Work Text:
I sat at my desk after a long day--
Well, I didn't do much. I didn't even eat until evening. I went out to the library with some friends and doodled for a while. I dont feel like I did enough and so it makes me feel unvaild for feeling this way, I don't deserve to be tired unless I work hard.
Sitting at my desk wearing a basic blue t shirt and jean shorts, I see a bubble wand and some soap flim in it next to me and my pens. The library held a class about bubbles and gave some out. Dispite my mom being disappointed I didn't go to the class. I didnt really need to anyways, I did something i liked so isn't that what matters?
Len got me bubbles though, bubbles, and a red wand. The bottom was round and so it couldnt stand up. The top and or the lid was also round. It kinda resembled a space ship a child would draw.
I was very bored so instead of doomscrolling I decided to maybe blow some bubbles, if I liked it so much when I was younger would I still be able to be happy about it? Did I still have the wonder that a child would?
It's kinda sad to think about back then. I used to be able to blow bubbles and run around the park, climbing every tree I could get up, not a worry in the world. Not about the future, my friends, or anything.
Man, i could just go up to a random girl and we'd be best friends for 2ish hours! Why couldn't I do that now? What's so scary about people now?
I grabbed the bubbles and untwisted the lid. Being careful to not hold it at a angle because it would spill onto my lap. I've always had sensory issues with liquids just the feeling of it on my hands or legs- or anything always pissed me off.
I put the wand close to my lips and blew.
And surprisingly, a lot of bubbles came out from such a little bit of liquid.. and i gues it was nice? I stuck the wand back in the liquid, and blew some more.
This time had even more bubbles! One landed on my lap. It was perfectly round and it was so pretty... it made my thigh feel cold, but not in a bad way. It felt comfortable and nice. I was admiring it for a couple seconds, 5 at most. I spun my chair to grab my phone to take a picture to post of tumblr or something, wnd even when i spun back it didnt pop! I opened the camera app ready to take a picture but the second i opened it, it popped.
It popped before it could be special.
..
Ruined because it could be loved.
Just me being excited wasnt enough i guess. Maybe it needed more people to love it too?
It gave up before it could be loved though. Even though life was ready to make it loved it wasnt enough? It crumbled and it was all done. Spoiled.
I tried to blow more bubbles like that one but they popped in mere seconds. It was gone forever.
I wonder what would happen if I popped like that?
I just couldn't make it, and the only thing i could do is give up. Even if there's people that care.
People are excited for me to grow up and bloom in life but what if i can't? would they be sad that I didn't? That i just gave up instead?
They definitely would, but for some reason i couldnt stop thinking i was wrong and it hurt. Even if they did nothing to signify they didnt like me i couldn't brush the thought away.
Thoughts like this happen a lot. It makes me feel like a little kid, for some reason?
Well if i can't brush the thought away whats there even to do.
...