry, I’m just curious.” Was it possible that Jordan had sent Kurt flowers on the very same day with a very similar note? And if so, what had happened to Sebastian’s flowers? None of this made any sense. Sebastian tried to get a look at the note still tucked in with the flowers, but there was no way to do it without making himself obvious to Kurt. “Are you ready to get going?”
“Yeah, sure.” They start heading to the exit, but Kurt stops after a few steps and curses. “I think I forgot my phone in the break room, let me run and grab it.”
“Okay,” Sebastian says. “I can hold the flowers, you don’t need to lug those back there.”
Kurt smiles and hands the arrangement over to Sebastian. “Thanks! I’ll be right back.”
“No problem,” Sebastian replies, returning Kurt’s smile and waiting for him to disappear into the back door. Once Kurt is out of sight, Sebastian grabs the envelope and pulls out the note inside, giving it a quick read-through. It’s his note, definitely, but there’s no name on it anywhere. It’s addressed to Kurt but not signed at all, and of course, of course, Kurt would assume it’s from the random asshole he went on one date with and not the guy who’s spent the past six months falling in love with him. It’s yet another blow to Sebastian’s ego in a week that’s already been difficult, knowing that Kurt thinks so little of what he shared with Sebastian that he didn’t even consider the idea that the flowers and note might be from him. But that’s Sebastian’s fault, not Kurt’s, and it’s Hunter’s fault for not getting the flowers right. Hunter, or maybe Javier The Flawless Flower Guy. Sebastian’s going to kill both of them.
He puts on a brave face for the rest of his evening with Kurt. They grab a quick meal and exchange more apologies for what happened on Wednesday. Kurt admits he should have given Sebastian more warning, Sebastian says his reaction was terrible no matter what, and throwing away their friendship over one fight would be idiotic. He also finds out, through some stealth questioning techniques, that Jordan, when thanked by Kurt for the flowers earlier in the day, had actually claimed them as his own gift instead of correcting Kurt. Sebastian adds Jordan to his hit list and tries not to make it obvious how pissed off he is.
He gives no such treatment to Hunter later that evening when he returns to his apartment to find his roommate watching TV on the couch. Sebastian smacks the back of his head with as much force as can be determined non-injurious, and takes pleasure in Hunter’s cry of pain.
“What the fuck?” Hunter says, turning around to face him.
“You said Javier never fucked up!”
Hunter frowns. “He fucked up?”
“My name wasn’t on that note! Kurt thought they were from that guy he went out with last night, who also somehow pissed him off, and that asshole didn’t correct Kurt and say he didn’t send them!”
“Well, what did Kurt say when you told him they were from you?”
“I didn’t tell him that! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would be?”
Hunter shakes his head. “God, what am I going to do with you?”
“This isn’t my fault,” Sebastian insists, coming around to the front of the couch and flopping down next to Hunter. “It’s yours, and Javier’s, and Jordan’s.”
Hunter looks amused at the amount of vitriol packed into Sebastian’s last word. “Don’t bring Javier into this, dude. I’m sure if your name wasn’t on the note, it’s because you never signed the letter.”
“Well, I was sort of in a rush! You gave me a deadline!”
“I just don’t understand the big deal,” Hunter says. “Tell Kurt they’re from you and that Jordan lied.”
“And why would he believe me over the dreamy guy who bought him flowers? It never even crossed his mind that they could have been from me, Hunter.”
Hunter’s quiet for a moment. “Okay, well, plan B. You’ll-”
“No plan B,” Sebastian interrupts. “It’s over. Kurt and I are just friends, and he’s going to marry some asshole who takes credit for other people’s fake romantic gestures, and I’ll just have to deal with that.”
Hunter looks like he wants to protest, but Sebastian shoots him a warning look, so he just sighs. “Fine, whatever you want. I’m sorry the flower thing didn’t work out. You can blow me if it will make you feel better.” He gestures toward his crotch and lifts a suggestive eyebrow, and Sebastian thinks he’s probably going to keep Hunter on his hit list for a little bit longer.
-
Even though Sebastian has actually been “just friends” with Kurt for a really long time, knowing that they’re just friends makes all of their interactions a bit painful. Kurt’s still wonderful and attractive and kind even when they’re not sleeping together, and knowing that he can’t kiss Kurt even in the privacy of the bedroom anymore is difficult to deal with. They see each other less, too, without their Wednesday and Saturday dates. Kurt’s Saturdays are spent with Jordan now, and some Wednesdays, too, so Kurt and Sebastian’s plans are more spontaneous these days, whenever Kurt has a few free hours to grab coffee. Sebastian drops everything whenever Kurt sends a text asking him to hang out, and he knows how pathetic that is before Hunter tells him.
“You either have to get over it or ask him out,” Hunter calls after him one night about a month into Kurt and Jordan’s relationship. “You got blood all over the bathroom yesterday trying to shave in three minutes after he texted you asking if you were free. I don’t enjoying cleaning up blood, Sebastian.”
“If I hire a maid, will that make you shut up?”
Hunter considers this. “For a little while, if she’s hot.”
“Look I don’t have time to talk right now, okay? I have to go.”
“Let me guess, Kurt’s waiting?”
“Later, Hunter!”
-
“You seem stressed lately,” Kurt says a few days later as they sit across from each other at Starbucks, his concerned eyes searching Sebastian’s. “Is everything okay?”
“Fine. Just, you know. School stuff.”
Kurt frowns. “Yeah, I was surprised you were free, I know you had that paper you were working on.”
“Finished it this morning,” Sebastian lies, trying not to panic at the reminder of the semester-long assignment he’s barely started that’s due at the end of week.
“Oooh, congratulations! What are you going to do this evening with your newfound freedom?”
“Um, catch up on sleep, I guess. What about you? Any exciting plans tonight?”
Kurt shrugs. “Just an early dinner with Jordan. I’m meeting him in a little while. We’re going to that new place by campus, Lord’s. It’s supposed to be good.”
As usual, the conversation becomes awkward and stilted as soon as Jordan’s name is brought up, and they part after just a few more minutes. Sebastian is starting to wonder when Kurt will just end this sad attempt at friendship.
Hunter’s standing in the living room with a well-dressed stranger when Sebastian gets back to his apartment about 20 minutes later.
“Hi,” Sebastian says, confused. Hunter has male friends, but they rarely hang out here. “Who’s your friend?”
“Your friend,” Hunter corrects him. “Sebastian, this is… Jack?” He looks to the other man for confirmation and gets a small nod. “Jack! He’s here to take you on a date!”
“Not interested,” Sebastian says, rolling his eyes. He should have known it would only be a matter of time before Hunter tried to set him up with someone new, someone whose name he barely knew. “I have a paper to write.”
“You have a hot guy to go out with,” Hunter insists, giving Jack a shove forward. “Or maybe just… stay in with, whatever!”
“Jesus, Hunter!” Sebastian gives Jack an apologetic look, but the man doesn’t look surprised at all, and a horrible realization sets in. “Are you paying this guy? Is he an escort?”
“Does it matter?” Hunter asks.
Sebastian groans. “You know what? It really doesn’t, because I’m not going out either way.” He turns to Jack to apologize and tell him his services won’t be needed tonight, but before he can speak, he’s struck by how much Jack’s chestnut hair, lithe body, and expressive eyes remind him of Kurt. He turns back to Hunter, mouth agape. “Did you pick him because he vaguely resembles Kurt?”
Hunter grins proudly. “Noticed that, huh? I guess that means I chose wisely. And I’ve never even met Kurt, only seen pictures! Anyway, have a nice evening, guys. I’m going out with Katie, and I won’t be back ‘til very, very late.” He gives Sebastian a knowing wink, hands him a credit card, and disappears out the door before Sebastian can think of anything to say.
“We’re not going out,” he tells Jack after a minute. “And we’re definitely not fucking. I’m not interested, sorry. Did he… pay you already?” He wonders if that’s what the credit card is for.
“He did,” Jack replies. “But he also promised me you’d buy me dinner. And he said I shouldn’t let you kick me out if I can help it.”
Sebastian frowns and is about to ask how much money it will take to get Jack out of here when he remembers that Kurt is out having dinner with Jordan at Lord’s. They’re out having dinner and Sebastian knows where they are and he has the opportunity to show up there and finally get a look at this lying asshole who stole Kurt away from him, and he won’t even look like a creep if he gets caught, since he’ll have a date.
“Okay, you’ve convinced me,” he tells Jack. “I know just the place we can go.”
-
It’s not the best idea Sebastian’s ever had.
The food’s good enough, but Jack isn’t a great conversationalist. Kurt and Jordan arrive a few minutes after Sebastian and Jack and are seated across the room, but they’re close enough for Sebastian to see that Jordan is really attractive. He’d sort of been hoping Jordan would look like a troll.
“That’s who you think I look like?” Jack asks, craning his neck to get a look at the couple. “The brunet? Oh, he wishes.”
“Shut up,” Sebastian snaps. “And stop being so obvious, Kurt’s going to notice!”
Jack turns back to Sebastian, confused. “Isn’t that the point? You want to make your ex jealous by having him see you with a date?”
“He’s not my ex. I just… wanted to see the guy he’s dating, and… make sure he’s treating Kurt right.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Jack’s eyes are filled with pity. “You should tell him how you feel.”
Sebastian sighs. He considers denying that he has feelings for Kurt at all, but there’s really no point. He’s never going to see Jack again, so he might as well be honest. Maybe it will feel better to talk about it. “I tried that. It didn’t go well. I missed my chance.”
“Well, there’s no reason to torture yourself, then,” Jack says. “Why don’t you just pay for our drinks, and then we’ll get out of here?”
“I’m really not going to sleep with you. No offense or anything, I just-”
Jack rolls his eyes. “I was going to suggest we go eat somewhere else where you don’t have to watch the guy you’re obsessed with be all romantic with someone who’s not you.”
Sebastian glances over at Kurt again, watches him smile and duck his head at something Jordan says. “I suppose that’s not a terrible idea.”
“Ice cream works wonders in situations like these,” Jack says. “There’s a great place right across the street.”
-
It’s that night, wandering around the streets near NYADA with an ice cream cone and an escort for company, that Sebastian realizes that this Kurt situation has sent his life spiraling out of control.
“I went to a restaurant just to spy on him!” Sebastian tells Hunter the next morning. “And then I spilled ice cream on my shirt.” He looks down at the chocolate stain on the shirt he still hasn’t changed out of and grimaces. “I think I’ve officially hit rock bottom.”
Hunter doesn’t disagree. “Maybe we should try the wooing thing again,” he says thoughtfully. “I don’t think we gave that enough of a chance.”
“We are not doing anything,” Sebastian says. “I’m going to stop this. No more obsessing about Kurt and his awful, liar of a boyfriend who is far more attractive than he has any right to be. I’m over it.”
“Right,” says Hunter, frowning. “It definitely sounds like you’re over it.”
Sebastian ignores him. “In fact, I’m just going to stop thinking about Kurt at all. No more dropping everything as soon as he texts me! I have better things to do.”
“Sure you do.”
“I’m taking my life back!
“Good for you!” Hunter says, but he still looks doubtful. “So, you would prefer the next escort not look like Kurt, then?”
-
Getting over Kurt is not easy.
Sebastian doesn’t completely cut off all contact with him. They still text, but Sebastian never initiates it, and instead of rushing out to meet Kurt whenever he’s free, Sebastian makes up excuses about schoolwork. They’re not even excuses, really, with how far he’s fallen behind. It’s still hard to say no to Kurt, though, when all he wants to do is say yes. Hunter applauds his willpower, but it’s hard for Sebastian to join in the celebration. It feels terrible when Kurt’s texts start slowing down. Eventually, Sebastian thinks they probably won’t talk at all, and Kurt’s warm smile and biting sarcasm will just be distant memories. Sebastian hopes it won’t come to that, though, hopes that at some point he’ll be able to deal with being Kurt’s friend without it hurting this much. It would be too hard to accept, after already giving up sharing Kurt’s bed, soaking up his warmth, being kissed until his lips were swollen.
-
When Kurt corners him in the campus library, it’s been four days since Sebastian has returned a text. It’s the longest stretch he’s managed yet, and Sebastian’s pretty proud of himself. There should be a support group for this. It would be nice to get a four day Kurt-free chip. Anything to make him feel like this wasn’t as wrong as it felt.
Seeing Kurt drop into the seat beside him is a bit startling. This isn’t even Kurt’s school, after all, and he can only ever remember bringing Kurt here once when he needed to make last minute copies and they were in the neighborhood. Just one look at him proves that the Kurt deprogramming Sebastian has been trying to do has as yet been unsuccessful. Kurt looks gorgeous, even wearing his rehearsal sweats and an angry expression. The sight thrills Sebastian, speeds up his heart rate, but it hurts, too. Maybe it will never stop hurting.
“Look, I know you’re mad at me for some reason, but I really need someone to talk to,” Kurt says by way of greeting. “Someone who is not completely enamored with that asshole I’ve been dating, and since the rest of my friends seem to be obsessed with my relationship with him, that leaves you.”
Sebastian perks up a little in spite of himself. He’s not going to go after Kurt, of course, but still… this sounds promising, except for the part where Kurt thinks Sebastian’s mad at him.
“I’m not mad at you.”
Kurt raises an eyebrow. “No? Because you never want to hang out anymore, and when you can be bothered to reply to my texts, it’s always a one or two word response.”
“I’ve been busy,” Sebastian says, avoiding Kurt’s eyes.
“Bullshit.”
“It’s the truth. What are you even doing here?” Sebastian’s desperate to change the subject, and eventually get to the part where Kurt starts calling Jordan an asshole again.
“I really needed someone to vent to, and you weren’t answering my messages, and then I realized you hadn’t even done one of your annoying little non-replies in a few days, so I called your roommate, and-”
“You called Hunter? You don’t even know him!” Sebastian interrupts, starting to panic. Nothing good could come from Kurt talking to Hunter. Hunter knew far too much. “What did he tell you?”
Kurt looks taken aback. “Just that you were here.”
“That’s a terrible invasion of my privacy!” Sebastian snaps, trying to get his breathing back under control now that he knows no real damage has been done. “How did you even get his number?”
“Remember when he hooked up with Candace last year? She still had it. Jesus, Sebastian, I didn’t do anything creepy. I wasn’t spying on you.”
“I don’t care. You shouldn’t have called him.”
“What was I supposed to do?” Kurt shoots back. “You could have been dead, for all I know. You hadn’t talked to me in days!”
Sebastian sighs. This is not going well. “Like I said, I’ve been busy. I fell really behind on schoolwork, and-”
“And you’re sitting here in the library watching cat videos on Youtube,” Kurt says drily. “Did you think I didn’t see?”
“And that’s why I’m so behind, probably,” Sebastian says, offering Kurt a small smile, which seems to break the tension. Kurt returns the smile, shaking his head.
“Probably, yeah. I’m sorry I came here, I honestly was just worried, and-”
“It’s fine. I was being an asshole. Speaking of which… you wanted to discuss Jordan?”
The joke doesn’t amuse Kurt. His face tightens again, twisting into a scowl. “Yeah, but can we do it elsewhere? We’re already getting the evil eye from the girl at the next table.”
They head to the lounge in the lecture hall next door, and as soon as they’re seated, Kurt needs no prompting to tell his story about Jordan. Sebastian, knowing Kurt’s tendency toward the dramatic, had been expecting something fairly tame - a missed date or an offensive comment - and when Kurt explains that he’s just found out Jordan has a live-in boyfriend, Sebastian is shocked.
“They’ve been together four years, can you believe it?” Kurt seethes. “And the poor guy doesn’t even know! They’re practically engaged, and… God, I’m a homewrecker!”
“You didn’t know, though,” Sebastian points out.
“No, but I should have figured it out.”
“You dumped him?”
“Of course! We had a lunch date today, so I made sure to humiliate him in public.”
“Well, then you’ve done your part,” Sebastian says with a shrug. “I’m sorry he did that to you. I know you really liked him.”
“I could barely stand him, actually,” Kurt admits. “He’s arrogant and rude and has no regard for other people’s feelings. I knew that after one date with him.”
Sebastian frowns. “Then why the fuck did you keep dating him? It’s been almost two months!”
“I shouldn’t have. I should have never called him back after that first date, but…” Kurt sighs. “Then he sent those flowers and talked about how much he wanted to be with me. I thought he deserved a chance.”
Sebastian’s heart sinks at the mention of the flowers. “You really dated a guy you didn’t like for that long just because he sent you flowers?” It’s more confirmation of what Sebastian has already figured out - Kurt values romantic gestures too much for the two of them to ever really work as a couple.
“I thought about dumping him a few times, but whenever I mentioned it to anyone, they acted like that was a horrible idea.”
“You should have asked me,” Sebastian says. “I would have been honest.” Even as he says the words, he’s not sure they’re true. He might have jumped at any opportunity to encourage an already doubtful Kurt to sever ties with Jordan, but only because of his jealousy. Sebastian’s only honest when it suits him, and his dishonesty is what got Kurt into this mess in the first place. “Why does everyone like him so much?”
Kurt shrugs. “I don’t think it’s that they like him, really, they were just really adamant about me dating someone to help me get over… um, to help me feel better about myself. Because I haven’t really had a boyfriend in a while, you know?” He lets out a sigh and slumps back into his seat. “I didn’t even like him, and it’s ridiculous that I’m this upset. I mean, I’m relieved, too, because it’s over, but I just wish I didn’t have to find out he’d been lying to me the whole time. How can people do that? Just… lie, and fuck around with other people’s feelings, like it doesn’t mean anything?”
“I, uh… I don’t know,” Sebastian says, swallowing nervously. The guilt is really starting to get to him now, as it becomes clear that most of Kurt’s distress can be traced back to Sebastian. Sebastian, who wasn’t what Kurt needed in a partner, who tried to be romantic and then lied about it to save himself from embarrassment after the miscommunication. If he had just told Kurt the truth that day at the store, owned up to sending the bouquet and writing that note, this wouldn’t have happened. Sebastian probably would have had to face horrible rejection, but Kurt wouldn’t have kept things up with a guy who ended up being such a dick. God, and Sebastian knew the guy was a liar, and instead of telling Kurt right then and stopping this whole mess before it started, he’d joined right in on the deception. He was worse than Jordan, though, because Jordan was just some guy who wanted to mess around on his live-in boyfriend. He didn’t know or care about Kurt, not really, but Sebastian was Kurt’s friend.
“I mean, I understand if he wanted to keep me around, but enough to send those flowers? Why even bother? It doesn’t make sense!”
There’s no way to make this right, not really, but if admitting the truth will make Kurt feel a little better, Sebastian knows he has no choice. He takes a deep breath. “It doesn’t make sense because Jordan didn’t send the flowers.”
Kurt lifts his gaze to meet Sebastian’s. “What?”
“I sent them,” Sebastian says, looking away. “There was some problem and my name wasn’t on the note anywhere, which I completely blame Hunter for, but… they were from me.”
“Jordan didn’t send the flowers,” Kurt repeats.
“No.”
“But he let me think he did? You let me think he did?”
“Kurt, by the time I talked to you, he had already taken credit for them. I didn’t want to-”
“Oh my god,” Kurt says, his voice muffled as he buries his face in his hands. “I must have seemed like such an idiot! Why did you let me do that?!”
“You already thought they were from him! I didn’t know what to do. It would have been my word against his, and you never even considered they might be from me.”
Kurt stares at him. “You sent me flowers,” he says after a moment. “You wrote that note.”
“Yeah…” Sebastian says, not sure where this is going.
“Why would you do that?”
Sebastian shrugs and looks down. “You read the note, didn’t you?”
“You… you want to date me?”
Sebastian huffs out a humorless laugh. If he’s being honest, he might as well tell the whole embarrassing story. “I thought we were dating, until that day you told me you had a date with some other guy.”
Kurt looks stunned. “What? But… ” He trails off, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “You’re being serious, right?”
“Dead serious.”
“But how is that possible?” Kurt demands. “I mean… we never called each other boyfriends.”
“I did,” Sebastian replies.
“You did not!”
“Not to you, but to other people!”
“Other people thought we were dating, too?”
“Not anyone you know,” Sebastian mumbles. “Can we just skip the part where you mock me mercilessly for being such an idiot and pretend this never happened? Hunter took care of that already, I know I was stupid. I just wanted to tell you that guy didn’t send them so you’d stop dwelling on it.”
Kurt bites his lip and stares at Sebastian with a mixture of sympathy and confusion. “I wasn’t going to mock you,” he says after a moment, his voice soft. “I just… I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You thought we were in a relationship? I’ve never even met your roommate. Today was the first time I’ve ever spoken to him.”
“That’s because I only had you come over when he wasn’t around, so we could…” Sebastian stops when he realizes the point Kurt’s trying to make. “Look, I get it, okay? I know it was a stupid thing to think, and we were never anything more than that, and-”
“No,” Kurt interrupts. “No, sometimes it felt like more than that. I guess it wasn’t a totally insane thing to assume.”
Sebastian snorts. “Wow, thanks.”
Kurt gives him a small smile. “Anytime.” He sighs, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you felt that way. I’m just… totally shocked. I mean, Blaine mentioned something awhile ago about you calling him, but he was drunk and rambling…” Kurt meets Sebastian’s eye again. “You never answered my question. Do you want to date me? Because we should do that. We should go out on a date.”
Sebastian’s jaw drops. “Um…”
“Because we’re really great together, even though you’re an asshole sometimes, and you deserve a second chance. We both deserve that.”
It takes a second for Sebastian to realize that Kurt’s paraphrasing his note. Kurt’s smiling, and Sebastian wishes he could smile back and accept the offer, but now that the thing he’s wanted so desperately for the past two months is being dangled in front of him, it’s suddenly not so easy to accept. It would be a disaster, dating Kurt, because Sebastian just isn’t built for it. He’d fuck it up and lose not only a boyfriend but one of the most important people in his life. It would be even worse than what happened with Blaine last year, because Blaine was a good friend, but Kurt feels like everything.
“You don’t want to date me,” Sebastian says. “Up until five minutes ago, you thought someone else sent you those flowers, and you dated him for two months because of it, but you never even suspected it could have been me at all. And you were right to think that, because I’d have to fake romance all the time.” Sebastian sighs. “You want to date someone who will actually send you flowers, not do it just because their roommate tells them to. You have no idea how much I want to be that person, Kurt. I’m just… not.”
“This has nothing to do with flowers, Sebastian. I mean, they were gorgeous, but the note was what was important to me. Was the stuff you said true?”
“Of course it was true.”
Kurt smiles. “So what’s the issue then?”
Sebastian’s resolve is starting to fade, but he knows that anything that feels like it’s too good to be true probably is. “You broke up with someone today, it’s not really a great time for you to be-”
“Sebastian,” Kurt says firmly. “I broke up with someone I dated casually for a few months. I didn’t like him at all.”
“And yet you dated him for two months because you thought he wrote you a nice note? That’s the issue, Kurt. You want stuff like that, romantic gestures, and someone who will, like, kiss your hand, and-”
Kurt lets out a sigh of frustration and cuts him off. “Kiss my hand? What are you even talking about? I only started dating him in the first place because I was getting so hung up on you! I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better when I said it was starting to feel like a relationship. It was, and I was getting a little too attached to the idea, and instead of talking to you about it so we could sort things out, I decided to distance myself so I didn’t get hurt. But now that I know… I want to take you out on a date, so if that’s something you’re still interested in, then you should let me.”
Sebastian’s stunned into silence after the speech, his brain working rapidly to process the new turn of events. Kurt likes him, Kurt wants to date him, Kurt liked him even before, Sebastian hadn’t been completely wrong, Sebastian hadn’t been the only one who lied.
“And you were going to let me take the fall for this whole misunderstanding,” is the first thing he can think to say.
Kurt lets out a startled laugh. “Well, yeah, if I could’ve gotten away with it and still gotten you to say yes, sure,” he teases. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same.” When Sebastian doesn’t immediately respond, Kurt frowns. “I’m joking, you know that, right? Sebastian?”
“Sorry,” Sebastian says, shaking his head as if to physically clear away his doubts. “I just sort of feel like I have whiplash or something.”
Kurt cocks his head to one side, confused. “Whiplash?”
“Yeah, like. Emotional whiplash, or something.” Sebastian’s cheeks start to redden. “Sorry, it’s just been a weird few months. But, um. We should go on a date,” he says, trying to sound decisive, even though the idea still sounds slightly terrifying. “I’d like that.”
“Okay.” Kurt doesn’t seem totally convinced by Sebastian’s efforts, but he doesn’t question him. “Are you free Friday night? I could pick you up at your place around seven?”
“Sure.”
Kurt grins. “Great. I should really get going now. I only had a few hours in between classes, but I wanted to make sure I saw you, especially since I finally had an exact location.”
They both stand up, and after Kurt says “I’ll call you later,” Sebastian starts to lean forward a bit unconsciously. It’s like his body knows he’s allowed to kiss Kurt again and doesn’t want to wait one more second. Sebastian catches himself just in time, though, and jerks himself back. They’re not dating yet, they’re just going on a date, that’s all. Sebastian doesn’t want to mess this up. He wants to do things just how Kurt wants them done.
There’s a brief flash of confusion and hurt in Kurt’s eyes after Sebastian’s abrupt change of heart, but he covers them quickly with another smile. “Enjoy your cat videos.”
Sebastian laughs in spite of himself. “Thanks. Have fun in class.”
Kurt’s still smiling as he walks away, giving Sebastian a small wave before he reaches the building’s exit and walks outside.
-
As Friday approaches, Sebastian fear does not abate. The longer he waits for his nerves to subside, the more panicked he feels. It’s worse than before, now that Sebastian knows that the whole time he thought they were together, Kurt was hurting because he wanted them to be but thought it would never happen. Sebastian hadn’t even been able to convince a Kurt who wanted to date him that they were in a relationship. It had been easier to accept when Sebastian assumed that Kurt just wasn’t interested. Now more than ever, Sebastian knows that he needs to prove something on this date, completely change the way Kurt seems him.
They’ve gone back to regularly exchanging texts again, and Kurt offers up some suggestions on what to do Friday night, but Sebastian rejects the first few. Getting coffee or hanging out at one of their apartments is something they would have done before, and it’s not going to work if Sebastian’s really trying to convince Kurt that they could actually work as a couple. Eventually, they agree on having dinner at a restaurant in Sebastian’s neighborhood that Kurt likes but Sebastian’s never been to. Kurt takes care of the reservations and tells Sebastian there’s a dress code, so he has to dress nice.
By the time Friday night arrives and Sebastian’s showered, dressed, and sitting in his living room with Hunter waiting for Kurt, he’sworked himself up into a panic.
“This was such a stupid idea,” he mutters to himself as he taps his foot rapidly against the against the floor. “Why would I agree to a date?”
“Is that a rhetorical question? Because if it’s not, I definitely know the answer,” Hunter replies. “You love him and you want to date him and marry him and, pending scientific advances, birth his children. Cheer up, Sebastian. This is the first date both of you actually know you’re on! And if you need any tips on how to get him into the bedroom, I-”
“No more tips from you,” Sebastian snaps. “Your advice sucks.”
“My advice got you your man, asshole,” Hunter replies. “He fucking loved those flowers. It’s not my fault you waited two months to actually tell him they were from you.”
The date starts off well enough, despite Sebastian’s nerves. Kurt and Hunter finally get to meet, and Kurt doesn’t seem terribly put off by him, which is encouraging. Kurt’s in a good mood, buzzing with energy and smiling. He takes Sebastian’s hand as they walk to the restaurant and doesn’t comment on how gross and sweaty it must be. He chatters on about work and school and accepts Sebastian’s nervous smiles and short replies.
By the time their meal is drawing to a close, Sebastian knows he’s failing. Kurt’s still trying to engage him, but his smile has dimmed significantly since the start of the evening.Sebastian has shot down every topic of conversation that could possibly remind Kurt of the time before, when they were together but not really dating. First dates are for getting to know each other, this much Sebastian knows, so he tries to steer the conversation in that direction, asking Kurt about minor life details that haven’t been shared yet. The conversation is stilted and awkward, and Sebastian has never felt less like Kurt’s boyfriend.
“Are you okay?” Kurt finally asks Sebastian after they’ve refused the waiter’s offer of a dessert menu. “You seem… upset.”
“I’m fine,” Sebastian lies, but the disappointment on Kurt’s face makes him reconsider. “I’m a little nervous,” he amends. “This isn’t easy for me.”
Kurt cocks his head to one side. “Eating dinner with me?”
“Being on a date.”
“You don’t have to be nervous,” Kurt assures him with a smile. “It’s just me.” He reaches across the table to take Sebastian’s hand and give it a squeeze, and while Sebastian appreciates the contact, it doesn’t make him feel any better. He bites his tongue to stop himself from a sarcastic remark about how that sentiment is truly unhelpful. Kurt isn’t just anyone, he’s the person Sebastian’s been dreaming about for the better part of year, who he finally has the chance to be with for real, if he can just get this right. It’s a lot of pressure.
“Anyway,” Kurt continues, “I know some good news that might do wonders for your nerves.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. Rachel is gone for the night, so we can go back to my apartment and have the total privacy required to end this date correctly.”
Sebastian is a little shocked that Kurt’s still interested in sleeping with him after how awful this evening has been thus far, and frankly, it doesn’t really sound like romantic first date material. Sebastian had resolved himself to ending this evening with a kiss, if Kurt allowed it. He misses being with Kurt more than he can describe, but immediately reverting back to the comfort of their former relationship that had ended up hurting both of them doesn’t seem like a smart thing to do.
“Do you normally sleep with people on first dates?” Sebastian asks. It’s an honest question, because he doesn’t know much about the intricacies of Kurt’s sex life beyond what happened between the two of them. When Kurt narrows his eyes and takes his hand back, Sebastian knows he’s said the wrong thing.
“Does that matter?”
“Kind of.”
“Yeah? Because it sort of sounds like you’re trying to imply something about me, and I don’t care for it. When and how often I’ve slept with people who aren’t you isn’t your business at all.”
“Jesus, Kurt, I wasn’t trying to imply anything, relax.”
“Then why were you asking? Why does it matter?”
Sebastian sighs. “Because this is technically our first date, and I don’t think we should treat it any differently just because we… have a history. I want to date you for real, and follow the normal progression, and-”
“We’re dating for real whether we sleep together tonight or if we wait for three dates, or if we never do it at all,” Kurt says. “I generally don’t sleep with guys on the first date, no, but I’m not normally dating a guy I’ve known for years who I’m comfortable with and really like, and who I know really likes me, and have already slept with more times than I can count.” He pauses to take a calming breath, then meets Sebastian’s eye again. “There isn’t a normal for dating. I don’t care if you’re not interested in sleeping with me right now, that’s fine. Just… don’t think that you can’t because of some weird dating rules you think you have to follow. We have the benefit of not having to do that early relationship getting to know each other stuff, where everyone tries to show off their best selves and hide all the bad stuff. We know each other already.”
There’s a warmth starting to pool in Sebastian’s stomach at Kurt’s words, but he can’t help but put up a weak argument. “But we don’t know each other in a relationship. I don’t even know if can do it, all that romance shit, I-”
“Oh my god,” Kurt groans, dropping his head into his arms on the table. “I swear, if you bring up ‘romance’ one more time I am going to dump you. I don’t understand. You thought we were dating before, but you never worried about stuff like that, so why does it concern you so much now?”
“Because we weren’t dating then.” Sebastian breaks eye contact, trying not to let Kurt see how much the reminder of that realization hurts. “I thought things were great, and then one day I found out they weren’t at all.”
“Oh,” Kurt says softly. “Sebastian.” He waits for Sebastian to look at him again before he continues. “Things were great. We just screwed everything up by not talking about it. We’re talking now, though, and being honest, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And since we’re being honest, I can tell you that I like you without over-the-top romantic gestures. You pretending to be someone you’re not sort of defeats the whole purpose of me dating you. We’re never going to have a perfect Disney romance. I think we said goodbye to that after the incident when Rachel’s dad was over.”
Sebastian can’t help but laugh, remembering the night they’d expected to have the loft to themselves, since it was a Wednesday, but Leroy had dropped by unannounced to surprise Rachel. Once he’d called her to tell her he was in town, he’d collapsed onto the couch and turned on the television, but it hadn’t stopped Sebastian from fucking Kurt into the mattress just on the other side of the curtain blocking off his sleeping area.
“That was a good night,” Sebastian says.
“It was.” Kurt smirks. “But I think we can top it.”
They’re interrupted by the waiter bringing them the check, and they don’t return to the same line of conversation after, but Sebastian is a bit more relaxed on their walk back to his apartment. Kurt holds his hand again, swinging their arms between them, and he doesn’t bring up his own apartment being empty again, but he kisses Sebastian when they reach the door. It’s quick and chaste, but feeling Kurt’s lips on his again does wonders to erase the doubts and nerves he’s been struggling with since Kurt asked him out. His life has been a mess ever since the revelation that Kurt wasn’t actually his boyfriend, though, so it shouldn’t be surprising that it feels so wonderful and freeing to have this connection again. When Kurt pulls away, he’s grinning, like he knows just how Sebastian feels, and it just makes Sebastian want to kiss him again.
“I had a good time,” Kurt says.
Sebastian means to echo the sentiment, say goodnight, go inside his own apartment and tell Hunter all about the good parts of the date, acting like the bad parts never happened. Instead, he leans forward to press his lips to Kurt’s. It’s different than Kurt’s goodnight kiss the moment before, more demanding and intimate. Kurt responds immediately, parting his lips to grant Sebastian access, and it’s not long before he has Sebastian pressed up against the door. Sebastian whimpers when he Kurt grinds against him, and Kurt breaks the kiss at the sound.
“Sorry,” he says, but he mostly looks amused.
“Hunter’s inside,” is Sebastian’s reply, and it comes out much whinier than he’d intended. “The only reason I’m not inviting you in anyway is that I’m pretty sure he’d enjoy listening far too much.”
Kurt laughs. “Now that sounds like my Sebastian,” he says, closing the distance between their lips to give him a short kiss. “But you’re right, unfortunately. I don’t think I’d be terribly comfortable with that, either. And I’d invite you back to my place, but I don’t know if I could be on a subway with you for that long right now without one of us being arrested for indecent exposure.” He pauses to think. “What about tomorrow? Are you free? Will Hunter be here?”
“I’ll get rid of him,” Sebastian promises. “He’s been working on a paper. I’ll make him go to the library or something.”
“Two o’clock? I have to get some work done myself, and Christine’s doing movie night, but that’s not ‘til eight. And we don’t have to go, if you don’t want, but-”
“No, we should go.” Sebastian had skipped the last one in his quest to avoid Kurt, and he wants to see everyone again. It will be different this time, without the unspoken ‘no PDA’ rule they’d had back when they were sleeping together. Sebastian imagines the possibilities they’ll have now - snuggling close together on the sofa, leaning his head on Kurt’s shoulder, stealing kisses in the kitchen when they’re getting drinks - and he can’t wait. “I have to do a little work, too, but two should be fine. I’ll make sure Hunter’s long gone.”
“Excellent.” Kurt kisses him again and then takes a few steps back, finally detaching himself from Sebastian. “I’ll see you at two, then.”
“Text me when you get home?”
“Of course,” Kurt says. “Good night.”
“Good night,” echoes Sebastian. He doesn’t even pull his keys out of his pocket until Kurt has disappeared into the stairwell, and when he unlocks his door and steps inside, Hunter’s standing close enough for Sebastian to assume he’s been watching through the peephole.
“You’re back!” Hunter exclaims, feigning innocence. “How did it go?”
“It went well,” replies Sebastian. “Really, really well.”
Hunter grins. “So having an actual boyfriend is going to be a lot easier than you thought, then?”
“Yeah,” Sebastian says. He can still feel Kurt’s presence all around him, his fingers and lips tingling while his heart races from arousal, but his mind is calm with the promise of tomorrow. “I think it will be.”