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17 Wintermarch 9.48 Dragon
Alistair watched surrounded by his fellow Wardens as Jowin Glastrum, the First Warden, stood at the podium of the main hall in Weisshaupt, his glittering armor and colorful ribbons almost radiant as the shine of his clean shaven head. Behind him in a single file line were all of the Warden-Commanders from across Thedas, Alistair's beloved wife Aithlin was among them. He couldn't help but stare, her impeccably polished armor reflected the light that shined through the window which gave her an almost ethereal glow .
He imagined that the last six months had been especially hard on her. The First Warden had had enough of the constant bickering and indecision when it came to choosing who would be the next Warden Commander of Orlais. So, he had gathered all of the Warden Commanders together in one room and had it locked, as to ensure there were no outside influences.
Alistair had missed her dearly. He missed waking up beside her, taking a few moments to hold her close in the morning before the children woke up. He missed her smile, the one she reserved only for him, loving and somewhat mischevious. He looked at her a little more closely and noticed that her hair had gotten so much longer, she had it styled in a braid rather than the usual bun he had been so used to seeing. She looked tired, dark circles underneath her eyes, red with irritation, he hoped she had been sleeping, but she probably hadn't.
Worry was soon replaced by excitement, as soon as the ceremony was over, he'd hold her in his arms. Just for a little while, before they make the ride home. He couldn't wait to see her face when they'd arrive home and find the little party he and the children had planned for her. It had been planned meticulously, Alistair had made a cake with candied violets and cream, with an inside layering of apple jam, her favorite. He had ordered some coffee from Antiva that would pair perfectly with it. Andrea, their eldest, made sure the cake was well preserved in a little ice box that they had made themselves. Pax, their little boy had done a drawing, with the help of their sibling to show his mother all of the things he's been doing since she had been gone. Alistair couldn't deny that he was also counting the seconds before he could have her to himself and take that blasted armor off, piece by piece. They definitely needed some alone time together, he had missed her so much and he could barely contain it.
There was something strange about her though, as if she was deliberately not looking at him. Had something happened? Alistair sighed, his poor lovely wife, she probably felt bad for leaving the children with him for the past months. He wanted to hug her and kiss her badly, but that would have to wait. Five more minutes of being apart and then they would be together again. He would do everything in his power to be by her side, always. Just as she had been for him.
The First Warden cleared his throat, "After due deliberation, we have finally decided on who will be the next Warden-Commander of Orlais."
Finally! The sooner they revealed who it was going to be, the sooner they could go home and forget about all this mess.
He continued, " This Warden has done many commendable things and is well-loved by the Wardens here. He has brought unity and is a constant reminder of what a Warden should represent."
Alistair wondered who that might be, he thought the obvious candidate was the Warden next to him, Dòmnhal, Clarel's lackey and honestly, the last person he would consider a model Warden. Dòmnhal had tried to snatch the title of Warden-Commander of Ferelden from his wife. When that didn't work he tried to seduce her, many, many times, even in front of him! The only reason why he wasn't in the brig along with the other Orlesian wardens was because he couldn't be arsed to remove his lips from the Orlesian nobles' derriere to follow Warden-Commander Clarel's orders. Supposedly, anyway. Alistair was quite sure Dòmnhal had known all about the Venatori's meddling and had kept quiet. He was insufferable!
Alistair hadn't noticed that he had been staring and he could only watch as that shit-eating grin he hated spread across the other Warden's face, his finely coiffed hair and oily lips -a prelude to his slimy personality. Of all the people to be next to, Maker's breath but did he hate this man.
"I can see you staring you know," Dòmnhal's thick Starkhaven accent whispered to him, "I can't blame you. You're looking at the next Warden-Commander of Orlais. Finally in my rightful place, only pity will be I won't be able to see Aithlin as much. Maybe I could summon her to Orlais, while you're in Weisshaupt anyway. That way you can be the ever so dutiful house-husband. Not very manly of you is it? To take care of the children while your wife is doing all of the work. She deserves better, better than you anyway."
Alistair ignored him, Dòmnhal could gloat or try to provoke him all he wanted because he had the real prize: Aithlin. And yet, even then, he had to tell himself repeatedly not to respond to the man's provocations. It wasn't worth it. Just a few more minutes of being next to this insufferable Warden and this unending ceremony. Then he'd be in her arms again and the prospect of that was more satisfying than punching that gloating ball of oil in the face.
"With the power vested in me as First Warden of the Grey Wardens and Supreme Commander of Weisshaupt Fortress, I hereby give the honor of the title of Warden Commander of Orlais to Warden Alistair Theirin of Ferelden."
Alistair couldn't believe what he had just heard. The hall erupted in applause and cheers but, Alistair felt empty. Why had he even been considered? He had never had any ambition to be someone of importance to the Wardens. That was the entire point of being a Warden, he wanted to help, to save people from Darkspawn where he could. Becoming a politician was the last thing he wanted to be.
The First Commander beckoned Alistair on the stage with a wave of his hand, "Come Warden-Commander, join your brothers and sisters in a place of honor."
Alistair slowly walked up the stage, he could feel Dòmnhal's gaze on him, staring daggers. The other Warden- Commanders warmly shook his hand all except one, who had been called to the podium: Aithlin.
The First Warden spoke, "During our long deliberations, Warden Commander Aithlin of Ferelden spoke of trust. We have lost the trust of the people of Thedas, following Warden-Commander Clarel's, Maker rest her soul, mistake. And thinking about it now, I could not think of a better Warden to remind the people how much we care. The Warden- Commander moved us with her speech and I will have her share a few words, to scatter any doubt on the authenticity of this decision."
Alistair watched her back, so this had been Aithlin's doing. All that talk of making Orlais better, never had they even discussed the option of making him Warden Commander of Orlais. Had she even thought of him, of their children while making this choice? He'd have to go to Orlais of all places, far from them. Why? Why would she do this to them?
Aithlin cleared her throat as she addressed the hall, "Well, I'm sure all of you are all familiar with Warden- Commander Alistair's commendable actions during the Blight by my side. My recommendation, however, does not come from a place of favoritism but of valor. Alistair Theirin is many things, a wonderful husband and a doting father but he is also a fierce leader. During the now infamous Siege of Adamant, he stood by the Inquisitor's side and helped reduce the loss of many Grey Wardens due to Commander Clarel's lapse in judgement. He braved situations where other Grey Wardens would have died, he went into the Fade at the Inquisitor's side and came out victorious. In my eyes and in the eyes of the other Warden-Commanders present today, he will be the leader the Order needs to renew our trust with the people of Thedas. He will inspire and protect just as we Wardens can and should. While I will miss him, this choice will be for the greater good of our order and hopefully the world. His is the example every Warden should aspire to."
The hall erupted in applause once more and Alistair's heart sank further down. Had this been her idea from the beginning? To make him into a sacrifice for the sake of the Order? He stared as Aithlin turned as she walked back in line with the other commanders, taking her place next to him. She avoided his gaze. So that's what that was about, she felt guilty for doing the one thing he had never wanted. She had betrayed him.
He felt cool fingers wrap around his hand but he shook it off.
"Ali… I-" she whispered quietly, her voice soft.
He turned his head to look at her, his voice came out a little too loud,"How could you? H-"
Alistair saw her face change briefly into a grimace before she plastered a fake smile on her face. Typical Aithlin always thinking about what everyone else thought, not that she cared what he felt about all this. She didn't give him the chance to finish his sentence before she whispered back through gritted teeth, " What's done is done and we can't do this right now. You can yell and scream at me afterwards."
"Fine. But after this we need to go home. The children will surely want to hear about this spectacular promotion from you."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"Right now… I think it's better if I keep my mouth shut." Alistair was seething, what was the point of anything, all of those years telling him that she cared about what he wanted. He didn't even know her anymore, had it taken only a few months for her to completely change from the person he used to know? From the person he loved and loved him in return?
The First Warden swiftly concluded the ceremony and then came the horde of congratulations, pats on the back, stern handshakes. He barely registered any of it, he didn't want this but he was trapped. There was no way out of this. During all of this, she was by his side. He couldn't even think about her without being filled with anger.
"So, I believe congratulations are in order, Warden-Commander." A smooth accented voice said quietly as he shook Alistair's hand. Dòmnhal. Of course. He no longer looked smug, if this were any other situation, he would have paid good coin to see him so bothered. At that moment however, he sincerely wished that the other Warden was in his place.
Aithlin, nervously cut in, "Yes, Warden Dòmnhal. You'll be working closely with the Warden-Commander, won't you?"
Through gritted teeth he replied, "Yes, of course. My position of Warden-Constable has not been terminated so I will resume my post." He turned his attention back to Alistair and extended his hand, "I look forward to working with you in Orlais, Warden-Commander."
Alistair nodded and the elven Warden stormed off, probably to complain about favoritism or something like that to one of his many friends. Soon afterwards, they were alone in the hall and Alistair heard the clink of metal on metal as Aithlin wrapped her arms around his waist, "Ali, I missed you."
He removed her hands and walked away, "Let's go, Pax and Andy are waiting for us."
She ran up behind him and held his arm, pulling him back,"Don't you want to talk about this at all?"
He turned around and glared at her, "Would it make a difference? You seemed content enough to make this decision on my behalf. As you said, it's done."
"Ali, please. I had no choice, Dòmn-"
"Aithlin, why would I care if Dòmnhal took over the Orlesian Wardens? The people who are important to me are here and you've practically exiled me."
"So you wouldn't care if your subordinates were under the command of an uncaring and irresponsible leader? A man who cares more about fancy balls and politicking than the safety of his own men."
"Of course I care! But Pax and Andrea are important to me. You -.." He stopped mid sentence. He didn't know how he felt about Aithlin in that moment. All he knew was that he wanted to hug his children. Maker knows when he'd have to go Orlais or for how long they'd be separated. "Nevermind that, let's just go home. If you want to stay here a little longer, be my guest, just know that Andrea and Pax are waiting for you."
"I'm coming with you Alistair. I missed you … and the children. In any case, unless you brought another horse with you, I think we have no choice but to ride together."
"Fine." That one worded response came out as cold as ice, he had no idea he could sound like that. She was right of course, he hadn't thought to bring another horse. He had thought that after the ceremony, he'd ride off into the sunset with her in his arms, as if they were in a romantic novel. He had realized far too late that their reality as Grey Wardens could be only one of duty and tragedy.
They left the halls as the sun set and they walked silently to the stables.
The journey home had been quiet, Aithlin sat in front of him while he had control of the reins. She had barely looked back at him, she just sat in the awkward silence. He couldn't stand it.
"Have you figured out what to tell them?"
Aithlin shook her head, "No, I haven't. I don't know what to say." She paused and slumped, Alistair yearned to hug her, to comfort her but then he remembered what she had done and stopped himself. She sighed defeatedly, "I've done a fine job in ruining everything, haven't I?"
Alistair preferred to be silent rather than air out whatever snarky response had been brewing in his mind. She held his hand, Alistair wanted to shake it off, but he couldn't without spooking their horse. He felt something drop on his hand. And then again. Had it started raining? He looked up and saw the clear night sky. It wasn't rain. This wasn't like her at all, she never cried and even when she did it was never somewhere a passerby could see it. Apparently this bothered her more than he thought it did.
He sighed deeply, "Aithlin, whatever you decide to tell them, I'll support you. I am still very cross with you, but I understand. I'll be your sacrifice to the Wardens, just be truthful to the kids. They deserve to know."
She gripped his hand tighter, "What about us?"
Alistair slipped the reins into her hands and freed himself from her grip slowly, "Aithlin,I don't even know if there is an us right now. I need time."
"You're not going to give up on us, are you?"
Alistair could see the lights of their home in the distance. He briefly took hold of the reins and the horse came to a stop. He dismounted and stood beside her, "Aithlin, you made a decision by yourself, one that I can't stand by. I'm not going to ruin your reunion with the kids but I can't pretend that everything is going to be fine. You deserve a few moments with them, I'll walk the rest of the way."
Aithlin wiped away the tears from her face and nodded. She went ahead without him and he walked down the road alone, reality finally replicating how he felt on the inside.
By the time he got to their door, he could see from the window that Aithlin had changed into something more comfortable and was kissing their son, all over his face. Alistair smiled as he saw the five year old kept trying to push his mother away playfully. The little man needed his own space but, he knew that their son had missed her in his own way. Andrea had their arms wrapped around their mother, probably talking about something they had read or seen that day. There were smiles and laughter all around. He couldn't ruin the moment with his moping around. He slapped his cheeks with both of his hands and prepared to enter the house. Ouch. His cheeks stung with how hard he had slapped himself. He probably looked ridiculous and should have used a little less power when doing it but it mattered little. He desperately needed to hold his kids.
Then he opened the door and his adoring children called to him, they ran from Aithlin to him, one kid wrapped around each leg. Alistair couldn't help but laugh at the fifteen year old Andrea wrapped around his leg.
Alistair grunted as he walked, the weight of his mischevious kids slowing his pace,"Have you both grown while I was gone? I don't remember the both of you being this heavy."
Andrea tucked their long hair behind their pointed ears and laughed, "Or you just got weaker, old man!" and they blew a raspberry.
Alistair raised an eyebrow and half laughing he replied,"Oho! Then this old man is going to tickle you just for that!"
Andrea's eyes widened and they scrambled off his leg, hiding behind their mother "Noooooo! No tickles!" He could see Andrea smile as they peeked out from behind their mother. For a moment he locked eyes with Aithlin who looked away almost instantaneously. Guilt. But he wasn't going to let her spoil their fun.
He moved his gaze towards his son, hands on his hips,"And what about you, little man? Are you going to call me old?"
Pax smiled and shook his head. Alistair smiled and picked up his son. He held him close and said, "Alright then…. I'm going to give you so many kisses."
Pax giggled as Alistair scrunched his face onto his son's sprinkling kisses all over his face. The little boy pushed him back a bit, "Nooooo Daddy, no more kisseth! Mama gave me too many." Alistair gave him one last kiss on the forehead and set him down. "Alright kids, let's show mama what you made her! I'm going to get out of this metal cage." He knocked on his heavy armor, a hollow clink echoed throughout and made both kids laugh. Then Pax ran to his room and fetched his drawing, while Andrea fetched the cake from the ice box.
By the time he came back, Pax was sitting next to his mother, showing her his drawings. Andrea had placed the cake in the middle of the table and was getting the cake knife from the drawer. Which left him to get the plates. He almost dropped them when he felt arms wrap around his waist, "Ali… thank you."
He felt blush rush to his cheeks and he cleared his throat to push down the knot that had formed. "Andy and Pax did everything, I'm just getting the plates."
Aithlin laughed and held him tighter, "That's a lie. And even if it isn't, just thank you. " He gently pushed her hands off of him, turned around and kissed her on the forehead, "You're welcome then."
All four of them sat at the table, Aithlin was enamoured with the cake and asked, "Andy, did you make this?" Andrea shook their head and pointed at their father, "Dad did, he even decorated it all by himself."
Alistair waved off the compliment, "It was nothing."
"Liar!" Andrea shouted and pointed with a smile, "You worked on it for days, making the jam and everything. Mama needs to know how much work you've put into this cake!"
"Andy, let's just eat the cake before it melts." He saw a strange look on his kid's face, was he a little too somber? Before Andrea could say anything, he forced a smile, "Did you show your mother the ice box you made to keep it nice and cool? If I recall, a little somebody spent days trying to make it."
Andrea squeaked, "I got too excited and forgot to show it to her. Mama come see!" They ran to the other side of the table and dragged Aithlin by the hand. "Hurry! Hurry mama!"
Alistair called out to them, "In the meantime, I'll cut the cake!" He could hear Andrea yell something he couldn't quite understand back. He sighed deeply, he never knew it was this hard to keep all of this inside. It used to be as easy as breathing, now it was almost impossible to do without breaking. The effects of living happily for many years, he guessed.
"Daddy, are you sad?"
Pax's question made Alistair jump, he thought his son had gone with his mother and sibling.
He wasn't going to lie to his son, "A little." That was an understatement but he didn't want Pax to ask too many questions.
"Why? Shouldn't you be happy that mama is back?"
"I am. There's just a something mama and I need to talk to you and Andy about. Maybe not tonight."
Pax's eyes started to well up with tears, "I-sth ith it bad?"
Shit shit shit,this was the last thing he wanted to do. "No, no it's not bad. Daddy might just have to leave to go to work for a while, that's why daddy's a little sad. Don't cry Pax." He wiped the tears away from his son's face but not only did it not help, it made things worse. Pax started to bawl, big droplets forming at the ends of his eyes and descended down his cheeks as he wailed.
"W-w-we just g-g-got mmmama back and y-you're leaving?" Alistair felt tears form on his end, he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay with him and Andrea. The unfairness of it had been getting to him and he felt tears start to sprout in his eyes too. Tears he wiped away as Aithlin and Andrea came back.
Andrea ran over to their little brother and picked him up, patting his head and wiping away his tears and snot with a handkerchief they had kept in their pocket. "What's the matter little man? Did Daddy make another one of his bad jokes?"
Inconsolable,Pax cried into his sibling's shoulder, "hesleavingdreamamajustcamebackandhesleaving."
Andrea chuckled nervously,"Pax, my little man, let's calm down. I did not understand a word you said."
That seemed to calm him down a bit and Pax wiped unformed tears away from his face and hiccuped, "D-daddy s-ssaid he's weaving."
Andrea kissed him on the cheek, "Is that all? Daddy usually goes on trips, to help people remember? That's what a Grey Warden does!" Andrea looked at him with a smile that faded as quickly as it had sprouted. Alistair wished he had a mirror so he could control what his face looked like, he needed to be better that this.
Alistair looked at Aithlin, her eyes were pleading, asking him silently to not make her break the news now.
Andrea looked at both of their parents, a concerned look on their face, "Dad's just going on another trip to fight darkspawn, isn't he? Just a week or so, right?"
Alistair avoided their gaze, there was no going back now. He'd give Aithlin her chance to say it. One last chance.
Aithlin's voice broke the silence, her cheerfulness painfully strained, "Yes, of course! Just a couple of weeks and then he'll be back. Don't worry Pax." She kissed their son on the cheek and hugged Andrea.
Alistair sighed, it took him all of his self control to not start laughing. There was nothing to laugh about. Except for the fact that his life was a joke. He was so stupid, stupid to think that Aithlin would actually respect him enough to do the one thing she had promised to do.
He got up from the table, "I think I'm going to bed, I'm not feeling all that well."
His teenager piped up, "What about the cake?"
"You can eat it, I'm not feeling very hungry."
Aithlin put Pax down and went to Alistair's side, when she tried to touch him, all he could muster to say without yelling was, "Don't."
Then he wordlessly went to their bedroom and closed the door behind him. He tried to sleep but his mind would not leave him alone, he tossed and turned. He didn't know when but he had fallen asleep, only to be woken up when someone sat on the other side of their bed, it could only be one person.
He sat up and turned his back to her.
"Ali, I'm sorry. I panicked."
"Did you tell them?"
"I did."
"Good." Then he got up and walked towards the door.
"What do you want from me? I told them the truth. Pax was inconsolable and Andrea practically called me a monster. I just calmed Pax down. So is this just how things are going to be from now on? You're just going to shut me out. I didn't have a choice, it was either you or Dòmnhal and I trust you to take care of our Wardens down in Orlais."
The hysterical laugh Alistair had suppressed earlier came out, it was loud and taunting. He wanted to cry, to sob but all that could come out was laughter. Once he finished and wiped the tears from his eyes, he saw Aithlin in front of the door with her arms crossed.
"Are you quite finished?"
He stood up and poked her in the shoulder,"You don't get to be annoyed with me. You've thrown me to the wolves, like a little sacrificial lamb, far from my home and my family. What do you want from me?"
She wrapped her arms around him, "This. This is what I want. I want you to love me. I've missed you so much, you have no idea. Do you really think I want you to leave?"
For the first time since they knew each other, Alistair felt nothing when she hugged him. The touch of her skin that usually felt like a cool breeze felt like ice to him, he didn't want her to touch him.
"Lo-.. Aithlin. I need time to make all of this make sense to me. If it will ever make any sense at all. I need space. I-… I need to get out of here."
Aithlin let go of Alistair and he quickly exited their room. He saw Andrea at the table, alone. He wanted to cry but he couldn't just leave his kid at the table.
He sat next to them and wrapped his arm around their shoulder,"Andy.. what are you doing awake? Pax will be upset if he doesn't find you in your bed."
Andrea shook their head,"Tonight was.. a lot. I can't believe mama would do that to you, to us."
He leaned his head on theirs, "Your mother and I will figure things out, eventually. I'm sorry I didn't eat the cake with you. It was your cake as much as it was mine."
"You're such a liar. I only made the box to keep it cool."
"You also picked the lavender I used to make the cream purple and you helped me pick the apples."
Andrea rolled their eyes, "Yeah, but those were small things. You made the jam and baked it."
He rubbed their shoulder playfully, which ended up shaking them a little,"Small things can make all the difference, sweet Andy. You were the first small thing that made a difference in my life, after all."
Andrea laughed and nudged him with their shoulder, "I may be nonbinary, but I'm not a thing. I'm still a person I'll have you know."
Alistair grinned, "I don't know you were pretty small, even for a person."
"I was eight!"
"I thought you were four years old when I first saw you." He looked at their indignant face and poked their nose, "The smallest eight year old I've had the pleasure to know and call my kid."
"I love you Dad."
"I love you too kid."
Andrea leaned on Alistair's shoulder and looked at him from the corner of their eye, "We can still have some cake, if you want. We saved a few pieces."
Alistair chuckled, "Only a few? That cake was huge!"
Andrea stifled a laugh,"Well you know how much Mama loves your sweets, she ate two pieces. I think she ate another one before going to bed."
Alistair could only smile a little sadly when he heard that. He still didn't know what to think of his wife, if he could even call her that at that point. But he was the adult here, Andrea needed comforting so sad Alistair would need to wait for his turn. He smiled again, this time a little more genuinely, "Do we want to split a piece? I'm still not that hungry."
Andrea smiled and he could see a little glint in their eyes,"Yeah that sounds good, I'm still pretty full from earlier."
They got a plate and left the room to get a piece for them to share. He got two forks for them.
While he waited for them to come back, he thought about the Warden's motto. The idea of Sacrifice was an important if not the most important part of their oath. He and Aithlin had beaten the odds during the Blight, thanks to Morrigan's ritual. They had been able to live happily thanks to the sacrifice of the many: Riordan, Duncan, the Wardens that died at Ostagar and all of the Wardens who had perished afterwards. They had all sacrificed themselves for the greater good.
He stopped thinking about it as Andrea came back with the cake and they shared it. He told them a few tales about Duncan and the other wardens as they ate. It felt good to remember them. To see Andrea's eyes sparkle with interest when he talked about the Wardens. The cake tasted like home, of all the things that might disappear if there were to be another Blight with no one to stop it. As a Warden, it was his duty to make sure these small moments existed, to lead other Wardens when they had no one to lead them. And if he could ensure the happiness and safety of others, including his children, then becoming Warden-Commander of Orlais would be a sacrifice he would make happily.