Work Text:
No One Mourns The Wicked…
“And that’s why BLACKS are related to gang–”
BANG!
There lied Charlie KKKirk–shot in the neck, going limp. Some say he leaned left when falling… a sign??
WRONG
{A few hours earlier}
“Mr. President, the birthday note YOU gave Jeffery Epstein has been leaked. We have to do something to cover it up.”
Trump pondered then it hit him. “Call KKKirk over. I want to make all his wildest dreams come true…”
“Not sure how he’s relevant but, yes sir.”
{Time Skkkip}
“Donald hi” KKKirk said doing the Debby Ryan smirk.
“Don’t call me Donald, we’re not friends. I’m your daddy, your king if you will” Trump said holding his hands up disgustedly.
“R-Right… my- my king” KKKirk prostrates on the ground in front of Trump. Trump just basks in the submission.
“Good boy, now stand up, we have important business to discuss.” Trump leads him over to the Oval Office where they’ll have some privacy.
“Now KKKirk, my boy… you may have seen that a certain birthday card I may have ALLEGEDLY given–” He got cut off by KKKirk who excitedly jumped in.
“Epstein! yeah I know, I seen the Libs try and fabricate some card against you. But it doesn’t matter I know you didn't write it because like you said you weren't even close with Epstein and I believe you. If there’s anything you need me to do, tell me and I’ll do it.”
“Funny thing is there is something you can do. Would you like to give up your life for me? It’s so you're part of an example of America First” It was bs, Trump made it up on the spot. He seen how quick to submit to Charlie was and knew this would be easy.
KKKirks eyes sparkled at the thought of being a part of Making America Great Again. “Yes! Yes, I’ll do it, I’d die for you… I’d do anything for you… anything and everything…”
His voice felt almost homoerotic, it was getting low and as velvety as one can. He put a hand on Trump's shoulder garnering a look from Trump that screamed ‘Cut the cameras, deadass’.
Trump awkwardly chuckled remembering he can’t cheat anymore since he wanted to win Elon back. He removed KKKirks hand.
“Thank you uhh Charlie, right?”
“Yes, Charlie KKKirk. So what do I have to do?”
*Whipser Whisper* TOTALLY NOT EVIL PLAN *Whisper Whisper*
“I’ll do it… anything for you my king” Charlie said blushing. He was so excited to serve his master, to be what truly helps America—the Franz Ferdinand of our generation. He was ready to finally OWN THE LIBS, heh.
{Back at the KKKirk residence an hour before the event.}
“Wife come here!” Charlie yelled smiling his creepy, overly gummy smile. As his wife approached he was practically glowing.
“What is it?” She asked with a raised brow.
“I’m gonna die today!” He said almost overjoyed.
“What…? What about our kids. Weren’t you literally the one who criticized young girls for growing up without a father figure?” His wife asked fuming.
“Uhh that’s irrelevant woman, now I’ll have you know I’m dying for the greater good. Plus, master told me I don’t actually have to die, it’ll be a fake out. So I have to get “shot” like he did then make a point.” KKKirk was so smug with his words, his top lip almost invisible from how hard he was cheesing.
His wife thought it over for a minute then nodded in agreement. I mean of course she did, she willingly married him so of course she believes in the same ideology as him.
They both agreed to bring their children to the event so it could gain more sympathy points and really stick it to the libs—atleast that’s what they’ll tell the internet. Even though of course these events are highly dangerous due to the statistics of college shootings—not to mention the speaker is a dude who has a lot of enemies since he spreads hateful and harmful rhetoric… anyways they thought it would be a great idea.
{At the college in Ultra White, Ultra Mormon, Utah.}
KKKirk was wearing his white Freedom shirt and his swaggiest jeans (still baggier than the baggiest jeans in Atlanta). He was in his ‘Prove me wrong’ tent with a few security guards. Trump was even nice enough to lend him the same security guard that was there when he was “shot”.
He wasn’t even 10 minutes into his speech about how “blacks commit the most gang violence” when he spotted his shooter. He glanced over at him then back to the crowd ready to Make America Great Again (he was really just trying to up show 9/11 and it freaking worked).
He just got through the word gang when the shot hit.
His whole body went limp and he fell out his chair. Blood gushed from his neck. A perfect hit to his vocal cords. Some even now say it was peak symbolism from how speaking your “opinions” (racism and fascism) will result in being silenced by the “libs” or “the left” if you can’t tell the difference and think they’re the same (which they’re not).
Anyways, the bullet hit a major vein and his true American blood bled out over the words of freedom. Another symbol people are saying… mmh hmm…
No one reacted, the security guard for the second time didn’t help and stood there like it was planned… oh wait it was.
Not even 20 minutes later Trump ran to twitter and announced his death… weird since no one else present on the site knew… nor was it confirmed until after. KKKirks wife was furious when she realized her nazi husband was dead, he promised he wasn’t gonna die and it was all going to be a propaganda stunt. Of course since she has the same pea-sized, empathy lacking brain as Charlie she immediately went to Trump and capitalized on his death with him.
Now everyone heard of the name Charlie KKKirk and is now defending him with their life.
Suddenly Trump wanted “vengeance” for a man he couldn’t care less about. But hey, everyone forgot about the Epstein birthday note!! So it was a double win for Trump. Now when you search up his name all you get is Charlie.
Of course thanks to him people have finally revealed their true colors. We can differentiate those who actually care about people versus the performative. I’m sure he’s looking up at us right now, proud he has so many defenders. Think what idiots they must be.
Of course, no one mourns the wicked right…? But apparently a lot of you do… but what do I—a stupid narrator know? I’m not even real.