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Chapter Text

The red light of the darkroom shone down on the two of them. It had never looked this vividly red, it hadn’t struck him before just how bright the light was despite being made to seem dim. His head was spinning. His entire body was dizzy, disoriënted, spinning.

Lu Guang looked up at him from where he lay on the floor. He raised his hand up to reach Cheng Xiaoshi’s face with all the strength he had left in his body. It seemed like such a pronounced effort for him that it made Xiaoshi even sicker to his stomach.

“It’s okay.” Lu Guang coughed out. His voice was hoarse, crispy. His hand softly rubbed the side of Cheng Xiaoshi’s face till it couldn’t anymore and fell to his hand. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed ahold of and then squeezed Lu Guang’s bloodied hand with both of his, trembling as he swore he could feel them getting colder. His tears fell and hit the ground with a definite splat.

“You’re alive, so it’s okay. Just keep living.” his grip on Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands weakened. Xiaoshi looked him in the eyes, only for him to shut them in the face of that. “I just wish I’d had more time with you…”

“Lu Guang, don’t close your eyes—!” he picked up Lu Guang’s other side and hovered over him to make sure he was still breathing. All he got was blood all over his jacket and the devastating answer that Lu Guang’s heart was now beating much faster than it should be. He couldn’t lose Lu Guang so soon after losing Qiao Ling, too.

Lu Guang didn’t open his eyes again, his head fell to the side a minute later and quite nearly hit the ground, but Xiaoshi didn’t let it. He clutched onto Lu Guang’s hand tighter than he had before, though he couldn’t help the slow realisation that Lu Guang wasn’t holding his hand back anymore.

A strange feeling then rushed over him, one that made him more nauseous than he already was. He wasn’t completely sure what he was seeing, but images of their dives flashed through his mind, images of himself diving through other people.

Was this what Lu Guang saw? Why was he seeing this now? He moved back over on top of Lu Guang and pulled his eyelid back up to try and look at him. His eye shone bright blue, but was locked into place. It wasn’t looking at Cheng Xiaoshi. He stared as the glow of his eyes faded slowly before they returned to his regular grey.

Xiaoshi’s eyes widened and unfocused. “Lu Guang.” he called. “Lu Guang…” he hoped for any kind of response, a sign, but it didn’t come. A quick touch to Lu Guang’s neck told him that it wouldn’t come. He collapsed over his body, still holding him just a bit above the ground. His tears soaked the fabric of Lu Guang’s shirt below him and wouldn’t stop pouring.

It wasn’t pretty, he knew it wasn’t pretty. He didn’t care to think about how disgusting he felt, he didn’t care to think about anything but the person slowly losing consciousness below him. But he realised after crying over him for several dozens of minutes more that Lu Guang was definitely dead, there was no way to save him. There was no way.

I wish I’d had more time with you.

“Me, too.” he sobbed, still clutching the fabric of Lu Guang’s outfit. “I want more time with you, too.”

His hand reached over to Lu Guang’s cheek and lifted his face so he could see him. He didn’t look angry, he didn’t look peaceful, he looked like he was grieving. The thought that Lu Guang was distraught up until his last moment killed him. 

Was Lu Guang unhappy? Of course he was, dying like this would make anyone depressed in their last moments. Lu Guang didn’t deserve to die unhappy, he deserved to die in retirement, in his sleep, when it was time, when he’d be content with it.

Xiaoshi looked around at the photographs which littered the darkroom. Then he looked back at Lu Guang.

He knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but there was no one to stop him anymore. That thought made him want to do it more. Weighing the pros and cons, going back fundamentally meant that he would be putting everyone around them in danger for the sake of attempting to save two people, not going back would mean he’d be living out the rest of his life alone, without the two people most important to him. Going back didn’t have to include killing other people, though. In theory, it was possible to just spend time with them enough until he was satisfied and then leave.

But he wouldn’t be satisfied. He wouldn’t be able to see Lu Guang’s and Qiao Ling’s faces again and be okay leaving them to die again. What could he do? What was he supposed to do?

He stared at Lu Guang’s face again. I wish I’d had more time with you.

Shakily, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, then scrolled down on his photos app to find all the pictures taken back in May, three years ago, Lu Guang’s blood tainting the screen as his finger shakily dragged over it.

When he landed on a picture of him and his basketball friends, taken in the middle of May, he put his phone down on the ground and glanced at Lu Guang’s hand. He first pressed down on his neck again to check for a heartbeat, which he found still wasn’t there. Then he glanced back.

Clapping Lu Guang’s hand now was pointless, he told himself, turning over to look at the picture again. In a daze, the bright light in this already too-bright room made his head hurt. As he mentally prepared himself to dive, he imagined what he’d do if it went wrong. If Lu Guang noticed, if Lu Guang died again. He’d just be trapping himself to go back again and try to get a less-awful outcome.

But was there really a more awful outcome than this?

Lu Guang’s lifeless body laid unmoving beside him. There were a lot of outcomes he’d prefer over this. Maybe it’s worth it.

Disoriënted, tangled in his thoughts, lost in possibilities, Cheng Xiaoshi stared at the one photo he’d brought before him. He stared at it, he studied it, and then he entered it.

“Oh, wait, take another one, my hair got blown out of place by the wind.” someone said from beside him.

“Are you serious? Can we just play the game?” another guy scoffed, then nudged Cheng Xiaoshi in the side. “Xiaoshi?”

“Hm? Yeah.” he turned around and did his best to smile at them, though he probably should’ve waited a bit longer to dive, cause now he could feel the stinging in his eyes returning.

He was on his old college’s basketball court. He was about to play a game of basketball, something he hadn’t done in a fair amount of time, now that he thought about it. This would be fun, he tried really hard to convince himself.

Once on the court, however, he noticed he was sluggish. Whether that was due to the fact he hadn’t played for a while or due to the fact he couldn’t stop his hands and legs from shaking, he wasn’t exactly sure.

Either way, he hoped winning this game against his friends wasn’t an important node, cause under these conditions, it definitely wasn’t happening.

Especially not when he nearly fell over a half-hour into the game when a certain someone walked onto the field, holding a camera in his hands. They locked eyes for a second, before the guy looked away and raised his camera to photograph what looked like a butterfly sitting on the fence.

He couldn’t take his eyes off him, he couldn’t stop looking. He ran around and continued the game as normal, but not without glancing over at the white-haired man every other minute or so, as if he were trying to make sure that he was still there.

And then he got too distracted. Next thing he knew, one of his friends had punted the basketball in his direction by accident and he didn’t have the reflexes to catch it in time. The ball flew by his head and right in the direction of…

“Look out!” he shouted before he knew it, but it was definitely too late. The ball hit Lu Guang square in the face.

He came running up, hearing his friends yelling something at each other about how shitty that pass was. Lu Guang was knocked straight down to the ground where he now laid with his hands covering his face where he was hit.

“Are you okay…?” Xiaoshi worriedly asked, and Lu Guang seemed to stiffen upon hearing his voice. 

“I’m fine.” Lu Guang responded softly and sat up. His voice sounded completely different than it had just an hour ago, Xiaoshi noted. He saw he was crying, and that his nose was red and bleeding. 

Line, Xiaoshi, he scolded himself. “Ah—I can go get the nurse if you—”

“I’m fine.” he repeated, grabbing Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand so he wouldn’t go anywhere, before slowly loosening his grip. “I’m fine.”

He did look really rough, Xiaoshi noticed. He wasn’t used to seeing Lu Guang looking so freaked out, and he wasn’t even sure why. Was he overwhelmed? He picked Lu Guang’s camera up from where it had fallen on the floor.

Line. He had to get used to this. “You’re also a…first year, right? I’m Cheng Xiaoshi, I work at T—the Hero Photo Studio nearby. If there’s anything wrong with your camera, I can take a look at it for you and fix it.”

Ignoring how badly he’d fumbled his line, he handed the camera back to Lu Guang, who took it. He forgot whether Lu Guang was supposed to respond to that or not, but he just stood up when he didn’t and picked the basketball up off the ground. When he turned back around, Lu Guang was standing up already, and he tossed the ball in his direction.

“We’re one player short for a two-v-two, care to join?” he tried to more playfully ask, attempting as best as he could not to appear terrified like he was. Lu Guang smiled softly at the question after he caught the ball.

“Sure.” he quietly responded, dropping his camera down on the side of the court and stepping closer to Cheng Xiaoshi.

“You play pretty well.” he heard after the game. Cheng Xiaoshi was drying himself off with a towel, and he noticed Lu Guang didn’t have a towel of his own.

“Ah, thanks, I’ve been playing basketball in my spare time for years now…” he dug through his bag and found a second, clean towel. “Here.” he offered it to Lu Guang, who wordlessly accepted it, inspected it, and then rubbed his forehead dry. “So…what’s your major?”

“Huh?” he looked up, a little frightened-looking, and then glanced away again. “Chinese. I’m already kinda regretting it, though. Lot of literary history so far, which I don’t find that interesting…”

Xiaoshi chuckled. “Could’ve gone to a sports school. Put your skills to use.”

“I am not that good.” he sighed, bringing the towel to his neck. “And besides, I hate the feeling of sweating, it’s really uncomfortable.”

“But the adrenaline rush is fun, though, right? Makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.”

Lu Guang shook his head. “No, no. Just makes me anxious to have my heart beating so fast.”

“Really? Weird.” he let out so fast before he could think about it. When he did think about it, he cringed, and then told himself it wasn’t that deep. “Which line do you take?”

“Oh, to…go home.” Lu Guang looked around him for a second, like he was unsure. He thought back to his timeline and what he could remember of Lu Guang. Was he always this out of it? He wondered how he hadn’t been diagnosed sooner with how absent he seemed right now. “Line seven.” he then finally answered, letting Cheng Xiaoshi focus back on the conversation and not Lu Guang’s lack of responses.

“You’ll be back here tomorrow, right?” Xiaoshi grinned. “Today was fun, you gotta come again.”

“Oh, yeah, alright. Today was fun. Though my nose still kinda hurts.” he huffed, but his laugh wasn’t quite how Cheng Xiaoshi remembered it.

Was he overwhelmed? Maybe that’s why he seemed more distant than he remembered. He should probably let him go home so he could calm down.

“Uhm…” Lu Guang checked the time on his watch. He put the towel he’d taken back down near Xiaoshi’s bag and zipped up his own bag. “It’s late, so I should go.”

“Oh, wait!” Xiaoshi quickly jumped up as he remembered something. “Let’s exchange WeChats, we can schedule a time.”

“Ah.” Lu Guang nodded as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed Cheng Xiaoshi his QR-code. It was his old profile, he saw once he scanned it. Xiaoshi noted how strange it felt to be adding a profile he knew he couldn’t contact in just a year from now into his phone. But he added him nonetheless, and then closed his phone off and smiled.

“Alright.” he looked up at Lu Guang, who definitely did seem like he wanted to leave. How was he supposed to say goodbye now, though? He didn’t want Lu Guang to leave. He didn’t really have it in him now to watch him go, but he didn’t have it in him to hurt Lu Guang by making him stay, either. “I should go home, too. I promised to have dinner with my sister.” he made up. “But I’ll see you here tomorrow, alright? I’ll be waiting.”

“See you.” Lu Guang nodded again before turning around and walking off. Xiaoshi didn’t really know what to do other than watch. He saw Lu Guang turn back when he reached the end of the court, and waved at him, but he only turned around again and kept walking.

Now Cheng Xiaoshi had to make sure he was likeable. Fuck.

He couldn’t for the life of him remember why Lu Guang had started to be friends with him in the first place. They’d just bonded over basketball, right? All he had to do was play basketball with him a couple more times and then they’d become friends.

Not only that, but he also had to pretend to be depressed again, he was pretty sure. All he remembered of his first year of college before Lu Guang was going to parties a lot with people he didn’t really know and spending a lot of his time alone and thinking about his parents. Was he supposed to revert to that version of himself? Would it change the timeline for him to not be miserable right now?

As if he wasn’t miserable. Becoming depressed again didn’t seem like that difficult of a feat, now as he presently recalled he would, in fact, be going home to an empty studio without Lu Guang there—that was the first time they’d be apart in three years. That, and the fact the Lu Guang he now had to relive the next three years with wasn’t actually the Lu Guang he loved. They didn’t know each other.

I wish I’d had more time with you.

Okay, so what if he didn’t relive the next three years exactly, and focused on making new memories instead, then? That way, he’d be spending “more” time with Lu Guang, building on top of his previous memories. Maybe instead of England, they could go to Spain or something. Did Lu Guang take Spanish? Did they even have Spanish courses? They definitely didn’t. Maybe he should go home and make a travel spreadsheet that ranks each country based on pros and cons. He’d kinda always wanted to go to France or maybe Argentina.

…where was his mind running off to? He sighed as he put the two now-dirty towels back into his bag and started walking to the station to go home.

He must’ve forgotten something, though, because he saw Lu Guang waiting on the platform when he walked up. Trying not to be seen, he sat down on the other end of the platform and made sure he was behind Lu Guang, so there was no chance of being spotted. He was wearing headphones and glancing over at the sign every few seconds like his train couldn’t come fast enough. Cheng Xiaoshi checked, line seven would come in a couple more minutes. Was Lu Guang having a shutdown? He looked immensely nervous.

It was just after rush hour, and it was still relatively busy on the platform. Maybe he was overwhelmed by the amount of people. Xiaoshi noticed him flinch when someone bumped up against him and saw him wiping his face with his hands. He felt bad, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to do when Lu Guang still saw him as a stranger.

He thought about it for so long that the tram came, and Lu Guang disappeared from his sight. His tram came only a couple minutes after, and he left the station too.

The coat rack didn’t have Lu Guang’s coats on it, the walls didn’t feature any of the photographs Lu Guang had taken within the past three years, Lu Guang’s shoes weren’t waiting by the stairs when he went up, Lu Guang’s books weren’t littering their bedroom, Lu Guang wasn’t in his bed, and instead his place was taken by the several boxes Cheng Xiaoshi had stacked up there for storage.

All he did was undress before he plopped down in bed, exhausted. He wanted to tell himself to go to bed, but his mind was still running rampant, and he couldn’t help but think back to earlier that night. His terror, his helplessness, right up until the shot firing off.

He didn’t want to think about it, but the same image of Lu Guang speaking to him before he bled out infected his mind. He hadn’t realised just how stressed he’d been until his head hit his pillow.

He opened up his phone—which now didn’t include any pictures of Lu Guang—and went to his contact to send him a message, confirming he’d actually see him again tomorrow. The message was immediately read, but he didn’t get a response.

Maybe he was coming on too strong. Though he did remember Lu Guang telling him he was happy to have him as a friend, since he had a hard time making friends before that. Wasn’t it totally creepy that he knew so much about Lu Guang now while, to him, he was a total stranger?

Xiaoshi shut his phone off and tried to close his eyes. Just fall asleep, tomorrow you can see him again. What if something had happened to him, though? Lu Guang usually needed assistance from him during a shutdown to help him calm down faster. Had he made a mistake by just letting him go?

…he can’t blame himself, right? It wasn’t really his fault. And he had no way of knowing anyways if Lu Guang was alright now or not. Maybe he was at home now, resting in bed. But maybe he wasn’t. Not that Cheng Xiaoshi, a complete stranger, would be a fit choice to help him through anything. He checked his phone again, but there was no response yet. Maybe Lu Guang wasn’t alright. Goddamnit.

Xiaoshi angrily turned his phone off, turned over and shut his eyes tightly. He was going to fall asleep whether he liked it or not.

…what if Lu Guang would die sooner because of his diving back? He thought about the Lu Guang from his memories, who rarely left the room before him, who smiled when Cheng Xiaoshi hovered over him while he was working to chat, who eventually stopped pushing him away so often when offered a hug. He thought about when he’d see that Lu Guang again. He thought about if he’d see that Lu Guang again.

His hands came to his ears and pressed down, blocking out the sounds of the world around him. He saw Lu Guang doing something similar whenever he was overwhelmed and didn’t have headphones, but to him, the silence was probably worse than hearing the outside noise.

What am I gonna do? the question hung unanswered in his head. He turned around again to look at the bed above him, the bed he knew didn’t have Lu Guang in it, and then shut his eyes permanently for the night.

When morning flitted in through his window, Lu Guang had responded to his message—though at an odd time—and he felt a lot better already, even if Lu Guang wasn’t there to wake up beside him.

“You tired?” Cheng Xiaoshi said after a large sip from his water bottle. They’d been playing for over an hour now, they were definitely due a break.

“...my legs are kinda giving out. I don’t know how you have the strength for this.” Lu Guang responded, now wiping off with his own towel that he’d brought with him. It was afternoon, the sun shone strongly above them.

“I drink a lot to go with it, you should’ve brought water or something…” he shook the liquid in his own water bottle before holding it out to Lu Guang, “Here, have a sip.” he offered.

Lu Guang didn’t reply, he just turned and silently stared at the bottle being offered to him. He definitely didn’t look like he wanted a sip, in fact, he looked like he was coming up with any kind of excuse to not have to drink from that bottle.

Right, I’m a stranger. Xiaoshi casually took it back and took another sip from it. “Actually, there’s a café nearby, we can stop by and get something to drink.”

“Ah, sounds good.” Lu Guang nodded as he neatly folded his towel back up before fitting it into his bag. Cheng Xiaoshi stuffed his towel into his bag as well before pulling his hoodie back on over his sports attire. Lu Guang looked at him like he was a little insane. “How can you wear something like that in such hot weather?”

“Huh? It’s only twenty-five degrees.” Xiaoshi tilted his head. The sun was shining, definitely, but it didn’t really affect him too much. He thinks he understood where Lu Guang was coming from, though, since he remembers him always complaining about heat during the summer months. “Anyways, it’s, like, a ten minute walk, so you don’t have to walk in the sun for too long…”

“Ten minutes…Xiangrikui?” he guessed, and Cheng Xiaoshi nodded as they walked off the field.

“Right, forgot the name. They have good coffee there, good boba too.” he recalled.

Lu Guang shifted as he walked, not looking quite comfortable, but not really uncomfortable either. “Do you drink coffee?” he asked.

“Ah, sometimes.” he looked at Lu Guang a little funny. “My sister drinks it more often, she visits this place a bunch with her friend. I’ve gone with a couple times. They have good snacks, too.”

“Did I, uh…” Lu Guang looked around him somewhat absently. “Did I remember to tell you my name?”

“Huh? You’re Lu Guang, right?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s eye twitched a bit, but Lu Guang wasn’t looking at him to begin with, so it didn’t matter. “I don’t remember if you told me, but it was on your profile.”

“...my…?” he looked Cheng Xiaoshi in the eyes after he’d said that in confusion.

“When you gave me your WeChat.” he filled in, and Lu Guang nodded in understanding.

“Okay. Sorry, I think I was really out of it yesterday…I don’t really remember much of what happened. I forgot I even gave you my WeChat, actually…” he softly chuckled. So a shutdown, then. He was right.

“Did you get home safe?”

“Huh?” Lu Guang caught his gaze again, once more seeming a bit alarmed at Cheng Xiaoshi’s words.

“You…uh, that sounds kinda worrying, doesn’t it? Were you okay?” he tried to specify, but Lu Guang still looked at him like he was insane.

“...yeah? I’m fine.” he seemed to think his question was absolutely bizarre. Lu Guang probably isn’t used to being emotionally open yet, Cheng Xiaoshi reminded himself, and then a small part of his energy diminished. I want to see you again, he thought to himself, but he squeezed his eyes shut and told himself to just stay focused.

The world isn’t ending, his world isn’t ending. He’d be fine if he just paid attention.

“Cheng Xiaoshi?”

“Just—just Xiaoshi is fine.” he interrupted whatever Lu Guang was going to say next before he could even think. “I mean, my other friends call me that, it’s weird to hear my full name.” he faked a chuckle to try and take pressure off the situation, but it seemed to make Lu Guang even more uncomfortable.

He turned back, interlocked his fingers as they walked, and then started looking around the street again, anywhere but at Xiaoshi. “I think ‘Cheng Xiaoshi’ is fine.”

I hate myself. 

Cheng Xiaoshi felt that was practically a slap from the universe itself directed at him. It’d been so long, he must’ve fully forgotten how to make friends. Why the fuck did Lu Guang start to like him in the first place? What was happening?

The walk continued in silence. He hoped this was one of those comfortable silences for Lu Guang’s sake, so that he wasn’t any more put off by him than he already was. But in his case, he just wished anyone would say something already.

“...ah, we’re here.” Lu Guang stopped Cheng Xiaoshi from driving himself too insane. “I remember this place. It’s nice in here.” he sounded like he was suddenly completely over his blunder from two seconds ago (wait, they were at the café, had he been stuck thinking for five minutes?) and happily opened and held open for Cheng Xiaoshi the door to the café.

“So, you play basketball, you have a photography shop, what else do you do?” Lu Guang suddenly inquired while they were both browsing the menus.

“Wh—oh, uhm…” Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t expecting him to suddenly speak after a five minute-long silence. Well, he…

…shit, what else did he do? It was just that, right? What was his major again?

“I major in arts, that’s mostly just more photography, though…and I like to have a bunch of friends over to watch sports together with, though that’s mostly basketball…” he awkwardly looked away from Lu Guang. Why was this so difficult all of a sudden? He hadn’t needed to make a decent impression on Lu Guang in so long. “I like movies, watching them with people. Oh! I like to cook, and I like to cook for my friends and my sister. It makes me happy to share meals with people…” he stared at Lu Guang across the table. “Like now. A—Although, I’m obviously not running the kitchen here. I have a really good noodle bowl recipe, though.”

Lu Guang weirdly smiled at that. Maybe he liked that he was passionate, Xiaoshi vaguely recalls him having said something like that. “That’s nice. I hate cooking.”

I know. He mentally rolled his eyes but tried to keep as straight a face as possible. Why did he have to do all the work here? Lu Guang, you can be a little sociable…

As if he could hear his thoughts, Lu Guang went on, “I do like sharing food with people, though. Eh, although chewing sounds are totally gross…no, maybe I prefer to eat alone” he added on after a few more seconds.

Okay. Xiaoshi chuckled then. “I had this teacher in elementary who would always eat in the classroom with us, and he could not stop chewing with his mouth open. You could see and hear everything, it was totally gross.”

“...we’re about to eat, Xi—Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang’s face scrunched up as he probably imagined being in that room and hated the thought of it.

He smiled and waved his hand. “Sorry, sorry. Well, there was another teacher who always handed out treats to the class on every holiday. To the point the other teachers said she was spoiling us. Sometimes she even made up new holidays or events so she could celebrate and treat everyone. I found out after I graduated that it was only our class she was doing that to. Turns out the rest of the classes she had were absolute nightmares, ours was the only one to get sweets.” he continued with a different story, and now Lu Guang laughed.

“Ah, my current history teacher has some weird attachment to me, I genuinely don’t know why, but she’ll specifically greet me whenever I walk into class and no one else, and just recently, after she reviewed some of my work, she took me outside to the vending machine and bought me a candybar because she was ‘so proud’.” he said as he fondly recalled it.

“Huh? I’m totally jealous of that. It’s just you? She doesn’t do this to anyone else?”

“Far as I know.” he huffed, “Though, I think I’ll drop the class next year, so she might have to get a new favourite.”

Cheng Xiaoshi chuckled, and a waitress came by to take their orders. At least he could still hold a conversation with Lu Guang. Honestly, he was a little impressed with how talkative he was willing to be to a stranger who was willing to listen. It only made him a little distraught to think about.

Lu Guang (thankfully) warmed up to him over the course of the next couple of weeks as they kept meeting. After a base-friendship had been built up, it was easier to talk to each other and the next few months went by rather fondly as well. Once Lu Guang had promised him that he wouldn’t be leaving his side anytime soon, that’s when Cheng Xiaoshi finally felt comfortable enough to let loose and act more himself again, less like he had to play a role and constantly try to impress.

That also meant, however, that the less direct pressure to act gave way to the underlying pressure of the inevitable future. More often he found weighing on his mind the thought that Qiao Ling and Lu Guang would lie dead at his feet again only a couple years from now. He felt guilt for betraying Lu Guang’s wishes and traveling back so far for his own selfishness. Was he selfish?

Maybe he’d push through, though. In his mind, the possibility of a bad outcome was just as likely as that of a positive outcome. He just had to play his cards right.

“...Xiaoshi?”

A muted voice came from above him, loud enough to wake him, but low enough that he struggled to make out anything more than his name.

“Cheng Xiaoshi?”

“Mm, yeah?” he opened his eyes at the same time a tear poured from his eye. He figured it was morning fog, then realised it wasn’t morning. Why did Lu Guang wake him up at midnight?

“...you alright?” Lu Guang dropped down onto his bed, weirdly familiar for someone he’d only known for a few months, but Cheng Xiaoshi looked past it.

“Why’d you wake me?” he somewhat drowsily asked.

Lu Guang glanced over. “...you were mumbling in your sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep cause of the sound. Is something wrong?”

He was mumbling in his sleep? Cheng Xiaoshi had been rather restless recently. He’d woken up several times a night every night for the past week or so. His exhaustion was starting to hit him mentally. “Sorry. I can go sleep downstairs.”

“No, that’s…” he paused and seemed to genuinely consider his offer, before continuing, “that’s not necessary, I was just worried you were having a nightmare.”

“Oh.” his breath hitched. He probably was, he couldn’t recall. He’d woken up every morning lately in a moderately bad mood. “Did I say anything specific? I can’t remember my dream.”

“I wasn’t listening.” Lu Guang filled in, his eyes darting away. “I could just hear the sound, so it was bugging me. But you kinda sounded like you were crying, so…well, are you okay?”

“Ah, sorry to worry you.” he softly laughed. “I’m okay. I feel kinda shaken, though.” he sat up in bed and turned to get up, but Lu Guang tapped him on the shoulder just before he did. “Hm?” he looked over.

“...oh, uhm…” Lu Guang’s eyes suddenly glued themselves to the ceiling as he said what he next said. “Do you want a hug?”

“...sure? Yeah.” Xiaoshi’s heart thumped. Lu Guang wasn’t normally…on the giving end of affection, he should say, so the question struck him a bit weirdly. Maybe it was Lu Guang’s way of trying to reach out, though, so he told himself not to respond negatively.

The next second, Lu Guang was pulling him close in what turned out to be an awkwardly short hug, but Xiaoshi knew to appreciate the gesture regardless.

After he’d let go, he stood up and started towards the door. “I’m gonna go make some tea, want a cup?”

“...I should go to sleep.” Lu Guang also stood up, but began climbing the ladder to the top bunk. “Hope you’ll feel better.” was all he said before dropping down into bed and pulling the covers over him.

So we’re not that close yet, I guess. Or he’s just tired. Stop reading into everything.

Cheng Xiaoshi tried his best to recall his dream, but he came up with nothing. Maybe he was dreaming of Lu Guang. He rarely ever dreamt about his parents anymore, he didn’t dream about his childhood at all, really. The only thing he thought might be relevant enough to bother him was…well, the scene that had unfolded that day. He’d been uneasy about it recently anyways.

He remembered the warm blood on Lu Guang’s hand as he reached for him and smeared it across his cheek, before quickly pushing that memory from his mind. That hadn’t happened yet, so it was no use worrying about it.

Taking his hand from his face, he filled and turned on their boiler, waiting for it to bubble.

“Xiaoshi, I have a photography job for you.” Qiao Ling plopped down a folder onto the counter only a second after she came in. Just as before, she became an even greater presence in Xiaoshi’s life ever since Lu Guang moved in. Possibly that was out of excitement, possibly because they reopened the shop together, he couldn’t say.

Now she had a job for him. “...can’t this wait?” Xiaoshi stared down at it uneasily. “This isn’t a…job job, is it? You know Lu Guang and I have been busy lately.”

“A…job job?” she looked at him a little strangely. “Uh, it shouldn’t be a big job, but it is out of the studio.” she then answered what she assumed his question meant.

Oh my god. Wait, I’m not supposed to know about my powers right now, his mind suddenly yelled at him. Qiao Ling only stared back at him regularly, waiting for a response, and he was relieved to find that that had, in fact, not given him away. 

When he didn’t say anything, she shoved the folder more in his way, so he checked inside to see the studio’s hiring forms filled out. “So, it’s a dayjob. One of my mom’s friends’ daughters is turning eighteen and they’re throwing her a big party, so they want a photographer.”

“...ah.” Continue as normal. He read over the order forms and nodded, until the date caught his eye. “Oh, but it’s on the fifteenth…” he remarked, yet didn’t continue that thought. “Thanks, landlady.” he smiled widely at her instead. “I’ll figure it out.”

…

“Lu Guang!”

The second Qiao Ling was out the door, he sprinted up the stairs carrying the forms with him.

“What?” Lu Guang shouted back sleepily from their room. Xiaoshi burst through the door and pulled up a chair next to him where he was sat at his desk reading something on his laptop, taking notes every other minute. “I’m studying, what do you want?” he didn’t look over at him.

“I have a job for you.” he passed him the forms, Lu Guang reluctantly accepting them.

“...I’m busy, Xiaoshi. You know I have important exams coming up.” he scanned the forms for only a couple seconds before putting them aside again. “And anyways, this seems like an important photography job, you’re more suited for it than I am.”

“Huh? No way, you’re good at photography. I’ll just show you the features on my professional camera, you’ll be fine.” he pushed the forms back in Lu Guang’s direction. “I have an important game that day, and I don’t wanna skip out on my friends. You don’t have anything that day.”

“...but I have exams the week after, so you go do it. I need to focus, Xiaoshi.” he slid them back in Cheng Xiaoshi’s direction before pulling his hand back to continue writing.

“...okay.” Cheng Xiaoshi leaned back, suddenly deep in thought. “How about this: you do the job, and then I’ll buy you a gift after. Something nice.”

“You mean with the money you make from the job?” Lu Guang sighed, but Cheng Xiaoshi quickly continued,

“Keep all the money from the job, it’s your earnings.”

That got Lu Guang to stop writing and actually look up. He gave Cheng Xiaoshi a look like he thought he was lying to him, Xiaoshi tried to reassure him he was serious.

“Now that you’re living here, you said you’d start working here, too. Any job you take on, the money will be completely yours to keep.” he tried to say, Lu Guang carefully nodding when he’d finished.

“Isn’t that inconvenient? In that case, we should just share an account, if we’re partners in the shop.” he then suggested, giving Cheng Xiaoshi pause. He wants to jump to sharing an account? It’s only been two months, dude. “You’re more professional than I am, so you’d take on more jobs than me. We wouldn’t be equal.” he argued, “Either we should split all earnings fifty-fifty, or a hundred percent goes to an account we share.”

“Ah, right.” he leaned back. He was already used to sharing an account with Lu Guang, that had been their situation for as long as he could remember now. Though he swore it did not happen this early into their relationship. Had he been overly familiar?

Still, that meant this conversation must be a step in the right direction? “So you want to share an account then and share our finances?” he asked for clarification.

“Well, if we’re going to be partners and are both going to be running the shop, then yeah. I’ll start to help out more once I finish taking these exams.” he said, and Cheng Xiaoshi nodded.

“I guess I can organize that for us. Eh, although, I am still in debt…” he suddenly remembered in complete embarrassment.

“Didn’t I basically agree to take that on the minute I moved in here with you?” Lu Guang commented without even hesitating at all. Okay, so he’s really serious. That’s kinda hardcore.

Xiaoshi grinned. “Alright, all settled then. Does that mean you’ll take on the job?”

He let out a sigh and leaned back, a hand raising to cover his eyes. “I’ll do it, just…” he glared at Cheng Xiaoshi through the gaps between his fingers. “...all this for a basketball game… You’d better win.” he huffed.

“Thanks, Guangguang!” Xiaoshi practically launched himself onto Lu Guang, attacking him in a hug that Lu Guang nearly flinched out of.

“Stop—what is your problem?” he squeezed his eyes shut as Xiaoshi let him go, staring at him again with a chuckle. “...seriously.”

“Huh? I thought you liked affection. You never show it, but you’re totally soft, aren’t you? What was that hug the other day for, then?” he grinned again, only serving to irritate Lu Guang more.

But he didn’t continue arguing, he only let out a sigh and went back to working. Cheng Xiaoshi kept staring at him for a few seconds after, but once he realised he was busy with something else and would no longer engage with him, he got bored and got up. Though, just before he left, Lu Guang called him back.

“Xiaoshi, wait.”

Talk to me when I’m still sitting down, seriously, he thought. Cheng Xiaoshi turned around again and looked at him, before Lu Guang broke their eye contact.

“Didn’t you want to…uh…” he paused to think, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn't sure if he was rewording what he wanted to say or if he was considering saying it at all. “I’m using your laptop, and I keep getting ads for travel agencies. Did you want to go somewhere, or something?”

“Oh, that?” Cheng Xiaoshi awkwardly chuckled. He swore he’d searched on incognito. “Actually, I was looking into taking a trip to Thailand maybe. They have some good tourist spots there, and I like Thai food, so it might be relaxing. After exam season, it’ll be breaktime, right? Why not go somewhere?”

Lu Guang looked at him uncomfortably for a few seconds before turning back. “Why there?” he muttered to himself. Unsure of what was wrong, Cheng Xiaoshi stepped closer and peeked over his shoulder to try and check on him, but Lu Guang shook his head. “I don’t know about that.” he then said. “It’s expensive to take trips like that.”

It’s cheaper than going to Bridon, that’s why I checked, he rolled his eyes, but validated Lu Guang’s concerns nonetheless. “Yeah, maybe. We can think about it.” he tried to laugh it off after, but Lu Guang’s reaction really confused him. Though, when he thought about it, Lu Guang seemed rather anxious flying back when they’d taken their trip to Bridon. Maybe he was just afraid of planes? “Anywhere you’d want to go?”

“...well, uh…” Lu Guang unsurely looked back at him, but then averted his eyes almost immediately after. “I’ll have to think about it, yeah.”

Can you stop being suspicious? Xiaoshi practically eyed him down with squinted eyes from the other side of the room before Lu Guang started tapping the back of his pen to his notebook rapidly, leaning forward like he was stressed. Did he want to press? Not really.

“Let me know, then.” he tried to sound cheery as he left the room.

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” he gripped his hand tighter as he could feel himself starting to cry in anticipation. “Don’t regret this. Don’t regret me. Just live, and you’ll be okay.”

You seriously believe that? “How could I be okay without you?” Xiaoshi’s forehead made contact with Lu Guang’s chest. Just lightly, like he still was consciously trying not to hurt him despite how terrified he was in the moment. “Lu Guang, please, stay with me.”

He heard a huff from below him and looked up, only to see the slightest smile on Lu Guang’s face at the same time a tear rolled down. “I’m sorry. I wish I could. I wish I had, for longer.”

I wish I’d had more time with you.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes opened, his ears focused in on Lu Guang’s steady breaths in the bunk above him, his body curled up into the fetal position. “Fuck.” he breathed out loud, his eyes almost immediately shutting again as tears started to roll down his face, down onto the pillow below him. This time he definitely remembered his dream. Why did his subconscious have to torture him like this? He knew what happened then, it’s not like he’d forgotten about it. He let out a frustrated exhale, though quickly overtaken by the wave of grief he’d felt afterwards.

He never really got to grieve at all, he recalled. Lu Guang wasn’t dead now, even though he still had his memories of it happening. It’d be weird to grieve him, but it also meant he never got to process what had happened.

Maybe I’m overwhelmed, he considered. He’d been on edge since he’d came back, and he was expecting it to fade at some point, but now it was seriously starting to tire him out. There were leftovers in the fridge downstairs, he should go get those.

“You awake?” Lu Guang asked in a rough voice from above him the second the bedframe shifted.

“...sorry if I woke you.” he mumbled as he got up and stretched. “I’m just gonna eat something, then I’ll be back to bed.”

“Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang whispered at him as he started towards the door, making him stop. He turned to Lu Guang, who was leaning up to look at him over the railing to his bed. They exchanged a couple seconds of silence, before Lu Guang dropped down again, his image still blurry through the darkness of the room. “Are you depressed?” he asked.

That made Cheng Xiaoshi pause, genuinely. Don’t cry, he told himself as he already felt his stupid, traitorous eyes start to sting. “I’m not, why?” he asked back in a tonally similar, but emotionally charged voice. That definitely gave away that there was something wrong.

But Lu Guang apparently wasn’t in the mood to press. His back turned to Cheng Xiaoshi as he next shifted in bed. “Okay, sorry for asking.” he first said, though apparently he did want to add just a little more clarification as to why he’d asked. “You have nightmares very often, I was worried you might have PTSD, but I don’t know if there’s something you’re scared of. And, also…it’s probably not my place to say, since we haven’t been friends too long, but I always feel like you’re putting on some kind of act around me. Or like you’re always a little uncomfortable. Correct me if I’m just misjudging that, though.”

Help. Oh my god, he was so obvious, wasn’t he? Since when did Lu Guang know how to read people? Was he just that readable?? How is he supposed to lie his way out of this…? “I, uh…” he stared at the ground, trying to come up with anything. “My parents.” was the first thing that came out, and he hated himself even more for now having to go down this rabbithole.

But Lu Guang turned back around, just staring at him. It was clear he was listening, at least.

“S—Since you’ve moved in, I realised I’m not really alone here anymore, and it’s been really nice to finally have someone again, but…” his eyes widened as he somewhat embarrassedly stared down at the ground. “Well, it’s made me think that I’m starting to move on from them now, and I think that scares me, cause I still want them to come back…I don’t want to forget about them.” he recited a problem he remembered he used to have, then turned away a bit. “Sorry for seeming like I’m putting on an act, I didn’t realise…I think I was trying not to be a total downer, since I didn’t want to put you off from me.” 

He really hated this deep dread pooling in his stomach. Realistically, this wasn’t deeply bothering him anymore, at least not enough to cause such severe nightmares. He’d been living with Lu Guang for the past three years, so needing to lie about something like this really didn’t sit right with him. It’s kinda like being insensitive to my past self, he thought, then lingered on that thought until it made him more frustrated.

Lu Guang’s right hand raised up as his watch flashed the time in his face. Upon seeing it, he brought it back down and turned to Cheng Xiaoshi again, now sitting up. “Do you want me to come down with you?”

“Did you want something to eat as well? I think there’s enough leftovers for two.” he called from the kitchen.

“Sure.” was the soft-spoken response back from the sunroom.

Cheng Xiaoshi dished up two bowls of their leftover noodles and put them in the microwave to heat for a minute before taking them back out. He ran up to put the hot bowls on the coffee table and then ran back to go get utensils.

“Thank you.” Lu Guang whispered when Xiaoshi passed him a set of chopsticks. He started stirring his food around while Cheng Xiaoshi sat beside him and got lost in thought rather quickly.

He hadn’t considered it before, because he really hadn’t been thinking about himself, but he was probably depressed, wasn’t he? The way he’d been feeling the past few months wasn’t normal, definitely.

“What was your dream about?” Lu Guang suddenly asked, Cheng Xiaoshi now noticing he was staring up at him from the corner of his eye as he ate. He froze up, hating the way his stomach clenched, the way his brain could only conjure up one specific image in his head, the way his leg started bouncing up and down. “Just your parents, nothing else?”

Why was Lu Guang so good at reading him? Isn’t he supposed to be bad at that kinda thing? “Just my parents, they, uh…” his head fell down and his eyes shut tight. “I feel like I’m grieving lately, but I can’t explain why.”

“They’ll come back for you, Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang said then as he stuffed his mouth with another bite of noodles. “I don’t understand why you should have to be miserable waiting. You won’t stop missing them, sure, but finding happiness without them is a good thing.” he stopped and looked up, then shut his eyes in irritation. “Not that living with me is ‘finding happiness’, but—”

“It is.” Xiaoshi affirmed almost immediately, nodding at him to keep talking. “You’re allowed to say it, I’m happy.”

Lu Guang glanced at him and his dimly-lit face, then sighed and looked away. “Okay.” Cheng Xiaoshi swore he saw something on Lu Guang’s face light up, and he wondered if that was too intimate for so early on. “But, then…if you’re happy, why have you been having so many nightmares?”

Was he creating holes in his story? Times like this, he wished he had a Lu Guang in his ear to guide him through his dive. “Like I said, I’m just scared. It feels like I’m stepping into a new phase of my life when I don’t fully know if I’m ready to leave my old life behind.” 

When he finished speaking, he wondered if that was too one-to-one with his actual situation. Every second longer that Lu Guang spent in thought after his words made him more and more nervous. Was he going to call him out? Stupid. This Lu Guang didn’t even have any way to tell if he was lying. Xiaoshi let out a sigh. “So…” Lu Guang started, catching Cheng Xiaoshi’s attention, “a big change can stress anyone out, that’s normal, right? It’ll just take time, then. But if you’re having a lot of stressful dreams, you should probably see someone about that.”

See someone? Ugh, maybe I actually should, he thought. He chuckled after taking another bite, then looked over at Lu Guang again. “I’ll think about it. Have you ever had nightmares like that?” he asked, kind of already knowing that was the case. He never got an answer from Lu Guang about his nightmares in the previous timeline, he wondered if he’d have better luck with this Lu Guang. Or, wait, is that gross and exploitative? That’s totally gross and exploitative, isn’t it?

“Nightmares? Not often.” Lu Guang replied, not even looking over.

Okay, well it definitely wasn’t gross and exploitative if he didn’t tell him anything, he supposed. “Sorry for asking.” he said, continuing to eat. Do not do that again.

“Why? You’re just trying to relate to me, right?” Lu Guang went on, “I used to have nightmares all the time in highschool. I was terrified of other people, and I’d always see myself failing in anything I did while everyone else watched but didn’t help. During my last year of highschool, I started caring less about what other people thought of me and just tried to focus on keeping myself happy, that mostly worked to get them to stop.” he made a neutral sound before he took another bite and spoke with his mouth full, “Not that that’s nearly as intense as your nightmares probably are, but I guess I can relate a bit.”

Undiagnosed autism must be rough, Cheng Xiaoshi imagined. “I don’t think we should be comparing, that still sounds pretty bad. Sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing.”

He wondered if those were the types of nightmares Lu Guang still faced presently, or maybe something similar to it. Well, he’d just said they’d stopped…it could definitely be something related to his anxiety around his disorder, though, since he never seemed to fully be over it. Creep. “You gonna eat?” Lu Guang asked, snapping Cheng Xiaoshi out of it.

“Mm, right.” he acknowledged and drew back to continue eating. Maybe right now wasn’t the time for a heart to heart. It was late, anyway, so they should just eat and go to bed.

Anyways, he was living with Lu Guang now and any change in scenery or large shift in someone’s life could overwhelm a person. It made sense why he felt this way, anyone could easily start to feel this way. All he had to do was get used to his current situation and then he’d stop thinking about it. If that didn’t work, he supposed he’d have to start taking time off from the shop to go visit a therapist.

Regardless, Lu Guang’s words had somewhat calmed him. He didn’t have another nightmare when he went back to sleep that night, and he didn’t have any in the nights following, either. Maybe just talking about it actually helped him?

What would a therapist even do, anyways? Just diagnose him with depression? He knew that much already, it wouldn’t really do him any good to get a diagnosis.

“Xiaoshi, can you focus on your work?” came Qiao Ling’s voice. She had time off today and had opted to spend her free time at the studio, but what that culminated in was just an extensive lecture for Cheng Xiaoshi from her.

“Cause god forbid I work too slow in your presence.” he sighed, continuing to tally up and sort the different orders from different cliënts on his computer. Administrative work was so ass. “Can’t you let me daydream a little? I don’t have anything else to do while Lu Guang’s away.”

Qiao Ling turned her head from where she was sprawled on the couch by the entrance of the shop. “If you want someone to bother, I can try to stand in for him.” she monotonously replied, then used her hands to hold her face still as her eyes lidded. “Here, I’m Lu Guang now. Don’t talk to me.” Okay, now Xiaoshi was growing irritated.

“Why’d you even come here? I thought you had other stuff to do. Go contact your friends to hang out or something.” Xiaoshi’s typing grew harsher as he practically slammed his fingers down on the keys.

She rolled her eyes and her hands came off her face, falling back to the couch. “Can’t even hang out at my brother’s place anymore? What’s a girl to do…” she chuckled, sitting upright before getting up and walking towards the counter he sat behind. She pulled up a chair beside him and looked at his screen. “I think I’m filled in on most of these cliënts, right? I’ll help you work, if you need.”

“...why?” he looked at her weirdly. She didn’t often genuinely try to help him with anything unless there was something really wrong with him. Oh, right. His mind took about a half a second to comprehend what was going on here. “Lingjie, there’s nothing wrong. You don’t have to help.”

“What? You’re struggling to do it alone, so I’ll just make sure you’re focused, okay?” she leaned in to share the space with him and looked at his screen to start analysing what he’d been doing and where he’d left off.

Xiaoshi didn’t even do anything for a minute, just felt slightly uncomfortable with her presence beside him before she pointed at his screen and asked about one of the cliënts he was missing. “Qiao Ling.” he said, turning to her with a strange look. “I’m, like, serious, I’m fine. Honestly, if you left, I’d probably regain my focus and be able to finish.”

“Is that so? Cause I get the feeling that if I left, you’d drop down on the couch and start playing video games.” she didn’t miss a beat with her response. Xiaoshi scowled and looked away, but she continued, “Listen, Lu Guang told me you weren’t doing too great, so he was worried about leaving you alone while he went out. I thought it’d be nice if I came to keep you company, but it seems you hate me.” she huffed.

“There it is.” he leaned back with a sigh. “It’s fine, I just…” what is he about to say? He needs time to himself? That’s kind of bullshit, and he thinks Qiao Ling would detect it as such. There’s not really another way to get her to leave, is there? Oh. “Here,” he fished out a couple bills from his pocket, counted them, and then handed them to Qiao Ling, “go to the local shop and get us both a milk tea, you can help me afterwards.”

“And now you’re making me run errands. God, you’re lazy.” she rolled her eyes as she took the money and stood up, pausing right by the door. “Be back in ten minutes, kay?”

“Mm.” he waved as she left, and then slightly repulsed at the sound of the door slamming. He still saw her walk off through the window for another couple seconds before she was gone entirely from his sight and the shop was silent.

The clock in the corner was ticking, again, again, again, and he listened to it as his head slowly emptied itself of everything but the sound of it.

And a tear hit the counter. And then another one did. He opened his mouth to breathe better as his senses started shutting off and his head fell limp into his crossed arms on the counter. The soft sounds he made barely echoed through the room as he didn’t want to be heard no matter what, but his tears didn’t stop. They just couldn’t. Why did he feel so stupid all the time lately?

“Are you an idiot?” Lu Guang sighed as he pinched his nose. “I just spent all day studying, Xiaoshi, I’m tired. You already made me take on a job for you—now I have to do that in a couple days, I don’t have any more time to spare. It’s, like, six in the evening anyways, why do you want to go to the movies all of a sudden?”

Idiot. Xiaoshi’s head turned. “You know, I just think it’d be good to, like, hang out. Don’t you want a break from studying for a second?”

“My break is dinner and sleeping. Promise that’s more than enough.” he sat down on the couch and opened one of the boxes of the pizza Xiaoshi had ordered. Cheng Xiaoshi could only stare at him as he took his first bite and leaned back on the couch. “How was Qiao Ling today? I just missed her.”

He knew. Right, Lu Guang knew Qiao Ling had come over, because he was the one to ask her to go in the first place, wasn’t he? That’s annoying, was he so stupid as to only just have put that together fully? Idiot. “Uh,” Xiaoshi tried to think of anything meaningful to say, but then just stared back at his lap in defeat and opened his own box, “no, nevermind. Let’s not talk right now.”

That got Lu Guang to finally look up at him in confusion, but he quickly looked down again when he saw the expression on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face. “Okay.” came from beside him as they both kept eating in silence.

He swore he was getting better—he tried as best as he could to convince himself that he was getting better. Lu Guang seemed to be most suspicious of him at any given time, but he always brushed him off when he expressed some kind of concern.

‘I’m gonna drive him away from me if I’m like this’, was a thought that crossed Cheng Xiaoshi’s mind more than once a day, but whenever the time came to actually talk to Lu Guang, he’d only get defensive about himself all over again.

It was midday on a weekend, he was trying to fall asleep and escape his thoughts, but he couldn’t stop thinking. Wait, it is a weekend, right? He didn’t have to open the shop? Is it really noon already? Wait, is he going insane?

“Aren’t you leaving?” Lu Guang asked when he’d finished packing his bag and putting his shoes on. He stood by the entrance waiting for Cheng Xiaoshi to respond. “Your game starts in, like, an hour, right?” he gave further context to his question. “You should be gone already.”

Xiaoshi lazily turned his head from where he lay on the couch. Shit, the basketball game. Was he an idiot? His mind briefly considered what would happen if he left now, made it to the game, and then played his best. Maybe he’d win. Maybe he would. Kinda possible…why didn’t that sound appealing to him? 

“I’ll have to cancel on them, I can’t go right now.” he defeatedly said, pulling his phone out to at least be decent enough and shoot them a text that they shouldn’t expect him, albeït an hour prior to the game. Lu Guang was about to go out for the job he’d taken in his place, and now Xiaoshi didn’t even have an excuse anymore as to why Lu Guang had to go in his place. He just silently hoped he’d go for him anyways.

But he definitely caught on to that. “Really? Perfect,” he dropped his bag with the equipment down onto Xiaoshi’s stomach, earning a grunt from him, “so you’ll go in my place? I’ll go back to the library, then, to study some more. I’m a bit behind.” he turned around and started grabbing his books from the sunroom.

“Lu Guang, I’m—” stop talking. Fuck. Why did that come out so desperate? What did he even want to say? Is it okay to sound desperate? Isn’t that weird? In an uncertain tone, he mumbled, “Please do the job, I can’t go.”

Lu Guang packed his bag on the counter where he knew Cheng Xiaoshi could see him. “Too busy lying on the couch? Why’d you wanna cancel anyways?”

“Well, cause…” he stared up at the ceiling without being able to think of a possible reason. “I can’t go.” he repeated. That was all he could really say. Lu Guang, the world is ending, and I’ll die if I don’t stay on this couch, he thought about saying. Only thought about it, though.

His legs were pushed off the couch all of a sudden, and the weight below him shifted. He saw Lu Guang now sitting down next to him—as next to him as he could be with how much space Xiaoshi took up—and staring. He didn’t look mad, at least, he just…looked.

That definitely made Xiaoshi insecure. “Sorry. Could you still go in my place? I know you’re busy. I’m sorry.” he said in a low pitch. His voice sounded almost whiny, he really hated how that came out.

Lu Guang let out a breath. “When will you be ready to tell me what’s wrong? No offence, you’re really bad at hiding it.”

“I’m not stupid.” he quickly responded before he could even think about it, then hit a hand over his eyes in embarrassment. Why did he say that?

“Sorry.” Lu Guang responded, however. He took a minute before he turned to Cheng Xiaoshi, his tone rather confident. “Alright, you should come with me.” he said.

“Huh?” Xiaoshi sat up a bit and gave Lu Guang a confused look. Lu Guang only blankly stared back. He really could never figure out what he was thinking. “Lu Guang, I just told you, I can’t go out…”

“I’ll buy you a coffee on the way there, should get your energy back up. You don’t want to be alone, right? You don’t have to work, I’ll just have you with me. I can still do the job for you.” he elaborated, then stood up. “So get up and put your shoes on. We’ll head out together. I have to leave now.”

Cheng Xiaoshi fixated on Lu Guang with a stare like he was surprised, wondering how the hell he’d even managed to figure him out like that. Did he want to argue? Did he have the energy to argue? What did he want?

He didn’t want to be alone. Lu Guang was objectively good at reading him, that was a fact of life now. But then again, he was probably just bad at hiding his emotions. That was another issue. Xiaoshi’s body moved before he could think about it too much. He stood up, he stepped into his shoes, and he walked out through the door that Lu Guang held open for him.

At his request, Lu Guang got him a sweet tea in place of a coffee. Cheng Xiaoshi had taken an extra camera with him just so he could also help out with photography, since he’d feel completely useless otherwise.

He was still exhausted as they took the train, and Lu Guang’s typical low-energy didn’t exactly help him rejuvenate any of his spirit. He stared at Lu Guang beside him, who was fidgeting around with his watch and tapping his fingers together.

Another sip from his drink as he continued to stare. After he put his drink back down, he purposefully dropped his head down onto Lu Guang’s shoulder, but Lu Guang didn’t tense up like he expected him to. He ignored it, didn’t even look at him, kept fidgeting.

I guess anything goes to make me feel better, in his head he chuckled. You shouldn’t sell yourself out like that.

Lu Guang’s thumb brushed over the palm of his hand in a back and forth motion. “Does that help?” Xiaoshi asked before he really thought about it.

“Huh?” Lu Guang glanced down at Cheng Xiaoshi, then noticed where he was looking and immediately stopped his movements. “Oh, sorry.” he turned away, a little embarrassed.

…that wasn’t meant negatively. You let me rest my head on your shoulder all romantic-like, but you’re still embarrassed about acting yourself. Xiaoshi sniffed. He took another sip of his tea while he continued to stare at Lu Guang’s now-unmoving hands, but Lu Guang was no longer looking back at him.

The day passed by kinda quick. The party was kept mostly to one area of a local park, though it wasn’t one Cheng Xiaoshi had ever been to before. He’d been welcomed as a guest, had helped himself to some of the snacks they were handing out, and had taken a couple decent photos of the birthday girl and some of her friends. 

They looked so happy. It really soured his mood.

Lu Guang tapped his shoulder, slightly startling him as he walked up to him from behind. “Hey. You’re kinda spacing out.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Xiaoshi only said. “I took some photos, though.” he pulled out his camera and started flipping through the photos, trying to show them to Lu Guang, but he wasn’t exactly looking.

Lu Guang nodded. “Yeah, okay. Uhm…I think I’ve almost finished taking everyone’s picture, so after they serve the cake to everyone, we can get going.”

“Huh? Oh.” Xiaoshi looked back down at the photos he’d taken, still trying to get Lu Guang to look, but he probably didn’t understand what he was trying to do, so he shut the camera off instead. “Okay, so I’ll just keep standing here and wait.”

He shook his head. “You can come over and take some pictures while they’re lighting the candles. I’m sure they’d want multiple angles. That, and I’m sure they’d want some photos with a bit more skill.” he roughly smiled at Cheng Xiaoshi, who couldn’t return such a face to him.

“Don’t sell yourself short.” he said. It was meant to be more light-hearted, but the way he’d said it, it came out more like a demand.

“...do you need to sit down?” Lu Guang asked as he tilted his head. That only made Cheng Xiaoshi feel bad, considering it meant his bad mood was incredibly visible.

“I don’t. I’m okay.” he simply replied. “You can go back and take your last photos.” he nodded and urged him away.

“It isn’t for a while, still. They gave me a ten minute break. Oh, they have more drinks in a cooler, in case you want another sweet tea.”

“...okay, sounds good.” he nodded, then looked at Lu Guang as he waited for him to turn back around and leave.

Lu Guang pointed over his shoulder, “The girl in the yellow shirt, she’s blocking it right now, but it’s right behind her. You can just take it, they have two other coolers.”

Oh, I have to get it. Of course I have to get it, am I a child? ‘Twenty-two year old adult man can’t handle getting his own drink.’ the headline popped into his head. He passed Lu Guang and started heading over to the cooler. 

He isn’t a twenty-two year old. He’s nineteen. Remember what year it is, you dumbass.

“Oh, oh, hey, sir!” he heard from behind him, and, considering he was one of the five or so men at this event, he turned around.

He saw two girls standing over him while he was bent down by the cooler. He picked his drink up, and then stood up, only to realise he was much taller than these two.

“You’re the photographer, right? There’s a really nice rosebush back there, and we can’t get it to look right on a selfie, can you take our picture?” one of the girls asked him, and he looked back to where she was pointing.

“Okay.” was all he said, turning his camera on again and making sure his image looked right while they were walking over. They stood still right in front of the bush and he looked at them expectantly, but they didn’t move. Line. “Ah, what kind of photo do you want?”

“Like…a portrait?” one responded back, a little confused.

Idiot. “Like, what kind of pose would you like? Something energetic, something cute, something…?”

“Ah,” the girls turned to each other, and they discussed something in a whisper-tone for a couple seconds before turning back to Cheng Xiaoshi. “We’re not sure, what do you think would suit us?”

Oh, joy. I wanted to do all the thinking anyways.

His eyes squeezed shut. Why am I such a jerk? They’re customers, they’re nice people. He opened his eyes again and looked over them. “Okay, uhm…” they seem close, so, “You,” he pointed to the girl on the left, “Can you put your arm around her shoulder? Both of you, lean into each other…” he looked at the rosebush behind them, and then walked closer to take a look. From the ground, he picked up a loose rose, tore it from the bush, plucked the thorns off and then tried to fix up its shape a bit. “Hold this.” he handed it to the girl on the right as she only silently took it from him. He checked back through his viewfinder, and then squinted. “Both of you, heads up a little higher. And you, hold the rose up closer by your chest.”

Good picture, still a little boring.

“You,” he gestured at the one on the left, “push your right leg back a bit, or maybe try lifting it up off the ground.” he said his final instruction as he raised his camera to a good angle, and then got into position himself. Okay, this shot is fine. “Kay, smile.”

Twenty or so shutter sounds came from the device. Xiaoshi changed his angle a bit before taking another ten pictures. He pulled his camera down, edited some lighting settings, and then took another ten. See if any of those stick.

The girls let go of each other and excitedly ran over to check his pictures with him as he flipped through them. “Aaah!” a scream came from beside him, causing him to tense up, “Oh, you look so pretty, look at that!”

The other one chuckled at her compliment. “I look fine, come on. Your smile is really nice in this, though.” she looked at the rest of his pictures before touching and squeezing Xiaoshi’s arm in a sort of congratulatory way. “Thank you so much! Here you go…” 

When he looked down at her, she was grinning at him and offering him back the rose that he’d handed her for the photo. He nodded at her as he took it back, and she started to leave, though not before shooting him a long glance as they walked away. He tried not to stare back.

…that was fucking weird. He’s not even dressed nicely. He looked down at his plain shirt paired with a plain overshirt and his plain jeans just to check. No, he’s not dressed nicely.

Not like he could even tell that girl that he’s taken, cause he wasn’t. What even could he call himself? A stalker? He started heading back towards Lu Guang as his train of thought chugged on. He knew practically everything there was to know about Lu Guang, while Lu Guang only knew a little bit about him so far. What does he even do to fix something like that? Create a spreadsheet detailing every traumatic and non-traumatic event in his life to send to Lu Guang so they were on equal footing? Such a creep.

Maybe the more accurate term would be ‘widow’, he wondered, but then he immediately scowled in disgust. Sure, it made him seem like less of a freak, but he might prefer to be a ‘freak’ over a ‘widow’. God, that’s so gross…

“What took you so long?” Lu Guang asked when he returned, drink in hand. “Some girls pulled you away, or…?”

I shouldn’t be here. I’m gonna cry. Why is he starting to cry? “They just wanted a photo.” he explained, keeping his eyes wide enough that the buildup of tears in his eyes didn’t overflow. Clear your head, right now, please, he shouted at his mind internally.

“Should’ve told them you have a ten-minute time-off right now.” he checked his watch. “Oh, four more minutes.” Lu Guang didn’t seem to have noticed his actively watery eyes yet.

Xiaoshi took a deep drink of the tea and then made the absolute worst mistake he could’ve of closing his eyes mid-sip. Shit. He could feel his eyelashes had tears stuck to them now. He tilted his head down as far as he could while his hand very obviously came up to wipe his eyes clean.

“...Cheng Xiaoshi?”

“Just…scratching my nose. You should go stand by the cake, it’s only three minutes left. You need time to adjust the camera a little before taking the pictures.” he said all in the same breath. Ignoring how unconvincing that was, he was at least happy his voice didn’t crack.

But Lu Guang didn’t leave at his request. Cheng Xiaoshi got the impression that the longer he pushed Lu Guang away, the more concerned he got for his wellbeing.

“I promise, I’m fine—” he looked back up when his eyes felt dry again, but he was interrupted when he felt a hand press to the side of his neck. “What’re you—?” Lu Guang took his hand off and then moved Xiaoshi’s bangs aside to place a hand on his forehead. Are you kidding me? “No, Lu Guang, I don’t have a fever…”

That made him back off finally, but he still gave Cheng Xiaoshi an annoyed glare. “On the way back, you talk, alright?” was all he finished with before turning away and heading back towards the table where everyone was sitting.

Again, Cheng Xiaoshi could feel it building up. He turned away from everyone else, and took his place on one of the park benches. Against his will, another stream of tears started to flow out of him and he hitched his breath trying to clean his cheeks off. What was wrong with him? Couldn’t he just be normal for one day?

Why was he so frustrated? Lu Guang? Does he miss him? He’s right there. What is this godforsaken feeling infecting his brain? What could he do to help himself? His hand clasped into his hair and squeezed it hard as he started breathing heavier.

Was he seriously so pathetic right now as to cry in public? Why was he even crying to begin with? And why couldn’t he get himself to stop no matter how hard he tried to tell his subconscious that he was fine.

I miss Lu Guang. The real one.

He felt a hand on his head. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and realised it’d been five minutes since he’d sat down already, somehow. “...let’s leave, Xiaoshi.” came in a whispered voice from the person in front of him. He patted him on the back as he urged him to stand and all Cheng Xiaoshi could do was follow behind him with his eyes still firmly on the ground, purely watching this Lu Guang’s shadow move and following after that.

There was complete silence between the two of them for the entire trainride and walk back to the studio, the only audible noises being the soft cries which didn’t stop escaping Cheng Xiaoshi’s lips the whole way long.

When they got inside, Lu Guang stopped him and took his camera, placing both of the cameras they’d brought into the dark room for later. He then walked back over and locked their shop door. “We’re still open.” was the first thing Xiaoshi said after almost a half-hour of silence between the two of them.

“We’re not for the rest of today. Go upstairs, I’ll get you a drink.” Lu Guang simply said.

Cheng Xiaoshi sharply exhaled and pushed past him to run upstairs, now immensely furious at himself for causing such a scene and forcing Lu Guang to close the shop. He got into their bedroom and threw himself down on his bed, squeezing the sheets as hard as he could in order to feel something.

What was he, a child? Calm down. He turned over onto his back so he could breathe better, but he absolutely couldn’t shake this sudden extreme rage he felt. His fist hit the mattress harder than he probably wanted it to. Calm. Down.

He almost forgot he wasn’t alone in the building until Lu Guang came in with a glass of water in his hands. He’d probably heard that just now. He could definitely see how pathetic he looked. Xiaoshi turned onto his side in order to hide a little better from Lu Guang’s prying eyes.

“Xiaoshi. Water.” was all Lu Guang said to try and entice him to sit up. He spoke in a calm, quiet tone, probably trying to hide how genuinely pissed off he was. He could practically hear it already, ‘You’re such an idiot, Xiaoshi, you ruined our cliënt’s birthday’, ‘Why can’t you control yourself just for a couple hours?’, ‘Can’t you even take photos anymore? What’s wrong with you?’. His fists clenched further into the sheets, and he decidedly didn’t turn around to face Lu Guang again.

“Just leave it and go away.” he said. But he felt the bed shift below him and knew Lu Guang had sat down. “Did you hear me? I said go away.” he ordered again, this time his frustration a little more evident in his tone.

But the quiet, neutral tone remained. “Xiaoshi, we don’t have to talk for now, that’s fine. Just drink something until you calm down. I’ll keep you compa—”

“Are you deaf? I said fuck off!” he finally turned around, now practically shooting Lu Guang a death glare as his tone raised higher than he thought was possible. But he didn’t move, and Xiaoshi yelled again, “I said fuck off, so just fuck off!”

“Mmh—” a soft, whimper-like sound escaped Lu Guang, and Xiaoshi heard the distinct sound of glass hitting and bouncing off the floor. Only then did he look at Lu Guang, who was hunched over and covering his ears with all his strength.

I hate myself. I don’t want this. He turned back around and hit the bed with his fist. Why was he yelling at Lu Guang? Why was he yelling for him to leave? Please don’t leave, please don’t leave. 

The bed shifted again as he then heard Lu Guang hitting the ground with his knees.

“Dirty…” was all Lu Guang mumbled as he picked up the glass and set it upright, then set off for the bathroom to presumably grab a towel for the spilled water. He heard his knees hit the ground a second time as Lu Guang started to wipe the floor of the spilled water.

It was a few minutes before he left again, and then came back with what sounded like a few paper towels. Xiaoshi’s eyes stayed fixed on the wall the whole time. He heard the trashcan lid coming up before it slammed back down and Lu Guang picked the glass up from the floor. 

For a couple seconds after, there was total silence. Xiaoshi wondered if he’d refill the glass and try to offer it to him again or if he’d just leave now. When the door opened slightly again, he started thinking it was the latter.

“I’ll, uh…I’ll go for now, then. Let me know if there’s something I can do for you.” he said, solidifying Xiaoshi’s theory and further infuriating him. The door shut again and he practically yelled out in frustration, curling up further into his bed, squeezing the life out of his sheets within his balled fists, and thoroughly furious at himself for everything.

I wish I could go back, he dreamed. Not to this time, not to Lu Guang’s death, but back with the regular Lu Guang. Before I felt so stupid and pissed off all the time and got to be carefree because Lu Guang was there supporting me. I wish I could go back and spend that time with you all over again, he rambled on into his head. I miss when I didn’t hate myself.

I miss you.

Chapter Text

Lu Guang ordered takeout for him that night. He remembered his order, of course he did. 

Apparently, Lu Guang didn’t even want to eat with him as he only left the food by his bed before leaving the room again. Xiaoshi still didn’t dare to turn around to look at him, but Lu Guang could probably at least tell he was awake, as he softly whispered to him that he’d brought dinner in.

Xiaoshi only turned around and started eating once he’d left, and basically fell asleep immediately after, too tired to continue forcing himself to think the thoughts that were in his own head.

Around midnight or so, the entire bed moved, and when Xiaoshi opened his eyes, he saw that Lu Guang was climbing the ladder to his bed. Judging by how he continued to move as quietly as he could, making sure nothing creaked at all, he assumed Lu Guang hadn’t seen him wake up. He started wondering whether he should say something or not.

“Lu Guang?” he whispered in the softest voice he could muster.

There was a brief pause, before Lu Guang responded, “Sorry I woke you.” in a tired voice.

“Mm.” Cheng Xiaoshi turned in bed. 

“What is it?” he asked when it went quiet again.

Right. Xiaoshi sat up in bed hesitantly before he spoke again. “Uh, do you…” he didn’t finish that sentence. Ask something less stupid. Say something less stupid, maybe. “Please don’t hate me.”

Lu Guang scoffed after hearing him speak, confusing him a little bit. “I’m not even mad, Xiaoshi.” he peeked his head out from over the railing and they briefly looked at each other. Cheng Xiaoshi saw he had a soft smile before he pulled back away “I should’ve realised you were getting angry and left when you told me to. I was being kinda pushy.” he paused for a second. “Sorry if it seemed like I was mad, uh...I’m…I think I’m a little more sensitive to sound than most people, so I just wasn’t expecting you to raise your voice that suddenly. It scared me a bit. But that’s all.”

I know. I know it did. Xiaoshi laid back down, a little less uneasy now. “Sorry about that. I’ll, uh…I’ll get in contact with a psychologist.”

There was a short break between them where Cheng Xiaoshi could hear Lu Guang turning over in bed. Then he spoke, “You can always talk to me, too, if you need to. But I do think it’s a good idea.” he stilled for a minute. “We can talk in the morning, though. I hope you’ll feel a bit better by then.”

What is wrong with me? Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands came to cover his eyes. It wasn’t like this had never happened in the previous timeline. If anything, today proved to him that Lu Guang would always value other peoples’ wellbeing over his own. Why did nothing Cheng Xiaoshi did ever bother him? Was it just because they were friends?

They weren’t friends. It’s only been a couple months. Lu Guang’s just a good person. And he’s breaking his trust. He’s a horrible person, and he doesn’t deserve someone like Lu Guang.

But the only thing worse than thinking a thought like that to himself was to voice it out loud to Lu Guang. He could voice it out loud to someone when he spoke to that psychologist.

…what was he thinking? He can’t voice this to anybody.

“So, how long have you two been friends?” the woman sitting across from him asked. His mind went entirely blank.

“W—uhm, I think it’s, uh, t—” Three years. “—aha, uhm, three months now…”

She nodded, then jotted something down into a notebook, before sitting back and asking her next question. “That’s relatively recent. And you’re insecure about your relationship with him?”

“No, I’m not insecure—I’m…I’m, uh…” he stared down at his lap while that pen just kept rolling over the paper above him.

Then a pause of silence. “Is there something making you nervous?”

“No, I’m very secure.” What? “N—no, I mean…”

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” his name was called and he regained the courage to raise his head up. “It’s okay. Let’s start somewhere else, maybe. Was there some kind of incident that led to you seeking me out?”

“Well, about a month ago, I shouted at him.” he finally managed to form a full sentence. I am not used to being open with a stranger, he realised about himself very quickly.

“...you two had an argument?” she egged him on.

“No.” he shook his head. Unsure of what to say next, his mouth started moving faster than his mind could process. “I don’t know why, but I’ve just been on edge. It—well, it hasn’t gone away yet, but I haven’t taken it out on him like that since. I don’t know why I even did it, I don’t remember being mad at him at all, just mad at myself.”

Fuck, why is he being so vulnerable? Or, wait, that’s a good thing, right? That’s the point of all this. He’s doing great. Good going, Cheng Xiaoshi. 

“Alright.” she nodded at him and gave him a smile. “That’s a good start. And I appreciate that you acknowledge and learn from mistakes like that. People who can do that typically go on to have healthy relationships with others, so I don’t think you should worry at all about how things are going with him.” she crossed her legs and sat back. “As for your own feelings, it seems like you blame yourself for many things, is that right?”

“...well, I think it’s stupid to say it wasn’t my fault for shouting at him. That was something I did.”

“Of course, but you mentioned you were mad at yourself that day, not him. Was there something that happened to make you angry at yourself?” she inquired, and Xiaoshi’s face scrunched up.

Because I betrayed his trust, came to him first, though he didn’t understand that answer. I don’t regret coming back, since there was no future to be had in the other timeline. Why would I even think that to begin with?

Either way, he can’t answer with that. What the fuck is he gonna tell her, ‘oh yeah, I watched him die and time-traveled back to this point, but don’t tell him, cause we don’t know I have powers yet’? She’d send him to the psych ward.

“Ah, so, like I said, I’ve just been on edge lately. I didn’t like how distant and frustrated I was all the time, cause I think it affected Lu Guang, too. I think that’s why I was mad at myself.” he tried his best to sound sane.

“What’s made you so on edge?” she asked a followup as she didn’t look up and only kept writing.

“Ah—well…” his face lowered in embarrassment. My best friend and sister’s deaths, I suppose. “I don’t know. I’ve just been going through a rough patch. Uh, Lu Guang suggested it might be because so much is changing in my life right now, and that it’ll go away soon, but…yeah, like I said, I haven’t stopped being on edge, despite the fact there’s nothing much else happening right now.”

She pivoted after that, “You’re not doing anything over the summer?”

What? Okay, talking about my summer plans now. “Well, I’m slightly…in debt, so it’s difficult to take big trips, and it’s not a fantastic idea to take too much time off work since I own the shop and won’t be generating any revenue…” he nodded and looked around the room briefly, then locked eyes back on the therapist. “Me and Lu Guang decided to take a small break now, though, and we’re going to Thailand for about a week and a half. We’re leaving in a couple days.” he said with a lighter smile.

“Oh, really? That’s wonderful.” she returned his energy. “That should be a nice rest to help you feel a bit better again. Is that why you’re going?”

Is that why I’m going? He turned his head down and thought about why he’d suggested to go somewhere with Lu Guang to begin with, then remembered what he was doing it all for. “Well,” he blushed slightly as an awkward smile came to his face. “I want to make good, new memories with him. I want to experience a lot of things together for the first time.”

She nodded, though if Cheng Xiaoshi’s people-reading skills were on point, it seemed like she was a little confused. Maybe cause he’d introduced Lu Guang as a friend and that had totally sounded romantic. He assumed it wasn’t a therapist’s place to pry, though, since she only wished him well on his trip.

“How was your first session?” Lu Guang asked him when he came home again. He was behind the counter and wiping down the shelves they stored their cameras on.

Xiaoshi nodded at him. “She was kind. I liked her, and she had a lot of decent advice. She wished us well on our trip.”

“Mm, our trip…” Lu Guang took his attention off the shelves and put it on Cheng Xiaoshi. “Remember to pack your bag tonight. You’ve put it off for too long now, and I don’t want you to wake up the day of without a packed bag.”

“The—it’s still three days away! I’ll pack my bag the night before, I still need to wear my pyjamas and brush my teeth for the next three days.” he plopped down on the couch and furrowed his brow.

“Then pack necessities the night before and pack the rest now.” he replied in the same argumentative tone, and Cheng Xiaoshi only became more confused.

“We bought the tickets already, it’s not like I’m gonna forget we’re leaving. I won’t put it off too much, promise.” he lightened his tone, possibly a little ashamed that he’d made Lu Guang respond to him in such a way.

“You lose nothing from packing now, Xiaoshi.” he took his rag back in hand and started wiping a part of the counter down, seemingly not able to clean it of a stain.

“Are you stressed about the trip?” Xiaoshi asked him casually, though he was unsure of how Lu Guang would respond to a question like that. He tried to seem as open and accepting as he could.

“Stressed?” Lu Guang looked up at Cheng Xiaoshi, his hand obsessively wiping the counter way more intensely than needed. “Why would I be?”

Xiaoshi carefully stood up from the couch and came over to the counter before placing his hand over Lu Guang’s gently, allowing him to stop cleaning the stain for just a second. “...that’s a crack in the counter, so wiping it won’t fix it.” he softly informed him, and Lu Guang sagged over.

“Right. Okay.” Lu Guang stared down at the counter with wide eyes for a couple seconds, before looking up with an out-of-character level of emotional buildup in his eyes. He wasn’t exactly looking Cheng Xiaoshi in the eyes, but he was definitely looking at his face. “Xiaoshi, I…” his eyes seemed maybe unfocused, even? “...I need to tell you something.”

Always a scary sentence to hear, especially coming from someone who looked so freaked out. “Sure, what’s wrong?” he quietly asked.

“I—the…” his hand tensed under Cheng Xiaoshi’s, which he took as a sign to let go of it. The second he tried to raise his hand off of Lu Guang’s, though, Lu Guang grabbed it right back and clung to it. “So…” he started over, “a couple days ago, I found a photograph hidden up on one of your shelves.”

Wait, this happened before. This is about my dad’s photograph, right? I totally forgot I had that. But Xiaoshi played along and squinted his eyes anyways like he didn’t know what he was talking about. “Which photograph?”

“It was, uh, buried under a pile of clothing. On the back, it had the name ‘Cheng Weimin’ on it. That’s…that’s your dad, isn’t it?” he asked the question, but then didn’t give Cheng Xiaoshi any time to respond as he only continued, “I looked into the picture, and I saw a man who looked like you, so I assume it was your dad. The photo seemed to be sent from England, specifically from Bridon. I mean, in short, I might…know where your parents are.”

Is he done? I think he’s done. After all his dives he’d successfully completed, Cheng Xiaoshi had considered himself to now be a fairly accomplished actor of some sorts. Not one that starred in any movies, of course, but one who could replicate real, human emotions in front of other people and emulate someone’s personality well.

That said, it was really, really difficult to try and be surprised by this information. He gave Lu Guang kind of a sympathetic look, which possibly confused him, before deciding not to lie. At least, not entirely. “I know.” he said.

Saying that immediately took all the nervousness off Lu Guang’s face and replaced it with complete and utter dumbfoundedness. Cheng Xiaoshi continued, “Well, I’m not sure of their exact location, but…a few years after they left, I found out my dad was in Bridon. I was, like, fifteen at the time, and Qiao Ling told me that I couldn’t go, because my mom had warned her about the dangers of me coming there. I…I still don’t really understand, but Qiao Ling says that my parents will come back for me. At least knowing they’re alive has kind of helped me process everything over the years.”

Lu Guang’s shock was replaced with almost complete confusion now, and it was a little interesting seeing him so obviously go from one emotion to another when that kind of thing usually wasn’t so visible on his face. “So…so you don’t want to go to Bridon to find them?”

Maybe the universe wants me to go to Bridon. Would that be considered an important node? After going and finding out what had happened to his parents in the previous timeline, there was really no need for them to go back now. He also got the impression Lu Guang didn’t love it there. “Isn’t it selfish if I go there and ask you to come with me? I think I have enough closure, so I don’t feel the need to go search for them anymore. It’s been four years since I’ve known now. And besides, if you’re coming with me, I want to do something that’s fun for you. You seemed to be looking forward to Thailand, so I totally wanna go there.” he gave him a reassuring smile.

Lu Guang’s hand let go of him now, and he took a step back. “Oh, alright.”

“Were you feeling guilty about keeping it from me? Is that why you were nervous?” he asked, though that sentence left a really bad taste in his mouth.

“I…I wasn’t sure if you’d be mad I kept it from you, so I’m sorry.” Lu Guang sighed. “But alright, then. That’s…that’s good that you knew already. So you still want to go to Thailand.”

He patted Lu Guang’s shoulder briefly and grinned. “It’ll be fun. You pick the restaurants.”

He nodded back with a smile as well. “Okay.”

“Alright, have a safe trip.” Qiao Ling embraced Cheng Xiaoshi tighter, and he softly giggled.

“Hey, we’ll be back in two weeks…” he hugged her back, however awkwardly. He definitely wasn’t used to this treatment given how they’d had to sneak out for their Bridon trip. Qiao Ling was…kind of a softie.

“You have a nice rest of your break, too.” Lu Guang chimed in, “Just watch over the studio for us. If you collect a bunch of orders in the time that we’re gone, we can work on them once we get back.”

“Lu Guang! We’re gonna be tired after the trip!” he offendedly turned to him, and then quickly back to Qiao Ling with a pleading face. “Please, please do not listen to him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“I—God, I hope you two can even make it past customs at this rate…” Qiao Ling let him go and rubbed her forehead in exhaustion. “I want to enjoy my break too, but I’ll collect a job or two if something pops up. How’s that sound?”

Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang both exchanged a brief glance with each other, before slowly nodding at her. “Kay, sounds good.” Xiaoshi answered for them. She nodded back at him, and it seemed like she was about to say goodbye to them. “Love you, Lingjie.” he added on at the last minute, just before she could open her mouth again.

“...alright.” she sighed. “Get going before I start tearing up. I’ll see you two back in a week or so.” then she pointed at Lu Guang, “Remember to take care of him, alright? His favourite hobby whenever he’s in an unknown place is to walk in every direction at once and get lost instantly. Try to stop that from happening.”

“Yes, ma’am.” he put a hand onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s arm and clutched his sleeve. “I’ll keep him right here.”

“Oh my god, I’m older than you, quit treating me like a kid. I won’t get lost.” he irritably glared at Lu Guang and shook his hand off him. 

“Alright, alright.” Qiao Ling laughed. “Go through security already, I’m tired of saying goodbye to you.”

“Mm. Lu Guang?” Xiaoshi nudged him in the side, and he nodded, still waving goodbye one last time to Qiao Ling before they got in line for customs.

The summer months kept the airport packed, and so it was a very near twenty minutes until they’d made it fully through the line. Just before they vanished behind to the other room, Xiaoshi could hear Qiao Ling yelling another goodbye which, at this point, he was too embarrassed to acknowledge out loud.

“At least she loves you.” Lu Guang commented as they collected their bags again. Xiaoshi only rolled his eyes in response.

“Wish she’d love me more quietly.” he tied his belt back around his waist as he stood back up and heard a soft chuckle from behind him. The minute he heard it, he realised that Lu Guang hadn’t actually laughed in the past few days leading up to the trip. He tried to recall a single instance, but the sound of his laughter felt new again, and he couldn’t think of anything else he’d laughed at in the past couple days. “Feeling less nervous about flying?”

“...huh?” Lu Guang stared for a second before walking over and handing Cheng Xiaoshi his carryon. “I’m not nervous.”

And my name isn’t Cheng Xiaoshi. He sighed, patted Lu Guang’s back briefly, and just urged them to move onwards towards their gate. He supposed Lu Guang would be open about his emotions to him when he wanted to be. That time just wasn’t now.

Lu Guang…well, he slept for the entirety of the couple hours they were in the air. Cheng Xiaoshi found his ability to fall asleep so easily pretty impressive, actually, since they flew through some rough turbulence that didn’t wake him at all.

Not to sound selfish, but he kind of wished Lu Guang had stayed awake, considering he hadn’t brought anything to do and spent the entire flight more or less bored as hell. ‘I want to get to know Lu Guang better so I can be more open about knowing him already,’ was basically at the forefront of his mind. He still hadn’t found out about his ability yet, which he was pretty sure he knew about by now in his original timeline.

And then a scene played for him. “I looked into the picture, and I saw a man who looked like you, so I assume it was your dad. The photo seemed to be sent from England, specifically from Bridon.” Lu Guang had said to him a few days ago. And…holy shit, that was basically an admission of his power, and he had completely missed it, since he knew already.

Am I so fucking stupid?

Wait, oh my god, I’m a genius. I’m stupid! It’s not out of character if I only pick up on something like that several days after, is it? I’ll remember to ask when we land. I’m so lucky I’m an idiot.

And, pathetic as that was, that thought calmed him. He’d just…lie to Lu Guang and pretend he didn’t know, pretend he wasn’t from the future, pretend he’d missed the cue—though, that part wasn’t pretend.

This new line of thought did make him feel much shittier, though. He had tried not to think about it much, but during his first session with his therapist, she had suggested he might be feeling deeply guilty about something based on the events that he had described to her. That explanation confused him then, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about it now.

Since he could remember, Lu Guang had enforced to him his three rules;

First: he has twelve hours, because that’s as far as Lu Guang can lead him—he’d been fucking around unsupervised in the past for three months now.

Second: follow Lu Guang’s lead, don’t make things up on his own—his life for the past several months had been a constant one-man improv show he was playing to his unknowing friends.

Third: finally, the past and the future must remain intact, untouched, fundamentally unchanged.

Well, he hadn’t done anything too drastic yet, he didn’t think. Their friendship had more or less developed the same. They might’ve been taking a trip elsewhere right now, but he didn’t imagine they were missing anything in Bridon. Sure, they’d made friends with Xia Fei back then, but he couldn’t remember him keeping in touch at all since Vein died…

Fuck. Vein died. He died in Wang Qing’s office. Did not going to Bridon mean that he would survive in this timeline? Was that a bad thing or a good thing?

It might be helpful to see if it’s possible. If he recalled correctly, Xia Fei stopped modeling in the months after his death, around the same time he blocked Cheng Xiaoshi’s number out of nowhere. That should mean that if he checks online about a month from now, and Xia Fei has recent photoshoots up, it’d confirm to him that Vein must be alive. It’d confirm to him that saving someone from dying by changing their circumstances would be possible.

He turned to Lu Guang, peacefully asleep beside him, and he found he couldn’t take his eyes off him anymore. It might be weird to kiss him on the cheek or something while he was unconscious, he thought, contemplating on whether to touch him at all in case he woke up. Instead he just kept staring. His breathing steady, his arms closed around his stomach, his head leaning slightly down. He stared with one thought on his mind.

Saving him might be possible.

Third: the past and the future must remain unchanged—he supposed this would be his biggest betrayal, then. What it also meant was that Lu Guang couldn’t find out, or it would ruin everything between them. And ‘guilt’, he found, was a pretty decent word to describe it.

“So, how come you picked a single-bed room for the two of us?” Cheng Xiaoshi halted the minute he saw their hotel room. He’d left all the booking up to Lu Guang in the hopes to let him pick out a room he felt comfortable sleeping in, but…what?

“There was a discount on this room, not sure why. Anyways, I figured it wouldn’t bother you.” he told as he placed down his bag and zipped it open to pull some clothes out. It was early evening, he probably wanted to shower and change before they went out for dinner.

A discount, though? What, a couple’s discount? What’re you doing, Lu Guang? Cheng Xiaoshi continued to stand rather shellshocked at the entrance.

“...does it bother you?” Lu Guang asked after Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t move at all. He swallowed before stepping further into the room and also putting his bag down on the stool. Lu Guang’s eyes followed him as he did, and he went on, “I figured it wasn’t an issue, since we’re both guys.”

You’re gay, Lu Guang, he had to painfully restrain himself from saying. I’m not supposed to know that, I cannot say that. “Yeah, alright.” he said, absolutely trying to hide his mortified tone. It’s normal, surely. My roommate of three months wants to share a bed with me for a week and a half on our first trip together. That’s fine. Everyone does that.

“What do you want to eat tonight?” he cut in with a new question that threw Cheng Xiaoshi off-guard.

“Eh…something local?” he tilted his head, “We’re right by the coast, right? Care to try some of the seafood?”

Lu Guang threw himself down onto the bed as he opened his phone, and Cheng Xiaoshi laid down beside him, looking with him as he held the device up high enough for the both of them to see. “I think I found a few restaurants when I looked last night.” he tilted his screen towards Cheng Xiaoshi to show him properly. “The place I thought looked good is about ten minutes away from here.”

“Ah, that’s close!” he smiled, then nudged Lu Guang beside him, “It’s six now, what time do you wanna go eat?”

Lu Guang thought about it for a second, then sat up again. “The airport food kind of left me hungry, so it might be best we go now.” though, as expected, he picked up his clothes and headed towards the bathroom. “Give me ten minutes, I’ll quickly shower.”

“Make that twenty! I’ll go after you.”

They arrived at a restaurant practically right next to the sea. Given they were in a relatively touristy area, Cheng Xiaoshi was grateful to find their menus were half in English, purely because it meant that Lu Guang could translate for him. 

And so, for the first ten minutes of their stay, Cheng Xiaoshi asked ‘what’s this say?’ for practically every menu item until Lu Guang eventually just started reading it off to him.

After getting a ‘no’ in response to his question of whether the waiter spoke Chinese or not, Lu Guang decidedly discussed with Cheng Xiaoshi and then ordered for the both of them in English, being sure to point at the items on the menu as well for as minimal confusion as possible.

“I forgot you could speak English so fluently.” Xiaoshi chuckled at him when the waiter left. 

“I speak bare minimum English, you just think it’s impressive since you can barely say <Hello>.” he harshly stated, his face remaining entirely neutral as he stacked their menus up and put them back in the holder.

“Excuse me! I have great pronunciation, alright? Give me a sentence, I’ll pronounce it perfectly! So much so, you’d think I’m native! Here, here, I’ll bet you don’t know this phrase, <You look tasty!>.” he ended his sentence by practically shouting in English. Lu Guang gave him a more than bizarre and humiliated look. “See? You’re so fluent, but you don’t even know what that means.” he excitedly tacked on the end of his spiel.

“...I definitely understood that, I’m just…processing.” he continued to give Cheng Xiaoshi the most awful stare, one that made it seem like he’d done something very wrong. “Where did you hear that?”

“Wh—” From Vein. Fuck. “Well, you know online, you can video chat with people in other countries. I talked to a Chinese person living in England, and they taught me.” another lie.

Lu Guang’s face didn’t once falter while looking at him in complete disbelief. “You—they lied to you, whatever they told you that meant.”

“Wh—what does it mean?” now he was curious.

“You just—” Lu Guang was interrupted as the waiter came back to give them both their drinks and he immediately stopped speaking in embarrassment. The man smiled at the two of them before he walked away again, and Cheng Xiaoshi looked back at Lu Guang expectantly. “No, I can’t.” he shook his head. “Look it up yourself. Whoever said that to you was either flirting with you, fucking with you, or wanted to eat you.”

Eat me? He searched up the phrase on his phone and translated it back into Chinese and…

His head didn’t take another second to hit down harshly on the table. “Oh my god, I said that to so many English speakers over the years cause I thought it was legit.”

“Someone has to pay the price of stupidity. There, there.” Lu Guang’s hand came across the table to pat him on the shoulder gently, when Cheng Xiaoshi then remembered that Lu Guang was the one with the faulty translation to begin with. ‘The price of stupidity’ my ass, you’re the one who tricked me in the first place, you traitor!

Lu Guang sighed and continued speaking, “It’s alright, it’s not like you need to speak English anyways. I barely use it. And from everything I’ve heard, the proficiëncy rate here is not all that high.”

Xiaoshi picked his head up from the table, rubbing at the spot on his forehead that he’d slammed into it. “Ah, really? Like, better or worse than back home?”

He thought about it for a minute, before concluding, “Probably the same. If you’re the standard to go by, it might be a bit better, actually.”

“Alright, fine, I’ll show you.” he angrily snapped back. “Just you wait, by the end of the trip, I’ll be fluent in Thai. You’ll be impressed by how fluent I am.”

“Kay, just don’t wake me when you’re pulling an all-nighter every night.” he calmly picked his drink up and took a sip.

“It’ll be hard not to when we’re sharing a bed.” he rolled his eyes, and Lu Guang threw his head back with another, long sigh.

“If it’s a problem, I can request for a different room, it’ll just cost more.” he squeezed his eyes shut and pinched his nose bridge. “We already share a bed back home.”

That is so different. Lu Guang dropped his head again and stared back at Cheng Xiaoshi as he waited for a response. Oh my god, he doesn’t see it as different at all. Right, I’m talking to Lu Guang here. “I promise you that’s not the same thing.”

“Why?” he made a sound as he raised an eyebrow.

…I can’t explain this to him, what am I thinking? “You should buy a psychology book or something.”

Lu Guang leaned back and squinted at him in response, throwing his hands up like he was utterly dumbfounded. That was probably the most ableist thing he’d ever said, but whatever. Lu Guang didn’t even know he was autistic yet.

They continued a back and forth over why it was or wasn’t a big deal, Cheng Xiaoshi exhausting every other argument to keep the ‘I’m in love with you, so it just feels weird’ to himself. At least it didn’t end up slipping before their food got there and they were able to move on from the conversation.

The meal was relatively refreshing to Cheng Xiaoshi, after eating the same foods over and over for years now, finally trying something new got him excited. That, and it was delicious. Looking over at Lu Guang, he seemed to be enjoying his food, too.

…it was kind of nice seeing him happy.

“I’m so tired!” Xiaoshi collapsed onto the bed after he’d changed, only for Lu Guang to immediately sit down beside him and remind him of the situation. It’s fine, if it’s what Lu Guang thinks is best, then that’s that.

“Me too. I think it’s the jetlag.” he fell down on his back next to him.

That made Cheng Xiaoshi laugh hard, “Yeah, the one hour time difference really hits.” he frowned as he continued to laugh, nudging Lu Guang in the side like he was trying to get him to acknowledge how stupid a thing to say that was, “You must be a really, really old man, then.”

“Can’t be dramatic anymore.” he dragged himself farther up the bed and his head hit the pillow. For a minute, he was silent, Cheng Xiaoshi stared at him all the while. And then he stared back, offering him a smile. “What time’re we leaving tomorrow?”

“We should go out into the city around…ten? Eleven at the latest?” He also shifted up the bed farther until he was sat right beside where Lu Guang’s head lay, looking down at him. “Find anything cool to do in Bangkhon?”

“I found too much to do. We’ll have to choose.” he tiredly stared back as his phone came out of his pocket. He turned away from Cheng Xiaoshi so he could look over his shoulder with him as he started to scroll down a list he’d made. “There’re a lot of temples, though I don’t know how many of those you’d want to see in a day. There should be some cool looking markets where we can buy souvenirs and stuff, uh…oh, the Grand Palace, of course. Might be nice to get a tour guide to take us through there, though. I don’t know how much that costs.” he scrolled down further. “Mm,” he huffed suddenly, “I wrote down that they have a Chinatown. Might be funny to go look at.”

He…was really excited about this. That was good. “What, you already miss home? It’s been half a day.” he smiled.

“Yeah, I’m just itching to go back.” Lu Guang sarcastically responded, and Xiaoshi started to chuckle. Lu Guang kept scrolling past his initial notes and only found more and more obscure ones he’d taken for very specific shops in the area. “I think for the first day, it’s probably best to take it easy, maybe just walk around the city and get a feel for it and pass a couple of the markets. We can take a cab or bus into the center of the city.”

“Sure.” Xiaoshi laid down, his head now hitting his pillow. “We going to bed now, then?” he asked, untucking the sheets and pulling them over him.

“One hour.” Lu Guang stated after checking his watch.

“Hm?” Xiaoshi watched him lean down and pull a book out from the bag next to the bed. He flicked off all the lights in the room except for the small reading light on his left side of the bed.

Lu Guang looked down at him, then at his book again, then at his watch. “Oh, I have, uh…” he awkwardly turned away. “Do you mind? It’s about an hour until I normally go to bed.”

“Oh, I don’t care. I can sleep with the light on, that’s fine.” he tried to say as calmly as possible, but when he turned away from Lu Guang and closed his eyes, he had to use all his power not to scream. He felt Lu Guang also tugging on the blanket and when he eventually stopped, he assumed he was under it, too.

Lu Guang, why in god’s name did you think this was a good idea? Xiaoshi’s hands came to cover his face as he could practically feel it heating up. Not only is he sharing the bed with Lu Guang, not only is he under the covers with him, but he’s lying next to him as he’s doing his typical hot-boy routine of reading himself to sleep. Is he insane.

He can’t even hide himself here. At least with their bunkbeds Cheng Xiaoshi isn’t under Lu Guang’s gaze constantly. If he so much as shifts in bed right now, Lu Guang’s gonna see it. How am I supposed to fall asleep like this?!

Briefly, Xiaoshi considered the possibility that Lu Guang could even hear his heartbeat right now with how close they were. He’d be given away immediately.

He took a deep breath. Calm down, Xiaoshi, you’re literally just lying in bed with the guy. Surely it’s not this big a deal. He shifted around a bit to get comfortable in the bed; definitively facing away from Lu Guang, but comfortable nonetheless. How’re you supposed to fall asleep again? Close your eyes, hold your breath.

…hold my breath?

Lu Guang probably looked at him like he was insane as he suddenly started coughing, trying to get his breath back. “Xiaoshi?” rang in his ears, before he felt incredibly uncertain patting on his back, presumably Lu Guang trying to help him breathe.

When his coughing settled down, Lu Guang was already readily offering him a water bottle, and he ashamedly took it, though refusing to drink it while facing Lu Guang.

“...you alright? Did you swallow wrong?” he asked, but Cheng Xiaoshi just shook his head.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m, uh…” he put the bottle down on the nightstand as he picked his pillow up from the bed and then headed over to the closet to pick up a second blanket. “I’m gonna sleep on the couch, I think.”

“Xiaoshi, if the light is bothering you, I can also go to bed now—”

“No, no, you keep reading.” he actually turned to him for a second, praying that his face was hidden enough by the dark room. Lu Guang’s face looked slightly guilty, but he tried to reassure him that he wasn’t the problem. “The bed is just a little uncomfy, I don’t know why.” he fixed up the cushions on the couch before dropping his pillow down and lying down with the blanket over him. “Ah, see? This is super comfy, I’m great here!” he said slightly louder to reach Lu Guang across the room. “And the light isn’t an issue, so don’t worry!”

“Alright, good night.” Lu Guang once more responded, now shifting around in his newly empty bed and getting comfortable a second time. Xiaoshi was lucky this couch was actually so comfortable or he might’ve had to put up with lying there with Lu Guang next to him.

How did he get through this in Bridon? They’d had practically the same room setup, right?

Stupid. Bridon was three years ago, he didn’t feel this strongly yet. No shit, then. He took a deep breath as he could finally begin to think about passing out now. It’d been a tiring day; similar to Lu Guang, he wasn’t exactly excited about flying either. At least now their flight had taken a normal amount of time compared to the fifteen hours it’d taken them to get to Bridon.

That was probably a factor in why Lu Guang seemed more excited to be here. A three hour flight was definitely a lot less stressful.

Lu Guang yawned from the bed behind him and he suddenly felt all flustered again. Just fall asleep, deal with whatever feelings these are in the morning.

He really wished the morning hadn’t come.

Lu Guang was more than ready to go out, which was something Cheng Xiaoshi was incredibly not used to, considering how mentally unprepared he was.

They ended up taking a bus twenty minutes into the city until they were in a more populated area, people walking by no matter where they went. Lu Guang kept checking his phone every other minute as he guided Cheng Xiaoshi in the right direction towards a mall. It must’ve taken them a half hour total to get there, but when they did manage to get there, Xiaoshi was a little surprised.

He was thrown-off because he’d been entirely out of it and had barely noticed the change in scenery. He was more than lost in his thoughts—if that’s what you could call them.

And, well, not that it was news to him in the slightest, but he was madly in love with Lu Guang. To the point that it was genuinely debilitating. And he’d just remembered all that last night. The only difference is that this Lu Guang doesn’t know about it.

Something touched his shoulder. “Xiaoshi? You listening?” Lu Guang asked in a slightly confused tone. Right, he was discussing where to go, but he’d missed just what he’d said. Well, it was loud here, too.

“S—sorry, I’m a little fatigued from yesterday, I think. Could you repeat yourself?” He is touching my shoulder. He is touching my shoulder. His hand is on my shoulder.

“There’s a ton of clothing stores here, then there’s, like, different antique shops that I thought might be cool to look at, since they might have old cameras and such, and then there’s a market today that’s farther ahead, so that’ll be right at the end of the street, I believe.” the same hand that laid on his shoulder now moved to grab his hand. “It’s kinda busy, so we should try not to lose each other.”

Face entirely red, Cheng Xiaoshi only nodded, smiling both a very genuine and very fake smile at the same time. “Sounds good.” he weakly agreed. Yeah, weak was a really good word for it.

Does he even deserve to tell Lu Guang that he loves him if he’s here in this state? His entire existence in this timeline is a result of him betraying Lu Guang’s rules set for him. He has to keep lying to him now, or Lu Guang wouldn’t want him here.

Would he even understand? Would he understand how deeply he cared? How deeply he loved him? And that that pushed him to this choice?

Of course he wouldn’t. This Lu Guang carries none of the memories of that timeline. There was no chance. He gripped the hand holding his tighter. It’s fine, he’ll get over the guilt. It’s for Lu Guang’s and Qiao Ling’s sakes anyways. He’d rather hate himself living like this than let them die again.

“Are you just tired, or are you stressed?” Lu Guang asked in response to his grip tightening, looking over at him with a bit of concern in his eyes.

Lie. “I haven’t been properly away from the shop since I was little, actually, so I’m kinda worried about Qiao Ling watching over it in my place.” he gave a chuckle.

“When we’re back to the hotel in the evening, you can call her and ask how she’s doing. She probably wants to hear from us, too. I messaged her when we landed.”

Considerate. “I messaged her, too. That’s a good idea, though. Thanks.” his thumb circled around Lu Guang’s skin a little. “Why’s your hand so warm?”

“Why’s yours so cold? It’s almost thirty degrees today.” he replied back, and Cheng Xiaoshi laughed, writing it off, saying he barely felt it, trying to regain a sense of normalcy.

Well, he got all the enjoyment he’d hoped to get out of spending the day shopping with Lu Guang. He got to see him try on a couple different outfits he thought he’d like, making sure to tell him he looked good in every one of them. He spent way too long fangirling over the different antique cameras they did end up having in the antique stores Lu Guang took him to while Lu Guang listened to his incessant rambling about the different models. Once pointed out, the pricetags were rather quick to scare him off, though.

They now walked past a temple Lu Guang had suggested they visit later on in the trip.

The man who seemed to be in charge of entry fees and the like greeted them with a phrase Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t understand, but he assumed meant ‘hello’ or ‘good afternoon’.

“Do you speak Chinese?” was the first thing Lu Guang asked, but that got the man to give him a probably similar look to the one Cheng Xiaoshi was giving the man.

“<English>?” Cheng Xiaoshi understood the man say back, before the conversation between Lu Guang and him absolutely blurred into gibberish.

They…seemed to be agreeing on something. And now Lu Guang was showing him his phone, and…now the man was typing something into his phone. And then Lu Guang laughed, so Cheng Xiaoshi took that as a sign to awkwardly chuckle as well.

“<Ok>, Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang almost forgot for a second to switch back to Chinese when he turned his attention back to Cheng Xiaoshi. “It’s relatively cheap to visit, and he can give us a tour. He says there’s an opening for a time on Thursday morning.”

Thursday was two days from now. He nodded back, “Yeah, sounds good.” he agreed and then turned to the man with a smile to very obnoxiously bow and say “<Thank you>!” to him in English.

“Xiaoshi, can you—” Lu Guang rubbed his brow for a second before turning back to the man. “<Yes, thank you>.” he said, then tacked on some form of goodbye that Xiaoshi didn’t quite catch. Lu Guang urged him to walk away with him quickly and Cheng Xiaoshi figured he might’ve embarrassed him. That’s kinda funny. “We should eat.”

“Mm, I’m starving, let’s go.”

Lu Guang got into bed with the same book he’d been reading last night. Cheng Xiaoshi returned to the couch.

“You super sure you’re not comfortable sleeping on the bed?” Lu Guang asked from the opposite side of the room. Xiaoshi glanced over, then walked towards him and sat down on the bed.

“Maybe just to chat. I don’t know about sleeping.” he brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. “You were super impressive today. It was fun having you as a tour guide, especially since you could communicate with people better than I could. It’s strange, I’ve never seen you go up and talk to strangers before.”

“Hm? Thanks.” he somewhat nervously looked away. “I had fun.” he then stated. “The people seem a lot happier than back home, so they’re more approachable, I guess? Either that, or it’s just the fact I don’t live here. I won’t have to see anybody here ever again in a couple weeks, so it’s easier to feel less ashamed.”

Shame. “Lu Guang, I have a question, by the way.”

“Yeah?” he closed his book, considering he hadn’t read anything in it for the past minute or so they’d been talking, and focused his attention fully on Cheng Xiaoshi.

Sure, that didn’t at all make him more nervous to ask. “Uhm, back before we left, you told me you found my dad’s photo, right?”

“Yeah.” he nodded in acknowledgement.

“And…you said you saw my dad?” he turned his head. “But that picture’s just of the school he worked at, not of him.” he tried to not sound extremely confrontational, since he knew Lu Guang responded badly to that.

“But he was inside the school.” Lu Guang didn’t waste a second to respond back, though, catching Cheng Xiaoshi a little off guard. Lu Guang peeked up at him for a second, before he folded in half and also shoved his face into his knees. “Remember back when…god, that feels like so long ago. Back during the convention. You asked me how I’d found your game back.”

Okay, same conversation. That’s a good starting point. “You joked about using divination to find it, or something. Did you use divination to find my dad?” he laughed like he found it bizarre.

“Yeah, well…I hadn’t told you, cause I didn’t think it was super relevant, but some people in this world are born a bit different.” he fixed his posture a bit and sat back up, then pointed at his eye. “I was born with the power to look into a photograph. I can see every event that takes place within the area the picture was taken for up to twelve hours after the camera clicks.”

“Uh…” he smiled a little awkwardly, trying to remember how he’d actually responded to this reveal back in the first timeline. It’d been so long. “Like, you have a superpower?” he squinted his eyes. “Wait.” he opened his phone and started scrolling for a picture. Eventually he landed on a good one, the selfie of him and his friends before they had their game. “Here,” he showed the picture to Lu Guang, “tell me what happened here, then.”

Lu Guang looked at him strangely, but presumably accepted that this was what he had to do to prove it to Cheng Xiaoshi, so he peered into the picture using his power, and… “Oh, this is the day we met.” he chuckled. “Sentimental much?”

“Huh? No way, you just looked at the date, wait…” he took his phone back and scrolled years back. Twenty-fifteen, he would’ve been fifteen at the time. He showed this picture to Lu Guang now. “Here.”

Lu Guang still looked at him entirely unimpressed, but he looked into this photo as well, and then burst out laughing a second later, “Oh, wow, you got your ass kicked by Qiao Ling. How’re you this bad at competitive video games?”

His face went red. “Okay, seriously—?!” he tore his phone back and put it back into his pocket. “There’s no way you actually have superpowers and you’ve just been keeping it from me! No wonder you knew he was in Bridon specifically…” he frowned at Lu Guang. “Would you have wanted to help me find him using your power, then?”

“Well, yeah, if that’s what you needed. But you said you didn’t need that, so I figured it was fine to come here instead.” he explained. “Sorry I kept it from you, I’d just probably have sounded insane to you if I led with that.” he paused for a minute, and a sudden chuckle escaped him. “It’s not really useful to me, either. I don’t use it in my day-to-day. Back then, I thought it might be good to use my power to help you. Cause then at least I’d be using it for something good.”

“Ah, you’re so thoughtful…” Cheng Xiaoshi tried not to melt, but it really didn’t work. He jumped onto Lu Guang, trapping him down in a hug as he protested by very weakly trying to nudge him off him, though he mostly just accepted the touch.

“You’re heavy…” he breathed. But against his chest, Cheng Xiaoshi could feel Lu Guang’s heart also beating slightly faster. He wondered when exactly the original Lu Guang had started to take an interest in him, too. He probably shouldn’t risk it right now.

He raised himself up and smiled, then fell down right beside Lu Guang and started bombarding him with questions about his power like he remembered he had originally. ‘When did you find out about it,’ and ‘have you ever used it to do something illegal,’ and ‘who else have you told about it,’ and so on.

Then the second day passed by. Xiaoshi could tell Lu Guang was pretty tired from the first day, still, and that he was mentally trying to psych himself up for visiting the temple the day after, so he offered for them to take it even easier that day. Lu Guang readily agreed to that.

“Wouldn’t you want to go to a bookstore around here?” he asked over dinner. A dinner they shared on the empty balcony of their hotel room.

“What, so I could read books in Thai? I don’t figure they’ll have a lot that I like here, but if you want to buy some children’s books to practice like you said you would, then you be my guest.” he took another bite of his food. The room service was surprisingly decent at this hotel, and with the quality of everything else here, he definitely understood why Lu Guang might’ve wanted to save some money on the room. 

“Right, right.” he nodded, “Well, I’ve practiced a bit. It’s, like, ‘siàwàd-nī’, that’s ‘hi’, right?”

“Oh, that’s what you were saying to everyone today.” he rolled his eyes. “It sounds like Chinese when you’re saying it.”

“And then ‘thank you’ is ‘kób-khūn’. See, I know so much.” he nodded at him like he was proud of himself, entirely ignoring his comment vaguely insulting him.

“Okay, I have no clue if that’s correct, but I fully think you butchered that.” he picked his phone up from the table and looked it up, then played the voice on the translate website before nodding a couple times. “You were a little close. Where are those tones coming from?”

“Did you not hear the voice? She said it the same as I did!” he listened as Lu Guang played it again and then repeated, “Yeah, ‘kób-khūn’, that’s what I said.”

When he repeated how he said it, Lu Guang chuckled a bit. “You’re adding Chinese tones onto it, Xiaoshi.” he fell over forwards and played the soundbyte again as he kept laughing.

“You just want to make fun of me, I’m saying it perfectly!” he tapped play again, and repeated as best as he could after the voice playing, but it mostly sounded the same to him.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m glad you’re passionate about it. I believe in you.” Lu Guang added, and he turned over to stare at Cheng Xiaoshi, who had now hovered down beside him, their food mostly finished by now. He sat up a little straighter. “You having fun so far?”

Xiaoshi smiled. “The food here’s totally to die for. And walking around and having fun with you makes me happy, too. So, yeah, I’m glad we came.” he moved away, then took his phone in his hands and searched up a random movie clip as Lu Guang stared at him strangely. “I have a question,” he started as he found one he liked and immediately started playing it, Lu Guang giving him a weird look. He continued, “if you use your power, can you see, like, the behind-the-scenes of the movie?” he asked, shoving his phone with an action sequence in his face.

“Huh? You ask this right after we have a moment?” he irritably leaned forwards and stared at the phonescreen for a bit. “You know how many edits this footage has gone through at this point, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s still footage, and it was still filmed by a camera, so you should be able to look at it, right? Or is your power nullified by video editing?” he giggled at the end of his sentence.

Lu Guang continued to watch the scene, then moved even closer to the screen before making an annoyed sound and shutting his eyes. “It’s difficult to see, and it’s hurting my head.”

That’s interesting. He’d never asked the original Lu Guang about that because he’d never thought about it before. He wondered if he could try to clap into the footage, but he wasn’t sure where he’d end up, and it wasn’t a good idea to do it with Lu Guang right there, so he held back. 

His phone started to ring. Qiao Ling.

Lu Guang looked over his shoulder. “Oh, right, I messaged her that she should call around this time.”

He looked at Lu Guang and chuckled, then picked up the phone. “Qiao Ling.” he greeted her, adjusting the view so she could see the both of them. He noticed Lu Guang slightly adjusting himself still before he appeared on camera, which he silently laughed at in his head.

“Hey!” she excitedly greeted them. She seemed to be calling from her laptop. “How are you guys?”

Hanging on by a thread. “Great! What’s up?” 

She chuckled. “Your shop’s all dusty already without Lu Guang around.”

That triggered something in Lu Guang, it seemed, who immediately lunged forwards and exclaimed, “Wait, seriously?”

“I watched a speck of dust fall today, yeah.” she nodded her head, and then held up her phone to show a picture she’d taken. She zoomed in very, very closely, and then pointed at one of the pixels now displayed on her screen. “See? Dust.”

“...can you not mess with me?” Lu Guang irritably leaned back again and sighed.

“Sorry, sorry.” she continued to giggle softly. “How was today?”

“Cheng Xiaoshi finally managed to eat food that was too spicy for him.” Lu Guang commented, earning him a shove to the side.

“It was regularly spicy, and I could handle it.” he irritably said back, reminded of their lunch that day. He’d ordered the pla rad prik from the menu and when asked about how spicy he wanted it, he said it was up to them. Apparently they had a different idea here of what ‘spicy’ meant.

“He could handle it after downing five glasses of water throughout his meal. He looked like he was gonna cry the whole time, it was kinda disturbing.” Lu Guang continued making digs at him. In response, he turned over to give him a glare.

“And who’s the coward who's been ordering just sandwiches and mild curries for lunch and dinner every day instead of trying the local dishes?” he was quick to get on the offensive.

“They’re made here, with Thai ingrediënts, by Thai people, so they’re local. It counts.” he calmly defended himself, though now also glaring back.

“Well, I’m glad to see you two are still yourselves.” sounded Qiao Ling’s voice from the phone again, and they turned their attention back to her. “Sounds fun, next time take me too, alright?”

“Pay for your own ticket.” Xiaoshi frowned at the screen.

“You’re such a jerk, you know that?” Qiao Ling also got closer to the screen, as if she were trying to get in his face despite the fact they were hundreds of kilometers apart now.

“I’m sorry—who’s collecting whose debts here? You have the money to pay for a ticket.” he continued to argue before Lu Guang ripped the phone out of his hand and started chatting with Qiao Ling on his own.

“We’re doing great, Lingjie. We’ll all do something together once we’re back, how’s that?” he continued the conversation with her, now in a kinder tone.

“Awe, that sounds lovely.” it was almost comical how much her tone lightened up when talking to him compared to Cheng Xiaoshi. “It’s so nice to have someone like you in my life, Lu Guang. So considerate of me all the time.”

“Oh, and when’s the last time you’ve been considerate of me?” Xiaoshi spat from the background. Lu Guang only turned away from him more.

“You mean when I found you crying after coming back to the shop and comforted you for hours? Don’t act like I don’t care.” she irritably shouted back, but that one got Lu Guang’s attention.

“Hm? What happened?” Lu Guang turned back over to Cheng Xiaoshi, but he didn’t want to look him in the eyes now. Thanks, Qiao Ling, he sighed internally.

“Oh—sorry, Xiaoshi.” sounded from the phone. He turned back with a weird smile.

“What? Nothing happened, it’s not a big deal.” he looked over at Lu Guang. “You poke fun at me for it all the time, too. Just mood swings and whatnot.”

“Right, cause someone’s not done with puberty yet at nineteen.” Lu Guang only said. Supposedly a dig, but it didn’t have the same bite to it.

They kept on chatting for a couple dozen minutes after, until eventually Lu Guang signed off, saying they were tired. Qiao Ling was, too. Cheng Xiaoshi went back to the couch to sleep and he tried not to think about that comment. 

…but he was thinking about that comment. He’d half forgotten it’d even happened amidst the stress of everything else, but, yeah, he had cried on Qiao Ling’s shoulder that day. That’s kinda embarrassing.

He couldn’t actually recall why he’d started crying, though. Well, now, with added context, he could at least infer, but at the time it came out of nowhere.

Tomorrow will be a good day, so don’t think about it.

They arrived at the temple around noon—a couple minutes early, as Lu Guang had insisted they did. The guide was eager to let them in and they removed their shoes before stepping fully inside.

“<Well, welcome, everyone.>” the guide spoke English to them. It took Cheng Xiaoshi a minute to process the sentence, and he just hoped for the best that he’d be able to follow this tour. He turned to Lu Guang like he expected him to help him out with translating, but Lu Guang just stared straight ahead at the guide. It’s okay, he doesn’t really need to follow. Just enjoy the experience and take a couple of photos—“<And, please, no photography —— the ———.>”

What? He turned to Lu Guang again, who immediately signaled for him to turn his camera off. He was really hoping he’d misunderstood, but, no, in this case he’d heard right. Pictures were off-limits.

The guide started to talk about…something relating to the temple as they walked on farther in. Xiaoshi was quick to tune him out as he was too easily distracted by everything else surrounding him. He didn’t think he’d ever seen this much gold in his life. Whatever childish part of his brain that just wanted to look at shiny things had more than activated.

Entirely ignorant of what the purpose of any of it was, he only smiled as they walked through gorgeously decorated halls and passed beautiful rooms with so many statues in them. His hands were practically shaking as he wanted to pull out his camera and start taking photos so bad, but held back.

“Xiaoshi, look.” he heard from beside him, his brain somehow shocked at finally hearing Chinese again after a great many minutes of gibberish. Lu Guang was pointing him in the direction of a room entirely full of different, seemingly handcarved Buddha statues. The hands on his camera tightened even more, because, fuck, that looked cool.

“It’s so pretty here.” Cheng Xiaoshi only whispered back. Lu Guang nodded at him. He dropped his camera, put his hands in his pockets and looked back ahead of him, now actively trying to listen to what the guide was saying again despite only catching around ten percent of it. He was talking about water or something.

Lu Guang’s shoulder brushed his for a second, he tried not to notice, but then Lu Guang’s hand grabbed his forearm. He looked down, but Lu Guang wasn’t even looking at him. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and moved down to hold it, then continued walking ahead.

“Lu Guang?” Cheng Xiaoshi softly asked, though he half didn’t want Lu Guang to look at him at all with how red that’d just made him.

Luckily, Lu Guang didn’t feel the need to look up at him, even now. “Something wrong?”

…there is so much wrong with this. His hand now squeezed Lu Guang’s, unsure of what else to do. Focus on the tour, Xiaoshi. You’re only gonna be here once. That’s what he kept repeating to himself in his head, while the rest of his mind hard-focused in on the warmth of Lu Guang’s hand, his shoulder still against his, his soft pulse which he could vaguely feel.

If he can feel Lu Guang’s pulse, that must mean his heart is beating louder, right? …right? 

Am I stupid? It’s Lu Guang. His heart doesn’t beat like that for other people. Wait, speaking of which, we’re in a temple, isn’t this sacrilege?

No, it’s autism. He just likes holding my hand. Fuck. The guide led them into another room. Unlike the empty halls they’d walked through, this room was crowded, full of people kneeling on the floor, incredibly silent. These people were probably praying, he assumed, not having understood whatever the guide had said before they stepped into the room. Not that he could focus either way.

They walked past the people into a sideroom, this one looking exactly similar to the other one. So also a room for prayer, then. The guide ordered them to sit, lit some incense, and opened the window. Then he stopped speaking, and everyone in the room quieted down, too.

Was this some form of meditation? Are we spending a moment in silence? As if I could spend a moment in silence right now, Xiaoshi’s mind reeled. Lu Guang was still holding his hand, even though they were kneeling now. Should he ask him if he’s feeling okay? He could be stressed out…

…but we’re spending a moment in silence. He’s supposed to be silent. He can’t ask Lu Guang shit right now. Cheng Xiaoshi tried to clear his head.

I don’t deserve to be holding his hand like this. If he knew what I was doing, he’d never willingly hold me like this. God, if he knew, then we could kiss this whole trip goodbye. Our whole friendship, even.

Okay, I’ll take whatever I was thinking before this over those thoughts. Cheng Xiaoshi’s head restlessly tilted from one side to the other as he uneasily tried to forget what he was currently thinking of.

“<Are you ———>?” came a near-silent whisper from beside him. But it wasn’t Lu Guang. He opened his eyes again to see their guide kneeling beside him, a genuine expression on his face, like he wanted to help. Maybe he’d asked if he was stressed? Xiaoshi meekly nodded at the man, who then pointed him back in the direction of the statue at the front of the room that they were kneeling before. “<It’s okay, you can ——, too>.” he didn’t catch the word, but the guide put his hands together like he was praying after, so his brain filled it in for him.

I’m really not religious, Xiaoshi wanted to say, but, honestly, if Buddha could help him out of this situation, then he’d take it. He probably shouldn’t outright reject religion, either. Not while in the middle of visiting a temple. Although, wait, how do people pray? He couldn’t even put his hands together, Lu Guang was still holding one. He could put his other hand on top of their joined hands and do it that way…

…and freak Lu Guang the fuck out by doing that? No thanks.

You’re in a temple, Xiaoshi, think holy thoughts. He tried to clear his head again, this time asking someone for help in his subconscious.

Then he suddenly felt his hand being pulled up, and noticed that Lu Guang was now standing. In fact, he was the only one still kneeling. The guide was moving on. Alright, that’s good. But, wait, had it been that long already?

When they got outside and Cheng Xiaoshi got a nice breath of fresh air, he felt a little better, though not much with how hot the sun was now beaming down on him. He noticed his hand was starting to sweat as Lu Guang held it, that’s about the same time that he was finally let go. In the other timeline, when they were together, Lu Guang never gave him fifteen minutes of uninterrupted hand-holding. But whatever. He was happy to be freed again anyways, considering how insane he was going over it.

Although, now that his guilty thoughts had reäppeared in his head again, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about them. How could he be having the best time he’d ever spent with Lu Guang simultaneously as he was racked with guilt from the moment he awoke to the moment he fell asleep? This trip was sort of turning out to be a nightmare.

“<And so that’s ———— the temple>.” the guide concluded after another ten minutes or so of walking in the courtyard. “<The —— is ——— for ———, and, please, do not open any closed doors, because you ————— something, but ——— feel free to walk ——— and admire our temple>.” he happily said. Cheng Xiaoshi caught half of that.

Lu Guang, after what felt like forever of being separated, nudged him again to indicate that they should go explore on their own now. He held his hand out for Xiaoshi to take again, as well, but he just kept walking and pretended not to see. 

“So why’d I even take my camera if photography is forbidden?” he tried to deflect.

“Take photos of the outside.” Lu Guang softly responded. When Xiaoshi turned back to him, his arms were crossed like he was irritated. 

He gave a lighthearted chuckle to maybe fix it. “Was there somewhere you wanted to check out?”

“Hm…let’s walk around a little.” Lu Guang jumped forward towards Cheng Xiaoshi again, and now managed to tug on his forearm, then happily grabbed his hand again, though Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t hold it back.

Lu Guang, you’re seriously killing me here. Xiaoshi weirdly tried to tug his hand out of Lu Guang’s grasp, but it didn’t work. “Hey, Lu Guang…” he got his attention, “it’s kinda uncomfortable when you do that, so…”

“Hm?” Lu Guang looked down at their hands, and then at how hard Cheng Xiaoshi was literally shaking, and hesitantly let go. “Are you okay?”

“M—Maybe I’m getting a bit sick…” he nervously laughed, his now-free hand shooting into his pocket so Lu Guang didn’t have to see it tremble.

“Oh. In that case, I’ve seen enough. Let’s go find somewhere and have lunch. You haven’t eaten much today yet. Maybe you’ll feel better.” he nodded as he started searching for the exit.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart was physically aching at the way Lu Guang immediately switched up like that. Being in love isn’t supposed to constrict your heart like this, is it? Maybe I have a condition…

He continued to follow tightly behind Lu Guang to ensure him that he didn’t need him to hold his hand in order to not get lost. He continued to follow tightly behind Lu Guang because he’d probably worry if he strayed too far, as well.

Xiaoshi shut his eyes for a minute to try and breathe in and out. What his therapist had told him was that focusing all his attention on one thing he liked doing could help him get his mind off the stressors in his life. Maybe knowing that would help if he had anything to distract him right now. Lu Guang only walked on. 

They reached the exit after another few minutes and collected their stuff that they’d stored away there.

“<Thank you for ———>,” said the woman by the entrance in English, “<——free to come by ——— you want if you want to —— or need to get something off your ——>.”

What? Xiaoshi kindly smiled at her and vaguely bowed before they stepped out and he turned to Lu Guang immediately to translate what she’d said.

“She said we’re welcome if we need to pray or need to <get something off your chest>” he switched to English mid-sentence and then continued in Chinese, “like, if you need to admit something that you’re stressed about. It’s an expression.”

Xiaoshi coughed involuntarily. “Oh, okay.” 

“You alright?” Lu Guang looked behind him with a worried expression.

He coughed again, this time more dramatically and into his hand. “Just a little sick, like I said…”

Lu Guang turned back again and kept walking, though his expression didn’t seem to calm itself. Just keep walking, please, Xiaoshi silently begged.

Maybe it would’ve comforted him to know he had somewhere to go to if the thought of that didn’t fucking terrify him. Rule one of whatever he was trying to do here is that he cannot tell anyone, it doesn’t matter how much it’s stressing him out. It isn’t about him, so stop stressing about it, then.

“I can’t believe you! We were ———— to trust each other, and you’re keeping things from me!” a pause to breathe,  “I can’t —— with this ———, it’s over. Fuck you. Have an awful life.” the woman on the TV concluded before walking off screen. Usually they played sports or something in cafés, not a reality TV-show, but all good. Xiaoshi shut his eyes and plastered a smile onto his face as he turned towards Lu Guang. 

“So, what’d you bring with you on the trip? You’ve been reading for almost an hour every night before going to bed.” he tried to start a more lighthearted conversation. 

Lu Guang looked up from his phone, and then turned it off and set it aside as he dug through his bag. He put the book he’d been reading on the table and—wait, why’d he bring it with him while they went out? He brought this to the temple? He set the book on the table and opened it.

“I’m at this part right now, where the big conflict is about to start. I like it cause the buildup’s really good. When I first read it, I read through this whole part in one day cause it was so gripping.” his voice suddenly grew excited. That was a nice change of pace.

“How many times have you read it now?” he asked his next question with a smile. He thinks he remembered seeing Lu Guang read this exact book in the previous timeline, but he never got to ask what it was about.

“This is my sixth time.”

Holy shit. Cheng Xiaoshi tried not to laugh, but that was the most typical ‘Lu Guang’-esque thing he’d heard from him so far. See, just talking to him was already making him feel better. “You do love this book, then.” he grinned. “What’s it about?”

“Ah, well, like I said, this is my favourite part. It’s about these two friends who grow up and spend their life together, but then right where I’m at is where one of them finds out about a whole mountain of secrets that the other is keeping from him. He doesn’t confront him about it, but the rest of the book turns into a sort of mystery-solving pageturner where he’s trying to get to the bottom of just how much of their relationship was lies. Then at the end, there’s a big confrontation between the two, and that’s where his now-ex friend becomes the antagonist. Though it centers around the grief of the protagonist a lot and what it feels like to figure out those close to you are lying to you. And I liked the ending cause they really sell how much of a jerk the other guy is for betraying his friend. It’s all really compelling.”

...what the fuck is he supposed to say to that. Oh my god. Lu Guang thinks I’m a jerk. What? Since when did I start identifying with the antagonist of this book I haven’t read? Am I an antagonist?

Relax, it’s not even like he’d crafted a whole web of lies, he just had one thing to cover up, and it was okay to lie if it was for the sake of the other person. Was it?

“What was he lying about?” Xiaoshi nervously asked, suddenly not too enthusiastic to be having this conversation anymore. 

“Hm? Oh, it’s kinda involved, and you should read the book, but it’s basically a full coverup of a lot of people he was involved with that the protagonist never knew about and what they’d been doing together. He finds out his friend is, like, a serial killer, basically, but it goes a lot deeper than that. You should actually read it.” he eagerly closed the book back up and showed him the cover. “I’ll be done with it by the time we leave, so you can read it after me.”

Lu Guang, I cannot tell you how bad I do not want to read this book, purely for the sake of my own psyche. But he can’t say that. “What happens to the bad friend in the end?”

Lu Guang stared at him for a minute, before chuckling. “I’m not gonna spoil it for you if you’re gonna read it. But it’s not good.”

“Ah, I don’t know if I’ll read it, I have a kinda hard time keeping my attention on books…” he tried to get around it to get an answer. Maybe his lying friend gets therapy and betters himself and gets redeemed. Surely. Surely.

“Hm. Well, we can read it together. Otherwise there’s a film adaptation I’ve seen once or twice, though I still swear by the book. I guess it spoils itself in the first few paragraphs, though, so I can tell you he dies in the end. The protagonist kills him.”

Oh my god, Lu Guang is going to kill me.

Xiaoshi’s head hit the table harshly as he felt nothing but the need to bawl. “Cheng Xiaoshi?” came an alarmed tone.

“I’m okay.” he said in an incredibly unconvincing tone. He believes his voice was actually quivering.

“...ah, maybe let’s go back to the room after this, okay? You should try sleeping in the bed, it might help you get better sleep.” Lu Guang suggested, and Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t in a state to decline. Going back and doing nothing for the rest of the day did seem appealing as hell right about now.

So that’s what they did. And unsurprisingly to Cheng Xiaoshi, it didn’t help get his mind off anything, though it did help him get an extra three or so hours of sleep.

At Lu Guang’s suggestion, he put in a request for an online session with his therapist, which he then had the day after. Her getting to meet Lu Guang was probably a good thing, and it felt progressive, to say the least, but it didn’t help him with too much overall. Lu Guang probably came out of that session feeling better than Cheng Xiaoshi did. Especially since he couldn’t talk about too much personal stuff with Lu Guang still in the room there. Or rather, he wouldn’t.

The happiest moments came from the good times he spent with Lu Guang, immediately soured by the afterthought that he didn’t deserve those good times and that Lu Guang would only hate him more the longer he kept all of this from him. 

Days of city exploration, building tours, trying delicious new dishes and conversations with locals passed. Yet to Cheng Xiaoshi, it all just felt like a gargantuan waste of money, because he couldn’t bring himself to genuinely enjoy any of it. Maybe he should just dive back to last week and fix his attitude up so at least his bad mood wasn’t affecting Lu Guang, too, like it had been. But he knew why doing something like that would only make it worse.

Four more days passed in that manner, and there were three days until they left. He and Lu Guang found themselves at a rooftop bar tonight on top of one of the taller buildings in the city. It was scarcely populated there, possibly because it was late enough on a weekday that most people would be in bed already.

He and Lu Guang shared a table and a bottle of wine together—Cheng Xiaoshi’s suggestion, purely for the sake that it might fix some of his nerves. 

It’d been so long since they’d gone out drinking together, actually, that Cheng Xiaoshi forgot getting a bit of alcohol in Lu Guang made him ramble off history facts. He’d been talking non-stop about the history of Bangkhon for the past ten minutes now. It wasn’t exactly the type of research he’d expected Lu Guang to do when looking into going here for vacation, but, in hindsight, he remembered how often he’d go on a tangent when searching for information. It was charming regardless.

“Xiaoshi?” he suddenly asked.

“Yeah?” Xiaoshi tiredly looked up, the alcohol definitely having gotten to his head.

“The bottle’s empty.” he then pointed out, Xiaoshi noticing it as well at the same time. He stared for a second before looking back at Lu Guang and giving him a kind of ‘what’re we gonna do about it?’ look. “Let’s take a walk around the rooftop. You can get some pictures of the city, I’ll go pay for the dinner.”

“N—No, wait, I’ll pay.” Xiaoshi immediately protested as Lu Guang stood up.

But the response he received only reminded him how drunk he was. “We share the money, idiot.” Oh, right, we do.

They walked a full circle around the edge of the building, staring out over the city, clearing their heads, and taking a few photos along the way. Then they stopped to sit down on a bench that sat overlooking the view.

“That was a nice dinner.” Lu Guang was the first to speak. Xiaoshi made an affirmative hum to agree with him. That got Lu Guang to turn in his direction. He pretended not to notice, so long as it meant he didn’t need to look Lu Guang in the eyes right now. “Are you feeling better?” Lu Guang then asked, however. But he continued before Xiaoshi got a chance to respond, “I was really stressed out with all the work I had to do for my exams, it’s nice to have a break like this. I didn’t even know I liked traveling. Anyways, thanks for bringing me out here. I’m having a good time.”

“...I’m a bit better—” he responded, immediately being cut off afterwards by Lu Guang’s head hitting his shoulder. Note to self, the alcohol does not help. Lu Guang could probably hear his heartbeat and all. “Lu Guang?” he barely whispered in an attempt to get him off him.

“Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang barely replied, and then his hand came to Cheng Xiaoshi’s to hold it as well. What the fuck was happening. “Cheng Xiaoshi?”

“Mm…?” A more nervous-sounding noise hadn’t ever escaped him before.

“Cheng Xiaoshi, I…” he let out a short exhale and took his head off Xiaoshi’s shoulder, then scooted closer in as he made sure he was looking at him. He smiled softly. “Cheng Xiaoshi, I love you.”

…

…

…pardon?

Wait, can changing the timeline cure someone of aromanticism? Wait, what? Lu Guang loves him? It’s been three months, how the fuck does he love him? Does going to Thailand make you fall in love with the person you’re traveling with?

Oh, it’s Lu Guang, of course, he’s talking about platonic love, that must—

—no, is he fucking stupid? Lu Guang’s hand is holding his and he introduced this topic by resting his head on his shoulder. He’s not dense. But since when does he love him?

Lu Guang’s face shifted to one of concern. “Xiaoshi?”

Right, he’s been blankly staring at him for a half a minute and he was redder than the fucking flag. “You love me?” he asked in near-disbelief.

He did, at least, notice Lu Guang going a bit red as well. His hand holding his raised up and he stared down at it. “I’ve been having a great time spending time with you this past week, and you’ve been nothing but kind and considerate towards me since we met. I like being around you, and you’re relaxing to talk to.”

No I’m not. “Stop—stop…” Xiaoshi’s eyes couldn’t be wider. Something had definitely gone wrong, and he couldn’t take another second of Lu Guang genuinely complimenting him. 

Before he knew it, a tear streamed from his eye. And then another, and it was fucking happening again. “Cheng Xiaoshi?” he heard Lu Guang worriedly say, and, god, he wished he would stop making him worry like that. He managed to free his hand from Lu Guang’s grip, and then grabbed his shirt to pull him closer. His head buried itself in Lu Guang’s shirt as he kept crying, whereas the hand he’d squeezed out of came up to his back to try to comfort him. “Xiaoshi, I thought—ah, I thought you felt the same, I’m sorry…” he awkwardly added on as he continued to pat him on the back.

I do feel the same, you don’t even want to know. I feel it infinitely stronger than you do right now. You couldn’t even imagine. You could never imagine. You couldn’t begin to imagine.

“Lu Guang.” he shakily breathed out, his fists tightening in Lu Guang’s shirt, his eyes burning a hole into his lap. He parted his lips again. “I need to tell you something.”

Chapter Text

That night, Xiaoshi finally managed to sleep in the bed with Lu Guang for the first time. This timeline’s Lu Guang was a lot more clingy than he’d remembered, and he ended up falling asleep with Lu Guang’s arms around him, though his heart ached the whole time.

When he woke up, Lu Guang was staring at him. Watching him sleep. That was what made Cheng Xiaoshi remember everything from the night prior, and that was what made him remember all his dread, all at once. 

“What do you want to do today?” Lu Guang moved in closer, so close their faces were almost touching. Xiaoshi uncomfortably backed away from that.

“Whatever you want. I’m always behind you.” he whispered a reply, now feeling Lu Guang’s arms wrap around him again. He was pushed onto his back. He tried to lightly urge him off by adding on a, “You know, a month ago, you still hated hugs.”

But Lu Guang’s head settled on his chest as his eyes fell shut again. “Sorry.” he just said.

What the fuck had he done? Maybe he should go back to yesterday now and turn Lu Guang down instead. It might sting, but he didn’t sound terribly disappointed at the idea he’d get rejected. Maybe for his own sake it’d be better, just so he didn’t feel this shitty.

“Lu Guang, I need to tell you something.” he dreamed of what might’ve happened if he had a pair. He would’ve actually come clean to Lu Guang then, told him everything and <got it off his chest>. But he didn’t, because he’s a coward, and he’s scared.

“Is something wrong?”

And somehow the easier answer hadn’t been, “I’ve been lying to you this entire time,” or “I watched you die in the future, and you wouldn’t get it, but I time-traveled back to see you again,” but rather he’d landed on, “Lu Guang, I love you, too. Since we first met.” 

Coward.

Lu Guang laughed, which only dug deeper into his soul, and then pulled him closer into a hug as he continued to cry, continued to grieve, and Lu Guang couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he was crying for.

He only repeated an ‘I love you’, over and over, and let Lu Guang assume he was simply an emotional person, and that nothing more was at play here.

Going back just to turn him down was stupid, though, cause he wasn’t doing this for himself. He was doing it for Lu Guang. If Lu Guang was happy now, then it didn’t matter what he felt. He put his arms around Lu Guang as well, hugging him tightly. 

He hadn’t actually thought about it yet, but could he even still dive? If he clapped his hands together again, wouldn’t he just reappear in the darkroom, hovering over Lu Guang’s corpse again?

Or had it been too long? Was he trapped here now? That was a whole other line of thought he didn’t want to go down. His hand tangled itself in Lu Guang’s hair as he softly nursed him back to sleep.

“Maybe we should just walk around today and see what catches our eye.” he hummed into Xiaoshi’s chest. “I think just walking around with you is fun.”

A tear rolled down Cheng Xiaoshi’s face, and he only hugged Lu Guang harder. He deserves to know. But I really am just a coward.

Hello, “<S̄wạs̄dī>”, there is? Is there? A taxi. “<mī taxi>”, and then airport. What was airport again? “<Sānam bin>?” was that correct? Sounded near-flawless to him. Oh, wait, he forgot to use the word for ‘to’. Is there a taxi airport. He probably still got the gist, right?

The man he was trying to speak to stared at him blankly for a couple seconds. He could hear him blink. “Ah…?” he made a sound after a few more seconds of wait. “<Taxi? English>?”

Fuck. He defeatedly tugged on Lu Guang’s sleeve to get him to come up and ask for a taxi to the airport in English instead. Which Lu Guang did. And the man immediately understood him. Surely his Thai pronunciation wasn’t that bad.

Lu Guang nodded at the man, and then pointed them in the direction they needed to go to find the taxi back. The past two days had been great, again, on the surface. Xiaoshi was a little excited to go back home, though, to rest. Bizarre, isn’t it? To take a break from the trip you took to take a break. Lu Guang grabbed his hand in his again as they walked away. Xiaoshi had learned to just go with this by now.

“<s̄nām bin>, that’s what I said, right?” he frustratedly looked through his phone as they sat at the gate.

“Sounds the same. I don’t know why he didn’t understand you.” Lu Guang offered support, though in a bored tone.

Xiaoshi scooted in closer and pressed his phone speaker to Lu Guang’s ear, then played the audio of his translator pronouncing it.

“<S̄nām bin>” Lu Guang repeated after what he’d heard. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“It’s unfair how you do it first try…” he sighed. “Ugh, that was my last chance to speak to someone here!” frustratedly, his hand shot up to cover his eyes.

“You can practice again when we come back here with Qiao Ling in a couple weeks.” Lu Guang monotonously joked. That was starting to annoy Cheng Xiaoshi.

But when he turned to him, he saw an expression on Lu Guang’s face that almost looked like he was dissociating. Right. We’re about to fly back. “You gonna miss it here?”

“Hm? It’s fine, just not excited to fly back for another four hours.” he tiredly said. It was seven in the morning now, they’d woken up at five.

Xiaoshi huffed. “You weren’t even awake for the flight here.”

“Wasn’t I?” he sounded even more lost, then nodded, “Oh, right. I could go for another four hours of sleep right now.”

No shit, when you insist on going to bed at twelve every night, even before flying, Xiaoshi thought but didn’t voice. He yawned instead. He didn’t want to spend another four hours next to Lu Guang with nothing to do, so he figured he’d try to sleep a bit as well. His head came down to Lu Guang’s shoulder and rested there—something he recalled the original Lu Guang didn’t appreciate too much, but this one just brought a hand up to softly play with his hair. 

Qiao Ling immediately jumped onto him the second they got back. He was excited to see her again, too, but he wasn’t expecting her to be so enthusiastic that he was almost knocked to the ground. She even drove all the way to the airport to pick them up.

“Easy, Lingjie…” he exclaimed as he tried to maintain balance for the both of them. She was squeezing him harder than he could handle.

“Just trying to get on your good side.” she chuckled and then let go of him. “So, let me know when you’re planning your next trip.” she burst out laughing again when Xiaoshi just nudged her to the side and took his luggage to walk out to the car. “What, I’m serious! I missed you guys. It’s sad not having you two in the shop all day. I had to cook all my own meals again, it was tragic!”

“I’m not your personal chef!” he nudged her away, “You don’t even eat over that often anymore.”

“Awe, I’ll come more often if you miss me.” both her hands wrapped around his arm carrying his luggage, and she pulled herself close to him. He could feel the fluffy texture of her hair, the warmth of her skin grabbing his arm. He had missed her a bit.

“It’s nice to be back. We should all have dinner together tonight.” Lu Guang added in. He looked behind him to check that both of them agreed, when he suddenly paused. “Cheng Xiaoshi?”

“What?” his voice was wobbly, and his hand immediately shot up to his cheek to begin wiping down a tear he didn’t even realise was falling. “Oh, I’m okay.” he said when Qiao Ling also peeked up at him to check he was okay after hearing his voice. She stared at him like she was trying to figure him out, so he shook his head and continued. “I got no sleep on the plane, my eyes are kinda watery.”

“Oh, you should go to bed when we get back.” Lu Guang immediately let out in response to that, and then signaled to keep walking, like he now had a sense of urgency to him. 

“Ah, Lu Guang, wait, wait.” Qiao Ling called as she kept walking, dragging Cheng Xiaoshi behind her. “It’s one in the afternoon, let’s pick up lunch before we go back.”

Right, I am starving, Xiaoshi remembered. He let himself get led along by Qiao Ling out of the airport as he tried to wipe his eyes more. He didn’t sleep on the plane, and that wasn’t a lie, his eyes were watery for no reason, but that probably wasn’t the reason he was crying. He’d been wanting to cry every other minute for the past week. The comment about him missing Qiao Ling had just caught him rather off-guard.

She loaded their bags into her trunk. Cheng Xiaoshi got into the back with Lu Guang while she sat behind the wheel and started the car. Qiao Ling was finally acting kinda like a big sister for once, and it was bizarre, to say the least. Lu Guang also seemed to be back to normal after sleeping for longer. Now he was the only one still out of it.

Lu Guang caught his head on his shoulder again when it fell, and he remembered the implications that their trip would have on their relationship going forward. In the original timeline, their relationship had only started developing this way two years after their first meeting, and now that had changed to just three and a half months after. Would they miss out on experiences they’d had together as friends in the other timeline by so quickly jumping to a romantic relationship? Speaking of which, he still had to ask Lu Guang about just how romantic his feelings actually were. He really didn’t wanna believe that his lack of attraction was somehow altered by a timeline change.

He remembered that conversation with Lu Guang because of how certain he sounded. He remembered Lu Guang being apologetic as if he needed to be sorry for the fact he’d never love Cheng Xiaoshi back in the same way he loved him. It might’ve stung a bit, but it wasn’t something he had to apologise for. He remembered their countless conversations struggling to define their relationship since Lu Guang didn’t view him romantically.

Of course, he wouldn’t be mad if Lu Guang suddenly realised he was attracted to him in that way, and that he did want to be in a real relationship with him, but it was just something he never expected to happen. Especially for Lu Guang to confess his love to him and so early on at that—that was just suspicious. 

The Lu Guang from his memories and the Lu Guang sitting next to him slowly started tearing apart from each other. They’d become separate beings. It became easier to believe that this Lu Guang wasn’t real. He’d left the real one back in that darkroom.

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” his name was called from somewhere. Below him. Lu Guang laid below him. Naked. On the bed.

Wait, where was he?

He said his name again, and with such delight, too. “Xiaoshi.” he grinned at him. Weird. “How come you’re so tired already?”

What? Oh, wait. He dared to look even further down, and, yes, the both of them were entirely naked. Wasn’t he just at the airport? He wasn’t even in the mood right now. Since when was it nighttime? Their bedroom was dark. Was this their bedroom? Since when did they own a kingsize bed? “It’s late.” was his first fully-formed sentence, then, and, “what time is it?” was his second.

But Lu Guang just showed him his watch in response. It was ten past eleven. Didn’t they arrive around noon? Had he slept for ten hours? 

Actually, he remembered something tender like this about a year ago, maybe. He and Lu Guang were laid exactly like this, too. Was it a repeat of that time?

“It’s almost up.” Lu Guang commented, putting his watch away, disturbing that peaceful silence they’d sat in prior. 

Cheng Xiaoshi gently sat himself down on Lu Guang’s thigh, then lowered his head until it rested on his shoulder. He’d slept so much, and he was still so tired. “Mm?” 

“I’m sorry.”

Lu Guang’s tone became chilling suddenly. It was only a whisper near his ear, but it made the hairs on his back stand upright. He heard a wet-sounding slosh, and if he were any less aware of what this scene was, he might’ve found it appropriate for their situation. 

But he looked down at it, and his white sheets were now painting themselves red.

“Lu Guang?!” he practically shot up, though Lu Guang had no reaction. When he tried to figure out where he was bleeding, he realised there wasn’t a wound, he just was. His heartrate spiked. Whatever uncomfortable feeling you get when your partner has started bleeding out mid-sex.

But the fact that Lu Guang didn’t respond anymore spoke louder to him. He tried to look at his face again, tried to clear his tears for just long enough to make out a clear image, but all he saw was empty eyes staring back at him. And the skin beneath him didn’t feel warm anymore. Not warm like the blood seeping out of him.

A scene flashed before his eyes. A scene where Lu Guang had reminded Cheng Xiaoshi that he loved him just before his departure. A scene that hadn’t happened.

When he felt his head falling, he snapped awake.

“Shit, are you okay?” hands came to his shoulders to stabilise him before he fell face-first into Lu Guang’s lap. “Sorry you woke up, I didn’t notice your head start to slip.” he then said. Lu Guang’s voice.

Xiaoshi looked up at him, but again, his teary eyes made it difficult to see him. But it was Lu Guang.

Uncharacteristically, Xiaoshi lifted Lu Guang’s shirt and quickly pressed a hand to his abdomen before he could protest. It was dry there. When Lu Guang puzzledly removed his hand there was no lingering blood. Why did his hands still feel wet, then? “Are you alright?”

“Where’s Qiao Ling?” he first asked when he realised they were now in a stopped car and she wasn’t in the driver’s seat anymore.

“...like we said, we were gonna stop to get lunch. But you were sleeping on my shoulder, so she went in alone to get it for us. I thought you needed the sleep, especially since you’re so…freaked out all the time lately.” he continued to stare at the sobbing Cheng Xiaoshi. Then, he undid his seatbelt and got up to try and reach for the glove compartment in the front seat. From there, Xiaoshi heard a couple tissues being pulled out, before feeling them softly patting his face. If Lu Guang was trying to stop his crying, this wouldn’t help much. He only wanted to cry more. He needed to tell him. Say something!

“Lu Guang…” he cried. 

“I’m here.” he responded softly, in a lightly tired voice.

Xiaoshi wiped some of his own tears at the same time that Lu Guang was trying to clean his face up. “You love me, right? You’re not gonna leave me.” he sniffed. “No matter what.”

Lu Guang paused for a second, but nodded nonetheless. “Did you have a bad dream? I’ll stay with you.” he added, “For as long as I can, like I promised you before.”

Did he know something? Why just as long as you can? Why not forever? He resisted every urge to scream. “That’s not enough!” he still ended up saying somewhat loudly, this time not loud enough to scare Lu Guang, though. His hands moved from his own face to clasp at Lu Guang’s shoulders. “No matter what, you’ll be there! Promise!” Even if you’re wounded badly. Even if you’re on death’s door. Don’t die on me.

Lu Guang stayed silent at that for a second, then opened the car door and stepped out. Xiaoshi almost wanted to cry louder at the idea that that had scared Lu Guang off, but then the door on his side opened as well. “Xiaoshi, step out. We’ll get a bit of fresh air.” he offered to him. Sweet, but that wasn’t an answer.

Needless to say, he didn’t go back to sleep when they finally got home. He would’ve tried looking through some of their nice photo albums together to cheer him up—if they’d existed in this timeline. Instead, he was left lying on his bed where he’d just dreamed himself in his nightmare, staring aimlessly at the bunk above, relying on his memories to remind him of the good times. Why was it always him stuck with his stupid head?

The door opened and Lu Guang slowly came into his line of sight. “Feeling better? You can go back to sleep, you know?”

Nothing would make me more miserable. “I’m not tired anymore. I just needed to lie down.” he forced himself to sit upright, “What’s up? We were all going out to eat together, right? Is it almost time?” his voice and tone brightened up.

Lu Guang stared at him. Stared through him, rather. “I’m…” he turned his head away from him and then dropped down onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s bed, though not facing him still. “Listen, I know I’m not the most emotionally available person. It’s kinda difficult for me to tell what I’m feeling a lot of the time, and it’s even harder for me to pick up on other people’s emotions, so I’m probably not the best person to go to, but…” he dared to turn his head just enough that Cheng Xiaoshi could see his face. “I mean, it might just be that I haven’t known you long enough. But since we’ve met, I can’t help but feel like you’re miserable all the time. Uh—that doesn’t mean you’re not fun to be around, or anything, it’s just…you can talk to me about that kind of thing if you need to. I know you’re getting therapy already, but I’d like to help you, too, if I can.” he paused for a minute to breathe. 

Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t say anything back, still very much in shock that Lu Guang had brought this topic up of his own volition, since he didn’t typically like to have deep talks like this. Though with how he’d been acting recently, he supposed it’d come sooner or later. Anyone with eyes could see how unwell he was. 

“It felt like the whole time we were in Bangkhon, you were distracted by something. Or that you weren’t feeling well. I mean, you mentioned you were sick, so…I don’t know. It just seemed like you weren’t having as good a time as I was.” he then continued after a few minutes of silence. Cheng Xiaoshi was honestly a little surprised he’d picked up on all that, since, in the moment, he couldn’t remember Lu Guang commenting on it too much. Then again, Lu Guang had consistently been asking him what he wanted to do for the last few days of the trip. He supposed that was his way of trying to make it more enjoyable for him. “Sorry if I’m overstepping.” Lu Guang finally said, and then stood up again, but Cheng Xiaoshi quickly grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving the room.

“I…” he stared at him wide-eyed for a second, before letting go of his hand and loosely laughing. “Sorry if I worried you.” he started off, and Lu Guang didn’t seem like he was going anywhere, so he went on, “I had a great time with you, and it makes me really happy to see you, well, happy. And the food was great, and I loved going out with you and trying on clothes or going into trinketshops. And the people there, from what I could tell, were very kind, so…it’s just—there’s whatever voice in my head that says I don’t really deserve to be having fun like that, and to be spending that time with you. Like it’s too good of a thing to be allowed to happen to me.” his voice started to sound like he was gonna tear up all over again. “And I feel like an asshole when I don’t talk about something like that, cause it feels like you can tell when there’s something wrong, but I also don’t know what to say to you. I just…really don’t want to lose you. But that’s kinda parasocial to be saying to you after just a few months.” he spilled, no longer really caring if that was too far.

“Ah, parasocial?” Lu Guang chuckled. “Xiaoshi, I’m the one who told you I have feelings for you.” he sat back down, and now Cheng Xiaoshi got in closer to him. “You’re one of the first friends I’ve made that’s stuck around and kept interest in me for longer than a few months, actually, so—not to be parasocial as well, but I don’t want to lose you either. And I like it here, it’s a nice studio, much better than the place I was living before this.”

“You’re just using me to stay at the photography studio, then!” he jabbed back with a playful smile on his face.

“I’m paying off your debts with you, I get to like the studio.” he commented back and his hand came down to grab Cheng Xiaoshi’s. He was smiling, and the light coming in from the window behind him illuminated his face gorgeously. “And, of course, I love you, and I like spending time with you, so I’ll stay here.”

Xiaoshi couldn’t help but flush all over immediately. Hearing Lu Guang so confidently say something like that to him was rare, to say the least. The way his face was painted right now in the golden hour made it all the more heartening to look at. If he had his camera right now, he’d photograph him a hundred times over. 

Lu Guang’s face then started to get closer, and then even closer. Just before he could actually kiss him, Cheng Xiaoshi frightfully jumped back, his eyes blown wide and staring at Lu Guang like he didn’t know what to do. 

Lu Guang’s eyes opened again and his hands quickly shot up to cover his mouth. “Ah—sorry, I thought the mood was—”

“—it’s fine. The mood was fine. Just give me a moment.” he heavily breathed, now needing to calm his heart down for fear he would flatline eventually if it kept beating this fast. Since when had he lost the ability to function as a person around Lu Guang? 

And why did he jump away from the kiss on instinct? It’s not like he hadn’t kissed Lu Guang before, and it’s not like he didn’t want to do it again…maybe he just wasn’t used to Lu Guang being the one to initiate. Right, that leads him right back to his original problem with all this.

“Hey, Lu Guang…?” Xiaoshi tentatively breathed out to a Lu Guang who was now also staring widely at the ground with a much more flustered expression than a few seconds ago. He nodded like he was listening. “Why did you, uh…why did you confess to me in the first place?”

Let’s pretend asking someone why they had feelings for you was a normal practice and not skeptical-sounding. He at least trusted that Lu Guang wouldn’t take it that way. 

Lu Guang gave a somewhat neutral answer, “Cause I got the impression that you liked me that way.”

…and that was a whole new can of worms. He continued to stare expressionlessly at him, confused at what Lu Guang could possibly mean, and he went on,

“You couldn’t drop the fact I got us a one-bedroom hotelroom, and then you didn’t want to sleep in the bed with me, and every time I grabbed your hand, you’d shut down for a minute, and whenever we were eating together, you wouldn’t even start eating until five minutes after the food arrived because you were too busy watching me eat. That, and you wouldn’t stop holding the door open for me to places, you tried to pay for things for me several times despite the fact that we share an account, and whenever you relaxed, you kept touching me, like putting an arm around me, before immediately backing away and acting embarrassed. You also asked me my type the first night we went drinking and then almost cried when I pulled up a photo of a celebrity that didn’t look like you.” he rambled off, all in rapid succession.

It slowly started to dawn on Cheng Xiaoshi just how incredibly unsubtle he was and how even someone like Lu Guang could easily tell what was going on here. Especially Lu Guang could easily tell. Why the hell had he thought he was being subtle?

“Anyways, it seemed like you were too shy to tell me how you felt, and I wanted to assure you I felt the same before you ruined yourself about it.” he concluded.

“I wasn’t—” he sighed as he sank in on himself and covered his face in his hands. “I was totally gonna ruin myself over it.” he squeezed his eyes shut in his embarrassment. Ignoring how incredibly stupid he felt, he continued on to try and get the answer he was actually hoping for. “I didn’t expect you’d have romantic feelings for me.” he said to try and prompt Lu Guang to deny it.

But instead, all he got was a nod out of him, “Yeah, I could tell.”

“S—so what exactly do you feel for me, then?” he pressed further.

Lu Guang looked at him weirdly for a second, and furrowed his brows. “Wh—do you not believe me?” he suddenly looked worried.

Too far. Backtrack. “I do! I do, it’s just…” now he might panic, too. “Uh, I don’t know, I didn’t picture you as someone who was really interested in romance, and we haven’t ever talked about it since we became friends…so it was really unexpected for you to say that to me suddenly...I guess it’s also the reason I thought you wouldn’t love me back.” he tried to explain in the least accusatory tone he could. Does this Lu Guang just not know yet? Maybe it’s because they got together so much sooner than they had in the previous timeline, so he just hadn’t had the time to figure that out about himself yet.

He heard a sniff from beside him, and immediately got snapped out of his thoughts. Lu Guang’s hand was stuck wiping his eyes, and he sniffed again. Great job, asshole, you made him cry. Lu Guang hardly ever cries.

“Hey, it’s okay, Lu Guang, I believe you. I’m sorry I said that…” he put a hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him, though he was really concerned now. He didn’t know what part of what he’d said could’ve made Lu Guang cry like this.

“I’m not—I’m not mad. Ugh, that’s really frustrating, though…” he stated, then fell back onto the bed with his hands staying firmly on his face. He sighed. “I don’t know. I thought I didn’t fall in love with people like that, but since I met you, I’ve been in a good mood almost all the time. And I enjoy everything we do together, and you’re easy to talk to…I don’t know if it’s love in the same way that other people say I’m supposed to feel it, but it might be as close as I’ll ever get. Sorry if that sounds fake as hell, though.” he sniffed again. He finally took his hands off his face when Cheng Xiaoshi plopped down on the bed next to him.

“I didn’t wanna make you cry, sorry. It’s not fake to me.” he wiped off his tears for him. “I believe that whatever feelings you have for me are real. Sorry I pushed you.” he whispered, their faces now close again, and his hand still lingering on Lu Guang’s cheek. It was probably a good idea not to push Lu Guang into revealing things about himself before he was ready. Especially if he was gonna make him feel bad about admitting it. At the very least, it was one of his questions answered, however gross he felt about it now as he was still wiping Lu Guang’s tears.

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang whispered from beside him, and he focused in on him again. He was definitely staring at his lips. “Can I—”

“Yes.” he cut him off with a huff. He almost had to laugh at himself that he’d reacted so poorly just now he made Lu Guang feel like he had to ask. He moved in closer until their lips finally touched. He tasted like coffee. Of course the first thing he did after coming back home was make himself a coffee. Also, for someone who had never been with anyone before, he was a surprisingly good kisser. Xiaoshi tried to recall if he was like that as well in the other timeline. Might’ve been. He remembered his real first kiss with Lu Guang felt good, too.

He felt Lu Guang’s hand on his hair pulling him off softly, and their kiss broke. And then Cheng Xiaoshi remembered what he was doing, and was endlessly grateful when Lu Guang immediately buried his face in his shoulder in a hug, just so he didn’t have to look at him afterwards. Why the hell was he thinking about coffee and the timelines? He just kissed Lu Guang. There are more important things going on right now.

“Your lips are soft.” Lu Guang mumbled into his hair, and Cheng Xiaoshi turned a whole shade redder.

“Don’t say stuff like that…” he weakly whispered back. Seriously, don’t. I will die.

Lu Guang chuckled, and then hugged him tighter. “You asked me why I love you, am I allowed to ask it back?”

“Now you want me to prove it?” he laughed as well, his hands slowly drawing circles on Lu Guang’s back. What is he even supposed to say? “You’re also one of the first people who’s stuck around for me longer than just a few months. I also enjoy all our time together, even if I’ve been kinda out of it recently, and…well, have you looked in a mirror? You’re gorgeous.” he laughed even harder. “Oh, you just wanted compliments, didn’t you?”

“Just curious, since you said you’d loved me since we first met. Now I know it’s just cause of my looks.” he escaped the hug and sat up. “I guess our feelings for each other aren’t that different, then. At least that’s good to know.” he stood up from the bed, and then headed towards the door. “Qiao Ling agreed to meet at the restaurant down the street in an hour, so take a shower and shave, or whatever you do. I need to finish clearing up downstairs.”

“Of course you’re cleaning on the first day we’re back. You ever relaxed a day in your life?” he poked fun after Lu Guang left the room.

“Ten days, actually, now that we’ve taken that trip.” he flatly replied as he descended the stairs, and Xiaoshi couldn’t help but laugh more. He was…way too giddy in this situation. Don’t let yourself forget what you’re doing to him. What you’re keeping from him. How hurt he’ll be. Thinking about it was enough to stop Cheng Xiaoshi from laughing. He just kissed him, and Lu Guang didn’t know what Cheng Xiaoshi had done. He was practically deceiving him.

It’d been three and a half months now since he’d last kissed Lu Guang. Technically this was his first kiss, too. All the times he’d shared with Lu Guang in the past were lost to time now. It was supposed to be two more years until they had their first kiss together, and yet he got greedy. 

I must be incompetent, I’m messing so much up, and all because I can’t help myself, he shut his eyes at the thought. Lu Guang deserves better. He deserves to know.

“Hey, Xiaoshi.” Qiao Ling followed him out of the restaurant. He’d randomly stood up and told her and Lu Guang he needed a breath of fresh air in the middle of their meal. The inside was crowded and hot, and he was getting way too uncomfortable to keep sitting there. Now Qiao Ling had followed him outside. He said that already.

“Mm. I’ll be back in after a few more minutes.” he said without looking back. He aimlessly scrolled down social media, trying to ignore the presence beside him.

…and then his phone was promptly snatched out of his hand, and he wanted to scream so bad.

“Alright, what?” his hand slid down into his pocket. He gave Qiao Ling a tired look. “It was busy in there.”

“So? Since when do you have problems with crowds?” she squinted at him weirdly. He just huffed and turned his head away from her. This was gênant. I already talked about this with Lu Guang, I don’t really have anything to say to Qiao Ling anymore. I should save it for my therapist.

“Did, eh…” she leaned against the wall beside him, though, continuing the conversation anyway. “Did something happen between you and Lu Guang on the trip?”

Huh? “W—what?” he turned red. “Nothing happened.”

“...Xiaoshi.” she gave him an unimpressed stare, then sighed. “If you two had an argument and can’t be around each other now, then you’re gonna have to figure it out on your own sooner rather than later.”

Aaaaand way far off. That’s fine. Thank god, actually. He super didn’t want to talk about all the embarrassing shit Lu Guang had told him earlier that day either. “We’ll figure it out, don’t worry.” he just agreed, then started a new thought, “Hey, Lingjie, I have a question.”

“Apologise with flowers. I don’t know what kind he likes. His favourite colour’s blue, right? Get something blue.” she unpromptedly started giving advice to a question he hadn’t even asked yet.

“Okay, blue flowers. I have an actual question.” he continued in a monotone voice.

“Yeah?” she smiled up at him, but he didn’t meet her eyes. The look on his face was probably a little too serious for the situation.

Thinking about how to phrase this. “If your best friends died, but you had the power to timetravel back and save them, would you do it?”

“Uh…yes? Is this a trick question?” he looked down at her with a frown when she so easily answered, and she glared back even more confused. “Why give me hypothetical timetravel powers if I can’t use them? Yes, I’d use them.” she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Well—there’s consequences to using them!” he explained to her like that should’ve been obvious too. “Like, you might mess up the timeline, or you might not be able to save them.”

“What, it’s that vague?” she thought about it for a second. “I mean, it’d be a boring answer to say ‘move on and find new friends’, right?” 

Oh, right, wait. “I forgot to mention, but one of them isn’t just your friend, you’re also fucking.”

Her face twisted as if she’d just smelled something awful. “Gross. Why.”

Did she just call me gross? “Just—it’s the hypothetical! Fine, they can just be your friend, too, whichever holds more impact for you.”

“So, we’re talking like…Shanshan, Liu Ye, Lu Guang…Dong Yi? They all died and would I go back?” she questioned further. 

“What? Why am I not on that list?” he somewhat offendedly asked her, and she raised her shoulders.

“Oh, you want to be dead in this scenario, too? Okay.” she nodded, then thought about it more. “Okay, so every prominent person in my life vanishes or whatever, and…do I still have parents to cry to?”

Ouch. “You don’t.”

“Okay. So everyone’s dead. Do I timetravel back?” she rephrased his question as if she were trying to understand what this hypothetical was but couldn’t at all figure it out.

“But it could turn out bad.” he added. “Like, more people could die.”

“More than everyone? Okay.” she nodded again, and then looked up at him with a look that implied she thought he was stupid. “So, like, what other options do I even have at that point? Yes.”

“Eh—” he tried to play devil’s advocate again, but he really couldn’t disagree with her. Yeah, what else is there to do? That’s kinda how he felt that day, too. “Well, what if they didn’t want you to go back because of the consequences?”

“Seriously? We’re still going? What show’s this from?” she chuckled and pushed him softly. “Now my friends want to die? What am I supposed to answer, that I’ll die with them?”

Well, he really didn’t want to do that. Xiaoshi blinked a few times as he processed her words.

“Is this one of those situations where you’re super torn up about something you watched? You need to stop watching depressing things.” she told him.

No, Qiao Ling, this is my life. God, I yearn to pay my therapist a visit. “You’re right. Fine.” he agreed with her to not have to go into it any further. “Don’t tell Lu Guang, he was annoyed when I kept asking him the same question earlier.”

“Seriously? You asked him too?” she laughed. He should’ve, but no, he hadn’t. He couldn’t. But that’s also why Qiao Ling couldn’t tell him. He had to tell him himself. He hoped she’d forget the conversation even happened by tomorrow.

He could not stop rambling the minute he got back in that therapist’s office. Two weeks since the trip, and he finally had his next appointment. He shouldn’t have been so excited for it, maybe, but it was something he’d been looking forward to for a while now. He really missed having someone uninvolved to more openly talk to. Though, he had been pretty open recently, hadn’t he?

“I’m sorry to hear the trip was hard for you. I’m glad you could still have a little fun, though. Have you maybe gotten any better an idea of why you felt so bad during it all?”

Let’s play a game of ‘do we tell my therapist about my relationship with Lu Guang now?’. How homophobic might this woman be. She seems very normal, so probably not at all, right? But is he willing to risk having to request a new therapist if she reacts badly? Well, it’s probably an important enough part of himself to talk about that it should come up in therapy anyways. He shouldn’t keep seeing her if she couldn’t help him with it. “I have an idea, actually.” he started, just hoping to god this woman wasn’t a hardcore traditionalist, “I’ve kinda…been in love with Lu Guang since we met, and I didn’t know how to be around him the whole trip. I felt, like, creepy for feeling that way when I thought he didn’t want me back. That, and…it’s kinda difficult to believe that someone like myself even deserves to be in that kind of relationship with anyone.” sure, make yourself sympathetic, that works.

But his therapist just nodded. “Thank you for sharing.” she said with what looked like an understanding smile. “You said you ‘thought’ he didn’t love you back?” 

Xiaoshi nervously laughed. “He actually ended up being the one to tell me he loved me, so that was a big shock for me.”

Now she very widely smiled. “Oh, that’s great! Congratulations!” her tone grew higher. “It did always sound like you placed a lot of importance on him, so I’m happy for you.”

Oh my god he’s in the fucking clear. His therapist is not homophobic. He should call Lu Guang about this. Come to think of it, that was the first person he’d actually came out to in this timeline so far. Lu Guang and Qiao Ling didn’t count. He forgot how confident he’d gotten in his sexuality in the three years after meeting Lu Guang.

 Whatever background noise that was playing stopped, and he realised he’d entirely missed what his therapist had just said.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you.” he apologetically said. This had happened more than once in therapy so far, where he gets lost in his thoughts thinking about his own thoughts and forgets to listen to what the person in front of him was saying to him, and—oh my god her mouth was moving, she was speaking to him again. Listen. “Wh—one more time.”

She sighed, but patiëntly repeated herself nonetheless. “We should think about why you feel that way, that you don’t deserve affection. Do you have an idea where that might come from?”

Oh, right. He’d heard that the first time. “Well, I’ve never really kept friends for long in the past. So, you know, that might be it.” he somewhat awkwardly laughed. “I guess I’m just not used to it.” using every excuse to not have to bring up his parents again.

She nodded again, and wrote something down again, showing him what she’d written down to make sure he was alright with it (a result of Cheng Xiaoshi getting anxious of what she’d been writing about him in their prior sessions). Then a followup. “Do you know why you had a hard time keeping friends?”

Fuck, did he know? “I think I was a pretty problematic child. And especially after my…parents left, I was kinda depressed all the time, so I might not have been the most fun to be around. I guess cause I pushed people away so much when I was younger, I never really knew how to be around people when I got older. Also, like, people have a hard time understanding me, or something like that. Think I realised that after getting close with Lu Guang and finally feeling listened to for the first time. Other people, I felt like, didn’t want to stick around long enough to get to a point where they cared to listen to me.” he yammered something off the top of his head. He never did understand why people tended not to like him. He never really found himself that unlikeable. “Lu Guang doesn’t have that problem. But I think he had a similar experience to me with friendships in the past. That people didn’t wanna give him a chance.”

She hummed. “Xiaoshi, I have a request.” she then brought up. 

“What’s up?”

She typed in a couple things into her computer for a minute before turning back to him. “Just looking something up.” she reassured him. “I’m wondering if next week, during our session, you’d mind postponing the regular chats and taking some tests instead.”

“Like…what kind of tests?” he looked at her skeptically. Is she looking to dissect him?

“It’ll just be during the session.” she clarified, “I believe it’d give me a better perspective on you and maybe help me build up towards a diagnosis for you as well.” she told him. “That was something you were interested in, right?”

Not dissecting him. “Oh, yeah. Alright, that’s fine.” he pretty happily agreed. He knew that being diagnosed with depression would probably help him get at least a few accommodations. Specialized treatment to help and support him being the one that looked most attractive to him. 

Of course, he wouldn’t take any test before first asking a hundred different questions about what the test would entail while his therapist reassured him he’d be alright. Whatever happened, he did not want to fail his mental health exam and get written off as just an idiot again for the nth time.

Well, the tests went well. His therapist reassured him that he was doing great the entire time and, childish as it was, he got to pick out a candybar to take home with him after the appointment, which made him feel better. Though what weirded him out a bit was that she told him it may take up to a month to get back to him with an official diagnosis. Whatever they needed to be accurate, he supposed.

That month passed rather quickly. He had a lot going on trying to remember how to deal with university again while at the same time also now being in a strange, undefined relationship with Lu Guang. One that meant he now got ‘welcome home’-kisses on the cheek or mouth every time he got home from uni (somehow, all his classes ended up being late ones whereas all of Lu Guang’s were early in the morning), and a lot of cuddles in the evening. Ever since he’d started talking about his insecurities so much and so openly, though, he felt a little easier accepting this affection.

Did he deserve this from Lu Guang, knowing he was lying to him? Probably not, he still had to tell him at some point. Did he at least think it was alright because it was what Lu Guang wanted, not something he was forcing on him? Sure. And could he stop thinking about it completely? For the most part, lately, yes. 

It was difficult to turn down when Lu Guang’s touch always made him feel that much more content and safe. 

His arms wrapped around him. “Am I sleeping here tonight, too?”

“I like having someone to cling to.” Xiaoshi chuckled back in response.

When he closed his eyes, he could feel Lu Guang shifting in his embrace. Before long, he felt warm breath against his lips, and then a soft touch of Lu Guang’s lips to his. His hands shot up to Lu Guang’s face to hold him and kiss him back harder. The arms around him gently rubbed at his back. Lu Guang’s leg wrapped around Cheng Xiaoshi’s to trap him there further.

And then, Cheng Xiaoshi’s tongue must’ve scratched his mouth in just the right way, because Lu Guang let out a soft, moan-like breath straight into his mouth.

Almost immediately, he froze, and then did everything in his power to break the kiss and back up as far as he reasonably could while not scaring Lu Guang.

Lu Guang carefully opened his eyes, head lying on the pillow with his face beautifully flushed and his eyes lidded. “...what’s wrong?” he asked quietly, seeing the kinda terrified look on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face.

“No, nothing…” he affirmed, because he actually didn’t have a clue what to say. Was there something wrong? He’d had sex with Lu Guang before, why did this suddenly scare him?

Because it wasn’t Lu Guang? Because he was still deceiving him? Should he tell him now?

…no. Still too much of a coward.

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed, threw an arm around Lu Guang again, and told him he was going to sleep. He hadn’t stopped thinking about that nightmare from a couple weeks ago, either. Thinking about that kind of made him repulsed at the idea of having sex with Lu Guang again, even if it wasn’t rational to worry about Lu Guang randomly starting to bleed to death in the middle of sex. It was still on his mind, and it was still freaking him out.

Lu Guang gave him a peck on the cheek before getting in closer and also presumably trying to sleep. He wasn’t used to Lu Guang being clingy like this as well. He wondered what had caused him to get like that, and wondered if it might’ve been because of the trip, and spending such quality time together so early into their relationship. Not that their Bridon trip was all awful, but it was a lot of mystery-solving above all else, Lu Guang was in a more serious mood the entire time, and it definitely didn’t involve a love confession at the end. He might’ve actually spent more time talking to Xia Fei on that trip than he had Lu Guang, in all honesty. 

“What happened last night?” Lu Guang asked him when he came downstairs in the morning. It was kinda rare for Lu Guang to be up before him. He’d made coffee for the both of them.

“Ah? I was tired.” he really didn’t want to talk about this.

Lu Guang stared for a second, and then slid a cup over in his direction. “That’s all? Alright.” he said, seemingly a little uplifted by that. “I was worried I’d made you uncomfortable.”

Well, a little bit, but that definitely wasn’t Lu Guang’s fault. He questioned whether he should say something. Maybe a short explanation. “I might, uh…not be ready to go that far yet.” he said softly, like he were embarrassed. He’d been the one to initiate most of the time in the past, after all. In his head, he’d already practically cemented that he’d only feel comfortable doing this after coming clean to Lu Guang. It just felt creepy otherwise… 

Ugh, I need to tell him.

But Lu Guang just nodded at him, though. “Okay.” was all he said before going to get a handtowel and wiping down the counter after using it. Wait, did he not care at all?

Of course he doesn’t care about waiting, he’s not sexually attracted to me, the thought hit Xiaoshi. That was…actually kind of relieving. Wait, but I kind of want him to care. Look a little torn up about it, at least.

He looked back over to Lu Guang, who hung the towel back up on the rack and then came back into the main room, staring at Cheng Xiaoshi. “Did you not want coffee?” he asked when he saw he hadn’t touched his cup.

Or change the subject completely. He sighed. “Thank you.” he said as he took it and took a sip. Lu Guang somehow easily learned to make it in a way that he liked after only a couple times of making his coffee. Maybe that meant they were soulmates or something. 

He drank the cup empty, staring at Lu Guang all the while, and wondering what was wrong with him for reacting like that yesterday. It’d be inappropriate to talk to his therapist about something like this, wouldn’t it? Lu Guang met his gaze for a second and he nervously looked away. Wimp.

He came to sit next to him on the entryway couch when the bell rang from the front door.

“Morning, you two.” Qiao Ling tiredly said, and Lu Guang immediately got up again from the couch to go get the coffee machine again. “Ah—don’t bother, I already had some.” she stopped him, though.

“Oh, alright. Good morning.” he instead just greeted her, but didn’t sit back down to rest again and rather started setting things up behind the counter. It was a Saturday, if Cheng Xiaoshi recalled, which was typically one of their busier days. He wasn’t really looking forward to that.

“Morning, Xiaoshi.” Qiao Ling repeated as he practically hadn’t acknowledged her presence at all. She threw herself down on the couch beside him and scooted up next to him until he had no more personal space.

“I heard you, sorry. Morning.” he neutrally muttered. He really needed to stop getting into bad moods first thing in the morning.

“D’you have time today?” she prompted, which confused him a bit. Do I have time today?

“...no? I need to run the shop today, what’re you talking about?” he stared at her strangely.

“Lu Guang can run it, can’t he?” she started, and he perked up at the sound of his name. “Can’t you, Guangguang? I have something I need Xiaoshi for today.”

“Yeah, sure.” he responded after brief consideration with a nod.

“Eh—Qiao Ling, what’re you doing?” he apprehensively sat up with a nervous look to him. She only scrolled on her phone for a couple more seconds before looking up again. 

“No, I can’t, I need you.” she decidedly said. “Xiaoshi, you need to join me. Go upstairs and get your things, we’re heading out now.”

He already had a slight clue of what this could be, but he was really hoping that Qiao Ling wasn’t insane enough to pull that right now. She continued to urge him upstairs regardless, so he sighed and walked up.

Jacket, keys, wallet, aaand…that was it, right? Earbuds. He looked around, considering going back down now, but felt like he was forgetting something. His phone was in his pocket. No, that’s the wallet he just put in there. Phone. 

He somewhat uneasily came back down to see Lu Guang already diligently at work, seemingly unbothered at the thought of running the shop alone today, and Qiao Ling eagerly awaiting to leave with him. Insecurely, he walked over to her and she grabbed his arm faster than he could escape it.

“Okay, great! See you, Lu Guang.” she quickly waved to him, gave him a small window to wave back, and then pretty much threw Cheng Xiaoshi out of the shop. She looked at him for a couple seconds, before typing up something on her phone and smiling. Taking his hand again—gentler this time, she pointed their joined hands forwards. “This way. Shanshan’s meeting us.”

Oh my god. She’s actually taking me shopping right now. 

Xiaoshi really tried to remember what else could possibly be in this direction other than the mall, but seeing how secretive Qiao Ling was just now, he had to assume she was taking him there without specifying, because she knew he wouldn’t willingly go. Did she genuinely think having a girls’ day would cure his mood? There’s a lot wrong with her, isn’t there?

“You have a good rest?” she asked. Her hand was still tugging him forwards. He didn’t want to be here right now, there was nothing wrong with running the shop for the day.

“Slept eight hours.” he turned away from her. It was pretty early, but it was already incredibly bright out.

Her shoulder hit against his arm intentionally. “You have your next session tomorrow, right? With your test results.”

Right. I told her about that. “They’re just gonna assign me to a different therapist to help manage my depression better, maybe have me follow a course. Not sure.” Why this conversation topic? “Figure I’ll get better as time goes on, so don’t worry about me too much.”

“You know, I don’t know what happened, but you’re talking a lot more maturely lately.” she sighed, rubbing her temple. “Xiaoshi, I was thinking about what you asked me before, about timetravel and whatever…” she said, and his eyes widened slowly. “Uh, is there something else going on than just ‘being depressed’? Like, is there something weighing on your mind that you feel bad about? Or, well, something you regret, I guess.”

Fuck. He’d almost forgotten he’d said that. How the hell did Qiao Ling even remember that? That was nearly over a month ago now. He was starting to get a headache. “Uh, well, no…?” he turned even more away from her. In a minute from now, he’d be walking backwards.

Qiao Ling let go of his hand then, and right when she did, he created more distance between the two of them as they were still walking. As he was still walking, he realised just a second later. Qiao Ling had stopped.

“I guess you don’t trust me as much as you used to.” she sadly chuckled. “That’s fine, I just hope you’re at least talking to Lu Guang about this.” she said. He didn’t really mean to hurt her with that. What the hell was he supposed to say now? “Xiaoshi, let’s just do something fun today and wind down, kay?” she tacked on.

“...yeah. Kay.” he nodded in agreement, and she smiled a little wider as she kept walking. He followed behind.

“Are you serious? I can’t believe he actually said that to you, my god.” 

“Oh, I’m fine…” Qiao Ling abashedly said, “He’s being transferred to another location anyways, so I only have to put up with him for about one more week.”

“Should be fired. What an asshole.” Shanshan’s shoulders sagged, as if losing tension, and she sighed. “Dong Yi’s had the same problem, bothersome coworkers at his job.”

“Oh yeah, forgot he also had a sidejob.” she giggled. “How does he have time for that and uni and you?”

“Excuse me? He always has time for me.” Shanshan rolled her eyes, and nudged Cheng Xiaoshi in the side, who was just barely paying attention to the conversation. “How does Xiaoshi have the time for running the shop and uni and Lu Guang, then? You make time for people you love.”

“Ah, Dong Yi loves you, does he?” Qiao Ling smugly replied back, which only made Shanshan groan.

“That was so not the point of what I was saying. Just shut up about that already…” she picked up her phone to start typing something into a search. “You getting hungry? Boba place is just around the corner.”

“Yeah, sure. Xiaoshi?” Qiao Ling turned to him suddenly, and he had to say something.

“Yeah.” he might’ve said something more, but he didn’t.

“Is he always this quiet or has Lu Guang rubbed off on him?” Shanshan giggled, and Qiao Ling nudged her lightly with her elbow. They turned the corner.

“Right, cause he’s contagious.” Xiaoshi rolled his eyes.

“Soft boy epidemic.” Qiao Ling commented as she continued to laugh alongside Shanshan. Xiaoshi might’ve thought it was funnier if he didn’t know the genuine reason behind why Lu Guang didn’t like to talk.

“I thought you were pro-men holding their mouths shut? You ask me, Lu Guang’s a gentleman. Maybe Cheng Xiaoshi’s learning from him.” Shanshan instead suggested. Sure, that’s fine. He didn’t hate that.

Qiao Ling pushed the door to the café open, making a small jingle play. They found their seats by the window and promptly sat down. The environment in here was kinda nice. The menu looked good. He was getting rather hungry. Might as well try to be a little more social.

“Can I get you all something to drink?” a deep voice asked from beside them. They all looked up at the server who stood with a small notepad and smiled at them.

He was so tall, dark, neat hair, he looked like he worked out. He stood before them in a black apron.

Qiao Ling and Shanshan stared for a second, before snapping their eyes down to the menu to scan it. “Ah, strawberry milktea?” she anxiously nodded, and then looked over at Shanshan.

“Yeah, same for me.” Shanshan nodded back, staring up at the man.

“Latte, if you have it.” Xiaoshi said. 

The waiter gave them all a quick wink before heading back over towards the counter. All three of them watched him leave until he was out of sight, and then immediately turned to look at each other.

“He’s so hot, did you see that wink?” Shanshan started.

“His hands looked so strong…he totally looks like he works out.” Qiao Ling whispered back.

“Nice ass.” was all Cheng Xiaoshi added. That got Qiao Ling and Shanshan to look at him sideways. Wait, I am out to them. I am, right?

“Seriously, Xiaoshi…” Shanshan just laughed and hit him on the arm. “Oh, he’s right, though. Those pants were doing him some serious favours.”

“I’m gonna tell Dong Yi you said that.” Qiao Ling giggled as Shanshan got defensive.

“I can’t believe you! It’s so not like that between us.” she irritably leaned down on the table. It was so incredibly like that between them that Cheng Xiaoshi had to actively try to keep his mouth shut. Telling Shanshan she’s in denial might fuck the timeline.

“And what about you? Lu Guang let you run your mouth like that when he’s around?” Qiao Ling leaned over the table towards him as well, with a playful look in her eyes. He’d been pretty…overly-familiar with Lu Guang lately, so he supposed this wasn’t an out of pocket thing to say. Judging by how often Lu Guang complimented other peoples’ appearances back when they were together in the previous timeline, he really wouldn’t care.

“He lets me hit on exactly one other man a day.” Xiaoshi just responded, still under the assumption that Qiao Ling thought he was joking. Her laughter told him she did, which made him kinda wonder when they’d come out about their relationship in this timeline. He probably had to wait even longer than before, since it’d be a while until Lu Guang felt comfortable admitting something like that to Qiao Ling.

“Ah, he’s coming back.” Shanshan quickly, stiffly turned back towards the table as the man walked up with a tray. Xiaoshi could see her tense up as he placed her drink down.

“Boba for the ladies,” he said in that same, smooth voice, then walked around to where Cheng Xiaoshi was sitting. “And a latte for the gentleman.” he placed his drink in front of him. He looked over the table with a smile. “You three ready to order?”

Qiao Ling tensed, too. “Ah—give us, maybe…ten minutes…” she fixed her eyes down on the menu as she started to look over it.

“Very well.” he nodded and walked back again.

“Damn, he’s good.” Xiaoshi laughed, leaning forwards to look at his own menu.

“Not a word, Xiaoshi.” Qiao Ling fixatedly stared down.

He tapped the table, “No, I get it. I’m blushing, too.” he continued to giggle.

“That voice is straight out of a movie. They should advertise outside that they have <Prince Charming> working here.” Shanshan sighed as she glossed over the menu. “Think if I order something, I could get him to repeat it? I need him to say ‘grilled chicken tenders’ in that voice to me.”

“Fried fish skewers. I need him to say the word ‘skewers’.” Xiaoshi agreed.

“Suddenly, I’m starved for meat.” Shanshan continued seductively before being cut off by Qiao Ling’s fist hitting the table.

“We’re in public, oh my god.” she hid her face as she continued looking. Xiaoshi and Shanshan couldn’t hold back their laughter.

Their day out ended a couple hours later, after a couple more clothing stores and a new overshirt for Cheng Xiaoshi that Qiao Ling had insisted on paying for. 

Now he walked back towards the station to see Shanshan and Qiao Ling off. Qiao Ling grabbed his hand again as they walked.

“You don’t—” he huffed. “You don’t need to hold my hand, Qiao Ling. I won’t get lost.” he tried to shake his hand loose, but she wouldn’t let go. “And besides, it makes it look like we’re dating.”

“Shanshan.” Qiao Ling just called in response, prompting her to move to Cheng Xiaoshi’s other side and grab his other hand. Satisfied, Qiao Ling grinned. “There, now it just looks like you have overbearing sisters.”

“Or a harem.” Shanshan joked, earning a fake-gag out of Qiao Ling. Xiaoshi just tried again, even harder, to escape out of their grips. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. We’re out of your league.”

“What’s your problem…?” he finally pulled free of their hands, and immediately locked his hands into his pockets to protect them. And yet Shanshan immediately jumped onto him and interlocked arms with him.

“What, it’s funny, since you’re into guys and all.” she explained, as if that explained anything.

“My funniest quality.” he sarcastically replied, now shaking his whole upper body to try and get Shanshan off. “Right below being into women.”

And that got her to let go. “Wait, huh? You’re joking, right?”

“No, it’s really funny, you’re right.” he smiled at her, but was also a little confused as to what got her to suddenly back off.

“Qiao Ling, since when does he like girls?” she leaned forwards to properly see her, and posed her question as if Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t right there.

“Wait, you thought I was gay this whole time?” he was taken aback. Qiao Ling only stared at the two of them.

“I mean, I can’t back you up here. Why’d you think that? He’s liked women his whole life, to varying degrees.” she shrugged.

“The hell does that—?” he was cut off.

“You play basketball in an all-men’s team!” Shanshan quite nearly yelled, and had to quiet herself down.

“Most basketball teams are—! Listen, that mostly has nothing to do with my sexuality. Do you think I spend the whole game ogling my teammates? They’re not all that.” he sounded almost offended.

“You run around all sweaty and in little short shorts all day, it’s what I’d be doing.” she said, somehow making it worse.

“There you have it, that’s why women can’t play basketball with us.” he stated in a neutral, lightly sarcastic tone.

“See! He’s sexist, so he can’t like women!” she complained to Qiao Ling, who actually nodded and seemed to agree this time.

“You heard her, Xiaoshi. You lost your women privileges with that one.”

Cheng Xiaoshi rolled his eyes as they approached the station. “Go, then. I’ll see you guys.”

“Mm, remember to thank Lu Guang for running the shop alone today.” Qiao Ling reminded, and then moved in for a quick hug before running back off to where Shanshan was, nearer by the station.

“See you, Xiaoshi!” Shanshan managed to yell before they went in. He waved them both off.

…shop was another ten minute walk ahead. Might as well let Lu Guang know I’m on my way. It’s already late, he should’ve closed up by now. 

Sure enough, the shop was empty. At least, the ground floor was. “Lu Guang!” he shouted. Waited. No reply. He ran upstairs.

Their bedroom door was shut. He knocked briefly, before hearing a soft hum. Opening the door, Lu Guang was lying on Cheng Xiaoshi’s bed, earphones in, and reading a book. A new book. 

“Hey.” Xiaoshi called, and already saw Lu Guang taking his earbuds out and putting the bookmark into his book. “You just locked up?”

“Half an hour ago.” he sat up and invited Cheng Xiaoshi to sit beside him. “How was today?”

“I had a good time. Been a while since I’ve spent time with just Qiao Ling and Shanshan together.” he had a soft grin when he sat down. At least, he must’ve, cause Lu Guang commented on how he looked happy. He supposed he had had a good day. It’d been a while since he’d passed a day almost entirely free from worries. Being around Lu Guang at any given moment was kinda the kicker. “How about you?” he asked in return. 

“Tired of talking to people.” Lu Guang laid back down and shut his eyes. “Kinda tired in general.”

Cheng Xiaoshi laid down, too. Lu Guang looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. Or, well, laying with his eyes closed. “What’d you want for dinner?”

“Ah, right.” his eyes reopened. He stared at Cheng Xiaoshi for a second. “I had rice for lunch, so anything but that is fine.”

“Got it.” he looked in Lu Guang’s eyes while they were still open. It’d been a while since he got to look at him so closely. Of course, it was only a few seconds or so before Lu Guang insecurely glanced away from him. Xiaoshi reached up to his cheek, though, the touch prompting Lu Guang to look back up.

There was definitely something wrong with him. He got closer to Lu Guang to kiss him, something Lu Guang couldn’t have reciprocated any faster the second their lips touched. It was kinda funny for Lu Guang to so openly want him back. He always appeared a lot more reserved before he dove back.

“I missed you today.” Lu Guang confessed when they broke apart again. “It’s kinda boring in the shop alone. I kept thinking there were things I wanted to tell you.”

Xiaoshi tried really hard not to blush like crazy at that. “You can tell me now.”

“I know.” he moved back in, this time kissing Cheng Xiaoshi on his cheek, then his jaw, and then his neck. That was enough, not to freeze up, but to lightly push Lu Guang back before he did anything more. He reminded himself that he had to tell Lu Guang about his diving sometime soon, because this discomfort he felt now surely wasn’t doing him any favours. Above all else, he didn’t like pushing Lu Guang away when he went out of his way to show him affection. He didn’t know how to tell him that he still appreciated that, that he didn’t actually hate Lu Guang’s touch. But Lu Guang seemed to get the message anyway, and didn’t push any further. He looked like he didn’t mind. Xiaoshi hoped he was reading him right. “Should I tell you about it now, then?”

Xiaoshi brought a hand up and rubbed at his neck for a second before sitting up. “Sure, let’s go downstairs.”

When the next day came, Xiaoshi had to set five alarms to remind him to go see his therapist. He couldn’t begin to justify how tired he was. He saw Lu Guang off in the morning, feeling shitty for leaving him alone again, even if he didn’t seem to mind. After yesterday, spending that time with Qiao Ling, he did figure he could still enjoy things. He did still deserve to enjoy things. Maybe he could start to be better around Lu Guang next.

“Xiaoshi, have a seat.” his therapist happily greeted him when he entered into her office. He smiled back at her and sat where he usually did. She dropped down across from him. “I’m sure you’re excited about your results.” she immediately brought it up. Okay, little nervous.

“I—well, ‘excited’.” he laughed. Why was he being awkward. Ew. “I’ve been discussing it with my friends, and I guess they’re happy for me that I’ll finally get help for my problems. That’s kinda how I feel about it.”

She nodded. “I’m glad regardless. Well, we might as well start right away, since there’s a lot I need to explain regarding your diagnosis.” she leaned down to grab a couple papers out of her desk drawer. He forgot he even had a file. “First and foremost, your formal diagnosis.” she slid a paper his way. He slowly glanced down, but got wildly confused when it wasn’t a depression diagnosis.

“Uh, wait, what?” he stared down at the paper as if he were reading it wrong.

“Based on your answers on the test and general behaviour during it, you meet most of the criteria for an Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder diagnosis.”

“Wh—you were testing on behaviour, too? What’s wrong with my behaviour?” he very quickly got offended.

“Nothing.” she neutrally stared at him. “I can explain it to you if you’re having trouble understanding the diagnosis.”

“I had a coffee that morning, if that changes anything.” he hastily added before she could continue. Please do not start explaining my brain to me. Why the fuck does this paper say ADHD on it. 

She laughed softly. “No, that doesn’t affect it, I’m sorry.” she opened the folder with all his answers. “Is it not what you were expecting?”

He blinked at her. 

“Most people come in already having an idea of what kind of diagnosis they’re expecting.” she elaborated. 

He just felt stupid. “Honestly, I thought I was depressed.”

Though she was quick to validate that, nodding her head grandly. “You might be! It’s not uncommon, many neurodivergent people experience some form of depression throughout their lives. People with ADHD are also more susceptible to burnout, so it could also be that.”

“Huh? That’s, like, an autism thing, though, I thought.” he recalled Lu Guang talking about that. He wasn’t even going to comment on the fact she’d just called him neurodivergent. He didn’t know how to unpack that.

But every dumb question he asked seemed to be met with complete understanding from his therapist. “Autism and ADHD are pretty similar diagnoses. Do you know any autistic people?”

Well, not openly. Yet. Did it matter if he told her? “Ah, Lu Guang’s…autistic.” he uncomfortably said, hesitating to say ‘diagnosed’. His therapist nodded along.

“In that case, you might find common ground with him.” she told him. That’d be comforting if Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t already know Lu Guang was his complete opposite. Whatever.

He kept staring at the paper below him, reading only the name but none of the description beneath it. He didn’t really want to know. 

And yet, for the next gruelling hour and a half, Xiaoshi got a full lecture on everything his diagnosis entailed and everything his therapist could help him with during sessions based on it. Xiaoshi was interested, of course. It was his own brain, after all. But he started tuning out about halfway through, wishing she would be done talking soon. He only barely tuned in again anytime she said something that stood out to him.

For the most part, he had no idea what any of this meant. He got sent off with his paper, kind of out of it, kind of confused, having been promised by his therapist to start a new trajectory next week that would better suit him. 

He emptily stared ahead of him for the entire trainride back home, trying to process this. Come to think of it, he didn’t even know anything about ADHD. Maybe Lu Guang could help him with that.

…Lu Guang doesn't have a diagnosis yet, he doesn’t know he’s autistic. Asking him won’t do anything. He supposed his weekly appointments would be helping with that, with managing everything.

Managing? His head hit the back of the chair. How much did this change about himself? Nothing had changed, right? Just his understanding of himself, he supposed. This was freaky.

The minute he got home, he threw the paper down on Lu Guang’s desk as he was studying, then waited for him to look at it. “Uhm…?”

“My diagnosis.” he waited for Lu Guang to read the paper. He looked annoyed for a second that he bothered him during studying, then confused.

“Oh, seriously?” Lu Guang huffed, and then turned to him. “Congrats.”

Congrats? Is that how he felt about it? Xiaoshi dropped down onto his bed and laid down. It was nice to be home, but now he felt his eyes starting to sting again. Congrats.

Lu Guang let out a lighthearted chuckle, “‘Inattentive type’,” he read, “no wonder you never listen to me.” but when he looked back at Xiaoshi, he could probably see from his expression that he didn’t find that as funny. “You okay?” his chair shifted along the ground, and he now faced the bed where Cheng Xiaoshi lay. “Oh, you were expecting something else, right?”

“She told me—” his voice cracked. “She told me it’s common to experience some kind of burnout, like, where you feel shitty and tired for extended periods of time.” he started rambling off one of the first things that came to his mind.

“Yeah?” Lu Guang just listened. Maybe he really didn’t know anything about this. 

“I thought I could get help, if I was depressed, since that can go away for the most part. And it’s not like I was unwilling to listen to advice and fix myself…” he shut his eyes as a tear hit his pillow. “But then, come to find out whatever’s wrong with me isn’t curable, what if I keep feeling this way forever?”

That was probably a really hard line to drop on Lu Guang so suddenly. He didn’t hear anything from him for about a minute or so. After a while, it seemed like Lu Guang had gone back to studying, as he heard typing from the desk. It wasn’t totally rare for him to entirely disengage from conversations he wasn’t in the mood to have, but it was strange for that to happen during a more emotional one. Lu Guang wasn’t really the type of person to ignore Xiaoshi when he was crying. That kinda hurt.

“Ah, it says here…people with ADHD struggle with their mental health at an increased rate compared to neurotypical people, but that doesn’t mean a big portion of them aren’t happy…uh…” he paused for another couple of minutes as Cheng Xiaoshi silently waited. “Seems like stress-regulation and emotional regulation during difficult times is what can help you not fall into a burnout.” he leaned over towards Cheng Xiaoshi again. “I can help you with that. We just have to know what works for you. If something’s stressing you out, you can come to me.”

And, in contradiction to what he now was feeling, that statement made him cry even harder. “Okay.” he replied, his head clearing a little and all his stress being replaced with pure admiration for what the fuck Lu Guang had just said to him.

“...do you want something to drink?” he somewhat awkwardly asked, to which Cheng Xiaoshi quickly nodded. Lu Guang couldn’t have bolted out of the room and returned with water in his hands faster. He sat back down on the bed now, next to Cheng Xiaoshi, and put his hand over his. Xiaoshi took a sip, feeling himself already calming down a little. 

He wasn’t even ableist, he didn’t think. He’d never thought about Lu Guang or Li Tianxi as any lesser than him for their disabilities. Why was he so scared and angry at the thought that he was neurodivergent himself? It always felt so distant from him that he’d never considered himself as a part of it, didn’t consider himself to relate to it.

…that probably meant he did see disability as lesser than him, though, he supposed. That was something he needed to work on.

“You okay?” Lu Guang asked from beside him. No, no he wasn’t, but he should probably stop crying, cause being so ableist you burst into tears at the thought of being disabled was probably a bad look on him. He didn’t even really like how referring to himself as ‘disabled’ sounded. “You’ll stop feeling this way once you learn how to manage it. At least, for the most part, I think. Knowing is better than not knowing, cause now you know where to look for information. I spent a long time not knowing what was wrong with me, too. It was frustrating.” his hand squeezed his. “Not that there’s anything wrong with you. You shouldn’t say that about yourself, either.”

“...thanks.” he said, but that line from Lu Guang confused him. Does he know. What does he know. Lu Guang got diagnosed around a year and a half after they’d met. Was everything happening sooner in this timeline? “Uh, what do you mean, you didn’t know what was wrong with you?”

“Hm? Oh…” Lu Guang turned away like he didn’t mean to let that slip. “Ah…that’s…” he suddenly struggled for words. Cheng Xiaoshi waited for him to finish. He took a deep breath in, then out. “Sorry. I don’t really go around telling people, since I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but judging from personal stories I’ve read from a lot of other people online, I might be autistic, since our experiences match up a lot. Fidgeting, trouble socialising, hyperfixations, issues with sound…” he listed off and progressively got more embarrassed as he went on. “Anyways, that doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure I am, so I shouldn’t bring it up.”

That…made sense. Lu Guang in the past had told him he was also caught off guard by his diagnosis, maybe he just didn’t want to admit he was self-diagnosed before that. Okay, the timeline stays consistent. “I believe you, if you think you’re autistic.” he might as well say. Surely it wasn’t a bad thing to try and kickstart Lu Guang’s self-acceptance journey early.

“I don’t know why I brought it up, I don’t actually think that. Sorry.” he stood up from beside Xiaoshi. You’re wrong, he thought, but didn’t have the heart to tell him. “Anyways, this isn’t about me. Did your therapist tell you she’d help you?”

“Well, yeah. She said she’d alter the kind of treatment I'm getting, so I guess I’m getting specialised help after all. I don’t know how effective it’ll be.” he said, and Lu Guang turned back around.

“Okay, let me know if she tells you anything useful that I should know to help you. I’ll do research on my own, too, just in a minute, I’m almost done studying.” he turned back around to check the time. “Yeah, I’ll be done in ten minutes.”

“We don’t need to keep talking, it’s fine. I already feel a bit better. You don’t have to look into it right now…” he turned over in bed to face the wall, then pulled the covers over him and pulled his phone out. “Think I’ll just lie down for now.”

“Okay, then I’ll join you in ten minutes.” his voice sounded from behind him, alongside the typing sounds. Xiaoshi tried not to smile, but that promise made him feel that little bit warmer inside.

The next few months consisted of a lot of adapting. He had weekly sessions with his therapist, now focused on basically teaching himself the workings of his brain. They were helpful, no doubt, but he wasn’t exactly happy to admit that.

Qiao Ling reacted…normally. Asked maybe two or three questions before saying she’ll also be there if he needs any help. He reckons this was what Lu Guang had mentioned feeling once, where you feel a little too cared for all of a sudden after getting a tangible diagnosis, as if you suddenly can’t manage on your own anymore, even though you’ve had to do it for the twenty-something years leading up to it.

You’re nineteen, Xiaoshi. Damnit.

Those thoughts still crept up on him occasionally, but he figured he’d gotten through the worst of it. There was nothing to be done now, anyways. He’d committed to going back and saving his friends. The nightmares of watching Lu Guang die and losing him vanished and slowly faded into just memories of the Lu Guang he’d lost. He felt equally shitty waking up from those dreams, but at least his brain wasn’t trying to scare him anymore. Maybe therapy does work.

Now all he had to do was tell Lu Guang. Surely that would come soon.

Qiao Ling, on the other hand, became an even greater constant in his life. He didn’t remember going out with her nearly as often in the previous timeline as he was now. He didn’t even get to watch her die that day, say goodbye to her, so he supposed spending as much time with her as possible now was the best way to repay that. 

He felt about as normal as a twenty-two year old timetraveler retaking his college exams could.

He’d been in the past for seven months.

“Xiaoshi! Help.” he heard from the other room. Lu Guang had promised to make dinner tonight to give Cheng Xiaoshi a break. A break he definitely didn’t need, but whatever makes Lu Guang happy, he supposed. Either way, the meaning was lost as Lu Guang continued to call him into the kitchen every five minutes.

“I’m here.” he tiredly appeared in the doorframe. Lu Guang was standing over the stove as the food was cooking and just…staring into the pan.

“How do I…fix this.” he just said. Xiaoshi came closer to see exactly what he was doing. Lu Guang was frying tofu. Or at least, he was really, really trying to.

“Why’s it all broken?” Xiaoshi stared alongside him. It was still cooking, but both of them basically ignored that fact.

“I tried to turn it over, but it was stuck. Then it broke.” he briefly explained, then handed Cheng Xiaoshi the chopsticks he was using. “Can you do it?”

Xiaoshi deeply sighed. He’d be yelling right now if Lu Guang wasn’t so cute. Why was he using chopsticks to flip it over. “Did you even…did you season this?”

Lu Guang’s eyes went wide as he quickly opened their spice drawer and grabbed some garlic and soy sauce. Then he just stood there for a second holding both in his hands and staring into the pan. He briefly eyed Cheng Xiaoshi, then opened the powdered garlic and sprinkled a little into the pan. Like, two grains.

“...are you gonna actually season this, or did you want to count the grains before you let them touch the food?” he added on as he watched them fall.

“It’s gonna be too strong otherwise, right?” he sprinkled on just a bit more. It was disgusting how careful he was being. 

Xiaoshi took the shaker from him and made sure he watched as he properly poured enough to taste onto the tofu, and then took the soy sauce and coated everything in a fair layer of it. “Like that.” he said, before reaching past Lu Guang and getting a spatula, shoving it under one of the tofu blocks and turning it over. “And that’s how you flip it. Using chopsticks will break it, cause they’re too thick. Tofu’s really fragile.” he stared at the tofu for a second. “That’s not a bad colour.” he smiled and handed the spatula to Lu Guang to flip the others over. “You try it.”

“...right.” he took the spatula and very, very carefully scraped it off the bottom, before instantly switching up and trying to flip it over as fast as humanly possible. 

The tofu did half a spin in the air before immediately launching at Cheng Xiaoshi at full speed, something he could only raise his arms in front of his face to block. It bounced off him and hit the floor, leaving his arm only slightly burning from the oil. Lu Guang definitely needed cooking lessons, god…

“Shit—are you—?” Lu Guang almost panicked, but Cheng Xiaoshi hastily stopped him from moving before he accidentally spilled the rest of the tofu on the ground.

“It’s just an oil burn, it’s fine, I’ve had that before.” he picked the tofu up from the ground and speedily threw it into the trash before his fingers burnt, too. He heard the fire clicking off.

Lu Guang turned the sink on and practically dragged him by the arm until the area he’d hit was under icecold water. Xiaoshi made a soft grunt when he felt the sudden temperature shift.

“I told you, I’m fine, Lu Guang.” he softly chuckled. “You know how often this just happens when I’m cooking, right?”

“How often do you get frying tofu flung at you while you’re cooking? God, I’m so stupid…” Lu Guang rubbed over the area softly as it was underwater, gauging Cheng Xiaoshi’s reaction to tell how bad it hurt. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for the tofu.” Xiaoshi rolled his eyes. That one did look good.

“Xiaoshi, I just burned you.” he stated in a frustrated tone. His grip holding Xiaoshi’s arm under the sink tightened. Lu Guang was actually torn up about this.

“Okay, you can let go, I’ll let the water run.” he said, voice still light. “I’ll forgive you if you flip the next one right.”

Lu Guang briefly looked up at him like a lost puppy before he let go, walked back to the pan and turned the fire back on. 

“Slowly.” Xiaoshi said over from the sink to Lu Guang who was still relatively beside him. He watched him move the spatula under the next block of tofu and incredibly carefully unstick it from the pan and then even more carefully tilt the spatula to make it land on its side and then push it over onto the uncooked side. “Aw, I wanted to watch it fling up to the ceiling.”

“If you’re gonna make fun of me, then go rinse off your arm in the bathroom.” Lu Guang snapped back, now repeating the same, precise movement to flip the next one, then the next one, then the next.

“I don’t know what you were so worried about, you’re doing just fine.” he neutrally sounded as Lu Guang finished shifting them around in the pan until they were evenly spaced again. The sink turned off, Xiaoshi dried his arm with the towel, frowning a little when he tried to regularly wipe over the burned area, but still felt a bit of pain. He didn’t let Lu Guang see that. “Look, I’m not even burned.” he showed his arm to Lu Guang, who stared and squinted at it.

“It’s red.” he noticed. Lu Guang, I was trying to let you off, Xiaoshi internally sighed. “Here,” he turned the heat off again, “I’ll go get some lotion and a bandage from upstairs.”

Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed Lu Guang’s arm to pull him back before he could even think to leave the room. “Lu Guang.” he stared at him. “You’re cooking tonight, so stop turning the heat off and focus on that. I’m an adult man. I can apply lotion to my own arm.”

Lu Guang stared back, with a still rather nervous expression. “But…I’m the one who hurt you.”

The oil’s the one who hurt me, Lu Guang, he didn’t say. Arguing on this was gonna do nothing but waste both of their time. He put a hand in Lu Guang’s hair and pulled his head down a little towards him to give him a kiss on the side of his head. “I love you, kay? I expect the tofu to be fried by the time I'm back down.” he said, trying to ease the part of Lu Guang that he assumed was scared of him being upset with him about this.

The only thing to be upset about was that his twe—eighteen year old roommate couldn’t fry tofu on his own. Lu Guang had mentioned in excruciating detail just how stressed out cooking used to make him, though, and how he spent almost a year before they met eating exclusively premade or instant meals, so he didn’t want to blame him. It was nice he wanted to try at all. 

Did he show that initiative as well in the previous timeline? I need to talk to Lu Guang.

When he came back down maybe ten minutes later with a fresh plaster on his arm, Lu Guang was in the kitchen plating their dishes. The tofu looked good. The vegetables and chicken he’d fried together beforehand also looked good. He took his plate in hand, letting Lu Guang notice his presence in the room. His eyes immediately fixed onto the wound on Xiaoshi’s arm, he noticed. 

“We gonna eat? I’m excited to try it.” Xiaoshi held the door open as Lu Guang double checked everything else was turned off before taking his plate as well and heading into the sunroom with it. 

They ate silently. The clock languidly ticked. Xiaoshi could tell Lu Guang was too focused on his injury now to even pay any attention to his meal. The man wasn’t even eating.

“Well?” he peeked over at Lu Guang. “It’s good.” he smiled, getting Lu Guang to finally lay his focus on something else. Half-effective. “You like it too?” he prompted.

Lu Guang stayed silent for a second, brain processing, before he turned to his plate and stared. “It could have a little more flavour…” he shamefully admitted.

“Pepper.” Xiaoshi said, “And a little less oil next time for the vegetables. That’s what I’d do.” hopefully Lu Guang was actually looking for advice.

“Right, okay.” he nodded, then took another bite. “It’s good.”

“You still feel bad about my arm?” Xiaoshi suddenly brought up again, since Lu Guang still seemed partially distracted. He watched as Lu Guang only softly nodded at him with an ‘mhm’. With a smile, he raised his forearm up to Lu Guang’s face. “Kiss it better?”

“...seriously?” but Lu Guang just grabbed his arm again to hold it in place as he pressed a soft kiss on top of the plaster. It surprised Cheng Xiaoshi a bit that he seemed to care this much about possibly hurting him. Though he couldn’t recall many times this scenario had happened in the previous timeline, so he didn’t exactly have a frame of reference to how Lu Guang should react. He supposed maybe Lu Guang was careful around him for fear this would happen in the first place.

It’s annoying that he has to keep comparing the two of them. Well, ‘two’ in quotation marks. Maybe it was just easier for Xiaoshi to get over if he continued to view Lu Guang like that. 

God, just tell him already.

“Xiaoshi, sit up.” Lu Guang entered the room. Two days had passed, and Lu Guang had forcefully applied more lotion to his burn every evening since.

“Sir.” he tiredly pushed up and held his arm out as Lu Guang came to sit beside him. When he peeled off the plaster, Xiaoshi saw that he wasn’t even red anymore. Honestly, he couldn’t even feel any pain when Lu Guang rubbed the lotion on again. “I probably don’t need another plaster after this. It might be better to be exposed to the air, too.”

“Sure.” Lu Guang easily agreed. That was out of character for something he was being so strict about. Maybe he was trying to listen to him more. Lu Guang tossed the plaster in the bin and wiped his hands off before heading back to Cheng Xiaoshi.

“Ah—!” Xiaoshi shrieked when Lu Guang quite nearly tackled him. The two fell backwards on the bed as Lu Guang started pressing kisses to his cheek and the side of his head. He never recalled Lu Guang being so clingy and attached. Well, he supposed it wasn’t that out of character. He usually did this when he needed to calm down, though. “You alright?”

“Mm.” Lu Guang hummed affirmatively into his neck. His breath was warm and tickled him. “Stressed.” he answered.

Lu Guang spent almost three hours in the library after classes studying that day. He had his next batch of exams coming up in a month. No wonder he was stressed. Maybe the stress of hurting Cheng Xiaoshi and feeling responsible added to that, even?

Lu Guang’s lips pressed a long kiss to Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck. One that didn’t feel gross at all this time. Maybe he was getting better. He still had to tell Lu Guang before they went any further, though.

He was immediately tested when Lu Guang grabbed his waist from under his shirt—not that that felt particularly gross either, now he was just uncomfortable. Talk, Xiaoshi.

He’d previously already discussed with his therapist; he’s been keeping something from Lu Guang and he’s not sure how to handle it. Well, after some annoyingly helpful exercises where he pretended to confess a different thing to her each time, he thought he might be ready. Though, maybe now that Lu Guang was tired and stressed meant it wasn’t a great time to tell him. Either way, he still wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt being intimate with Lu Guang until after he’d confessed.

Lu Guang’s hands threatened to roam even further now that Xiaoshi hadn’t made any sign of protest yet, and so he hurriedly took his hand off from around Lu Guang’s waist and then removed Lu Guang’s hands from him, too. He received a short confused look, before an, “oh, sorry.” Lu Guang offered a nervous smile as Xiaoshi moved away and then sat upright. He only got a silent stare up at him.

“It’s not that.” Xiaoshi assured, and then he leaned against the wall for a little support, cause he was shaking. You literally practiced this, Xiaoshi, calm down. He felt a little more confident now, at least, that they’d been friends for seven months. Maybe Lu Guang understood him a little better now. Maybe Lu Guang would want to help. He should hope Lu Guang didn’t secretly want to die. “Uh, you remember when you told me about your power, right?”

“Yeah?” he continued to weirdly look at him when Cheng Xiaoshi fell silent. This probably came out of nowhere, right. I have a point, I promise. “You think it’s creepy?” Lu Guang cut off his thoughts with a strange question.

That took Cheng Xiaoshi by surprise. “Huh? No, no, no—that’s—this has nothing to do w—well, it has to do with why I’m not comfortable yet, but I wasn’t done…I was getting somewhere.” he turned insecurely away. Now he thinks you think he’s creepy. Focus. “I wanted to tell you, uh,” Talk. Spill. Spit. I swear to god, Xiaoshi, if you shy away again—, “— I have a power. Like you do.”

He looked over again, Lu Guang was staring with wide eyes. Good sign, he sarcastically berated himself. He went on, “Through photographs, I can visit the past. It takes me back to the day the photo was taken, and I take over the photographer’s body.” he explained to a Lu Guang who still seemed to not believe him in the slightest. Right, the photograph.

He shuffled to get his phone out of his pocket and then turned it on. “I took this a few days ago, remember?” he showed Lu Guang a photo of him cooking their dinner that night, then placed his phone down onto the bed and brought his hands up, “When I clap my hands together, I’ll vanish into the photo, and then I’ll come right back out. Here, watch—”

Before his hands could touch, Lu Guang’s hand shot out and clutched around Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrist to stop him from clapping. He pulled so violently that Cheng Xiaoshi almost fell over onto him. “Don’t—”  Lu Guang now seemed scared. “Wh—how do you know that?”

How do I know that? Why ask such a pointed question? He lowered his other hand and tried to tug free from Lu Guang’s grasp, but couldn’t. “Uh, well—” oh, wait. Lu Guang was the one to tell him about his powers initially, right? Well, after he activated them on accident. Did Lu Guang know something more about their powers? Is that why they became friends so quick? He sought him out because of it? Stop thinking, you can ask later. “You and I, uh—” just be honest. “You told me about them.”

Okay, no going back now.

“Huh? What? What?” Lu Guang stared ahead as if he were dissociating again. “What? When?”

“...when we went to Bridon together.” he said, but understood how vague that was. He took a pause, then started, “...seven months ago, I traveled back to our first meeting. I haven’t left the past since.” he finally managed to say.

“...what?” Lu Guang squeezed his wrist harder, so much that it hurt. Xiaoshi gently tried to peel his fingers off him, but it proved a little difficult. When he managed, he switched to holding Lu Guang’s hand carefully instead. He seemed like he really needed that.

Xiaoshi heavily sighed as he could feel himself tear up a little, “I didn’t want to scare you, but I didn’t want to keep hiding it from you, so—”

“I died.” Lu Guang stated, almost unbelieving of it.

He…catches on fast? Lu Guang looked like he was about to cry, too. He was shaking now, just like Cheng Xiaoshi. Maybe this was too much to do to him when he was stressed. God, think these things through, Xiaoshi. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stress you out more, we can talk more later—”

“Xiaoshi, what happened?” he spoke softly. Kind of jarring how scary it sounded at the same time.

“We’re okay, Lu Guang—”

“Tell me what happened.” he demanded this time in a firmer tone. Okay, if that’s what he needed to calm down, then sure.

“Three years from now, you, uhm…I…”  this sure wasn’t easy to have to say out loud. “...I watched you die.” he had to whisper the last part as it escaped him. “Y—I can’t—You don’t deserve to have to die so young, I—”

“—in the studio?” Lu Guang interrupted again.

“In the darkroom. Someone broke in, so—”

“<Vein>?” Lu Guang asked without pausing.

“Wh—” how did he know about Vein? Did they have a history? Why would Vein kill them? “No, it was someone else, with black hai—”

“Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang said, now serious. “Can you go back?”

“I—what?”

He repeated himself. “You need to go back to the timeline where I was dead. Leave right now.”

That sparked a sudden rage, “What? Can you make sense for a second? I’m not leaving to go back to a timeline where you killed yourself for me! Are you crazy? Do you think I’m making this up?—cause, I promise, I’m not—”

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” he snapped his eyes shut. “Three years from now, September twelfth, at eleven past eleven—”

“—how do you know that?” Xiaoshi now asked confrontationally, cutting him off before he could finish. How the fuck would he know that, unless he’s also…

Lu Guang squeezed his eyes shut even more. His breaths stuttered as he held onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s sleeve for stability. What he said next seemed like it physically pained him to get past his lips. In a shaky tone, he exhaled,

“You died.”

Chapter Text

Lu Guang was shaking beside him, he felt the tug of it in his sleeve. He was starting to cry, too. Out of character, but considering the subject matter, what he’d just learned, he supposed it wasn’t, actually. 

Lu Guang’s confession was enough to shut them both up for a minute.

When Xiaoshi started to cry again, too, Lu Guang tried to continue explaining, now in a broken voice. “In the—the darkroom, I watched you—I…” he exhaled, unable to finish the sentence, he instead went on, “I never thought there’d be a way to actually save you from dying, but you’re here now, so that means it worked. If you just went back, then—”

“And let you and Qiao Ling die?” Xiaoshi forced out.

“...oh.” Lu Guang’s eyes opened slightly at that, but his face just appeared distraught. “I didn’t…manage to save Qiao Ling, then.”

So she dies, too. Xiaoshi’s mind reeled. “How did you come back? I thought you couldn’t travel back in time.” he managed a more stable sentence.

“You…” Lu Guang looked at him like he was confused. “Didn’t you get mine? The power is transferred when you die.”

Was that what he saw when Lu Guang died? Xiaoshi opened his phone again to look back at the photo he’d taken of Lu Guang cooking dinner.

“Wait, Xiaoshi, don’t—”

The smell of the tofu, the sensation of the burn, the loud, loud laughter of their conversations, the sizzling of the pan, the fluorescence of the lights, the ticking of the clock—

“—fuck!” At the smallest attempt to even look into the past with Lu Guang’s power, his entire mind became densely overwhelmed and he fell forwards to try and cover his senses. “How do you do that? I’m gonna be sick…” he put his hands over his head, covering his eyes above all else.

“It—it took me a while to be able to stand doing it, so you probably shouldn’t—”

“Okay.” Xiaoshi frustratedly replied, like this wasn’t actually important to him. He turned over at Lu Guang, now with a headache, and stared at him. “But if you went back using my powers, too, then what about our rules?”

“...the rules…” Lu Guang sounded a bit lost, which really just pissed Xiaoshi off further.

“Don’t bullshit me, Lu Guang. I have twelve hours, I follow your lead, I don’t change the past.”

“Right.” Lu Guang turned over a little awkwardly. “...what about them?”

“Why have I been feeling guilty this whole damn time for betraying you if you didn’t give it a second thought before diving back?” he wanted to shout so much louder than he actually did.

Lu Guang started off his reply outraged, matching his energy, “I was dying, I didn’t have a—” before he calmed down, fixed his tone, “Xiaoshi, you’re so much more important to me than my rules.” the last bit just came off sorrowful.

“What about everyone else?” Xiaoshi didn’t take very long to ask after that. He didn’t care that that was supposedly a compliment. In fact, he really wanted to scream.

“Everyone—?” he started in another confused tone, and now Cheng Xiaoshi yelled at him.

“Everyone who died because I can’t change the past!” he tried not to start hyperventilating after shouting.

Lu Guang seemed to be processing what he should answer to that. He slowly sat up to be eye-level with Cheng Xiaoshi “...none of their deaths were your fault, Xi—”

“But I could’ve saved them if I didn’t have to follow your stupid rules! Why am I important enough to disregard your principles for, but the countless others we could’ve saved from death aren’t? Don’t you care at all?!”

He wondered if that was too charged, but that small doubt immediately left his mind when Lu Guang quickly responded, “No.” accompanied by a new wave of tears. “It’s not the same. None of them deserved to die, but you—” his voice cracked, “I can’t lose you.” Lu Guang grabbed his shirt and pressed his head to his chest. Pathetic. “I love you.”

That’s not what he wanted to hear. Every logical part of his brain wanted to remind him of all the good times he’d spent with Lu Guang, remind him that Lu Guang was a good person. But right now, he felt so repulsed he could vomit. He pushed Lu Guang off him, got him to stop touching him, at least. “You’re so disgusting.” he said before he could process the weight of that. Lu Guang didn’t respond, and he honestly found he didn’t regret it. 

He pushed past Lu Guang and got up from the bed, though not knowing where to go after that. Despite the visceral disgust seeping through his veins, he didn’t want to go downstairs and sleep there. He didn’t want to touch Lu Guang, he didn’t want to leave him either. Unknowing of what else to do, he climbed up into Lu Guang’s bunk and decidedly laid down there. At least he wasn’t next to Lu Guang anymore.

Going into it, he thought he’d be the one needing to apologise by the end of it, but…

…did Lu Guang seriously not care about anyone but him? Wasn’t that so terrifying? He didn’t even think to ask about Qiao Ling until Xiaoshi brought her up. Maybe Lu Guang didn’t even care about Cheng Xiaoshi, what if he only cared about himself? He said he couldn’t lose him, so is he just trying to prevent his own grief by going back, then?

Isn’t that what I’m doing, anyways? Xiaoshi frowned at the thought and then turned over in bed. Lu Guang’s bed. He cares about Lu Guang, right? He won’t let him die because it’s unfair. That’s different…even if it is partially because he couldn’t live with the grief.

He could still hear Lu Guang sobbing below him. He probably wouldn’t stop anytime soon given what Xiaoshi had just said to him. Maybe they were both equally disgusting. Xiaoshi still wasn’t in the mood to take it back right now, though. He definitely wasn’t ready to talk to Lu Guang at the moment.

Lu Guang wasn’t in the mood either, he found, when the next day all Lu Guang did was silently mope around the studio. He did his work, he went out to get food for them around lunchtime, he went upstairs to read after hours. That was his day.

He kept looking at Cheng Xiaoshi like he expected something from him. Xiaoshi didn’t speak to him. That sad look on his face definitely put him off even further. Stop acting so pitiful when we’re both at fault.

But he didn’t say that to him, obviously, and so Lu Guang continued to just stare. Maybe he wanted to say something. Xiaoshi wasn’t gonna wait for him to ask, though.

“Okay, what’s up? Did something happen?” Xiaoshi was asked when he stopped by Qiao Ling’s dorm. Shanshan was out studying with Dong Yi. ‘Studying’, sure. Xiaoshi shut his eyes.

He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, that’s probably how Qiao Ling could tell something was up. He’d been getting so much more lively lately only for that to completely vanish in one night. “Just tired.” was the best thing his stupid brain could come up with. Now she knew he was bullshitting.

“...come here, sit down.” she sat by the table in her kitchen and urged Xiaoshi to come sit beside her. He reluctantly did. “Lu Guang messaged me.” she then said right when he hit the chair below him, and he immediately wanted to get back up.

“Did he.” he sounded annoyed.

“What’s wrong? He sounded like he was in the middle of a breakdown, he said you hated him now and he didn’t know what to do.”

“Of course I don’t—” I don’t hate Lu Guang. He sighed. “You don’t need to middleman for us, Lingjie, we’ll work it out.” his arm met the table and he leaned on it.

“Can you at least tell me what happened? You haven’t had an argument like this yet, have you?” she gave him an empathetic look. He wished people would stop looking at him like this.

“It’s complicated, cause we’re…” well, are we even together? He didn’t want Lu Guang out of his life at all, still. Guess that meant they were, right? Either way, is it relevant enough to tell Qiao Ling? He still had to check Lu Guang was okay with—well, no he didn’t. They were out to Qiao Ling in the previous timeline, and Lu Guang clearly already knew Qiao Ling well. “We’re in a relationship, but it’s weird right now.”

“...you two are…really?” she looked shocked. He remembered how this went the first time. “Is Lu Guang into men? I swear, he really doesn’t seem—”

“If you’re about to so much as insinuate that Lu Guang doesn’t look gay, then stop talking.” he let out a short breath. “Anyways, that’s not…okay, we’re in an argument.”

“About your relationship?” she questioned. Xiaoshi really wondered how to reply to this. He had to make an analogy, right? There’s no way he’s gonna tell Qiao Ling right now that she has three years to live.

Fuck it, just—go with this. “Okay, this isn’t what happened, but imagine that Lu Guang and I both cheated on each other, and then both found out about it at the same time. That’s…a little similar to what’s going on right now.”

“What the fuck did you do?” she stared at him in horror, and he shook his head.

“It’s not—” don’t get heated, Xiaoshi, be normal. “I’m not going into detail, I’m sorry, it’s personal, but it’s just hard for me to talk to Lu Guang at the moment, and I really just hate myself right now as well.”

He turned away. All he could hear afterwards was her soft breathing. Then the chair shifted against the tile. “Do you want something to drink? Shanshan came home with a bunch of beers a couple nights ago, but I don’t really drink.”

“If you think you can persuade it out of me with alcohol, then I’m gonna leave.” he watched her open up her fridge.

“Soda, then? It’s either that or water.” he couldn’t see the view of the fridge with her blocking it, but took her at her word.

A couple more seconds in silence, before he defeatedly gave the answer of, “Okay, fine, hand me a beer.” In all honesty, he’d forgotten that was an option, and he really, really needed one after the past couple days.

Cheng Xiaoshi, do not become an alcoholic in this timeline.

Qiao Ling put it down in front of him with a huff, filling up a glass of water for him on the side. “My parents also dropped off some meat sticks from their shop in case I wanted some.” she said as she put something in the microwave. “You can have some, too.”

“Oh, right, I should go pay them a visit, it’s been a while…” he sounded a little sad already. He popped his beer open and took a sip, enjoying the bitter aftertaste. Try not to look too twenty-two years old while you’re drinking this. 

For a second, all that could be heard throughout the kitchen was the soft whirring of the microwave and Qiao Ling washing her hands at the sink. Fine, I’ll talk a little.

“I told him he was disgusting.” he broke the silence with a confession. “And I, like, walked away from him while he was crying. That’s probably why he thinks I hate him.”

“Yeah, cause that’s what you do to people you hate, what were you thinking?” Qiao Ling replied back in a confused tone.

“He—” Xiaoshi squeezed his eyes shut. Was he in the wrong? In all honesty, he still thought Lu Guang deserved that, despite how shitty he felt about being the one to tell him. “He told me he only cared about me.”

“Okay? Romantic, I guess.” she neutrally replied, seemingly still not understanding what he meant.

“Like, he wouldn’t mind if other people died, but he’d care if I did.” he was really edging the line here. “I called him disgusting after that.”

“That’s…definitely a strange thing to say. Was there context to it?” she now sounded like she was starting to take him seriously.

Well, the context is that he’d actually let said people die in the past, but he couldn’t tell Qiao Ling that. Eugh, when he thought about that again, Lu Guang really did deserve to be told that. “Nothing that makes it any better.”

“Okay.” she took the sticks out of the microwave and served Cheng Xiaoshi a plate. She dropped back down on the chair diagonally across from him. “So he’s a bit of a freak, then?”

“Well—” Xiaoshi frowned. “Maybe? I know…” autistic people. “...Lu Guang struggles with empathy sometimes, but, I don’t know, it just freaked me out to hear that.”

“Would probably freak me out too.” Qiao Ling agreed. “But sure, so he’s a little questionable. You said you don’t actually hate him, so can’t you talk it out?”

“...we haven’t actually talked in the past three days.” he took another sip of the beer, trying not to enjoy it too much. 

“Seriously? You’re that upset about this? You’re old enough to solve your own problems now, Xiaoshi.” she rolled her eyes at him, probably thinking this was immature of him. Maybe it was, but he didn’t really want to hear that from someone he was older than now.

…Qiao Ling probably deserved to know at some point, too. That would come, though. “Fine, I’ll…try to hear him out, I guess. I really don’t think I’m gonna forgive him, though. It still grosses me out to think about now…” he blew softly on one of the sticks before tearing a bite of the meat off it. He really needed to pay Qiao Ling’s parents a visit. He ate another bite, and then another, and then washed it all down with beer.

“Well, if anything, I hope the food makes you feel better.” Qiao Ling just commented as she watched him eat.

“...you can have one, if you want.” he shifted the plate over in her direction. “You didn’t get yourself any.”

“I already ate an hour ago.” she clarified. “I suppose you didn’t.” she waited for a nod, before continuing. “And that means Lu Guang didn’t, either.”

Right, he’s not gonna cook for himself, is he? Cheng Xiaoshi let out a groan. “Okay, fine.” he downed the rest of the beer before taking a swig of water to go along with it. Then he rummaged through Qiao Ling’s kitchen drawers until he found a plastic bag, which he tossed the six-or-so sticks into. He got up to stare at Qiao Ling. “So, then, I’ll be going.”

“What, you didn’t want me to come with you, did you?”

Not for this conversation. “No. Please don’t make this any more awkward than it has to be.” he sighed, already thinking about what he’d possibly say to Lu Guang when he got home. “Thanks for the food, love you.”

“Thanks for the drama. See you.” she waved as he left the kitchen and went back to the hall to put his shoes on. He really had to remind himself that she didn’t know this was about all three of them being possibly dead in the future when she called it ‘drama’. He still loves her. God, this will be awkward.

The shop door insecurely pushed open. Lu Guang was stood behind the counter as always, but he looked like he was sweating and possibly like he was going to cry. 

They exchanged a glance, before Cheng Xiaoshi realised he had to heat up the sticks again now before he could give them to Lu Guang. He wordlessly passed him in order to get to the kitchen. Lu Guang sniffed as he walked by. He tried not to hear that.

He came out again another five minutes later, the sticks now laid out on a plate, alongside a glass of Lu Guang’s favourite tea. Surely he’d talk to him now. “Qiao Ling got these from her parents, so she gave me some. You should eat.” he called to get his attention when it became clear Lu Guang was trying really hard not to meet his eyes.

Lu Guang seemed incredibly puzzled at that. He stared up at Cheng Xiaoshi with that same, awful, lost look on his face, and, god, why did he still look like he was crying earlier?

“...you okay?” he asked. He supposed it was ridiculous to be asking him this after several days of ignoring him, but it was still a pressing question. He’d been gone for a bit over an hour now, surely Lu Guang wasn’t crying because of him, right?”

“Aa—” he paused, then tried again. “S—ry.”

Oh, he couldn’t speak right now. Oh my god, that’s why he hadn’t even spoken to Cheng Xiaoshi the past three days. How had he been ignoring Lu Guang so hard he’d missed that? “You having a shutdown?” Xiaoshi couldn’t help but become a little empathetic.

But Lu Guang shook his head, although hesitantly. If he couldn’t speak right now, and he was left here running the shop alone, then…right, he couldn’t speak to customers. Maybe someone came in and he couldn’t speak to them and they got mad. God, and he’d been away for an hour.

“Sorry I left.” Xiaoshi sighed, then turned to the door. Without looking at Lu Guang, he continued, “Take the food and go upstairs, I’ll run down here for now.” Lu Guang was still looking at him all sad-like. He empathised now that he knew how he probably felt, sure, but it still put him off a little. 

Lu Guang slowly stared as Cheng Xiaoshi came behind the counter with him and started to pull out the folders for photos he knew would be getting picked up today. He looked up at Lu Guang for a second, pushed the food more in his direction as a sign for him to take it, but he supposed Lu Guang was a little slow on processing right now.

“Go, Lu Guang. If you’re stressed right now, then I can run the shop for the day. Go eat and rest.” he tried to put as simply as he could. Surely Lu Guang understood that, right?

Well, Lu Guang turned to the plate first. Good start. Then he picked it up, and picked the tea up, and stared at it for a minute. Then he slowly, slowly started to walk towards the staircase, before stopping midway. “...Ss—” he turned back around. “Xi…sh—a—sh—” he was trying to say his name. 

Xiaoshi was starting to get annoyed. He walked over to Lu Guang, took the plate and cup both out of his hands and put them back on the counter. “Write it down, then.” he irritably let out.

That got Lu Guang to immediately perk up, and then he practically bolted upstairs to go get a pen and paper. Why hadn’t Lu Guang thought about that already? Maybe I should calm down a bit, Xiaoshi told himself. He’d been working on managing his emotions better in therapy anyways. Apparently his ADHD meant he was cursed to have difficulty regulating his emotions for the rest of his life. Trying to battle that sudden irritation of his was kinda hard.

Lu Guang came sprinting back down with his notebook in hand and a pencil. He didn’t waste a second before slapping it down on the counter and trying to put his thoughts into words. Xiaoshi waited one, two minutes, and then Lu Guang showed him what he’d wrote.

It read, ‘the people from our dives haven’t died yet, so we can still save them.’

…Lu Guang was still Lu Guang. That was annoying to have to admit. He supposed that even despite his apparent apathy, he was still considerate of how Xiaoshi felt about it. Once Lu Guang assumed he was done reading, he turned the book back around to continue writing. Another two minutes. The notebook was turned back in his direction.

‘I made that rule because any major changes meant that I couldn’t be certain of the nodes in the timeline, which meant I wouldn’t have as good a chance of saving you. I’m sorry.’ was written this time. That…made enough sense, even if it was still morally questionable.

“My point was that I’m not more important than them, Lu Guang.” he spoke like some disappointed parent. He kinda hated that.

But Lu Guang nodded. “—kn—w” he mumbled. “S—ry”

“I don’t hate you, Lu Guang.” he then told him, turning away from the notebook and heading over to the darkroom to pick some photos up from where they were drying. “Go upstairs and eat, we can talk when you have your voice back.”

“—kay” he heard being forced out from the other room. He probably still had to work off his own frustration before he had a proper conversation with Lu Guang. For now, he hoped Lu Guang would get a little better, at least, even if he was kinda annoyed Lu Guang was in this state to begin with. He couldn’t tell if it was the stress of him finding out about his dives or that he got so affected by Cheng Xiaoshi rejecting him that got him here. Either way, Cheng Xiaoshi had to restrain himself from telling Lu Guang he shouldn’t feel bad for facing consequences to his own actions. 

Maybe he’s being selfish thinking like that, though. If Lu Guang wants to save people this time around, then he probably has it in him to forgive him.

They spoke two days later. Lu Guang was…vaguely verbal now, and had stopped looking so nervous all the time, more or less. Xiaoshi came into the room while he was studying. Weird how all these important conversations happened either on his bed or at their desks. He sat down at his desk beside Lu Guang’s, and then pulled his chair in closer, getting Lu Guang’s attention.

“You look good in glasses.” he said, that being the first thing he noticed. Right when he said that, Lu Guang took them off to look at him. Great start.

“Okay.” he said, then turned away again. But he shut off the laptop he was reading from, closed his books while leaving a bookmark to mark his place, and then shut his notebook. “What?” he softly asked. His voice was still unusually quiet, he noted.

Xiaoshi took a deep breath. “Clearly we both can’t be without the other, if we’re this deep in.” he started, “We should probably try to work something out where no one has to die, right?”

Lu Guang stayed silent at that, but nodded once.

“...we should tell Qiao Ling, so she can—”

“No.” he said suddenly. Now Lu Guang was the one acting freaked out all the time. “If she—she…” he leaned over forwards to put his head in his hands. “It’s a bad idea.” he slurred his words a bit.

“She can help us, Lu Guang. She’s the one always doing most of the rational thinking for us anyways, so why not trust her with this? Besides, if she dies alongside us, I think she has a right to know.”

“No.” Lu Guang just repeated. “The more people—the—that know, the harder it is to control.” he said. The words sounded like they were being forced out of him against his will. “We might change too much, and we’ll die sooner.”

“We’ve already changed too much by being here in the past to begin with.” he continued to push back, though in a neutral tone.

“—told you to go back.” he managed. It sounded like the more he said, the harder it became for Lu Guang to form words.

“You don’t actually want to die, do you?” Xiaoshi asked a different question that’d kinda been weighing on his mind ever since their initial talk.

Lu Guang only sounded more distraught when he next spoke. “I want both of us to live.” he mumbled into his hands.

“The three of us.” Xiaoshi corrected, still a little annoyed. Lu Guang quickly nodded and mumbled an apology. It still disgusted him, but he tried to push past that for this conversation at least. Lu Guang had priorities, whatever.

“I—I think it’s my fault.” Lu Guang then said. “I brought t—the powers into your life. I think if I went back, and stayed away, then you wouldn’t die. Maybe next time I can convince myself to.”

Xiaoshi took over a minute to even process that statement. He must’ve been silent long enough that it got Lu Guang worried, because he looked up, only to see him trying to hold back his own tears now. “You want to leave me.” Xiaoshi just stated in disbelief, now desperately trying to clear his eyes of tears, embarrassed at how easily that just made him go from normal to ugly crying. “You’re gonna leave me…” he mumbled again, his head dizzy, the tears still spilling.

“No—no,” Lu Guang got out of his chair and embraced Cheng Xiaoshi tightly. Tightly like he knew the weight of what he’d just said. His voice was wobbly now, too. “Sorry—m not gonna leave you.” he then more firmly said, his arms keeping Cheng Xiaoshi’s face pressed into his chest. It didn’t help Xiaoshi stop crying. He couldn’t believe he was still sensitive to stuff like this, even so many years later. He took his hands off his face and decidedly hugged Lu Guang back.

Whatever, they were stuck with each other, after all. Might as well be friends. He squeezed Lu Guang desperately in his arms.

Lu Guang had been crawling into bed with him for the past couple nights. He’d come in as Cheng Xiaoshi was already lying there, and then lay against him, often with an arm around him. Any angry feelings he still had towards Lu Guang were whisked away each time he came to comfort him like this. They were stuck with each other.

Tonight, the second Xiaoshi felt Lu Guang’s arms around him, he turned over. He trapped Lu Guang in a kiss immediately, his hands also itching to wrap around him. Lu Guang’s grip on him tightened as he leaned into him, eagerly accepting his touch.

Lu Guang’s hands once more traveled beneath the hem of his shirt. Whatever, he didn’t care now. He continued to kiss Lu Guang fervently, hearing little sounds escape him every few seconds as he seemingly struggled for breath. When he finally broke free, he tried to catch his breath as Cheng Xiaoshi kept kissing his cheeks and jaw as he touched him.

His shirt was tugged over his head now, and the minute it was off and discarded onto the floor, Xiaoshi tackled Lu Guang against the bed, pinning him down there as they both panted.

Xiaoshi stared down at him for a minute, suddenly being hit by the cold of the room now that he didn’t have a shirt on. He looked at Lu Guang, laid below him, breathing heavily, staring up in either anticipation or fear. Were they both scared of each other now?

…damn it. A tear fell down and onto Lu Guang’s shirt. The shirt which he was now heavily inspecting for bloodstains just in case. He pushed off of Lu Guang, and instead sat up straight so that he could properly wipe his face off, properly breathe. Lu Guang seemed to follow, running a gentle hand through Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair as if to try and calm him. He felt like he was crying every day now.

“Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang whispered, his hand now lingering in his hair, probably feeling the dirt buildup and sweat from mostly lying in bed for the past couple days. “Let’s take a bath.” he suggested. 

A bath? Sure. Maybe that would help him relax. He felt the bed shift beneath him and got up when Lu Guang helped him stand. Defeatedly, Xiaoshi followed him into their bathroom, where he started running the bath. 

Turning around, Lu Guang was already undressing and putting his products by the bathtub. Xiaoshi checked that the water was warm before he closed the drain and sat down beside the tub to wait for it to fill. Lu Guang sat beside him, now fully naked. He really did know him in a previous timeline for him to suddenly trust him this much. Xiaoshi tiredly looked away to watch the water rise.

“...I don’t…” he started quietly, eyes fixed on the water and not Lu Guang. “I don’t want to die.”

Lu Guang stayed silent for a second, a second longer, and then, “I know. You’ve told me that.”

Devastating. He heavily breathed, his eyes still watering. “Lu Guang?”

“Mm.” he was listening.

“You’ve only gone back once, like me, right?”

Xiaoshi didn’t like the silence he got in response to that. Lu Guang shifted uncomfortably, then turned to look at the water, too. “You should take your pants off, as well. The tub will be full in a couple minutes.”

Now he was avoiding it. “Lu Guang—”

“—it’s not important.” he dismissed him with a shaky voice. “I don’t wanna say anything if it’ll just make you cry more.”

That was so incredibly not a satisfying answer that it honestly just repulsed Cheng Xiaoshi further. What was he hiding? “You went back, like, what, ten, twenty times?”

“Wh—no, how—? Thank god, no.” Lu Guang sounded offended before returning to brushing Xiaoshi off. 

“Fifty?” he made an even more hyperbolic guess.

“It doesn’t matter, Xiaoshi—” he irritably said, cutting himself off with, “This isn’t gonna work on me.”

Just start counting then. “Four? Five? Six? Seven? Eigh—?”

“T—” he sighed, now incredibly frustrated. “Twice fully, this is my third time.”

Seven years. Lu Guang had been doing this for seven years. “...that’s, like, a fourth of your life.”

“And apparently it worked this time. Mostly.” he sounded more dejected than anything. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” he paused, then lazily swished a hand through the water. “I’m glad you haven’t had to endure it for that long, I suppose.”

“Don’t—” he shakily exhaled. “It was already bad enough, watching you die once.” he shut his eyes and desperately tried to erase the same image his mind kept conjuring up when he thought about this. “Maybe…” he tried to snap himself out of it. “Yeah, what if, if everything goes wrong again, this time we dive back together? Then we won’t forget each other, at least.” 

Xiaoshi thought back to how he’d felt the past seven months, missing a version of Lu Guang that didn’t even exist anymore. Then again, come to find out he was just acting the whole time. That’s kind of embarrassing. He hoped they could at least avoid this confusion next—if there was a next time.

But Lu Guang’s breath stuttered. “Xiaoshi, I—” he turned away, then buried his head in his arms. “It’s not my power.”

He furrowed his brow. “But you have it now, I thought.”

Lu Guang turned towards him, like he was still shocked at how little Cheng Xiaoshi knew. How am I supposed to know anything when you never tell me? “This time around, when I dove back, I lost your power entirely the second I appeared in the past. Well—there’s a limit to your power, at least from my experience. I found out that after spending a month in the past, I couldn’t go back to the present anymore. I think that after being here for so long, I’d essentially become a part of the past.” he leaned onto the side of the tub. “It could be the same for you, too. You exist in the past now, to a point that you can’t use your power to go back to the abandoned present anymore, possibly because the present no longer exists.” he fell silent for a second as he was thinking and then shook his head. “Anyways, I digress, that’s how it usually goes for me, uhm...Yeah, this time the power was immediately gone, I assume that’s because I managed to save you. In the future you aren’t dead, or, at least, I died before you, so I can’t have your power. Either way, you still have your power because it’s inherent to you, but I don’t anymore. I can only dive back now if you die again.”

Okay, that’s a problem.

“Have you tried to dive at all since coming here?” he asked a followup, now Xiaoshi was getting worried.

“No, I thought I’d end up back in the darkroom where you…” he hastily pulled his phone out of his back pocket and opened to a random picture. Then he clapped. 

And a wave of nausea hit him. Right, he hadn’t done this in seven months.

“What’re you doing?” Lu Guang stood beside him, staring at what he was taking a photo of. “Is that a butterfly or a moth?”

Fuck, he might not have thought this through. Why’d he go back two weeks ago? He can’t clap in front of Lu Guang now, because Lu Guang knows.

“Looks like a moth. It’s cute, right?” Xiaoshi showed him the photo. Lu Guang just shuddered. “Oh, you’re so dramatic.”

“It’s so hairy.”

“It’s fuzzy! That’s cute!” he argued back. How can he clap in a natural-seeming way? Get me out of here.

Lu Guang started walking up ahead. Maybe if he made it inaudible…no, Lu Guang can hear. What if he made it loud, then? “Ah! There’s a fly here! It’s in my face!”

“What? Didn’t you like bugs two seconds ago—?”

Clap!

“...okay, that was a bad idea.” he reappeared in the bathroom, keeled over, trying to calm his body from the motionsickness of diving to and from the past in such rapid succession.

“No kidding. Bath’s ready.” Lu Guang just said with a sigh, turning the water off and getting in. Right, they were gonna take a bath. All this timeline talk was a little disoriënting. 

He stared at Lu Guang, sitting in the tub with his legs spread open for Cheng Xiaoshi to come sit between. Wait, Lu Guang suggested to take a bath together, what the hell was he thinking?

Xiaoshi somewhat nervously took his pants off in front of Lu Guang before stepping in with his assistance. Lu Guang pulled his back to his chest, and then wrapped his arms around Cheng Xiaoshi’s middle. His chin came to rest on Xiaoshi’s shoulder from behind him.

“...does it have to be like this?” Xiaoshi asked in a highly flustered tone of voice. He could feel Lu Guang’s breath on him. It almost made him forget their current situation.

“You’re the one who agreed to take a bath with me.” he said, Xiaoshi feeling his jaw moving on his shoulder. “If you want to switch around, we can, but I won’t be able to wash your hair for you, then.”

“It’s just…” he rested his head more comfortably against Lu Guang’s shoulder, too. They could almost look each other in the eye from this angle. “It’s been a while since we’ve been together like this.”

Lu Guang took his chin off Xiaoshi’s shoulder and instead rested his forehead there, hiding his face away entirely. Xiaoshi felt his breathing destabilise a bit, but he didn’t hear him cry or anything like that. “It has.” he replied after a minute or so. “I missed you.”

Well, no wonder they’d ended up back here so soon, if Lu Guang had known him for ten years now. That was kinda horrific to think about. What if he hadn’t kept Cheng Xiaoshi from death this time around? Would he have gone back another three years  to retry? How many times until he decided it wasn’t worth it anymore? How willing to destroy himself for Xiaoshi’s sake was he?

A couple minutes passed in silence where Lu Guang just held him. Then he felt his hand through his hair again at the same time that Lu Guang tiredly lifted his head. He leaned over forwards, pushing Cheng Xiaoshi forward with him as he reached for the showerhead and pulled it down. He turned it on, and icecold water immediately shot at Xiaoshi’s head.

“Ah—!” he scared and pushed it away quickly, getting some on Lu Guang too. In slight fear and embarrassment, his first instinct was to start laughing. “You trying to—?” No. Do not say that to Lu Guang right now. “What’re you trying to do?”

Lu Guang stared at him with wide eyes as he quickly turned the nub for the showerhead to hot. “I didn’t do that.”

“You—” he really just had to keep laughing. “Oh my god…I shouldn’t trust you with this.”

The showerhead was pointed at his head again, now raining down hot water onto his hair, similar to the temperature of the tub. That immediately got his mood a little better, especially as he felt Lu Guang’s hand start to sift through his hair to get everything wet. The water turned off again, he hung it back up, and then grabbed their shampoo bottle. After spouting a bit of shampoo onto his hands, he began awkwardly rubbing it into Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair. 

His hands bundled his hair together and massaged his scalp, delicately working as if any harsh movement would hurt him. “Is this how you usually do it?” Xiaoshi asked, a little flustered.

“You have longer hair than I do, so it’s difficult.” he sighed as he tried to rub the soap into his hair differently, in a more natural-feeling way. “I’ve only done this twice before.”

To me? Xiaoshi exhaled quietly. “It feels nice.”

He continued to feel Lu Guang’s hands combing through his hair to try and both straighten it out and spread in the shampoo further. 

“Am I doing yours next?”

Lu Guang’s hand paused, and he rinsed it off in the bathwater. “Sure.” he pushed on Cheng Xiaoshi’s back as a sign for him to turn around. The minute he did, he saw Lu Guang dip his head back to get all his hair wet, and then he came to sit against Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest, too.

“What, I don’t get to spray you with icewater?”

“It wasn’t—” he rolled his eyes and resigned. “If you must. Make it quick.” he sat forwards, now appearing vulnerable before him. Lu Guang kept misreading him and his tone like this recently. Could it be Lu Guang had gotten more used to a version of him that didn’t know him as well? 

Instead of freezing water, Lu Guang got a soft kiss to the back of his neck, and was then pulled closer to Cheng Xiaoshi. He seemed a little confused, but let Xiaoshi start to run his hands through his hair, too. 

“Mm.” Lu Guang let a contented hum escape him as Xiaoshi’s fingers scratched into his scalp. He deposited a small amount of shampoo onto his hands, rubbed them together, and then started caressing through Lu Guang’s locks as well.

He still loves him. Lu Guang clearly loves him back, too. This was gonna be difficult. A question he wanted to ask ten minutes ago resurfaced in his mind as his hands toyed with Lu Guang’s hair.

“So, if I still have your power, then…” 

A silence fell after he asked, only the swishing of the soap in Lu Guang’s hair played. Lu Guang’s head tilted tiredly to the side. “Yeah?” he asked like he didn’t understand the question, or like he wasn’t in the mood to have this discussion now. “So that hasn’t been rewritten yet. I still die.”

Why say that so matter-of-factly? “Seriously, do you want to die?” he asked him like before. Lu Guang seemed so set on Xiaoshi traveling back to when he was dead earlier, he really couldn’t shake this question.

Lu Guang sighed, making Cheng Xiaoshi pause as he waited for an answer. “Do I really…” he shook his head. “Nevermind, it probably does seem like that.” a huff escaped him. “I was being genuine earlier. I want us both to live.”

“The three of us.” Xiaoshi once more irritably corrected, but Lu Guang turned around to face him and look him in the eyes.

“Qiao Ling’s different, Xiaoshi. She’s easier to save. There have been times where only Xiao Li died, and she got hit nonfatally, where she would’ve lived. It’s only you who’s so adamant to take a bullet for me each time.” he explained with a tired look on his face, but that still wasn’t fully satisfying. 

‘Only Xiao Li’? He should really stop getting worked up over the shit Lu Guang says. “You can’t just weigh lives like that, who it’s okay to let die and who it isn’t.” his voice came out rather harshly.

“When you’re in my position, you kind of have to.” he turned back. “I’m sorry. I know it’s insensitive. It’s a little difficult for me to…feel too strongly at this point.” he softly explained away.

…I guess. He tried to drop his anger, even if it didn’t sit right with him. Maybe after seven more years of watching everyone he loves die on him, he might understand. God, don’t curse yourself, Xiaoshi. 

“How did I save you, anyway?” he asked. Not that Cheng Xiaoshi thought his method was especially graceful.

“You did the same thing I did, apparently. You launched me out of the way and took a bullet in my place.” his hands returned to Lu Guang’s hair again to continue rubbing in the shampoo. “Was there a timeline where you bought us both bulletproof vests?”

“Thanks, genius.” he irritably replied. “What am I gonna tell you, then? ‘I know we’re getting attacked today, so here’s armour’? And besides, you got shot in the head last time, so it wouldn’t even work.”

That’s…grotesque. “Sorry you had to see that.” Xiaoshi only responded in a sympathetic tone. That must’ve got Lu Guang to realise what he’d just admitted.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to dump that on you, sorry.” he pulled his legs closer to his chest and sat cradling them. Xiaoshi rinsed his soapy hands in the bath, then leaned up again to grab the showerhead. Making sure the water was hot this time, he then washed all the soap out of Lu Guang’s hair, coaxing another content noise out of him. Lu Guang let out a soft chuckle as well. “Having a conversation like this is so strange.”

Why, cause we’re discussing our own deaths? Xiaoshi continued to look at him weirdly, before he realised that this was presumably the first time Lu Guang could’ve even had this conversation. If Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t come clean to him in the first place about diving back, then Lu Guang would’ve kept it a secret from him. And he’d done that the past two times as well. He’d been keeping all of this in for the past seven years. How had he not gone insane yet?

He turned the shower head off, and left it at the side of the tub. Maybe it was different since he didn’t feel the same guilt as Xiaoshi did. Still, either way, “...we’re gonna be alright, Lu Guang. Since I know now, we can work together to save everyone. And I know what’s coming, so I won’t let you die.” he embraced him as he spoke in a soft, comforting tone. 

Lu Guang stayed quiet for a couple seconds, before weirdly turning to Cheng Xiaoshi and then quickly away. “Oh, right, okay.” he stared down into the water, into their reflection, where Cheng Xiaoshi was staring at him, too. “...did you still want me to wash off your hair?” he tried to change the subject. He’s still not ready to talk about this, then. Not yet.

“Yeah.” Xiaoshi urged Lu Guang to turn back around, going along with it and not pressing any further.

He had to figure something out on his own, then.

The first thing his mind jumped to was what Lu Guang had said, Qiao Ling being hit nonfatally. He looked up every place to safely get shot without dying. Hopefully then he could take a bullet for Lu Guang normally. Come to think of it, he got hit in the stomach way back in the tunnel, and then in the shoulder just before Lu Guang died. Probably not a great idea to be so risky right next to his vitals, though.

He really hoped the government wasn’t watching him look up ten different articles on how to get shot without dying. This isn’t exactly normal behaviour.

It was nice to do research on his own, too, since being around Lu Guang right now was…kinda suffocating, to say the least. He just really didn’t know how to act around him now that they didn’t have to pretend, to lie about anything. In fact, most days since that scene in the bathroom, he’d been going out with Qiao Ling for lunch or dinner, bringing home leftovers for Lu Guang. He might’ve caught on, but didn’t seem to mind. 

But Qiao Ling noticed.

“So, how come you’re avoiding Lu Guang now? You get into another argument?”

“Nothing like that.” he stirred his drink. Shanshan and Liu Ye had left the bar early, but Xiaoshi asked to stay just a little longer. They looked out the window, sitting side by side at their table. “I’m only gonna be in college a couple more years, right? Might as well do stuff like this every now and then before I get called immature for it.” he took another sip. Honestly, this drink was totally disgusting, but it was getting him drunk, so he tried to look past that. 

“When’s the last time you had dinner with Lu Guang? I thought you two were still dating.” she eyed him suspiciously.

“We’re not—” that’s not important. “Tonight I made him dinner.”

“And then left to come here?” she rolled her eyes. A hand came to his shoulder to pat it softly. “You considered relationship counseling?”

“Shut up, oh my god.” his head sank down. “It’s not that big a deal. It’s just kinda uneasy around him right now.”

“Since when are you uneasy around Lu Guang?” he heard her practically laugh at him. “Oh nooo! He’s too sexy, I can’t take it! His arms are so strong, his face is so symmetrical, it’s killing me…!” 

Okay, she was drunk. “You’re being loud, Lingjie. And Lu Guang’s arms are not that strong.”

“Oh? You would know.” she giggled at him, and he just pushed her away playfully. He kinda didn’t wanna be talking about Lu Guang right now. Ugh, but now that they knew about each other, the dread of everything to come was kinda just in the back of his mind all the time. He took another sip.

“Hey, is it okay if I sleep over at yours tonight?”

“Ah? Shanshan’s not gonna like that.” Qiao Ling once more chuckled, prompting Xiaoshi to take another sip.

Right, she wouldn’t. “Okay, nothing, forget I asked. Just thought I wanted to tell you something in the morning.”

“Aahh…I’ll come by in the morning.”

“Something not in front of Lu Guang.” he decidedly told her, to which she made a face.

“Keeping secrets now? Gosh, you two are falling apart.” she was still giggly. Xiaoshi just took her drink away from her now.

“I’ll get the check.” he said, bolting off in the direction of the bar. Falling apart was true for sure, not that it mattered, since neither of them were going anywhere. Lu Guang didn’t have it in him to leave Xiaoshi and Xiaoshi didn’t have it in him to leave Lu Guang, so much so to the point they’re now both reliving their pasts just to see each other again.

We’re fucked, aren’t we? This is why he needs Qiao Ling’s help.

“...welcome home.” Lu Guang tiredly let out from the top bunk when Xiaoshi made it into their room. He was about to climb down to come lie down with Cheng Xiaoshi, no doubt, but he stopped him before he could so much as sit up.

“Just—just stay up there for tonight. I’m a little drunk.” he excused as he dropped down onto his bed with a grunt.

“Okay.” Lu Guang simply responded. Xiaoshi let out a couple more heavy, tired breaths before he got up and started to change into sweatpants. He got back in bed, now under his blanket, and let out a weak ‘goodnight’, but that didn’t seem to satisfy. “Is there something wrong?”

No, there isn’t. Nothing other than the big time-traveling elephant in the room. “I’m drunk. I’m tired.” he only repeated.

“Is it something I did?” Lu Guang sounded rather tired, too. Why’re they in each other's lives if they’re just both miserable, then? What am I thinking, I don’t want him to leave me…

“You didn’t do anything, Lu Guang.” he said in a calmer voice, already feeling the sleep starting to take over him.

“You haven’t been home the past few days, and when you are home, you don’t want to talk to me.” Lu Guang frustratedly let out in one breath.

Hear that? We almost sound like a married couple, Xiaoshi nearly chuckled at the thought, before realising it was inappropriate to laugh during this conversation. “Sorry.” was all he could really say. “We’ll find something to do together tomorrow.”

“...okay.” Lu Guang replied with, though he didn’t sound completely satisfied. Regardless, he didn’t continue their conversation, didn’t press any further. Xiaoshi fell asleep shortly after. He couldn’t have imagined what Lu Guang was thinking.

He was shook awake the next morning…afternoon? Lu Guang seemed upset. “It’s twelve already, get up.” he said in an angered tone. Right, it was Monday, after all. He’s totally being shitty right now.

“...sorry. I got to sleep kinda late.” he sat up in bed and scratched at the back of his head. His skull felt like it was splitting open from a headache, he mentally noted when he sat up. “...can you make me a tea?”

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” he said his name like he were scolding a child, the manner of speech emphasized by the long sigh he let out after. “I’ve seen you do this to yourself before, you can’t hide from me.” Lu Guang spoke as if he were some kind of timeline master by now. “You’re upset by something and you go out drinking almost every night. I hate having to deal with you when you’re like this, so either talk to me or talk to your therapist.”

Fix yourself, he says, like it’s so easy. “I won’t drink tonight. Sorry.” he tiredly got up. Just how many times had this happened in the past? In his timeline, he did this maybe once, but it didn’t really count, since it was Lu Guang he was drinking with. You were enabling me, don’t act high and mighty now…

He shut the door to the bathroom behind him and turned on the shower water. If Lu Guang had gone back twice, then he’d probably seen Xiaoshi like this twice at most, right? Maybe he was ultra-depressed in the first timeline. He didn’t reckon his childhood was any easier on him a few resets ago.

It’s not even like he had a drinking problem, he’s been out drinking with Qiao Ling and Shanshan maybe three times now. Is three times in a week a drinking problem? He hadn’t drank in the months leading up to it. Probably not that great a coping mechanism, though, he supposed.

Whatever, if he dies from alcohol poisoning, Lu Guang’ll just rewind time until he doesn’t. No skin off his back. He huffed softly at the thought, before quieting down entirely, a new wave of irritation washing over him.

Since when does he hate Lu Guang so much that he’s comfortable laughing at that? He looked up at himself in the sink’s mirror, clearly seeing the annoyance on his own face. He’s been…awful lately. He should go apologise to Lu Guang.

He walked back down, but Lu Guang was engaged with a customer. Shit, his hair was still wet. He somewhat awkwardly walked directly past the hallway and into the kitchen. It was practically lunchtime already. What better way than to apologise with a meal? Lu Guang’s favourite was anything with noodles and tofu combined. A warm noodle bowl should do the trick, right?

The door opened about five minutes into chopping vegetables and he nearly jumped. Lu Guang just looked at him weirdly, and at the water he had boiling, and then decided to ignore him as he took the water out of the boiler and filled two mugs with it, then added a teabag in each. Wordlessly, he slid one of the mugs towards Cheng Xiaoshi, and then took his and left the room again.

…thanks for the tea? Now he had to boil more water. Whatever, it was useful that Lu Guang had remembered for him, because he had definitely already forgotten about his headache. And now that he was thinking about it again, it started to come back. He took a sip.

“Lu Guang.” he called when he emerged from the kitchen. The customer was gone by now, it’d been about twenty minutes, and he found Lu Guang sitting in the sunroom, not reading, not looking at his phone, just waiting. Weird.

He watched Cheng Xiaoshi come in carrying the bowl, and his expression softened a bit. He placed it down onto the table, and actually got a smile from Lu Guang. “An apology?”

“Just lunch.” he handed Lu Guang chopsticks to eat with after he got a good look inside the bowl. “You can sit here and eat for a bit, I’ll manage the shop for now. Sorry I overslept.”

“You’re not eating with me?” he came off slightly disappointed.

“...I think I’ll throw up if I eat right now.” he excused himself.

“Xiaoshi.” just before he could leave, Lu Guang still called. “Are we going somewhere tomorrow, then?”

Was he waiting for that? “Sure, I’ll find something.” he told him as he waved Lu Guang away and then shut the curtain after walking back into the hall. He was a little annoyed Lu Guang had remembered that, but it was fine, he supposed. He didn’t have better things to do tomorrow, and he didn’t want to go and agitate Lu Guang even further. Maybe trying to reconnect with him after everything wasn’t an awful idea.

That said…he still wanted to talk to Qiao Ling. Even if Lu Guang didn’t want him to. Maybe reconnecting was him preëmptively making up for that soon-betrayal. After finding out they’d both been lying to each other all along, he’d gotten a bit better with managing his guilt, though a lot worse with the feeling that now any lie he told Lu Guang would make him somehow worse than him. He didn’t really want to be that guy who kept huge secrets from his friends for seven years straight. Not that he blamed Lu Guang for that, it just sounded miserable to have to live through.

He sighed as he took his seat behind the counter. His mind’s wandering again. He won’t be like Lu Guang in that sense anyways now that he’s told him. And it’s probably good that they know about each other now, even if it’s become a bit awkward. God, this was so difficult.

“Where’d you plan on taking me?” Lu Guang was ready to go the minute he got out of bed. He was prepared to close the shop on the Tuesday, too. That must’ve been the most telltale sign that this was a Lu Guang who had lived through everything several times, because he couldn’t imagine him ever being fine with that otherwise. 

Yet here he was, standing in front of him, because he probably knew the revenue they’d generate in one day was futile in the grand scheme of it all. Since when is he thinking on such a cosmic level?

“Since it’s almost getting cold again, I figured we should make use of the warm weather while we still can. If we travel about an hour away to the coast, I’ll get us some tickets to try out the watersports there. You know, like parasailing or waterbiking or kayaking, that kinda stuff.” he nervously said, hoping Lu Guang would actually enjoy his suggestion.

And then he…laughed. “It’s always sports with you, I should’ve known. Alright, that sounds fun.”

Happy? Was that happiness? Had that made Lu Guang happy? He continued to stare at him.

“What, what’s wrong?” he gave a strange stare back, but that distinct smile didn’t leave his face.

“Ah, is it…is it something we’ve done before?” he felt a little odd asking the question.

That made Lu Guang think for a minute. Why does he have to think about it? “Once.” he finally said. “But I enjoyed it then, too.”

Really? Had he really done this before? Weird. But Xiaoshi held off on asking Lu Guang what he was like in the past timelines he’d lived through, because today was meant to get his mind off all that.

Cheng Xiaoshi tried to sleep on the trainride. Lu Guang was eager as ever to let him rest his head on his shoulder, but there was still a pit in Xiaoshi’s stomach. Could he seriously pretend that nothing was wrong for the whole day? Is that what they were going to do?

Lu Guang shook him softly, as if he’d actually fallen asleep, and spoke quietly, “Next stop.” 

“Mm.” he sat up straight again and yawned. Then, when he turned back to Lu Guang, he saw him backlit by the sunrise. Beautiful, he quickly thought before he shut his brain off. Not that it was necessarily impure to have those thoughts, it just weirded him out a bit.

“You look handsome today.” Lu Guang immediately said after he turned, though, making Cheng Xiaoshi flush red.

“Thanks…you, too.” he silently let out, and then wondered if Lu Guang saying that in the first place was a way to get Xiaoshi to admit that. Did he know how he was going to react? Is that why?

Five minutes to the next stop. He’d survive for one day.

It was a perfectly clear day, and they arrived out on the docks to buy their tickets. They’d agreed to try parasailing above all else, since that was something Lu Guang hadn’t done with him before. He’d have to ask that for everything they did from now on.

They waited for about a half-hour until a boat showed up for them, idly talking the entire time, though it didn’t feel the same as how he used to pass the time with Lu Guang. Their comfortable silences were now filled with dread on both ends, their words held unbelievable weight when they discussed future plans, even talking about interests wasn’t the same, because they knew everything about each other already.

“You two sailing in tandem?” was the first thing their boat driver said to them. When given a yes, he continued. “Good, I’m Zhong Yuxuan, I’m your driver.” he pointed towards the other man on the boat, “This is Fang Muyang, he’ll be helping you with your harnesses.”

“Lu Guang.” was the first thing Xiaoshi suddenly heard from beside him, and that reminded him to introduce himself, too.

“Ah, Cheng Xiaoshi. Nice to meet you.” he shook his hand. “Do we get on?” he motioned towards the boat.

“Please, please.” he helped them on board and sat them down once inside. “You excited?”

“Yeah.” Lu Guang responded for the both of them, and it sounded pretty genuine, from what Xiaoshi could tell. As if Cheng Xiaoshi could even read him at all at this point. He silently laughed along.

“Alright, let’s get your harnesses on, then.” the man named Muyang emerged from the back of the boat with two harnesses which he threw before Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi. They both took them in hand, trying to decipher just where what went. “I’ll demonstrate, if that’s alright.” Muyang said, walking towards Lu Guang, urging him to stand up. Cheng Xiaoshi followed.

He started by laying the harness on the ground. “Make sure it’s the right way around, with the cushioning on the back of the legs. Step in.” he instructed Lu Guang, and then leaned down to drag the harness up to his hips. “Now at the front, tighten it.” he motioned for Lu Guang to close the harness, which he did. Xiaoshi also stepped into and raised his harness up, locking it around his waist. “Now, see this strap?” he pointed at a loose-hanging strap at the waist, “I’m gonna need you to tighten that until you can’t breathe anymore.” he hyperbolically said.

“Huh? Is that necessary?” Lu Guang talked back for the first time.

“If you were looking forward to falling out of the sky, then no, but if you’d like to be safe, then it is unfortunately necessary.” he responded back in such a serious tone that they almost missed the joke. “After this, you’ll put on a lifevest, and then we’ll toss you into the water.”

“You’re so dramatic!” the one still driving the boat called. “How it’s gonna work is we’ll attach your harnesses to the sail, and then we’ll slowly extend the cord attached to this boat until you set flight. After about a half-hour, we’ll reel you in, drop you in the water, and help you back onto the boat.”

“Ah, do either of you take photos?” Xiaoshi recalled as he reached for his bag he’d brought with him.

“Sure, I can.” Muyang said. “I take a lot of family photos, they love me.”

“I brought this camera with me.” Xiaoshi handed it to the man. “It’s waterproof, but try not to let it sink to the bottom of the ocean anyways.”

“Oh, I’ll try.” he chuckled after, and then handed the both of them lifevests which he helped them into. When he looked at the two of them again, he smirked. “Ready to fly?”

Xiaoshi and Lu Guang just looked at each other. “Sure, yeah.” Xiaoshi replied after a couple seconds. Everything they’d just been told had made them a lot more nervous, but they’d paid for it already, so there was really nothing to be done.

“Love that enthusiasm.” he came closer. “One last check.” he said as he leaned down and tightened the harness even more around Lu Guang’s waist and legs, coërcing an uncomfortable sound out of him. He walked over to Cheng Xiaoshi to do the same, tightening all the straps even more than Xiaoshi even thought was possible.

“Dude, my balls…” Xiaoshi painfully collapsed forwards.

“Have you never gone rockclimbing before? It’s even worse, those harnesses.” the man laughed as he headed towards the back again and signaled for them to follow. Xiaoshi immediately burst out laughing when he saw Lu Guang uncomfortably waddling to the back of the boat, earning him a soft hit to his arm.

They were made to hold onto ropes connecting to the massive sail. “The second we start extending the cord, we’re gonna ask you to step off the back of the boat, alright? Do not jump, just step. We’ll be sending you about a hundred to a hundred-fifty meter into the air, so we can’t hear you once you’re off the boat. We’ll be looking back every minute or so, so just point in the direction you want us to drive the boat. If one of you gets motion-sick, or one of you passes out, be sure to signal us to stop, and we’ll take you back to shore. Understood?”

“You hear that, Lu Guang? Don’t pass out.” Xiaoshi snarkily turned to him with a grin.

“You hear that, Xiaoshi? Don’t pass out.” he just parroted straight back to him in a dry voice.

“Alright, alright, hold on tight.” the boat sped up a bit, and the cord holding onto the sail started extending slowly. “On my signal, you’ll step off. Ready?”

As ready as you can be to fly a hundred meter into the air. “Ready.” Xiaoshi called. He looked down, and realised Lu Guang was also looking down, waiting for the exact moment he stepped off to step off with him…no pressure.

“Alright!” they both stepped off in sync and were immediately taken by the wind. Xiaoshi’s heart started pounding like crazy as he watched the ocean slowly get further and further from him.

“How many people die to this yearly?!” he shouted just before they were entirely out of reach.

The men on the boat just laughed in response. “Not enough for us to go out of business!” 

Real comforting, thanks. When he turned to look at Lu Guang again, he realised he had his eyes closed and was practically bracing himself.

“Hey, Lu Guang, you’re missing it.” he said rather loudly to be heard over the harsh wind.

“I’m okay with that.” Lu Guang just insecurely let out. He tried to open an eye, but once he saw how high up they were, he immediately closed it again. “Is this it? Are we going even higher?”

“God, please do not tell me you’re afraid of heights.”

“I’m not!” Lu Guang offendedly opened his eyes, now just focusing on Cheng Xiaoshi instead of the drop below them. “I’m afraid of falling to my death, there’s a difference.” he turned away and shut his eyes again. “I’ll open them once we’re stable, give me a second.”

Xiaoshi had to admit it was really hard to hear Lu Guang’s soft tone speaking over the blasting wind. He looked down at the boat, which was now so far from them it wasn’t even funny, and tried to see whether the cord would stop extending at any point or not. Surely this was a hundred meter already, right?

After another minute or two, their turbulence evened out a fair amount, and Xiaoshi heard laughing from beside him. Lu Guang was laughing.

“Ah, this feels so weird! It’s like I’m flying!” he had to shout for Xiaoshi to hear him.

“You’ve really never done this before?” Xiaoshi, for some reason, felt the need to double check.

“No, of course not!” he turned to him with a smile, and then back to the scenery. “But we should do it again.”

I wish I’d had more time with you. I want to experience new things together.

Xiaoshi managed a smile purely from seeing Lu Guang so happy, but just barely. He looked at everything, the people down on the beach to the right of them, the glistening ocean to the left, the cliffends ahead.

It was just like he’d felt back in Bangkhon. Why can’t he enjoy any of it? This was the best moment of his life, why can’t he feel anything? Lu Guang was the happiest he’d seen him, they were making new memories together, this was the most romantic scenery he’d ever see, what was wrong with him?

“Xiaoshi, Xiaoshi, look down!” Lu Guang yelled, tone still bright as ever. When he looked down, Mu…the harness guy was holding his camera up to them. Right, right, photos.

He threw a peace sign up, hoping that was even visible from this distance. Then, just before the man could stop taking their photo, he signed for him to wait as he tried his absolute best to turn towards Lu Guang. Once he was relatively facing him, he gave the cameraman the ‘ok’ as he grabbed Lu Guang’s face and went in for a deep kiss.

He didn’t know why he was trying to prove to himself that he was having a good time when his brain wasn’t gonna believe him no matter what he did. Lu Guang didn’t even kiss back at first, probably cause he was too surprised, before then melting into the kiss right after.

Xiaoshi backed away from him after just a few more seconds, pointing a thumbs up to the man taking their photo, and then promptly getting a thumbs up back in response.

It only then dawned on him that he and Lu Guang were both men. That was probably a risky as hell thing to do in front of two guys who literally held their lives in their hands right now. 

“That was…a really bad idea to do in front of them.” Lu Guang immediately noted.

“I forgot!” he yelled back. “There hasn’t been a timeline yet where we’ve died due to hatecrime, has there?”

“Not yet, no.” Lu Guang blankly turned back to him. He scrunched his face a bit. “Seriously?”

“Oh, oh. Sorry.” Xiaoshi somewhat awkwardly chuckled. What do you mean ‘seriously’? Was Lu Guang not thinking about this constantly? Could he forget it when he was having fun? Seriously?

When he turned back just a couple seconds later, though, Lu Guang was smiling again just from looking down. Did that mean that unlike Cheng Xiaoshi, he wasn’t constantly acting? Despite everything, Lu Guang could genuinely feel joy? 

Seriously…? Why’d that thought make him feel worse?

He and Lu Guang didn’t get to talk too much while up there anyways, considering how loud they had to be. Even knowing they were a hundred-something meter above the ground and no one would ever realistically hear them, shouting at the top of their lungs about their time travel abilities didn’t seem smart.

The ocean was gorgeous. He was glad he at least got to see it from up there for once in his life.

They were reeled back in after what honestly only felt like five minutes, but he supposed a half hour really had passed. They both fell straight into the water, and, not being able to swim well with the harness on and the sail dragging them down, Xiaoshi was endlessly grateful for the lifevest that helped him stay afloat. The boat came to a full stop, and they were carried back up onboard.

Once up, the first thing both of them did was remove the harness.

“Oh, god, I can breathe again.” Xiaoshi dramatically gasped for air the minute the pressure on his legs and waist disappeared.

“Idiot.” Lu Guang just softly said after removing his own harness too, though he spoke like he were trying to hold back his laughter.

Before anything else, the man handed Xiaoshi his camera back. “Oh, thanks. Did you get a couple good ones?”

The man just smiled at them. “You two are a couple, right?”

Enough to immediately make him sweat. “Oh, yeah.”

But he started laughing, and patted Xiaoshi on the back. “Oh, you scared me! Last time we had our tandem flyers kiss up there, it was completely unexpected. They called off flying early and we had to accompany them on the awkward twenty-minute boatride back while they were both crying.”

Oh, god. “I promise, I would not have done that if we weren’t together.” Xiaoshi now started to laugh, too.

“Think we should make it a rule?” the driver asked, “No kissing in the air.”

“That’s already a rule, you’re not supposed to move out of your harness.” the other replied, and then turned to Cheng Xiaoshi again. “That’s gonna cost you extra, alright?”

“Huh? Seriously?”

The man just burst out laughing a second time. Xiaoshi just laughed along. “I’m pulling your leg, don’t worry.”

All of a sudden, Lu Guang’s stomach audibly growled, interrupting the two of them. Right, they didn’t have a large breakfast that day. Lu Guang somewhat embarrassedly turned away.

“Oh, you two gonna have lunch nearby?” the driver asked them from behind the steer. Only a couple more minutes before they reached shore.

“Yeah, we’ll see if we can find a nearby mall.”

“No, no, don’t bother! Closest mall’s a thirty-minute walk away.” he continued. “There’s a really good place just left of when you get off the docks. They sell sushi and other seafoods, completely fresh, and it’s cheap as hell there, too. There’s a big fish by the entrance, you can’t miss it!”

“Ah, alright, thanks!” he smiled at him, and then turned to Lu Guang. Lu Guang was just…staring at him, no particular expression on his face. It wasn’t new, he did this all the time, but Xiaoshi was a little more creeped out than normal given what he knew now. What was Lu Guang thinking when he looked at him like this?

His expression changed within the blink of an eye. “Yeah, thanks, that sounds good.”

They were outside, on a terrace overlooking the water. It really was just a five-minute walk to this place, and the food was delicious.

“Lu Guang.” Xiaoshi started as he was eating. “How do you feel about me?”

“Hm?” Lu Guang looked up from his plate, barely not looking Cheng Xiaoshi in the eyes, and squinting a little funnily. “What kinda question is that?” he asked, but continued. “I told you, I love you.”

“Yeah, but not romantically.”

“Mhm.” he went back to eating, like that was the end of the conversation.

“But it has to be more than just friendship.” Xiaoshi tried to push him into answering the question he was actually asking.

“Yeah.” Lu Guang agreed simply, though.

Lu Guang, come on. “So what exactly is it, then?” Xiaoshi pressed. “You don’t really drop everything to go save just a friend of yours from dying, right? I mean…you’re a lot more to me than just that.”

Lu Guang looked up again, now an unreadable expression. Xiaoshi had been finding more and more often that he became rather scared when Lu Guang looked at him—really looked through him. This was one of those moments. “You’re the most important person in the world to me.” he replied, like it was obvious. “I love you more than anything, and…I don’t know what to do without you. That’s why I went back.” he paused. “A—And what you said, too, it’s unfair, you don’t deserve to die young. I agree.” he added on as an afterthought, his voice getting a little more desperate.

It’s like he’s trying to appeal to me, Xiaoshi thought. “And how about Qiao Ling, then? How do you feel about her?”

“...yeah? I love her, too. She’s like a big sister to me.” he said, now a little more confused as to where this was going. “I also want to save her, Xiaoshi.”

“I know.” Xiaoshi smiled as if to calm Lu Guang’s worries about him. “But is it different from how you feel about me?”

“Huh? Of course it is…you love Qiao Ling differently from how you love me, don’t you?” he was a bit lost.

“It’s different, I know, but you’re both equally important to me.” he elaborated, and then saw that face on Lu Guang that he always makes whenever he finally understands something he’s been struggling to.

“Oh, that’s what you mean.” Lu Guang just said after that, nothing more.

It’s not the same, then. Lu Guang thinks he’s more important than Qiao Ling, doesn’t he? “I wanted to ask you again, since it’s been a minute…we should invite Qiao Ling over soon and come clean to her about everything. Since she’s also involved, she deserves to know, right?”

He didn’t hear a response from him, but instead heard Lu Guang’s chopsticks hit his plate. “Xiaoshi, look at me.” he just said, tone way more demanding again now. When Cheng Xiaoshi looked up, though, Lu Guang’s face looked less scary and more pleading. “Please listen to me, don’t tell Qiao Ling.”

…what’s he supposed to say when he asks that so genuinely? “...why?”

“I told you, it’s dangerous. The timeline becomes unpredictable when too many people know. Everything can get out of our control.” he stayed neutral, like he was still trying to stay on Cheng Xiaoshi’s good side.

It’s so vague when you say that. Xiaoshi sighed. “What would happen then?”

“...I don’t want to burden you with that.” Lu Guang sighed. “Please, just trust me. I’m not trying to work against you here.” he continued to plead, and Xiaoshi felt a little conflicted.

You don’t want to burden me? I’ve been burdened enough, Lu Guang. You’re the one who told me you wanted more time…

When he next stared up, Lu Guang had gone back to eating. Come on, is that it? That’s all you can say about it? “Lu Guang—?”

“Let’s eat, Xiaoshi.” he practically cut him off. Okay, doesn’t want to talk about it, then. Did he know something? Had Qiao Ling found out before and something bad happened because of it? What could’ve happened that’s worse than what already happens? They’re all dead anyways…

Lu Guang was simply eating. Nothing visible on his face, no shaking in his hands or bouncing of his leg, nothing that gave away any kind of nervousness, anxiëty or any negative emotion at all. It unsettled Xiaoshi even more than if he were on-edge all the time.

They got home around evening, just in time to still have dinner in the shop. Everything looked so bleak to Cheng Xiaoshi. God, what was wrong with his head? Maybe it was being with Lu Guang that was fucking with him.

He checked the time. Two past five. “Hey, Lu Guang, are you hungry?” he asked, not looking up from his phone.

“Huh? No, not yet.” he replied, taking Xiaoshi’s coat off for him and hanging it up on the rack.

He shut his phone off and shoved it into his pocket. “...okay, I’m gonna go to sleep, then. Wake me up when you want dinner.”

“...I can order out if you’re tired.” Lu Guang called from behind him, causing him to stop. “I’ll just wake you up when the food arrives.”

“Okay.” he really didn’t want to start crying now, cause he knew it’d plunge him into another deep conversation with Lu Guang that he just wasn’t ready for. “Goodnight. Love you.” he finished, starting to head up the stairs.

He sagged down into the mattress. This really was one of the only places he felt safe. When he shut his eyes, he could only think about Lu Guang, sitting next to him in the parasail, smiling. Just as it made his heart skip, it also made his stomach sick. Maybe it would actually be better if he distanced himself from Lu Guang. Somehow it felt like everything he thought he knew about Lu Guang was void now, and four years in he was starting over. How can such a stupid revelation make him so miserable all over again? He was fine spending time with Lu Guang just a couple weeks ago before all this.

His breathing stabled out, his mind stopped racing, and eventually his eyes fell shut. He couldn’t tell how long had passed when he felt the mattress shift and snapped awake, but it was dark outside now. The room smelled good. So good he almost fell asleep again due to how cozy everything felt, but Lu Guang made sure to shake him awake.

“I brought your dinner. It’s almost nine, so you should eat before it’s any later.” Lu Guang’s soft, gentle voice came. Xiaoshi kinda felt like he were being swooned by the devil.

He sat up, his head heavy. “Thanks.” he breathed as he leaned forward enough to press a kiss to Lu Guang’s cheek. “Sorry for being shitty again.”

Lu Guang opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. That’s funny, he can’t even deny it. “I enjoyed myself today.” he instead said, like that proved Xiaoshi wasn’t ruining his mood. “Did you?”

“...no.” he opened the box of takeout Lu Guang had gotten him, then broke apart his chopsticks and softly blew on his food. “We’ll have to try something different later.”

Lu Guang got incredibly uncomfortable at even the mention of that. “What…” he leaned over forwards as he just watched Cheng Xiaoshi eat. It’s hilarious to think that just a couple hours earlier, they were the happiest people on the planet together, and now, the second they got home, their performance ended, and all of that joy faded. “I don’t know how to help you.”

“Yeah.” he whispered back, bringing a bite of noodles to his mouth and blandly eating it up. He couldn’t tell if the food was just badly seasoned, or if his mood had affected his tastebuds that bad.

“Xiaoshi?” Lu Guang called his name even quieter now. He reached down and moved his food off the bed, then took the chopsticks out of his hand. He pushed and pinned Xiaoshi down to the bed. “Do you still love me?”

Sadly. “More than anything.”

Lu Guang’s soft hands touched his face, his thumbs digging into his cheeks, his face lingering near his. “Do you wanna…” he cut himself off with a kiss to Xiaoshi’s cheek, silently awaiting his answer.

Entirely red, Xiaoshi’s hand reached up to Lu Guang’s face, too, and pulled his head down into a proper kiss. “Yes.” he breathed against his lips, and there was that smile again. He brought him in for another kiss just so he wouldn’t have to see that.

Could he tell the offer itself was a result of Lu Guang grasping at straws to think of something that would make Xiaoshi feel better? Yeah, course he could. He wondered if every time Lu Guang had initiated before he found out was a result of the same thing. No wonder Lu Guang had chosen to fast-forward the development of their relationship, even. 

He wondered if Lu Guang even wanted this, or if it was all some strategy to keep Cheng Xiaoshi with him and keep him hooked. That thought alone sounded funny to him—he really was being swooned by the devil. After everything he’d been through, though, he figured he deserved to be just a little selfish.

…everything hurt. He woke up with Lu Guang still hugging him, still asleep, looking peaceful as ever.

Lu Guang had actually made him bleed last night. That’s what being apart for seven, almost eight months now gets you, he supposed. He rubbed the wound on his inner thigh softly. 

“Mm…” Lu Guang softly let out as Cheng Xiaoshi shifted in bed. “Morning.” he whispered against his neck. Xiaoshi didn’t reply, continued to lay still, a little flustered, a little nervous. He shut his eyes again when Lu Guang started to move. Not a second later did he feel soft, warm lips against his own, and he opened his eyes again.

Lu Guang stared at him with a grin on his face. “You did a number on my legs.” Xiaoshi just said ever-neutrally, turning his face away from Lu Guang for fear of his heart exploding if he continued to look at him.

“You did a number on mine.” Lu Guang dryly replied, falling back down to the bed next to him. “And my neck.” he recalled.

“You gave me a scab.” Xiaoshi sat up so Lu Guang could see. He didn’t think he sounded annoyed, just neutral, always neutral. But Lu Guang turned a bit irritable when he saw it.

“Oh, I’m sorry, does it hurt?” his voice had actual concern in it. Huh? How did he just connect the dots, no wonder Lu Guang’s afraid of hurting him…

“It’s a good pain.” he smiled at him now to try and calm his nerves. Yesterday was…probably not a good idea, and definitely not if he was trying to get over the fact they were both diving. He still needed to have a more in-depth conversation with Lu Guang, cause it still felt like he was hiding so much from him. Performances like these to keep them both sane were just ruining his sanity more than anything, and they were dragging them further and further away from a real conversation. Was it even a performance to Lu Guang?

All quality time he seemed to be spending with Lu Guang recently was just severing their bond, bit by bit. “Should we shower?”

‘We’. “Sure.”

Lu Guang went out for just an hour maybe, promising to bring back groceries, and Xiaoshi was pacing their room. He didn’t want to be invasive, but he wanted to be just a little invasive. Right as Lu Guang left, he’d opened his desk drawer to see if there was anything in there. He didn’t want to snoop, he wished Lu Guang could just tell him everything normally, but he didn’t have that luxury. He paced the room wondering what to do after finding a notebook at the bottom of the drawer with the word ‘diary’ written on it in the corner. He couldn’t, right?

He did. He opened the first few pages, and…

…since fucking when does—? Was this French? No, French has silly lines on their letters…is this Italian or some shit? No, wait, this is Latin? ‘Memento mori’—that’s Latin, right? he ever-so-briefly recalled something of the like being taught in his history class, but couldn’t for the life of him remember what it meant. Why’s Lu Guang writing in Latin to begin with? Does he not know fucking stroke order? Just write in Chinese like a normal person, who’re you trying to impress?

He desperately flipped through the pages to find a semblance of something he could read. July fifteenth was in Mandarin. A couple months after they “first met”, like, right after the cosplay event?

‘I can’t go back.’ was all that was written before a wall of Latin text (what, didn’t know how to write that first bit in Latin, Lu Guang?), and then at the bottom of the page a short paragraph which read, ‘I wish I could see the changes coming like before. I can’t tell what’s happening to Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m scared he’ll die when I can’t reach him. I can’t go back anymore to fix it without his power. I’m scared he might try to kill himself again this time.’

…he kinda preferred when it was indecipherable. Again? Again? He’d never even dream of doing something like that to himself. What could’ve happened to him to make him even attempt that?

He kept flipping through, getting a little uneasy. ‘I wish I were good enough for him. My head’s so messy all the time, I can’t even think sometimes. Then I need to leave the shop again and leave him alone. I wish my head worked like I wanted it to. I don’t want to keep thinking about a future that won’t come to pass.’ from July thirtieth, ‘Somehow the changes are getting worse. I haven’t done anything too differently, but he found out about his parents four years before we even met. I might just kill him sooner the longer I go back.’ from the start of August, and a chilling, ‘I wish it was over.’ from the end of August.

He was snooping. He was absolutely snooping. This was invasive, and he was disgusting for it. He made sure to remind himself to never do this again as he kept going. 

Oh, great, now he’s writing in English. Multilingual asshole.

They were formatted like poëms, and just like poëms, Xiaoshi couldn’t make out what a single word meant. There were a couple <and>s in there, that was nice. He flipped past a couple pages that were just the character for ‘death’ over and over and over again.

‘Xiaoshi, if you’re reading this, I hope I’m dead by now. I wanted to live out the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old together with you, that’s why I did it, but I won’t grow up like this. If I end up dead someday, it’s not your fault. It’s my arrogance, thinking I can take on something as grand as time just to allow us to spend a couple more minutes together past the date. I miss you so, so much. But no matter what you are, you’re still Cheng Xiaoshi, so you’re still worth saving. When everything goes wrong again, next time I’ll try to die with you. If we’re buried together, then we’ll meet again in another life.’

Really obsessed with death there, isn’t he? Any perceptions he’d built of Lu Guang over the past days, happy, calm, genuine—they were immediately shattered. That’s lovely, he’s been miserable this entire time, too.

Xiaoshi skipped over the pages that were just largely his face drawn on them. He wondered why Lu Guang never told him he could draw, but when you’re in the past for seven years, he supposed you pick up some new hobbies along the way. Seven years…

‘I’ll kill him.’ from October twenty-eighth. That’s a month ago presently. The…Oh, right, the day he confronted Lu Guang and confessed he was timetraveling. The day that he told Lu Guang he was a disgusting human being. Or, no, wait. October twenty-eighth of twenty-nineteen. Surely he wasn’t misnumbering his years now, right? Is Lu Guang gonna kill Cheng Xiaoshi a year from now? Maybe he got confused after going back three times.

Or maybe this book looked so old for a reason. He’d brought it with him from the previous timelines. No wonder it was so thick.

He flipped back to the start of the book to try and find out if he’d missed those yearcounts this entire time, but as far as he could tell, those weren’t numbered. Then again, the whole page was in Latin.

Maybe it was a mistake, though. Surely he couldn’t take this with him over several timelines. Lu Guang was in a shutdown state at the time, and was probably more hurt than ever before. Writing something like that, while scary, was possibly cathartic to him? And it made sense to maybe get a date wrong when he was struggling to think.

Xiaoshi finished flipping through the entire book, but there was nothing else in Chinese. He promptly closed it, put it back exactly where he’d found it, because he knew Lu Guang would notice otherwise, and placed the book he kept in there perfectly back on top of it to hide it away again.

He dropped down onto his bed. He supposed it wasn’t too revolutionary to find out that Lu Guang wasn’t doing great given his situation, but he seemed a little too obsessed with death for it to be normal. Not even touching on the fact that there was a world in which Xiaoshi tried to take his own life.

And since when does Lu Guang speak Latin? Then again, there was a message in there addressed to him. And he just kept it in his desk drawer. Maybe Lu Guang expected Xiaoshi to find it, and needed a way so that he couldn’t read it. In that case, what the hell did the entries he couldn’t read say? Were those Chinese entries just what Lu Guang intended Xiaoshi to find?

Oh, maybe he didn’t try to kill himself, then. Maybe writing that in was a way of trying to prevent it from ever happening by scaring him? Xiaoshi tried his hardest to reason. Stupid mindgames…! Xiaoshi’s head hit his knees. He’ll never understand what’s going on in Lu Guang’s head.

The shop’s bell rang, that was his sign to get up.

He needed someone else to turn to.

Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling were out again, but he was decidedly staying sober this time. He was so sober that they’d strayed away from bars completely and were instead out at the park with sodas in hand. He breathed heavily, kinda nervously, and Qiao Ling just stared on expectantly, cause he’d called her out here specifically to talk.

He actually didn’t have it in him to say the first word. Not only was he scared of having to tell Qiao Ling what’s gonna happen to her and how she’d react to that, but because of how nicely Lu Guang had asked, he was also a little irritated to have to let him down. Then again, since he’d put it so nicely, maybe it was more okay to overstep. Lu Guang didn’t sound like he’d be necessarily mad if he told Qiao Ling, right?

“Is it about Lu Guang again?” she asked after five minutes of silence, snapping him awake. Shit, well…he shouldn’t tell her about Lu Guang’s dives, right? That’s not a great idea.

“...remember when I was really going through it, a couple months ago?” he instead responded.

“You’re still going through it.” she replied. Helpful, Qiao Ling, I know.

“Okay, I’m being serious.” he let out another heavy breath, and it was probably starting to worry her.

“Yeah, I remember.” she responded, then gave him a look. “I never see you like this...”

“I need to play it up or you won’t believe me.” he added on a little more lightheartedly before returning to his more earnest tone. “I asked you about if you’d travel back in time to save the people you loved.”

“Oh, yeah, when you were being all paranoid.”

“It’s not paranoia—okay, I’m…” God, how is he gonna word this so she doesn’t think he’s insane? He pulled out his phone again in case he had to dive to prove himself. “It’s real.” he sighed. “The situation I described was real. I…I have the power to timetravel, and eight months ago, I traveled back to the past.”

There was silence before Qiao Ling let out a confused chuckle. “Sorry? Huh? Are you okay?” her hand reached up to Cheng Xiaoshi’s face and pushed his bangs out of his eyes so she was looking at him. “Uh, I mean, no offense, but where’d you hear this from?”

“Lu Guang’s dead.” he decidedly just said. “I watched him die. A—and I wasn’t there to see, but you were dead, too. The three of us, we were attacked.”

“...huh?” she stared at him weirdly. “Did you have a nightmare? It’s not real, Xiaoshi—”

“It’s real.” he looked up at her as he repeated it. “Just like my mother, I have the power to go back in time through photographs. After you both died, I went back three years in time, to when I first met Lu Guang, to try and redo it all. I thought maybe this time, I could do something to save you two.” he repeated, trying to get her to understand.

She latched onto that, though. “How—your mother?” Qiao Ling sounded like she was starting to believe him despite how ridiculous it all sounded to someone who didn’t even know about their powers. Right, he hadn’t found out about his parents being in Bridon yet in this timeline. He could use that.

“Before I went back in time, I found out about my mom and dad. They’re both in Bridon. I found them, I spoke to them…” he sadly laughed, “You didn’t want me to go, and you’d been keeping from me that you overheard my mom before she left. I mean, I don’t blame you for that now, but I was mad at the time. I got enough closure going to Bridon with Lu Guang anyways, even if we had to sneak out to get there.” he turned to her, and she was just blankly staring back at him, like she really couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. “...I can show you my power if you don’t believe me.”

“No—what…” she continued to stare at him with some kind of disdain. “You said there were consequences.”

“Huh?”

“Back when you asked me the hypothetical, you said I might not want to dive back, because there’d be consequences.”

“Because I might change the past. I might live through these three years only to lose you again, and then I’ll have to restart…I’m not actually supposed to be telling you in the first place, but…Lu Guang’s not helping me, and you’re always so level-headed, and I don’t know what to do…” he started to tear up at the end of his sentence, and just kept going. His head fell lower. “I’ve been all alone with this for the past eight months, and I kept thinking about what I’d do if you died again, and Lu Guang always used to tell me never to change anything or dive without him, and I couldn’t listen to him because I’m so stupid…I—I couldn’t just leave you there! Lu Guang told me you were bleeding out and there wasn’t any hope, a—and then Lu Guang died in front of me, and—”

A hand hit his shoulder, causing him to stop talking finally. “Xiaoshi.” she called, and he managed to look up at her, his eyes still pouring. “I…I get it, alright? It’s okay.” she stared at him for only a second before turning away. “Lu Guang’s the same, right? He also has a power?”

“I—how did you…?”

“‘Divination’, really?” she sighed. “Can he also go back in time?”

Well, “H—he can look into a photo, to see all the events, up to twelve hours after the photo was taken. It’s why he was always telling me to stick to his rules, because he’s the only one who can guide me through the past.” Xiaoshi tried to stop sobbing and calm his tone.

“Oh. Though, you just said you told him before you told me…I guess that was when you two had a short falling out?” she asked. What did that have to do with anything?

“Yeah, that’s when I told him.” he confirmed for her.

“But Lu Guang told me that he was the one in the wrong, and he’d made a big mistake, that now you hated him. So what was that, then?” she pressed, and Xiaoshi realised that he did in fact just make that slip-up. Goddamnit.

He silenced himself after that, trying to fully think through what he’d next say so that he might remedy this. He didn’t want to expose Lu Guang, too…

“Did something happen with Lu Guang, where he also made changes to the timeline?” Qiao Ling interrupted as he was trying to think. Let me think of a lie before you guess, my god…

“It…it was you and I. We died first.” he spilled. Whatever, Lu Guang needed Qiao Ling’s help, too. Surely she could help the both of them. “Lu Guang used my power to go back and try to save us, and in doing that, he ended up killing himself for me. I made the same stupid mistake of coming back.” he continued to cry as Qiao Ling’s comforting hand didn’t leave his back, kept rubbing soft circles into his skin.

“Okay…” she softly said, then nodded her head a couple times. “Okay…” Xiaoshi wondered what she was doing when he suddenly started hearing sniffing from her, and she eventually started crying as hard as he already was. “And you’re telling me the truth?” her teary voice emphasized how betrayed she’d feel if he wasn’t.

“I promise…” came out in a shaken voice. “I just need your help.”

Xiaoshi felt Qiao Ling’s hand leave him and then she prompted him to sit upright. The minute he raised up even remotely, she tugged him straight into a hug, pressing his head into her shoulder as they now cried on each other. He felt her hands pull his ponytail out as they started to slowly feel through his hair, something she probably knew comforted him. “It’s okay.” she softly breathed, trying to stabilise her voice, the sound ringing in Cheng Xiaoshi’s ears. “Your big sister’s here for you.”

Fuck. Alright. He hugged her tightly back as he started crying even harder. Why couldn’t he get this from Lu Guang? Or, no, don’t think about that right now. He buried his face into Qiao Ling’s shoulder. 

They must’ve cried like that for a while, cause Xiaoshi remembered it being around sunset when they started talking, and it was dark now. Qiao Ling was a little calmer when she looked at him after he pulled away.

“...so, do you actually believe me?” was first out of Xiaoshi’s mouth. He still couldn’t exactly trust that Qiao Ling understood what he was saying. He himself knew how ridiculous he probably sounded.

“Look, Xiaoshi…” a smile came to her face and then immediately faded.  “First off, I don’t really trust you’d lie to me about something like this…and, honestly, it explains a bit as to why you just struck me as so…different the minute you met Lu Guang. I thought maybe he’d had an influence on you, but you were speaking more maturely, you seemed so attentive to those around you, overnight you completely got over your parents, I…well, I didn’t bring it up, cause what was I supposed to say? That I didn’t believe you were you anymore?” she sniffed again, wiping her eyes of some nearly-fallen tears. “I didn’t know how to help you, and I didn’t know if you even needed my help anymore.”

“I—” woah, okay. Voice crack. He should calm down a bit. Xiaoshi’s voice lowered. “I always need your help.” he nearly whispered. “Lu Guang…he didn’t want you to know, but I think that he needs you, too. He’s also having an incredibly difficult time right now, and it’s hard to talk to him.”

“Huh? You went behind his back?” she laughed a little awkwardly. Xiaoshi wondered if he’d said something wrong.

“I wanted to tell you from the start, same as I wanted to tell Lu Guang. I suggested we tell you together, but he said it wasn’t a ‘good idea’, whatever that means…” he sighed. “We’ve been struggling to talk lately, because we can’t figure out what to do. Besides, it really just feels like he doesn’t want to share anything with me.”

“You need me to come up with a solution here?” she scoffed. “I think you think too highly of me.” she turned away and laughed a small bit as she was still trying to recover from her tears.

“You’re as clued in as I am now. I remember you being able to help me whenever I was stuck. I don’t mean to put this all on you, of course, but since it’s also about you, I figured at the very least the three of us could work something out together.” he quietly spoke, most of his energy exhausted by now after crying for so long.

Qiao Ling threw an arm around him, pulling his head closer to her chest. “That I can do.” she smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before letting him go. She stood, and then offered him a hand. “Should we go talk to him now, then?”

Xiaoshi’s heart was hammering in his chest the entire time he and Qiao Ling were headed back to the shop. He didn’t expect Qiao Ling would want to immediately go back and tell Lu Guang. He hadn’t prepared himself for this yet. Maybe she still didn’t fully believe him? Like, she wanted to make sure he’d go through with saying this in front of Lu Guang, too. What kind of punishment was this?

She pushed the shop door open after walking back for nearly a half hour. Xiaoshi peeked his head inside, but Lu Guang wasn’t at the front counter.

Instead, he emerged from the kitchen after hearing their bell play, and walked over when he saw who it was. He seemed…uplifted? That immediately faded when he better looked at Cheng Xiaoshi, though. 

“You didn’t go drinking again, did you?” he disappointedly walked up and looked like he was one second short of literally patting him down for alcohol.

“I’m sober! Ask Qiao Ling.” he got defensive quick, backing away from Lu Guang before he could touch him. His heart was still going wild, he felt it almost everywhere in his body. He didn’t need Lu Guang’s hands on him right now.

Lu Guang sighed, and then headed over back behind the counter. “Evening, Lingjie. You come to eat with us?” he greeted her finally.

“Sure, I can stay. Xiaoshi wanted to have a conversation first, though.” she led with, and Xiaoshi immediately got even more nervous. Give a warning, Qiao Ling! Oh, god… She got a little quiet as Lu Guang continued to stare at her, awaiting what she’d next say. She noticed that, and just said it, “Xiaoshi told me about what the both of you have been doing.”

Oh my god, how can you just say that? Xiaoshi quite literally had to start breathing heavier to make sure he was getting enough air in as he waited for Lu Guang to respond.

“...huh?” he just seemed confused for a minute, before he awkwardly laughed, a small blush painting his face. “You told your sister something like that? That’s unlike you.”

“Not our—” Xiaoshi let out the breath he was holding. “Not about our relationship, Lu Guang.” his voice came out wobbly.

“What, then?” he now stopped and stared Xiaoshi in particular in the eyes, so intensely, like he had an idea already of what he’d said, but didn’t want to say anything before he was sure. “What’d you talk about?”

At the death glare Lu Guang shot at him, Xiaoshi froze up. Why was Lu Guang of all people putting him in fight or flight mode?

Qiao Ling got closer to Lu Guang and grabbed his hand, something that definitely made him uncomfortable, and he looked away from Xiaoshi and down at her. “Lu Guang, you two don’t have to deal with everything all alone from now on, I want to help, and I want to be involved, so—”

Lu Guang tore his hand away from hers and looked for a second like he was resisting the urge to scream. He immediately regained his composure, though—or, at least, regained his neutral look—and now looked away from the both of them. He leaned down on the counter and stuffed his face into his arms. “You’re fucking with me, right, Xiaoshi?”

Xiaoshi couldn’t place him, if he were furious, sad, just disappointed. His voice sounded teary, but he wasn’t crying. “She can help us—”

“What is wrong with you?” he suddenly said louder, raising back up and turning straight towards Cheng Xiaoshi. “Are you stupid? What’s so fucking difficult about just listening to me for once? Everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve done for you, and you can’t even listen!” he raised his voice even louder in frustration.

I’m not gonna sit here and be told off by you, Lu Guang. Xiaoshi narrowed his eyes. “And what about you, then? When’s the last time you stopped to listen to me and what I have to say? You’re not the only one who needs to be listened to. We both put ourselves in this situation, but you act like you have some kind of authority. Why listen to you when your best plan of action was to shoot yourself for me?! I think someone ought to come up with a better plan!”

“God, Xiaoshi, if you can magically fix all my problems, then by all means do it!” Lu Guang’s fist balled and he turned to Qiao Ling now, still incredibly angry. “Last time Qiao Ling found out about everything, the timeline sped up. The three of us were attacked almost a year before we were supposed to be, and I almost died before I could go back. You could get us all killed.”

“Lu Guang, we can work together so that wouldn’t happen. Now that all three of us know, we know to be aware.” Qiao Ling responded, though it didn’t make Lu Guang any happier.

“You seem stressed enough that you probably need help doing this anyways. I want us to actually get somewhere. And even if you don’t think it helps you save me, then I don’t care, because it’ll help me save you in the end.” Xiaoshi tacked on. It sickened him a little how positive he was trying to be now, but Qiao Ling rather had that natural effect on him. It’d been a while now since Lu Guang had managed to cheer him up in that same way.

“I’m not having this conversation.” Lu Guang suddenly stated, headed towards the sunroom and grabbed his phone and headphones before trying to leave the shop. Xiaoshi blocked his exit.

“This is important, Lu Guang. I’m so sick of you never talking to me.”

“You think I’m not sick of you? Let me leave.” he tried to get around him, but Xiaoshi didn’t budge. “Let me leave.” Lu Guang just repeated, now looking up at him. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Where are you going?” Xiaoshi somewhat insecurely asked before moving more out of the doorway. Lu Guang didn’t try to leave, though, he just stood still as his gaze naturally drifted back towards the ground.

“It’s always about you, isn’t it?” he breathed, Xiaoshi barely even hearing it. “It doesn’t matter if I tell you not to do something, if you want to, you’ll do it. It doesn’t matter if I say it’s a bad idea to drag Qiao Ling into this, you’ll do it anyway if you disagree. It doesn’t matter if I try to save you and save you and save you over and over and over again, if you’re hellbent enough on dying, then it’ll happen. It’s just more burden on me, no skin off your back, right?”

“Lu Guang—?” Xiaoshi tried to interject, but Lu Guang kept speaking.

“No! All you ever do is think selfishly, like you’re the only one that matters!” he turned to him, “You can never just trust me on something, you always go behind my back and do it anyways because you think your judgment is better than mine! No matter how many times I’ve tried to kill myself for you, what’s the point of any of it if you don’t listen to me? If you don’t trust me? You’ve known me for four years now, too. Surely that means something to you, surely you care at all about how I feel—?!”

“All I’ve done the past four years knowing you is care!” he stepped forwards towards Lu Guang and gave him a shove, look at me. “Maybe I’d trust you more if you were ever open with me—”

“—cause every time you’ve found out, you’ve ran straight to Qiao Ling to confide in her! What, am I not enough?!” he stopped himself from what he was going to say next and quieted down. He was sobbing now, his hand latching onto his face to start drying some of his tears. “It—” he huffed as he turned away, tried not to look at Qiao Ling’s prying eyes from the corner. “It’s fine. I don’t care if you hate me.” he defeatedly looked down. “I have to go back now, anyways.”

…

Cheng Xiaoshi took a frightful step back, and he noticed Lu Guang was already looking at him. Since when did it get so bad?

“Xiaoshi?” Qiao Ling asked when she probably saw that distinct look of horror on his face. Before she said anything more, Lu Guang started to take a step in his direction, and Xiaoshi immediately bolted in the other direction, taking the stairs up and locking himself in the first floor bathroom as quick as he could. What the fuck. When had it gotten so bad? What did he do wrong?

“Ch—Cheng Xiaoshi!” Lu Guang’s still-teary voice called and he heard another two pairs of footsteps ascending the stairs quickly. Xiaoshi double checked that the door was locked when he heard Lu Guang was right outside. “Xi—I didn’t mean that—”

“Stop talking.” Xiaoshi just cried. He sank down against the door and sat with his head between his knees. He didn’t mean that? How do you accidentally tell someone you’re going to kill them? What the fuck did he do wrong?

“Xiaoshi, what’s wrong?” Qiao Ling also asked from the other side of the door. He shut his eyes as he leaned his head back against the wood.

A couple minutes of relative silence passed. He knew Lu Guang and Qiao Ling were still standing outside, just listening to him cry in there. Maybe they were worried he’d hurt himself. In that case, Lu Guang was of bigger concern than himself.

Shakily, and trying not to be heard by Lu Guang for fear of him doing anything rash, he brought out his phone and dialed the volume down to zero. Then, he opened his camera app.

“Lu Guang” he finally spoke up as he scrolled through his recent pictures, checking the dates on all of them. He waited a couple seconds, but Lu Guang didn’t say anything back. He continued, “How many times have you gone back now?”

“T—twice, like I—” 

“The truth.” Xiaoshi cut him off.

There was a silence. Xiaoshi heard a thump against the door after a minute of nothing. Must be Lu Guang’s head, he assumed, since he could hear him crying harder now. “Six. This is the sixth time.” he took a short breath in and out. “Do you see now why I want you to listen to me so much? Every time—”

“Yeah, I get it.” he tried to calm himself down, but he was shaking too much. One month ago, right before he told him, Lu Guang had made dinner for him. The blurry photograph was still on his phone. Lu Guang would call him impulsive, and that was probably true. “Sorry, Lu Guang.” he excused first.

Clap!

The flash went off in Lu Guang’s face, and he laughed. “You trying to sabotage me?”

Fuck, he keeps diving when he’s on the verge of crying. Not a great plan. “You know how many random photos you take of me while I’m trying to perform?” his eyes were stinging.

Lu Guang sighed and rolled his eyes, though a smile still sat firmly on his face. Was he acting? Was it all acting? “I’m not trying to blind you when I do that. You helped me with the cutting, I’m fine from here on out, you can go sit back down.” he said, starting to fill their wok pan with vegetables.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Xiaoshi announced as he left the room. He took the excuse to run upstairs for a minute, where Lu Guang wouldn’t be able to hear him cry. Goddamnit, is he really doing this to himself again? He’s no better than Lu Guang.

But talking to Lu Guang gets him death threats, apparently. If Lu Guang’s been keeping this from him for six dives…shit, that’s eighteen years. Seriously? Seriously, Lu Guang…

If he’s been keeping this from him for six dives, Xiaoshi can afford to not feel bad for keeping everything from him for one. In another five dives, when he was just as emotionally unavailable and ruined as Lu Guang was, then he’d come out about it. Let’s just hope he manages to save Lu Guang before that.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror. A part of him felt scared now with the bathroom door open, like Lu Guang would come in, despite the fact that this Lu Guang doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know, right?

His face was so ruined. His head hurt. He didn’t appreciate his reflection at all. Would being around Lu Guang be a constant mindgame for him now? He’d found out before in other timelines, apparently. What if Lu Guang suspects him of having found out in this one? Or is he not perceptive enough to notice that? He wrote about the timeline changes in his diary, but probably hadn’t connected the dots yet. Hopefully that stays that way. 

Why does he keep having to hide his feelings from his friends in one way or another?

The dinner was as nice as he remembered, the burn hurt as bad as he remembered, and Lu Guang was just as caring afterwards as he remembered. After applying a proper bandage to the site when they were back in their bedroom, Xiaoshi ran his hand through Lu Guang’s hair.

“You’re sweating.” he said as Lu Guang’s hair didn’t feel as soft as normal.

“Course I am.” Lu Guang sighed. “I’ll wash it in the morning.”

“I can wash it for you.” Xiaoshi suggested, stopping Lu Guang from trying to get up. He paused for a second as Xiaoshi continued, “You wanna? We should take a bath.”

Lu Guang went almost immediately red at that. It was funny how it didn’t feel remotely embarrassing to Cheng Xiaoshi anymore now that he knew about everything, and knew that this was a Lu Guang much more intimately familiar with him than the other way around. “Seriously?” he let out a strange chuckle. “We haven’t even…”

“We don’t have to do anything. I’ll just wash your hair. I kinda wanna take a bath right now, but I don’t have an excuse.” he prompted, and Lu Guang awkwardly shifted before letting a smile cross his face.

“Alright.”

Lu Guang seemed ridiculously embarrassed when he undressed and sat down in the bathtub. Like earlier, Xiaoshi pulled his back to his chest. Like Lu Guang had done to him then, Xiaoshi’s arms wrapped around his waist, remembering to immediately raise his burnt arm out of the hot water again the second he felt a biting, stinging pain.

“I didn’t think you’d be so forward suddenly when you were so shy earlier.” Lu Guang softly spoke upon feeling his arms on him. 

“It feels wrong for you to be the forward one out of the two of us.” he said, getting Lu Guang to turn around and stare at him weirdly.

“Seriously? So it’s because you’re petty.” Lu Guang’s hands entered the warm water and tried to unwrap Xiaoshi’s arms from his waist. “Weren’t you gonna wash my hair?”

“Right, one second.” Xiaoshi checked and made sure the water was on the icecold setting before pointing the showerhead at Lu Guang and turning it on.

“Ah—! Xiaoshi!” he flinched and leaned forward in a panic, causing some of the water to spill from the tub.

“Oh, sorry.” he neutrally moved back to turn the knob to hot. “Didn’t realise it was cold.”

“Was that on purpose? Is it payback cause I burnt you?” he turned around and spoke with a confused tone. It’s payback for something, alright. He forgot for a second that temperature-based sensory issues even existed. Lu Guang probably hated that. Sadistically, the thought cracked him up, if not just a little.

He rained the now-hot water onto Lu Guang as he quite literally watched him adjust to the sensation. “I’m not that petty.” he softly chuckled. He was absolutely that petty. He rinsed all around Lu Guang’s head before turning the shower head off and hanging it up for now. Then he reached for his shampoo.

“Xiaoshi?” Lu Guang quietly said when Xiaoshi started to rub circles into his scalp using his shampoo. “Are you feeling better by now?”

“Hm?” Did Lu Guang know something? Well, he knows he knows something, but did he know something about him?

“After your long burnout period, I mean. And since your diagnosis.” he clarified, though, and Cheng Xiaoshi felt a little worse.

“It’s been nice finally understanding what’s going on inside my head, if that’s what you mean.”

He shifted a bit as Xiaoshi continued to massage his head. “I just meant if you’ve been in a good mood.” he leaned his head to the side a bit, into Xiaoshi’s touch. “I thought I heard you crying just before dinner. I guess that could be a mood swing, though.”

Thank you for giving me an out. “Probably. I forgot why I started to begin with. I’ve been tired today, maybe that’s it.” the lie slipped from his tongue as he mentally reminded himself to cry quieter next time. “I’ve been in a good mood otherwise.”

Lu Guang leaned down again once Xiaoshi had finished to let him rinse off the shampoo out of his hair. When the shower head was back safely on the wall, Lu Guang turned completely to give Cheng Xiaoshi a hug, then a kiss, and then a kiss to his bandage. “I love you.” he told him again, and then collapsed onto him.

Xiaoshi wrapped his arms around him as well, his face automatically leaning to kiss Lu Guang on the top of the head. It’s better that he doesn’t know about him, in that case. If Lu Guang’s gone back six times now, he’s definitely not…mentally alright. The least Cheng Xiaoshi can do is not stress him out more. When he tells Qiao Ling again, he’ll be sure to make her keep it a secret, too. Lu Guang just isn’t someone he should confide in about this. 

“I love you, too.” he said back easily. After the past month, he’d missed this Lu Guang. The one that he could just spend idle time with without being entirely stressed out. This is the Lu Guang he wants to save. He pulled him up higher into the hug, though also lowering himself into the warm water a little. Lying here with him was nice, at least. He listened to the seconds passing on the clock.

“We should do something tomorrow.” Lu Guang mumbled into Xiaoshi’s neck after a great many minutes of silence. Xiaoshi’d honestly thought he’d fallen asleep. Cooking really takes it out of him. “There’s a huge library-bookstore in the nearby mall, I haven’t taken you there yet, have I?” he started rambling. Oh, right. We used to go there all the time.

“No, don’t think so. You gonna try to convince me to read again?”

“Well, they also have CDs and DVDs. Even if you don’t get a book, there might be something you like.” he sounded so sleepy when speaking. “Could be something new we could do together, stop by every now and then.”

Something new to do together. I wanna experience new things with you. “You wanna go to bed?” Xiaoshi’s hand started scratching through Lu Guang’s hair again.

“Mm, turn around, I’ll do your hair first.” he tried to sit up, but obviously didn’t want to.

“Ah, I showered this morning, it’s fine.” he ran his hand through Lu Guang’s hair one final time. “I’ll drain the water, go lie down.”

“Mm.” Lu Guang was pushed up by Xiaoshi as he lazily then moved to lean towards the side of the tub. “Do you wanna go, though?”

“Yeah, sure.” Xiaoshi got up and stepped out of the bath, then helped Lu Guang up, too. He brought a towel to his hair and dried him off there, then handed him the towel to fully dry himself. “Go get dressed. I’ll join you in a minute.” he instructed, Lu Guang starting to wipe himself down.

Lu Guang pressed a short kiss to Xiaoshi’s cheek as he left the bathroom, taking his clothes and the towel with him as he did. 

Yeah. This was infinitely better than the timeline one month ahead that he’d ran from. Cowardice, sure, but he was the only one who knew about it again, and he knew better now than to feel bad about lying to Lu Guang. That’s just the burden you have to carry when challenging time like this. He unplugged the drain from the tub and watched the water sink.

Lu Guang was already asleep when he exited the bathroom. He laid there, under the covers on Xiaoshi’s bed, eyes closed and softly breathing. Xiaoshi felt his heart skip a little.

With a soft smile, he changed into pyjamas and laid himself beside him as carefully as possible. Lu Guang didn’t wake. Xiaoshi’s eyes fell shut, too. His mind focused in on the soft breaths he heard from Lu Guang, the tug of the blanket from him lying next to him, the sag in the mattress. He was alive and he’d stay alive. 

For the first time in eight months, Cheng Xiaoshi could fall asleep without any particularly negative feelings plaguing him.