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Jeff had never been a truly complete person from the start. In his younger years he always had that cold feeling of emptiness deep inside of him. He looked at the other children around him in envy as they played and laughed without a care in the world. He didn’t understand that carefree nature. Even as an adult, Jeff cannot find it in himself to release the iron grip he holds on the weight of the force that seems to anchor him to misery.
Jeff stares at himself in the mirror on the wall of the small bathroom connected to his closet of a room in the desolate psych ward. This was the same place Liu had been sentenced to after he had lied and taken the blame for something Jeff had done. His stomach twisted at the memory. He regretted that day. He should have just walked away when Randy and his two idiot friends had skated up to them looking for pocket change. It wasn’t like they needed money, their parents lived in a suburban neighborhood by the beach in California of all places. Despite the event having been so long ago, Jeff can’t seem to allow himself to let go. He can still see the pictures replay in his head of the incident. Jeff remembered how Randy had thought he was a little girl, and how he lunged at the guy and ultimately broke his arm. It was so dumb, so juvenile. They were no older than maybe thirteen and things had snowballed so hard it turned into an avalanche.
Now Jeff was in the exact same linoleum prison because some nurse didn’t bother to knock before checking on him in recovery. The dumbass hadn’t even turned on a light. Jeff had no understanding of why he was the one in the psych ward when the nurse had been standing over him in the dark like some demon. The guy was just asking to be attacked. Jeff could still picture the image of the nurse as he loomed over him just like his father had the night he was almost murdered. Jeff wasn’t even fully awake before he had jumped on the nurse, hands around the man’s neck as he screamed. Cold fear pulsed through him in those brief moments before other medical staff rushed in to sedate him before he could actually kill the nurse.
That was how he woke up here. Jeff ran his hands along the deep scabbing Glasgow wounds on his face. The stitches had dissolved by now, and only deep scabs were left behind. Jeff grimaced at his reflection. He used to be so beautiful. Now he looked like some kid’s really fucked up looking Jack-O-Lantern. His dad had carved his face into a smile from his lips to his ears. He ran a hand over the bandaged wound on his throat. It was his father’s half-assed way of finishing him off. Thankfully he didn’t cut deep enough, but Jeff had still been on the stoop of Death’s Door. He had been reminded of how temporary he was, and just how unwanted he had been.
Jeff held the sink and sighed as he leaned back. He turned back to his barren closet of a room. Now he understood why Liu had expressed feeling so isolated. Jeff felt like a lab rat the way he was being confined and watched by doctors.
Something deep inside of him had been taken that night his father almost killed him and his brother. The shame and fear were things that Jeff would now keep locked away deep in his mind for nobody else to see. He wouldn’t even express it to the therapist in charge of figuring him out. The wounds he carried ran so deep that no amount of dissolvable stitches or staples could heal it. He did not want anyone to see or hear of the way he felt when nobody else was with him. That day when Randy had come to visit him was especially vulnerable. Embarrassment branded Jeff like a hot iron as he remembered holding the guy’s hands and tearing up. He wished he hadn’t done that. Randy didn’t need to see that, especially given their history. He had cracked so easily, and all the redhead had to say was that he didn’t hate him.
Despite that, part of Jeff wanted to believe Randy was honest. He wanted to believe in somebody for once in his life. The concept of trust was something Jeff was terrified of, and he was too proud to admit it. His father and mother were the first ever people to lie to him. They had brought his hopes up and crushed them more times than he could count. Even the words “I love you” were a complete and utter lie. His mother was more upset that she had to bury her husband than the fact that the father of her children tried to annihilate their family all in one night. That deep seated hatred that simmered for so long within him was now an inferno. He wanted to watch that house burn down to nothing but ash with his spineless mother inside.
Jeff wished he could just leave it all behind and exist somewhere where he wasn’t known. He wanted a life where he didn’t have to face his pain alone in a room full of people that supposedly “cared” for him. If he could change himself Jeff wouldn’t hesitate to do so. If he could take back all of the pain and misery he had caused he would do it without question. He wanted to face the blame and take the repercussions for it. He wanted to retrace every wrong step that he had made to get him to this point. Above all else, he wanted to take all of this shame he felt to his grave.
Maybe that was what he needed to do. He needed to run away. Jeff looked around the room and slowly crept out into the hall. He took his time and walked down both sides of the hallway. The emergency exits were only accessible by an ID card from an orderly or doctor. However, there were no cameras above the exit. There by the door were the community showers. Jeff made a quick note of that and continued to the main lounge area. There he saw various other patients enjoying the afternoon.
He passed by a table where a group of people around his age sat and played Uno with one of the nurses, Anne. She was a woman that stood about average height. She always wore black scrubs and had her dyed red hair pulled back into a low ponytail. She was a nice woman, and frequently spent her time on break socializing with the patients. Jeff supposed it was her way of making them be more open to the other employees at the ward. He glanced up and smiled.
“Hey! Do you want to play with us?” She asks with a smile.
Jeff stood awkwardly as the other four patients playing turned to him. His chest tightened as he thought of a way to answer the invitation.
“No thank you, ma’am,” was what he could croak out. His vocal cords were irreparably damaged thanks to his father. Jeff found it painful to raise his voice to a yell.
“Oh, alright, but you’re welcome to join us anytime you’d like!” The woman smiled.
Jeff gave her a half-hearted attempt at a smile before passing her. He looked over his shoulder and saw that her lanyard and badge were stored in her back pocket. He turned around and continued down the hallway.
That evening he stared at the bland food on his plate. He poked at the instant mashed potatoes with a plastic fork. Jeff didn’t know what was worse, being in the psychward itself, or the food. It made school cafeteria food seem like it was worth a damn. He looked at the watery canned green beans on the plate with a grimace. There was no way he could possibly finish this. He remembered feeding this type of junk to the pigs on a farm he used to work at. There was no way he was going to stay in this white-walled hell. He made the choice right there that he was leaving.
He stayed up all night. He laid in bed with closed eyes to feign sleep as he listened to orderlies patrol the halls. He glanced at his clock, noting that it was a quarter to midnight. He heard the footsteps of an orderly drawing closer to his room. Jeff quickly closed his eyes as the sound stopped. He could hear the twisting of the door handle.
“Checks!” the orderly announced.
Jeff groaned as a flashlight was shown down on him.
The door was softly shut before he could even snap at the orderly to turn the flashlight off. He waited for the footsteps to become faint before he sat up once more and looked back at the clock. It was now midnight.
Jeff continued his routine for the next few days. He decided that he was going to allow the therapists and nurses to believe he was improving. He would occasionally throw in some talking points during the group therapy sessions. He started to open up more to his therapist. Jeff begrudgingly took part in some of the silly arts and crafts projects he was given to keep himself busy. He started to “take” his medicine, but he was really just hiding it under his tongue to spit it out in the toilets when nobody was around. Jeff also took part in Uno.
He sat beside Nurse Anne at the round table. Four other patients sat around holding their cards. A fidgety guy named Toby was getting the upper hand. Jeff hated to admit it, but it was actually annoying how good this fucker was at Uno. He wanted to slap the shit eating grin of his face every time the brunette put a +4 card down on the pile.
Jeff begrudgingly drew four cards from the pile in the center of the table. He glanced down to Nurse Anne’s side. He took note of her lanyard.
He watched as the woman threw down a wild card and switched to green. Jeff Glanced to his right as he watched a blond guy’s face burn red. Jeff believed his name was Benjamin.
“Are you kidding me!?” Ben exclaimed as he drew a card from the pile. “I don’t have a green!”
Jeff watched as Ben continuously drew cards from the pile in the center of the table. The other started to snicker as Ben had yet to get a green card.
“What is this game dude?” Ben scoffed. He held in his hand what was at least several cards, and not a single one was green.
Jeff watched as Ben sighed in relief as he finally drew a number nine that was green. The blonde triumphantly slapped his green down onto the pile. Jeff switched his gaze towards a slim, skinny guy beside Ben who had an oddly devious smile. He slapped down a green reverse card into the pile.
Ben gaped over at the guy. “Helen!” he shouts. Ben once again starts rapidly drawing from the pile as the table bursted into a fit of laughter. “I don’t have a green!” he shouts.
Jeff watched as nurse Anne leaned forwards on the edge of the table to laugh out loud. He saw her ID fall from her pocket. He quickly leaned over, acting as if he had keeled over from laughter. He quickly swiped the ID card off of the bench and tucked it down into the waistband of his jeans. He let out a few more wheezy, quiet laughs before he pulled himself into an up-right position.
Like he had anticipated, the game ended with Toby winning. Jeff left the table with a smile and a thumbs up. He wanted the group to believe he wasn’t being suspicious. He woul trail back down the hall once more to his room.
He walked into his room and made his way to the bed. He picked up his pillow and shoved the ID card in the side where he had torn the seam of the pillow open. Once he had done that, Jeff slid the bare pillow back inside of the case with the torn side facing the closed edge. He dropped the pillow back onto the mattress and exited.
Dinner came and went, and Jeff lied in bed quietly. He stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. He slept with socks on and in his jeans, a sweatshirt overtop to keep the chill of the room off his bones. His eyes would dart between the ceiling and the clock every few minutes or so. He listened to the sounds of the orderlies’ footfalls as they patrolled the hall. He saw the clock strike twelve and heard the footsteps come closer, Jeff quickly closed his eyes.
“Checks!” The orderly announced as they once again directed the flashlight right onto him. Jeff groaned and rolled over to appear as if he was trying to escape it for more sleep.
He let out a breath as the door closed. He laid there quietly until the footsteps faded. Jeff then sat up and tossed aside the covers. He would gather up dirty clothes from the hamper in his room and shoved them under the blankets. He bunched them up in a way that mimicked a sleeping body. He lazily sprawled out a black shirt that at first glance would look like his hair.
Jeff took the pillow and pulled it from the case. He shoved his hand into the ripped seam and dug around until he felt the lanyard. Jeff pulled the lanyard and ID out of the pillow, some stuffing fell out onto the floor with it. The man then haphazardly shoved the pillow back into the case and arranged it under the black shirt to retain the appearance of a sleeping body. Jeff then stepped over to the window and peered through the glass. There were bright lights and orderlies outside as well. He bit the tip of his tongue as he made not of the tall fence as well.
He reached his arm out and grabbed the slip on shoes beside his bed. He moved around and swapped his navy pullover for a white hoodie. He also pulled an old pair of black sweatpants on top of his jeans. The night was cold, and Jeff knew he would be walking for a long while until he found somewhere that was safe enough to hide out at for the next few days. He paused before going to the door. He glanced at the beanie baby horse that sat on his desk. Jeff hesitated, but quickly walked over to grab it. He placed it in the pocket of his hoodie.
Quietly, he opened the door to his room just a crack. Jeff scanned the hall for a moment. He waited with baited breath. After he had seen nobody for five or so minutes he quietly stepped out and softly shut the door behind him. Jeff looked to his left, then right. He started to quietly shuffle down the corridor. Once at the corner he hesitantly peered around both ends before he turned to walk down the left hallway. He stopped and removed his shoes when he realized the soles of them made the slightest noise against the linoleum floor. Jeff continued his hurried shuffle, ducking under the windows of other doors until he made his way to the end of the hall where the exit was.
Jeff stared at the bright glowing sign above him. His heart pounded and he could hear the blood as it rumbled in his ears. He took one last hook behind himself before he used Nurse Anne’s ID card. He pressed it against the sensor and a rush of adrenaline hit him as the light on it turned from blue to green. The exit doors clicked and Jef pushed through. He bolted down the side of the building towards the brick wall that surrounded the ward. Jeff panted and looked around him. Any minute now a security guard could turn the corner and see him. Jeff quickly pulled the hood over his head and slipped his shoes on. He dropped the ID card as he rushed towards the wall.
His hands scraped the brick as he just barely caught the edge. Jeff pushed his feet up against the wall and groaned as he pulled himself up the ledge. His grip slipped and he gasped. Jeff flailed for a moment before he planted his right foot onto a brick that was slightly jutted outwards. He used that as leverage to pull himself over the eight-foot tall wall. He gasped as he sat on the top. Just as quickly as he climbed the wall, Jeff jumped off and made a noise of pain as he faceplanted into the bushes below.
After a few awkward moments Jeff managed to pull himself out and quickly made a run for the opposite side of the road. He splashed through a ditch briefly before going into the woods.
As expected, Jeff found himself on a long walk. He didn’t know what time it was, but if he had to guess he had been walking for almost two hours by now. He saw the sign that directed him to a local beach town. It was a type of town all the college kids would party at during the holiday seasons. He only had about a daunting two miles left until he got there. His feet ached and he was so, so cold. He couldn’t remember the last time the weather had been this cold. The high winds didn’t help him stay any warmer either. It only assisted in making sure his hair got in his face and that his nose and cheeks felt numb.
He looked to the other side of the road. The hill there was less steep, and it was grass instead of rocky gravel. Jeff walked across the wide road with his arms hugged around himself and his hood over his head.
Suddenly, bright headlights blinded him. Jeff quickly looked over and gasped. There was a car that was headed straight for him. Instead of running, jeff felt like a deer stuck in headlights.
The car ahead of him came to a sudden, screeching halt. Jeff was left stupified by the headlights as he tried to process the fact he almost became roadkill.
The car door opens and a tall figure comes out.
“Dude what the f- Jeff!?”
Randy Warren.
How the fuck does this guy somehow manage to find him anywhere?
Jeff snaps out of his daze.
“Why the fuck are you doing drivin’ so goddamn fast?!” he yelled.
Randy scoffed. “Uhm, the better question is; how the fuck are you here? You’re supposed to be in the looney bin!”
Jeff gritted his teeth. “That’s none of your fuckin’ business you asshat!”
He watched as Randy huffed.
“Dude you’re out here at three in the fucking morning walking around like some hobo. I almost hit you with my car, I think this is my business!” Randy argued.
Jeff rolled his eyes and shivered. “Can you just screw off for once? I’m finally out of your nappy ass hair just like you’ve always wanted! I’m leaving!”
“To where?” Randy asked.
Jeff faced him with a glare. “Why do you care? You hate me.”
Randy stared at him with furrowed brows and a hurt expression. “So you just didn’t even remember what the fuck we talked about when I visited you?”
“Oh I remember,” Jeff scoffed. ‘I just know you were lyin’ to me.”
Jeff watched as Randy's expression turned from hurt to anger. The redhead clenched his fists.
“I wasn’t fucking lying Woods! I meant what I said!” Randy shouts.
“Oh like I’m totally gonna believe that.” Jeff grumbled. He turned to continue his death march.
Randy grabs his arm and spins him around. ‘You’re not gonna walk away from me this time dude!” Randy says.
“Oh fuck off!” Jeff attempted to pull himself away. Randy only tightened his grip.
“You- you can’t just run away from me every time I try to open up you dick!” randy shouts. His hold intensified as he now grabbed Jeff's other arm.
Jeff stared at Randy with a startled expression. His body stiffened up as he feels the grizzly-like grip that Randy has him in.
“Do you really think I’m out here to hurt you still? For fuck’s sake we aren’t kids anymore! I’m not some schoolyard bully who wants to take your lunch money! I’ve changed!” Randy said.
Jeff felt his breaths start to fall unevenly as he was forced to lock eyes with Randy.
Randy stammered for a moment before he spoke again. “You can’t keep acting like the world is out to get you. I know you’ve been through shit and I've put you through some of that shit- but you can’t keep denying that you’ve also been a fucking bitch!” He shouted.
Jeff felt his lips curl into a snarl. “And what about it? I wasn’t just gonna stand there and let myself get kicked! I have no reason to fuckin’ apologize, especially to you! Don’t ever lie to my face when I'm vulnerable like I was in that hospital! I was out of my rabid-ass mind!”
Randy held his breath. He squinted.
“So we’re just gonna act like nothing at all has happened? You're gonna stand there and pretend I didn’t kiss you that night and that I don't give a shit about you?” Randy snapped.
Jeff stood in stunned silence. His mouth fell open as he tried to combat what Randy had said.
He remembered that kiss, he remembered it fondly.
“The only person who’s lying to you is yourself,” Randy told him.
Jeff’s throat ached and his eyes stung as the words echoed in his head. His breaths fell heavy and unsteady. He started to choke. His voice was reduced to weak croaks, then tears.
He cried. Jeff hadn’t cried in the longest time. He dropped his head and shivered as Randy’s arms pulled him into a hug. Jeff couldn’t help himself as he wrapped his arms around the taller man as he sobbed. Pure agony crashed down onto Jeff in waves. He felt like he was going to drown if Randy didn’t hold him up on his feet. The redhead’s arm rubbed small, comforting circles into Jeff’s back as they stood in the headlights of the red dodge charger behind them. Jeff wheezed as Randy’s arms squeezed him in a way that felt reassuring. Randy’s expensive cologne flooded Jeff’s senses as they stood in the dark, in the middle of a stretch of road in the witching hour.
“You can either let me drive you to my place so you can hide, and we work this out. Or, I’m gonna take you back,” Randy murmured to Jeff as he cradled the other man’s head gently into his chest.
“Take me home,” Jeff blubbered through sobs. “I can’t go back there, please take me with you,” he choked. Jeff inhaled sharply. Randy pulled back from the embrace to wipe Jeff’s tears with his thumbs.
“Nice choice,” Randy smiled. “I’ll go pick up beers and weed, then we’ll be back at my place.”
Randy patted Jeff on the back as the long haired man finally pulled off his hood. He used the sleeves of his white hoodie to wipe the excess tears from his face as Randy led him towards the passenger seat.
“Usually you’re the passenger princess,” Jeff sniffled. He watched and shivered as Randy opened the door for him.
“Well, I owe you for all the times you’ve driven me,” The redhead shrugged.
Jeff slowly got into the passenger seat. He pulled over the seatbelt and clicked it into place. He leaned back on the seat as Randy joined him in the driver’s seat. He watched as the other man pressed on the gas pedal and practically floored it down the road.
Jeff felt his eyes weigh heavy. He retrieved the beanie baby from his pocket and held it as he rested his hand on Randy's armrest box. He let out a deep, shaky breath as he listened to the sounds of whatever music Randy had playing on the radio. The weight of Randy's arm rested over Jeff's slumped form. Jeff felt the man’s warm hand hold his cold palm.
He allowed it.