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Haneum knew it would come to this, she knew she wasn’t as popular as the others, but finally hearing Woojin’s name being called for sixteenth place, something set in her. She wasn’t debuting.
She held it in, when she congratulated Woojin, when she watched her climb up and say thank you. She smiled as she saw her former team members stare down at her. Maybe she had too much hope, she was fourteenth last time, she had a sliver of hope, something in her that kept her awake a night, hoping to grasp onto the finals.
She held it in when Woojin Sanghyeon and Liyu came to hug her, walking from their high ranks to greet her down at the bottom. She felt bad causing all the tears, like she had some moral responsibility to keep them happy; she was their leader once, right?
Maybe she could have held it in, maybe, but Liyu stood infront of her, eyes coated with tears threatening to spill. Liyu who seems so composed, Liyu who was there for every mission, there to take in Haneum’s late night talks.
Maybe it the way Liyu forced a smile, something of reassurance, a way of telling her it was okay, without all the words.
Maybe it was written from the start, Haneum was always gonna be the one to leave first, that they wouldn’t–no couldn’t debut together.
Liyu’s hands wrapped around her, despite her smaller frame; maybe her body was the only thing keeping hers upright. The way her slim fingers patted her hair and the other holding onto her back.
“Liyu,” she could only manage a whisper, her voice cracking, the pressure releasing from her throat.
Liyu’s grip on her head tightened. She couldn’t tell how long they stood there, in each other's arms, were Woojin and Sanghyeon still there?
“Haneum, i’m sorry, if only–”
“Liyu you’ve done enough, this is just what happens, we’re on a survival show right?”
Haneum heard a quiet sob escape Liyu’s lips, a soft only she could hear it, the sound of Liyu’s heart. Haneum wished she could tell Liyu it was okay, that she would be okay, but she couldn’t even convince herself that.
“Liyu, go debut,” Haneum’s voice, raw came out scratchy.
“Not without you, Haneumie–”
Liyu released her head, eyes meeting eachothers.
Liyu was crying. Liyu was crying and she was still so beautiful, like an angel.
Maybe this is when Haneum started crying, she doesn’t know, maybe she was crying from the start.
“Liyu, you will go far, farther than me.” Forcing a smile she continued, “Maybe fate is cruel but maybe you’re just meant to go to greater places.”
Haneum regretted saying that, slightly, she wished to go with her, but maybe she wasn’t meant for a group.
Looking into Liyu’s eyes she saw everything, the stolen kisses, the nights spent with their bodies pressed against eachother, the quick touches, the hugs that lingered too long.
“We can still meet.” Liyu’s voice rang in her head.
“We can”
“We can,” Liyu’s voice echoed, with more hope than her own.
She wish she could kiss her here, remove all the cameras, have their own say in their goodbye. Liyu’s hands gripped her own, lacing their fingers together. She was trembling, they both were.
“Liyu, you know I love you, I love you.” Haneum’s whisper floated in the air, maybe it was the only truthful thing she said tonight.
“I love you”
Maybe Haneum’s heart was going to be permanently contorted, in the shape to match Liyu’s own.
Haneum just wished they could stay here forever, wrapped together, heart beating as one.